Carolyn, no LH is NOT my son, but he has a little better ability to spout his reasons for not communicating with his parents, maybe because this forum is anonymous. He wants to have respect from his parents and for them not to call at his work, not call after hours because he needs his rest and quiet. Why does he not just change his phone to unlisted? There is always a restraining order against his parents.
I never intruded at my son's place of work, but only to send birthday and Christmas cards there because I did not know where one of my sons lived at the time. I never knew if the cards where ever opened, so PFLAG suggested I put a check in the envelope, I did, one of my sons cashed the check the other did not. Never a response.
At this juncture I went to the house I knew one was living in and started to knock on the door; it took 6 trips on a Saturday or Sunday during daylight hours before the door was opened for me, it was at this juncture I asked for a meeting, they said they would let me know.
I met with them two weeks later, I apologized for what I had done to them in their youth, I let them pound away at me with their issues and apologized each time trying only to figure out what the real issues were, I respected the fact that they refused to tell me anything about their life, and at the end of the 2 hour plus meeting they said there were no guarantees if they would want to pursue a relationship with me. I remarked, there were three avenues we could take, 1) lay all your cards on the table and discuss them honestly with me, 2) let it all go, not discuss it and move forward learning to trust again, 3) they were not interested in having me in their life.
I gave them a month to figure out what "they wanted" then I sent an email inviting them to dinner my treat. After no response after a week to the e-mail (6 weeks after our meeting) I again knocked on their door and my oldest son answered and said that they had all ready given me their answer and to leave them alone. I told him I would never give up trying and hoping, he asked if I could not control myself, I bit my tongue.
So now I am writing a letter to the youngest son, and in short, "I respect your wishes, you know where I live, if you ever change your mind I am here and accept whatever lifestyle you choose unconditionally"; Dr. Coleman has a letter that he recommended in his book, I am using that style. As far as them seeing a therapist with me, they would not even consider it.
Sad but semi said "But to me their " no" is either mean or it is just self-protective". I will never know that answer sad but semi. I accept that I will never know or understand their reasons and wish them peace and happiness in their life. I came from a ethnic family and even though all the dysfunction we stayed together no matter how painful. Many times I wanted to pull away but I could not. I guess somewhere in between the way I was raised and my reactions to my parents and the total estrangement that my own children have chosen might be the better healthier approach.
I have never commented one word to either of my sons about the plus $40K they blackmailed me for when they had the opportunity when I tried to regain my property. Understand my son's had no right to my property, she set it up to "protect me from the bimbos" I was dating. (I say that sarcastically) I trusted my mother when I put my property in her name so as it would not be tied up in my divorce, my sons took advantage of that. My mother is dead and there is no reason to hang on to the mistrust and anger, it would only eat me up. Did they justify their blackmail of me because when they came to borrow money from me years earlier I wanted specifics and they did not want to give them, did they justify because they helped me when I was building, did they justify because they wanted to get even with me, did they justify that they figure I will cut them out of my will? I will never know and I have let it go. I have accepted that I will never get the answers I would like to have and I am moving on with the love around me, my wife, my nephew, my wife's older sons. My desire to "try" to understand what is going on with my son's will never be fulfilled.
And to LH, I do not know the issue's and circumstances that is going on with your parents and I will not blog on that other than, if your rest and quiet is so important, why don't you change your phone number, move to a undisclosed location or issue a restraining order; what is your purpose of coming to this blog? Are you trying to understand your parents motives? Do you want to chastise all parents? Banging on me with your misplaced issues with your parents is not something I am going to buy into.