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Reading through many of these posts I think in some cases that the decision to split from your family was a wise one. In other cases I hope you as young adults who either have children of your own or will soon will realize they do not come out with instruction manuals taped to there butts! You to will make mistakes and look back and wish you had handled things different I wish, for example, that I had left my son in the psych ward for longer but he begged me to get him out. He promised to follow through with treatment and never did. Did I make a mistake? YES! Was it due to malice, abuse or incompetence, NO! Life happens and you make decisions based on the situation at any given time. Some are spot on and others you look back and regret but there is no opportunity to go back in time only learn from your mistakes and not make them again.

For you young adults I strongly encourage you to look ahead and not dwell on the past no matter who was at fault. As adults you and only you are responsible for your future. If you are unable to let go and forgive than seek help. If you carry bitterness around it will hinder your future not only in relationships but in life in general. I was not in your homes so I am not going to judge who was at fault but at the end of the day you are responsible for you life and your happiness, NOT your parents. That is the definition of both autonomy and adulthood. My best to you all

Louise said

I have no problem telling my story now. For my whole life, deep down inside I always knew things were messed up in my family. My mother and father were very abusive and showed extreme favoritism toward one of my siblings. There was always excuses why I did not get things or why they treated me so different in a cruel and mean way.

Over time, I realized more and more how messed up my parents were..my mother was extremely emotionally abusive and my father enabled the abuse…so slowly I just withdrew from them, never called them back, never emailed them back and came to realize that I am way better off now..I have re built my self esteem, my self worth and my whole outlook on life. Granted, I will tell you this…I am very depressed given my lost childhood and some life experiences that I missed out on.

My father still makes excuses why he treated me like total crap…the man does not get it and I am not going to continue to allow them to abuse me..hence I do NOT talk to them because of the dysfunction and abuse.

I find it very interesting that many of these estranged parents blame the children and many do not thing they did anything wrong..I highly doubt that is true…they just wont admit it…like most parents.

Coping with the loss is difficult. The one thing I realize is that I want a son – father/mother relationship…I just want it with real parents…not the parents that I grew up with.

Mike…Oh Mike……I can only wonder why you would be so quick to judge other parents. It sounds as though you are harboring some deep emotional feelings of self-worth. It sounds as though your first concern refers to strictly 'MATERIAL THINGS.' Why would you even want to put blame on anyone else when you have absolutely no clue, in my opinion, of how to actually deal with your own feelings. You really should not throw all the parents in on the 'blame game.' I really have a problem of disbelieve as to 'all' of your circumstances. When I read posts such as yours it actually brings to mind 'a spoiled kid who thought everything should be handed to him.' I would suggest you first get your life in order by being open and completely honest if you can before putting blame where perhaps blame does not go. I am by no means saying that I am right. This is strictly an opinion and everyone is entitled to their own. I do hope you can find peace and get on with your life.

Elke said

I will gladly adopt any kid who wants a loving mom…even a 30 year old one.

Have one that age who does not want me! No reason given just decided brothers and I were of no use. There are those of us who care. We simply can't get through to kids who do not want relationships.

Elke said
My husband broke things. I did not. How old are you Elke? Please don't be offended, but it seems like you do not have much experience at all. Are you really under the misguided impression that abusive behavior happens all the time, every day? Because it does not. There ARE good times, and again, sorry, but how can you be so naive, and cruel, to propose that one parent's efforts and love do not count at all? If you knew anything about abuse at all, you would know that most people blame the abused (usually women) , which is exactly what the abuser did. That actually makes your kind of response as abusive as the one who hits and breaks things. You seems to have it all figured out, but you also do not read very well, and are very attacking in your response. I actually feel like I'm being interrogated. I won't be responsible for my ex's actions. I won't be made to feel like I deserve the loss of my son because our home WAS in fact, at times, a war zone. I will accept full responsibility for not being more careful who I married and for not having a better self esteem. I will not let a total stranger hit me for being stupid enough to be hit in the first place.

Please refrain from posting here when your intent is to cross-examine and blame, especially when you are blaming the victim. Also, maybe you don't quite get the meaning of "ex". That means I got out of the situation. yet, you, and my son, sem very determined to keep me there. Ive been divorced for 10 years. I suppose if the man I'm with now woke up tomorrow and smacked me across the face, you'd be the first in line to dish out blame.

Um, again, when did I ever say the home life or marriage was awesome? I said there were many good times too.

