Today is a trigger day for me. Our only granddaughter turns 4 today, and I wish there was a way to stop FB from telling me what happened 2 years ago. It was the last birthday we celebrated with her. She was helping me make cookies for her birthday party. She was loving it, and it was a very special memory.
I heard that children don't remember much from 2 ½ years earlier. So I believe that I'm the guardian of this small, special moment in time.
Today, I'm striving to keep busy and distracted to keep my heart from breaking and my head from telling a lot of self talk.
I'm looking forward to spending some time with my spiritual counselor and being of service to those who bring positivity to my life...and help remind me to keep moving forward.
Yes, we're going to keep working on us and stop their madness of gas lighting us.
I read a quote about moms and children, that they're the first ones to hear our hearts from the inside, they listen to our hearts from the outside and at times they no longer hear the whispers of our hearts.
Sending you good thoughts for healing and moving forward, too. That's all we can do. Hope never dies, though pieces of our hearts wither.
It is so hard to have our adult children "dislike" us and refuse a relationship, yet, at some point we have to detach. For our own mental health and getting on with our lives. I am on the fence about what to do with my alienated kids. I just take it one day at a time. For about a year now, my focus has been to stop grieving and move forward. I don't have any grandchildren yet but I expect to be in your shoes some day when they arrive. I have learned you can be the best parent, loving, child centered, and healthy mentally yourself -- and still find yourself cast out of their lives. Good wishes to you. PS: Dr Coleman's web cast on Tuesday is about the spouse of our child who alienates them from us. Worth listening to.
Thanks for the advice. We have stopped contact as of this past weekend.
We are tired of the abuse, the name calling, the cruelty, the double standards...for now, my hub and I will be focusing on our mental and physical health.
Sadly, she's our only daughter with our only granddaughter, and another grandchild due in July. She doesn't want us in her life. She's made that quite clear.
I am sorry for your pain and understand how all this technology can make the hurt worse. I had to get off facebook because I could not stand seeing what my alienated kids were up to, events they were with their father at, writing blurbs about how their father's girlfriend is "one of her best friends." One of mine is very self centered and feels I am the self centered one and not interested in her enough so now when we have our few conversations they are ALL about her and full of praise. Can't even talk about the news!!! I hated seeing photos of my friends with their kids and grandkids so I just closed my account. If your daughter is sending photos on the phone or on the email, just don't look. Move the emails into a folder called "don't look" and wait till you are ready. Perhaps she is really being mean or perhaps she is trying to reach out to you in the only way she can. If her husband is controlling, this may be all she can do. When she is emailing photos or texting photos, answer in a positive loving way. Keep the focus on HER. Thank her. Say nothing about yourself. She may need to be more detached from you in order to grow up and mature herself. I feel this is part of my self centered kid's issues. If you get ugly texts after sending texts, then send small toys and books, things that don't need a size or require information from her. Protect yourself and don't do the things that cause her to snap at you. Not saying you are wrong, just change your behavior so you aren't putting yourself into these situations. Keep the focus on anything you say to be all about her and praise her constantly. Read Dr. Coleman's book. Let go and learn to detach and stop trying to push for a relationship at this time. Give it time. You may be unwittingly forcing her to push back in a hateful way. Gather your dignity and stop engaging if it brings only pain or hateful comments. If you are self centered, critical or obnoxiously in her life, then realize she may have a good reason to push you away.
Hi, I'm always here when a trigger is set off by our daughter ( and son in law) We've been cut off and cut out for nearly 2 years. There's a problem in all of this because our daughter thinks it's kind to send pictures of life events with our only granddaughter, when we are not allowed to be part of the day to day, week to week...basically she/ they have put us in a box, and toss us a bone, when they think it's kind.
She is so hateful, so cruel when there are times when I text for the simplest of questions, like what size does Mila wear now? I'd like to know this because I am still sending presents and cards. We are still her grandparents and she is the innocent being held hostage in all of this mess.
We are tired of being doormats, tired of having salt tossed into wounds, tired of this emotional torture and abuse. We think our own daughter is this way now, bc we have come to believe that our son in law is emotionally abusing her, there were signs when we were on good terms. He's probably thrilled that the nail has been put in the coffin that he has totally estranged her own parents from our only daughter and only granddaughter.
So what do we do now?
