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Support Groups for Estranged Grandparents
August 21, 2016
6:23 am
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Glenda
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Donald S. Sherwyn, E said
The role and prerogatives of grandparents to have real and active relationships with their grandchildren have suffered a tremendous drubbing over the last 15 years. This is due to the absence or insufficiency of legislation, and the arbitrary and inequitable approach taken by the trial and appellate courts in dealing with grandparent visitation petitions. Over the last few years I have represented many deserving, loving, dedicated, and, formerly, meaningfully involved grandparents, whose access to their grandchildren was either terminated or severely restricted for no better reason than that was what the parent(s) wanted. This is a tragedy for the grandchildren, grandparents, and our society as a whole. I want to offer my assistance to those grandparents who truly wish to have a real and active role in the lives of their grandchildren. 

Please contact me?  

August 14, 2016
2:44 pm
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onestepatatime
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It is definitely a tragedy for the baby when parents procreate under such tenuous situations. I am sorry you are going through this. Perhaps the best way to cope and to maybe heal a little bit is to take this as it is, for what it is, and stop living in the hope and tragedy. Easy for me to say, but if we continuously live in our hurt, thinking about it all the time, feeling like a victim, just not moving forward in life, we stay stuck and it can cause depression and ruin our lives. Al Anon has a nice phrase, detach from the alcoholic with love. Its a defense mechanism that allows us to live in the NOW, the today and stop taking ownership for another person's behavior. As far as what to tell your other children, how about the truth without bashing anyone. It is what it is and kids don't need to be lied to. And focus on what positive relationships they do have. Its a loss for your child also, so talk feelings. "We can't see GC name because ___ moved to ____. I sure miss him/her, don't you? I hope we can visit with GC soon. I am glad we have ___ and ___ here to love on us while we wait. Poor GC probably misses us as much as we miss him/her." And the thing is, give some of this criticism to your son who made a baby with a woman he was not committed to, nor in a good relationship with, nor who has much maturity it sounds like. Your son caused this, too. Son needs to own up, man up, pay child support and get custody rights. If he can't or won't, well that is something that is his fault. Don't just blame the mother who may have very good reasons for her moving away. We don't know her side of the story here but there is always two sides. Perhaps reaching out to her again with a lot of love and praise for her as a mother might help. If she is mentally unstable or has a personality disorder, that is another problem that isn't solvable.

August 13, 2016
6:31 pm
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grandma Karyn
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Stacie said

My son was never married to the mother of his child. Now that the relationship has ended and she has moved over 3 hours away, we are not allowed to see our grandson who is a year old. The pain is devastating. They have lived with us off and on since before he was born and we have spent a lot of time with him (usually having him overnight at least twice a week if they weren't living with us). The thing that makes it even harder is that we had already lost a granddaughter to full term still birth last November. I have tried so hard to be nice to his ex who has been physically abusive to my son just because I knew she would cut all ties. She is very young and immature. How do you cope daily with the pain and move on? I am a very young grandma (less than 50) and still have to work full time and care for my youngest who is only 8 (and doesn't understand why she doesn't get to see her nephew). SP

I am going thru the same thing, and it is so heartbreaking. Sometimes I find myself just crying uncontrollably the only way I am able to keep going is to try to stay busy and keep reminding myself that he is safe. And hoping that she will come around soon, or looking into legal options...its just so hard!

July 30, 2016
6:41 am
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Stacie
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My son was never married to the mother of his child. Now that the relationship has ended and she has moved over 3 hours away, we are not allowed to see our grandson who is a year old. The pain is devastating. They have lived with us off and on since before he was born and we have spent a lot of time with him (usually having him overnight at least twice a week if they weren't living with us). The thing that makes it even harder is that we had already lost a granddaughter to full term still birth last November. I have tried so hard to be nice to his ex who has been physically abusive to my son just because I knew she would cut all ties. She is very young and immature. How do you cope daily with the pain and move on? I am a very young grandma (less than 50) and still have to work full time and care for my youngest who is only 8 (and doesn't understand why she doesn't get to see her nephew). SP

July 28, 2016
12:54 pm
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Donald S. Sherwyn, E
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The role and prerogatives of grandparents to have real and active relationships with their grandchildren have suffered a tremendous drubbing over the last 15 years. This is due to the absence or insufficiency of legislation, and the arbitrary and inequitable approach taken by the trial and appellate courts in dealing with grandparent visitation petitions. Over the last few years I have represented many deserving, loving, dedicated, and, formerly, meaningfully involved grandparents, whose access to their grandchildren was either terminated or severely restricted for no better reason than that was what the parent(s) wanted. This is a tragedy for the grandchildren, grandparents, and our society as a whole. I want to offer my assistance to those grandparents who truly wish to have a real and active role in the lives of their grandchildren. 

July 15, 2016
10:56 am
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Tricia
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Dear Grandparents,

I'm so sorry for the heartbreaking stories I read here, but receive a lifting of isolation.  Two days ago, my son and DIL terminated all contact with my 4 yr old grandson.  This is the second time in 3 yrs.  

