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Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
June 12, 2016
5:33 pm
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Inez
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Hi Judith,

   Thanks for saying everything that you said.  I've been wondering my whole life if my parents were really horrible or it was just me.  It's difficult to think of your parents not caring about you and being wrong about so many things.  And your right.  I've been banging my head against a brick wall, trying to get something from people that just can't give it to me for whatever reason.

June 12, 2016
1:45 pm
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Judith
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carolyn said
Thank you Inez and Fred for your understanding and support.  We are here for each other and it makes me feel good if I can help someone. Thankfully I have a big support group of family and friends who are always there for me but at the same time I don't like to wear on them especially when they are not going through it.  I find much joy in volunteering at my local libraries where my service is very much appreciated.  Hopefully my girls will see the light or at least my grandchildren when they are old enough to make their own choices.  Take care and peace to all.

Thank you so much Carolyn for your response a few weeks ago it was so good to have someone - just like you said - offering some caring support - I'm hoping my own sons will one day realise my efforts through my eldest's adopted child - the child's mother sadly was on heroin while carrying her - as I told my son 'she's going to be extremely sensitive - and now at ten years old she's already in therapy and getting very angry which both my son and his wife seemed unprepared for - they just dont understand the child's body despite being adopted around 18 months old -misses the siblings she was separated from - and feels different from other children - and is now focusing on the way she looks in a very negative way - I think she's probably suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome -I'm willing to bet the mother was drinking and drugging -unfortunately our children will turn their resentment on their 'nearest and dearest' when they find life is not a bowl of cherries and the perfect fantasy they were led to believe they deserved!   They at least have better chances to find some recovery - unlike generations from the 60s 70s and 80s had little access to decent therapy and domestic violences refuges.  ((Hug)) x

June 12, 2016
1:35 pm
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Judith
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Inez said
  I stopped talking to my mother in January over an argument about one of my brother's friends.  This person on more than one occasion invaded my privacy while I was in the shower.  He stood outside the window watching me and touching himself.  The first time I told her about this situation she literally said, "He must have liked what he saw."  End of conversation.  I couldn't believe that she'd said that to me, like it just didn't matter.  I over the years had brought up this situation, as always, trying to get the desired response of caring instead of indifference.  This last argument in January I told her that she should have defended me, even if I was an adult, and that she should be offended that someone should do that to anyone especially their own child.  She just said, "No.  He was always nice to me."  The message that I got was that I was like a stranger to her, and she didn't owe me any amount of caring.  I finally after a lifetime of being ignored just shut down.  This isn't the first time that I've gotten the message that my feelings and body don't matter.  I was molested as a child by more than one person.  I told her and my father of one of these situations when I was eight years old.  My mother's response was that i didn't know what i was talking about.  I remember I started crying and I told her that I would never trust her again.  She said she didn't care and left for work.  It was a horrible feeling!  I just went to my bedroom and cried.  I remember a switch went off in my brain towards my parents that day.  I just emotionally separated from them.  I realized I couldn't depend on them to care about me emotionally.  Of course, that didn't stop me from trying and trying anyway.  In the future, as an adult when I've talked about these situations with my parents, it's pretty much been the same kind of responses:  either I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm over-reacting. My parents took care of me the best that they could financially and materially, and I'm grateful for that, but I've reached a point where I just can't deal with the fact that they don't think my feelings or body matter.  The reason I haven't said much about my father is because he and I fell out a while ago, and I don't have as much feelings of guilt.  I think my father is narcissistic.  I'm not a psychologist, so I obviously don't know for sure.  I haven't really talked about this situation with anyone in depth.  I feel like I need to get it out.  I am also dealing with the guilt of the situation, because "you're just not supposed to stop talking to your parents."  It feels right, but what if I'm wrong.  I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive or I am truly in the right for getting rid of people I feel don't love me the way that I need to be loved.

