Dr. Coleman was on the Today Show July 6th, talking about parental estrangement. Click here to view the segment.
TELESEMINAR SERIES FOR COUPLES AND PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN AND TEENS
TELESEMINARS FOR ESTRANGED PARENTS
TODAY SHOW: When Parents Hurt
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6 Comments
My daughter is 29. After fifteen years of various forms of abandonment I am sick of this.
Especially after somewhat reconciling with her last summer only to be told to say away indefinitely this Thanksgiving. It was a small slight, and when I tried and tried to apologize she said it only stacked up more time that she would not talk to me. I am particularly distressed because this last time I begged her not to do this. It was affecting my health and job. But she continued to say I was violating her boundaries. Stacking up more time.
I have been going through various degrees of this for fourteen years. Being treated like I am of no consequence. She came to town many times over a decade and only saw me a few of those times. We lived a block away from each other at one point and she treated me like she could barely take time for me. She treats me like I am more of a stranger than her mother.
The past ten years I have been in personal counseling. I have come to terms with my own issues related to my mother. It was a lot of hard work, but I did it. I have accepted personal responsibility for anything I may have done to hurt my daughter and told her. Told her she can share anything without fear of reprisal. I will accept my role and work on issues.
And this still goes on.
Dr. Coleman. I am sick of it. I have grieved for fourteen years. Off and on as she draws near and then cuts me off. That is a long, long time.
I am at the point where my feelings for this child are changing. I find it hard to love her in my heart. I still tell myself she will snap out of it, but more often I try to put her out of my mind.
Here is the truth. For the first time I do not like my child. I do not have any more patience for this. And I am trying to forget her. Bury this and go on.
Do parents get to this point? You can only take so much.
Thank you.
It has been 5 years since my daughter and I became estranged. I’m heartbroken and confused because once or twice a year she does get in touch with me but nothing comes of it. I did all the usual thing at first, called her, wrote notes, asked forgiveness, everything.
Her Father passed away a few months ago. She didn’t visit him until one day before he died. At the funeral, I went to her and put my arms around her. Later in the parking lot she walked over to me and my sister and wepted. Said she would see me at Christmas, sent two emails and then it all stopped. She and her husbank didn’t go to the burial site, it was a beautiful military funeral. A few years befor he passed, he said “enough is enough” and stopped trying. I am having a terrible time letting it go. Now the holidays are here again. I’m still having a terrible time…
any suggestions?
I agree with Shannon. Going estranged from our parents is not something adult children of abuse take lightly. I disagree that “this generation” is selfish, lazy, has no respect for authority, etc. (Seriously, which generation has never been accused of those things by the previous ones?). Most abusive parents take zero responsibility for their behavior and prefer to blame the times, their adult childrens’ friends, drugs, cults, “evil therapists,” and other “influences” rather than acknowledging their own part in their childrens’ unwillingness to deal with them anymore.
I saw the today show when it aired. I want to understand why adult children who cut contact with their parents were not given a voice?
I went no contact years ago because my mother is a narcissistic personality. She is manipulate, overbearing and controlling. I was never good enough no matter how hard I tried. I went to therapy over and over trying to fix myself. My mother was never interested. Several therapists told me I should go no contact to avoid more damage to myself.
I am sure there are other adult children who have darn good reasons for not having a relationship with their parents.
I don’t assume all parents did this to their children but I also don’t believe its adult brat syndrome either.
My grown children won’t call or visit and my daughter keeps my grandchildren from me. I had my son @18 and my daughter @ 22.I was on welfare and worked for cash babysitting to make ends meet. They had 2 different deadbeat fathers. I finally went to nursing school to better myself and their lives. I thought everything was finally OK because I bettered myself and finally married a stable christian man and i too became a christian in the interim. My parents, my mom and stepdad who abused me on the other hand are alcoholics and my kids totally think the world of them and not me. I thought I turned from this dysfuntional family pattern to better my kids only to find out they would rather be with their drinking, partying, gambling grandparents them me and my husband which breaks my heart as I thought I finally was on the right track only to see they think that my parents dysfunction is better then being with me. I am devastated and depressed. I wrote my son a heart wrenching letter and told him how much I loved him and was sorry for all the bad upbringing I did because I was just too young and didn’t know what i was doing but now I know better and do better. My husband and I also have an 11 yr. old daughter whom they don’t seem to care about either. I want my family back and don’t know what to do. My daughter who was close at first, suddenly turned on me right after the birth of my 2nd grandchild. and I don’t know why. I am on antdepressants, am extremely depressed and she saw me take a glass of wine one time during the day and that’s when she said I could only see my grandchildren under strict supervision in her home while she and her husband watched over me and my husband. They live 3 hrs. away and are supposed to be christians too which hurts me more then my son because I feel she should know better. any insight to this dilema and tragedy in my life would be greatly appreciated
I just saw the Today segment on msn.com; it was like a lightening bolt for me. I wonder if Dr. Coleman has any words of wisdom when the estrangement involves an adoptive parent?
Here’s my situation: I have been happily married to my husband for 23 years. He was a widower with 2 young daughters, whom I adopted when we married. Sadly, his late wife was an alcoholic and also used illicit drugs, and in fact she died in a single-car rollover while intoxicated. He never told his daughters the truth about their mother’s problems until they were adults, and even then he minimized them – so they grew up with an idealized picture of her. But I did my best to be a good parent, and always regarded them as my children.
A couple of years ago my youngest daughter, then in her mid-twenties and married, started to shun me. As I write this, she is expecting twins in 3 weeks, and has by now almost completely cut me out of her life. She does not call or email, she doesn’t speak to me when I am present unless she is responding to a direct question, she barely tolerates my presence in the same room, and she is hinting that I will not be considered “Grandma.” I am hurt and bewildered. I plan to do some reading, and perhaps find some counseling, to at least deal with my own feelings, but I confess that I feel pessimistic. It’s a comfort to know that other parents also struggle with alienated children, but it’s still pretty diffidult to comprehend this. Thanks to Dr. Coleman for bringing attention to this important issue.