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Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
June 18, 2015
5:28 pm
Kathy
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Guests

David, You might go ahead and try sending the e birthday card if you really want to. But do it without expecting anything back and know who you are dealing with in your folks. Just detach. Sounds like some weird stuff going on with your folks/parent. Some people want everything their way and do not have a concern or care about the other person's feelings. Some people have no conscience. It is narcissistic to come visit and want things to go according to your schedule, especially when there are children that need to be kept to their routine, have school, parents have work, etc. it is narcissistic to ask what is wrong and then bash the other person and refuse to dialog and communicate and come to a positive understanding between the parties. It is very manipulative and narcissistic to move and not tell your adult children. So you have to know that this is probably what is going on. Their intent is to make you beg for attention and forgiveness and they want their own way. Either that or you've been so horrible they are in hiding from you. You know in your heart which is correct. If you feel your folks are manipulative and narcissistic, then sending the e-card is telling them you care more than they care, which opens the door for more manipulation. Read up on narcissistic people traits and narcissistic family traits. If you find they are narcissists, it is no win for you. It will never be good with them, they can't change and they put themselves first always.

June 17, 2015
1:41 pm
DavidElston
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Guests

It's one of our parents' birthdays coming up soon.  This parent was very good, but then started to cause problems at the end of each trip.  Our family is busy and this parent is independantly-minded and didsn't want to fit to our daily plans.  So it caused some problems, but then time passed and the parent would come for another trip.  And mostly it was good.  Then the parent demanded to know why there were problems.  So we told them, and they were shocked and hurts.  I knew it would happen but they kept asking why problems.  And then we said this is why we don't always invite you over.  sometimes the problem is more than the good times.  sometimes you teach my kids things i dont want them to know.  sometimes we are very stressed out after you go home.  So this parent decided not to talk anymore.  no phone or email or anything.  then they moved and refused to say wheere they lived anymore.  we only found out they moved when the people that moved in said the parent did not live there anymore.  And I emailed and asked for the new address and did not get it.  So it's the parents birthday coming up soon and the only thing i have is to send an email birthday card.  I am going to do that, even though the parent sends all signs of wanting to be estranged.  if anybody thinks this is a bad idea, then please tell me. -David Elston

April 27, 2015
7:16 pm
Amanda
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Guests
HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK AFTER BREAK UP!!!
Here is my story,
My Name is Amanda Micheal i am from USA New Jersey, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr.Ojuku has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell, i was married to this man called Steven we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when i was unable to give him a child for 2years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then i was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email:(drojukuspellhome@gmail.com) then you won’t believe this when i contacted this man on my problems he cast a re-union spell on him and bring my lost husband back, and after a month i miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Ojuku for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can contact him today on his mail: drojukuspellhome@gmail.com,” and he will also help you as well.”
kind regards
Good Luck…
March 31, 2015
10:45 am
Seven
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Guests

HeartvsBrain said
I'm intrigued every time I find a new resource for information/support on the internet regarding cutting off family members.  I'm even more surprised when I so rarely hear others stories that sound like mine.  So I'll share it here on the off chance anyone else comes from a family of google diagnosed, "neglectful narcissists."

I spent most of my life until my twenties thinking like most people do, that my family was normal.  But I never thought I was normal.  I'd been trained well enough by my Family of Origin (FOO) that there was something wrong with me.  Sure, I'd get weird looks from people when I'd tell stories about my family, but it wasn't until I matured enough that I started to question why things were the way they were with my FOO.

No one else I knew had a mother and father who never called them and seemed to have no interest in them.  No one else had all the self care skills I did, because no one else I encountered had been left to figure out so much of life on their own from such a young age.  When I had a friendship end with devastating results in my late 20's I found myself in individual therapy and suddenly my eyes were opened.  For as much as I wasn't normal and had my issues, it became even more clear to me that I came by my badly learned lessons, honestly.

I worked hard, and continue to work hard on becoming the person I want to be instead of the person I was raised to be.  I have in many ways, re-invented myself, started life over again in my 30's and I continue to work on myself and towards my happy.

I accept my FOO is flawed and likely full of undiagnosed and untreated behavioral issues.  I can only change me and I can only control me.  But coming from a background where I was never told I was loved, I was never touched, never comforted, and never taught how to manage my emotions, I continue to struggle with my low self esteem because despite all that I've learned rationally, I still can't shake the fundamental belief that I am unlovable and no one will ever love me.  No matter how much I KNOW with my rational brain that I am a wonderful, empathic and kind person who is loved by many, I still can not convince my heart of it and a part of me fears I never will be able to believe it.  I also of course fear becoming a mother myself, despite also wanting it with my whole heart.

I know I have it so much better than so many and I would never try to compare my struggles with others struggles because I think I was lucky in many ways.  But having invested as much time and energy as I have in trying to become who I want to be as an adult, I am as ever disheartened by the lasting and likely permanent damage I endured being the kid I was in the FOO I was in.  A part of me wishes my parents had been physically abusive instead, because I think there are a lot more resources out there for that kind of damage.  There aren't a lot of resources out there for people who were never loved and who just can't seem to learn how to feel loved as adults.  

I myself belong to this statistic. I have recently learned the definition of estrangement while randomly reading stuff on the Internet.

