I'm intrigued every time I find a new resource for information/support on the internet regarding cutting off family members. I'm even more surprised when I so rarely hear others stories that sound like mine. So I'll share it here on the off chance anyone else comes from a family of google diagnosed, "neglectful narcissists."
I spent most of my life until my twenties thinking like most people do, that my family was normal. But I never thought I was normal. I'd been trained well enough by my Family of Origin (FOO) that there was something wrong with me. Sure, I'd get weird looks from people when I'd tell stories about my family, but it wasn't until I matured enough that I started to question why things were the way they were with my FOO.
No one else I knew had a mother and father who never called them and seemed to have no interest in them. No one else had all the self care skills I did, because no one else I encountered had been left to figure out so much of life on their own from such a young age. When I had a friendship end with devastating results in my late 20's I found myself in individual therapy and suddenly my eyes were opened. For as much as I wasn't normal and had my issues, it became even more clear to me that I came by my badly learned lessons, honestly.
I worked hard, and continue to work hard on becoming the person I want to be instead of the person I was raised to be. I have in many ways, re-invented myself, started life over again in my 30's and I continue to work on myself and towards my happy.
I accept my FOO is flawed and likely full of undiagnosed and untreated behavioral issues. I can only change me and I can only control me. But coming from a background where I was never told I was loved, I was never touched, never comforted, and never taught how to manage my emotions, I continue to struggle with my low self esteem because despite all that I've learned rationally, I still can't shake the fundamental belief that I am unlovable and no one will ever love me. No matter how much I KNOW with my rational brain that I am a wonderful, empathic and kind person who is loved by many, I still can not convince my heart of it and a part of me fears I never will be able to believe it. I also of course fear becoming a mother myself, despite also wanting it with my whole heart.
I know I have it so much better than so many and I would never try to compare my struggles with others struggles because I think I was lucky in many ways. But having invested as much time and energy as I have in trying to become who I want to be as an adult, I am as ever disheartened by the lasting and likely permanent damage I endured being the kid I was in the FOO I was in. A part of me wishes my parents had been physically abusive instead, because I think there are a lot more resources out there for that kind of damage. There aren't a lot of resources out there for people who were never loved and who just can't seem to learn how to feel loved as adults.
I myself belong to this statistic. I have recently learned the definition of estrangement while randomly reading stuff on the Internet.
My story is that I am the oldest son out of four children. I remember as a child in elementary school, I verbally declared to both my parents that I am going to leave and abandon them. As a child, I had always remembered my parents forget me at school, making me sit at the table for hours on end until I finish my food, making me go to school while being physically ill, telling me that video games were poisonous, disciplined whenever I showed signs of jealousy towards my peers, always compared me to other children, forcing the Catholic religion upon me, and discouraging my possession of pornographic material. I had always felt that I was being neglected and grew up being independent and have and still currently being emotionally detached from them. I never talk to them on my own personal issues or tell them about any of the girlfriends I may have. Every time someone talks to me about how attached and obligated to their family, I just sit there, listen, and realize that I cannot understand them.
Now, that I am an adult, I understand that some of those things they did were not unreasonable. When I freshly graduated high school at the age of 17, I immediately joined the United States Marine Corps, in an attempt to leave my parents and be able to do the things I wanted. At first, I would visit home because everyone around me were always very happy whenever they did get to go home. Eventually, I realized I myself wasn't happy and stopped going home after my 2nd year enlisted. They would occasionally call me and phone calls were very short, about less than five minutes. Eventually, any contact just stopped.
In March 2011, after the tsunami hit Japan, I had to go back home from Japan to attend to my cousin's funeral. My parents encouraged me to wear my dress blues uniform and I realized all they wanted to do was to show me off to the other people. My parents tell me that they love me and are very proud of me and I just sit there and don't care about their opinions. I cut my vacation back home short and use the rest of my leave to enjoy myself and party back in Japan.
Contact with my family was still cut off until when my contract in the military was almost over. I wanted to stay in the military but I could not due to not being leadership material. My contract ends and I move back with my parents to attend college. The biggest issue that I had coming back to my parents is money. Although my family looks a lot better off financially compared to my childhood, my mother often takes money from my account to pay the auto insurance, the mortgage, property back in Asia, and additional education for my younger siblings. Also, while receiving military benefits, my father lies and attempts claim me as a disabled, Afghanistan PTSD deployed, military veteran while none of that was true or ever happened. He is unsuccessful.
Prior to leaving the military, I joined a society of online video gamers and in a way replaced that society over my family. I am always home on the computer talking to these people every single day and avoid most of our social family gatherings. Living with my parents, I am usually non-verbal and live day in and out between home in my room and college. My family knows I have a girlfriend but I never openly talk to them about her. The plan I have in store is to move away to my girlfriend's location once I graduate college. Whether the plan is successful or not I will move away from my parents because I have and always feel that they are a big hindrance to me in my progression in life.
I don't hate my parents with an ambiguous reason, but I have always grown up very detached to them. Placing them as last priority because they usually conflict with my own personal goals. I'm not sure about "neglectful narcissism" but I quote HeartvsBrain because I am that statistic whom grew up with good, unabusive childhood and became a independent person who I wanted to be vs what my parent's ideals on what I was raised to be.