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Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
September 28, 2016
7:49 am
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unsure2
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It has been so cathartic to find this forum. I am the oldest of 8 children. I have a fantastic job, and have been financially independent from my parents since I was 16. At 30 years old I feel like I've done a pretty fantastic job at being an adult and am ready to move forward to the next stage of my life - I have found someone I love and recently got engaged. Before getting engaged, my now fiance reached out to my parents, and gained my fathers blessing before proposing. However, since he reached out to my parents my mother ( a stepmother but the only mother I have ever known) has completely stopped talking to me. Worse, she has banned mention of me at home where my father and 6 younger siblings (ages 7-17) live. I am incredibly close to my family- I try to talk to all of my siblings every day, and go home 3 to 4 times a year. We recently lost my 8 year old sister to a chronic illness and throughout her life I was close to her, and supported my family as much as I could- hours on the phone supporting my mom, going home always to spend time with her and give my mom a reprieve from being a caretaker just to name a few examples. I've made every effort to be a supportive and loving daughter and sister. My fiance is a year older than me, and is incredible in every single way, and truly any parents dream. I feel immensely lucky to know him, and I would't bring him into my family or choose to start a family with him if I wasn't 100% certain that he would be a great brother-in-law to my siblings and son in law to my parents. He has gone above and beyond to make my family comfortable, including driving over 500 miles to meet my family for the first time, without me, before proposing. My mom's reason for writing him off however is that we do not share the same cultural background. As immigrants to this country, my parents fought very hard to maintain their cultural identity and pass it along to us kids. I've spent a lot of my time doing activist and cultural work to maintain that part of my heritage as it is important to me. I speak my family's home language and am the only one of my siblings to do so. I travel back to my parents hometown often, and my partner is nothing but supportive and understanding about the importance of my culture to my identity. We have already decided I would not change my last name, and we would send out children to a language immersion school so that they could speak my family's language as well. 

Despite all of this, my name has become a dirty word at my house. I wish I could be angry, but instead I am in so much pain thinking that I've hurt my mother. I also am incredibly saddened that she is bringing darkness to my siblings and to my father who is now emotionally pulling back from me. I have a 27 year old sister whom my parents cut out of their lives long ago as she was difficult to get along with. Knowing that I am now ending up in the same boat despite doing my best to balance being a good daughter, being a good role model for my siblings, and pursuing my own happiness, is devastating. I'm ready to throw in the towel and call off my engagement if it meant that my mother would feel better, would talk to me again, and would be easier on  my siblings and dad so I can continue my relationship with them. But to be honest, I'm not sure that would even do it. I have no idea what the next step is, but I have a feeling it will entail being separated from my family for a long while as she figures out what she needs. My mother has been a very strong person her entire life, but she has been deeply unhappy as long as I have known her for a number of reasons including the loss of a child and a husband (my father) who can be very emotionally unsupportive. I have always tried to make sure to be thoughtful of her feelings, supportive of her needs, and for much of my life have sought the kind of support a woman would normally receive from her mother from other mother figures in my life so as not to bother her or get in arguments with her. However, getting married was one of those things I so badly want to share with my family. I'm not sure now whether to continue to hope I can, or to give up. s

July 26, 2016
12:50 pm
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Randy
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Good afternoon Fred,

Thank you for the reply, it was most reassuring to hear. I am also very glad to have found this page, most pages I have seen were for parents that feel abandoned by their adult children. I feel like there is a weight lifted being able to tell my story to someone who takes these things seriously. The only thing I could wish for is that my mother is able to pick herself back up. That might be asking to much though. However I don't know of it will ever really be safe to reconnect with my family in general. I will say that experiencing the Navy has given me a new plan in life after college which entails teaching English in Japan. I hope that in doing so I will be able to have a fresh restart. Again thank you very much for your reply! Have a wonderful day.

