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Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
December 14, 2014
8:37 pm
guest
Guest

CG said

Liz, I want you to know that it helped me a little to read about you and your family.  Thank you for sharing.

My family has ostracized me, and I am still grieving over it. One of the things that spoke to me in your post was your commitment to your education.  I had a similar commitment, and to this day I think it made me the "other", the weird, but also the privileged. I can't help it if my sisters chose not to educate themselves, just like I can't do anything about the fact that I am the oldest and un-prettiest of the 3 siblings. 

I have never been physically homeless but I am definitely psychologically homeless.  I can't imagine anything I could have done to prepare myself for the way I feel.  I am sorry about your illness. If I could wish it away, I would!

CG

liz said
Well it's good to know I'm not alone. My dad disowned myself and his family for my step mother while I was in college. My mom has been lazy, self centered, and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. I tried so hard to get them to see the errors of their ways. Never worked. Finally at 30 I finished grad school and moved to NYC to take a job. It was 2010 and times were tough, but I knew I needed experience. I arrived with nothing but a job offer and suitcase. My ex's family (bf at the time) took me in so I wasn't homeless. His mom helped me buy work clothes and I helped her watch his little brothers. There was little space, but there was a lot of love. His dad never hit his mom to make her obey. When I asked about it once, his dad laughed and jokingly said she'd deck him before he ever had the chance. They tried to talk to my mom to get some sense into her. Never worked. My ex's mom was the one to make the downpayment on my first apartment. She bought me my first suit. When I tried to pay her back, she refused my money and told me to reinvest in my career with it.

I never forgot their kindness. Throughout this time my mom continually called to ask for money and complain that I expected her to work until she died (she drained both my college savings and retirement account while I was a teenager as well as taking out credit cards in my name and destroying my credit) . When I returned her calls less and less, she had her friend call me to leave leave threatening messages about what a terrible person I was for not taking her in (I told her point blank I could barely make rent, if she could pull my roommate's share of 900/mo then she was welcome to move in, she of course went into a tirade in response...it's not my fault she never saved for retirement). Then, last December things peaked when I found out I had a tumor that required surgery and a family member to check me in and out of the hospital. I called her sobbing, scared of what would happen and scared to ask for time off. In response, she was silent for a few moments, then asked, so does this mean I can't borrow any money?

 

....

It was at that point that I ended communication. To this day I still receive passive aggressive letters and voice mails from her. She refused to listen to doctors, has become feeble, and is now out on disability and lives in a nursing home. There just comes a point that you realize that you can never make them happy. You have a right to a normal life. Children are not commodities. I am now an assistant professor at a state university. I took out loans and worked, but I put my self through school. I have a right to a career, a safe home, and my own family. Things will never be easy, but I made it.

 

You reap what you sow, mom.

 

 

CG said

Liz, I want you to know that it helped me a little to read about you and your family.  Thank you for sharing.

My family has ostracized me, and I am still grieving over it. One of the things that spoke to me in your post was your commitment to your education.  I had a similar commitment, and to this day I think it made me the "other", the weird, but also the privileged. I can't help it if my sisters chose not to educate themselves, just like I can't do anything about the fact that I am the oldest and un-prettiest of the 3 siblings. 

I have never been physically homeless but I am definitely psychologically homeless.  I can't imagine anything I could have done to prepare myself for the way I feel.  I am sorry about your illness. If I could wish it away, I would!

CG

liz said
Well it's good to know I'm not alone. My dad disowned myself and his family for my step mother while I was in college. My mom has been lazy, self centered, and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. I tried so hard to get them to see the errors of their ways. Never worked. Finally at 30 I finished grad school and moved to NYC to take a job. It was 2010 and times were tough, but I knew I needed experience. I arrived with nothing but a job offer and suitcase. My ex's family (bf at the time) took me in so I wasn't homeless. His mom helped me buy work clothes and I helped her watch his little brothers. There was little space, but there was a lot of love. His dad never hit his mom to make her obey. When I asked about it once, his dad laughed and jokingly said she'd deck him before he ever had the chance. They tried to talk to my mom to get some sense into her. Never worked. My ex's mom was the one to make the downpayment on my first apartment. She bought me my first suit. When I tried to pay her back, she refused my money and told me to reinvest in my career with it.