They are going thru a divorce, I kept grandson 2-3 days wkly and began to see signs of stress, internal confusion and inappropriate sexual comments (i'm a clinical social worker).  When I calmly approached them about seeking a play therapist for some temporary help they went ballistic, called me that evening very disrespectfully and cutting off all contact.  DIL's family has unlimited access to grandson but they don't "see" the problems, just a happy child.  

My grandson and I had a tremendous bond and he constantly hugged and told me he loved me.  We shared swim lessons, making cookies, going to the zoo, etc.  My husband is furious and them and concerned about my stress level.  

Yesterday, I was like a zombie--in pjs all day, going thru kleenex like crazy.  The last time this happened, I read Dr Coleman's book and took his online class.  In order to re-start the relationship, I had to "eat crow" with both of them.  

This is an unimaginable pain and every hour is unreal.  A friend of mine experienced this several years ago and altho she now has a full life, I see a constant underlying sense of sadness and loss in her.  

My apologies for the length of this post, I just needed to express myself.  

June 7, 2016
9:43 am
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Linda
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Hello,

I too am an estranged grandparent/mother. Reading all those posts does not make me feel better about being one of that group but at least I do know now that I am far from alone.

My daughter was a very attentive and caring daughter until she met a married man, 10 yrs her senior. A lot of red flags were raised from the beginning, but she adored him and so I supported them both.  My first grandson was the joy of my life, and I had regular contact until he was 3 years old. Whatever happened around that time is still incomprehensible to me but the upshot was that I was cut off from her family. That was 5 years ago.

The pain is excruciating. The self-talk, self-blaming for what I dont know, goes on non-stop in my head if I dont keep myself busy. From first fighting to see my grandson, to leaving the country 3 times to better tolerate the separation (it works) - to walking a pilgrimage (twice) - I have finally come to a place of acceptance. Trigger dates are birthdays, Mother's Day, my birthday, Christmas - you name it. That is when I know that the rest of the family is gathered for celebration - but I am not invited. Nor will she come if I am invited to an event. 

I raised my children as a single parent, went to college during those years, worked hard to give them a quality of life as best I could. The Father was mostly absent and did not participate, or support me. Now, this Father (now grandfather) is an active part in our daughter's family, her 2 brothers share celebrations with her, and it is very difficult to keep peaceful when I feel so ostracized.

Another baby was born to my daughter (1 day before my own birthday). I was refused a visit to the hospital, and my offers of help were refused. She is now 1 yr old. I was allowed to see her at 2 months (without the mother).

I reached out periodically. To no avail. Last time I did I received vicious emails. I decided then that I wld not contact her again, as she clearly is full of hate.  I am positive her common-law husband is driving this, he is very controlling, and I suspect she is keeping the peace at home.

I have been reading books on forgiveness, Kuebler-Ross's book on grief, and Alienated Grandparents Anonymous website. It helps to find vocabulary to put my pain into expression, to know that what I am feeling is grief, loss, pain, and what some experts call 'elder abuse' (towards the grandparent), and child abuse (towards the grandchild).

So be it. I keep busy, nurture my friendships, focus on work, weed and plant my garden (literally and figuratively). I am not angry anymore. But a great sadness is in my life, and never lifts. I have wonderful memories of my grandson who I had a special bond with.  The day will come when he will ask for his 'Oma'. Then, I will not want to be in my daughter's shoes. Remorse is a life-long cross. And I still care for her enough that I do not wish that pain on her.

May 31, 2016
5:29 pm
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Judi
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Rita said
Hello everyone!

This is my first time on this site.  This is the first time I have discussed this problem with anyone besides my husband. A few people are aware of the situation but not many.  

My son and my future dil will not let me see my grandson he is 9 months old.  This started back when he was first born.  I was to babysit 5 days a week then it went to 2 days a week then not at all.

He was born in one hospital and had to be flown to a children's hospital because he was not breathing.  They had to give him cpr from the minute he was born till he got to the children hospital.  The mother was not able to go because of health reasons.  So my husband and I went with my son and stayed with him until the mother was able to be released so she could be with her child and future husband.  So we came home and would drive 2 hours every other day to spend the afternoon to help.  My son called one time and said his girlfriend was in the hospital by the childrens hospital.  So we go over to give them a breather.  Before we left my son got ahold of us and told us that if we did not want to come that would be fine.  Well as parents we went to help in any way.  

Her parents were there ..so we told them they could visit their daughter while we sat with the grandbaby and my son.  Later we went to lunch my son made a statement I will never forget.  She told my son to tell us not to come we were not needed her parents could handle it.  I said she doesnt want us here.  He told no I have to keep everyone happy!  K , her mom and you..I stated no you don't just tell me what to do...well my heart broke into because I knew what this meant.  I would not be allowed to see my grandson anymore.  When we would go back and see them at the hospital.  If we got there and the kids wasn't there, the nurses would ask if we was related to the mother.  When we would say no...they would go "ooohhh" then say nothing else. That told me a story I would be living till my death.  