V/R,

Randy

July 26, 2016
11:37 am
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Fred
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Good morning Randy:

Well, that sure is a sad story of unrequited love that was merciless dished out to you.  Don't second guess your ability to stop the abuse. You have a long chronological diagram of your attempts to love and help your Mama. That's the epitomy of a good son, but your desire to help, hoping that she will be grateful, and love you back, is truly harmful to your psychological well being.  Be proud that you have pulled the plug on her abuse toward you.  There is nothing wrong with you protecting your brain, your heart, your emotional stability, and lastly your wallet. Every relationship has to have a certain degree of reciprocity to sustain its self.   This lopsided alliance you have with your Mama is selfish, non empathetic, and most assuredly parentified.  You have tried, produced, ran away,  and begged for love.  Now it's time for you to nurture yourself. I applaud you for not giving up too soon. That's proof that you love your Mother, however, from my experience, love is not enough.

When you hear from your abuser again, and you will be contacted. Stand tall, and say you have had enough!  At this point she will either change or go away. I pray that she changes  and decides to Love and need you too.

Pray and see what God has planned for you.

July 25, 2016
9:41 pm
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Randy
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I won't say that I have had the worst childhood ever, but it was not a very functional family in general. So I guess I will start off with this. My father died before I turned 2, and my mother pretty much raised me by herself. She did have a short falling, according to other family members, she smoked pot, and partied with cops eventually leading with me living with my grandparents on my moms side. I do not know anyone on my fathers side, and much of my childhood is very hazy with little memory. It was hard growing up without my father, and always feeling empty inside without really showing it. Until I graduated high school, my family has always had some sort of falling out with each other. There was no trust among any of the adults, as a kid I obviously never understood hardly anything. Fights, and arguments would break out at family gatherings, never failed, my aunts, and uncles would always warn me about how unrealistic, and irresponsible she was. After graduation, when I started working and earning my own living, my mother started asking me for money. Eventually asking for more and more each time. First was to help pay off an electric bill that was $3,000 for one whole month, then it was to help buy her a van which was $12,000. Afterwords around this time I had my apartment, and my own bills to pay for, she asked if I could help her with covering rent, of $855/month. Before really starting to help her at all I did try to refuse, which she did not take very well. She had threatened on multiple occasions, to commit suicide in the bathroom. Eventually I caved and started helping, mostly because I refused to allow my 3 brothers the possibility of living without a parent, after already dealing with an abusive father of their own. Eventually I quit my job, and joined the U.S. Navy since my mother had pretty much drained me of everything I had, so I could go to college. After about 2 years of being in the Navy and already limited contact with most people due to being in and out at sea, my mother had called me and started asking me for help again. This is when I cracked, and had to put my foot down, and refused because I had found that she was wasting what money she had on stuff she did not necessarily need, she went for the suicidal threats again. The added stress, and drama finally started taking a toll on me both mentally, and physically. My work ethic started dropping, and becoming sloppy. I talked with a couple of my superiors asking for help, and they came up with the conclusion of estranging myself. It has now been 3 years of no contact with anyone from the family except, and very rare circumstances, such as 2 of my brothers being jumped by gang members, and talking to a cousin who found his father in a bathtub after committing suicide on fathers day.I am currently going to college for philosophy, and I have been somewhat relieved since my estrangement. Aside from that I do not know if I made the right decision, I do not wish to have this kind of lifestyle around me in the future especially if I ever get married and have children of my own. I feel lonely, but also feel that I am doing the rational thing to achieve a better and healthier life for the future. Am I wrong for the decisions that I have made? I would talk to my friends, but I really don't feel that any of them would take how I really feel behind my everyday mask seriously.

