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3 estranged daughters
February 6, 2011
3:10 pm
pat
Guest

Im in so much pain I just dont know what to do. I cry everyday and the hurt is as if someone punched me in the stomach.

On January 20th my youngest daughter turned 18. I made her a gift. I took all her pictures and made a colage and named it Once Upon a Time. I took it to her dads house and gave it to her. I got a cool response but she said Thank You. I called her the next day to ask her how her birthday went at school and to no avail she did not return my call. I called the next day and then texted her and no answer. Finally, I went over to her house again and she asked her dad to ask me to leave. After a big scene I ended up telling her that she would never see me again after she told me that I didnt understand; that she didnt want me in her life anymore.

As if I had a shot of adrenaline I went home and packed up her room. WHen she left to go live with her dad I left her room as is. Walking past her room hoping she would come home I just left it as is. But after what she said to me I realized that she really means it and the hurt was incredible. I just took and put it all in my car and drove it over to her house and put it all in the driveway. I ran out of boxes and still have half of her room left and a basement full of stuff. This was the most painful thing I have ever done.

I feel like I cant move on because I have her things here, for that matter all 3 daughters things are stillhere and I have ghosts. Everything reminds me and I just cant breath.....I know I probably sent a message by doing that but what can I do? How do you move on from this....I cant eat or sleep. Its as if all 3 daughters have died and I missed it. There is no closure. I dont know how to get a live because they were my life. I am so lonely and I dont want to do anything but just sleep till I wake up and find this is all a dream.

December 28, 2010
4:32 pm
jules
Guest

Pat,
It just infuriates me to hear of a daughter calling her mom a terrible name. Terrible.
You are in a tough spot, but you can & will get thru this. You have written your pain & that is therapy. Keep doing it if you need to. We will listen.
You can do this. Begin to focus on yourself. Take a good look at your options. YOU HAVE LOTS. Choose something that will add change to your routine. You are in a rut & you deserve more.
I am so sorry that your girls are behaving in such a way. Work on developing some intolerance of this behavior. If nobody is building you up, then build yourself up. Come here & we will build you up.
Look at your weak moments & triggers. Focus on changing the routine of those moments & triggers. For exp. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night & let my thoughts beat me to oblivion. NOT good moments. This was causing me physical & mental misery. Problem=my mind was obsessed with the estrangement. Solution=Don't give my mind any free time. So....now I immediately turn on the tv, something that relaxes me, takes up space in my head & gives my mind a break. There isn't squat on tv, but even surfing breaks the routine of insomnia misery.
*Having strategies for specific areas of pain has changed my life
If facebook makes you feel sad. Find a website with a chatroom to take the place of fb and so on. You can do it.
Like the saying goes, "Doctor.....it hurts when I do this." Doctor replies "THEN DON'T THIS." :)
Look at where it hurts & avoid it, change it, replace it, etc.
One day at a time. You deserve better Pat.

December 28, 2010
5:25 am
Lexy
Guest

Pat I am so sorry that you are hurting.
But hey it's ok to cry. And it's especially ok to admit to it here.

Look, there are some things that you can not change. How those kids of yours are behaving belongs to them unfortunately. The only thing you can change now is you and your behaviour and where you go from here.

So (and if I sound direct I apologise) why the hell not date? Or at least look into it. You have a computer, there are some good dating sites, why not just look into it a bit. You have a life, but somewhere it has got buried under all the mothering and then subsequently all the pain, so we gotta help dig you out...
Look into it please....if not dating then what about some friendship sites, mutual interest sites - anything that is about YOU.

What about doing some voluntary work? Go read to a blind person (I work with blind people) or go help some other families with young children, heck you raised 3 of your own. An evening class of somekind...learn a new skill?

I know this all sounds hard, and boy is it easy for me to say, but you are gonna have to re-invent yourself and your life. Also if you do this your kids may just start seeing you in a different light and who knows where that may lead...

...do you think you could do any of this? Even just a tiny step forward in another direction?

These are just my ideas and obviously you know the person you are and what you may or may not be able to do. Maybe you could choose something totally different to do in the New Year - something you've wanted to do, but have never gotten around to it.

