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Hi, sorry for what you’re going through. As Debby wisely said, you are always going to lose. Don’t feed the crocodile because at the end it will eat you. The only thing you can save here is yourself.
The most important person here is you, the happiness you pursue, is yours.
Let go and let God. The only thing we can control in life is ourselves. Adjust to your lose and move on.

You cannot "chase" them, it doesn't work. As you said it best–it is a no win and no matter what you do, it is twisted against you. You just keep impaling yourself on your own sword. If the activity appears to "feed the frenzy"–then stop the activity.

shamysmom said:

My daughter's father and his current wife have been "psychologically" evaluating me and she has often been quoting them word for word. While my daughter continues to repeat their accusations of my "psychological disorders", she just had my first grandbaby and refuses to let me see either herself or her baby.

It is psychologically genius for the ex and his wife to do this because it puts me in a position where no matter what I do, even apologize with humility, it is seen as a character disorder. When I try to explain to my daughter how much I love her and want to have her in my life; that it is painful and I would do anything to work this all out, I am viewed as "manipulative" and narcisstic.

When I asked the ex for his support with our son's medical bills, his response was that I had an ulterior motive to ask for his share of the payment. It was to get him back for her estrangement. This makes me vindictive.

If she read this letter here, she would believe I was immersed in self pity with a sense of victimization.

Is anyone else experiencing this psychologically crippling situation that holds good parents hostage with emotional blackmail? Everything we do is "proof" of our disorder.

This daughter is my first. I had always thought that we were very close and I have tried endlessly to stay in touch but she demands that I leave her alone. I was a stay at home mom and her advocate for many years, 24/7.

Does anyone in here feel like they are living someone else's life because of this?

Yet, my relationship with my other children is very strong. Sometimes I feel as though it is stronger because of this one estrangement.

I don't know what to do. When I contact her, it is because I am a narcissist and have a false sense of entitlement. When I try to let go by doing as she wishes, I am said to be "borderline" and shifting between two extremes.

I have tried apologies, admitting my mistakes, notes to remind her that I love her and I will always be here, but the more I am not in her life, the more she avoids me. She has taken me aside and told me that she does not love me and that I am not a good person.

Counseling doesn't work. They just send me away because I have no "disorder" and I seem to be handling it in the only way anyone can. So I tried another counselor. In the eyes of my daughter and her father and his wife this, is indicative of my personality disorder because I have seen more than one counselor.

She refuses to go with me or schedule a mediator in any way.

My career as a teacher, the rest of my relationships with my children, a happy marriage that I established 6 years after my divorce, my relationship with my aging mother, and every other facet of my life tells me that I am not psychologically crippled.

But still, there is so much guilt and confusion. I have no choice but to let go, unless someone can give me something else to work with. The more she knows about me, the more they twist facts to validate their claims, no matter what it is. I can do no right. It's as if I have to leave her behind in order to not cause more damage.

Tom,

Maybe your Mother & Father abused you in life, but what you obviously don't understand is there is a large population of parents out there that were good parents with abusive children. You had abusive parents and I am sorry about that, but sometimes good parents have problemed children who marry partners that were emotionally abused by THEIR parents and they live vicariously through their problemed spouses and their parents. I have a daughter-in-law that is allot like Shamysmoms' daughter. No matter what I do or say she puts a spin on it where I look bad. It's obvious who really has the disorder. Everyone knows she grew up in a very unstable home. My son has some issues and she controls him completely. She works hard to make people think my son feels the way he does on his own without her influence but she is not fooling most. Smart people see right though her.
Yes, your statements are correct. I do think a shift in consciousness can occur for us abused parents. You begin to realize these adult children will never change. They difinitely have a personality disorder that will never bring love and peace into your life. The unconditional LOVE you once had for your child begins to slowly diminish. The big problem is they don't think there is anything wrong with them. They think it's just the parents. I can honestly say that we were not perfect parents, but better than most. I know we have made mistake's, but not the kind of mistakes the daughter-in-law wants my son to think we made.
I always wanted a loving son, but I didn't get one. I guess cutting my loses and letting him go like you say is what we should do. There is one thing I do know. What goes around comes around.
So I'm sending you the best of wishes Tom, because your time is coming.

Shammy'smom:

There is a point where an abuser has made so many mistakes that their victims are unable to forgive them.

If you are telling the truth and are not in denial about your negative behaviors toward your daughter, then you still need to let go. I had to let go of my parents after many attempts to get along. I am no longer interested in reuniting. After trying and trying and seeing that they had not changed, and really do not want to change because they do not believe they have done anything wrong, decided to cut ties, forever. That includes not even going to their funerals, as my shrink advised.

Three psychiatrists diagnosed my parents with severe personality disorders, but they kept going to different psychiatrists until they found one that told them there was nothing wrong with them. That is what they wanted to here so they stay in treatment with him.

There is no desire in me to reunite with them at this point because their abuse is ongoing.

My mother gets along with one of my brother's and she holds this up as a shining example of her goodness as a parent, but the one brother who gets along with her is a user. He takes expensive gifts from her and never gives anything in return. My mother can not see this. He is her golden child, even though he is actually abusive toward her, in many subtle ways.

If your daughter is truly making up lies about you, as my mother did, then you are being abused by her and if you are being abused you need to let go because why would you want to remain in contact with her at all, at this point, if she is abusing you, as described? You would be best served by moving on.

Unfortunately, if you are telling the truth and your daughter is unfairly maligning you, you also need to let go of the thought of seeing your grandchildren. It is not possible for you to cut ties to your daughter and still reconnect in order to see your grandchildren.

I wish you luck in adjusting to your loss. I always wanted a mothering mother, but I did not get one. I had to realize that first before I could let go of her.

If it is any comfort to you, I can tell you that, based on my own experience, there is a time when there is a profound shift in consciousness. At that point a relationship with the abusive person is no longer desired. In fact, reconnecting with them may even cause a profound nausea.

If you get to that point, where the thought of interacting with the abuser makes you feel ill, then you will be able to heal and move on without a need to look back.

I am sending best wishes for you to understand your loss and adjust to it.