Since the grandchild had problems at the beginning ...test were done ..he gave the results in a text.  Of course I was upset heartbroken once again.  Dont know the extint until he grows up.

I ask him if I could ask for Prayer at Church...he said they didnt want anyone to know...I told them I would not tell what the need would be..that was not my place.  He said I could not ask the church for prayer which he knows the Bible but does not follow it.  I could not believe it...I was in shock because he had no problem when the baby was born.  So in the conversation somewhere they got the idea I said I did not want the grandbaby to get better.  My son was yelling at me crying and cussing.  I told him I did not want to be talked to that way...we are all under stress please stop and he hung upon me.  

Sorry for the book:  getting to the point....did not know anything was wrong....back up (at the children hospital her grandmother told me that k did not like me so she will not let me see my grandson...i will have to fight....) 

So they come home we cant go over till they call us....oh yea they live in my late mothers house rent free.....so we wait for the phone call....

Then later on my son comes over and tells me I made k mad .... so i said let us go and I will talk to her...knowing what stress she is under.  Before we could go he had to call her and see if I could come over.  Once there it came out about the church thing and that I did not want the grandbaby to get better.   I told them I did not remember saying that but if I hurt their feelings I was sorry...we all agreed we would move on....k had a really hard time moving on..but thought she did.

Well then the next day I heard from my son that I did not apologize for the church incident..so I called k she did not answer so I left a message saying.  really the same thing again I was sorry if I hurt her feelings...so time goes on....

That is when she contacted me about doing 2 days a week of babysitting.  she had texted me then about a half hour later my son called me wanting to know why I had not got back with k..I said I did...why..cause she told him I would not talk to her in a timely manner.

So I ask him If me and him was ok and yes we were....so ok that would be fine I work around the other situations.   

Then family was coming down to visit for a day......so I let her know...well they couldnt make it because of her family.  I said ok..Then my sister in law got with her and decided to come down earlier to see the baby.

K told them they would meet at her house...then I find out she told them to meet at my house..we were not home...running errands and was meeting my sil later...well that set her off..and of course this is my fault...we were together the immediate family and I did tell her the next time she wanted to meet at my house I would appreciate a heads up...then she started lying about it...saying it was me and then it was my sil....I told her no and so then they start in with saying I made comments...which no one else thought was in bad taste...I just said I haven't seen you in awhile..that made them made...

So after that I could not see my grandson until I apologize for what was said while in the hospital again....I have three times....so my husband and I decided enough no more apologizing for the same thing over and over.

Now we have to decide if they should pay rent or not...oh yea they will not come to any family function if I am there....

Sorry for the book,,,but I do feel better...I do realize I am not alone..boy it sure does hurt!!!!!

Thanks for listening or reading

Rita said
Hello everyone!

This is my first time on this site.  This is the first time I have discussed this problem with anyone besides my husband. A few people are aware of the situation but not many.  

My son and my future dil will not let me see my grandson he is 9 months old.  This started back when he was first born.  I was to babysit 5 days a week then it went to 2 days a week then not at all.

He was born in one hospital and had to be flown to a children's hospital because he was not breathing.  They had to give him cpr from the minute he was born till he got to the children hospital.  The mother was not able to go because of health reasons.  So my husband and I went with my son and stayed with him until the mother was able to be released so she could be with her child and future husband.  So we came home and would drive 2 hours every other day to spend the afternoon to help.  My son called one time and said his girlfriend was in the hospital by the childrens hospital.  So we go over to give them a breather.  Before we left my son got ahold of us and told us that if we did not want to come that would be fine.  Well as parents we went to help in any way.  

Her parents were there ..so we told them they could visit their daughter while we sat with the grandbaby and my son.  Later we went to lunch my son made a statement I will never forget.  She told my son to tell us not to come we were not needed her parents could handle it.  I said she doesnt want us here.  He told no I have to keep everyone happy!  K , her mom and you..I stated no you don't just tell me what to do...well my heart broke into because I knew what this meant.  I would not be allowed to see my grandson anymore.  When we would go back and see them at the hospital.  If we got there and the kids wasn't there, the nurses would ask if we was related to the mother.  When we would say no...they would go "ooohhh" then say nothing else. That told me a story I would be living till my death.  

Since the grandchild had problems at the beginning ...test were done ..he gave the results in a text.  Of course I was upset heartbroken once again.  Dont know the extint until he grows up.

I ask him if I could ask for Prayer at Church...he said they didnt want anyone to know...I told them I would not tell what the need would be..that was not my place.  He said I could not ask the church for prayer which he knows the Bible but does not follow it.  I could not believe it...I was in shock because he had no problem when the baby was born.  So in the conversation somewhere they got the idea I said I did not want the grandbaby to get better.  My son was yelling at me crying and cussing.  I told him I did not want to be talked to that way...we are all under stress please stop and he hung upon me.  

Sorry for the book:  getting to the point....did not know anything was wrong....back up (at the children hospital her grandmother told me that k did not like me so she will not let me see my grandson...i will have to fight....) 