July 24, 2016
6:21 pm
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onestepatatime
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Charlie, how your parents are is no reflection on you. You have value and worth. They say the mean things they say not because of you being you. They say them because there is something wrong/broken inside of them. You deserved loving parents. You do not deserve the parenting that you got. It is very hard being ostracized, I am also ostracized by family members because I speak out against verbal abuse, manipulation and the narcissistic users. Yet the plus side is not having the crap and drama and negativity all the time, just some of it! LOL

 

The ostracization is to keep everyone in line. Human beings are hard wired brain wise to need other people. Long ago, people died when they were all alone, trying to find food, beat off animal attacks, etc. So our brains HATE being ostracized cause it still means death to our primitive brains. I believe it causes depression and anxiety do the brain thinking it needs these people to live. Have seen info from psychologists on this.

 

Your parents would have treated any other human being that was their child like they did you if you had not been their child. In other words, it isn't YOU. It is about them. If you were my child, and Sam was their child instead of Charlie, Sam would have gotten the manipulation, control, and verbal abuse that you got. Please look into narcissistic family dynamics and see if any of it fits. If you decide your parent(s) are narcissists, look into reddit raised by narcissists, an online forum that offers support and information for children of narcs. One thing I have to say is that you are fortunate in many ways to be doing this estrangement early. My husband was in his fifties before he figured out the negative and narc family dynamics that kept him ashamed, depressed, and lowered his self esteem.

 

And I am sorry, you certainly deserved better parenting and full on loving parenting. Wishing you a bright future, it is out there for you!

July 24, 2016
5:19 pm
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Charlie
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I have been estranged from my parents since 2013, so 3 years now. They were able to provide for me financially but emotionally they wanted me to pretend to have feelings that I did not have towards certain situations. My parents were the type to have us not talk to other family members they were not particularly fond of at a given moment which caused me to not have close relationships with extensive family members. My parents also ran a strict household, meaning I could not hang out with friends outside of school and because of so many restrictions in my house (not being able to watch TV during the week, not being able to have social media accounts online, not being able to have or use a phone, couldn't get a job while away at college, etc.) I did not like to bring my school friends around to the house at all. I was always the type of person to call out something I did not like or to make statements of my own opinion, none of which my parents appreciated and called me devil, demon, bastard, etc. for my own efforts. I never liked my mother ever since I was a child and that sentiment continued until the day I finally left my parents' house. She has never wanted to face the fact I never liked her. She has done many things that has really created a resentment that I have towards her. She has humiliated me in various public situations and never apologized for her behaviour but if I were to say one wrong word towards this lady at home I am now ostracized by the whole immediate family because my mother is petty like that. And not only am I ostracized my mother would ignore me for weeks on end until I apologized. It was because of her I finally left that house. I wanted to make my own decisions and live for myself and not have to be humiliated anytime I needed a dollar. I have forgiven my parents for all the shit they put me through, because I had been so angry for so long. These people only wanted me around to make themselves look good in front of their friends but never for once considering my feelings and always dismissing my feelings as small and not important. They wanted me to get good grades in school but didn't want to help me to do so. They would rather spend money than to actually engage in a meaningful conversation with me. Now that I don't want their money or for them to tell me what to do because of their money, they don't want to speak to me. I have not gotten pregnant since I left their house or have gotten into any illegal trouble. I work and I am putting myself through school and paying rent and other bills on my own. However, my parents still don't want to speak to me. I am ready to move on from this because I feel like this situation of wanting to speak to my immediate family and they don't want to, is inhibiting me to go in on doing more with my ambitions and dreams. I get depressed thinking about my immediate family going through life as if I never existed but I'm not going to grovel and beg them for their attention. I'm done doing that, I did that way too much growing up in my household only to be humiliated and not thanked for my efforts. I want to be able to have friends and perhaps get a boyfriend, but I don't know how to maintain relationships. I'm not good at reaching out to people on the phone. I'm more of a person that likes to see people physically, and I feel like the older we get the more people are set in their ways. It makes it harder to make new friends when everybody is living life through their own lenses and are not trying to reach out to you more than they want you to reach out to them. I feel like I need a therapist or at least a place where I can talk about this situation without judgement and to listen with understanding.

