WHEN IS FIGHTING IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN BAD?

1) WHEN IT NEVER OR RARELY RESOLVES: One of most important things that children want is the freedom to enjoy their own lives without having to worry about their parents. Studies show that when children believe that their parents have resolved a fight, they do far better than when they believe their parents are chronically mad or hurt by the other.

2) WHEN PARENTS MAKE THE CHILDREN TAKE SIDES: You should never get your children to take sides with you, whether you’re married or divorced. You should also never malign your partner to your children. If you’re married to a partner who is troubled, then there are ways that you’ll need to intervene to protect your children. If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll discuss how in a future article.

3) WHEN THE CHILDREN ARE BLAMED OR IMPLICATED: Children are very vulnerable to believing that their parents’ problems are their fault. Therefore, when parents subtly or directly blame children for their marital conflict, it induces feelings of shame, anxiety, and guilt in them.

WHEN IS FIGHTING IN FRONT OF CHILDREN USEFUL?

Few children enjoy seeing their parents fight. However:

1) CHILDREN NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICT: Conflict is a fact of life for every relationship, but especially with marriage. When parents fight fairly, children learn how to resolve conflict.

2) YOU CAN HAVE CONFLICT AND STILL BE CLOSE: People who grow up with parents who never fought, or who never resolved conflicts, are more likely to carry beliefs into adulthood that conflict spells trouble and that it should either be avoided or engaged as a full-out war.

3) LEARN HOW TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF: We don’t know who our children will marry, and while we hope they’ll marry someone reasonable, they might end up with someone who is really difficult. Watching parents fighting fairly, or, reasonably fairly. and watching them resolving those conflicts provides role modeling of how to be assertive and self-protective in a non-destructive way.

4) LEARN HOW TO APOLOGIZE: Marital researcher John Gottman found that the most successful couples fight from time to time. However, what distinguishes the successful from the unsuccessful is the ratio of positive to negative experiences- a ratio of 5 positive for every negative, to be precise. So, for every argument, there should be 5 following incidents of affection, compliments, appreciation, etc. He also found that the most important aspect of conflict reduction and resolution are repair attempts such as apologizing, soothing your partner, taking responsibility for your end of the fight, and empathizing with the other’s perspective. Parents who fight but then engage in these productive activities show their children some key survival strategies to a good marriage and relationship.