Forum

Please consider registering
guest

Log In Members

Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —

  

— Match —

   

— Forum Options —

   

Wildcard usage:
*  matches any number of characters    %  matches exactly one character

Minimum search word length is 4 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

Topic RSS
Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
July 8, 2014
8:30 am
arnie
Guest

My parents were very abusive, they physically , mentally , verbally abused me everyday. Everyday going back home from school was a walk into the unknown, did not know what would I go home too, will I be beaten to a pulp again today ? Also my parents favored my younger sister over me.. she was a good student used to top her class , I did not do bad was always in the top 5 of my class.. they would set an example of my sister to me , she stands first in class , you cant, they would go to her annual day celebrations at school, they never went to my annual day celebrations

Fast forward , I was selected for engineering and started college and I excelled , my professors liked me as I was a very hard working , no nonsense , diligent student. I had my first job offer in the 3rd year of my college, 1 full year before I graduated from engineering school. My sister went to the same college and was known as "my" sister , all of my professors expected the same from her , but she flunked in her first year.. i had to talk to my professors to help her pass her subjects.. I paid off my parents mortgage putting my own financial future in risk, i worked very hard , traveled extensively to save up a size able chunk of money which I gave it to them so that my Dad could pay off a 15 year mortgage in 5 years … ( I worked in the states and they live in India , the mortgage was paid of fast because of the dollar to rupee convesion), yet they tell everyone in the family that they did not take a dime frm me and continue to shower their love and affection for my sister who basically gave them a lot of trouble , but her mistakes were ignored… I was humilated in front of my relatives by my mother and father just to prove a point that my sister is a better child.. I have gone through so much pain and abuse that I still get nightmares about the beatings I got when I was a child..

One particular instance .. in class 7 , just before my final exams I was down with a massive outbreak of Chicken Pox which I contracted from my sister.. I did not have anytime to prepare for my finals but still passed in all subjects with an average percentile of 70 percent, however I failed in one subject "Computers" by 2 marks , irony is I am a software engineer now .. my teachers knew about my condition and they gave me extra marks , grace marks which are given to a good student at the teachers discretion if the teacher feels that the student deserves it so that I could get promoted to the next class , grade 8… fast forward.. I come home with my report card and my mother was furious she gave me a solid beating and then locked me in the bathroom as a punishment and then started yelling that I flunked and advertised my failure to all the neighbors to shame me so that i would not go out to play with my friends.. My Dad came home for lunch and he gave me a beating again.. I was still very weak because of the chicken pox and because of the beatings I received I was down with fever the whole evening and night. My sister would never sympathize with me and would never even try to make me feel better.. infact I took blame for a lot of things that she did to protect her and got beaten .. just to give you a perspective , I was beaten with belts, shoes, bamboo sticks , big wooden sticks , utensils , frying pan ,, basically whatever they can lay their hands on…

After the beatings my dad and my mom started torturing me mentally that they will not buy me books for the next grade ( class 8) for two months of my summer break and told me it was not worth spending money on my education since I was such a bad student…

The torment continues till this day .. and now I have decided that enough is enough and have cut off all contacts with my sister and my parents… Tomorrow is my birthday.. July 9th, but I have never celebrated my birthday .. part of the reason was my mom used to tell me that " you should never have been born" .

June 4, 2014
2:33 pm
LH
Guest

Sacha said
Food for thought for those who do not believe…if Jesus didn't exist to tell us about his Father, then why is our time measured by "B.C." and "A.D."??? 

You do realize God wasn't the one who set that up, yes? It was invented by a 6th-century Scythian named Dionysius Exiguus, and wasn't universally used in the Christian world until the 20th century. Large sections of the non-Christian world still don't use it. If God created the BC/AD system, don't you think He would have done it a mite earlier than the 6th century, and might have been a bit more thorough in spreading it among His people?

 

June 4, 2014
1:42 pm
Kelly
Guest

So you are indeed incapable of respecting other people's personal religious beliefs. 

If you can't respect other people, why should anyone respect you? 

