Forum

I am just reposting this because it sort of
"ran off the edge" on the last entry–never seen that happen before, but some of the words were cut off.
Debby

Debby said:

Jane,
Yes, I am the one who responded to Happy Dad. Enough said about him–he is part of the problem and the epidemic. Part of the masquerade group, I call them. No real issues, just trying to jump on the bandwagon as a way to legitimize their "abandonment" of their parents.

As for your story–there are parallels to mine. My daughter hooked up with a cult-boy–sorry for the "label", but you sort of have to come up with descriptive names for these characters–to partly explain their behavior, I suppose. This cult-boy is also very controlling–my daughter hooked up with him 3 years after graduating high school. I had sent her to the college of her choice, she broke up with her finance–who had been attending the same college. After that, she wanted to change colleges, so we thought that was reasonable and perhaps the more healthy choice–due to the break up. It hit her bad–and I tried to be accomodating to whatever she wanted to do. After she met this cult-boy, she kept him from being around us too much–either by her choice or his order, whatever, and we noticed that she became more and more distant with us. She was definitely being influenced, and to this day we don't know how much she herself painted herself into a corner with perhaps exaggerations about us or outright lying–she appeard to have to make herself some kind of "victim" so the cult-boy would have to rescue her. Her getting pregnant I feel to this day was no "accident" and was only one of many manuevers to establish herself and attach herself to this boy.

Well, she ended up having to move back in with me because the cult-b0y and his cult-family didn't feel like he could marry her or live with her at the time. He had to "finish his schooling"–nice, since at that time that was no longer an option for my daughter and me. We had to get a baby here, didn't we? We fixed up her old room, made a nursery for her, bought all the baby stuff/furniture–saw to it that she went to a ob-gyn, etc. etc. I always felt in retrospect that not only did she just hate having to move back into our home, but even though it wasn't my fault, I think she resented ME for the situation–as goofy as that sounds. I attributed a lot of her "attitude" to her situation, plus to simply hormones due to the pregnancy. It's like she spent the time growing to hate me. I could do no right. I wore many hats, mother, friend, counselor, grandmother, you name it. We didn't fight–she just treated me crappy–and I forgot to mention that during this time of her pregnancy, the cult-boy rarely came by. Maybe 3 times, the whole time. I watched how upset my daughter was and watched her cry–and it broke my heart–and I don't see how I could have grown any good feelings toward him for this if nothing else. I think he is and was very immature, very controlling, very selfish and so is his mother–who called me up shortly after my daughter moved out after she had the baby–and demanded that I give my daughter the brand new Toyota Camry that we had just bought for her. Everyone draws their line in the sand and decides when it is time for "no more" and enough is enough. This was the point I reached. I felt so used, so dumped on, so unappreciated, so mistreated, so alone, so devastated.
I thought things would blow over, I made several attempts at contact–phone call, letter, gifts, even a personal attempt to see her at her work–nothing worked. Months turned into years–and here I am. I have 3 grandchildren that I couldn't pick out of a line up. I too have a small family. My mother who was 84, died last year without ever having seen her great grandchildren, and without seeing my daughter for 6 years. That's something that no one can un-do. My mother loved my only child–and was in her life. My sister who loved my daughter as much as if she was her own daughter has also been cut off. There's only my husband, me, my sister, and a nephew–we are all cut off.
I sometimes marvel that I am still here, still somewhat sane. I would never have believed that this would happen or that my daughter is capable of such cold cruelty and so unforgiving of what could only be "petty grievances" if any at all. I was a really good mother to her, and I know that. There was no drug or alcohol abuse (us or her)and she always had a nice home, nice clothes and the best of schools.
Until she decided to accuse, explain, or reveal–I am resigned that short of an act of GOD, I cannot do any thing about it. There is an epidemic of this–a category of us who were good parents, and who have had this happen to us. I know, I have spent years on websites, reading much more than I ever contributed, and it is worldwide.
That's one reason that grown up brats like Happy Dad irritate me — they clutter up the landscape with their phony stories, while there are real people who need real help–like his parents! Wish they could find a way to this site–wonder what their side of the story sounds like! Ha. Ha.
So glad to have a compadre like you–so glad to know you are out there somewhere–just like me.
I don't know if I should mention it here, but there is a website that has helped me tremendously and it is called http://www.estrangedstories.ni…..com–there are tons of people there–stories just like us from all over–it was practically my salvation to find the site. I hope Dr. C. doesn't mind that I mention it–the site does promote his book as recommended reading–so maybe he will be okay with it!
Go there–I'm Debby there, too–if you want to connect there as well.
Good luck friend, and God Bless all of us.

Jane said:

Debby said:

Evelyn,
You are so NOT alone in this. It is an epidemic. I have an estranged daughter–only child–loved and worshipped her, spent untold amounts of money raising her (not that money is love–but when you sacrifice to GIVE to someone you love to buy them a private education, and college, and see that they never go hungry and have nice clothes–that takes money–and if you are willing to spend it on these things, then that's LOVE!)
It has been 7 yrs of COMPLETE estrangement for us. Whole family–cut off–and we have never known the reason.
Hope to hear another post from you.