So they come home we cant go over till they call us....oh yea they live in my late mothers house rent free.....so we wait for the phone call....

Then later on my son comes over and tells me I made k mad .... so i said let us go and I will talk to her...knowing what stress she is under.  Before we could go he had to call her and see if I could come over.  Once there it came out about the church thing and that I did not want the grandbaby to get better.   I told them I did not remember saying that but if I hurt their feelings I was sorry...we all agreed we would move on....k had a really hard time moving on..but thought she did.

Well then the next day I heard from my son that I did not apologize for the church incident..so I called k she did not answer so I left a message saying.  really the same thing again I was sorry if I hurt her feelings...so time goes on....

That is when she contacted me about doing 2 days a week of babysitting.  she had texted me then about a half hour later my son called me wanting to know why I had not got back with k..I said I did...why..cause she told him I would not talk to her in a timely manner.

So I ask him If me and him was ok and yes we were....so ok that would be fine I work around the other situations.   

Then family was coming down to visit for a day......so I let her know...well they couldnt make it because of her family.  I said ok..Then my sister in law got with her and decided to come down earlier to see the baby.

K told them they would meet at her house...then I find out she told them to meet at my house..we were not home...running errands and was meeting my sil later...well that set her off..and of course this is my fault...we were together the immediate family and I did tell her the next time she wanted to meet at my house I would appreciate a heads up...then she started lying about it...saying it was me and then it was my sil....I told her no and so then they start in with saying I made comments...which no one else thought was in bad taste...I just said I haven't seen you in awhile..that made them made...

So after that I could not see my grandson until I apologize for what was said while in the hospital again....I have three times....so my husband and I decided enough no more apologizing for the same thing over and over.

Now we have to decide if they should pay rent or not...oh yea they will not come to any family function if I am there....

Sorry for the book,,,but I do feel better...I do realize I am not alone..boy it sure does hurt!!!!!

Thanks for listening or reading

Rita said
Hello everyone!

This is my first time on this site.  This is the first time I have discussed this problem with anyone besides my husband. A few people are aware of the situation but not many.  

My son and my future dil will not let me see my grandson he is 9 months old.  This started back when he was first born.  I was to babysit 5 days a week then it went to 2 days a week then not at all.

He was born in one hospital and had to be flown to a children's hospital because he was not breathing.  They had to give him cpr from the minute he was born till he got to the children hospital.  The mother was not able to go because of health reasons.  So my husband and I went with my son and stayed with him until the mother was able to be released so she could be with her child and future husband.  So we came home and would drive 2 hours every other day to spend the afternoon to help.  My son called one time and said his girlfriend was in the hospital by the childrens hospital.  So we go over to give them a breather.  Before we left my son got ahold of us and told us that if we did not want to come that would be fine.  Well as parents we went to help in any way.  

Her parents were there ..so we told them they could visit their daughter while we sat with the grandbaby and my son.  Later we went to lunch my son made a statement I will never forget.  She told my son to tell us not to come we were not needed her parents could handle it.  I said she doesnt want us here.  He told no I have to keep everyone happy!  K , her mom and you..I stated no you don't just tell me what to do...well my heart broke into because I knew what this meant.  I would not be allowed to see my grandson anymore.  When we would go back and see them at the hospital.  If we got there and the kids wasn't there, the nurses would ask if we was related to the mother.  When we would say no...they would go "ooohhh" then say nothing else. That told me a story I would be living till my death.  

Since the grandchild had problems at the beginning ...test were done ..he gave the results in a text.  Of course I was upset heartbroken once again.  Dont know the extint until he grows up.

I ask him if I could ask for Prayer at Church...he said they didnt want anyone to know...I told them I would not tell what the need would be..that was not my place.  He said I could not ask the church for prayer which he knows the Bible but does not follow it.  I could not believe it...I was in shock because he had no problem when the baby was born.  So in the conversation somewhere they got the idea I said I did not want the grandbaby to get better.  My son was yelling at me crying and cussing.  I told him I did not want to be talked to that way...we are all under stress please stop and he hung upon me.  

Sorry for the book:  getting to the point....did not know anything was wrong....back up (at the children hospital her grandmother told me that k did not like me so she will not let me see my grandson...i will have to fight....) 

So they come home we cant go over till they call us....oh yea they live in my late mothers house rent free.....so we wait for the phone call....

Then later on my son comes over and tells me I made k mad .... so i said let us go and I will talk to her...knowing what stress she is under.  Before we could go he had to call her and see if I could come over.  Once there it came out about the church thing and that I did not want the grandbaby to get better.   I told them I did not remember saying that but if I hurt their feelings I was sorry...we all agreed we would move on....k had a really hard time moving on..but thought she did.

Well then the next day I heard from my son that I did not apologize for the church incident..so I called k she did not answer so I left a message saying.  really the same thing again I was sorry if I hurt her feelings...so time goes on....

That is when she contacted me about doing 2 days a week of babysitting.  she had texted me then about a half hour later my son called me wanting to know why I had not got back with k..I said I did...why..cause she told him I would not talk to her in a timely manner.