Hi Inez

What your mother said about the shower situation alone is quite disgusting and in itself I suggest repeated the abuse - I really have to question her true morals and sexual conduct - she's a total disgrace

All parents are duty bound to protect and defend the child's safety and in failing to do so I view as condoning and repeating the abuse particularly in one so young as you were - and your mother especially should be totally ashamed of herself - clearly your parents are quite unfit even to have had a child - it is quite understandable that you need to walk away from those who failed to protect and support you growing up - after all if we can't even depend on the first two people we're exposed to from birth - this in turn conditions us to unwittingly be drawn to the same dangerous abusive characters in adulthood - just as I did - giving them another chance and another chance repeatedly - we are literally separated from our own sense of self and reality and truth - you've given these people chances they never deserved to change - clearly they don't want to and have no intention of doing so - it's like you've been bashing your head against a brick wall in effect self harming - it's your turn to get a better safer and more caring future with caring and truthful people  who will respect you and your truth and the pain you've suffered - A type of method called  'Mindfulness' can be helpful preparation to learn about compassion towards self and your inner child - in order to recognise the love and care and validation of our loss - when we learn to acknowledge the truth of what we've been through it helps to open the door to recognising nicer trustworthy people whom  we've long deserved to be with from the start.  x ((Big Hug))   

June 10, 2016
4:24 pm
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carolyn
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Thank you Inez and Fred for your understanding and support.  We are here for each other and it makes me feel good if I can help someone. Thankfully I have a big support group of family and friends who are always there for me but at the same time I don't like to wear on them especially when they are not going through it.  I find much joy in volunteering at my local libraries where my service is very much appreciated.  Hopefully my girls will see the light or at least my grandchildren when they are old enough to make their own choices.  Take care and peace to all.

June 10, 2016
3:38 pm
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Inez
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Hi Carolyn,

   I'm sorry for what you're going through with your daughters.  It sounds like you've had a tough number of years.  I can relate to being a doormat and being depressed!  I've experienced being used and pushed around a lot in my life.  And being around an addict takes a toll on you, especially if you were married that long.  No wonder you've had such a difficult time.  It's unfortunate that your daughters don't understand where you're coming from.  It's difficult when you've got issues to work out and your family doesn't want to stand behind you.  In the meantime, I hope you have other people in your life that you trust and can talk to.  Hopefully, one day your daughters will support you.  And if not, hopefully one day you'll be able to have a relationship with your grandchildren.

    Thanks Carolyn and Fred.  You've both helped me a lot with your words. Most of this has been brewing in my brain with no release for the last couple of months.

June 10, 2016
12:38 pm
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Fred
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Lord, am I glad you said that!  I truly believe that being a true adult is knowing when to throw in the towel.  Take your your new life, your new dreams, and your new healing heart, away from the table. Wipe your chin, and say,  you have had enough!  Enjoy your glorious Friday and weekend!

June 10, 2016
12:32 pm
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carolyn
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Inez, thank you for your reply and kind words.  I am happy to hear that you have a husband who is very supportive of you.  Unfortunately, since I did not deal with my issues before I married I ended up marrying someone who treated me much like my mother.  I was too young and did not realize I was trying to make things right.  My mother when she was alive would even blame me when I had trouble with my husband even though he was a functioning alcoholic.Because of staying in a bad marriage for 38 years until my husband passed away 11years ago, I didn't know I deserved better, both of my girls saw me be a doormat and depressed.  I didn't get stronger until the third time in therapy and by that time they were in college.  Now I am dealing with estrangement from both of them, they are in their 40s, as they are blaming me for their childhood and for me having a nervous breakdown even though my whole life was about taking care of them. Both of them are very successful and have beautiful children which I was a big part of and practically raised my granddaughter.  Having them take away my grandchildren is the most traumatic pain to endure especially when we had a close bond.  It is very sad that both of my girls are now behaving like their father and showing no compassion or emphathy.  I continue to just pray for them that one day they will focus on what is important and that is loving one another, forgiving and learning to be grateful for what is good in our lives.  Sorry for venting but it helps to have a place like this forum where most understand and we aren't judged.  We all have had enough of that. 