June 4, 2014
11:51 am
Sacha
Guest

Why are we born with a conscience?  Why does everyone have one? Truth means nothing apart from God.  Truth cannot be adequately explained, recognized, understood or defined without God as the source.  Research it for yourself…www.gty.org/resources/articles/a379/what-is-truth

 

Parents and children are having difficulties for many reasons…sometimes the parents just don't know when to let go and acknowledge that their children are grown.  But sometimes the problems are being the parents want their kids to be moral and righteous and do the right thing in a world that is becoming increasingly immoral.

There is a lot going on in society to try to confuse people…especially those young adults who just want to fit in…but what young people may not realize because of their youth and inexperience with life is that people who are miserable try to influence others in a negative way…because, as the saying goes…"misery loves company".   Why has the Bible been around forever?  It holds the key to a peaceful life.  It tells you everything that has happened since the beginning of time…and what will happen at the end of times… Every single human being is given "free will" for a reason.  Each of us will answer to God at the end…Food for thought for those who do not believe…if Jesus didn't exist to tell us about his Father, then why is our time measured by "B.C." and "A.D."??? 

June 3, 2014
11:15 am
LH
Guest

Sacha said

1.  Were your parents loving parents?

2.  You don't mention your age….but do you feel that your parents have always had your best interests at heart?

Did you read anything Dispwned wrote? Why do you think you have anything to offer her when you can't even interpret her plain English correctly? You're the kind of Bible-thumper who gives Christians a bad name.

 

Dispwned, I'm so sorry you're going through this. (Fellow bi poly gamer here.)

You say, "I'm just afraid if I don't reach out and say something they might try to keep reaching out to me. What I really want to tell them is to just forget about me and leave me alone, but I know it doesn't work that way." You're right. There's nothing you can do or say to make them stop trying to contact you, and contacting them again--even to tell you to stop contacting you--will only give them hope and make them try harder. As difficult as it is, you're better off staying out of contact.

There's nothing you can do to make them forget about you, either. They're not going to; they're your parents, and they love you, however misguided and intolerant their beliefs are. Just remember that they know why you stopped talking to them, so they know what they can do to make it right. Perhaps in time, when they've had time to get used to the idea of the real you, they can face up to their part in the estrangement, learn tolerance, and become safe for you to talk to.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself. You're not responsible for their beliefs or choices. You didn't make them like this, your "failure" to have the religion and sexual orientation they wanted you to have is not your problem and is not a flaw in you, and their rejection is not a reflection on you.

June 3, 2014
8:59 am
Kelly
Guest

Sacha said

9.  Do you believe that it is "possible" that you have been influenced by a man who has perverted behaviors and because you love him, that you are rationalizing his behavior?

9.  The answers to your dilemma are in the Bible.  Please search your heart and be completely real and honest with yourself….not for anyone else except for yourself.   You will find the answers that you seek. God bless.

It's very rude to refer to bisexuality as perversion. This is 2014, not the 50s. Her behavior is not perverted.

It's also very rude to tell an atheist that the answers to her problem are in the bible. She clearly said she was an atheist and yet 6 of the 9 questions you want her to ponder for an hour are about God. That is incredibly disrespectful to her personal religious beliefs. 

June 3, 2014
8:53 am
Kelly
Guest

Dispwned,

You do what you need to do. You are not perverted because you are bisexual. You are your husband are not perverted or evil because you are polyamorous. Not at all. You are also not bad just because you don't follow your parents' religion. You deserve to be happy and if you're happier without your parents in your life then that's your reality. It doesn't make you a bad person.

It sounds like you're happier and healthier without them in your life and there's a lot to be said for that. That shouldn't be overlooked because you're afraid of hurting their feelings. Your feelings matter too.

As for being judged an ungrateful brat… I have to tell you, you're going to occasionally run into that no matter what the circumstances are. The last time I saw my mother she physically attacked both me and my 12 year old son. People still judge me, even knowing about that. Our society is seriously screwed up when it comes to family obligations. You have zero obligation to someone who treats you badly and can't give you the basic amount of respect due to you as a human being. 

Your parents could have respected your life choices as an adult even if they didn't agree with them but they chose not to do so. Choices have consequences, even for parents. This consequence seems to be that you found out your life is a lot better without them. That's not you punishing them, it's simply reality. Don't feel guilty about being happy. 

