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We were not invited to our son's wedding this past Saturday.
September 5, 2014
12:58 pm
bumble
Guest

though I raised my son and his sister on my own with no child support I am not invited to the wedding. He says he hates me and does not want me there because I have ruined everything in his life. I was awful person. He lived with me until he was 27 rent free. I paid his cell bill until he was 26 as well as car insurance and Ipass.  I gave him my engagement ring from his father and they lost it (supposedly) I don't think it was big enough for her. They kept saying that they had mailed my invitation and I kept checking the mail but it never was there. Finally they started telling me that they had put one in the mailbox and I would check and not thinking that anyone could be so cruel he finally admitted that I was not invited. The moral of the story is just because you are loving and supportive. Just because you help your child start their life by supporting them in college does not mean they will value that. I was raised that you treat others how you would like to be treated however I now believe  that this needs to be revised" treat others how they deserve to be treated". Many people on here are looking for resolution and want to reconcile with their offspring. I however do not. I don't want to know someone like this and am ashamed that I have given birth to such a troll. I gave them 5000 dollars toward their wedding already and was going to give them $5000 more as a wedding gift and you may think it is petty but I will not give them another dime. If a wedding is a weapon it is doomed.

July 17, 2014
10:16 am
Hazel
Guest

Jays mom said
My heart goes out to you- Im sharing a smilar experience. Im being blamed for things I havent done or said. Apologized countless times , sent letters, voice mails trying to reconcile. Im learning he is getting married of course Im excluded. Cant see me grandson anymore. I raised him and was extremely close to hime and made many sacrifices -yet I guess none of that counts. HIs Girlfreind who is 17 yrs older is threatend by me. I cry every weekend. He is my only son. What can I do??

So many mothers and fathers share the same or similar stories.  I too was close to my only child (son), raising him alone since he was 14…he is now 42 and has been with his long time partner 10 years.  It seems his partner, who never got along with his mother growing up and in fact, didn't even have a relationship with her has worked his magic in helping to make matters worse for my son and me.  I absolutely believe this.  Our childrens' partners who didn't have healthy relationships with their parents are "relationship killing" for our own relationships with our children.  I do believe it is jealousy among other things.  For decades I have been ridiculed, picked on, condemned and been abused emotionally and verbally by my son…but since he has been with his partner it is only gotten worse.  My son has never respected me and never has had a relationship with his father (by his father's doing because my son is gay).   My therapist feels this has a lot to do with my son's anger and hostility towards me in addition to the fact that being gay runs in my father's side of the family.  I have had people tell me including my son's current partner that they don't feel my son is totally comfortable being gay and I believe, as does my counselor that this also has created anger towards me – who knows for sure.  The verbal abuse is awful and about 6 weeks ago I finally told my son this is "good bye" having had the phone slammed down on me, his lies to make himself look great in the eyes of everyone else.  For those that have known me for decades know that the issues are not my own doing (but I realize there are always two sides) and that no matter what I say, or didn't, did or didn't do, my son always finds ways to be angry at me.  I am in counseling and have also reached out to Dr. Coleman.  I told my son that until he figures out his mental issues and why he is so angry at me, I refuse to talk to him.  It is called self-preservation.  They are getting married in San Francisco if they aren't already.  

I can only advise you to try to move on with your own life, no matter how difficult.  You are here only a short while on this earth and the heartache that grown children create should not define or control us the rest of our own lives – as hard as that is.  Children HATE it when they know their parents, especially mothers have created a life that is happy excluded of them.  When you feel like crying, become empowered instead and keep saying over and over that you will not let your disrespectful child have that much control over your emotions any more.  Call a friend, go for a walk, take up a hobby and DO IT, especially when you feel bad.  It is what works for me, especially the walks as it reduces stress and the hormones that are not good for us (cortisol, etc.) which only create a vicious cycle of more stress and anxiety.  I have good days and bad, but practicing mindfulness and meditation now that reduces the stress and anxiety associated with parent/child estrangement.  Believe it or not, practicing these healthy things ARE WORKING to reduce the mental anguish I am going through and I wish you well and hope that maybe you will try these things too to find some peace and happiness in your life.  I wish this for everyone on this site.    