June 12, 2016
5:33 pm
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Inez
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Hi Judith,

   Thanks for saying everything that you said.  I've been wondering my whole life if my parents were really horrible or it was just me.  It's difficult to think of your parents not caring about you and being wrong about so many things.  And your right.  I've been banging my head against a brick wall, trying to get something from people that just can't give it to me for whatever reason.

June 12, 2016
1:45 pm
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Judith
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carolyn said
Thank you Inez and Fred for your understanding and support.  We are here for each other and it makes me feel good if I can help someone. Thankfully I have a big support group of family and friends who are always there for me but at the same time I don't like to wear on them especially when they are not going through it.  I find much joy in volunteering at my local libraries where my service is very much appreciated.  Hopefully my girls will see the light or at least my grandchildren when they are old enough to make their own choices.  Take care and peace to all.

Thank you so much Carolyn for your response a few weeks ago it was so good to have someone - just like you said - offering some caring support - I'm hoping my own sons will one day realise my efforts through my eldest's adopted child - the child's mother sadly was on heroin while carrying her - as I told my son 'she's going to be extremely sensitive - and now at ten years old she's already in therapy and getting very angry which both my son and his wife seemed unprepared for - they just dont understand the child's body despite being adopted around 18 months old -misses the siblings she was separated from - and feels different from other children - and is now focusing on the way she looks in a very negative way - I think she's probably suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome -I'm willing to bet the mother was drinking and drugging -unfortunately our children will turn their resentment on their 'nearest and dearest' when they find life is not a bowl of cherries and the perfect fantasy they were led to believe they deserved!   They at least have better chances to find some recovery - unlike generations from the 60s 70s and 80s had little access to decent therapy and domestic violences refuges.  ((Hug)) x

June 12, 2016
1:35 pm
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Judith
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Inez said
  I stopped talking to my mother in January over an argument about one of my brother's friends.  This person on more than one occasion invaded my privacy while I was in the shower.  He stood outside the window watching me and touching himself.  The first time I told her about this situation she literally said, "He must have liked what he saw."  End of conversation.  I couldn't believe that she'd said that to me, like it just didn't matter.  I over the years had brought up this situation, as always, trying to get the desired response of caring instead of indifference.  This last argument in January I told her that she should have defended me, even if I was an adult, and that she should be offended that someone should do that to anyone especially their own child.  She just said, "No.  He was always nice to me."  The message that I got was that I was like a stranger to her, and she didn't owe me any amount of caring.  I finally after a lifetime of being ignored just shut down.  This isn't the first time that I've gotten the message that my feelings and body don't matter.  I was molested as a child by more than one person.  I told her and my father of one of these situations when I was eight years old.  My mother's response was that i didn't know what i was talking about.  I remember I started crying and I told her that I would never trust her again.  She said she didn't care and left for work.  It was a horrible feeling!  I just went to my bedroom and cried.  I remember a switch went off in my brain towards my parents that day.  I just emotionally separated from them.  I realized I couldn't depend on them to care about me emotionally.  Of course, that didn't stop me from trying and trying anyway.  In the future, as an adult when I've talked about these situations with my parents, it's pretty much been the same kind of responses:  either I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm over-reacting. My parents took care of me the best that they could financially and materially, and I'm grateful for that, but I've reached a point where I just can't deal with the fact that they don't think my feelings or body matter.  The reason I haven't said much about my father is because he and I fell out a while ago, and I don't have as much feelings of guilt.  I think my father is narcissistic.  I'm not a psychologist, so I obviously don't know for sure.  I haven't really talked about this situation with anyone in depth.  I feel like I need to get it out.  I am also dealing with the guilt of the situation, because "you're just not supposed to stop talking to your parents."  It feels right, but what if I'm wrong.  I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive or I am truly in the right for getting rid of people I feel don't love me the way that I need to be loved.