I never forgot their kindness. Throughout this time my mom continually called to ask for money and complain that I expected her to work until she died (she drained both my college savings and retirement account while I was a teenager as well as taking out credit cards in my name and destroying my credit) . When I returned her calls less and less, she had her friend call me to leave leave threatening messages about what a terrible person I was for not taking her in (I told her point blank I could barely make rent, if she could pull my roommate's share of 900/mo then she was welcome to move in, she of course went into a tirade in response...it's not my fault she never saved for retirement). Then, last December things peaked when I found out I had a tumor that required surgery and a family member to check me in and out of the hospital. I called her sobbing, scared of what would happen and scared to ask for time off. In response, she was silent for a few moments, then asked, so does this mean I can't borrow any money?

 

....

It was at that point that I ended communication. To this day I still receive passive aggressive letters and voice mails from her. She refused to listen to doctors, has become feeble, and is now out on disability and lives in a nursing home. There just comes a point that you realize that you can never make them happy. You have a right to a normal life. Children are not commodities. I am now an assistant professor at a state university. I took out loans and worked, but I put my self through school. I have a right to a career, a safe home, and my own family. Things will never be easy, but I made it.

 

You reap what you sow, mom.

 

 

December 5, 2014
7:12 pm
Brenda
Guest

Eric said
I've been estranged from both my mother and father for the majority of my adult life (I'm 48yo), aside from an occassional attempt to mend things which always ends in disaster. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive with a few episodes of physical abuse that resulted in either police or a visit to the emergency room.  No one ever stepped in.  My mom stayed with him until I joined the military and left at the age of 18.  She would always refuse to call the police when he'd get out of control.

He has skipped every major event in my life.  Didn't attend my wedding, never around for my children's lives (one is a college grad, the other is in college).  I've been in the military for the past 27 years, and he's never been there for any of my deployments.  He stays away.

My mom remarried 10 years ago, and is involved with all her stepchildren, but ignores me, and my children. No attempt was made to merge us into her new family.

So here we are, in another family holiday season.  This shouldn't be anything new for me anymore, but it cuts me to the core every year.  Why????  Why do I let this bother me after all these years???

Why are there all these sites for support groups for parents who's adult children have estranged them....but not for adult children who's parents have alienated them? I've even been told my aunts and uncles that my connection to the family is through my mother, and we can't be included until my mother wants to.

I often wonder why I chose to marry and have children of my own, and my family has turned out to be such a knife in my back.

HELP...I'm looking for support and understanding...I feel so alone.

I have been estranged from my parents since my daughter was 9, she is now 31.  Prior to that I had left home, as well as my four siblings, before reaching the age of adulthood.  Much abuse in the family and denial by my mother left us with little choice.  Because I was the "spokes person" for the five of us I was the "guilty" one.

I have learned to move on. My father has passed but my mother lives within two miles of me, my three sisters are close by as well but somewhere along the line I became the outcast.  It used to bother me but seeing how dysfunctional they all are I have found it easier to move forward with my life. 

In my family I know a lot of the issue is ego and the other control.  I have been open and honest with my children and now grandchildren regarding the family breakup.

I think it gets better when you decide that what you are doing, or what others are doing to you is alright in the sense that you will make it in spite of the reasons there is estrangement.

I think of my mother often but no longer dwell on what happened, who is in the right and whether or not amends could/will ever be made.  I respect her and my siblings enough to not allow the past interfere with my present or future.

I pray for their peace daily, in doing so I think I have been given peace as well.

All my best.

December 1, 2014
5:10 pm
Eric
Guest

I've been estranged from both my mother and father for the majority of my adult life (I'm 48yo), aside from an occassional attempt to mend things which always ends in disaster. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive with a few episodes of physical abuse that resulted in either police or a visit to the emergency room.  No one ever stepped in.  My mom stayed with him until I joined the military and left at the age of 18.  She would always refuse to call the police when he'd get out of control.