July 17, 2014
6:55 am
Jude
Guest

I came to find an answer to the situation of my son's wife to be and all the drama she points towards me.  The same stories I have read here.  The sadness is I've gone through this with one of my other son's wife and she ended up getting divorce from him. My son saw the light of what was being told to him before they married, but it didn't help before hand.  No matter what I was always the bad person, b/c it is my son, and like any mother or parent, they protect their child from the bullies, abusive and people who harm them.  One thing I have learn this time around with my youngest child headed in the same directions, is the woman that is hateful towards their in laws are jealous of the love they gave their child, that they didn't receive as a child from their own parents.  You can never give to them the same kind of love you gave your own child, they only resist and blame you for their lack and take it out on your child.  I found it is best not to even give attention to that person,  treat them like they are just another person in the world that you wouldn't want to deal with.  You child will deal with them, remember they choose them to be their mate, thinking they can out love their pain in life, b/c you gave them so much love.  It is sad but there is nothing we can do to make them feel accepted.  It is their own parents fault and we are not responsible for other people's children and their upbringing.  It is sad to have to let go of my son, but he has to realize this for himself, and if I resist or say anything and I mean anything he comes to her defense, even if I'm trying to speak highly of her.  I think it is a woman game of power and jealousy of the love of another woman even though it is his mother.  What they don't understand is the Love their son gives to the woman they love, came from the love of their mother's and the teaching of their father's in how to treat you wife when you get older.  If I had to do all over again, I would not only teach my son this lesson, but I would also teach my son to treat his parents with respect and make his wife do the same, for the respect that they gave to them while growing up and for teaching him to love his wife so deeply.  I will back away and let him have his new family and her family, I won't go to his house until he invites me, I won't intrude and he will find just what he is missing when he feels that her love isn't the love he has had, not compare our love to her, but her love will run out b/c she can hold the game for life, she will shine and be the person she is, the only thing is I won't be around to be blamed.  She is on her own.  I can still love my child at a distant, and he can always come home.  By backing away quietly, and doing my own life, leaves the door open for him to return anytime, making him not to have to choose between families.  He see it and he choices it.  I only have to accept it. And when it comes to grandchildren, I won't give her the chance to use them against me and hold them back.  It doesn't matter if I have g-children or not.  Not when it is going to hurt them to be used as a weapon to hurt someone or them.  I respect my son and his choice, even though it hurts deeply.  I love him more then my own feelings.  He can be the one who calls, when I call it only causes trouble and upsets me so the best I can do for him is back away.  My wedding present to him. And for the record, I don't want to go to his wedding, b/c I don't want to be the blame for her to use me to say I upset her special day as an excuse.  I will cater the dessert table b/c I'm a pastry chef and then I'll disappear into the back ground and not be around like I would as if I was paid to do the job.  How sad isn't it!!! Why do dil's have to be so cruel when they found the perfect person to love them, don't they know he is the way he is b/c of the family he came from?  Go figure.  Hope this helps

June 10, 2014
7:08 pm
Steve
Guest

I just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love DENISE so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce… I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out… she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used herbs… Within 2 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it… NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via sanjaylandofsolution60@gmail.com Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.

January 16, 2014
9:37 pm
Ella
Guest

So I've read all your stories, and I'm here to discuss it from the other side.  I am the DIL.  I wonder if this story is as old as having children itself?  I kind of see it as a fault of evolution. A human child can never repay or fulfill the obligation it truly has to its parents.  A third of our lives we are basically needy and helpless.  Children almost require that a parent invest totally and completely in them, squeezing every possible resource from them, and parents mostly give it all in spite of themselves with the greatest love.  Naturally all this intensity would warp the relationship between parent and child ever after when the child is grown.  Nowhere else in nature do you find such an extreme investment in child rearing.  Is this odd situation the childs obligation or fault or responsibility?  Perhaps the only way to make it up is in having their own child, their own life's work.