Yes, I am responsible for not leaving sooner. But, I didn't lose my daughter. I know to an inexperienced person, it seems completely logical to take that chance, because a decent woman stands up for herself, and there is nothing noble about choosing the less destructive option. If you had any real life experience or knowledge, you would know that sometimes there is not a good option….even in marriages where there was no abuse, but there was disharmomy. My daughter is very grateful that she grew up with me, not in another state with her dad only. I know you are thinking, like I did, that laws would protect me, but I learned in the divorce that the LAW is only as good as your lawyer, and waiting until she was old enough to make her voice heard was a good choice.

My tolerance for abuse is now much different than it was back then. I learned. I know that is very disappointing to you because you picture me as some low-life in a torn dress that was abused, and you want to show me the way! Again, that only shows your complete misunderstanding of emotional and verbal, and yes, sometimes physical abuse. I suggest you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". It is a very good book.

Finally, everyone has their own beliefs and ignorances, but people who think the way you do…. Who do not read carefully and who fill in the blanks with their own interpretation, and who would judge so very quickly, with a superior attitude, are very, very dangerous people. I hope the counselor my son went to see was experienced and knowledgeable, but I'm afraid it was someone like you, who so quickly berates me and picks apart every attempt to clarify by further hoping to trap me into a lie, to discount me, and needs desperately to prove that I brought all this on myself. I imagine you believe all people bring bad things on themselves. Partially true, but sometimes not.

Finally, I totally believe that if you are fortunate to have a good life, with love and stability, it is vital to your character to not think yourself exeptionally wise and somehow superior.

Now, to prove to you that I have learned a little bit about protecting myself, I will not read any more of your very condescending responses, but I will monitor this forum in case there is some other struggling person out there that you feel inclined to scrutinize and condemn. And , until you have lost a child, or had one blame you for doing a really bad job as a parent, I suggest you back off. It is the most awful thing in the world, and making some bad choices, as you call them, is certainly not grounds for permanent estrangement and a blatant refusal to forgive.

I can give you a longer response later, but for now:

In your original comment, you say "no one was really physically abused," and in your reply, you say that you and your second husband merely "fought a lot." You also say your husband broke your arm and bashed your head on the floor. You give a long list of the things in the house that were destroyed in a fit of rage (yours or your husband's, you didn't specify). That's not "fighting." That's a war zone.

You also say over and over again that it wasn't all bad, that there were good times–as though the good times more than make up for the bad times. That's like having a friend who's great nine out of ten times you get together, but unpredictably, one time out of ten, he grabs your head and smashes it into the door. 90% of the time, things with this friend are awesome! Does that mean that your friendship is awesome? Should you write off the split lips and black eyes as part of the price of a really great friendship? If 1 out of 10 times is too often for you, what percentage of head-smashing would you find acceptable in a good relationship?

The purpose of these questions are not to blame you for staying in an abusive relationship, but to help you to see where your own level of tolerance for bad treatment is set. Try comparing your answer to the theoretical situation with your real-life responses to bad situations, then compare your theoretical answer to the level of tolerance you expect others to have for your own episodes of "losing it occasionally."

I can give you a longer response later, but for now:

In your original comment, you say "no one was really physically abused," and in your reply, you say that you and your second husband merely "fought a lot." You also say your husband broke your arm and bashed your head on the floor. You give a long list of the things in the house that were destroyed in a fit of rage (yours or your husband's, you didn't specify). That's not "fighting." That's a war zone.

You also say over and over again that it wasn't all bad, that there were good times–as though the good times more than make up for the bad times. That's like having a friend who's great nine out of ten times you get together, but unpredictably, one time out of ten, he grabs your head and smashes it into the door. 90% of the time, things with this friend are awesome! Does that mean that your friendship is awesome? Should you write off the split lips and black eyes as part of the price of a really great friendship? If 1 out of 10 times is too often for you, what percentage of head-smashing would you find acceptable in a good relationship?

The purpose of these questions are not to blame you for staying in an abusive relationship, but to help you to see where your own level of tolerance for bad treatment is set. Try comparing your answer to the theoretical situation with your real-life responses to bad situations, then compare your theoretical answer to the level of tolerance you expect others to have for your own episodes of "losing it occasionally."

Whisper, was your comment about not really being physically abused sarcastic, or sincere?

"He has judged me when he will never understand what it was like to be me."

He understands what it was like to be HIM–an innocent, helpless child living through your bad temper and your bad choices. Just as he won't understand what it was like to be you, you won't understand what it was like to be him; and if he's wrong for judging you without being you, you're wrong for judging him without being him. So trying to use that particular piece of logic won't get you very far.

I understand that you're hurt by his judgement, and that's natural and normal. But it doesn't mean that he has no right to decide for himself what he thinks of you as his mother.

"He'll also never know what it is like to be condemned and hated by the kid who saved me."