June 2, 2014
8:13 am
Sacha
Guest

Disowned:

I want you to do me a favor please.  For about one hour, I want you to search your very soul and be brutally honest with yourself about the following:

1.  Were your parents loving parents?

2.  You don't mention your age….but do you feel that your parents have always had your best interests at heart?

3.  If the answer to #2 above is "yes", why would you think they no longer have your best interests at heart?

4.  Are your parents Christian?

5.  Do your parents believe in God?

6.  Do you believe in God?

7.  Did you ever believe in God?

8.  If you ever believed in God, do you believe that he loved you?

9.  Do you believe that it is "possible" that you have been influenced by a man who has perverted behaviors and because you love him, that you are rationalizing his behavior?

9.  The answers to your dilemma are in the Bible.  Please search your heart and be completely real and honest with yourself….not for anyone else except for yourself.   You will find the answers that you seek. God bless.

June 2, 2014
6:58 am
dispwned
Guest

I have not spoken to my parents since the end of January. While visiting for Christmas I decided it was time to tell them I was bisexual since I hoped to get more involved in advocacy this year. That discussion was rough but I survived it. Some parts of their reaction upset me like implications that I had been talked into it by my therapist, that I was only doing it so I could feel like part of a repressed group, that bisexuality was just experimenting or homosexuality in denial. This falls into a pattern of thought on their part for many years that I am naive and easily manipulated. They also took the opportunity to remind me that they still did not accept that I was atheist.

Things really went down the next day (in the car on the way to the airport of all places!) They kept prying about how I could know since I hadn't come to terms with my identity until after getting married and started asking if we were involved with someone. I had not intended to tell them this part yet since I wanted to give them time to deal with the bi thing first, but I told them that yes, my husband and I had been dating women as a couple for the past year. Then everything blew up. Now they blamed my husband, said I wasn't really bi and that he was just taking advantage, called me uncivilized. They brought up polyamory, atheism, and gaming as evidence that I was just trying to be weird. My mother said she wished I had never met my husband.

The argument was cut off by our arrival at the airport but we continued to communicate through email. They apologized for reacting harshly and said it was just words said in the heat of battle, but I don't accept that because I think they could not have just made up what they said on the spot and must have been thinking some of it for a while. They said they did not agree with what I was doing but that it didn't change the fact I was their "biological daughter" so they cared about me. They never reached out to apologize to my husband for the horrible things they said to him. And basically most of their criticisms of him are things that apply to me too so I can't help but think they must not know me or else they would dislike me too.

After a few back and forths that just made me more and more upset I took advice from some friends to ask them not to contact me for a while so I could process everything. Their immediate response was to disobey my wishes to say I didn't care about their feelings. I blocked them on phone, messages, made them invisible to me on Facebook but still let them see me so they would know I was alright.

And then everything was peaceful. I enjoyed the freedom of knowing they couldn't touch me, though I did have a few nightmares about them showing up on my doorstep to bring me back home and convince me back to their way of thinking. The first I've heard from them was my recent birthday. They sent a birthday card with a gift card and a message on Facebook since they had not been able to call to wish me a happy birthday. It also said that it has been five months and they hoped I'd been able to work through my anger and could bring myself to talk to them. They still misunderstand the entire situation. Anger? Yes, there is anger, but also rejection, belittlement, a loss of trust, trauma.

Now I don't know what to do. The truth is I have been so much happier and more relaxed these past few months and except for anxiety that they may randomly show up and a mild feeling of guilt from worrying that I'm being a bad daughter, I have not felt anything negative from cutting them out. I don't miss them or have any desire to see them. I don't feel like anything is missing in my life since I have other family and good friends to support me. I'm just afraid if I don't reach out and say something they might try to keep reaching out to me. What I really want to tell them is to just forget about me and leave me alone, but I know it doesn't work that way. I don't want to cause them suffering since I feel like a lot of it isn't their fault. They didn't realize the mistakes they made in our relationship along the way and they got their closed-minded view from the other people around them. I just am not willing to take on the suffering and pain of trying to reconcile when the chances of them changing their behavior enough to make me feel comfortable around them are so slim and the time it would take to rebuild trust with them is longer than I think they'll still be on this earth.