I am estranged from my own parents because they were immature, drank to excess, and it just wasn't going to get better.  This wasn't the whole story as I loved my parents and my life very deeply and worked very hard to make things better.  I was dutiful, took care of them and advocated for them through 10 years of severe illness, despite being subjected to abuse and suffering emotionally and physically to the point of despair.

Things have gotten better since I set up strong boundaries and stopped enabling them (essentially closed the door on them).  A lot of healing happened – you never really know your own truth while you are still trying to please others as first priority.  Your body won't allow you to feel the tiniest bit of the psychological pain you have endured until your subconscious knows you are safe – fact.  Perhaps that is why many adult children realize their desperate childhood pain only once they are safe in the arms of a new love.

My initial estrangement was a few years ago and I recently gave them the choice to reconnect, provided that they stop being socially isolated and see a therapist etc.  I told them I wish them well regardless if they decide to do this.  I am not hopeful for my outcome, but I do respect that many of you have at least tried to make lifestyle changes for your estranged kids.  

As a grown woman, who has painstakingly grown past some things with my own family, forgive me if I am not very interested in getting attached to DH's family of origin.  I dont feel that this makes me damaged, but historically "average".  I feel as though both of our families are "old news", the source of years of negotiations and toil and struggles, perhaps happiness while thrown together out of obligation, but much of which as young people was beyond our control. 

Also, as a new addition to his large family and also the youngest, I would naturally be placed at the bottom of the "pecking order".  I don't want to be in that place anymore and I don't believe it really fits.

I cannot authentically find it in myself to be someones "daughter" all over again, or put on that childish degree of respect for MIL like in the way that someone looks up to a parent.  I feel pressure to do that for her, and I do give respect and help and am pleasant, but I do not feel like a daughter or child to her.  Perhaps in time and with shared experience more might grow between us.  At most, I wish that she was colourful and artistic and brilliantly independent, passionate about her own life so that we could be equals and friends, rather than the expected relationship of playing tug of war with her son.

I feel very much a strong adult woman, and I feel misunderstood when his mother acts like I am a naive or silly young girl who will learn my role in time.  Just because I dont follow her strong traditions for running a household she thinks I have something to aspire to instead of appreciating me for who I am as a fully formed yet DIFFERENT individual. 

DH's large family have their own minor drama and manipulative ways, not to mention heavy expectations for how often he and I need to spend time with them, and I just don't have the patience to pretend that I want to tow the line and fit in with this expectation.  My Mother certainly did not do that either with her own MIL. It was kind of considered old fashioned even in the 80's. 

At most, I want to have the peace and joy and SPACE away from our pasts to imagine and develop and create our own beautiful lives together.  We are inventing a future, and we have much to give the world.  I would like a modern relationship where I am not ever in a mothering position over my husband, and therefore I do not seek to learn from his mother how best to treat him.

We had a private wedding ceremony, just the two of us.  We are deeply spiritual people and it would have taken away from that to have the distraction of other people around.  We had a dinner to celebrate with and acknowledge everyone afterward.  Also, we do not celebrate holidays.  There is an expectation of seeing family at the holidays, but we believe we can spend quality time with family on other days, and that we should not defy our innate spiritual and moral direction just for the sake of tradition.  

Bottom line, most women have enough to deal with with their own families of origin, and the mother-grown son relationship can appear frightfully codependent and unhealthy through the eyes of a new spouse, considering what we have heard of his family history from him. 

Perhaps all young couples believe they will be the most untraditional and free spirited, and then in time you trade it in for tradition and family responsibility until one day you know what it is to be lonely for your adult child who has gone away. 

Life is imperfect.  One thing I do know is that with my husband and all other people I must let humans be imperfect, and look for my God elsewhere.

 

January 11, 2014
7:32 am
Anonymous
Guest

My husband has a similar situation with his daughter. My husband was divorce for 22 years before we married. His daughter have been not nice to him for long time. She does not show respect to him even before the grandparents. (I have seem how she talk to him)

He bought a pantoon boate for her birthday. She was asking to the bill of sale so she can register the boat, he told her where to find it. She said she look and cant find anything. When I look, I found the letter in the exactly place where my husband said.

