What do you do when you don’t like the kids of the man you married? I married a great guy 3 years ago, love of my life, but his kids drive me up the wall. They’re disrespectful to him (not to me yet, but I’m sure that’s coming), demanding, and spoiled. Worse, I just don’t like them as people. They’ll all be out of the home in about 5 years but that’s 5 years too long. How do I survive?

Dear Reader,

This is a common complaint that I get from stepparents. There is a lot to tease apart here:

• Many stepmothers feel guilty that they don’t like their stepchildren. Most women are raised to feel like they’re going to love being a mother and therefore feel confused and self-critical when those feelings don’t spring eternal for their husband’s kids. Guilt and self-criticism are hard on oneself and hard on a marriage. Work to accept that you feel the way that you feel and that that doesn’t make you a bad person.

• Sometimes stepchildren are difficult or unlikable as an expression of loyalty to the parent who isn’t in the home. Their guilt about being close to you may make them feel more conflicted about having you like them and of them liking you. Assume it will take some time for a relationship to develop. Maybe years. Don’t assume that it will go quickly.

• While you don’t have to love them, you should try to find some common ground with them. Not only is this important for them, it is key to your having a life in a blended family.  So, see if you can find something, ANYTHING, that you might have in common. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy: a TV show, a musical artist, a love of a certain kind of food, an author–just some toehold of similarity and compatibility to build a relationship from.

• Let your husband know what bothers you the most about their behavior. If they hog the television, talk on the cell phone during dinner, talk over each other all of the time, ask him to step in more. But don’t assume that he can change all of their behavior to accommodate you. If he can change even some of their behavior, that’s a good thing. However, if they behave in ways that are directly disrespectful to you, it’s better for you to set limits with them yourself in the same way that you would set limits with anyone else.

I recently saw your appearance on ABC-TV where you stated that it is important for both parents, no matter what the circumstances leading to deciding to divorce, to tell the children it is a mutual decision. I can understand your reason for this yet I have this question. For me, choosing to divorce is a destruction of a child’s safe, protected, secure world of a stable family. I would like them to think that at least one of the most important people in their lives would not choose to do that to them but sought to preserve their world as they knew it. I do not want them to be angry at their father, I would seek to encourage their relationship as much as I am able. But somehow making it appear as if we are both willingly breaking up their home makes me feel they are left feeling that their security is not important enough to either one of their parents. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your question. This is a very common point of pain and confusion for parents.

Especially, if you don’t want your marriage to end or because  your spouse behaved in ways that were very painful to you and led to your wanting to end the marriage.

And you make a good point, why wouldn’t it feel better for children to feel like one of their parents wanted to keep the family together, rather than both of them agreeing to break it up? The reason is that children don’t really care that much about whose fault it is, or whether one parent wanted to keep the family together or behaved reasonably and the other didn’t. Children are much more interested in knowing the answers to the following questions when their parents are planning to divorce:

1. Is it my fault?
2. If you can fall out of love with each other, can you fall out of love with me?
3. If you don’t like my Mom or Dad’s behavior and want to leave them, will you leave me if you don’t like my behavior?
4. Do we have to move?
5. Do I get to go to the same school?
6. How often will I get to see the parent who’s moving out?
7. If Mom or Dad remarries or starts dating someone new, will they love that person more than me?
8. Am I being disloyal to Mom or Dad if I like their new spouse or significant other?
9. Will there be enough money for me to continue to do the things that give me pleasure?
10. If you hate my Mom or Dad, do I have to, too?
11. Do I have to take care of you now that Mom or Dad has gone?
12. Is it selfish of me to not want to take care of you and just think about myself?

The reason that explaining your innocence or dedication to the marriage in light of the other parent’s behavior is that it pitches you as the good guy and the other parent as the bad guy. “Well, what if that’s true?” you may rightly ask. “What if the marriage is ending because my spouse was a lying, cheating, terrible person and I was actually a dedicated parent and spouse?” Well, fair enough, but if that’s the case, your children will likely discover that for themselves when they’re older. And, if not, you can tell them that when they’re older. Much older. Old enough to have had time to grow and develop as individuals without being pulled into the almost inevitable loyalty conflict that even a good divorce brings.