My story is that I am the oldest son out of four children. I remember as a child in elementary school, I verbally declared to both my parents that I am going to leave and abandon them. As a child, I had always remembered my parents forget me at school, making me sit at the table for hours on end until I finish my food, making me go to school while being physically ill, telling me that video games were poisonous, disciplined whenever I showed signs of jealousy towards my peers, always compared me to other children, forcing the Catholic religion upon me, and discouraging my possession of pornographic material. I had always felt that I was being neglected and grew up being independent and have and still currently being emotionally detached from them. I never talk to them on my own personal issues or tell them about any of the girlfriends I may have. Every time someone talks to me about how attached and obligated to their family, I just sit there, listen, and realize that I cannot understand them.

Now, that I am an adult, I understand that some of those things they did were not unreasonable. When I freshly graduated high school at the age of 17, I immediately joined the United States Marine Corps, in an attempt to leave my parents and be able to do the things I wanted. At first, I would visit home because everyone around me were always very happy whenever they did get to go home. Eventually, I realized I myself wasn't happy and stopped going home after my 2nd year enlisted. They would occasionally call me and phone calls were very short, about less than five minutes. Eventually, any contact just stopped.

In March 2011, after the tsunami hit Japan, I had to go back home from Japan to attend to my cousin's funeral. My parents encouraged me to wear my dress blues uniform and I realized all they wanted to do was to show me off to the other people. My parents tell me that they love me and are very proud of me and I just sit there and don't care about their opinions. I cut my vacation back home short and use the rest of my leave to enjoy myself and party back in Japan.

Contact with my family was still cut off until when my contract in the military was almost over. I wanted to stay in the military but I could not due to not being leadership material. My contract ends and I move back with my parents to attend college. The biggest issue that I had coming back to my parents is money. Although my family looks a lot better off financially compared to my childhood, my mother often takes money from my account to pay the auto insurance, the mortgage, property back in Asia, and additional education for my younger siblings. Also, while receiving military benefits, my father lies and attempts claim me as a disabled, Afghanistan PTSD deployed, military veteran while none of that was true or ever happened. He is unsuccessful.

Prior to leaving the military, I joined a society of online video gamers and in a way replaced that society over my family. I am always home on the computer talking to these people every single day and avoid most of our social family gatherings. Living with my parents, I am usually non-verbal and live day in and out between home in my room and college. My family knows I have a girlfriend but I never openly talk to them about her. The plan I have in store is to move away to my girlfriend's location once I graduate college. Whether the plan is successful or not I will move away from my parents because I have and always feel that they are a big hindrance to me in my progression in life.

I don't hate my parents with an ambiguous reason, but I have always grown up very detached to them. Placing them as last priority because they usually conflict with my own personal goals. I'm not sure about "neglectful narcissism" but I quote HeartvsBrain because I am that statistic whom grew up with good, unabusive childhood and became a independent person who I wanted to be vs what my parent's ideals on what I was raised to be.

March 25, 2015
2:16 pm
Daisy
Guest
Guests

Hi...

I am a 53 year old woman, who is estranged from my father.

My parents were married for 35 years, when my father's mistress called my mother to inform her of the affair. My father had apparently been carrying on this affair for some time and I guess this woman called to "expedite her agenda". I'm sure he was probably lying to her. as well. This happened in the 1990s. Simultaneously, my brother was battling a terminal illness and had moved back home to live with my mom, so she had a lot of anxiety and sadness. My mother had to sell her home, after my brother passed away and my father never obeyed the divorce decree. He sent her a few checks, which bounced. He rarely even came home to see his dying son. He turned out to be the complete opposite of what I thought he was. There is so much more that transpired, but you get the idea.

I have only seen my father a few times, since he left. The last time was 2 years ago. I agreed to meet him, because I did not want to have to deal with any unresolved feelings of guilt, down the road. The meeting was civil, but I felt so removed. I don't know him...He said he couldn't understand why I was being so cold.

The latest for me, is that I lost my beautiful mother in April 2014. A woman who always put her family first, a woman (though sometimes tough) who people loved and gravitated to, a woman who, although lived with tragedy, always had a smile on her face. I am crushed. Thank God for my husband and friends.

My father lives far away, so thankfully...I don't run into him. I know he is old and maybe not well. He is married to the woman I spoke of, so I know he has someone to take care of him. He has never apologized and continued to portray my mother as the devil.

I wrestle with the idea of writing (and actually mailing) a letter to him, explaining why I don't feel close to him, but then I say...why??

I cried that day after I saw him. I cried for everything that was lost. I cried to think of how sad it must be to be so skewed and narcissist. When I think of all those family (his side too) members and friends, who absolutely love my mom and those people who have "that look" on their faces, when my dad's name is mentioned...it kills me.

I try to live my life in a way, that when I am gone...people smile and don't cringe...to make my mom proud.

Thanks for letting me vent!

January 21, 2015
9:52 am
HeartvsBrain
Guest
Guests

I'm intrigued every time I find a new resource for information/support on the internet regarding cutting off family members.  I'm even more surprised when I so rarely hear others stories that sound like mine.  So I'll share it here on the off chance anyone else comes from a family of google diagnosed, "neglectful narcissists."

