Every parent with more than one child knows that similar parenting does not always produce similar children. Children come into the world genetically blessed or cursed with traits that may either serve them or put them into harm’s way. Recent research has helped identify the genes that cause some children to be more resilient regardless of how they are treated by their parents. Researchers refer to them as “dandelion children” referencing the notion that they can bloom in almost any environment. Common-sense would predict that these kids would be the most successful. And often they are. They are only surpassed in adulthood by a group of children that are being labelled “orchid children.” These children require far more careful parental intervention and nurturance, but when they do, can bloom spectacularly. Read More
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Advice for Couples: Self-Soothing
One of the most important behaviors that you have to learn to be in a couple is the ability to soothe yourself when you get hurt or provoked. If you grew up in a family that was chaotic or where there was ongoing neglect or abuse, this will likely require more effort on your part than if your parents were loving and supportive. This is because the ability to self-soothe is typically something that we internalize from our caregivers.
Here are a few recommendations when you start to get upset:
* Breathe slowly and deeply.
* Pay attention to your self-talk. Don’t catastrophize or generalize. Assume that your spouse or partner has their own valid reasons for their feelings or behaviors, however inexpertly expressed.
* Use a soothing tone when you talk to yourself, much as you would when trying to calm a distressed child.
* Take a time-out so you can collect your thoughts and give your physiology time to settle. Studies show that once your heart rate goes even 10 beats per minute faster than usual your ability to think begins to decrease.
If you have a very difficult time regulating your emotions in relationships, find a therapist and work on it. Expecting a partner to always be able to soothe you can unfairly burden your relationship.