Hi Inez

What your mother said about the shower situation alone is quite disgusting and in itself I suggest repeated the abuse - I really have to question her true morals and sexual conduct - she's a total disgrace

All parents are duty bound to protect and defend the child's safety and in failing to do so I view as condoning and repeating the abuse particularly in one so young as you were - and your mother especially should be totally ashamed of herself - clearly your parents are quite unfit even to have had a child - it is quite understandable that you need to walk away from those who failed to protect and support you growing up - after all if we can't even depend on the first two people we're exposed to from birth - this in turn conditions us to unwittingly be drawn to the same dangerous abusive characters in adulthood - just as I did - giving them another chance and another chance repeatedly - we are literally separated from our own sense of self and reality and truth - you've given these people chances they never deserved to change - clearly they don't want to and have no intention of doing so - it's like you've been bashing your head against a brick wall in effect self harming - it's your turn to get a better safer and more caring future with caring and truthful people  who will respect you and your truth and the pain you've suffered - A type of method called  'Mindfulness' can be helpful preparation to learn about compassion towards self and your inner child - in order to recognise the love and care and validation of our loss - when we learn to acknowledge the truth of what we've been through it helps to open the door to recognising nicer trustworthy people whom  we've long deserved to be with from the start.  x ((Big Hug))   

June 10, 2016
4:24 pm
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carolyn
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Thank you Inez and Fred for your understanding and support.  We are here for each other and it makes me feel good if I can help someone. Thankfully I have a big support group of family and friends who are always there for me but at the same time I don't like to wear on them especially when they are not going through it.  I find much joy in volunteering at my local libraries where my service is very much appreciated.  Hopefully my girls will see the light or at least my grandchildren when they are old enough to make their own choices.  Take care and peace to all.

June 10, 2016
3:38 pm
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Inez
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Hi Carolyn,

   I'm sorry for what you're going through with your daughters.  It sounds like you've had a tough number of years.  I can relate to being a doormat and being depressed!  I've experienced being used and pushed around a lot in my life.  And being around an addict takes a toll on you, especially if you were married that long.  No wonder you've had such a difficult time.  It's unfortunate that your daughters don't understand where you're coming from.  It's difficult when you've got issues to work out and your family doesn't want to stand behind you.  In the meantime, I hope you have other people in your life that you trust and can talk to.  Hopefully, one day your daughters will support you.  And if not, hopefully one day you'll be able to have a relationship with your grandchildren.

    Thanks Carolyn and Fred.  You've both helped me a lot with your words. Most of this has been brewing in my brain with no release for the last couple of months.

June 10, 2016
12:38 pm
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Fred
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Lord, am I glad you said that!  I truly believe that being a true adult is knowing when to throw in the towel.  Take your your new life, your new dreams, and your new healing heart, away from the table. Wipe your chin, and say,  you have had enough!  Enjoy your glorious Friday and weekend!

June 10, 2016
12:32 pm
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carolyn
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Inez, thank you for your reply and kind words.  I am happy to hear that you have a husband who is very supportive of you.  Unfortunately, since I did not deal with my issues before I married I ended up marrying someone who treated me much like my mother.  I was too young and did not realize I was trying to make things right.  My mother when she was alive would even blame me when I had trouble with my husband even though he was a functioning alcoholic.Because of staying in a bad marriage for 38 years until my husband passed away 11years ago, I didn't know I deserved better, both of my girls saw me be a doormat and depressed.  I didn't get stronger until the third time in therapy and by that time they were in college.  Now I am dealing with estrangement from both of them, they are in their 40s, as they are blaming me for their childhood and for me having a nervous breakdown even though my whole life was about taking care of them. Both of them are very successful and have beautiful children which I was a big part of and practically raised my granddaughter.  Having them take away my grandchildren is the most traumatic pain to endure especially when we had a close bond.  It is very sad that both of my girls are now behaving like their father and showing no compassion or emphathy.  I continue to just pray for them that one day they will focus on what is important and that is loving one another, forgiving and learning to be grateful for what is good in our lives.  Sorry for venting but it helps to have a place like this forum where most understand and we aren't judged.  We all have had enough of that. 

