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Two Kinds of Acceptance
Acceptance of your partner and of yourself are the two most important ingredients to a peaceful household.There are two types of acceptance in marriage. The first is when we accept our mates while we strive for more intimacy, involvement and depth. In this scenario we work to understand our spouses at the same time that we do everything we can to have our needs addressed in the marriage. This means learning how to communicate more effectively, examining how our behavior affects the marriage, and trying to rekindle what was once positive in the marriage. It is based on the assumption that our goals for the marriage are reasonable and realistic, based on who we are and who we have chosen as partners. In this case, there is reason to believe that the marriage is capable of revitalization.
In the second scenario, you accept your partner, while also accepting that he or she can't give you what you need and want. This presumes that you've tried everything to have more of what you want, and have solid reason to believe that it isn't going to happen. This doesn't mean that you've told your best friends what a jerk he is and they all agree that you should dump the loser. This also doesn't mean that you've dipped a few toes in the water of trying to change your behavior and concluded that it's too cold to go in. It means that you have examined your communication style, that you are fully aware of your own liabilities and limitations, and that you have a reasonably empathic view of who he or she is based on a solid understanding of their childhood, or other important formative experiences. Most of all, it means that you have given the marriage time to grow, change, and develop.