So, she got the letter. After that day she send him a FB email saying horrible things. For her my husband is the worst person in the world, for her and the entire family. :S (I wonder where she got that idea)

She told him never contact her anymore.

Last week she send an email saying that she is getting married.

I suggest my husband just congratulate her and bless her, not mentioning anything else. I told him that I can bet the only thing that she wants is money.

So, he send the email.

She replay asking for money.

She have not say anything about be walk down the aisle or a invitation, she have not say the date of the wedding. Nothing.

I thing there is not way for my husband look good in this situation. If he gives money will be critized, if not, he will be critized. If we go togeter,he will be critized. If he goes by himself, he will be critized.

Sometimes I think he just should not go. Dont give her anything. She have not appologize for the nasty email that she sent to him.

BTW, we are out of the country. Far away in south america.

 

 

September 10, 2013
6:21 am
Rox
Guest

I could have written any one of these letters.  My son and daughter where all I had when my husband died.  My father had passed years earlier and my mother was very ill.  I lost her a few years after my husband.  We went thru three long years as my husband suffered from cancer.  I thought nothing could hurt more than that.  Well I was wrong.  My daughter and I have been blamed for breathing as far as I can tell.  I have no clue as to what I've done or what his sister has done to deserve being treated so badly.  She was first asked to be best man, then told he changed his mind (a year later).  He is to be married in a few weeks and we haven't gotten invitations.  Apparently, his future wife (who he refers to as his wife) feels we don't like her, we've never liked her and she doesn't want us at her wedding because we will ruin her day.  She had no problem accepting my great grandmothers diamond though.  All I ever wanted was for my son to be happy, I paid for his college, helped support him thru applications to Med school, drove countless times to move him from one apt to another. Bought him his car, pay for his cell phone, I even bought airline tickets for him to fly to see this girl for Christmas so he would be happy.  Not to mention hockey mom, football mom, cub scout leader.  (Don't get the wrong idea, I work very hard for my money and this has been a tremendous burden for me over the years.) They lived for a year in my home rent free because I can't afford to give them a monetary gift at there wedding.  When they moved out left it like a pig sty. Now he has meet this selfish, irrational person who doesn't want him to have anything to do with his family.  The hurt is beyond belief and all I do is cry.  I haven't slept in weeks and I'm a total wreck.  The bottom line is they just don't respect me or what I've done to educate him and take care of him since his dad died.  The only thing is, I guess I'm not alone.  Sad and heartbroken doesn't begin to say how I feel.

September 4, 2013
7:14 am
Kato
Guest

sha said
I raised my son alone after his dad died. thought everything was fine, my son told me i was the best mom in the world, and the next day at his wedding (to a girl I accepted, but who seemed to have big control issues, little did I know), I was banned from all pictures and seated in the back row at the reception. My family and friends were devastated. My son didnt dance with me, or thank me, even though I singlehandedly put him through an expensive university, etc. etc. By the way the night before the wedding, I gave my son $10,000. That was in October, didn't hear from him over Christmas or last night New Year's Eve. Never saw it coming, Im devastated and have sought professional help to try to understand why it happened, psychologists tell me to keep the lines of communication open because he's probably in an abusive relationship. I contacted him on Christmas Day but he wouldn't answer the phone..I wonder if he'll ever wake up? Discouraging but maybe a blessing in disguise. his wife and he showed me who they are, I moved money around and away from him, and reluctantly took him out of the will – he had been my executor and power of attorney. Knowledge is power, and at least I know who he is now and what he is capable of…all we can do is hope that they see the light, but remember there are nursing homes filled with elderly parents who get no visitors…lets face it, we too have an ungrateful child..

Sha, I had the same experience.  Before my son was married he often told me how much he loved me and that I was his best friend.  Since the arrival of my DIL I am, apparently, the worst person in the world.  The verbal and emotional abuse is beyond belief.  I am forever dumbfounded and flummoxed by the things I am faulted for and the extreme overreaction to harmless things.  I, too, now know who my son is and what he is capable of.  I can't believe I was fooled for over 30 years!