I'm trying to find peace with my decision, let go of feelings of guilt that are really based on my fears of being perceived by others as an ungrateful brat, and think of the kindest possible way to act towards them while protecting myself.

May 29, 2014
6:27 pm
Mrs MSD
Guest

Hello

I am estranged from both of my parents. Long story short, I am the product of two alcoholic/addict parents. My Mother closely resembles Joan Crawfords personality. She is bi-polar and just a whole hot mess. Shes been married 4 times and has wrecked havoc on my life. From 13-18 My mother was not present. She Divorced my father in 1992 to re-marry her best friends husband. Aweful. I dont trust her and have zero desire to have her in my life.

 

My Father is a little different in that we had a good realationship until I was about 16. During that time he was going through Cancer treatments and was miserable to be around. My father came from an abusive home and suffers from terrible PTSD (From Vietnam)

Its difficult to let my parents "go"- But I have to protect myself and move on with my life!!

May 24, 2014
9:18 pm
Kathy
Guest

Nina said

Enrique said
I am in such pain.  My mother has behaved badly towards my wife.  I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I am in such terrible pain…

You know what, Enrique?  I'm a mother.  The last thing I would ever want is to hurt my children and cause them pain.  Your mother KNOWS you're in pain yet doesn't come to you to try and alleviate it.  That's not something a good mother does.  Not every woman is a good mother.  Take care of yourself and your wife…your mother is obviously wanting this…let her and it go.

Well I don't agree! Your mom might care a lot but is afraid to call. Or, she doesn't want to work through the pain of a discussion with you tho that hardly means she's not upset. Look, she's your mom and you love her. Take a chance and call her. Tell her you want to talk and arrange to meet. Tell her with a loving heart hat she did, that you love her but that your first loyalty has to be with your wife because that's where you live! If you are real and express your pain, you might be shocked at how upset she has been too and you will certainly feel better that you set boundaries as a way to invite her back into your life. She won't be around forever and you're losing time! Good luck!

May 6, 2014
2:14 pm
CG
Guest

Access Denied: A Poem

Excluded from the Sisterhood

A place of comfort, I imagine

I would be there if my sister could

Trade disdain for some compassion

……Author Known

May 6, 2014
12:46 pm
CG
Guest

kelly said
Hey Axems,

As someone who has battled with similar estrangement for 3+ years.. and really, really wallowed in guilt over it.. I am proud to say I have learned this:

 

– you could actually spend the rest of your life grieving and trying to be responsible over what to do about the relationship, if you allowed yourself to

 

– you have to decide when your grief has *mostly* finished and then absolutely let go (this is one of those things that doesn't come with a manual, but usually productive grief is a very physical thing) 

 

– parent-child relationships are built by the parents, not by the children.  if your parents did not build a workable relationship with you from birth, it is not likely that YOU will be able to go back and create a healthy one now (it just doesn't work backwards like that so don't kill yourself trying!)

 

– figure out what your personal objections are to having a good life, and then write them down and throw them off a balcony or burn them.  every day in the shower, tell the light in your heart "im moving on and having a good life", tell your cells to tell all your other cells that you are moving on and having a good life as well.

 

– go get some hobbies and resume having fun!  

 

– you will not healthily be "present" to play a role in your family's life down the road unless you truly give up the grief and go on to live a good life, because your energy will still be low and gloomy, so dont worry about the future

Thank you!

May 6, 2014
12:17 pm
CG
Guest

Liz, I want you to know that it helped me a little to read about you and your family.  Thank you for sharing.

My family has ostracized me, and I am still grieving over it. One of the things that spoke to me in your post was your commitment to your education.  I had a similar commitment, and to this day I think it made me the "other", the weird, but also the privileged. I can't help it if my sisters chose not to educate themselves, just like I can't do anything about the fact that I am the oldest and un-prettiest of the 3 siblings. 

I have never been physically homeless but I am definitely psychologically homeless.  I can't imagine anything I could have done to prepare myself for the way I feel.  I am sorry about your illness. If I could wish it away, I would!