He has skipped every major event in my life.  Didn't attend my wedding, never around for my children's lives (one is a college grad, the other is in college).  I've been in the military for the past 27 years, and he's never been there for any of my deployments.  He stays away.

My mom remarried 10 years ago, and is involved with all her stepchildren, but ignores me, and my children. No attempt was made to merge us into her new family.

So here we are, in another family holiday season.  This shouldn't be anything new for me anymore, but it cuts me to the core every year.  Why????  Why do I let this bother me after all these years???

Why are there all these sites for support groups for parents who's adult children have estranged them....but not for adult children who's parents have alienated them? I've even been told my aunts and uncles that my connection to the family is through my mother, and we can't be included until my mother wants to.

I often wonder why I chose to marry and have children of my own, and my family has turned out to be such a knife in my back.

HELP...I'm looking for support and understanding...I feel so alone.

November 21, 2014
8:54 am
Timothy
Guest

My parents were abusive - physically, emotionally and verbally.  I haven't seen either of them for almost thirty years, although I recently began an email correspondence with my father; this after he reached out to me because of my blog: http://SilenceShattered.wordpress.com  

My parents have never met my children, now young adults - our estrangement has been total and complete.  

Dysfunctional, abusive families lead to estrangement.  It isn't about misunderstanding, or a rift.  Estrangement, lasting estrangement, is about a relationship that was never what it should have been to begin with.  

 

Tim

November 9, 2014
9:58 am
inburbs
Guest

I am in my late 20s, have a child and a wife, I havent spoken to my bio family since I left home years ago. The only exception to this is every few months my brother sends me an email we chat for a bit and he inevitably asks me to call home and says everyone is sorry.

The disconnect is total. They dont even know they have a granddaughter. I have invited them to no events at all and when they sent me an invitation to something I threw it out. With the exception of my wife I have told everyone I know nothing about it. When I get asked I tend to lie and say my whole family moved abroad or that I grew up in foster care. Only my wife knows the truth, which is easy because she is estranged from her father.

My mother is mentally ill bipolar and hard to deal with even on her good days. My father is a good man but who never listened to me about anything. Not a day goes by that I cant think of something they did that to me that has sucked my happiness out of my life.

I am not sure what I want, well I am sure what I want just cant have it. I want a normal family I can speak with not the people I have been saddled with.

October 18, 2014
11:22 am
Miss Elle
Guest

    I have been estranged from my entire family for years. My father more than 14 years my mother for 8 years....my siblings even my own children for a number of years. There is nothing easy about it and i keep my distance to protect myself from them. I am a transgender female and they do not accept me. My father has always been a very distant person and no real heartfelt relationship ever existed between him and ...anyone. My mother was a dichotomy, happy and pleasant yet judgemental and harsh. She faked acceptance of my transition but her extreme disapproval boiled just under the surface.

      I've struggled with my emotions and i know staying away shields me from those harsh experiences and yet i do miss having a family that i am related to by blood. I have a substitute family which consists of close friends and an entire sisterhood of support and i am thankful for it, yet it does not fill all the empty spaces. Holidays are the worst and i often retreat and do not celebrate. I've been in therapy for years and yes i've learned coping skills but it always feels like window dressing for an unresolved issue. I've had the conversation with myself about maybe i should go back and "try" one more time....but i am unwilling to expose myself to the possibility of being emotionally cut yet again and feeling the rejection, the disapproval, the frowning looks and seeing that i am just plain ignored, as if i'm not even in the room standing in front of them.

      Yes, i am the estranged party but i am not the "bad girl" here. I protect myself but the cost is enormous. Be who they want me to be and deny myself who i am....or live free as my authentic self and stay away from my familial roots. They say no one can be an island...and yet, here i am.

 

     Miss Elle

September 20, 2014
12:15 pm
Therese
Guest

Enrique said
I am in such pain.  My mother has behaved badly towards my wife.  I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I am in such terrible pain...

Call your mother.  Never assume anyone, not even a parent, is a mind reader.  When you cut off contact, she probably became depressed and believes you stopped caring anything for her.  