Because, as much as you may dislike or even hate your spouse, your children probably still love him. And their love for him is the same as their love for themselves. It can’t be separated out. They have a right, a need to love, admire, and respect him because it helps them to love, admire, and respect themselves.

It’s a lot to swallow, I know. But, it’s a bit of what we signed up for when we became parents, however unknowing we were of what we would one day, be asked to do.

That said, sex addiction is a real disorder and those who suffer from it are in genuine need of both help and support. Sexual addiction is characterized by feeling out of control, engaging in self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior, and using the behavior to cope with underlying feelings of anxiety and poor self-image. It may be harder to empathize with someone who looks like they have no reason to feel inadequate. However, many of the qualities that might drive someone to become famous or wealthy are the same that would cause them to act out; that is, a powerful desire to disprove ongoing feelings of shame and inadequacy.

6) Negatively compare your partner out loud to your previous spouse or partners.
7) Expect your sex life to be like it was when you were dating or when you were eighteen.
Ignore or insensitively handle your partner’s requests concerning what excites them.
9) Have your children sleep in the same bed as you or stay up so late that sex is guaranteed not to happen.
10) Don’t work on your communication and affection in the rest of your marriage.
11) Don’t prioritize your own needs because that way you’re guaranteed to be  too exhausted and stressed out to make love.

Did I miss anything?

Here are a few recommendations when you start to get upset:

* Breathe slowly and deeply.

* Pay attention to your self-talk. Don’t catastrophize or generalize. Assume that your spouse or partner has their own valid reasons for their feelings or behaviors, however inexpertly expressed.

* Use a soothing tone when you talk to yourself, much as you would when trying to calm a distressed child.

* Take a time-out so you can collect your thoughts and give your physiology time to settle. Studies show that once your heart rate goes even 10 beats per minute faster than usual your ability to think begins to decrease.

If you have a very difficult time regulating your emotions in relationships, find a therapist and work on it. Expecting a partner to always be able to soothe you can unfairly burden your relationship.

“Just six years after the enactment of Title IX (the law mandating that schools that receive federal money are required to have athletic programs for girls), the percentage of girls playing team sports had jumped sixfold, to 25 percent from about 4 percent.” One of the researchers, economist Betsey Stevenson “found that the changes set in motion by Title IX explained about 20 percent of the increase in women’s education and about 40 percent of the rise in employment for 25-to-34-year-old women.”

Why would this be the case?

I suspect it has to do with women’s persistent socialization toward being sensitive to other’s feelings and needs. In the past, women who stepped outside of that boundary were viewed as being tomboyish, aggressive, or “not very ladylike.” This appears to be changing. These days, women who are still heavily influenced by this belief system are hampered later down the line when they have to compete for educational or career advancement.  Young women who are able to see that competition, aggressiveness, and leadership are not only tolerable, but experiences to be enjoyed are better equipped to advocate for themselves not only in athletics, but in other important parts of their lives as well.

Our 21 yr old just announced she is getting married in 5 months (not pregnant) to her 2 yr companion and addict boyfriend.  We dislike him and his family-there is nothing positive to say about him. We have always had a good relationship with her (so I thought) until this guy came into the picture. Should we participate in the wedding? Should we try to pay for it? (we’ve been unemployed for 3 years now & husband is on disability). Should we ‘bless’ this union even though I get sick thinking about it?  I’d rather her continue to live with him than marry him – he is so low & has threatened us. She totally supports his actions – not ours.  Her perception has always been “off” and with her multiple disabilities, she will never see clearly.  We’ve been accused of being controlling, but we have her best interests in our hearts & she needs protecting b/c of her learning disabilities.  Please help!

Dear Reader,

It is very tough on parents when they a) don’t like their future daughter- or son-in-law and b) believe that their child is making a very serious mistake in marrying that person. From my perspective, it’s rarely productive to come out and say, “I don’t like your fiancé.”

She, for whatever reason loves him and if you say it in that way, you place her in a potential loyalty conflict between her love for him and her love for you. At 21, this is not a battle that you’re likely to win.

HOW DO I VOICE MY CONCERNS?