CG

liz said
Well it's good to know I'm not alone. My dad disowned myself and his family for my step mother while I was in college. My mom has been lazy, self centered, and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. I tried so hard to get them to see the errors of their ways. Never worked. Finally at 30 I finished grad school and moved to NYC to take a job. It was 2010 and times were tough, but I knew I needed experience. I arrived with nothing but a job offer and suitcase. My ex's family (bf at the time) took me in so I wasn't homeless. His mom helped me buy work clothes and I helped her watch his little brothers. There was little space, but there was a lot of love. His dad never hit his mom to make her obey. When I asked about it once, his dad laughed and jokingly said she'd deck him before he ever had the chance. They tried to talk to my mom to get some sense into her. Never worked. My ex's mom was the one to make the downpayment on my first apartment. She bought me my first suit. When I tried to pay her back, she refused my money and told me to reinvest in my career with it.

I never forgot their kindness. Throughout this time my mom continually called to ask for money and complain that I expected her to work until she died (she drained both my college savings and retirement account while I was a teenager as well as taking out credit cards in my name and destroying my credit) . When I returned her calls less and less, she had her friend call me to leave leave threatening messages about what a terrible person I was for not taking her in (I told her point blank I could barely make rent, if she could pull my roommate's share of 900/mo then she was welcome to move in, she of course went into a tirade in response…it's not my fault she never saved for retirement). Then, last December things peaked when I found out I had a tumor that required surgery and a family member to check me in and out of the hospital. I called her sobbing, scared of what would happen and scared to ask for time off. In response, she was silent for a few moments, then asked, so does this mean I can't borrow any money?

 

….

It was at that point that I ended communication. To this day I still receive passive aggressive letters and voice mails from her. She refused to listen to doctors, has become feeble, and is now out on disability and lives in a nursing home. There just comes a point that you realize that you can never make them happy. You have a right to a normal life. Children are not commodities. I am now an assistant professor at a state university. I took out loans and worked, but I put my self through school. I have a right to a career, a safe home, and my own family. Things will never be easy, but I made it.

 

You reap what you sow, mom.

 

 

May 6, 2014
11:49 am
CG
Guest

I did not know there were so many others like me.  I have not found my corner of happiness and health and have begun to think I won't find it at all.

In November of 2013, my youngest sister told me I was “dead to her” during her rant about the repairs I arranged for her home (which I owned). The timing of the new roof was somehow the source of this particular slap session.  After sending horrible, hateful messages and letters, my sister moved out of my place and into my aging parents’ home.  I have thought of little else since that day, when I was buried by my sister without an obituary and notified that I had been voted off the family island for Thanksgiving of 2013. 

After being sucker punched by an angry and abusive youngest sibling for the past several years, I thought I could handle it.  So, I loaded up my horse and rode on Thanksgiving Day as far into the Greenswamp as I have ever been alone.  I had a package of crackers and a Gatorade for Thanksgiving Dinner, and thought I would be thankful for the absence of drama.  It was the single most miserable day of my life.  I felt utterly worthless, and it occurred to me that I didn’t have to return home. I called the Samaritans because I was afraid of what I might do. They were a Godsend.

 

By the time I got home I realized that I had not been orphaned, but rather, abandoned.  The oldest hatchling pushed out of the nest in order to make more food and warmth available to the younger and more vulnerable of the brood.  Again, I thought “this is familiar to me”.  I spent my entire childhood watching this film, pretending I was outside looking in so that I wouldn’t be called a crybaby.  The names that haunt my self-talk found me soon enough.  Fat Sattie, Roly Poly, Fatly Satlie, Ugly, FatUgly/Fatuglah, and infinite variations.  I never expected to be the prom queen, and learned to expect little attention.  I settled for books, science, and the occasional close friend. My family didn't seem to me to be my family.  They grew exasperated by failed attempts to make me normal, and I became ashamed of being different.

I found some positive identity in my father’s willingness to teach me to hunt.  I later found that the derogatory terms “Junior” and others unprintable were the result of one of the few times in my life of which I was immensely proud.  I still don’t understand why the family led by my father found my aspiration to be like him so desipicable, but there it was.  And here it is.

I was occasionally lucky in life, but never lucky in love.  I worked hard to got to college and with my folks’ help I graduated.  I am forever indebted to them for the doors that opened as a result.  I went on to study Chemistry, another oddity greeted with skepticism, and found gainful employment after that graduate degree.  It never occurred to me to be proud of myself. 