So I ask him If me and him was ok and yes we were....so ok that would be fine I work around the other situations.   

Then family was coming down to visit for a day......so I let her know...well they couldnt make it because of her family.  I said ok..Then my sister in law got with her and decided to come down earlier to see the baby.

K told them they would meet at her house...then I find out she told them to meet at my house..we were not home...running errands and was meeting my sil later...well that set her off..and of course this is my fault...we were together the immediate family and I did tell her the next time she wanted to meet at my house I would appreciate a heads up...then she started lying about it...saying it was me and then it was my sil....I told her no and so then they start in with saying I made comments...which no one else thought was in bad taste...I just said I haven't seen you in awhile..that made them made...

So after that I could not see my grandson until I apologize for what was said while in the hospital again....I have three times....so my husband and I decided enough no more apologizing for the same thing over and over.

Now we have to decide if they should pay rent or not...oh yea they will not come to any family function if I am there....

Sorry for the book,,,but I do feel better...I do realize I am not alone..boy it sure does hurt!!!!!

Thanks for listening or reading

Hello Rita,

This is my first time on this site.  Your story brought me to realize how many times this situation plagues Christian families.  Rita these entitled children are going to have to pay a price and God's word is very clear.  My daughter and her husband live 20 min away have 4 beautiful Children,  we were stopped being able to see them as well as my other daughter and husband since May 2008, other than 1 time in June 2008 when I had a heart attack and was in the hospital.  I am 75 yrs old with many health problems and yearn to see them.  As is in all conflicts it takes 2 to tango!  I take and have offered apologies with no buts and to know avail.  I pray daily for a miracle and I know God knows my heart and trusting that in His time I will understand.

Rita, your son is trying to keep peace in his family.  His wife is probably very controlling and it is most likely her way or the highway.

I don't want to seem like a know it all but Rita God gave you disernment (sp!) when you requested to place your dear grandchild on the prayer list!  You have that right and I use my prayer chain often.  I have told my Pastor about my situation And I keep him abreast of what is going on.  Our churches are our families.  I am so happy you have that available!

If you will allow me to know it all again,  Tell your son and daughter in-law you are selling YOUR house.  Since they do not acknowledge you as anything but a free ride, expressly do not let you enjoy the God given gift of being a grandparent, the house is going to be sold and an account is going to set-up and proceeds are going into an account for the grandchild at 21 yrs old and at that time he/she will know how empty your lives have been without him/she.  guaranteed your grandchild will be upset with Mother.  They are going to have to see what the other shoe looks like!

Rita God Bless you!  I am going to place you on my prayer list!  I am in Washington, where are you?

Judi

April 25, 2016
7:06 am
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Dave Furey
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Hey Boys and girls,  I am 62 myself and stumbled over this site. I have a story that's unique and I can't find ANYBODY anywhere talking about my situation. I have 2 grand daughters and I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM.  Supposedly something I said to my oldest son's ex-wife about him, so he hasn't talked to me in 5 years. The girls, from what I understand are 4 & 2 and he remarried his first wife. (got married at 18, told him not to)  Can you imagine the BALLS of a child of yours, not even telling you that you have grandchildren?  I could throw-up listening to a lot of these experts telling alienated grandparents to pretty much, KISS THEIR BEHINDS to smooth things over and have a relationship again. I am his FATHER and deserve RESPECT. My parents, Grandparents said whatever the hell they wanted, if you didn't like it, TUFF! You didn't CUT THEM OFF. I would rather be dead than disrespect my parents. I was a single parent when their alcky mother took off and went to Florida. I took care of both boys and the oldest in question was out of control.  I say this, and it is sad, YOU NEED TO DETACH and move on!  These kids that keep your grandkids away are kids themselves, never grew up and are so self centered that they don't deserve your love. I would pray that if it's God's will he will intervene in their life. If not, I can only hope that I'll be alive to someday sit down and have a chat with the grand daughters when they get older. If not, so be it.  My youngest is a great boy, 27 now, married and they are wonderful. I have changed my will, not to punish but I need to have my things in order in case something happens to me. My only brother died 2 years ago at 64 and it makes you realize a lot of things. I WILL NOT be dangled on a string by a child that I brought into this world, not asking for anything but RESPECT for me and my authority as his father!  Shame on him and his wife, she's just as bad. Haven't heard a thing from her either. Take care everybody and if you have done nothing wrong, hold your head high and go on with the the others you love in your life.

April 15, 2016
1:18 pm
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onestepatatime
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Belinda, I am so sorry that you are caught in such a difficult situation. I have an adult child that is nice one day and nasty the next and we are often estranged. I have stopped putting up with her nastiness and now stand up for myself. It took a while to let go and detach from the pain. It sounds like your daughter is mentally ill or has a personality disorder. Not stable and rational. At this point, you have to decide what you want to do. Do you want to keep being a punching bag, on a yo yo, with the grandkids and daughter. Do you want to set boundaries and hold onto your dignity? Dr Phil says we teach people how to treat us. When someone does not treat us with dignity and respect, why do we excuse the behavior and not set boundaries, even when its our child? Because we want to be loved and we want to give love. Or we feel guilty or ashamed or that we deserve to be mistreated because we are not good enough. Consider going to a counselor to help you sort through what you want to do. It is not an easy road but once we realize that we can't make someone be nice to us, but that we deserve to be treated properly, then we start to take back our power.