Theresa, if you go to the website http://www.aga-fl.org it should come up. I just tried it. There you will find numerous articles and helpful tips. Also, have you read Dr. Coleman's book, When Parents Hurt or taken any of his webinars. I found both very helpful in understanding and dealing with the estrangements of my daughters and grandchildren. In fact, after four years I now have a wonderful relationship with my one daughter and 10 year old twin grandsons and will be visiting them again this Christmas. I credit our reconciliation to what I learned from Dr. Coleman's webinars in how to better relate to my children. Of course, they also have to be ready to reconcile as it is a two-way problem. As far as sending gifts to your grandchildren, I continued to throughout the years since they are the innocent ones and you want them to know that you are thinking of them. I always did receive thank you notes and pictures of them yearly for the four years but no other contact. Dr. Coleman has a very good seminar on Estranged Grandparents. I understand the pain you are going though, an indescribable pain. Yes, the Holidays are high risk times as well as birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. and really makes it difficult to be joyful. One suggestion I can give you to help you deal with the suffering is to not let the behavior of others define who you are. Remind yourself that you are a good mother, father and good person and treat yourself well. We all make mistakes; you can't be a parent without making mistakes. You need to forgive yourself and your children. In the meantime, spend time with those that care about you and find something to do that makes you feel good about yourself. For me it was volunteering at my local library which I continue today. Made a big difference in my life. Pray that you will find Peace at this beautiful Holiday Season. I hope this was of help to you.
the above shared link: http://www.aga-fl.org#sthash.6.....Gxsbe.dpuf is no longer available. I would love to find more info, articles and support as an estranged grandparent and estranged parent from my adult children who have joined forces against me and their father. My husband and I have been married for 40 years and our four children are ours. We have had our ups and downs in our marital relationship as well as our family relationships over the years but never anticipated this kind of cruelty and lack of communication between ourselves and our children. I feel like a hostage with my grandchildren being dangled over my head. The holdiays hurt the worst as I cannot see my grandchildren and do not know if I am allowing the disfunction to continue if I go out and buy gifts for my grandchildren and hope they will be accepted or recieved or rejected by my children and not even given to my grandchildren. It hurts everyday. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! God bless you for this site.
Terry, if you go to Alienated Grandparents Anonymous, http://www.aga-fl.org and contact Amanda she may know of a support group in the Michigan area. There also is a wealth of information on her website. I feel and understand your pain and now at the Holidays it hits us even more. May you find Peace and Love with those around you.
Looking for a Alienated Grandparents Support Group in Michigan. Any Information will be greatly appriciated.
Our hearts have been broken, our emotions tapped to the limits. I am so sorry to know that so many know this pain, although it is a sense of relief to know I am not alone. Just to be able to talk to others and draw strength from people who understand is so welcome. There were many struggles as my children were growing up, as well as much love. My two grown daughters have chosen to slam me for the struggles. My son has been my rock. I could go on and on and probably will as soon as I become familiar with this new communication. Please let me know you are out there and want to hear the rest of my story. At this point, I feel I could write a book!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all the estranged Grandparents, Eight months ago I first posted on this forum for support groups for estranged grandparents and just recently I have been able to have some form of contact by Facetime with my twin 9 year old grandsons and daughter. It has been four years since I have been with them. I am so thankful for the connection that I have and pray that with baby steps and time our relationship will improve. I still do not have much connection with my other daughter and 18 year old granddaughter. It has been three years. It saddens me so to see that in eight months there have been over 20,000 views on this forum and 6,000 of those have been in just the last few weeks. So, so many hurting grandparents. This should not be and it is not normal. Not only are we suffering but unfortunately our dear grandchildren are missing out on so much and they have no say in it. I want to say that you should never give up, continue to hope and pray and keep sending those cards and gifts to your grandchildren (as long as they are not returned). They will know that you never gave up on them and that they are special. Treat yourself well and love yourself. Do not let your estranged adult children's treatment define who we are. Give your time and love to those who want you in their lives. Wishing you all a peaceful and harmonious holiday and a better 2014. Take care, Carolyn
My name is Jay and I was reading all your comments and just sat here crying. How in this day and age, must we go through this after having given our children the best.
My daughter who is 45y/o has for reasons unknown to me, threw her loving husband out of her home, sold her house, friendship with a no-good sort of man, told me to get out of her life or she will call the Police to take a AVO against me and her husband of 20 years. This has all come to me as a great shock. My daughter was the most beautiful child I know, loving, beautiful, respectable, caring, perfect wife and mother and the most wonderful daughter. I had a call from her accusing me of being the cause of her life failure.