On the other hand, I believe that parents have the right to say, in a loving way, what their concerns are ONCE before their child of any age gets married. So, you might say something like the following: “It’s obvious that you really love him (here, dear reader, try to say something about what she might see in him as hard as that is. But continuing…) “You know that he has threatened us and so far, you have allied with him. Sometimes people ally with their spouses or fiancés because they don’t know how to defend themselves or defend their parents. On the other hand, maybe you’re allying with him because you’re more angry at us than we realized.” I would ask her which it is (it’s probably the former but she’ll probably say it’s the latter). If she says the latter I would hear her out, try to empathize with her complaints about you, and suggest a few meetings with a family therapist (with or without her betrothed) to bring more of these issues to the surface.

I would then say something like, “We want to support your marriage but you know that we can’t allow ourselves to be threatened by anyone. You have to understand that as much as we love and support you, if at any time we believe that our life or well-being are in danger, we’ll call the police in a heartbeat. I’m sure you understand that and I would expect you to do the same, if you were ever threatened by anyone.” I add the latter part because if he has threatened you, he will probably threaten her at some point.

You should go on to say:

“Also, he seems like he has some problems with drugs and alcohol. Am I right?” If she says no, then you can give a few examples of what leads you to believe he’s an addict. If she says yes then you can ask her how she believes his addictions will play out in the coming months or years. If you’re on good terms with your daughter and she’ll take your feedback, you could tell her that you believe that addictive problems and marriage don’t mix very well. That marriage requires a fair amount of selflessness, and that addictions, by their nature, are a self-centered enterprise.

So, he has threatened you, he’s an addict, and your daughter has learning disabilities and other issues which interfere with her judgment. I could see why you’d be concerned. Should you refuse to go to the wedding? I say, assuming that your safety isn’t an issue, that you should go. This is because we have much more influence over our adult children if they see us as allies rather than as adversaries, however impossible the bind they place us in. If you don’t go to the wedding, she may feel so unsupported or rejected by you that it may eradicate any wisdom you’ll have to offer later down the line, when this very fragile marriage begins to fall apart. And, rightly or wrongly she has already complained that you’re too controlling, so protesting this union by refusing to attend may cause her to misperceive your behavior as more evidence of that.

Should you pay for the wedding? Since you’re both unemployed and your husband is on disability I would say that you probably can’t afford to pay for it. In general, I don’t recommend that parents go into debt to pay for their children’s weddings if they will have a hard time paying them off. But, you should offer to help in any way that you can. If you have the means to pay for part of it without a lot of hardship, then I might do that. The main issue here is showing your daughter that you are her ally and that you support her even when you think she’s making a terrible mistake, as it clearly sounds like she is here.

What do other readers think?

We have known for a long time that there is an ongoing interaction between parenting and the genetics of the child (and, the parent’s genes, since their genes will affect their parenting behavior). Recent models argued that the genes that produced vulnerabilty to aggressive acting out, anti-social behavior, depression, or anxiety could be turned off by good parenting. Or, stated differently, that those genes were more likely to be turned on in the face of abuse or neglect. The new research shows, however, that the same genes that can produce problematic behavior, can, in a nurturing setting, not only cause these children to do as well as the dandelions, but to do even better. You read it right. The same children who are the most genetically at risk for behavioral problems, with nurturing parents, do better as adults than their easier-to-raise siblings.

The challenge for parents of difficult children is that it’s harder to be nurturing to a difficult child than an easy child. Most parents of difficult children feel like no matter what they do, it’s wrong. However, being a nurturing parent doesn’t mean being a perfect parent. Here are some recommendations.

TIPS FOR PARENTING THE DIFFICULT CHILD

* Talk to other parents with difficult children. Nothing is more discouraging to a parent with a difficult child than to only spend time with parents who have easy kids.

* Spend 15-20 minutes a day doing something that is pleasurable to your child. Difficult children sometimes make it harder to be close to them because of their defiance, aggression, or moodiness. However, spending quality time doing something of their choosing is not only good for calming them down, it also gets you out of the role as disciplinarian. And children benefit from the quality time even if they’re still difficult during that time.

* Try to emphasize rewards over punishment. Difficult kids constantly test our patience and can draw a lot more punishment from us. My favorite book on this topic is by Yale psychologist Alan Kazdin titled The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.  Even if your child isn’t difficult, there is plenty of great parenting advice.

Click here to read more about genetics, parenting, and children.