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JillB
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I feel I am making progress when I hear news about our daughter inviting other members of my family to birthday parties and we are not invited any more. My other daughter called this evening and told me they had met with her sister, husband and our grandson to celebrate our two sons-in-law’s birthdays in November. At first I felt the deep pain crawl in but was able to immediately realize that I had no control over these events. I owe it to my dear husband to remain in a good moment so that our lives are not affected by our daughter’s hatefulness.
I know now that our daughter has serious mental issues and we will probable never be reconciled with her or our grandson.
Sad but I have not power over her actions only my own.
I pray that God will show me the way every day to not lose myself in my daughter’s illness.

Interesting events today. Our daughter did not contact us at all this Christmas. Today we received a card from her Mother-in-law. 
She told us that her son and our daughter and son were at their home in another state after Christmas. This is the Mother-in-law our daughter never stopped criticizing to us. These are the brothers-in law who use drugs, spend big dollars on porn and who our daughter never wanted her son to be around. 
We were also informed that our daughter had an old friend of mine meet here in that state. This old friend was also heavily criticized by our daughter in the near past. She always told me that this friend was too fat and smelled really bad. I had to chuckle in the midst of my sadness that our daughter actually spent Christmas in the company of people she has despised.
I will never understand this!!

Congratulations, Margaret, you’re on the right path. Like you, for two and a half years I had to find my way to a more peaceful and meaningful life without my son. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. The more that I did for and with others, the better that I felt.
When our son re-entered our lives this Sept I wasn’t sure that we would make it till Christmas. He had a lot of issues to deal with-esp anger. He has since been in counseling, his divorce was finalized in early Dec and DWI issues will soon be resolved. He no longer blames his wife for all the problems, and he talks about his own bad choices and impulsive behavior. He is calmer, healthier and able to recognize his strengths and he has goals for the new year. He is reconnecting with family and making amends.He is also in a good living situation-which really helps. So here I am at Christmas -I can’t figure it all out just yet. But I am truly happy for what I have been given

-peace.

Aida i am in the same situation as you in many ways. i only have one child. she is now 29. i haven’t seen or heard from her in years. in the beginning my shrink said the same thinmg about my x as your X. he did the same thing when she was 14 & overnight everything became my fault. i have experienced parential alientation to the extreme. 15 years ago no one knew about parential alientation. i have learned that there is nothing you or i can do. i have cried and begged and even apologised for things i didn’t do to make peace. all in vain. i have sat home alone for years and just waited for her to stop in. all in vain. i have stopped living over the grief i have been through over her. i wasn’t even invited to her wedding then i had a break down over the rejection i have expereinced over my daughter. i have lost everything i ever work for ( my home, my job ) because my focus was always on the grief i felt over her rather then my own life. family and friends alike don’t understand. i have had one serious illness after another because of this. the more i try to fix things the futher she ran away. i have spent all holidays alone because being around people with children, even adult chridren, just seeing them hurts so bad. i have become a hermit because it hurts so bad. Amy Baker, an adult child of parential aliention wrote a book called adult chrildren of parential aliention, i suggest you read it. I suggest you stop trying. the more you try the more power it gives your children. in a sick sad way they enjoy the pain that you are feeling. you have no value because they know you will be there no matter what. the more you tell them your door is open to them the less likely they will come through it.
it took me 15 years of letters, e-mails, gifts that were never acknowledged to figure out if what you are doing to fix things doesn’t work, then stop doing it. they are living their lives with no regard to you. you need to live your life with no regard to them. ( easier said then done). I live in PA, my daughter in california. i do not have her address or phone number. I could have grand children, and not even know about it. i have allowed this situation to control every aspect of my life and it has got me no where. I sat home alone last night knowing full well that i won’t see or hear from her, yet i bought gifts and had the phone by my side even as i slept, just in case she would finally come around. don’t become me.

Aida,
The fact that your ex has narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders and that at least one of your daughters is very close to him now suggests that Parental Alienation may be at least part of the picture. When your daughters began to act out, he may have taken the opportunity to get them back in his life by alienating them from you. It’s often hard to recognise Parental Alienation when it happens to older teens because many of the common symptoms are best seen in families where younger children are supposed to be visiting the target parent and the alienator is obviously impeding. An older teen is more likely to just gradually cut you out of her life and then send nasty letters when you try to find out what you did wrong.
My sincere sympathy, and let us know how it goes.


Irene

Margaret – I agree with you totally and feel the same way. My son isn’t the one I raised; he is a stranger fighting a world of demons in his mind. And his absence at our Christmas Day table will not lessen for us, his family, how thankful we are for the blessing of not only the day but our lives and those in it.