I'm sad though Inez that you were not successful in therapy with your mother.  At least you know you tried your best and you are one of those that have every right to not want a relationship with her if she chooses to not validate your feelings.   You do not need to suffer anymore.  Most of the estranged parents on this site have bent over backwards to works out issues with their children only to be rejected over and over.  I continue to love my children but I will not allow them to hurt me anymore.  Never would have thought that I would have to stand up to them at this time of my life.  I pray that they will not suffer one day from their children because they certainly are not setting a good example.  Sorry again for rambling on.  Take good care of yourself

June 10, 2016
12:20 pm
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Inez
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Hi Fred,

   I've already gone the counseling route a number of times with my parents.  At this point, I feel like I need to deal with these issues on my own without their input.  I just end up feeling worse about these issues when my parents get involved.  They are either different from me, emotionally not available for their own reasons, or just simply don't care.  I don't know.  But I know it's time for me to grow up and start taking care of my feelings by myself.  I definately agree with you that I need to be talking to a therapist right now.  And the website is really great.  I've been trying to find something like this for awhile.

June 10, 2016
9:28 am
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Fred
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Good morning Inez:

I agree with you. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to just simply get away.  Oftentimes the pain is so lasting that engaging with the people involved is not productive for your mental clarity and health.  However, if you can (like Carolyn suggested), get your parents to attend counseling sessions with you that may help you to move on.  Call the crisis mental health hotlines in your area. They will be able to give you numbers for affordable county programs. 

Take the time to read some of the posts that are archived on this forum.  We have all been mistreated, and all of us are trying to help other posters, so we can guide ourseleves.

Truthfully, its hard work, but we're hopeful warriors.  Find out how to protect your heart and brain. God will do the rest.

June 10, 2016
9:12 am
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Inez
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Hi Carolyn,

   Thanks for your kind words.  It means a lot since I've been having difficulty most of my life trusting in myself and believing that I can make the right decisions.  This is a time in my life where I'm especially having difficulty with that.  I'm sorry for the pain that you've had to endure as well.  Unfortunately, it seems that parents sometimes just don't know how to adequately take care of their children.  I've been reading a lot of stories about children and adults that have been through their parents carelessness.  It's really sad.  I literally have decided to not have children, because I'm terrified that I'll hurt them in some way.  I have already been in therapy with my mother.  My mother has only ever been full of excuses about everything.  Not only was my mother emotionally cruel but physically abusive as well.  She has never apologized or said she was sorry that I was in pain.  It's just always been about her.  You are right.  My mother isn't going to change at this point.  Thankfully, my husband is very supportive and understanding.  I can talk about these issues with him without him judging me.  I usually don't, though.  I definately have problems opening up and talking about things.  Posting in this forum was difficult for me. lol.

June 10, 2016
7:54 am
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carolyn
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Dear Inez,  my heart goes out to you as I had a similar situation with my mother when I was in my teen years only it involved my brother.  She did not believe me when I went to her and made excuses by saying he was sleepwalking and didn't know what he was doing. It took me four years to work out a plan with my sisters that proved he knew what he was doing.  At that time my sisters went to my mother and my mother's response was "what will it do to his manhood."  My parents did talk to him but unfortunately it was just brushed under the rug and like the elephant in the room.  Therapy was never an option then.  Needless to say, I never had a close relationship with my mother. I am now 70 years old and while you never forget you learn how to not let others define who you are and to take your power back.  It took me many years going into therapy off and on and it took Dr. Coleman to help me realize that it was why I have difficulty trusting my own perceptions and believing that I deserve to protect myself from hurtful people.  That helped me to learn to stand up for myself.  What also helped me was to accept that my mother just did not have the ability or mentality to deal with such issues and I have learned to forgive her to release the hold it had on me.  From what I read from your post your mother sounds very insensitive and that may never change.  If you truly want a relationship with your mother I would suggest you ask her to go to counseling with you, maybe with a pastor since you say money is tight.  She needs to understand how you feel about her words and treatment of you.  You need to have your feelings validated and better it be said with a mediator.  If that is not possible, whatever you do do not feel guilty, you did nothing wrong and did not deserve what happened to you.  Speak kindly to yourself and treat yourself well.  Do not give your power away or let the treatment and behavior of others define who you are.  I also find that mindful meditation helps when I'm having a rough time.  I will pray for you and hope you will find joy and peace.  One question, do you have the support of your husband and is he understanding of your feelings?  My best to you.