I understood the concept of “other” in a very painful way at that point in my life, and I married a man who figured out that my “otherness” might be profitable. It was.  My marriage lasted 15 years, and when it ended, my parents were there to offer support.  I don’t remember where my sisters were at the time, but shortly after my divorce I offered my youngest sibling a place to live.  Visions of Miss Emily and Miss Mamie making the recipe and entertaining were among my fondest dreams.  Maybe my pain would match the pain she felt after her divorce, and I could learn how to have a sister.  Be a sister.

During my sister’s stay here, I got lots of feedback about my afflictions and maladaptive behavior. I was routinely advised that I suffer from a chronic lack of self-awareness, and do not have the capacity to understand others.  This flaw, rooted in my narcissism (also diagnosed by my sister) , led to another failed relationship that cut deeper than my divorce.  Despite all of my deficiencies, my younger sister accepted a place to live in a residence that was humble, but provided at no charge to her. Perhaps it is my chronic lack of self awareness that prevents my understanding of the abuse and anger she regularly served up.  My envelope full of her notes is so venomous that I locked it up for fear of it taking me to a place where I no longer wanted to exist.

It took me years to gain the courage to ask my sister to leave.  It took nearly 6 months after that to gather the nerve to enforce my request. And now I have been declared dead (seriously) and excluded from family get togethers at which my sister intends to be present.  I never thought I would be this alone with the majority of my family still alive. I thought I would feel better if I wrote about what has happened to me, so I blogged at fatsattielegacy.blogspot.com.  It doesn't help at all.

April 28, 2014
2:45 pm
LH
Guest

I'm so sorry, Ak.

April 27, 2014
5:48 am
Ak
Guest

As this is still pretty fresh and an open wound, I find out on Wednesday that my father died the previous Saturday, by reading the paper and see his obituary.

My father chose not to be in my life because of the race of my husband.  I have 2 children, from 2 marriages.  They are 8 years apart and my youngest has Down syndrome, which my father thought, came from him being biracial.

My father married a woman when I was very small and she had a daughter.  My father was an only child and so was I.  My stepmother always gave her daughter the best and I had to take what was left.  My father was in the military so he traveled often.  My dad's mother lived beside us so I infused myself with grandma, as she was my only saving grace.

Today my stepsister, who was listed in the obituary as his daughter, lives in my grandmothers house and essentially these 2 inherited everything my grandmother and father worked for!  Don't care about material stuff, but I am human and it does affect me.

i chose not to go to thefuneral, as I went the next day to deal with this on my own.

Although we were no longer speaking, I still loved my father very much And spoke highly of his Air Force days frequently.

I am angry and withdrawn.  I find myself not telling too many people and continue to go to work.  My kids are pretty much grown now, so staying at home makes it worse.

 

April 14, 2014
9:51 pm
Nina
Guest

Enrique said
I am in such pain.  My mother has behaved badly towards my wife.  I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I am in such terrible pain…

You know what, Enrique?  I'm a mother.  The last thing I would ever want is to hurt my children and cause them pain.  Your mother KNOWS you're in pain yet doesn't come to you to try and alleviate it.  That's not something a good mother does.  Not every woman is a good mother.  Take care of yourself and your wife…your mother is obviously wanting this…let her and it go.