Maybe your wife isn't completely innocent in this, some times things are said and done that are interpreted a certain way -- more hurt can be sent than was meant.

August 22, 2014
9:59 pm
Sarah
Guest

Chandra said
My mother was negligent with food, hygiene, medical care, and daily care as well as emotionally and psychologically abusive. She played "games" with lit cigarettes which involved making me hold still while she held the lit cigarette closer and closer to my skin until I flinched or she burned me. She frequently made me stay in my room not let me out, as well as stripping my clothing off and laying on my to "spank" me - this until I was a young teen. She was abusive in other ways, which I won't go into here.

As an adult, she brow-beat me, mocked me, taunted me, physically abused me - grabbing my arm, shoving me, grabbing my face and digging her nails into my skin. She would rage at me, even in front of my children. She monopolized every visit and conversation, and expected hours per day, many days per week, of this type of "attention".

She frequently created big Drama Events through out my life - often when she lost a job, or was having boyfriend problems, and would confront me with a laundry list of things I wasn't doing for her. (My dad died when I was a child. She had boyfriends and several husbands after that.) She'd shout and call me names - often in front of my husband and children. She'd humiliate me until I apologized for anything and everything, sobbing and crying. Then she'd punish me by not speaking me for weeks, until I called and begged her to talk to me again. Only then would she graciously take me back, but I had to act properly humiliated toward her from then on. 

We all just figured "that's the way she was". She had told me how vastly superior she was. How she was superior to other people, other women, other mothers, other families. She told me she "lived for" her children and grandchildren. So, even though the facts didn't match the lie, I believed her. I excused every one of her behaviors, and came to believe I asked for it. I deserved it. She had told me so many times how I asked for it.

One year, when my children were teens and in college, I asked if I could have a holiday dinner at my house. She was so angry at this (all the holidays were at her house) that she grounded us from that holiday AND the next, and would not let us attend a family holiday until I was prepared to do it her way and never ask to have it my way again.

She told so many lies, and expected me to back her up. I did this for years until reading about Personality Disorders 3 years ago.

It was like a lightbulb going on. It explained everything. I read about the Borderline Mother and was stunned at the description of the Witch Mother. I asked my (now) adult children and also my husband to read the description. They all had seen my mother's behavior over the years, and were stunned at how "textbook" her behavior had been.

With the help of a support group, I tried one boundary with my mother. I told her I couldn't do what she asked right now, but could visit her later in the week, on a day that was good for everyone. She flipped out and said she would not have a relationship like that with me. She said she was THE MOTHER and didn't have to make appointments with the likes of ME. She said she would not have a relationship with me unless I was on the same page with her and give her "the attention and treatment" she "deserved and had come to expect" from me, and she never spoke to me again. 

I admit, I did nothing. I didn't try to contact her. I didn't want to, frankly. I was tired of the abuse. I already felt like I had never truly had a mother, so I didn't feel like I was losing anything. All I was losing was the abuse, and it was such a relief to stop the abuse. 

That was almost three years ago, and my mother hasn't tried to contact me in any way. So, I imagine she doesn't really want a relationship with me, either. I assume she never did, not unless it was a relationship completely under her control and I was willing to be the scapegoat/doormat. I'm not willing to do that anymore. 

So... that's why I'm an adult who is estranged from her mother. 

Chandra,

I am so sorry to hear about the extreme emotional, physical, and sexual abuse you suffered. (Spanking you the way she did is sexually abusive-- she was using nudity to humiliate and break you). 

I hope that you have found peace and never go back to having contact with your mom. There never was a relationship and there never will be because your mom is NOT CAPABLE of having a relationship.

My blessings to you,

Sarah

August 22, 2014
9:52 pm
Sarah
Guest

arnie said

My parents were very abusive, they physically , mentally , verbally abused me everyday. Everyday going back home from school was a walk into the unknown, did not know what would I go home too, will I be beaten to a pulp again today ? Also my parents favored my younger sister over me.. she was a good student used to top her class , I did not do bad was always in the top 5 of my class.. they would set an example of my sister to me , she stands first in class , you cant, they would go to her annual day celebrations at school, they never went to my annual day celebrations

......

