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Orchestrated and Planned Alienation
February 7, 2017
3:10 am
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Verona Rodriguez
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You have complete right over your  grandchildren and you should definitely consider all the legal options possible for harassing you and your husband as well as keeping away from your grandchildren. Even my granny faced a similar situation when my brothers wife distanced her from her grandchildren and literally siphoned off all her money,so she consulted an attorney whom she came across on the Internet and filed a case against them.

August 30, 2016
11:13 pm
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Julie
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Laurel said

Julie said
We (my husband and I) are alienated from our son and two grandchildren; I feel it was a planned alienation by our toxic daughter-in-law.  Each week she would tell our son to tell us that we didn't do this and didn't do that, or we did this wrong or that wrong.  These were very petty issues and in no way were they reasons to break up a family.  Since she was so good at this, and our son completely enabled her to do it, I believe by the time the complete alienation happened, there was no changing the situation.  Prior to the complete alienation, we tried to overlook the behavior and continued to be nice to her, but in the end, she had an agenda that had a lot to do with money.  We had paid for many things when they were first married, but later when they needed money, we loaned it to them and had them sign a promissory note.  At this point, the process of alienation was ramped up (I think because we didn't just give them the money-several thousands of dollars) to the point that we couldn't hold our grandchild; the situation escalated with fewer opportunities to be with the grandchild and within six months, we were completely alienated. A second grandchild was born that we haven't seen.  There is much more to this situation to include odd behaviors, cruelty, demands and a lack of empathy.   

Hi Julie, I can relate to your pain. We too are experiencing similar behavior from our daughter-in-law including what I believe is the beginning of alienation from our grandchildren.  The relationship between my son and her is toxic and I believe he suffers from depression, but is trying to remain in the relationship until the little one is a bit older so he can have access.  I didn't know before they got together so I can't say hindsight would have helped, that her parents' relationship was toxic to the point that her mother (very controlling) will not go to any event of her daughters' (including weddings) if her ex-husband (divorced 23 years ago) is there. Her daughters are not allowed to say his name or the mother threatens to take away money (she gave them both money for houses but became an owner with them so she was guaranteed her money back).  My daughter-in-law was raised with trauma therapy from the mother and suffers from anxiety and panic disorder and is highly reliant on her mother.  When I realized this (a couple of years observing) it became clear that any relationship with a man is doomed as he would have to accept both the daughter-in-law and her mother as "partners" in the relationship (yes, daugther-in-law has a previous failed marriage).  It was wonderful with the first grandchild, however, after the second, their relationship deteriorated and as a result so did ours.  I am a "flight" person in a fight or flight situation and pray endlessly and try my best to let go and let God.  I could deal with being alienated from my son and daughter-in-law, but I know your pain in being alienated from the grandchildren.  I am quietly sitting back because I don't want to confront at this stage of the game.  I am sorry for what you are experiencing Julie and wish I could offer advice, but it's tough unless you're living through it and know the personalities involved. My prayers are with you.

Thank you Laurel.  I appreciate your kind words and prayers.  My prayers are also with you. 

I see that you are in that stage of "walking on egg shells."  I wish that when we were in that stage that we had known more about these behaviors. My recommendation to you since you are not fully alienated is to do just what you are doing, and to be aware that unbelievably petty reasons could be used to alienate.  My friend who is also an alienated grandmother was alienated for giving her 2-year-old grandchild a couple of Goldfish crackers.  Seems hard to believe, but that was the reason. 

I find it interesting that your daughter-in-law is also in a codependent relationship with her mother and that she uses money to control her children.  In this case, it almost seems that our daughter-in-law controls her mother.  Since we were only around them for a short time, their true selves may not have been revealed to us.  The mother and daughter team found our son to pay their bills and off they went back to her state in less than two years . . . like con artists. 

Wishing you peace.

