Comments for Dr. Joshua Coleman http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com Speaker, Author & Psychologist Fri, 03 Feb 2012 22:30:26 +0000 hourly 1 Comment on Communicating with Estranged Adult Child: Why Do I Have to Hold Back? by Gina http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/03/communicating-with-estranged-adult-child-why-do-i-have-to-hold-back/comment-page-2/#comment-11664 Gina Fri, 03 Feb 2012 22:30:26 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=940#comment-11664 Chris You shouldn't assume that everyone's situation is like your own. Ok, in your case, if what you say is true, then your parents were violent, and that was certainly reason enough to end the relationship, particularly if your parents are unwilling to discuss it or make amends. But what does that have to do with Sheila Rankin's situation? Violence is one thing--imperfection is another. I don't know if you are a parent yourself, but if you are, then you're going to find that out. Frankly, I question your motivation in participating in this discussion forum. Are you trying to get back at your own parents by blasting somebody else? Why don't you find a forum for adult children of abusive parents? Chris
You shouldn’t assume that everyone’s situation is like your own. Ok, in your case, if what you say is true, then your parents were violent, and that was certainly reason enough to end the relationship, particularly if your parents are unwilling to discuss it or make amends. But what does that have to do with Sheila Rankin’s situation?
Violence is one thing–imperfection is another. I don’t know if you are a parent yourself, but if you are, then you’re going to find that out.
Frankly, I question your motivation in participating in this discussion forum. Are you trying to get back at your own parents by blasting somebody else? Why don’t you find a forum for adult children of abusive parents?

]]> Comment on Communicating with Estranged Adult Child: Why Do I Have to Hold Back? by Gina http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/03/communicating-with-estranged-adult-child-why-do-i-have-to-hold-back/comment-page-2/#comment-11662 Gina Fri, 03 Feb 2012 22:07:12 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=940#comment-11662 Dear Anonymous and Anonymous Too Although you are writing from the adult child's point of view, and I am a parent, I relate very much to your stories. The emotions and details of our stories are very similar: feeling hurt, disappointed and rejected in response to the loved one's indifference, unkindness, ambivalence/mixed messages, no time for you, and, even, contempt. My 29 yr-old daughter cut me out of her life a year and a half ago, following a 4-yr period (approx.) of increasing hostility on her part, which was nearly identical to what you have described. (Previous to that, we were very close--perhaps she has managed to put this out of her mind...). I won't go into more details for now--let me just say that she gave me an ultimatum: that I had to "get help", if I wanted to keep her in my life. Yes, I have made some mistakes. I admitted them, apologized for them, then sought help for my problems--as she demanded. But she still won't talk to me. I have left phone messages and sent birthday and anniversary cards. Recently, she gave birth to her first child (I only found out she was pregnant from other family). I sent a package of gifts for the baby, her husband, and herself, with a sincere letter of apology. I have heard nothing from her. Although our roles and circumstances are different, I feel there is a lot of common ground between us; essentially, we are all trying to please and/or make peace with someone who obviously has no interest in us, has no intention of changing their behaviour because they do not value the relationship, at least at the present time. In your case--actions speak louder than words, don't they? It is inconceivable to me that a grandparent could be so indifferent and uncaring towards their 12 yr-old grandson. I can tell you, if my daughter ever contacted me--if she ever let me see my baby granddaughter, I would weep with joy. Have your fathers always been this way? How awful it must have been to grow up with a parent like that. You say you have achieved happiness in other areas of your life, with loving families of your own--well, I congratulate you! I guess my main point is that some relationships are just a no-win situation. You cannot ever please a person who enjoys finding fault so much--even, or perhaps