The torment continues till this day .. and now I have decided that enough is enough and have cut off all contacts with my sister and my parents... Tomorrow is my birthday.. July 9th, but I have never celebrated my birthday .. part of the reason was my mom used to tell me that " you should never have been born" .

Those paragraphs were all I needed to know that your parents are TOXIC and abusive. The diagnosis I vote for is narcissist dad and borderline mom. There is NO working it out with personality disorders and the best thing you can do is RUN. FAR. AWAY. QUICKLY.

My greatest wish for you is that you find a group of genuinely supportive friends and/or also a wife who is extremely kind and who loves you without conditions. 

Also, please be aware that because of your past you must guard against falling into abusive or exploitative relationships. When we have a traumatic past, things that most would consider unacceptable seem 'normal' to us. (Me included).

Finally, I recommend that you see a skilled therapist who is able to help you work through family of origin issues.

 

Namaste,

 

Sarah

August 16, 2014
10:22 am
carolyn
Guest

Elizabeth, I am sorry to hear of your pain from the unkind words of your parents and your attempts to make things right.  Your parents silence may be that they are unsure of how to respond since their apologies have not been accepted in the past.  You say how it makes you sad when you see an elderly man so it shows that in your heart you still yearn to be with him.  Forgiveness is more for your benefit so you can let go of the control their words have over you.  You are giving power to their words rather than you being in control.  Since they are in their 80's I would give them a break and try your best to just enjoy them while they are still here.  If there are words spoken that hurt you, that is the time to lovingly bring it to their attention.  They have been doing it so long that they may not even be aware of it anymore and as you age it can be related to other issues.  Once they are gone you may suffer even more knowing that you just didn't give them one more chance.  When it all comes down to it, isn't it just about loving one another and having compassion and understanding.  May you have peace and I hope the best for you.

August 14, 2014
6:29 pm
Elizabeth
Guest

My mother was always the source of all the turmoil in our family. She is a very controlling and manipulative woman, playing all sorts of head games in order to control everyone. I didn't catch onto the psychological games until well into my 40's. I started noticing the patterns of denigrating comments, the little digs. It took me a long time to realize that I hated spending time with my parents because of their baiting games. My father is a coward and he just repeats whatever mean spirited thing mom comes up with.  I used to idolize him when I was a little girl.  Now I have no respect for him.  After a round of insults one day, I finally blew my top at him.  I decided not to attend Thanksgiving dinner, then Christmas.  I discovered it was a relief not to be around my parents and that I did not need to feel guilt or obligated to show up for those  big holidays.  My father has written several so called apology notes, but they sound so hollow that I don't believe that he is sorry. My mother of course never apologizes for anything. In her twisted little world, she is always right and its me that's the problem. A couple of years ago when I received a half donkey's behind apology, he made excuses why he said the things he did, leaving me feeling it wasn't sincere.  My big problem is should I return to the dysfunctional family the same old pattern of abuse will continue.  And who needs that? I even wrote a letter detailing the things they do that upset me, asking them to change thier behavior so that I could forgive them.  The response?  Absolutely nothing.  No response. My parents are in the 80's and each day could bring one of their deaths.  At first I was hoping for reconciliation, now I have gotten to the point where I accept that will not happen.  Why,  because they don't want to change.

To me, forgiveness requires repentance.  Repentance means to change one's behavior, to not engage in the sin or hurtful actions.

Their brand of expecting forgiveness is to give non apologies and continuing the same dysfunctional pattern they've used to control and manipulate everyone in the family.

Occasionally I see an old man that reminds me of my dad and it makes me sad.  It is then that I know I still love him, but I hate being around him.

And my mother, I doubt that I love her.  I will have to wait till she dies and see if I grieve.