I'm sad though Inez that you were not successful in therapy with your mother.  At least you know you tried your best and you are one of those that have every right to not want a relationship with her if she chooses to not validate your feelings.   You do not need to suffer anymore.  Most of the estranged parents on this site have bent over backwards to works out issues with their children only to be rejected over and over.  I continue to love my children but I will not allow them to hurt me anymore.  Never would have thought that I would have to stand up to them at this time of my life.  I pray that they will not suffer one day from their children because they certainly are not setting a good example.  Sorry again for rambling on.  Take good care of yourself

June 10, 2016
12:20 pm
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Inez
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Hi Fred,

   I've already gone the counseling route a number of times with my parents.  At this point, I feel like I need to deal with these issues on my own without their input.  I just end up feeling worse about these issues when my parents get involved.  They are either different from me, emotionally not available for their own reasons, or just simply don't care.  I don't know.  But I know it's time for me to grow up and start taking care of my feelings by myself.  I definately agree with you that I need to be talking to a therapist right now.  And the website is really great.  I've been trying to find something like this for awhile.

June 10, 2016
9:28 am
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Fred
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Good morning Inez:

I agree with you. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to just simply get away.  Oftentimes the pain is so lasting that engaging with the people involved is not productive for your mental clarity and health.  However, if you can (like Carolyn suggested), get your parents to attend counseling sessions with you that may help you to move on.  Call the crisis mental health hotlines in your area. They will be able to give you numbers for affordable county programs. 

Take the time to read some of the posts that are archived on this forum.  We have all been mistreated, and all of us are trying to help other posters, so we can guide ourseleves.

Truthfully, its hard work, but we're hopeful warriors.  Find out how to protect your heart and brain. God will do the rest.

June 10, 2016
9:12 am
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Inez
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Hi Carolyn,

   Thanks for your kind words.  It means a lot since I've been having difficulty most of my life trusting in myself and believing that I can make the right decisions.  This is a time in my life where I'm especially having difficulty with that.  I'm sorry for the pain that you've had to endure as well.  Unfortunately, it seems that parents sometimes just don't know how to adequately take care of their children.  I've been reading a lot of stories about children and adults that have been through their parents carelessness.  It's really sad.  I literally have decided to not have children, because I'm terrified that I'll hurt them in some way.  I have already been in therapy with my mother.  My mother has only ever been full of excuses about everything.  Not only was my mother emotionally cruel but physically abusive as well.  She has never apologized or said she was sorry that I was in pain.  It's just always been about her.  You are right.  My mother isn't going to change at this point.  Thankfully, my husband is very supportive and understanding.  I can talk about these issues with him without him judging me.  I usually don't, though.  I definately have problems opening up and talking about things.  Posting in this forum was difficult for me. lol.

June 10, 2016
7:54 am
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carolyn
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Dear Inez,  my heart goes out to you as I had a similar situation with my mother when I was in my teen years only it involved my brother.  She did not believe me when I went to her and made excuses by saying he was sleepwalking and didn't know what he was doing. It took me four years to work out a plan with my sisters that proved he knew what he was doing.  At that time my sisters went to my mother and my mother's response was "what will it do to his manhood."  My parents did talk to him but unfortunately it was just brushed under the rug and like the elephant in the room.  Therapy was never an option then.  Needless to say, I never had a close relationship with my mother. I am now 70 years old and while you never forget you learn how to not let others define who you are and to take your power back.  It took me many years going into therapy off and on and it took Dr. Coleman to help me realize that it was why I have difficulty trusting my own perceptions and believing that I deserve to protect myself from hurtful people.  That helped me to learn to stand up for myself.  What also helped me was to accept that my mother just did not have the ability or mentality to deal with such issues and I have learned to forgive her to release the hold it had on me.  From what I read from your post your mother sounds very insensitive and that may never change.  If you truly want a relationship with your mother I would suggest you ask her to go to counseling with you, maybe with a pastor since you say money is tight.  She needs to understand how you feel about her words and treatment of you.  You need to have your feelings validated and better it be said with a mediator.  If that is not possible, whatever you do do not feel guilty, you did nothing wrong and did not deserve what happened to you.  Speak kindly to yourself and treat yourself well.  Do not give your power away or let the treatment and behavior of others define who you are.  I also find that mindful meditation helps when I'm having a rough time.  I will pray for you and hope you will find joy and peace.  One question, do you have the support of your husband and is he understanding of your feelings?  My best to you.