especially, if they are obviously interested and loving to others in the family. Believe me, if my daughter was willing to go to family therapy, I would be overjoyed at the chance to repair our relationship. Judging from the way your parents are treating you, I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask them to do the same, although it doesn't sound like they would be receptive. But I hope you care enough about yourselves and your own families to at least set some limits with them; for example, to say something like, "Enough is enough--if you cannot at least be civil and polite, I can't talk to you. If you change your mind about this, please let me know." Reading your stories has reminded me that some people are just mean or cruel by nature, whether they are parents or adult children (or teenagers). No one is perfect, and virtually no relationships are conflict-free, but both parties have to have at least some insight and willingness to compromise to make a relationship work--in other words, to be honest and demonstrate some good faith, to show that the relationship with the other is important. Thank you for sharing. Dear Anonymous and Anonymous Too
Although you are writing from the adult child’s point of view, and I am a parent, I relate very much to your stories. The emotions and details of our stories are very similar: feeling hurt, disappointed and rejected in response to the loved one’s indifference, unkindness, ambivalence/mixed messages, no time for you, and, even, contempt.
My 29 yr-old daughter cut me out of her life a year and a half ago, following a 4-yr period (approx.) of increasing hostility on her part, which was nearly identical to what you have described. (Previous to that, we were very close–perhaps she has managed to put this out of her mind…).
I won’t go into more details for now–let me just say that she gave me an ultimatum: that I had to “get help”, if I wanted to keep her in my life.
Yes, I have made some mistakes. I admitted them, apologized for them, then sought help for my problems–as she demanded. But she still won’t talk to me. I have left phone messages and sent birthday and anniversary cards. Recently, she gave birth to her first child (I only found out she was pregnant from other family). I sent a package of gifts for the baby, her husband, and herself, with a sincere letter of apology. I have heard nothing from her.
Although our roles and circumstances are different, I feel there is a lot of common ground between us; essentially, we are all trying to please and/or make peace with someone who obviously has no interest in us, has no intention of changing their behaviour because they do not value the relationship, at least at the present time.
In your case–actions speak louder than words, don’t they? It is inconceivable to me that a grandparent could be so indifferent and uncaring towards their 12 yr-old grandson. I can tell you, if my daughter ever contacted me–if she ever let me see my baby granddaughter, I would weep with joy.
Have your fathers always been this way? How awful it must have been to grow up with a parent like that. You say you have achieved happiness in other areas of your life, with loving families of your own–well, I congratulate you!
I guess my main point is that some relationships are just a no-win situation. You cannot ever please a person who enjoys finding fault so much–even, or perhaps especially, if they are obviously interested and loving to others in the family.
Believe me, if my daughter was willing to go to family therapy, I would be overjoyed at the chance to repair our relationship. Judging from the way your parents are treating you, I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask them to do the same, although it doesn’t sound like they would be receptive. But I hope you care enough about yourselves and your own families to at least set some limits with them; for example, to say something like, “Enough is enough–if you cannot at least be civil and polite, I can’t talk to you. If you change your mind about this, please let me know.”
Reading your stories has reminded me that some people are just mean or cruel by nature, whether they are parents or adult children (or teenagers). No one is perfect, and virtually no relationships are conflict-free, but both parties have to have at least some insight and willingness to compromise to make a relationship work–in other words, to be honest and demonstrate some good faith, to show that the relationship with the other is important.
Thank you for sharing.