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Debby and Evelyn,
I assume that you, Debby, are the same one who wrote such a wonderful response to Happy Dad. I think you should have your own blog!! I have been on this website for 5 years and have never read anything so concise and right on, as you did for Happy Dad. Thank you.
Debby and Evelyn, it has been almost 6 years for me. I say "me" as that is all that is basically left of my family.
My husband and I married 37 years ago and blended two families. I had a daughter 7 yrs. old and he had older children. We had a great life, with a several stepchildren issues, but basically a good life. My husband was a successful businessman and we provided clothes, cars, college educations, etc. We were/are very respected in the community and we had fun with our kids. My daughter married a great man and they had a son. My daughter and I were very close and our grandson was wonderful and the light of our lives. A couple of years later, her husband walked out of her and our grandson's life, so between me, grandpa, and my Mother, who was a nanny in town, we jumped in and did everything we could for my daughter and grandson. My husband taught him to catch footballs, baseballs, how to drive a lawn tractor, etc. I still remember the fun we had and the many laughs. My daughter dated, but wasn't having much success until she met a guy on the internet. That is when we began to see a change in everything. We met this guy and he wouldn't look any of us in the eye or talk to us. We figured the attraction would pass.
Well, not so. A couple of years later, they married. No one was invited to the wedding not even our grandson. Our daughter became concerned that our grandson would want to go live with his real father. It wouldn't have surprised us, as this guy was a very controlling and domineering person. We were hoping he would relax and try to like us, but he never did. Horror stories followed, and we were released from their lives about 6 yrs. ago. No explanations, just that we were no longer family. Huh???
My husband loved to watch our grandson play ball, but when he went to one of his games, hubby #2 went over to our grandson, talked to him, then sat back down by our daughter. A minute or so later, our grandson came over to my husband and told him that he would have to leave the game because it bothered his parents. First time I had ever seen my husband cry. I could go on and on, but you get the drift.
3 1/2 years ago, my husband developed lung cancer. We called our daughter, but she wasn't interested. He suffered for a little over a year and died two years ago. Never once did he receive a phone call, card, or visit from my daughter or grandson. She came to the funeral and visitation with #2 (a better reference) and our grandson. My grandson flew over to me and my 87 yr. old Mother (his great-grandmother) and hugged us and cried and told us that he had always loved us and just sobbed. We held him and I looked over his shoulder and saw my daughter and #2 and got a chill. After the funeral, I asked everyone to come back to the house, but my daughter said that my grandson had to get back to school. High school. My grandson looked horrified and said that he didn't have to go back to school and my daughter turned around and my grandson dropped his eyes and said that he had to go back to school. My Mother and I have not seen or heard from anyone since the funeral.
My Mother, the only grandmother to my daughter and only great-grandmother to my grandson, has never been visited by them or even so much as received a Christmas, birthday or anything card. She is in a nursing home and has been for the last 4 years. She is now 89 and won't be around for much longer.
As with Happy Dad, this woman (44 yrs. old) is only concerned with herself. I asked her once why she was denying her son his family and she told me that he had her and that was all the family he needed. Sound like Happy Dad? You bet. She doesn't want to answer any questions, or face anything that she has done.
Do I still hurt? Every day. Being alone now and losing my Mother each day is sometimes more than I can handle. I have bought every self-help book there is and have seen a couple of counselors. This does help. I am finally realizing that every minute that I feel this frustration and lonliness, it is depriving me of the life that God gave me. I cannot let my daughter do that to me.
My stepdaughters have been great. They have also been abandoned, as well as everyone else. This month my grandson graduates from High School. No invitation or even class picture. My heart is broken, but I will survive. I know that his heart has to be broken too, as none of our friends, who all loved my grandson from birth, have not been included either. What she had done to her own son is hard to imagine.
As for me, I have many dear friends, who along with support from my stepchildren, nieces and nephew, I have a new family. My fervent prayer is that soon, my grandson will leave home and will be able to contact me.
I wish you less pain, Evelyn, as you are so new to this torture and I hope that things will resolve themselves for you. But if not, take care of yourself. Don't take your value from your children.
Debby, I am sorry it has been so long for you. Seven years if awful. You are so incredibly insightful and I admire your wisdom. Take care, both of you. Jane

---

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Debby said:

Evelyn,
You are so NOT alone in this. It is an epidemic. I have an estranged daughter–only child–loved and worshipped her, spent untold amounts of money raising her (not that money is love–but when you sacrifice to GIVE to someone you love to buy them a private education, and college, and see that they never go hungry and have nice clothes–that takes money–and if you are willing to spend it on these things, then that's LOVE!)
It has been 7 yrs of COMPLETE estrangement for us. Whole family–cut off–and we have never known the reason.
Hope to hear another post from you.