I spent most of my life until my twenties thinking like most people do, that my family was normal.  But I never thought I was normal.  I'd been trained well enough by my Family of Origin (FOO) that there was something wrong with me.  Sure, I'd get weird looks from people when I'd tell stories about my family, but it wasn't until I matured enough that I started to question why things were the way they were with my FOO.

No one else I knew had a mother and father who never called them and seemed to have no interest in them.  No one else had all the self care skills I did, because no one else I encountered had been left to figure out so much of life on their own from such a young age.  When I had a friendship end with devastating results in my late 20's I found myself in individual therapy and suddenly my eyes were opened.  For as much as I wasn't normal and had my issues, it became even more clear to me that I came by my badly learned lessons, honestly.

I worked hard, and continue to work hard on becoming the person I want to be instead of the person I was raised to be.  I have in many ways, re-invented myself, started life over again in my 30's and I continue to work on myself and towards my happy.

I accept my FOO is flawed and likely full of undiagnosed and untreated behavioral issues.  I can only change me and I can only control me.  But coming from a background where I was never told I was loved, I was never touched, never comforted, and never taught how to manage my emotions, I continue to struggle with my low self esteem because despite all that I've learned rationally, I still can't shake the fundamental belief that I am unlovable and no one will ever love me.  No matter how much I KNOW with my rational brain that I am a wonderful, empathic and kind person who is loved by many, I still can not convince my heart of it and a part of me fears I never will be able to believe it.  I also of course fear becoming a mother myself, despite also wanting it with my whole heart.

I know I have it so much better than so many and I would never try to compare my struggles with others struggles because I think I was lucky in many ways.  But having invested as much time and energy as I have in trying to become who I want to be as an adult, I am as ever disheartened by the lasting and likely permanent damage I endured being the kid I was in the FOO I was in.  A part of me wishes my parents had been physically abusive instead, because I think there are a lot more resources out there for that kind of damage.  There aren't a lot of resources out there for people who were never loved and who just can't seem to learn how to feel loved as adults.  

January 18, 2015
2:48 pm
Kathy
Guest
Guests

well, CF, you can grieve and grieve or you can take this as a blessing in disguise.  If a parent is that awful to us, or an adult child, why do we keep coming to the well and dipping our bucket into it.  If you take the time and emotional energy you have spent trying to get your mother to love you and be a good mother, and turn this to yourself and your own children and spouse, you will be better off.  I know this is not easy. It says nothing about you, you are lovable and valuable, your mother is  messed up.  You can love yourself.  For your own mental health, detach from this woman and this situation.  It is all about her problems and lack, nothing about you.  You have your own journey in life and your role is to be the best parent to your children as you can be and let mom go.   Here's love to you.

January 18, 2015
2:30 pm
Cf
Guest
Guests

Hi all, 

Today I have heard the words 'your dead to me ' from my mother. I am a 40yr old married mother of two. 

We have always had a difficult relationship and I don't have a lot of particular good childhood memories. I won't bore in all with details but it's the usual story of emotional and physical abuse. I have pretty much bought myself up since I was 16 and live about a 2.5 hour drive form my mum. I visit at Christmas and only for the afternoon. I'm really upset to hear these words from her and my older brother who lives with her - but I'm starting to think that the cons of my relationship far out way the pro's. Maybe I'm being too black and white - how can I deal with this estrangement? 

January 6, 2015
5:39 pm
Kathy
Guest
Guests

I think that people have been moving away from their parents for time eternal. It was called going for a better life. But 100-200 years ago, the adult children got on a boat and left to be "pioneers" in a far away country.  Their parents got letters, perhaps, but there was not the connection that modern technology has created.  You could not see Facebook and "lurk" to know what your children or parents were doing.  They did not exchange gifts across the oceans or country. You might go back to the old country or back to visit parents once or twice in the rest of your lifetime.  Mentally unstable and/or alcoholics had shorter lives due to gun accidents, violence, or whatever dangers the new territories brought.

So we have this modern ability to stay connected and sometimes it is not for the best.  Phone calls, emails, Facebook, airplanes all keep us too connected sometimes.  We have parents and/or adult children able to manipulate everyone around them and it is difficult to GET AWAY FROM IT.  Manipulation has been going on a long long time, it is in stories in the Bible.

We have to create happy lives for ourselves and protect ourselves from the toxic people in our lives.  It is okay to have boundaries and we usually have to learn what boundaries and to have boundaries as we get older.  Toxic families teach children not to have boundaries.  We can be good parents and still have toxic children.  We can be good people who come from terrible people/parents. 

We can love from a distance and move forward with our lives and try to detach with love.  In the 90's there was this gal that famously said, "STOP THE MADNESS."

January 2, 2015
9:34 am
Angie
Guest
Guests

Eric said
I've been estranged from both my mother and father for the majority of my adult life (I'm 48yo), aside from an occassional attempt to mend things which always ends in disaster. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive with a few episodes of physical abuse that resulted in either police or a visit to the emergency room.  No one ever stepped in.  My mom stayed with him until I joined the military and left at the age of 18.  She would always refuse to call the police when he'd get out of control.

He has skipped every major event in my life.  Didn't attend my wedding, never around for my children's lives (one is a college grad, the other is in college).  I've been in the military for the past 27 years, and he's never been there for any of my deployments.  He stays away.

My mom remarried 10 years ago, and is involved with all her stepchildren, but ignores me, and my children. No attempt was made to merge us into her new family.