June 10, 2016
12:19 am
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Inez
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Hi Fred,

   Thanks for replying.  I've been out of the house for quite some time.  I'm 36 and married.  However, I've had emotional problems most of my life that have made it difficult enough for me not to work.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and social anxiety disorder (though I think I have an extreme avoidant personality disorder).  I've been through therapy on and off since I was thirteen years old, but am unfortunately not in therapy now, because of financial issues.  I've dealt with these issues in therapy, but I constantly get knocked down by my parents when they do/say something and I realize once again that I just can't trust them.  I feel like I need to physically distance myself now.  I've felt no feelings of grief, because there's not much of an emotional connection with either of them.

June 9, 2016
11:12 pm
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Fred
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Hello Inez:

That sure is a sad story about parents. How old are you?   Is it time for you to leave home?  Is it time for you to have a job?  Are you getting therapy?  You have a plethora of emotional trangressions that need to be addressed, if youre ready.  It sounds like you are ready to "fix" you. Your cognitive reasoning is sound, and critical. Use that intelligence to seek help for your well being, if you are old enough to do so.  Crying has always helped me because the  symbolic tears served as a real "medicinal cleansing'. Take baby steps, it will get better for you. Pray and let God guide you to better days ahead.

June 9, 2016
9:30 pm
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Inez
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  I stopped talking to my mother in January over an argument about one of my brother's friends.  This person on more than one occasion invaded my privacy while I was in the shower.  He stood outside the window watching me and touching himself.  The first time I told her about this situation she literally said, "He must have liked what he saw."  End of conversation.  I couldn't believe that she'd said that to me, like it just didn't matter.  I over the years had brought up this situation, as always, trying to get the desired response of caring instead of indifference.  This last argument in January I told her that she should have defended me, even if I was an adult, and that she should be offended that someone should do that to anyone especially their own child.  She just said, "No.  He was always nice to me."  The message that I got was that I was like a stranger to her, and she didn't owe me any amount of caring.  I finally after a lifetime of being ignored just shut down.  This isn't the first time that I've gotten the message that my feelings and body don't matter.  I was molested as a child by more than one person.  I told her and my father of one of these situations when I was eight years old.  My mother's response was that i didn't know what i was talking about.  I remember I started crying and I told her that I would never trust her again.  She said she didn't care and left for work.  It was a horrible feeling!  I just went to my bedroom and cried.  I remember a switch went off in my brain towards my parents that day.  I just emotionally separated from them.  I realized I couldn't depend on them to care about me emotionally.  Of course, that didn't stop me from trying and trying anyway.  In the future, as an adult when I've talked about these situations with my parents, it's pretty much been the same kind of responses:  either I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm over-reacting. My parents took care of me the best that they could financially and materially, and I'm grateful for that, but I've reached a point where I just can't deal with the fact that they don't think my feelings or body matter.  The reason I haven't said much about my father is because he and I fell out a while ago, and I don't have as much feelings of guilt.  I think my father is narcissistic.  I'm not a psychologist, so I obviously don't know for sure.  I haven't really talked about this situation with anyone in depth.  I feel like I need to get it out.  I am also dealing with the guilt of the situation, because "you're just not supposed to stop talking to your parents."  It feels right, but what if I'm wrong.  I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive or I am truly in the right for getting rid of people I feel don't love me the way that I need to be loved.