---

Debby and Evelyn,
I assume that you, Debby, are the same one who wrote such a wonderful response to Happy Dad. I think you should have your own blog!! I have been on this website for 5 years and have never read anything so concise and right on, as you did for Happy Dad. Thank you.
Debby and Evelyn, it has been almost 6 years for me. I say "me" as that is all that is basically left of my family.
My husband and I married 37 years ago and blended two families. I had a daughter 7 yrs. old and he had older children. We had a great life, with a several stepchildren issues, but basically a good life. My husband was a successful businessman and we provided clothes, cars, college educations, etc. We were/are very respected in the community and we had fun with our kids. My daughter married a great man and they had a son. My daughter and I were very close and our grandson was wonderful and the light of our lives. A couple of years later, her husband walked out of her and our grandson's life, so between me, grandpa, and my Mother, who was a nanny in town, we jumped in and did everything we could for my daughter and grandson. My husband taught him to catch footballs, baseballs, how to drive a lawn tractor, etc. I still remember the fun we had and the many laughs. My daughter dated, but wasn't having much success until she met a guy on the internet. That is when we began to see a change in everything. We met this guy and he wouldn't look any of us in the eye or talk to us. We figured the attraction would pass.
Well, not so. A couple of years later, they married. No one was invited to the wedding not even our grandson. Our daughter became concerned that our grandson would want to go live with his real father. It wouldn't have surprised us, as this guy was a very controlling and domineering person. We were hoping he would relax and try to like us, but he never did. Horror stories followed, and we were released from their lives about 6 yrs. ago. No explanations, just that we were no longer family. Huh???
My husband loved to watch our grandson play ball, but when he went to one of his games, hubby #2 went over to our grandson, talked to him, then sat back down by our daughter. A minute or so later, our grandson came over to my husband and told him that he would have to leave the game because it bothered his parents. First time I had ever seen my husband cry. I could go on and on, but you get the drift.
3 1/2 years ago, my husband developed lung cancer. We called our daughter, but she wasn't interested. He suffered for a little over a year and died two years ago. Never once did he receive a phone call, card, or visit from my daughter or grandson. She came to the funeral and visitation with #2 (a better reference) and our grandson. My grandson flew over to me and my 87 yr. old Mother (his great-grandmother) and hugged us and cried and told us that he had always loved us and just sobbed. We held him and I looked over his shoulder and saw my daughter and #2 and got a chill. After the funeral, I asked everyone to come back to the house, but my daughter said that my grandson had to get back to school. High school. My grandson looked horrified and said that he didn't have to go back to school and my daughter turned around and my grandson dropped his eyes and said that he had to go back to school. My Mother and I have not seen or heard from anyone since the funeral.
My Mother, the only grandmother to my daughter and only great-grandmother to my grandson, has never been visited by them or even so much as received a Christmas, birthday or anything card. She is in a nursing home and has been for the last 4 years. She is now 89 and won't be around for much longer.
As with Happy Dad, this woman (44 yrs. old) is only concerned with herself. I asked her once why she was denying her son his family and she told me that he had her and that was all the family he needed. Sound like Happy Dad? You bet. She doesn't want to answer any questions, or face anything that she has done.
Do I still hurt? Every day. Being alone now and losing my Mother each day is sometimes more than I can handle. I have bought every self-help book there is and have seen a couple of counselors. This does help. I am finally realizing that every minute that I feel this frustration and lonliness, it is depriving me of the life that God gave me. I cannot let my daughter do that to me.
My stepdaughters have been great. They have also been abandoned, as well as everyone else. This month my grandson graduates from High School. No invitation or even class picture. My heart is broken, but I will survive. I know that his heart has to be broken too, as none of our friends, who all loved my grandson from birth, have not been included either. What she had done to her own son is hard to imagine.
As for me, I have many dear friends, who along with support from my stepchildren, nieces and nephew, I have a new family. My fervent prayer is that soon, my grandson will leave home and will be able to contact me.
I wish you less pain, Evelyn, as you are so new to this torture and I hope that things will resolve themselves for you. But if not, take care of yourself. Don't take your value from your children.
Debby, I am sorry it has been so long for you. Seven years if awful. You are so incredibly insightful and I admire your wisdom. Take care, both of you. Jane

Thanks for your reply Debbie.
I, like you, helped my son in every way possible. Probably too much…that could be it. In fact, I babysat for him for 18 months from birth…picked the baby up and took him back home. No charge. His wife started acting like I was the 'babysitter' instead of a loving grandmother.
We've seen the baby one time in a year.
ES doesn't want to go to therapy 'with me' and I feel like he has spoken negatively about me [mostly lies] to the wife and mother-in-law. He wants them to think I'm a liar and I assume it serves his purpose in some form.
I have done everything to try and mend this relationship even, but, I get no help and I cannot be anybody's fool…not even my child's.
I don't trust him anymore and I no longer want to feel as though I am stalking or harassing him. So, now we have granted the request he screamed at me: LEAVE ME ALONE!
We no longer make any efforts to communicate with him.
He's [DONE with me]…and I am DONE with him.

I'm still hurt and sad.