July 8, 2014
8:30 am
arnie
Guest

My parents were very abusive, they physically , mentally , verbally abused me everyday. Everyday going back home from school was a walk into the unknown, did not know what would I go home too, will I be beaten to a pulp again today ? Also my parents favored my younger sister over me.. she was a good student used to top her class , I did not do bad was always in the top 5 of my class.. they would set an example of my sister to me , she stands first in class , you cant, they would go to her annual day celebrations at school, they never went to my annual day celebrations

Fast forward , I was selected for engineering and started college and I excelled , my professors liked me as I was a very hard working , no nonsense , diligent student. I had my first job offer in the 3rd year of my college, 1 full year before I graduated from engineering school. My sister went to the same college and was known as "my" sister , all of my professors expected the same from her , but she flunked in her first year.. i had to talk to my professors to help her pass her subjects.. I paid off my parents mortgage putting my own financial future in risk, i worked very hard , traveled extensively to save up a size able chunk of money which I gave it to them so that my Dad could pay off a 15 year mortgage in 5 years ... ( I worked in the states and they live in India , the mortgage was paid of fast because of the dollar to rupee convesion), yet they tell everyone in the family that they did not take a dime frm me and continue to shower their love and affection for my sister who basically gave them a lot of trouble , but her mistakes were ignored... I was humilated in front of my relatives by my mother and father just to prove a point that my sister is a better child.. I have gone through so much pain and abuse that I still get nightmares about the beatings I got when I was a child..

One particular instance .. in class 7 , just before my final exams I was down with a massive outbreak of Chicken Pox which I contracted from my sister.. I did not have anytime to prepare for my finals but still passed in all subjects with an average percentile of 70 percent, however I failed in one subject "Computers" by 2 marks , irony is I am a software engineer now .. my teachers knew about my condition and they gave me extra marks , grace marks which are given to a good student at the teachers discretion if the teacher feels that the student deserves it so that I could get promoted to the next class , grade 8... fast forward.. I come home with my report card and my mother was furious she gave me a solid beating and then locked me in the bathroom as a punishment and then started yelling that I flunked and advertised my failure to all the neighbors to shame me so that i would not go out to play with my friends.. My Dad came home for lunch and he gave me a beating again.. I was still very weak because of the chicken pox and because of the beatings I received I was down with fever the whole evening and night. My sister would never sympathize with me and would never even try to make me feel better.. infact I took blame for a lot of things that she did to protect her and got beaten .. just to give you a perspective , I was beaten with belts, shoes, bamboo sticks , big wooden sticks , utensils , frying pan ,, basically whatever they can lay their hands on...

After the beatings my dad and my mom started torturing me mentally that they will not buy me books for the next grade ( class 8) for two months of my summer break and told me it was not worth spending money on my education since I was such a bad student...

The torment continues till this day .. and now I have decided that enough is enough and have cut off all contacts with my sister and my parents... Tomorrow is my birthday.. July 9th, but I have never celebrated my birthday .. part of the reason was my mom used to tell me that " you should never have been born" .

June 4, 2014
2:33 pm
LH
Guest

Sacha said
Food for thought for those who do not believe...if Jesus didn't exist to tell us about his Father, then why is our time measured by "B.C." and "A.D."??? 

You do realize God wasn't the one who set that up, yes? It was invented by a 6th-century Scythian named Dionysius Exiguus, and wasn't universally used in the Christian world until the 20th century. Large sections of the non-Christian world still don't use it. If God created the BC/AD system, don't you think He would have done it a mite earlier than the 6th century, and might have been a bit more thorough in spreading it among His people?

 

June 4, 2014
1:42 pm
Kelly
Guest

So you are indeed incapable of respecting other people's personal religious beliefs. 

If you can't respect other people, why should anyone respect you? 

June 4, 2014
11:51 am
Sacha
Guest

Why are we born with a conscience?  Why does everyone have one? Truth means nothing apart from God.  Truth cannot be adequately explained, recognized, understood or defined without God as the source.  Research it for yourself...www.gty.org/resources/articles/a379/what-is-truth

 

Parents and children are having difficulties for many reasons...sometimes the parents just don't know when to let go and acknowledge that their children are grown.  But sometimes the problems are being the parents want their kids to be moral and righteous and do the right thing in a world that is becoming increasingly immoral.