I'm really wishing you well,

Lexy

December 27, 2010
4:28 pm
pat
Guest

Thank you all for your support. I made it through the holiday with the help of my best friend and her family. But when I came home I cried. Today is Monday and I didnt go to work because I just couldnt get out of bed. I do go for counseling and I do belong to a health club and exercise, I have read Dr. Colemans book. But that pit in my stomach has been there for at least 10 yrs. Its an overall sadness. It never goes away. In answer to some of your questions; When I made my 2 older girls go live with their dad, I was blamed by my whole family including my daughters that didnt understand what was happening in my home. My mother ragged me the most....She told me that I made a horrible mistake that I would regret. She wasnt kidding. Today, my children may understand why but they dont care....they have their own lives and they tell me that they dont want my drama to interfere in their families. My older 2 daughters always talked to each other but were estranged from their stepsister until recently. It has been a big reunion and they are all together now minus me. My oldest daughter is pregnant with baby number 2 and I found that out on Facebook.

The week of Christmas I went to my ex husbands house to talk to him about our 17 yr old. SHe was at work but going to be home soon. He is a jerk but we managed to agree that her behavior was out of line. She arrived home while I was there and when she walked in she looked at me and asked her father why he let me in? He told her to sit down and her mouth started. Her father stepped up to the plate and managed to be a father for 5 minutes and said something parental to her and told her not to talk to me in that tone of voice. She accused him of always acting different in front of me. I explained to her that her father was behaving like a parent. She turned to me and said "Dad is nothing but your bitch?"
I looked at her father and almost swallowed my tongue. I shook and couldnt breath. I stood there....looked at her and walked out. My first inclinations was to slap her in the mouth but I held back because I never did that to my kids. Merry Christmas!

I dont know how to find a life. My life for the last 30 years has been my children. I am divorced and dont date because what a joke that is.....I work and come home. My whole family has passed away....All I have is cousins and they live all over. I have friends but they have their families. What do you do? You can clean and cook just so much for just yourself. The cold and the snow keep me in because I hate it. I belong to my church and do stuff there. I am 55 years old with a very
young mind. It is so lonely.

December 20, 2010
2:38 am
Lexy
Guest

Hi there Pat and welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry for all your pain and heartbreak. It never fails to dismay and astonish me how these children that we pushed into the world can turn on us so cruelly.

Pat I wondered something. Did your two older children ever blame you for sending them to live with their dad? I understand why you did it, but I wonder did they? The reason I ask is that I sent MY son (who I have not seen in over 4 years) to live with HIS dad, for specific reasons. And somewhere along the line it all got twisted that I made my son homeless (not sure how he got there but such is the mind of the estranged child who re-writes his own history). So I wondered whether that was ever hurled at you?

As to what you do now you poor thing. Is there any way forward with this? Have you read Dr Coleman's book? Have you sent a letter of absolute apology (don't knock it, I never thought I would do it but I did). Have you gone as far as you can to attempt reconciliation?

I guess if those answers are yes then the trick is to now re-build you life and start looking for your peace with all this. For me this has been a life-saver or rather a sanity-saver.

Unfortunately you can not make your daughters behave the way you would like them to (or the way they should), and although I would advocate fighting as hard as you can for your kids, there comes a time when you just have to say "enough".

What are your strategies for this week and getting thru the holiday season? Many people here have such good ideas.

Let us know how you are getting along.

All the best,

Lexy

December 18, 2010
7:34 am
RJ
Guest

Pat,
What Grieving Mom and Jules said is true. Lexy's a hoot! She's so compassionate and full of good advice. Dr. Coleman says it is easier to reconnect before they hit 30. Do the three girls speak? I know that it can feel desperate right now, with the holidays all around us. I spent so many months feeling half alive, almost out of body. Doing for others at this time can really help your spirit stay up. Find a neighbor who needs help shopping. Contact old friends, they will help you remember the whole person you are. Stay busy as much as possible. Put on music and sing and dance. Walk for at least 1/2 hour a day. Please keep posting. These gals have gotten me through the last couple of months. I'm actually feeling better of late.

December 17, 2010
4:23 pm
jules
Guest

Pat,
That is a very sad story. I am so sorry. I feel your pain as many on here will feel also. It is important that you are here because that says you are searching for help. It is out there. This is going to be a very difficult time, so you need to read up & put some ideas into action.
Some things that I have read or have done myself include:
*Find a friend to spend some time with
*Get busy
*See a counselor **VERY IMPORTANT
*Re-read some of these post & look for strategies
*I personally have to get a little ticked sometimes to get me to refuse to think about it anymore. I say "I have had it!"
*Go to church or seek spiritual support
*READ Dr. Coleman's book
*Waller in it for just a bit. Then force yourself to get up

It will get better.
Lexy's posts are very encouraging. Especially about allowing time to heal you. When looking at posts, stop on hers because they are usually words of encouragement & advice.