June 10, 2016
12:19 am
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Inez
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Hi Fred,

   Thanks for replying.  I've been out of the house for quite some time.  I'm 36 and married.  However, I've had emotional problems most of my life that have made it difficult enough for me not to work.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and social anxiety disorder (though I think I have an extreme avoidant personality disorder).  I've been through therapy on and off since I was thirteen years old, but am unfortunately not in therapy now, because of financial issues.  I've dealt with these issues in therapy, but I constantly get knocked down by my parents when they do/say something and I realize once again that I just can't trust them.  I feel like I need to physically distance myself now.  I've felt no feelings of grief, because there's not much of an emotional connection with either of them.

June 9, 2016
11:12 pm
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Fred
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Hello Inez:

That sure is a sad story about parents. How old are you?   Is it time for you to leave home?  Is it time for you to have a job?  Are you getting therapy?  You have a plethora of emotional trangressions that need to be addressed, if youre ready.  It sounds like you are ready to "fix" you. Your cognitive reasoning is sound, and critical. Use that intelligence to seek help for your well being, if you are old enough to do so.  Crying has always helped me because the  symbolic tears served as a real "medicinal cleansing'. Take baby steps, it will get better for you. Pray and let God guide you to better days ahead.

June 9, 2016
9:30 pm
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Inez
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  I stopped talking to my mother in January over an argument about one of my brother's friends.  This person on more than one occasion invaded my privacy while I was in the shower.  He stood outside the window watching me and touching himself.  The first time I told her about this situation she literally said, "He must have liked what he saw."  End of conversation.  I couldn't believe that she'd said that to me, like it just didn't matter.  I over the years had brought up this situation, as always, trying to get the desired response of caring instead of indifference.  This last argument in January I told her that she should have defended me, even if I was an adult, and that she should be offended that someone should do that to anyone especially their own child.  She just said, "No.  He was always nice to me."  The message that I got was that I was like a stranger to her, and she didn't owe me any amount of caring.  I finally after a lifetime of being ignored just shut down.  This isn't the first time that I've gotten the message that my feelings and body don't matter.  I was molested as a child by more than one person.  I told her and my father of one of these situations when I was eight years old.  My mother's response was that i didn't know what i was talking about.  I remember I started crying and I told her that I would never trust her again.  She said she didn't care and left for work.  It was a horrible feeling!  I just went to my bedroom and cried.  I remember a switch went off in my brain towards my parents that day.  I just emotionally separated from them.  I realized I couldn't depend on them to care about me emotionally.  Of course, that didn't stop me from trying and trying anyway.  In the future, as an adult when I've talked about these situations with my parents, it's pretty much been the same kind of responses:  either I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm over-reacting. My parents took care of me the best that they could financially and materially, and I'm grateful for that, but I've reached a point where I just can't deal with the fact that they don't think my feelings or body matter.  The reason I haven't said much about my father is because he and I fell out a while ago, and I don't have as much feelings of guilt.  I think my father is narcissistic.  I'm not a psychologist, so I obviously don't know for sure.  I haven't really talked about this situation with anyone in depth.  I feel like I need to get it out.  I am also dealing with the guilt of the situation, because "you're just not supposed to stop talking to your parents."  It feels right, but what if I'm wrong.  I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive or I am truly in the right for getting rid of people I feel don't love me the way that I need to be loved.

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