]]> Comment on Communicating with Estranged Adult Child: Why Do I Have to Hold Back? by sarah ellis http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/03/communicating-with-estranged-adult-child-why-do-i-have-to-hold-back/comment-page-2/#comment-11609 sarah ellis Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:41:25 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=940#comment-11609 Here here , boy do I agree with you ! Here here , boy do I agree with you !

]]> Comment on Communicating with Estranged Adult Child: Why Do I Have to Hold Back? by sarah ellis http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/03/communicating-with-estranged-adult-child-why-do-i-have-to-hold-back/comment-page-2/#comment-11607 sarah ellis Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:31:09 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=940#comment-11607 OMG I am almost in the same situation . The pain is just too much to bare. OMG I am almost in the same situation . The pain is just too much to bare.

]]> Comment on Estranged Parents Featured in NYT’s Article: When The Ties That Bind Unravel by buddyroe http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/05/estranged-parents-featured-in-nyts-article-when-the-ties-that-bind-unravel/comment-page-1/#comment-11569 buddyroe Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:52:15 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=1022#comment-11569 Parents aren't perfect, but most of the people posting on here will one day regret the estrangement. Even if you don't have a relationship with you parents, you should at least let them know you are alive. They at least deserve that much. Do it before it's too late. You may one day reap what you have sown with your own children. Just remember, one day you may be the parent who is hurt and bewildered. Parents aren’t perfect, but most of the people posting on here will one day regret the estrangement. Even if you don’t have a relationship with you parents, you should at least let them know you are alive. They at least deserve that much. Do it before it’s too late. You may one day reap what you have sown with your own children. Just remember, one day you may be the parent who is hurt and bewildered.