 

August 26, 2013
7:35 am
Jays mom
Guest

My heart goes out to you- Im sharing a smilar experience. Im being blamed for things I havent done or said. Apologized countless times , sent letters, voice mails trying to reconcile. Im learning he is getting married of course Im excluded. Cant see me grandson anymore. I raised him and was extremely close to hime and made many sacrifices -yet I guess none of that counts. HIs Girlfreind who is 17 yrs older is threatend by me. I cry every weekend. He is my only son. What can I do??

August 25, 2013
11:58 pm
ginger
Guest

Reading all these posts make me feel like we are not alone…….Our son has always told his friends that he had the best parents and childhood, which made us feel we did the right things as parents.  We provided him with a loving home and close knit family and we always got along with no problems.  He also mentioned that he was close to his family to his now fiancee.  He started dating this girl who seemed nice at first. Because of her family background, we embraced her into our family and tried to include her in our family gatherings.  However,  Her personality changed after she got engaged to our son. Once she got engaged she sat me down and told me that we will not be having holidays with her and our son as all holidays will be for her family only.  Also, she informed me that we will do as she tells us. We had jumped through hoops trying to cater to her every whim because if we don't she would end up having drama tantrums and make us look like the bad people in our sons eyes. During her drama tantrums she would have to go for a drive to cool down. I think she has a bad temper.   She told our son that it's hard for her to be around his side of the family because we are a close knit normal family and her family has always had drama in her life and she comes from a dysfunctional family. Her parents are divorced and both severe alcoholics. Her father is living with a woman young enough to be his daughter with an illegitemate child (her dads and his girlfriend). Her parents never celebrate her birthday nor have they travelled to see her (they live in another state).  She flies to see them once a month.  Whenever we tried to have any relationship with our son and even include her she would always say she didn't have time and would not allow our son to spend time with us except for 1 time on his lunch hour.  However, when she needs something done she tells our son to have us do it. The latest was we needed to drive them to the airport 95 miles drive…on the way to the airport I try to make light conversation and her comment to me was that she didn't wan't to hear anything I had to say and when she felt like listening to me talk she will let me know when I can speak.  This was the last straw and I told her that I will not allow her to disrespect me anymore nor will I be treated in a rude manner again by her.  Well she had another drama meltdown and my son has not spoken to us since that episode 5 months ago.  He did mention to me that he knows that she has issues but he thinks he can fix her issues.   Now we get a wedding invite and I'm not sure if we should even go. The sad thing is that she and our son cater to her parents like they were Kings and Queens and here her parents could care less about her as they have their alcoholic dysfunctionality. But she does everything to make them love her.  Here my husband and I have been loving and caring and tried to embrace her especially since we know that her family life is not positive and we get treated like garbage.  I just don't get it.  I am so heartbroken that I don't think I have any tears left.

February 21, 2013
6:20 pm
Chris
Guest

Dear Francis,

So very sorry to hear of your misery. Your story echos many other stories posted here.  The part re your grandchild is heart-wrenching. 

Your confession that you were hurt by the actions taken to keep you away from the grandkids was evidently not well received.  Many people on this forum can speak to that.   

I am glad you are recovering. You mention you hope to find a nice man with whom to spend your time. I hope you will.  Meantime, take good care of yourself.  

Yours sincerely,

 

Chris

 

February 20, 2013
3:05 pm
Francis
Guest

My heart goes out to you all, I have three son's and two will not speak to me after one lied about a texed I never sent, every one know's it was a lie but I have been made to appoligies for something I had not done, but my oldest son in the mean time used my grandchildren to hurt me, did not answer my phone call's asking to take them out ,did not invite me to his birthday party witch I alway's go to, I took my grandson's present around and knoked on the door my grandson came down and I gave him it and he asked was I coming back I said no love I can't,  the hurt in his eye's killed me, so when I went and appoligiesed for something I never did I said to my daughter inlaw I was extremaly hurt to think you would use the children in adult problems , and from that coment two are not talking to me  again, the youngest is getting married on his fathers boat in three weeks, I brought them all up on my own , I worked three jobs there father never had anything to do with them untill the last 5 years, I am not wanted at the wedding it seem's as I have said if my son wants me there he should ask and he has not,to be honest I don't think emotionally I could go as two son's wont talk to me my other son doe's not want to get involved and  this is on my x husband and his wife boat, I will feel so alone and not as if I can just go I am stuck out in the middle of the ocean.