So here we are, in another family holiday season.  This shouldn't be anything new for me anymore, but it cuts me to the core every year.  Why????  Why do I let this bother me after all these years???

Why are there all these sites for support groups for parents who's adult children have estranged them....but not for adult children who's parents have alienated them? I've even been told my aunts and uncles that my connection to the family is through my mother, and we can't be included until my mother wants to.

I often wonder why I chose to marry and have children of my own, and my family has turned out to be such a knife in my back.

HELP...I'm looking for support and understanding...I feel so alone.

Gosh, Eric.  I feel for you and I I wouldn't wish what we go through on my worst enemy especially during the holidays.  I guess we just need to remember to persevere and endure this unspeakable pain we are forced to live though...  I lost it this week when I tried to make an effort feeling dejected.... again....  these letters I wrote her....   They scare me to DEATH:((((((((
Mom,
I love you. I tried to open myself up to you and once again was shut down like lightning.  After everything you've done I gave you a chance and you said and texted me the worst possible thing you could've said to me on New Year's Eve.  You knew we became estranged the last time when you justified sucker punching me and New Year's Eve day that text you sent me whining that you were only asking for custody of my son every other week flabbergasted me and quite nearly gave me a stroke it upset me so much (which I'm sure you'd be thrilled if that happened to me just being in the waiting for something bad to happen to me I am well aware of that).  After everything you've done to me after the risk you put my son in and by that court ordered psychiatrist saying that he didn't think either one of us should have custody of him, the danger you put him in because of your smearing and libel and slander and of me in court.... It was the last thing you should've justified and I can see that this is going to be how it's going to be with you.  After everything you've done these past 14 months and you have a zero, zero remorse for it whatsoever blows my mind.  Years from now you'll say oh I just punched you it's okay to punch you or I just tried to sue you for custody so I could get your kid every other week even though I drive with cups of vodka and even though I sucker punch my daughter.  And I hope after this week that you will realize that when ever you ever justify the egregious depraved things you have done to me with the family these past 14 months and also five years ago we will be enemies.  You are my enemy.  I should have realized that five years after you sucker punched me when you sit there and say that you're allowed to do that whenever the hell you want that there is seriously something wrong with you.  I believe your entire life has been a series of you not admitting to your mistakes and you're so stubborn and pigheaded that you will never own up to them and you'd rather estrange your daughter than tell the truth .  I am not my sister Emmy or my brother Tyler. I don't leave my kids with people regularly I don't party I don't do drugs.  I drive the speed limit in fact I usually drive below it because I am a very very safe driver with my son and I'm very cautious and careful unlike many members of my family.  I am blown away once again to have my twin sister threaten me with text messages that she and you are gonna file criminal charges against me with the district attorney.  It's just unbelievable after everything you guys have already done to me.  That you would threaten to do it all over again is depraved.  She feels she is allowed to tell me that I'm not allowed to speak to my mother and to not ever contact you ever again....again, depraved!!!.  Zoe, that you would threaten me with court and cops like you did 14 months ago after everything that's happened.  You saw what happened when you sent the cops to my house to  discredit me so nobody would believe me when I told you all that she drove to my house with the vodka and Madison.  A Superior Court judge granted me ex-parte restraining orders against mom and Tyler.  Your threats yesterday make me think you are more delusional, stupid halfhearted and mentally ill than you've ever been.  That you would even think of doing it again with me and sending cops to my house or filing court petition again after everything that's happened is depraved.  You were very lucky restraining order tapped on  you too had I submitted yours. Seriously by the knowledge of your blessings that you've been bestowed this past year, you'd think that you'd have some sort of idea that something not right with you!!! Out of the kindness of my heart I love you so much and didn't want to jeopardize your nursing license so I did not.  So you really want a repeat all over again what you did 14 months ago that catapulted this whole thing to begin with?  Everything you guys have done to me is depraved this past year and a half.  I know it's God's will that he is sending me overseas for this contract I just signed and you've made it very easy for me to probably not ever want to come back to the United States of America.  I have such fear of all of you that I want to be as far away from you as I possibly can and it probably needs to stay that way indefinitely.  Until you learn and have remorse AND repentance for the depraved actions you and the family have committed against me in court of law and amongst all my relatives we will have no relationship whatsoever.  Until you have a change of heart that what you did was depraved dishonest full of lies smearing libel and slander.  Until you own up to the fact that you drove with that cup of vodka to my house , that you sucker punched me between the eyes with all your might , that you are sorry that you libeled and smeared me like you did in the court of law so you could see my kid every other week forced court order every other Friday to Sunday. NO GOOD MOTHER would allow overnight visits with a woman who drove to my house with a cup of vodka with my nine-year-old niece.  Any mother who was overly protective of her child would be horrified that a mother would have their child who felt that they were so above the law that they were allowed to drive with cups of vodka and kids it is depraved.  That you feel so above the law and that you are so comfortable with your life that you can live with yourself is very sad.  Until you confess to all the relatives, to God, to ME to your husband to everybody that you have deceived this past 14 months about what you did mom you will have no peace with me and this is where we have to leave it.  I love you guys so much. You accuse me of hating you the fact that I even spoke to you these past few days and gave you the opportunity to see my son after everything that you guys have done to me, the depraved acts you have committed against me offenses you have committed against me was so not what you deserve but I was willing to extend that to you after everything you did.  I feel sorry for you because I'm a very forgiving person and you have stretched me beyond a limit where I can be stretched and I won't allow you to do it anymore.  Goodbye and I wish you all the best and hopefully with prayer and repentance that you can make peace in your life because to live like this is not living for you anyway.  I know God has good plans for me and he is taking care of me providing for me especially because I don't have a family of my own.  I don't have a brother sister mother father second cousin cousin great aunt because of you and your lies and you have to live with that.  Can't say I didn't try.