]]> Comment on Communicating with Estranged Adult Child: Why Do I Have to Hold Back? by Anonymous http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/03/communicating-with-estranged-adult-child-why-do-i-have-to-hold-back/comment-page-2/#comment-11544 Anonymous Sun, 29 Jan 2012 02:07:09 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=940#comment-11544 Well said!!!! Well said!!!!

]]> Comment on Communicating with Estranged Adult Child: Why Do I Have to Hold Back? by chrissy http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/03/communicating-with-estranged-adult-child-why-do-i-have-to-hold-back/comment-page-2/#comment-11528 chrissy Sat, 28 Jan 2012 09:45:55 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=940#comment-11528 Wow, I'm glad I found this forum....it never occured to me to look for one, especially on the subject of estranged adult children. Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think I would end up a sad lonely bitter angery mom! But I am. I am deeply hurt by my second, daughter 28, who will not call or return a call. She used to return a text but wont do that anymore either. My son is also moving in that direction. He and his girlfriend (living together 4yrs) go regularly to see her dad and step mom plus they go spend a week at her moms house every christmas. They didnt even set foot in my house this yr. Its to small to crowded. My daughter and her boyfriend came over for an hr on christmas eve...We live on the same block! and his mom is spending her christmas at my daughters and her boyfriends house! I was so heart sick I could barely stand it. My daughter son and I live in the same town. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. I also have a severly handicapped daughter, my oldest, she lives 2 hrs away. She can do absolutly nothing on her own. I always tred hard to keep the family as balanced as possible. She lived at home for 15 yrs. I bring her home every christmas to be a full family. Its getting harder I getting older. I had hoped to try to maintain contact with her siblings but they dont care. I dont undrstand how they cannot care, or how they can b embarassed of her, they grew up with her. Im so sad. I wish I had never met their Dad in the first place. What a broken sad and lonely outcome. I had always wanted to be a mom and was estatic to discover my first pregnancy was twins, a boy and a girl. Soooo happy. I was gonna go after that big happy family I always wanted.... That all fell apart. The first twin was a full term still born baby boy. No explaination....and my girl....severly brain damaged after being subjected to a vag birth. My husband wanted to leave her at the hosp...We did bring her home eventually...My second daughter, was my joy! She was born alive. My delight and what an easycdelightvshecwas. What a horrible mess now. My kids are 29,28,23. I wouldnt recommend marriage or children to anyone. Now I am trying to figureout whats left of me and what to build on that might lead me back to caring about something and leave this pain and life experience behind. When I was young I thought Id have an encouraging readers digest story at this age...haha. Cannot believe this...We r all devided up...My handicapped daughter can still come home at times...I dont know if she knows shes here but I love it on her good days when she smiles and makes happy sounds. Maybe the tears will stop...they are slowing down at least. I have wondered if this behavior could be genetic. My brother is estranged from me. I asked him one time, did you hate mexwhen we were growing up? He told me it was because I was born. Hed had mom all to himself then I showed up and ruined everything. I was stunned! He never calls plus he is also estranged from his son. My father was a teacer...but I had a hard time ever getting close to him. My mom was always easier and guess what? when I was young I pushed my mom awY too. I didnt want much to do with her. I really dont know why now. Now I pray often that she will forgive me and that shes not suffering in hell from bitterness I may have inflicted her with. I was at her bedside when she died many yrs ago.Now...I want to talk to her desperatly and tell her how dreadfully sorry I am! And beg her for forgiveness. How I pray for a miracle here and that my children dont end up withe this remorse. Chrissy Wow, I’m glad I found this forum….it never occured to me to look for one, especially on the subject of estranged adult children. Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think I would end up a sad lonely bitter angery mom! But I am. I am deeply hurt by my second, daughter 28, who will not call or return a call. She used to return a text but wont do that anymore either. My son is also moving in that direction. He and his girlfriend (living together 4yrs) go regularly to see her dad and step mom plus they go spend a week at her moms house every christmas. They didnt even set foot in my house this yr. Its to small to crowded. My daughter and her boyfriend came over for an hr on christmas eve…We live on the same block! and his mom is spending her christmas at my daughters and her boyfriends house! I was so heart sick I could barely stand it. My daughter son and I live in the same town. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. I also have a severly handicapped daughter, my oldest, she lives 2 hrs away. She can do absolutly nothing on her own. I always tred hard to keep the family as balanced as possible. She lived at home for 15 yrs. I bring her home every christmas to be a full family. Its getting harder I getting older. I had hoped to try to maintain contact with her siblings but they dont care. I dont undrstand how they cannot care, or how they can b embarassed of her, they grew up with her. Im so sad. I wish I had never met their Dad in the first place. What a broken sad and lonely outcome. I had always wanted to be a mom and was estatic to discover my first pregnancy was twins, a boy and a girl. Soooo happy. I was gonna go after that big happy family I always wanted…. That all fell apart. The first twin was a full term still born baby boy. No explaination….and my girl….severly brain damaged after being subjected to a vag birth. My husband wanted to leave her at the hosp…We did bring her home eventually…My second daughter, was my joy! She was born alive. My delight and what an easycdelightvshecwas. What a horrible mess now. My kids are 29,28,23. I wouldnt recommend marriage or children to anyone. Now I am trying to figureout whats left of me and what to build on that might lead me back to caring about something and leave this pain and life experience behind. When I was young I thought Id have an encouraging readers digest story at this age…haha. Cannot believe this…We r all devided up…My handicapped daughter can still come home at times…I dont know if she knows shes here but I love it on her good days when she smiles and makes happy sounds.
Maybe the tears will stop…they are slowing down at least.
I have wondered if this behavior could be genetic. My brother is estranged from me. I asked him one time, did you hate mexwhen we were growing up? He told me it was because I was born. Hed had mom all to himself then I showed up and ruined everything. I was stunned! He never calls plus he is also estranged from his son. My father was a teacer…but I had a hard time ever getting close to him. My mom was always easier and guess what? when I was young I pushed my mom awY too. I didnt want much to do with her. I really dont know why now. Now I pray often that she will forgive me and that shes not suffering in hell from bitterness I may have inflicted her with. I was at her bedside when she died many yrs ago.Now…I want to talk to her desperatly and tell her how dreadfully sorry I am! And beg her for forgiveness.
How I pray for a miracle here and that my children dont end up withe this remorse.
Chrissy

