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Estranged From My Parents

Hard dealing with Holidays and semi-estranged Dad

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Hard dealing with Holidays and semi-estranged Dad

January 7, 2012
2:30 pm

Helen Marie

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Sorry to hear about your pain, May. I would have no respect for your father either, with all the negative things that he has done. He had an affair, marries the 'woman', they have financial problems, they cheat your mother out of support, then they expect you and your brother to help them out financially, etc. You don't owe them a cent. They created their nightmare – let them solve it.

Your mother may not realize it, but she was fortunate to get rid of him. There are decent people out there, and she deserves to find one. I did, five years after I left my alcoholic abusive husband. Love and support your mother, and let your father and his new wife live their life however they want to – without feeling guilty about distancing yourself from them. Sometimes family can cause us more heartache than anyone else. There comes a time when we must evaluate the situation and think of our own peace and happiness, and if continuing the relationship w/them causes us pain, it's in our best interest to 'let it go' and go on with our lives without them in it. It's a loss, and it's very hard at first, but it does get easier as time goes on.

January 3, 2012
11:35 am

May

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Oh of course it goes back further. That was just the knife in the back at the moment. It goes back to my parents divorce and the fallout from that train wreak.

No we can't hear each other and I have pointed that out to him. He doesn't want to hear me, it messes with his self-image.

My father had an affair with the woman he's married to now. He could have walked away with little fuss but he (and she) decided that they needed to shove their relationship in everyone's face during the divorce, and because they couldn't manage their money, they were forever trying first to cheat my mother out of spousal support and then asking my brother and I (adults at the time) to "help" them

So while I was prepared to see him happy with a new partner, I wasn't prepared to deal with her till he was willing to admit and work with me to repair the damage in our relationship. As for respect for her? There has been nothing to respect. It seems to be mutual

I did offer to go with my father to counselling. That wasn't what he wanted. He wanted everyone to just accept his "new family" and shut up. Since my brother and I were not minors we made it clear that he couldn't impose his rules on us. He had choices.

My brother has cut him off entirely. I still talk to him, I try to maintain the door open or the sake of my son but really, it's getting harder and harder to deal with him.

December 30, 2011
10:34 am

Helen Marie

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I read your post and feel your frustration and hurt. I believe it goes back further than the gift situation – the fact that you don't really 'hear' each other, when you talk to each other is exactly the problem I experienced between my adult daughter and myself. It also sounds like there is hurt and/or anger dealing with his 'wifetress'. Unfortunately, my mother died young and my father remarried within a year, and I never loved her as I loved my mother. This is understandable, but I now realize, as an adult, that my father deserved to find happiness in another mate and move on with his life. I didn't owe her love, but I did owe her respect – which I showed her.

I divorced my abusive husband, and my daughter never liked the man I chose, 5 yrs. later, to share my life with. I dealt with it, until last year, when I realized she had no empathy for anything I went thru in my life, plus she became very disrespectful of him. I offered to go to counseling with her, but she refused; therefore, I deserve to go on with my life – with or without her in it. I would recommend the same to you and your dad. If you can't truly communicate and understand each other's life choices – cut it – it's not worth the hurt and anxiety. That's life. When a relationship causes more hurt, anger and anxiety than love and understanding, it's just not worth it – that includes not only friends, but family members too. We can't change anyone but ourselves – do what works best for you – it's your life – live it to the fullest.

December 29, 2011
8:25 am

May

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Well I have managed to get through another holiday, punctuated by only 2 anxiety attacks brought on by dealing with my father.

I swear I hate the holidays solely because it means we have to do this dance.

This year my father tried to do something nice. And it was a nice thing. He decided that since my child is going to start piano lessons in the spring and we were looking for a keyboard that he would send it to us. I was grateful, this was a nice thing and I told dad so.

I do try to heap praise on him when he makes an effort.

Trouble is that he and the wifetress always have to find a way to make things hard and uncomfortable. This years fun and games included sending the keyboard via cargo to the closest major airport which meant that at the last minute, during Christmas week, we had to find time to drive out there and pick this thing up.

I can deal with that. What is harder to cope with is that he won't listen to me about other gifts. I don't want anything from him. After almost 10 yrs he doesn't know anything about me and honestly when he sends things they are usually something I simply cannot use, or clearly something the wife has chosen.

That makes me uncomfortable and I've told him that. I would rather have nothing. Or a $20 gift card to a book sstore. Instead I get boots that are utterly unlike anything I could wear and him pissed at me for suggesting that I'm not thrilled with them

Anytime I have to talk to him it's a chore. I wish it would stop. I wish he would just listen. I wish this could end

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