On January 1, 2015, at 12:54 PM, Angie wrote

One other thing Zoe, miss matriarch guru of the family, YOU are the very first who got authorities involved law-enforcement involved always remember that.  If you want a repeat of 2014 for 2015 remember you'll just get the same result.  I will until the day I die try redeem my character that you and mom single-handedly slandered libeled amongst all the relatives and in a court of law. As if 2014 wasn't depraved enough if you really want to get law-enforcement involved again in 2015 you seriously are messed up in the head.  You are a depraved sociopath and absolute danger to me and the welfare of my son. Stay the hell away from me.  Leave us alone and if you even DARE again call the cops on me which catapulted the entire depraved ordeal we went through last year you better think twice.  After meeting mom face-to-face I am well aware and you don't have to worry about me because I will not be speaking with her for a very very very long time after last night probably and maybe not ever again she had her chance. 

On January 1, 2015, at 11:03 AM, Angie

I gave mom an opportunity to see my kid despite her unwillingness to repent and apologize to me for the egregious offenses you all have committed against US. I'm glad I stopped by her house last night on the way to work because I almost made a serious mistake letting her see my kid today out of the kindness of my heart. I absolutely will not expose my son to the dysfunction of the family. I finally understand and I see that mom will never ever ever make amends with me and will be unwilling to ever do that because she is not willing to jeopardize her credibility which would be ruined if she ever actually told the truth for once in her life .  My friend and I spoke about it at length last night because she's built her world around a lie and built such a big house around that lie that she can never get out of it and that's the conundrum she's in.  Can't say I didn't try to see if she had some kind of change of heart but she clearly does not and neither do you. How dare you threaten a single mom again with criminal lawsuit I am done with you stay the hell away from me you're the one that got the restraining orders because you are hackers liars drunk driver cup covering sucker punching jerks leave me alone.  I will I will not subject my son to the behavior that is committed against me it is wicked vile and evil.  My son loves me with all his heart and I will not subject him to people who hate me you want me in prison who want me incarcerated who want me dead okay leave me alone.  You keep threatening me Zoe with criminal look it's not illegal to speak to somebody face to face which is something she's owed me the past year because this is the first time I've actually had a conversation with her face-to-face in year because she's chosen the only contact she wants with me is in a court of law.  All of you all leave me alone happy new year stay the hell away from me and my son. 

December 14, 2014
8:37 pm
guest
Guest
Guests

CG said

Liz, I want you to know that it helped me a little to read about you and your family.  Thank you for sharing.

My family has ostracized me, and I am still grieving over it. One of the things that spoke to me in your post was your commitment to your education.  I had a similar commitment, and to this day I think it made me the "other", the weird, but also the privileged. I can't help it if my sisters chose not to educate themselves, just like I can't do anything about the fact that I am the oldest and un-prettiest of the 3 siblings. 

I have never been physically homeless but I am definitely psychologically homeless.  I can't imagine anything I could have done to prepare myself for the way I feel.  I am sorry about your illness. If I could wish it away, I would!

CG

liz said
Well it's good to know I'm not alone. My dad disowned myself and his family for my step mother while I was in college. My mom has been lazy, self centered, and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. I tried so hard to get them to see the errors of their ways. Never worked. Finally at 30 I finished grad school and moved to NYC to take a job. It was 2010 and times were tough, but I knew I needed experience. I arrived with nothing but a job offer and suitcase. My ex's family (bf at the time) took me in so I wasn't homeless. His mom helped me buy work clothes and I helped her watch his little brothers. There was little space, but there was a lot of love. His dad never hit his mom to make her obey. When I asked about it once, his dad laughed and jokingly said she'd deck him before he ever had the chance. They tried to talk to my mom to get some sense into her. Never worked. My ex's mom was the one to make the downpayment on my first apartment. She bought me my first suit. When I tried to pay her back, she refused my money and told me to reinvest in my career with it.

I never forgot their kindness. Throughout this time my mom continually called to ask for money and complain that I expected her to work until she died (she drained both my college savings and retirement account while I was a teenager as well as taking out credit cards in my name and destroying my credit) . When I returned her calls less and less, she had her friend call me to leave leave threatening messages about what a terrible person I was for not taking her in (I told her point blank I could barely make rent, if she could pull my roommate's share of 900/mo then she was welcome to move in, she of course went into a tirade in response...it's not my fault she never saved for retirement). Then, last December things peaked when I found out I had a tumor that required surgery and a family member to check me in and out of the hospital. I called her sobbing, scared of what would happen and scared to ask for time off. In response, she was silent for a few moments, then asked, so does this mean I can't borrow any money?

 

....