April 15, 2016
1:10 pm
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onestepatatime
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Rita, this is truly a chaotic and difficult situation for you. It sounds like no win and your son is trying to make everyone happy. This is just some practical advice for you in a bad situation.

 

In the end, son will choose the mother of his child to make happy. I think it is usually a mistake to give and give to our adult children and I think people don't appreciate that which they get for free or no effort. Living in the house rent free seems to make people feel "entitled" because it is not a business arrangement. You and your husband meant well but now you know better. It is best for your son and his girlfriend to work and pay rent and earn what they eat and live in.

 

BUT, at this point, anything you do will just throw gasoline on the fire. I would suggest you and your husband take a month or two off and do not contact son or the baby's mother and take some time to breathe and let this go. Focus on doing some new and fun things with your husband or take up a new hobby yourself.

 

The situation with this girlfriend will not ever get better. She likes drama and manipulation and control. Likely she feels "less than" because she is not married to the father of her child (that is my general experience working with unmarried mothers, they often seem very insecure about their circumstances). You must not get caught in her trap and that means you have to be smarter and more mature. Do not make it harder on your son. Send her some flowers with a nice card that says what a wonderful loving mother she is and you are grateful that she is your grandchild's son. Make nice and see what happens.

 

The other thing that I noticed in your post is a lot of arguing or hot tempered words. It is not a fair situation but you must control yourself and not get mad or say hateful things to her when she does something. In other words, you must take the high road. Do not respond if she tries to start an argument. If you don't react negatively with anger or spite, then she does not win. And your poor son is not faced with two mad women. Likely my advice will not fix the problem but it might help you and your husband look at the situation with fresh eyes and be able to detach from it and set boundaries for yourself.

April 13, 2016
11:34 pm
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Rita
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Hello everyone!

This is my first time on this site.  This is the first time I have discussed this problem with anyone besides my husband. A few people are aware of the situation but not many.  

My son and my future dil will not let me see my grandson he is 9 months old.  This started back when he was first born.  I was to babysit 5 days a week then it went to 2 days a week then not at all.

He was born in one hospital and had to be flown to a children's hospital because he was not breathing.  They had to give him cpr from the minute he was born till he got to the children hospital.  The mother was not able to go because of health reasons.  So my husband and I went with my son and stayed with him until the mother was able to be released so she could be with her child and future husband.  So we came home and would drive 2 hours every other day to spend the afternoon to help.  My son called one time and said his girlfriend was in the hospital by the childrens hospital.  So we go over to give them a breather.  Before we left my son got ahold of us and told us that if we did not want to come that would be fine.  Well as parents we went to help in any way.  

Her parents were there ..so we told them they could visit their daughter while we sat with the grandbaby and my son.  Later we went to lunch my son made a statement I will never forget.  She told my son to tell us not to come we were not needed her parents could handle it.  I said she doesnt want us here.  He told no I have to keep everyone happy!  K , her mom and you..I stated no you don't just tell me what to do...well my heart broke into because I knew what this meant.  I would not be allowed to see my grandson anymore.  When we would go back and see them at the hospital.  If we got there and the kids wasn't there, the nurses would ask if we was related to the mother.  When we would say no...they would go "ooohhh" then say nothing else. That told me a story I would be living till my death.  

Since the grandchild had problems at the beginning ...test were done ..he gave the results in a text.  Of course I was upset heartbroken once again.  Dont know the extint until he grows up.

I ask him if I could ask for Prayer at Church...he said they didnt want anyone to know...I told them I would not tell what the need would be..that was not my place.  He said I could not ask the church for prayer which he knows the Bible but does not follow it.  I could not believe it...I was in shock because he had no problem when the baby was born.  So in the conversation somewhere they got the idea I said I did not want the grandbaby to get better.  My son was yelling at me crying and cussing.  I told him I did not want to be talked to that way...we are all under stress please stop and he hung upon me.  

Sorry for the book:  getting to the point....did not know anything was wrong....back up (at the children hospital her grandmother told me that k did not like me so she will not let me see my grandson...i will have to fight....) 

So they come home we cant go over till they call us....oh yea they live in my late mothers house rent free.....so we wait for the phone call....

Then later on my son comes over and tells me I made k mad .... so i said let us go and I will talk to her...knowing what stress she is under.  Before we could go he had to call her and see if I could come over.  Once there it came out about the church thing and that I did not want the grandbaby to get better.   I told them I did not remember saying that but if I hurt their feelings I was sorry...we all agreed we would move on....k had a really hard time moving on..but thought she did.