Holy parentification, Batman!

He saved YOU. YOU condemned HIM to twenty years of hell. It's great that your son gave you a reason to grow up and struggle on, but that was not his purpose. That's not a child's job.

And, frankly, it seems not to have worked. A parent is supposed to grow up, struggle on, and give their child a better life; you grew up, struggled on, and changed from an abusive young mother to an abusive mature mother with a college degree to an abusive mature mother with a college degree and an abusive husband. In what way was this an improvement?

Throughout your post, you vacillate between recognizing what kind of a parent you were, and justifying why you were that way. You say, in effect, "Sure, he had it bad, but he doesn't understand how bad it was for me!" It sounds like your brain knows how bad his childhood was, but your heart has no idea. It also sounds like what you really want is for him to empathize with you and validate your suffering, without really understanding the depths of his own suffering and without fully recognizing who made him suffer.

The degree to which you downplay violence is also worrisome. You mentioned in passing that as a young mother, you broke things. Then you say that during your second marriage, things were frequently broken, but you don't say by whom–interesting omission. That, plus your self-descriptions, make me wonder if you still have a violent temper. Maybe you don't think it's an issue because it's better than it was before, but "better than before" doesn't mean "good."

You say your son cut you off because of childhood memories, but is it possible that you reinterpreted his letter to spare yourself? Estranged adult children generally don't cut off their parents solely because of the past. They cut them off because the abuse that started in the past continues into the present. I suspect that the way you are now reminds your son of the way you were then. And you can't change the way you were then, but you can do something about the way you are now.

Before I reply, I want to tell you that the last thing I want is to offend you. I am hurting pretty badly from my own son's estrangement. My situation is not yours, so please read, think, and feel no pressure or insult.

I started out on my journey as a mother with a limp! ( Emotionally). I got knocked up at 20. I did take precautions, but not enough soon enough. The dad agreed to marry me, but he was very young, like me, and equally unprepared for parenthood.

What happened is that my son saved me. He gave me a reason to be better. It was a long and very hard struggle, believe me. His daddy had many "girlfriends" and partied a lot, and I really didn't feel right in expecting more since I had trapped him into marriage. We were separated a lot, and after three years of marriage, he was found dead, leaving me a widow. I finished college, determined that my little boy did not grow up with the humiliation of his mom being on welfare. Despite my good intentions, I was often not the best mom. I lost my temper, not so much because I was angry at my son, but because I was angry at my life. I felt so unloveable. Everywhere I looked I saw young couples with families, but I was just ME; no husband. I knew Inwas not giving my little boy the stability and loving family he deserved, but I swear I tried. I took him to church. We often went out for breakfast, even when he was just in a high chair. I took him bike riding, even fishing once.

But, I worked long hours, and I'm sure he didn't get the attention a more mature mom would have given him. There were times that I yelled, scared him, broke things, and just melted down. He remembers some of those.

I eventually remarried, rushing into marriage because my boy was six years old and had no daddy, no brothers or sisters, and I wanted desperately to have someone love me and give me that complete family both my kid and I needed.

Turns out I married a very angry, very immature man. But, I didn't leave. Not for 13 years. I kept thinking that "this is what it is". We has a daughter. No one was really physically abused, except for the time he smacked me and broke my arm, or the times he got right in my boy's face and yelled at him, or grabbed him, or shoved him. Radios were smashed, lights were knocked out with a hammer if they were left on, china cabinets and furniture got destroyed. In between we had normal times. We went to the park. We went to carnivals and the zoo and camping trips.

There were times that I got so furious and wanted to leave. One time our daughter was just a toddler. We were in this huge fight, and next thing I know he was bashing my head on the floor and shoving her picture in my face, telling me I'd never see her again if we split. I hated him, but I made up with him to keep him from leaving with her. From then on he made it clear that he would take our daughter if we split, and move out of state, but I could "see" her. I couldn't do that to her, or me.

Plus, in blatant honesty, I was terrified of being a single mom again. I was terrified of a break up. I simply didn't feel strong enough to go through with it.

In the meantime, my boy was constantly harranged. He hated coming home, and would spend time with friends as much as he could.

Finally, when he was 20 and in college, and my daughter was old enough to say she wanted to live with me, we did divorce. It was a very ugly, very messy divorce, and there were times that I was so afraid my then husband would hurt one of the kids just to hurt me.

That was ten or so years ago. I am about to get married again, to a man I've been with for six years. No rushing into anything this time! He's a good and kind man.