May 19, 2016
11:55 am
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onestepatatime
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Laurie, Your parents sound like narcissists and very toxic. The negative comments and constant criticism are the clues. They make it all about themselves, it sounds. The criticism is a means of control and manipulation. They want you to be what they want you to be, so that you serve them in whatever role they demand of you. The blackmail and telling you you are dead to them if you do ---, really show they don't love you as you deserve to be loved. I found Life Code by Dr Phil very helpful and also the forum called "raised by narcissists" on reddit. I think what we have to do is realize that our parents' behavior is not a reflection on us, we did not cause it nor can we cure it. Also, it is not personal to us, they'd be saying the same ugly, critical, manipulative words to any other child if you weren't their child and someone else was. It is not about you. You did nothing wrong. They have a personality disorder or mental illness.

May 18, 2016
5:28 pm
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Laurie kidwell
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I don't know where to start. I always had a strange relationship with both parents. My father was emotionally unavailable to my mother and I became a serrogate spouse for my mother as a teenager. That became a real problem when I left home and then eventually got married. My mother acted like a jealous ex spouse. When I joined the military my parents were extremely against it and sabotaged my effort by contacting my references and asking them not to be a reference. In the beginning they asked my husband and I to move back in while I went to basic training and then when it was clear we were following through with it, kicked us out. We stayed with my  elderly grandmother (who was supportive) for two weeks until my mother threatened to stop providing her assistance. My husband was basically homeless and I got on the plane with a voice mail stating " if you get on that plane you are dead to me". I cried and then got on the plane for the hardest few months of my life. But in hindsight 10 years in the service and I never regretted the decision.

My father is both narcissistic and has antiquated views of women's roles that I do not share. He has made comments that he has no respect for my husband for allowing me to make certain choices he was against. When our son was diagnosed with autism and my husband stayed home to facilitate treatment we were criticized and belittled by my parents. We were never good enough. I talked to my father about getting my doctorate and he stated that I would not be able to compete because I did not have experience working with intelligent accomplished people. At the time I worked alongside doctors with prestigious educational and work backgrounds and I could not understand where the comment came from other than a previous statement that only people who could not make it in college or the real world joined the military.

My mother would often criticize and belittle decisions acting as if I needed their approval. Then when I would get angry she would act that I was being petty or imagining her slights. For instance, when I stated several people thought I should apply for a director position, she stated I could not handle that position or the stress. I did not plan on applying but was flattered that people thought of me and wanted to share. This is an example of common subtle put downs. 

So after years of this and more I began feeling cycles of anger and resentment towards my parents triggered by each slight. I would also feel self doubt and wonder if my husband and I were the problem. About a year and a half ago I decided to go no contact. I wanted my kids to still have the opportunity to speak and visit as long as it remained non toxic. Recently I have noticed their treatment of the kids has begun to exhibit similar traits and we began to make boundaries. 

After the period of no contact we had one last blowout last week where my father told me that my mother was dying (not to reconcile but as a weapon) and permanently cut us and the kids off. I was left feeling hurt, guilty, and angry. I realized then nothing would change and I need to move forward and heal. 

April 18, 2016
2:19 pm
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Judith
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freemybrain said
My opinion on the 'estranged ' issue to Dr Coleman 

Whit all my respect Dr Coleman,

Please let me state my opinion on this subject. Why not try get people set those (according to me sane and healthy) basics of parenthood already from scratch...?

I will see it as a true blessing never ever counted on, if my kids will like to hang out with me even the least as adults. I have always figured I am obliged to have to earn that lovely blessing and will never ever count on it.

I'll of course, as we all would, feel deep grief if I mess up. But if, I will promise to spend all time and money to take a deep look into my own inner flaws instead and work on them eager to become the adult parent they would like to have in their lives. Not focusing on what's wrong with them. There's wishes of how an adult parent shall be like, are my rule. Will always be. Within the frames of higher legality. I love my precious no narc kids dearly:)! Their genuine souls and inner wills are sanctuared for me. That's my parental rule of thumb! One will always have an obligation to stay being foremost a responsible mature unconditionally living parent to ones children. No difference just cause the kid turn adult. I answered Yes in eternal, to that role in my relation to my kids, as fast as they got out into this world, ever since. 