It was at that point that I ended communication. To this day I still receive passive aggressive letters and voice mails from her. She refused to listen to doctors, has become feeble, and is now out on disability and lives in a nursing home. There just comes a point that you realize that you can never make them happy. You have a right to a normal life. Children are not commodities. I am now an assistant professor at a state university. I took out loans and worked, but I put my self through school. I have a right to a career, a safe home, and my own family. Things will never be easy, but I made it.

 

You reap what you sow, mom.

 

 

CG said

Liz, I want you to know that it helped me a little to read about you and your family.  Thank you for sharing.

My family has ostracized me, and I am still grieving over it. One of the things that spoke to me in your post was your commitment to your education.  I had a similar commitment, and to this day I think it made me the "other", the weird, but also the privileged. I can't help it if my sisters chose not to educate themselves, just like I can't do anything about the fact that I am the oldest and un-prettiest of the 3 siblings. 

I have never been physically homeless but I am definitely psychologically homeless.  I can't imagine anything I could have done to prepare myself for the way I feel.  I am sorry about your illness. If I could wish it away, I would!

CG

liz said
Well it's good to know I'm not alone. My dad disowned myself and his family for my step mother while I was in college. My mom has been lazy, self centered, and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. I tried so hard to get them to see the errors of their ways. Never worked. Finally at 30 I finished grad school and moved to NYC to take a job. It was 2010 and times were tough, but I knew I needed experience. I arrived with nothing but a job offer and suitcase. My ex's family (bf at the time) took me in so I wasn't homeless. His mom helped me buy work clothes and I helped her watch his little brothers. There was little space, but there was a lot of love. His dad never hit his mom to make her obey. When I asked about it once, his dad laughed and jokingly said she'd deck him before he ever had the chance. They tried to talk to my mom to get some sense into her. Never worked. My ex's mom was the one to make the downpayment on my first apartment. She bought me my first suit. When I tried to pay her back, she refused my money and told me to reinvest in my career with it.

I never forgot their kindness. Throughout this time my mom continually called to ask for money and complain that I expected her to work until she died (she drained both my college savings and retirement account while I was a teenager as well as taking out credit cards in my name and destroying my credit) . When I returned her calls less and less, she had her friend call me to leave leave threatening messages about what a terrible person I was for not taking her in (I told her point blank I could barely make rent, if she could pull my roommate's share of 900/mo then she was welcome to move in, she of course went into a tirade in response...it's not my fault she never saved for retirement). Then, last December things peaked when I found out I had a tumor that required surgery and a family member to check me in and out of the hospital. I called her sobbing, scared of what would happen and scared to ask for time off. In response, she was silent for a few moments, then asked, so does this mean I can't borrow any money?

 

....

It was at that point that I ended communication. To this day I still receive passive aggressive letters and voice mails from her. She refused to listen to doctors, has become feeble, and is now out on disability and lives in a nursing home. There just comes a point that you realize that you can never make them happy. You have a right to a normal life. Children are not commodities. I am now an assistant professor at a state university. I took out loans and worked, but I put my self through school. I have a right to a career, a safe home, and my own family. Things will never be easy, but I made it.

 

You reap what you sow, mom.

 

 

December 5, 2014
7:12 pm
Brenda
Guest
Guests

Eric said
I've been estranged from both my mother and father for the majority of my adult life (I'm 48yo), aside from an occassional attempt to mend things which always ends in disaster. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive with a few episodes of physical abuse that resulted in either police or a visit to the emergency room.  No one ever stepped in.  My mom stayed with him until I joined the military and left at the age of 18.  She would always refuse to call the police when he'd get out of control.

He has skipped every major event in my life.  Didn't attend my wedding, never around for my children's lives (one is a college grad, the other is in college).  I've been in the military for the past 27 years, and he's never been there for any of my deployments.  He stays away.

My mom remarried 10 years ago, and is involved with all her stepchildren, but ignores me, and my children. No attempt was made to merge us into her new family.

So here we are, in another family holiday season.  This shouldn't be anything new for me anymore, but it cuts me to the core every year.  Why????  Why do I let this bother me after all these years???

Why are there all these sites for support groups for parents who's adult children have estranged them....but not for adult children who's parents have alienated them? I've even been told my aunts and uncles that my connection to the family is through my mother, and we can't be included until my mother wants to.

I often wonder why I chose to marry and have children of my own, and my family has turned out to be such a knife in my back.

HELP...I'm looking for support and understanding...I feel so alone.

I have been estranged from my parents since my daughter was 9, she is now 31.  Prior to that I had left home, as well as my four siblings, before reaching the age of adulthood.  Much abuse in the family and denial by my mother left us with little choice.  Because I was the "spokes person" for the five of us I was the "guilty" one.

I have learned to move on. My father has passed but my mother lives within two miles of me, my three sisters are close by as well but somewhere along the line I became the outcast.  It used to bother me but seeing how dysfunctional they all are I have found it easier to move forward with my life. 

In my family I know a lot of the issue is ego and the other control.  I have been open and honest with my children and now grandchildren regarding the family breakup.

I think it gets better when you decide that what you are doing, or what others are doing to you is alright in the sense that you will make it in spite of the reasons there is estrangement.

I think of my mother often but no longer dwell on what happened, who is in the right and whether or not amends could/will ever be made.  I respect her and my siblings enough to not allow the past interfere with my present or future.