Well then the next day I heard from my son that I did not apologize for the church incident..so I called k she did not answer so I left a message saying.  really the same thing again I was sorry if I hurt her feelings...so time goes on....

That is when she contacted me about doing 2 days a week of babysitting.  she had texted me then about a half hour later my son called me wanting to know why I had not got back with k..I said I did...why..cause she told him I would not talk to her in a timely manner.

So I ask him If me and him was ok and yes we were....so ok that would be fine I work around the other situations.   

Then family was coming down to visit for a day......so I let her know...well they couldnt make it because of her family.  I said ok..Then my sister in law got with her and decided to come down earlier to see the baby.

K told them they would meet at her house...then I find out she told them to meet at my house..we were not home...running errands and was meeting my sil later...well that set her off..and of course this is my fault...we were together the immediate family and I did tell her the next time she wanted to meet at my house I would appreciate a heads up...then she started lying about it...saying it was me and then it was my sil....I told her no and so then they start in with saying I made comments...which no one else thought was in bad taste...I just said I haven't seen you in awhile..that made them made...

So after that I could not see my grandson until I apologize for what was said while in the hospital again....I have three times....so my husband and I decided enough no more apologizing for the same thing over and over.

Now we have to decide if they should pay rent or not...oh yea they will not come to any family function if I am there....

Sorry for the book,,,but I do feel better...I do realize I am not alone..boy it sure does hurt!!!!!

Thanks for listening or reading

April 2, 2016
6:44 pm
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Belinda
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I am new to this group.I have been on an emotional roller coaster at the hands of my only living child (female),off and on for so many years,I have lost count. When she flips out,it's like I am on time out and she pulls my grandchildren away.They are not allowed to visit or even call me on the phone.This has happened so many times I have told myself I will just move on with my life, but in actuality it hurts me to the core.I feel at this time it is beginning to affect my health. I remarried and she does not care for my spouse.It's like if she does not like disapprove of a person or situation in my life then I am wrong,she is right and if I do not conform to her way of thinking I loose her therefore my grandchildren til she decides to let it go. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

March 5, 2016
7:36 pm
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Judith
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Hi 

I too am an estranged grandmother - the only grand daughter being the adopted child of my oldest son and his wife

Her mother has full control along with her husband having the child during holidays and after school each day etc 

I've only been invited to one shared 'Mother's Day' lunch which was two years ago only because I made the effort and asked my son could we meet

I'd doyourne years of spending that and Xmas and Easter you name without family -

i won't ring them anymore - last year after the one before i suggested perhaps we might meet at a more mutually convenient location - I had to take two trains and a car ride on my own - they on the other hand rode in together in my son's car from Sidcup to The Strand in City of London where he works at the bank - 

There wasn't even a place set for me when i arrived at the restaurant - I had said I was having panic attacks and wasn't sure if I'd manage it but I felt like the bad fairy!!

Last year my son made a feeble excuse that they were short of time and space and perhaps we'd meet the following weekend for lunch-

But I felt incredibly hurt knowing that the whole country was celebrating Mother's Day together on the day!

This time round fortunately I've been invited out by another Al-anon member to International Women's Day gathering on Mother's Day which at least will serve as some distraction!  I did at least buy myself a bunch of really nice flowers - and cooked myself a really nice roast beef this evening even though I was alone, with roast potatoes, parsnips, cauliflower carrots and yorkshire pudding etc and had a little red wine from an open bottle in the  pantry - while watching a good chat show hosted by Jonathan Ross - guests included Richard Gere, a female comediene and Barry Cordy the Motown mogul - it was a really good show and afterwards watched a police thriller series - so in all i had a good evening and must go to bed if I am to be up in time for the International Womens Day celebration - Thanks for all your stories and hope you manage to achieve a bit of peace of mind in one way or another - I know the pain can be intollerable ((Hugs to all)))

February 29, 2016
12:45 pm
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Tobi Dawn
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  I am an alienated parent and grandparent ,I need a support group I live in the Texas Panhandle please help !!!! 

February 29, 2016
9:18 am
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melanie lalita
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I am struggling with my situation. my mother died, unresolved stuff, and my children left home. WE CAME TO OZ AFTER I MET HUSBAND nz BUT ORIGIN England TO 13 YEARS OLD. My mother and step-father emigrated then and I lost contact and never really had much contact with relatives but granddad emigrated a year afer , having built home unit and we were close. I mention this because in my estrangement from daughter I remember how much my closeness to my grandad enriched my  life. I am questioning everything and stagnating and feeling lost now. Empty. I have won awards for my proze and spent time in bed after trauma I never told and ended up slotted into a space my mother opened by saying a distant relative was mentally unwell. Then I was Told two years on in a very controlled environment yes I knew you were raped . She ran away from phone when I told her school teacher had sex with me but years on he spent time in jail in Auckland but now can't reach my children,especially Zara, and I,m feeling less like getting up and more like giving up. PS. I was a STREAM ENGLISH AND ACTIVE AND BEGAN DANCING AT 3 AND GAVE UP AFTER RAPE AND SCHOOL TEACHER MR SPILLAINE AT 17 AND AFTER CAR CRASH AND GOT SLOTTED INTO A SPACE OF DEPRESSION AND MEDS B ECAUSE I NEVER SPOKE. PS I'M AGROPHOBIC AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE NOW AND DEEPLY DEPRESSED AND CAN;T SEE MY BEAUTIFULGRANDDAUGHTER OR FIX ANYTHING

December 13, 2015
1:55 pm
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Judy
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OMG! I completely understand the pain and trauma you are going through. This has happened with two of my four children and they use the grandchildren as weapons to hurt me. Both my son and daughter have alcohol issues and feel I don't do enough for them. Having been widowed 21 years ago, my family IS my heart, soul and reason for living.