And I heard you talk about a culture raising narcissistic children. Here is my view on that in the perspective of parents estranged from their adult children.

I as a cert. and experienced child psychologist have understood narcissistic children with no narcissistic parents as such.  Them adult children would rarely rarely wish for No contact. No imo rather the very oposite, they would really strive to optimize their adult relations with their parents to be as tight and frequent as needed to achieve optimal narcissistic supply from their parents.  Narcs can't deal well with the oposite imo, the immense pain and deep existential grief it is to cut off a parent. Sorry Mr Coleman. All respect but that is my informed opinion. Thanx Mr for letting me vent it with you.  

Yes I wanted to free my  children despite the pain it caused me having no other family around - I worked hard on  myself to try and change any dysfunctional habits learned through receiving similar growing up - I did need to separate myself at times when the intense pain became intollerable on anniversaries of extreme cruelty such as my mother dumping me one Xmas - I was called to the head's study to be told ' Your mother's just rung to say she can't have you this xmas you'll have to stay here -   two of the worst  abusers you really couldn't imagine  - running their supposed 'school' for children conveniently labelled 'maladjusted'  Me and one other younger girl were sleeping in the 8 bedded dormitory - cold green linoleum, flimsy thin curtains and a lu kewarm radiator - under a massive bay window with draughty leaded panes looking out on a vastly snowing scene There was no escape  This ruined all subsequent Xmases forever after. 

Then again during summer holidays in the August being my birthday me and the other poor equally neglected bastards were due to see the first James Bond movie for my birthday treat - I came downstairs after putting on my makeup - Doctor Hilda Bullen psych saw my lipstick and instantly homed in for the kill - shrieking that I looked like a tart not surprisingly my hysterical terror was just what she wanted - sending me back up to the dormitory - I never forget the sound of footsteps of the others crunching up that long gravel drive on their way to see the film on my birthday treat without me - Those two incidents have coloured two of the most important anniversaries throughout my life! 

The truth being both parents/ guardians and whoever else were the problem -  just like  teachers and both Heads were all as mad as hatters It took decades before I got to speak to an ex employee who suddenly enlightened me 'You do realise that both Dr Bullen and Trixie were closets!  The penny dropped with a resounding crash  - I could never understand why I was always being targeted for preferring the boys - I presume my lipstick signalled danger to Bullen and rage and who needed to punish me for daring to be normal.  How sick is that!  No wonder I got married to a seriously repressed. 

April 18, 2016
12:56 pm
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Judith
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carolyn said
Judith, I just finished reading your story and really do feel for you and the travesties you have been through.  I am sure it was very therapeutic for you to vent and put it on paper.  You seem highly intelligent and well versed.  Have you thought about publishing your story or writing a book?  Your story of how you persevered could bring hope to others.  Learning that I was worth standing up for and not letting others define me took over twenty years to learn and actually do but it is always a work in progress.  May you have peace and happiness in your life.  You deserve it.