I pray for their peace daily, in doing so I think I have been given peace as well.

All my best.

December 1, 2014
5:10 pm
Eric
Guest
Guests

I've been estranged from both my mother and father for the majority of my adult life (I'm 48yo), aside from an occassional attempt to mend things which always ends in disaster. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive with a few episodes of physical abuse that resulted in either police or a visit to the emergency room.  No one ever stepped in.  My mom stayed with him until I joined the military and left at the age of 18.  She would always refuse to call the police when he'd get out of control.

He has skipped every major event in my life.  Didn't attend my wedding, never around for my children's lives (one is a college grad, the other is in college).  I've been in the military for the past 27 years, and he's never been there for any of my deployments.  He stays away.

My mom remarried 10 years ago, and is involved with all her stepchildren, but ignores me, and my children. No attempt was made to merge us into her new family.

So here we are, in another family holiday season.  This shouldn't be anything new for me anymore, but it cuts me to the core every year.  Why????  Why do I let this bother me after all these years???

Why are there all these sites for support groups for parents who's adult children have estranged them....but not for adult children who's parents have alienated them? I've even been told my aunts and uncles that my connection to the family is through my mother, and we can't be included until my mother wants to.

I often wonder why I chose to marry and have children of my own, and my family has turned out to be such a knife in my back.

HELP...I'm looking for support and understanding...I feel so alone.

November 21, 2014
8:54 am
Timothy
Guest
Guests

My parents were abusive - physically, emotionally and verbally.  I haven't seen either of them for almost thirty years, although I recently began an email correspondence with my father; this after he reached out to me because of my blog: http://SilenceShattered.wordpress.com  

My parents have never met my children, now young adults - our estrangement has been total and complete.  

Dysfunctional, abusive families lead to estrangement.  It isn't about misunderstanding, or a rift.  Estrangement, lasting estrangement, is about a relationship that was never what it should have been to begin with.  

 

Tim

November 9, 2014
9:58 am
inburbs
Guest
Guests

I am in my late 20s, have a child and a wife, I havent spoken to my bio family since I left home years ago. The only exception to this is every few months my brother sends me an email we chat for a bit and he inevitably asks me to call home and says everyone is sorry.

The disconnect is total. They dont even know they have a granddaughter. I have invited them to no events at all and when they sent me an invitation to something I threw it out. With the exception of my wife I have told everyone I know nothing about it. When I get asked I tend to lie and say my whole family moved abroad or that I grew up in foster care. Only my wife knows the truth, which is easy because she is estranged from her father.

My mother is mentally ill bipolar and hard to deal with even on her good days. My father is a good man but who never listened to me about anything. Not a day goes by that I cant think of something they did that to me that has sucked my happiness out of my life.

I am not sure what I want, well I am sure what I want just cant have it. I want a normal family I can speak with not the people I have been saddled with.

October 18, 2014
11:22 am
Miss Elle
Guest
Guests

    I have been estranged from my entire family for years. My father more than 14 years my mother for 8 years....my siblings even my own children for a number of years. There is nothing easy about it and i keep my distance to protect myself from them. I am a transgender female and they do not accept me. My father has always been a very distant person and no real heartfelt relationship ever existed between him and ...anyone. My mother was a dichotomy, happy and pleasant yet judgemental and harsh. She faked acceptance of my transition but her extreme disapproval boiled just under the surface.

      I've struggled with my emotions and i know staying away shields me from those harsh experiences and yet i do miss having a family that i am related to by blood. I have a substitute family which consists of close friends and an entire sisterhood of support and i am thankful for it, yet it does not fill all the empty spaces. Holidays are the worst and i often retreat and do not celebrate. I've been in therapy for years and yes i've learned coping skills but it always feels like window dressing for an unresolved issue. I've had the conversation with myself about maybe i should go back and "try" one more time....but i am unwilling to expose myself to the possibility of being emotionally cut yet again and feeling the rejection, the disapproval, the frowning looks and seeing that i am just plain ignored, as if i'm not even in the room standing in front of them.

      Yes, i am the estranged party but i am not the "bad girl" here. I protect myself but the cost is enormous. Be who they want me to be and deny myself who i am....or live free as my authentic self and stay away from my familial roots. They say no one can be an island...and yet, here i am.

 

     Miss Elle

September 20, 2014
12:15 pm
Therese
Guest
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Enrique said
I am in such pain.  My mother has behaved badly towards my wife.  I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I am in such terrible pain...

Call your mother.  Never assume anyone, not even a parent, is a mind reader.  When you cut off contact, she probably became depressed and believes you stopped caring anything for her.  

Maybe your wife isn't completely innocent in this, some times things are said and done that are interpreted a certain way -- more hurt can be sent than was meant.

August 22, 2014
9:59 pm
Sarah
Guest
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Chandra said
My mother was negligent with food, hygiene, medical care, and daily care as well as emotionally and psychologically abusive. She played "games" with lit cigarettes which involved making me hold still while she held the lit cigarette closer and closer to my skin until I flinched or she burned me. She frequently made me stay in my room not let me out, as well as stripping my clothing off and laying on my to "spank" me - this until I was a young teen. She was abusive in other ways, which I won't go into here.