]]> Comment on Communicating with Estranged Adult Child: Why Do I Have to Hold Back? by chrissy http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/03/communicating-with-estranged-adult-child-why-do-i-have-to-hold-back/comment-page-2/#comment-11526 chrissy Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:55:22 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=940#comment-11526 the pictures are legally your property, you probably bought the film and paid for the photos. get them anyway you can. then if u have the money and time you can copy them all and give a copy of your album to your son. people often think a pic of themself is theirs...thats not the case. the pictures are legally your property, you probably bought the film and paid for the photos. get them anyway you can. then if u have the money and time you can copy them all and give a copy of your album to your son.
people often think a pic of themself is theirs…thats not the case.

]]> Comment on Communicating with Estranged Adult Child: Why Do I Have to Hold Back? by Kate http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2010/03/communicating-with-estranged-adult-child-why-do-i-have-to-hold-back/comment-page-2/#comment-11499 Kate Thu, 26 Jan 2012 16:52:31 +0000 http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=940#comment-11499 We were married for 17 yrs. Had a very ugly divorce. Our daughter was 15 at the time, I had to talk to her about being respectful to her Dad, she did not want to go to his home, he remarried. She didn't want to get on the phone when he called. I Never put him down to her or in front of her or even if she was in the home, kids overhear everything! After about 2 months she started seeing her dad a weekend here and there. One weekend she came home and had a hateful, different attitude with me and said I want to go live with my Dad....hmmm after much thought I thought ok as a trial period (believing she would not stay)...After 2 weeks she wanted to move in with him. Much thought again I thought OK if I keep her from it she will want it more, but she will be back...She moved, I talked to her many times a day and seen her 3 or 4 times a week, we were still very close. Slowly as time went by she wouldnt call as much or take my calls as much, visits became less and less. Then one day her cell phone had been changed and she emailed me saying she would call me if she wanted to talk but for me not to call her or come by she didnt want to see me...At 16 I gave her a 16th Birthday Party but she was very distant from me. After that she has NOT spoke to me or seen me....She will not be my friend on FB, she wont write to me, she wont talk to me, she wont come to the door the 50x's I have went there and knocked on the door. I have sent cards every month and letters, just thinking of you, love you, Bday Christmas. Not only has she X ed me out but she has the same behavior towards all my family aunts uncles cousins grandparents friends, she has NOTHING to do with any of us...Then last April 2011 I find out via FB that she HAS a baby...She had a little boy Jan 2011, never knew she was expecting, never knew she had a son, NOTHING, I was in shock...Still to this day, my Grandbaby just turned 1yr, never held him kissed him nothing, She wont even acknowledge me. My heart has been crushed, this is the little girl that was attached to my leg 24/7 we read books together went to church together school functions everything. I use to worry how she was going to grow up and mature because she was do dependent on me...I did order this book When Parents Hurt but have not got it yet. Any wise advise? My love for her is unconditional I love her always and Yes her actions have hurt me greatly but I will let love win not the enemy. I would not have guessed or believed this to happen EVER....She is 19 now 20 in april and I cant believe i have missed so much of her life ; ( ........... We were married for 17 yrs. Had a very ugly divorce. Our daughter was 15 at the time, I had to talk to her about being respectful to her Dad, she did not want to go to his home, he remarried. She didn’t want to get on the phone when he called. I Never put him down to her or in front of her or even if she was in the home, kids overhear everything! After about 2 months she started seeing her dad a weekend here and there. One weekend she came home and had a hateful, different attitude with me and said I want to go live with my Dad….hmmm after much thought I thought ok as a trial period (believing she would not stay)…After 2 weeks she wanted to move in with him. Much thought again I thought OK if I keep her from it she will want it more, but she will be back…She moved, I talked to her many times a day and seen her 3 or 4 times a week, we were still very close. Slowly as time went by she wouldnt call as much or take my calls as much, visits became less and less. Then one day her cell phone had been changed and she emailed me saying she would call me if she wanted to talk but for me not to call her or come by she didnt want to see me…At 16 I gave her a 16th Birthday Party but she was very distant from me. After that she has NOT spoke to me or seen me….She will not be my friend on FB, she wont write to me, she wont talk to me, she wont come to the door the 50x’s I have went there and knocked on the door. I have sent cards every month and letters, just thinking of you, love you, Bday Christmas. Not only has she X ed me out but she has the same behavior towards all my family aunts uncles cousins grandparents friends, she has NOTHING to do with any of us…Then last April 2011 I find out via FB that she HAS a baby…She had a little boy Jan 2011, never knew she was expecting, never knew she had a son, NOTHING, I was in shock…Still to this day, my Grandbaby just turned 1yr, never held him kissed him nothing, She wont even acknowledge me. My heart has been crushed, this is the little girl that was attached to my leg 24/7 we read books together went to church together school functions everything. I use to worry how she was going to grow up and mature because she was do dependent on me…I did order this book When Parents Hurt but have not got it yet. Any wise advise? My love for her is unconditional I love her always and Yes her actions have hurt me greatly but I will let love win not the enemy. I would not have guessed or believed this to happen EVER….She is 19 now 20 in april and I cant believe i have missed so much of her life ; ( ………..

]]> Comment on Today Show by Stella Vera http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/2007/12/today-show-video/comment-page-1/#comment-11498 Stella Vera Thu, 26 Jan 2012 13:22:42 +0000 http://drjoshuacoleman.com/?p=45#comment-11498 Dr. Coleman, I would like to be the one contrarian to the comments above and say simply this: Sometimes parents are toxic. Sometimes they have personality disorders or emotional dysregulation that makes them impossible to have a relationship with. And for the adult child this is incredibly sad and painful. Who wants to cut off a relationship with their parent unless absolutely necessary for their own emotional survival? No one. And yet----many parents of adult children will not look at themselves and question what THEY may have contributed to the soured relationship. Because they can't. Mental illness is a powerful thing. Just another point of view. Stella Dr. Coleman,

I would like to be the one contrarian to the comments above and say simply this:

Sometimes parents are toxic. Sometimes they have personality disorders or emotional dysregulation that makes them impossible to have a relationship with. And for the adult child this is incredibly sad and painful. Who wants to cut off a relationship with their parent unless absolutely necessary for their own emotional survival? No one.

And yet—-many parents of adult children will not look at themselves and question what THEY may have contributed to the soured relationship. Because they can’t. Mental illness is a powerful thing.

Just another point of view.

Stella

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