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The sorrow in being 'shut out' is deep and real. However, the comments made below are sound advice. Any assertion we make about the injustice will surely lead to our being locked out permanently. We have decided that we don't want to lose our son even though he is the only person who could change this situation. So, we take what we can get, knowing our son considers her mother the 'third parent', and struggle to deal with the pain. I have learned that this situation is much more prevalent than I ever believed. You are not alone…but it still hurts. of

Kay said

I was wondering how this is going since I now am in same situation. I can do nothing right. My daughter-in-law runs the show and allows her mother to do everything and we get maybe 10 minutes a week.

Lorraine,
Your son is caught between a rock and a hard place! He is trying to be supportive to his wife and new babies. They are the sun now and you and your husband are the planets that rotate around them. It's just what happens when your children start a family. When my niece brought her newborn to her mom's house for all of us to see, he was strapped into his newborn car seat. Then they snuggled the car seat sideways into an overstuffed living room chair. If an earthquake happened, the seat wouldn't have been able to move with the baby in it and even a Herculean newborn cannot undo car seat straps. But, my niece sat on the side of the chair….just in case he could fall off. I told her to eat and that I would sit on the edge of the couch and watch him. I relaxed my position a little and she said, "Now you are not going to be allowed to hold him!" I was very hurt and couldn't imagine why no one was being honest with her and telling her that her actions were over the top. My husband explained later that her irrational behavior was just part of being a new mother. Her anxiety level would wean off and no one said anything because they didn't need to be right. It hurt to think that I was insensitive when she was being rediculous…but my husband was right. Your daughter-in-law may be wrong but she is in control of things right now. I would shower her with praise for wanting to keep those twins healthy and let her know that when she is ready your arms are open to help them. Also, you might want to cook for them and send it over, or send them some take-out to make their lives easier, or offer to do laundry for them. Anything that makes her life easier won't soon be forgotten. Don't forget that babies make us sleep deprived and her anxiety level is probably over the top. She probably sees her relationship with her mother as an extension of herself. Hang in there and don't do anything to upset the applecart…your son is doing the right thing.

How very sad and it appears you do have to go along with the parents wishes in order to at least see the children. Their moves are to not allow you to bond at all with the children. Hopefully time will change their attitude. But your fears may be right. Germs are everywhere and today being too clean is not the way to go. Children build up immunities by some contact, so if they are bombarded with infectious material their bodies can fight it off better. How can some people be so hurtful! Your son has to make a life with this woman so he has to go along with his wife. I hope things improve for you.

This is just my opinion but if I were you, I would go along with their wishes. If you make a fuss and complain they most likely will shut you out completely. They want to be in control and it is their children so you have to do what they say even though it hurts. I have been there and know the repercussions. The more you let them run their show the more they will let you in. They will feel that you are respecting them. Good luck to you. Hang in there.