Carolyn thank you so much for those kind and comforting words - As a matter of fact I've been writing my life story for a few years now - the Moroccan I naively befriended and tried to help when he begged for assistance being on his 'last appeal' to remain in the UK - my prime reason being he'd almost immediately told me when we met that he'd been sexually abused by an older boy in his own village - This of course 'got me'  I knew if he was sent back that there'd be no hope of his getting any therapy because male abuse on male is taboo out there - anyhow he soon got the better of me being an addict - he began demanding a massive sum of money saying if he was sent back he'd have no home and his family wouldn't want him with no business to support himself - before I knew it he was blaming me and calling me racist and his unpredictable behaviour put me into shock e.g. screaming in the car threats to pull the wheel over and take us both to hell on the M25 - he did the same again just an hour away from his forceful demands to marry despite my saying it was 'too late' I'd walked out of the first attempt in tears - he'd got under my skin using charm and manipulation - besides which my mother had died and I was in shock over that having no idea where she was since 1995 nor had her number since I was eighteen - anyway Ismail got his way second time round by yelling in my face in the pouring rain that he would pull the wheel over again we were just an hour away from this appointment at the Registry Office that he set up again via his mobile - I wasn't intending to keep it but take him to the drug and alcohol drop in appointment instead -  I was so scared for my life that I capitulated - that same night which seemed totally unreal and nothing like a 'wedding' he then started on me again - smacking a mug down on the diningroom table denting it - sweeping a tray of food right off the table egg yolk all up the curtains and my mother's portrait in her WRNS uniform (during WWII)  then while demanding this massive sum he went upstairs knowing that my life story was the most valuable thing in the house brought the manuscript down in a Marks & Spencer carrier bag then lay on the sofa saying if he didn't get the money he set fire to it and himself out in the garden ! I was now traumatised by this threat though never showed it - just sat at the diningroom table not moving a muscle - I had to then coax him up to bed then wait till he slept and come back down swap the manuscript with something that looked like it and hid it out in the garage in a binliner - waited up all night till the bank opened and rang to say I was coming in with him and wanted him arrested for blackmail.  I also rang the Police who said they wanted to ring me back but I told them not to in case he heard - he'd bought an axe and a mattock supposedly to cut down my unwanted magnolia tree bought for a 7th wedding anniversary (father of my children) I preferred not to remember!  The police arrested him in the bank but during my statement suggested I'd said it was blackmail to get him out the house - based on past prejudice after reporting one of their lot when through the party wall I overheard the sound of a blow during domestic strife -the toddler's sobs convinced me she'd been hit. I did was right and I'd do it again because I know I'd never have tolerated violence in adulthood for more than a day but I was conditioned to do so by parents hitting. Now I know better but it's one thing knowing it intellectually but physically is quite a different matter when one longs to love and be loved Thanks again so much -Take care  (((Hugs)))

April 18, 2016
11:00 am
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Judith
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Judith said

Bob said
my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

Sadly Bob there are some people who become parents but are far too immature to manage it and unfortunately the statistics tell us that a child who finds themselves with a step parent is far more at risk of abuse than the natural parent - it was completely unacceptable of any parent to just stand there and fail to save their child from a step parent's shocking violence  that you've been put through - Unfortunately it may be that while a Judge can suggest that down the line you'll regret not speaking to your father - but he needs to come up with apologies and explanations for taking that woman's side against his own child - It sounds to me like he was jealous of your relationship with your natural mother - sounds like he is extremely immature and incapable of being the kind of loving gentle and protective  father all children deserve and need in this difficult world we live in - It's your father's responsibility to mend the relationship between you with abject apologies and not the other way round - He is the one who should've been there for you from day one and not created a living hell and dysfunctional home life - Your mother deserves a medal for trying so hard but sounds like your father made it impossible - as for putting a 'for sale' notice on the tepee your mother made for you - that is totally despicable just shows how immature and incapable he was - in short he sounds like an overgrown school kid who has never learned some compassion and humanity - your dad was not a proper father to you - not at all and it's not right that you should be holding on to misplaced guilt here - you deserved so much more than that - we need to learn to love ourselves no matter what - and when we are born into this world as innocent little beings we depend on the parent to protect and love us - how is it in the animal world most mothers of the young automatically love and protect - We never asked to be born into this difficult world and we all deserve love, protection and to be given the BEST example of how to love and know that we're loved - Your anger is justified your trust was totally betrayed and your stepmother should've been arrested for child abuse and your father for aiding and abetting.  As parents we are duty bound to protect defenceless children - the fact that I was never protected gave me the message that I wasn't worth it which in turn pushed me into similar adult relationships where I accepted violence wrongly believing it was all part of a so-called 'loving relationship'  Neither Physically or Mentally hurting your supposed 'nearest and dearest'  has got NOTHING to do a 'True, Healthy Loving Relationship - None at All  - you've been given ALL the wrong messages by adults who have treated you VERY badly If you father can't give his sincere apologies and raise his game and condemn the violence of that woman he's with then he needs treatment - whether it's alcohol, or drugs or merely a mental disorder you'll be fighting a losing battle unless these people get treatment.  Take care of yourself Bob you DESERVE the BEST after all of that - It's possible you've developed Post Traumatic Stress - I was determined my own sons would get a better childhood than I ever had and I wanted them to know that they were loved - Find kinder and more gentle friends to be with -Learning Mindfulness meditation can be a helpful tool and of course a good therapist - learn to respect yourself and your own safety and peace of mind - There are many 12 Step support groups around ACA (Adult Child of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional families - Co-Da that teaches us to learn to lov