  

August 30, 2016
7:14 am
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Laurel
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Julie said
We (my husband and I) are alienated from our son and two grandchildren; I feel it was a planned alienation by our toxic daughter-in-law.  Each week she would tell our son to tell us that we didn't do this and didn't do that, or we did this wrong or that wrong.  These were very petty issues and in no way were they reasons to break up a family.  Since she was so good at this, and our son completely enabled her to do it, I believe by the time the complete alienation happened, there was no changing the situation.  Prior to the complete alienation, we tried to overlook the behavior and continued to be nice to her, but in the end, she had an agenda that had a lot to do with money.  We had paid for many things when they were first married, but later when they needed money, we loaned it to them and had them sign a promissory note.  At this point, the process of alienation was ramped up (I think because we didn't just give them the money-several thousands of dollars) to the point that we couldn't hold our grandchild; the situation escalated with fewer opportunities to be with the grandchild and within six months, we were completely alienated. A second grandchild was born that we haven't seen.  There is much more to this situation to include odd behaviors, cruelty, demands and a lack of empathy.   

Hi Julie, I can relate to your pain. We too are experiencing similar behavior from our daughter-in-law including what I believe is the beginning of alienation from our grandchildren.  The relationship between my son and her is toxic and I believe he suffers from depression, but is trying to remain in the relationship until the little one is a bit older so he can have access.  I didn't know before they got together so I can't say hindsight would have helped, that her parents' relationship was toxic to the point that her mother (very controlling) will not go to any event of her daughters' (including weddings) if her ex-husband (divorced 23 years ago) is there. Her daughters are not allowed to say his name or the mother threatens to take away money (she gave them both money for houses but became an owner with them so she was guaranteed her money back).  My daughter-in-law was raised with trauma therapy from the mother and suffers from anxiety and panic disorder and is highly reliant on her mother.  When I realized this (a couple of years observing) it became clear that any relationship with a man is doomed as he would have to accept both the daughter-in-law and her mother as "partners" in the relationship (yes, daugther-in-law has a previous failed marriage).  It was wonderful with the first grandchild, however, after the second, their relationship deteriorated and as a result so did ours.  I am a "flight" person in a fight or flight situation and pray endlessly and try my best to let go and let God.  I could deal with being alienated from my son and daughter-in-law, but I know your pain in being alienated from the grandchildren.  I am quietly sitting back because I don't want to confront at this stage of the game.  I am sorry for what you are experiencing Julie and wish I could offer advice, but it's tough unless you're living through it and know the personalities involved. My prayers are with you.

August 29, 2016
6:39 am
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Fred
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Aww Julie:  

That's a sad and painful story.  I don't know what I would do if my grandchildren were removed from my life.  I believe that your thoughts on a planned alienation are correct. Do not lie to your feelings about what is happening.  However, your daughter in-law would not be able to subject y'all to this heartbreaking separation if your son was not enabling her to do so.  

Regroup, and out think her through the love your son has for you. Maybe a letter, or conversation where the emphasis would be on the love you have for "them" is the key element.   Asking for money to be returned is not wrong, feeling bad because you can't hold your grandchild is not wrong. What kind of grandparents are her parents?  Does she mistreat them also?  All you can really do at this point is apologize for whatever the hell she is contriving up to get rid of you for,  and wait. From my experience, sometimes you have to make the culprit look small for you to win big. Anyway, who wants to lose, when the "gamble" is family? This may help your son stand up and stop the emotional abuse she has decided to heap upon you and your husband. Pray and wait.

August 28, 2016
10:59 pm
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Julie
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We (my husband and I) are alienated from our son and two grandchildren; I feel it was a planned alienation by our toxic daughter-in-law.  Each week she would tell our son to tell us that we didn't do this and didn't do that, or we did this wrong or that wrong.  These were very petty issues and in no way were they reasons to break up a family.  Since she was so good at this, and our son completely enabled her to do it, I believe by the time the complete alienation happened, there was no changing the situation.  Prior to the complete alienation, we tried to overlook the behavior and continued to be nice to her, but in the end, she had an agenda that had a lot to do with money.  We had paid for many things when they were first married, but later when they needed money, we loaned it to them and had them sign a promissory note.  At this point, the process of alienation was ramped up (I think because we didn't just give them the money-several thousands of dollars) to the point that we couldn't hold our grandchild; the situation escalated with fewer opportunities to be with the grandchild and within six months, we were completely alienated. A second grandchild was born that we haven't seen.  There is much more to this situation to include odd behaviors, cruelty, demands and a lack of empathy.   

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