Forum

Hi Emily,
You certainly have a lot to contend with being married to a vet with PTSD, no sex, and a demanding career. You know more than anyone that there are no easy answers to your situation. Sometimes life only hands us two far-from-ideal options: in your case, you could stay in a sexless marriage with a man you love and who is the father of a child that you also love. Or you could leave your marriage, get a better sex life (hopefully), become a part-time mother, and miss what’s good about your marriage.
Let’s look at what, in particular about this makes you depressed? Some things you may be able to change and some you can’t. Let’s start with your husband:


* Is he in therapy?

* Is he getting medication?

* Are you using enough of your power in the marriage to make him do either or both of the above, or to get into marriage counseling?

* If you’re fantasizing divorce, have you let your husband know? Sometimes people don’t change until they know that their partner is close to leaving.
Let’s look at you:

* Are you getting enough support from friends, individual therapy, or group therapy?

* What do you tell yourself about your situation? If you're going to choose to stay with your partner, then you have to do it in a non-victimized way. In other words, you have to tell yourself that you could leave if you want to, but you are choosing to stay because you've decided, all things considered, that it makes the most sense.
This is no small task.

Here's what I wrote about this in my book Imperfect Harmony:
A mindset for going forward:
If you aren't able to revitalize your marriage and you decide to stay married for the sake of your children for the long- or short-term, you will need a new belief system to orient you to this new way of being together. The following statements are written to help you with this process:


*I will stop looking to my partner as a source of intimacy for now, and maybe forever more.

* I will grieve the loss of the marriage I thought I'd have, and stop bemoaning what I'm not getting from my partner.

*I will work hard to develop my life because that will be the best remedy for resisting my partner's negative pull on me, or my destructive need of him or her.

* I will work to examine my counter-productive beliefs about marriage as being central to my happiness.

*I will work to keep the tone of my household calm and in control because that is what's best for my children and me. While I don't have control over my partner's behavior, I have control over my own.

* I may have to accept that sex with my partner will be rare, non-existent, or less satisfying than I would like.

*I will give up my addiction to being right.

*I will stop hoping that my partner will change and will stop pushing him or her to change. 
Thoughts or reactions?


Joshua