There is a lot going on in society to try to confuse people...especially those young adults who just want to fit in...but what young people may not realize because of their youth and inexperience with life is that people who are miserable try to influence others in a negative way...because, as the saying goes..."misery loves company".   Why has the Bible been around forever?  It holds the key to a peaceful life.  It tells you everything that has happened since the beginning of time...and what will happen at the end of times... Every single human being is given "free will" for a reason.  Each of us will answer to God at the end...Food for thought for those who do not believe...if Jesus didn't exist to tell us about his Father, then why is our time measured by "B.C." and "A.D."??? 

June 3, 2014
11:15 am
LH
Guest

Sacha said

1.  Were your parents loving parents?

2.  You don't mention your age....but do you feel that your parents have always had your best interests at heart?

Did you read anything Dispwned wrote? Why do you think you have anything to offer her when you can't even interpret her plain English correctly? You're the kind of Bible-thumper who gives Christians a bad name.

 

Dispwned, I'm so sorry you're going through this. (Fellow bi poly gamer here.)

You say, "I'm just afraid if I don't reach out and say something they might try to keep reaching out to me. What I really want to tell them is to just forget about me and leave me alone, but I know it doesn't work that way." You're right. There's nothing you can do or say to make them stop trying to contact you, and contacting them again--even to tell you to stop contacting you--will only give them hope and make them try harder. As difficult as it is, you're better off staying out of contact.

There's nothing you can do to make them forget about you, either. They're not going to; they're your parents, and they love you, however misguided and intolerant their beliefs are. Just remember that they know why you stopped talking to them, so they know what they can do to make it right. Perhaps in time, when they've had time to get used to the idea of the real you, they can face up to their part in the estrangement, learn tolerance, and become safe for you to talk to.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself. You're not responsible for their beliefs or choices. You didn't make them like this, your "failure" to have the religion and sexual orientation they wanted you to have is not your problem and is not a flaw in you, and their rejection is not a reflection on you.

June 3, 2014
8:59 am
Kelly
Guest

Sacha said

9.  Do you believe that it is "possible" that you have been influenced by a man who has perverted behaviors and because you love him, that you are rationalizing his behavior?

9.  The answers to your dilemma are in the Bible.  Please search your heart and be completely real and honest with yourself....not for anyone else except for yourself.   You will find the answers that you seek. God bless.

It's very rude to refer to bisexuality as perversion. This is 2014, not the 50s. Her behavior is not perverted.

It's also very rude to tell an atheist that the answers to her problem are in the bible. She clearly said she was an atheist and yet 6 of the 9 questions you want her to ponder for an hour are about God. That is incredibly disrespectful to her personal religious beliefs. 

June 3, 2014
8:53 am
Kelly
Guest

Dispwned,

You do what you need to do. You are not perverted because you are bisexual. You are your husband are not perverted or evil because you are polyamorous. Not at all. You are also not bad just because you don't follow your parents' religion. You deserve to be happy and if you're happier without your parents in your life then that's your reality. It doesn't make you a bad person.

It sounds like you're happier and healthier without them in your life and there's a lot to be said for that. That shouldn't be overlooked because you're afraid of hurting their feelings. Your feelings matter too.

As for being judged an ungrateful brat... I have to tell you, you're going to occasionally run into that no matter what the circumstances are. The last time I saw my mother she physically attacked both me and my 12 year old son. People still judge me, even knowing about that. Our society is seriously screwed up when it comes to family obligations. You have zero obligation to someone who treats you badly and can't give you the basic amount of respect due to you as a human being. 

Your parents could have respected your life choices as an adult even if they didn't agree with them but they chose not to do so. Choices have consequences, even for parents. This consequence seems to be that you found out your life is a lot better without them. That's not you punishing them, it's simply reality. Don't feel guilty about being happy. 