March 8, 2014
9:03 am
liz
Guest

NJ said
When I was 13, my parents lost custody of me. For years they had told me and my brother that their drinking was normal, that their all-night fights, which usually ended with them inflicting physical pain on themselves or the other, was normal. My dad was a victim of sexual abuse when he was young and my mother is diagnosed, non-medicating bipolar and when they weren't fighting with each other, they were causing mental and emotional abuse to my brother and I. Though I have blacked out a lot of what I endured, I am unable to forget their treatment of my brother – who has lived a struggled life ever since. We were fortunate that a cousin stayed the night and saw the mess first hand, which started the road to my mothers' parents standing up for us and taking us in. They were able to raise us and we have a good, if not very deep, relationship with that side of the family. 
I gave in many times to their requests to maintain a relationship, but each time went very badly. Their illnesses and choices have ravaged their lives to the point of there being very little redeeming qualities about them. They have nothing worth talking about in their lives (besides stories of bosses and landlords taking advantage of them, etc) and if I talk about my busy, but happy life, I get chastised to 'slow down' and told that I think I'm better than everyone. Ultimately I have little to no respect for them or need for them in my life. I would prefer to remember them only through happy pictures from my VERY young childhood and care about them without having any connection to them.
Despite not seeing them in 12 years and not taking to them by phone/letter in over 7, they continue to send letters and cards addressed to me at my employers (I have been in the paper or news from time to time with my employers). Of course, at businesses, all mail just gets opened and then directed to the right person or dept. so it's very embarrassing and unwanted by me. Now, they are reaching out to older, less in-the-know family and friends to try and talk me into giving them another chance. 
Of course, that is extremely inappropriate, and children of abuse do not have to explain to anyone why they won't speak to their parents. 'But they're your parents' or 'you'll regret it when you're older' are phrases that will only let guilt and negativity in. 
I know that I need to do more right now to move on from this situation. I am looking for some reinforcing mantras or statements for my situation. I'm also weighing the idea of writing them a letter telling them (in the most positive way that I can) that I still do not wish to try a relationship with them, and that they're attempts are unwanted. Has anyone done this? 

Writing a letter helps. I did it, but never sent it. You can't expect your abusers to change…they got away with this behavior for so long that it is ingrained in them. They see the abuse as being acceptable behavior. I am in a similar situation. I used education as an escape and was often put down or beaten for acting better than the rest of the family. Be firm and do not respond. If it continues, go to police and try to get a restraining order. When I get mail from mine I just throw it out and when I have voice mails I delete them. I saved the old pictures from happier times, too. When I look at them at this point I know that the people in them are dead, and that the monsters posing as my parents are not the real people who raised me.

 

March 8, 2014
8:50 am
liz
Guest

Well it's good to know I'm not alone. My dad disowned myself and his family for my step mother while I was in college. My mom has been lazy, self centered, and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. I tried so hard to get them to see the errors of their ways. Never worked. Finally at 30 I finished grad school and moved to NYC to take a job. It was 2010 and times were tough, but I knew I needed experience. I arrived with nothing but a job offer and suitcase. My ex's family (bf at the time) took me in so I wasn't homeless. His mom helped me buy work clothes and I helped her watch his little brothers. There was little space, but there was a lot of love. His dad never hit his mom to make her obey. When I asked about it once, his dad laughed and jokingly said she'd deck him before he ever had the chance. They tried to talk to my mom to get some sense into her. Never worked. My ex's mom was the one to make the downpayment on my first apartment. She bought me my first suit. When I tried to pay her back, she refused my money and told me to reinvest in my career with it.

I never forgot their kindness. Throughout this time my mom continually called to ask for money and complain that I expected her to work until she died (she drained both my college savings and retirement account while I was a teenager as well as taking out credit cards in my name and destroying my credit) . When I returned her calls less and less, she had her friend call me to leave leave threatening messages about what a terrible person I was for not taking her in (I told her point blank I could barely make rent, if she could pull my roommate's share of 900/mo then she was welcome to move in, she of course went into a tirade in response…it's not my fault she never saved for retirement). Then, last December things peaked when I found out I had a tumor that required surgery and a family member to check me in and out of the hospital. I called her sobbing, scared of what would happen and scared to ask for time off. In response, she was silent for a few moments, then asked, so does this mean I can't borrow any money?

 

….

It was at that point that I ended communication. To this day I still receive passive aggressive letters and voice mails from her. She refused to listen to doctors, has become feeble, and is now out on disability and lives in a nursing home. There just comes a point that you realize that you can never make them happy. You have a right to a normal life. Children are not commodities. I am now an assistant professor at a state university. I took out loans and worked, but I put my self through school. I have a right to a career, a safe home, and my own family. Things will never be easy, but I made it.

 

You reap what you sow, mom.

 

Forum Timezone: America/Los_Angeles

Most Users Ever Online: 887

Currently Online:
80 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
2 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 952

Members: 1

Moderators: 0

Admins: 2

Forum Stats:

Groups: 1

Forums: 9

Topics: 759

Posts: 5745

Newest Members: wpengine

Administrators: Webmaster (15), Dr. Joshua Coleman (46)