As an adult, she brow-beat me, mocked me, taunted me, physically abused me - grabbing my arm, shoving me, grabbing my face and digging her nails into my skin. She would rage at me, even in front of my children. She monopolized every visit and conversation, and expected hours per day, many days per week, of this type of "attention".

She frequently created big Drama Events through out my life - often when she lost a job, or was having boyfriend problems, and would confront me with a laundry list of things I wasn't doing for her. (My dad died when I was a child. She had boyfriends and several husbands after that.) She'd shout and call me names - often in front of my husband and children. She'd humiliate me until I apologized for anything and everything, sobbing and crying. Then she'd punish me by not speaking me for weeks, until I called and begged her to talk to me again. Only then would she graciously take me back, but I had to act properly humiliated toward her from then on. 

We all just figured "that's the way she was". She had told me how vastly superior she was. How she was superior to other people, other women, other mothers, other families. She told me she "lived for" her children and grandchildren. So, even though the facts didn't match the lie, I believed her. I excused every one of her behaviors, and came to believe I asked for it. I deserved it. She had told me so many times how I asked for it.

One year, when my children were teens and in college, I asked if I could have a holiday dinner at my house. She was so angry at this (all the holidays were at her house) that she grounded us from that holiday AND the next, and would not let us attend a family holiday until I was prepared to do it her way and never ask to have it my way again.

She told so many lies, and expected me to back her up. I did this for years until reading about Personality Disorders 3 years ago.

It was like a lightbulb going on. It explained everything. I read about the Borderline Mother and was stunned at the description of the Witch Mother. I asked my (now) adult children and also my husband to read the description. They all had seen my mother's behavior over the years, and were stunned at how "textbook" her behavior had been.

With the help of a support group, I tried one boundary with my mother. I told her I couldn't do what she asked right now, but could visit her later in the week, on a day that was good for everyone. She flipped out and said she would not have a relationship like that with me. She said she was THE MOTHER and didn't have to make appointments with the likes of ME. She said she would not have a relationship with me unless I was on the same page with her and give her "the attention and treatment" she "deserved and had come to expect" from me, and she never spoke to me again. 

I admit, I did nothing. I didn't try to contact her. I didn't want to, frankly. I was tired of the abuse. I already felt like I had never truly had a mother, so I didn't feel like I was losing anything. All I was losing was the abuse, and it was such a relief to stop the abuse. 

That was almost three years ago, and my mother hasn't tried to contact me in any way. So, I imagine she doesn't really want a relationship with me, either. I assume she never did, not unless it was a relationship completely under her control and I was willing to be the scapegoat/doormat. I'm not willing to do that anymore. 

So... that's why I'm an adult who is estranged from her mother. 

Chandra,

I am so sorry to hear about the extreme emotional, physical, and sexual abuse you suffered. (Spanking you the way she did is sexually abusive-- she was using nudity to humiliate and break you). 

I hope that you have found peace and never go back to having contact with your mom. There never was a relationship and there never will be because your mom is NOT CAPABLE of having a relationship.

My blessings to you,

Sarah

August 22, 2014
9:52 pm
Sarah
Guest
Guests

arnie said

My parents were very abusive, they physically , mentally , verbally abused me everyday. Everyday going back home from school was a walk into the unknown, did not know what would I go home too, will I be beaten to a pulp again today ? Also my parents favored my younger sister over me.. she was a good student used to top her class , I did not do bad was always in the top 5 of my class.. they would set an example of my sister to me , she stands first in class , you cant, they would go to her annual day celebrations at school, they never went to my annual day celebrations

......

The torment continues till this day .. and now I have decided that enough is enough and have cut off all contacts with my sister and my parents... Tomorrow is my birthday.. July 9th, but I have never celebrated my birthday .. part of the reason was my mom used to tell me that " you should never have been born" .

Those paragraphs were all I needed to know that your parents are TOXIC and abusive. The diagnosis I vote for is narcissist dad and borderline mom. There is NO working it out with personality disorders and the best thing you can do is RUN. FAR. AWAY. QUICKLY.

My greatest wish for you is that you find a group of genuinely supportive friends and/or also a wife who is extremely kind and who loves you without conditions. 

Also, please be aware that because of your past you must guard against falling into abusive or exploitative relationships. When we have a traumatic past, things that most would consider unacceptable seem 'normal' to us. (Me included).

Finally, I recommend that you see a skilled therapist who is able to help you work through family of origin issues.

 

Namaste,

 

Sarah

August 16, 2014
10:22 am
carolyn
Guest
Guests

Elizabeth, I am sorry to hear of your pain from the unkind words of your parents and your attempts to make things right.  Your parents silence may be that they are unsure of how to respond since their apologies have not been accepted in the past.  You say how it makes you sad when you see an elderly man so it shows that in your heart you still yearn to be with him.  Forgiveness is more for your benefit so you can let go of the control their words have over you.  You are giving power to their words rather than you being in control.  Since they are in their 80's I would give them a break and try your best to just enjoy them while they are still here.  If there are words spoken that hurt you, that is the time to lovingly bring it to their attention.  They have been doing it so long that they may not even be aware of it anymore and as you age it can be related to other issues.  Once they are gone you may suffer even more knowing that you just didn't give them one more chance.  When it all comes down to it, isn't it just about loving one another and having compassion and understanding.  May you have peace and I hope the best for you.

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