With the holidays fast approaching, I dread the pain of not being able to see my grandkids.

May we find a way to bring our family values back and end this needless abuse for ourselves and little ones.

December 2, 2015
9:20 am
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Teresa
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my heart is broken. After helping my son a couple of years ago with his divorce, helped him sell his house , let him and our grandson live with us. He meets this girl within a month gets engaged she very swiftly gets her name on his checking account . He takes my grandson to live with the girlfriend my grandson only met her 3 times. long story short my son has cut off all communication with us, he wont let me talk to our grandson with whom we had a very close loving relationship with, he also took my grandson out of counseling with no word to the counsel to let her know he was not going anymore. My grandson has gone through alot with a mean abusive mother who abandoned him twice. then is put in a situation where he knows no one . his father works out of state. So he dosen't even see his father on a regular basis. he only sees the girlfriend and who ever is at her house . the topper is she got engaged to my son and is still married the husband still lives in the house while my grandson lives there and his father works out of state. I went to a lawyer for grandparents rights to see my grandson the money i dont have because we gave it to our son to get him back on his feet. MY grandson misses us the 3 times i did talk to him he said he wanted to see us. 6 months have gone by , I cry everyday hoping for a miracle, with the hoildays coming it will be very hard. I dont understand how our son can do this.

November 17, 2015
1:29 am
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Teresa
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kristins said

I just came across this group. I'm a grama of three..2 are my sons who got divorced recently. I used to babsit the kids sometimes 7 days a week keeping overnites all the time ..pretty much helping raise them. Since my sons gotten divorced my ex daughter in law is using the kids as a weapon against my son and our family.. And mind you we are a very good loving family.  A very close family. She is kicking us where it hurts and she knows it.. I haven't seen them in almost 2 months and this is forever to me. I am very close and bonded to them. My one grandson calls me Ma he doesn't call me Grandma no matter how much we try.. Lol.  He calls his mom Mommy and me Ma.. I cry everyday and am very depressed I'm never depressed.   My entire Facebook is me with the Grandkids.. I have never said anything bad to my ex daughter in law but its getting very hard not to. If my son does something to make her mad she takes it out on me now because she knows it hurts him.. I just need to vent.  I don't know what to do..  I am honestly about to go get visitation papers .. This is really hard and I just don't understand how people can be so cruel..

Have just found this site.  In a similar situation for the past two years - also our son.  You tapped into exactly how we feel.  Cried and cried at first and still feel totally powerless to do anything to resolve the situation.Cannot understand why all this heartbreak and emotional turmoil is allowed to happen when the outcome is mental health problems and anxiety ridden children through no fault of their own.  Divorcing couples should be forced to have councelling, paid for by the State, to make them see the damage they do through using their children as weapons.  It is everywhere in our society.  I am amazed, when I open up to friends about our situation how many are also suffering through similar family breakdowns.  My best advice is to not give in.  Let your grandchildren know you are still there for them via whatever channel possible, even if you are not sure they receive cards or presents.  I always put our address and phone number in cards.  I also have a "treasure box" for my three grandchildren with their names on which I have filled with memories of our time together when they were younger.  Every holiday we have I put a keepsake in them to let them know we never forgot them.  I pray every day that their mother will soften her attitude but I know their young minds have been poisoned against their paternal family.

November 12, 2015
3:26 pm
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kristins
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I just came across this group. I'm a grama of three..2 are my sons who got divorced recently. I used to babsit the kids sometimes 7 days a week keeping overnites all the time ..pretty much helping raise them. Since my sons gotten divorced my ex daughter in law is using the kids as a weapon against my son and our family.. And mind you we are a very good loving family.  A very close family. She is kicking us where it hurts and she knows it.. I haven't seen them in almost 2 months and this is forever to me. I am very close and bonded to them. My one grandson calls me Ma he doesn't call me Grandma no matter how much we try.. Lol.  He calls his mom Mommy and me Ma.. I cry everyday and am very depressed I'm never depressed.   My entire Facebook is me with the Grandkids.. I have never said anything bad to my ex daughter in law but its getting very hard not to. If my son does something to make her mad she takes it out on me now because she knows it hurts him.. I just need to vent.  I don't know what to do..  I am honestly about to go get visitation papers .. This is really hard and I just don't understand how people can be so cruel..

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