Please be kind to yourself & do something for yourself.

December 17, 2010
4:16 pm
grieving mom
Guest

oh, my dear, i am so sorry to read your post. have you been on this forum before? it is really, really helpful, although the holidays are the holidays.
if we are really truthful about it, i think many people on this site (and many not on it) have not always had "perfect" holidays. but i think it is infinitely harder to manage to get through the holidays without major misery and unhappiness when you are estranged from your child or children.
one of the things you can take heart about is that two of your daughters are not yet over 30. those of us with estranged adult children over 30 (my ED is turning 39 in a month) recognize that it is harder to get them back than the younger estranged kids. your 17-year-old especially, if you can keep contacting her supportively and with respect for her point of view, may really need her mommy before too long.
i feel for you. most of what i said above comes from other posts of brave and wonderful women on the forum and some of it comes from dr. joshua coleman's book, When Parents Hurt.
keep posting and reading, pat, and know that you are not alone.
grieving mom

pat said:

I have 3 daughters ages 30, 27 and 18. The older 2 are from my first marriage and the 18 yr. old is from my second. I waited 7 years to conceive my oldest daughter. I remember the pain when I experienced not being able to conceive. But finally after 7 yrs. I did. Then 15 months later I had my 2nd child. I was a good mom but their father decided that he didnt want this. I divorced him when my girls were 3 and 4yrs. old. I remarried a police officer. Thinking I found the love of my life I had a child at age 38 which is my 18 yr. old. I was the best all round mom. Birthday parties, family gatherings, Christmas, Basketball mom, girl scout mom,
yadayadayada. My husband showed a side which horrified my children and I. He was verbally and physically abusive to my girls and I. (not his daughter).
I made my older girls go live with their dad to get them away from him and it took me a year thereafter to get him out of the house. It took me 3 years to divorce him.
I remained single and raised my 18 yr. old alone. By then my older girls were in college which I helped put them through. They started cutting me out of their life after graduation and have totally cut me off todate. They have gotten married and did not invite me. They have had children and have not let me see my grandchildren. Then in May my youngest decided she wanted to go live with her dad (the police officer). She told me on Mothers Day. I have been alone since then but now it is the holiday and I cannot seem to find a way to cope. I called in sick to work today because I cant get up in the morning. I cant go to shopping because everywhere I go I see daughters and mothers and grandchildren. I have no one to buy for. Im totally alone. The pain is almost as bad as when I couldnt conceive but sometimes worse. WHy would God bless me with 3 beautiful daughters and then have this happen. I worked so hard.


December 17, 2010
3:47 pm
pat
Guest

I have 3 daughters ages 30, 27 and 18. The older 2 are from my first marriage and the 18 yr. old is from my second. I waited 7 years to conceive my oldest daughter. I remember the pain when I experienced not being able to conceive. But finally after 7 yrs. I did. Then 15 months later I had my 2nd child. I was a good mom but their father decided that he didnt want this. I divorced him when my girls were 3 and 4yrs. old. I remarried a police officer. Thinking I found the love of my life I had a child at age 38 which is my 18 yr. old. I was the best all round mom. Birthday parties, family gatherings, Christmas, Basketball mom, girl scout mom,
yadayadayada. My husband showed a side which horrified my children and I. He was verbally and physically abusive to my girls and I. (not his daughter).
I made my older girls go live with their dad to get them away from him and it took me a year thereafter to get him out of the house. It took me 3 years to divorce him.
I remained single and raised my 18 yr. old alone. By then my older girls were in college which I helped put them through. They started cutting me out of their life after graduation and have totally cut me off todate. They have gotten married and did not invite me. They have had children and have not let me see my grandchildren. Then in May my youngest decided she wanted to go live with her dad (the police officer). She told me on Mothers Day. I have been alone since then but now it is the holiday and I cannot seem to find a way to cope. I called in sick to work today because I cant get up in the morning. I cant go to shopping because everywhere I go I see daughters and mothers and grandchildren. I have no one to buy for. Im totally alone. The pain is almost as bad as when I couldnt conceive but sometimes worse. WHy would God bless me with 3 beautiful daughters and then have this happen. I worked so hard.

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