Category Archives: Recommended Links

Advice for Couples: Self-Soothing

One of the most important behaviors that you have to learn to be in a couple is the ability to soothe yourself when you get hurt or provoked.  If you grew up in a family that was chaotic or where there was ongoing neglect or abuse, this will likely require more effort on your part than if your parents were loving and supportive. This is because the ability to self-soothe is typically something that we internalize from our caregivers.

Here are a few recommendations when you start to get upset:

* Breathe slowly and deeply.

* Pay attention to your self-talk. Don’t catastrophize or generalize. Assume that your spouse or partner has their own valid reasons for their feelings or behaviors, however inexpertly expressed.

* Use a soothing tone when you talk to yourself, much as you would when trying to calm a distressed child.

* Take a time-out so you can collect your thoughts and give your physiology time to settle. Studies show that once your heart rate goes even 10 beats per minute faster than usual your ability to think begins to decrease.

If you have a very difficult time regulating your emotions in relationships, find a therapist and work on it. Expecting a partner to always be able to soothe you can unfairly burden your relationship.

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Your Difficult Child May Be Your Most Successful Child

Every parent with more than one child knows that similar parenting does not always produce similar children. Children come into the world genetically blessed or cursed with traits that may either serve them or put them into harm’s way. Recent research has helped identify the genes that cause some children to be more resilient regardless of how they are treated by their parents. Researchers refer to them as “dandelion children” referencing the notion that they can bloom in almost any environment. Common-sense would predict that these kids would be the most successful. And often they are. They are only surpassed in adulthood by a group of children that are being labelled “orchid children.” These children require far more careful parental intervention and nurturance, but when they do, can bloom spectacularly. Read More »

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What Do Kids Really Think About Their Working Parents?

On Feb 10th,  I was on Fem2.0 Blog Radio with host Ellen Galinsky and guest Lisa Belkin.  Ellen Galinsky is President and Co-Founder of the Families and Work Institute and author of the forthcoming book, MINDS IN THE MAKING: The Seven Essential Skills Every Child Must Learn (HarperStudio). Lisa Belkin is a New York Times Magazine writer and author of the popular Motherlode blog at the New York Times. She is also the author of three books, including “Life’s Work: Confessions of an Unbalanced Mom.” It was a really stimulating discussion and I highly recommend it.

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Sesame Street

Shifting Roles During the Economic Downturn

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Fighting in Front of the Children

Many parents worry about whether they’re hurting their kids by fighting in front of them. Join Dr. Coleman on View from the Bay as he discusses the Do’s and Don’ts!

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Talking with Kids About Infidelity

What do you tell your kids when they find out that one of their parents has had an affair? How does the discover of an affair affect a child? Can families ever recover?

Listen to the recording of Dr. Coleman and psychotherapist Susan Berger, MFT on Childhood Matters Radio with host Rona Renner KISS 98.1FM San Francisco

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Healing from an Affair

If your marriage or relationship is struggling with the aftermath of an affair, read Dr. Coleman’s article in Greater Good Magazine. Many relationships can be saved after an affair, but it requires that both people work hard to heal the relationship. This article shows you the steps you need to take in order to do that. It also discusses when to consider giving up.  Greater Good Magazine is part of the Greater Good Science Center, at the University of California, Berkeley.

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Charlie Gibson of Good Morning America interviews Dr. Coleman on Men, Housework, and Parenting

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How to Tell Your Kids You Are Getting Divorced: Janelle Wang and Spencer Christian Interview

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Today Show: Being in Love

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