Bob said
my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

e and respect oneself - Al-anon - Al-Ateen (for children/teenagers from dysfunctiona families  AA You will find many like yourself in those meetings - (((Hugs)))  

Hi Bob part of my message may have got cut off from my first one - the rest of it was 'Love and respect oneself -Al-anon or Alateen (for teenagers from alcoholic or dysfunctional families -Co-Da and of course AA - You will find many like yourself in those meetings (((Hugs)))

April 18, 2016
10:53 am
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Judith
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Bob said
my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

Sadly Bob there are some people who become parents but are far too immature to manage it and unfortunately the statistics tell us that a child who finds themselves with a step parent is far more at risk of abuse than the natural parent - it was completely unacceptable of any parent to just stand there and fail to save their child from a step parent's shocking violence  that you've been put through - Unfortunately it may be that while a Judge can suggest that down the line you'll regret not speaking to your father - but he needs to come up with apologies and explanations for taking that woman's side against his own child - It sounds to me like he was jealous of your relationship with your natural mother - sounds like he is extremely immature and incapable of being the kind of loving gentle and protective  father all children deserve and need in this difficult world we live in - It's your father's responsibility to mend the relationship between you with abject apologies and not the other way round - He is the one who should've been there for you from day one and not created a living hell and dysfunctional home life - Your mother deserves a medal for trying so hard but sounds like your father made it impossible - as for putting a 'for sale' notice on the tepee your mother made for you - that is totally despicable just shows how immature and incapable he was - in short he sounds like an overgrown school kid who has never learned some compassion and humanity - your dad was not a proper father to you - not at all and it's not right that you should be holding on to misplaced guilt here - you deserved so much more than that - we need to learn to love ourselves no matter what - and when we are born into this world as innocent little beings we depend on the parent to protect and love us - how is it in the animal world most mothers of the young automatically love and protect - We never asked to be born into this difficult world and we all deserve love, protection and to be given the BEST example of how to love and know that we're loved - Your anger is justified your trust was totally betrayed and your stepmother should've been arrested for child abuse and your father for aiding and abetting.  As parents we are duty bound to protect defenceless children - the fact that I was never protected gave me the message that I wasn't worth it which in turn pushed me into similar adult relationships where I accepted violence wrongly believing it was all part of a so-called 'loving relationship'  Neither Physically or Mentally hurting your supposed 'nearest and dearest'  has got NOTHING to do a 'True, Healthy Loving Relationship - None at All  - you've been given ALL the wrong messages by adults who have treated you VERY badly If you father can't give his sincere apologies and raise his game and condemn the violence of that woman he's with then he needs treatment - whether it's alcohol, or drugs or merely a mental disorder you'll be fighting a losing battle unless these people get treatment.  Take care of yourself Bob you DESERVE the BEST after all of that - It's possible you've developed Post Traumatic Stress - I was determined my own sons would get a better childhood than I ever had and I wanted them to know that they were loved - Find kinder and more gentle friends to be with -Learning Mindfulness meditation can be a helpful tool and of course a good therapist - learn to respect yourself and your own safety and peace of mind - There are many 12 Step support groups around ACA (Adult Child of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional families - Co-Da that teaches us to learn to lov

Bob said
my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

e and respect oneself - Al-anon - Al-Ateen (for children/teenagers from dysfunctiona families  AA You will find many like yourself in those meetings - (((Hugs)))  

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