I am on sleeping pill's going to a psychoterapy, I  have lost 3 son's and 6 grandson's it feels so much like a death, I am getting stronger  slowely and if nothing else may be I have learnt to start thinking of me, I will start living for  me I have dicided may be I can meet a nice man, asI have only lived for them so it is my turn now.

Thanks for letting me go on , it helps to know that may be it is not that we have done anything wrong cause we all cant be wrong.

February 6, 2013
9:06 am
ansefam
Guest

I have just found this web site and forum.

These post sound so much like our own story. While sad it is a comfort to know there are others experienceing the simliar hurts. Question, when does it stop?

Our sons/stepson(by prior marriage I have three and my wife has one son=4sons) are all very distant from us and our side of family(grands plus aunts & uncles) now because of the poison and big bucks handed out by our "Xs". We've been divorced 19yrs for me 18 for her. Married now 16yrs.

Of recent her son whom lived with us after her divorce from his age three to twelve is now getting married. He told us about it last fall. We were very excited! My wife sent a nice $xxx gift from the fiance's bridal registry. He lives four states away. So we've been trying to make travel and stay plans. Meanwhile we have been asking him/her son for exact location and times details. Just last weekend (wedding a month away)he had the gonads to tell his mother coldly on the phone that she could come if she wanted but I/his step father could not come. Plus he needed to know about her attending right then.

Prior to that my oldest son got married roughly three years ago. We did over pay for rehearsal dinner and did attend but were not included in wedding pics plus set aside from the wedding group/family. We've never heard from them since.

We have poured out our hearts to each son. They each know we love them. Their ages range from 20-30. To our knowledge, no grandkids.

My wife's "X" has not remarried, my "X" has. The "Xs" DO talk to each other,even dated a while. We have to deal with that.

 

We are debating about my wife attending without me.

January 1, 2013
8:50 am
sha
Guest

I raised my son alone after his dad died. thought everything was fine, my son told me i was the best mom in the world, and the next day at his wedding (to a girl I accepted, but who seemed to have big control issues, little did I know), I was banned from all pictures and seated in the back row at the reception. My family and friends were devastated. My son didnt dance with me, or thank me, even though I singlehandedly put him through an expensive university, etc. etc. By the way the night before the wedding, I gave my son $10,000. That was in October, didn't hear from him over Christmas or last night New Year's Eve. Never saw it coming, Im devastated and have sought professional help to try to understand why it happened, psychologists tell me to keep the lines of communication open because he's probably in an abusive relationship. I contacted him on Christmas Day but he wouldn't answer the phone..I wonder if he'll ever wake up? Discouraging but maybe a blessing in disguise. his wife and he showed me who they are, I moved money around and away from him, and reluctantly took him out of the will – he had been my executor and power of attorney. Knowledge is power, and at least I know who he is now and what he is capable of…all we can do is hope that they see the light, but remember there are nursing homes filled with elderly parents who get no visitors…lets face it, we too have an ungrateful child..

November 8, 2012
2:59 pm
marsha kirby
Guest

Life goes on with or wothout these ungrateful brats!I too have been estranged from my son and his wife? for the last 4 years.Im tired of the roller coaster emotions.I was married to my sons father for 25 years,not a happy 25 years.I have now met a wonderful man who treats me quite well.I wish the very best for my son and his fiance/wife.But Im over it!