June 2, 2014
8:13 am
Sacha
Guest

Disowned:

I want you to do me a favor please.  For about one hour, I want you to search your very soul and be brutally honest with yourself about the following:

1.  Were your parents loving parents?

2.  You don't mention your age....but do you feel that your parents have always had your best interests at heart?

3.  If the answer to #2 above is "yes", why would you think they no longer have your best interests at heart?

4.  Are your parents Christian?

5.  Do your parents believe in God?

6.  Do you believe in God?

7.  Did you ever believe in God?

8.  If you ever believed in God, do you believe that he loved you?

9.  Do you believe that it is "possible" that you have been influenced by a man who has perverted behaviors and because you love him, that you are rationalizing his behavior?

9.  The answers to your dilemma are in the Bible.  Please search your heart and be completely real and honest with yourself....not for anyone else except for yourself.   You will find the answers that you seek. God bless.

June 2, 2014
6:58 am
dispwned
Guest

I have not spoken to my parents since the end of January. While visiting for Christmas I decided it was time to tell them I was bisexual since I hoped to get more involved in advocacy this year. That discussion was rough but I survived it. Some parts of their reaction upset me like implications that I had been talked into it by my therapist, that I was only doing it so I could feel like part of a repressed group, that bisexuality was just experimenting or homosexuality in denial. This falls into a pattern of thought on their part for many years that I am naive and easily manipulated. They also took the opportunity to remind me that they still did not accept that I was atheist.

Things really went down the next day (in the car on the way to the airport of all places!) They kept prying about how I could know since I hadn't come to terms with my identity until after getting married and started asking if we were involved with someone. I had not intended to tell them this part yet since I wanted to give them time to deal with the bi thing first, but I told them that yes, my husband and I had been dating women as a couple for the past year. Then everything blew up. Now they blamed my husband, said I wasn't really bi and that he was just taking advantage, called me uncivilized. They brought up polyamory, atheism, and gaming as evidence that I was just trying to be weird. My mother said she wished I had never met my husband.

The argument was cut off by our arrival at the airport but we continued to communicate through email. They apologized for reacting harshly and said it was just words said in the heat of battle, but I don't accept that because I think they could not have just made up what they said on the spot and must have been thinking some of it for a while. They said they did not agree with what I was doing but that it didn't change the fact I was their "biological daughter" so they cared about me. They never reached out to apologize to my husband for the horrible things they said to him. And basically most of their criticisms of him are things that apply to me too so I can't help but think they must not know me or else they would dislike me too.

After a few back and forths that just made me more and more upset I took advice from some friends to ask them not to contact me for a while so I could process everything. Their immediate response was to disobey my wishes to say I didn't care about their feelings. I blocked them on phone, messages, made them invisible to me on Facebook but still let them see me so they would know I was alright.

And then everything was peaceful. I enjoyed the freedom of knowing they couldn't touch me, though I did have a few nightmares about them showing up on my doorstep to bring me back home and convince me back to their way of thinking. The first I've heard from them was my recent birthday. They sent a birthday card with a gift card and a message on Facebook since they had not been able to call to wish me a happy birthday. It also said that it has been five months and they hoped I'd been able to work through my anger and could bring myself to talk to them. They still misunderstand the entire situation. Anger? Yes, there is anger, but also rejection, belittlement, a loss of trust, trauma.

Now I don't know what to do. The truth is I have been so much happier and more relaxed these past few months and except for anxiety that they may randomly show up and a mild feeling of guilt from worrying that I'm being a bad daughter, I have not felt anything negative from cutting them out. I don't miss them or have any desire to see them. I don't feel like anything is missing in my life since I have other family and good friends to support me. I'm just afraid if I don't reach out and say something they might try to keep reaching out to me. What I really want to tell them is to just forget about me and leave me alone, but I know it doesn't work that way. I don't want to cause them suffering since I feel like a lot of it isn't their fault. They didn't realize the mistakes they made in our relationship along the way and they got their closed-minded view from the other people around them. I just am not willing to take on the suffering and pain of trying to reconcile when the chances of them changing their behavior enough to make me feel comfortable around them are so slim and the time it would take to rebuild trust with them is longer than I think they'll still be on this earth.

I'm trying to find peace with my decision, let go of feelings of guilt that are really based on my fears of being perceived by others as an ungrateful brat, and think of the kindest possible way to act towards them while protecting myself.

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