Two years ago my son and his wife had a little girl. About the same time I was hit with this long email from his wife, telling me how awful I've been to her and my son. It came as a total shock. Bottom line is that my son had so many negative childhood memories that he didn't want me around his daughter at all. He stopped speaking to me and sent me a letter saying he would call the police if I ever came to his house. I haven't seen him or spoken to him In two years, other than a couple of times I went to his work when he got off, hoping to talk.

He also doesn't speak to his sister.

I mourn him. My heart aches for him. It is just horrible. For so many years he was my little sunshine, my hope, my best pal. We laughed and cried and grew up together. He will never, ever know how very much I love him. Yet, I am also angry at him. He has judged me when he will never understand what it was like to be me. He'll also never know what it is like to be condemned and hated by the kid who saved me.

So, for all the people who spit and spat about cruel parents and how bad we were, maybe it is deserved…or maybe we just muddled through and made very harmful choices. And maybe love should cover some of those sins.

That's all, I'm so sorry that you are hurting and I'm so sad that your family hurt you. I don't know them, nor you. But IF, just IF you think maybe one of them loves you and is ashamed of their mistakes, please forgive. I pray every single day for my son to show up and just say "Mom".

I have no problem telling my story now. For my whole life, deep down inside I always knew things were messed up in my family. My mother and father were very abusive and showed extreme favoritism toward one of my siblings. There was always excuses why I did not get things or why they treated me so different in a cruel and mean way.

Over time, I realized more and more how messed up my parents were..my mother was extremely emotionally abusive and my father enabled the abuse…so slowly I just withdrew from them, never called them back, never emailed them back and came to realize that I am way better off now..I have re built my self esteem, my self worth and my whole outlook on life. Granted, I will tell you this…I am very depressed given my lost childhood and some life experiences that I missed out on.

My father still makes excuses why he treated me like total crap…the man does not get it and I am not going to continue to allow them to abuse me..hence I do NOT talk to them because of the dysfunction and abuse.

I find it very interesting that many of these estranged parents blame the children and many do not thing they did anything wrong..I highly doubt that is true…they just wont admit it…like most parents.

Coping with the loss is difficult. The one thing I realize is that I want a son – father/mother relationship…I just want it with real parents…not the parents that I grew up with.

Leigh, AlAnon is not for someone who is addicted themselves, rather for a relative/family member of someone who is.

Elke

Leigh,
I empathize with you and your situation/constant feeling that you 'have' to be part of your parent's life. Children raised in very dysfunctional families are made to feel guilty if they want to improve their life and 'move on' – distancing themselves from abuse, etc. You need to understand that you are the 'healthy one' by wanting this. It's very hard to stay strong without support. If you can afford counselling, I would recommend it. I also recommend AlAnon.

As an adult, you need to live your life for you. I heard a quote recently which I'd like to share. "I'd rather be loathed for who I am, than loved for what I'm not."

Best wishes.

I've been estranged from my parents for nearly 6mths as of right now. The straw that broke the camels' back was when my 20yr old brother passed away about a year and a half ago. All of the pain, emotions and feelings from the last 25yrs of my growing up suddenly came into play in my life, and I wasn't happy with where my life was it. My 3 other siblings and myself suffered physical, verbal and emotional abuse growing up, from our Father. My mother spoke up very infrequently, and when she did, an all out argument insued between them. My father lies, maniuplates and twists things to his liking. My entire family is overly conservative christian (my grandfather being a preacher). My whole life I was raised and taught to be a certain way, and I then turned an adult, and it was no longer acceptable in my fathers eyes. Everything has always about him. The comment was made when i was in grade school that we couldn't be in sports because their (my parents) lives didn't revolve around ours and they weren't going to spend their lives chasing and running us all around town to different events their whole lives. They have discontinued being parents the day I turned 18. I was the oldest, so they were the hardest on me, rightfully so I guess. They allowed (and practically encouraged) my younger siblings to drink (the oldest being 14 at the time), smoke cigarettes, smoke pot, abuse pills, etc. They were told from many, many people what was going on at the time, and yet they refused to see what was happening right under their nose. Although I know there is never a problem with one aggressor, I feel like they really are most of the problem.
I did try over and over, trying to "mend" things with them. they are my parents afterall. many, many text messages, many phone calls, all my father trying to change my way of thinking, telling me he is positive i'll be a much better parent, but that my dogs don't count (which by the way, i've never claimed to be parents to my 4legged pets). it's always something with my parents, and with the death of my brother, things have only gotten worse- eveything is "woe is me"…and it's frankly, pathetic.

how can i get past this constant feeling that I HAVE to be a part of my parents' life? My ulta-conservative-christian family members are trying to push me into having their "one life, one set of parents" mentality…

help!