August 22, 2012
10:57 am
Anne
Guest

My son is getting married in September.  He was given the best of private high school and the priveldge of higher education.  As I worked for the university, tuition was a 100% paid benefit which was a blessing.  His Jr. year of college, he put himself and our family through so much heartache I can't even begin to explain, but it got to the point he was doing drugs in the house, his behavior was erratic and violent.  At that time, our youngest of 8 was 12 and was scared to death. After the final screaming match and believe me we have had several familly meetings, our expectations of just general housework chores, part time job which wasn't asking much I decided he needed to move out.  He was 20 then. My goal was to make him stand on his own 2 feet, go to school, work which he had a great job the college set him up with, but his fiance's parents felt sorry for him and took him in.  I talked with the parents but they are blind and would do anything to make their princess happy.  So he has never been on his own, and after 4 1/2 years of college he was 3 credit hours short to receive his degree in criminal justice. The blame he says goes to me because I took away his home. He stole from family and sold things for quick money, the fiance gave him whatever he wanted and so did her family.  As he says "thats how it should be". They have been together since their Jr. year in high school.  He has cheated on her numerous times, used people, he doesn't even have anyone to call a best friend. At first 2 years ago when they got engaged, we all were happy but mine and his step dads request was to finish school, find what you want to do with you degree and your life before you take on someone else and start a family.  All of this is a nightmare.  He kicked his only blood brother out of his wedding as best man, and he and his fiance were putting pressure on our daughter telling her how bad me and my husband are and we pulled her from the wedding party.  I offered for her to stand up at the church as a bridesmaid but we would not be at the reception as my son indicated a dozen times he did not want his stepfather to be a part of it.  That wasn't good enough, my son told me if we weren't at the most important part of the wedding, the reception we don't deserve to come at all.  I don't deserve a title as "mother of the groom".  I wanted most of all to go to the church, the most sacred part to watch them take their vows which I was told by him that is not the most important.  So he tried to strong arm me telling me if his sister can't be there for everything, none of us are to go! I try so hard to bury my hurt and move forward.  We have asked him for the last 3 years to seek professional help with his anger issues. He asked to go with me to see our priest and he was nothing but beligerant and disrespectful to both me and the priest. If I went into detail what he did to bring such pain to this family, not just what I have written, your toes would curl and say he needs help.  I am still going to buy a dress and my daughter and I will go to the church.  I don't want to ruin their day and cause any stress but I don't want to miss his wedding, but then again he does not want us there. I torment myself daily and I have already forgiven him, but some things are hard to forget.  I and the rest of the family have told him they love him and wish him nothing but the best, but to him we are not his family. I feel like a failure as a mother from his words that have speared my heart.  I just don't want to have a scene made at the church and be escorted out. So what do I do?

August 13, 2012
12:11 pm
Joe Puj
Guest

Reading your posts, I can relate completely.  My daughter, raised in a Christian home and in a private contemporary Christian school for 13 years, left our home at age 18 at the prompting of her 17 year old boyfriend.  At college, she cut us off completely from all communication and refused to answer phone calls, emails, text messages, social media, and personal visits to her college dorm. After over 16 months of complete silence from her, we received an email from her now 19 year old boyfriend back in March of this year that they were thinking about maybe inviting us to their wedding this August and wanted to know what we thought of this before they decided to invite us.  This was the first that we heard from them that they were engaged which happened back in August 2011- We arranged to meet them for dinner and during our dinner discussed the wedding plans that they had arrived with.  Discovering that the boy, 19 and a Freshman English language major  (he calls himself an adult) has no job or prospects or desire to get a job.  Our daughter who dropped out of college after her freshman year now working at a local daycare will be working as the boy's dad continues to pay his way through college.  We raised our objections and as a result, they chose not to speak to us and will proceed as planned with the wedding without her mother and I (married for 23 years with 4 children- this daughter our first). The most frustrating part is that my wife and I have been in pastoral ministry all this time and our daughter is connected to a "church" that has been supporting her "rebellion" against her family and supporting her controlling boyfriend and will continue with the marriage ceremony in spite of our objections and absence stating that "there is nothing legally wrong with it." Dealing with this has been an emotional strain on our family as well as a spiritual challenge.  I don't wish this on any good family.