I left her abusive father after 30 years of marriage and remarried 16 years ago. She has despised my husband from the day she heard that I was getting married. She has threatened me over the years and kept the grandchildren from seeing me, unless I left him and came to live with her. She has started drinking a lot and became abusive with my partner. I could never have gone back to live with her, I had my own life to live. She started to put the children up against me especially the 18 year old. This child has grown up seeing her mothers' anger and now hates me as well as my husband. My children have always been the centre of my life. I have not seen them for 3 moths and all this has now left me empty. I cry everyday and feel like I have lost my children. She told me once the house is sold, I will never see her or the grandchildren again.
I have prayed so hard and cried to the Lord to intervene and help me. What do I do?
I just wanted to say that I to lost contact with my granddaughter nearly 7 years ago now, and I had to turn a negative into a positive and so I set up Bristol Grandparents Support Group in the UK, I to date have been contacted by over one thousand grandparents national and globally.
I would be happy to give support if anyone is thinking of setting up a group.
Our group has no membership fee and is non profit making, we are an independent group and not affiliated to any other organisation.
Hi I have read the above and I also am Estranged from my Daughter and SIL and am unable to see my grandchildren. My oldest Granddaughter who is 16 now called and asked for money just this past friday night. There was so much anger in her I could hear it! She has been through so much since she was a baby! I tore me apart to say no to her as I didn't like the story I was hearing and I didn't want to give her money behind her mothers back! I know I was right. Her Dad pasted when she was 2 years old and we have been very close until her step father cause alot of problems and hence the estrangement! I miss them so very much and find it very hard to go forth each day! But I do and I have found so many people men and women alike going through the same issues. Going to check in to starting a support group here. Maybe that will give me a reason to fight on! A friend of mine is also going through the same thing with all 3 of her children so we are going to fight together and see where we can go. Grandparents have to have some rights. Well Blessings to all. We all need to stand together and show a united front. Prayers to all!
Brenda, My heart goes out to you and I know exactly the pain you are going through. I have not seen my twin 9 year old grandsons for three years. I am thankful I do receive thank you notes for gifts and yearly pictures but to not be able to hug and kiss them and be a part of their lives and see them grow and change is a pain that is indescribable. I also have not seen my 18 year old granddaughter from another estranged daughter for almost three years. She had been such a big part of my life before all the problems started. It is so painful not being able to see her graduate and watch her grow into a young lady. I continue to pray and hold on to hope that there will be a breakthrough one day. That seems to be all we can do since it is out of our control. Let go and Let God. I pray for you and all the grandparents who are suffering so that you may find peace and harmony in your lives. Reach out to those who love and care about you.
Thanks Carolyn for this information. I will look up that website and try to gain some more insight. My husband and I are unable to see our 3 grandchildren because my daughter and SIL are not speaking to us. She is in fact, using them as a weapon and holding them hostage from us. Absolutely heartbreaking.
For those of us who are suffering not only from being estranged from our adult children but also having to bear the excruciating pain of not being able to be a part of our grandchildrens' lives. I found a website: http://www.aga-fl.org Alienated Grandparents Anonymous with a wealth of informative and encouraging articles from Drs. and Counselors and a list of support groups in the USA. Our grandchildren are suffering much like we are as they have no control over what is happening in their lives also. While it is now considered by many Drs. and Counselors as \"elder abuse\" what we are going through with our estranged children it is also considered \"child abuse\" what is happening to the grandchildren. They are the innocent ones and are having to bury their emotions why they no longer see their Grandma or Grandpa. What is going on in these little ones' minds? They at their young age should not have to suffer with those kinds of issues. Older grandchildren should not have to stop communicating with their grandparents just to show loyalty to their parents and keep peace. All of this is not normal or healthy for our grandchildren. We as Grandparents need to be the Voice for our Grandchildren and help get the information out to the proper people. This website is a non-profit group that is working towards helping both the Grandparents and Grandchildren. While Estrangement with Adult Children is becoming epidemic along with that comes the unfortunate and sad epidemic of Estranged Grandparents and Grandchildren that is a snow-balling effect of a decision made by those out of our control. I pray that we can find peace in helping our loving and innocent grandchildren. May I also wish you all a Mother's Day where you will treat yourself well and be gentle to yourselves reminding yourself what a good Mother and Person you are and were. Please forgive yourselves for any mistakes you have made as we are all human and imperfect. Most of all, forgive and love those that have hurt us as that is what we would want from them also. Take care.
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