April 23, 2012
4:31 pm
Sara
Guest

Hello everyone;
I am Neire's partner. I guess what hurts the most about not being invited to the wedding is that I see it as a show of total disrespect on the son's part for his mother. She is trying to reconnect with him. He's 21 and he and finacée has a 5 month old son. Neire gives them money for groceries and tries to talk to her son. He takes her money. When he was 17 he left home and blamed it on his mother. He chose to leave. Even with several heartfelt apologies on my part for having caused him pain in any shape. All I did was support Neire's parenting. There was no abuse of any sort from either one of us. He refused to accept any apology from me. The latest and probably the last apology was sent on Sunday. I still haven't heard from him. I probably won't. I thought maybe that he might be growing up by now and realize that neither his mother nor I were or are out to "get him". An invite for both of us to the wedding would show a definite movement to accepting his mother's olive branch for reconsiliation. Such is not the case. I'm not going to beg for an invite. That's not the point. I think he's still trying to hurt his mother whenever he can. She found out about her grandchild's birth on facebook. He made his sister promise not to phone his mother and tell her. How do we/ I deal with this hurt? Does Neire go to the wedding just to be shunned? Is the son afraid that if he doesn't invite his mother to the wedding, she won't give him money? Does she tell him that she really doesn't want to go because I'm not invited and that he refused my olive branch? Does she go and be miserable? I personally don't have any children. I teach children. In all my years of dealing with kids, and teens, i have never come across anyone so mean, nasty, and vendictive. I would appreciate any support, advice or ideas on how to deal with this.
Thanks for listening
Sara
P.S. He wasn't always like this. His mother and I started living together when he was about 13 1/2. From that age till about 15 he and I got along very well. We respected and liked each other.

April 22, 2012
8:04 pm
Neire
Guest

Hello again,
Just a request, if anyone can tell me how to log in to this forum I would appreciate it. I have been reading Dr Coleman's advice na dfollowing the forums and it has been very comforting and helpful.Ni

April 22, 2012
7:57 pm
Neire
Guest

Hello Everyone,
I kust want to express my sincere empathy to all of you for what you are going through. I know having a child who had rejected us as parents is hell. I am going thorugh my own trials and I just want to share. My s21 year old son is getting married in August.I am invited and my partner is not. She is heartbroken. I am resigned. Let me explain.
I only just started talking to my son again after a long time. He lived with my partner and I for many years but it was difficult. What I thought was
teenage rebellion continued and only got worse. I tried everything, talking with him, counselling (for my partner and myself,he refused to go) you name it I tried it. He finally left after getting angry with me and he accused me of "giving him nothing but abuse." I have worked my butt off for many years giving him what I could. Fortunately, I have a good job and i make god money but working as a nurse means I work long hours and I was away from home a lot. Now, ,my partner also tried to do her best for him but he rejected that too! There has never been any abuse towards my son from both of us.
Now, he and his girlfriend have a son who is five months old. They live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. Money is extremely tight for them. They decided they absolutely have to get married and are having a small (eighty people) wedding outdoors in a local park with a potluck to follow. I wonder where they got the money but something tells me her parents put it up, not that I would ask. I think the only reason my son condescends to talk to me now is because I give him money now and then for groceries. I have serious concerns about the baby and that he have enough. This child is at risk and I am keeping a close eye on the situation.
My partner admits she made some mistakes with my son, again I can state without hesitation there was no abuse. After much discussion with me and souls searching on her part she has apologized to my son. He rejected her apologies. Now, he has invited me to the wedding and not her. I told him how I feel and he said it would be better to discuss this face to face over coffee. Not that I think he will take the initiative to call me he will just forget about it. Once again, my partner sent him an apology but she didn't hear anything back. I don't think she will.
So now, I am in the painful situation of trying to decide if I will go to the wedding or not. I think this marriage is doomed to fail. His finace refuses to speak to me she won't even say thank you to me for the money or for taking them out to dinner etc. I can go to the wedding by myself, miss my partner, watch my ex husband and his wife (they are heros of course to me son even though my ex left years ago and left me to raise my son with no support from him, his wife plays Mom to my son) play at being the wonderful couple. Her family will ignore me. I do think my partner trying to wrangle a wedding invite from him is a waste of time and is also "bad form" but I hurt for her.She does so want to go, I guess my question is what did we do that was so terrible? Thanks for "listening" everyone. Ni

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