I Can Not Stand My Stepchildren!

Dear Dr. Coleman,

What do you do when you don’t like the kids of the man you married? I married a great guy 3 years ago, love of my life, but his kids drive me up the wall. They’re disrespectful to him (not to me yet, but I’m sure that’s coming), demanding, and spoiled. Worse, I just don’t like them as people. They’ll all be out of the home in about 5 years but that’s 5 years too long. How do I survive?

Dear Reader,

This is a common complaint that I get from stepparents. There is a lot to tease apart here:

  • Many stepmothers feel guilty that they don’t like their stepchildren. Most women are raised to feel like they’re going to love being a mother and therefore feel confused and self-critical when those feelings don’t spring eternal for their husband’s kids. Guilt and self-criticism are hard on oneself and hard on a marriage. Work to accept that you feel the way that you feel and that that doesn’t make you a bad person.
  • Sometimes stepchildren are difficult or unlikable as an expression of loyalty to the parent who isn’t in the home. Their guilt about being close to you may make them feel more conflicted about having you like them and of them liking you. Assume it will take some time for a relationship to develop. Maybe years. Don’t assume that it will go quickly.
  • While you don’t have to love them, you should try to find some common ground with them. Not only is this important for them, it is key to your having a life in a blended family.  So, see if you can find something, ANYTHING, that you might have in common. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy: a TV show, a musical artist, a love of a certain kind of food, an author–just some toehold of similarity and compatibility to build a relationship from.
  • Let your husband know what bothers you the most about their behavior. If they hog the television, talk on the cell phone during dinner, talk over each other all of the time, ask him to step in more. But don’t assume that he can change all of their behavior to accommodate you. If he can change even some of their behavior, that’s a good thing. However, if they behave in ways that are directly disrespectful to you, it’s better for you to set limits with them yourself in the same way that you would set limits with anyone else.
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118 Comments

  1. thinking separation
    Posted March 18, 2015 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    I have been married for 11 years this May and while I love my husband and we have so much fun together, I am dreading going back home. I am on vacation without him and am enjoying not thinking about all the family drama that happens with all of them. They are all in their 30’s and nothing has really changed, except now there are more grandkids and even more time that my husband wants to spend with them. :( I just don’t think I can do this anymore. :(

  2. GioVanni
    Posted March 17, 2015 at 8:29 pm | Permalink

    Wow! I’m in the same position, but as a step father. I raised my own son as a single father, long before I got involved with this relationship. I have always loved children, but these kids of hers are unlike any and yet, so common; spoiled, lazy, and demanding. I tried to help her, but I always end up on the bad side of that help. I love her but I just cannot stand her kids. And it’s ashame because I have tried to be supportive and understanding, but I just feel so drained and frustrated. I know when they are lying to her and she just doesn’t get it. She finds an excuse for their actions too frequently! I sense my heart will end up losing the love I have for her; for the sake of maintaining my sanity and health! I feel for all of you and thank you for sharing your life’s too.

    • Alex Faleye
      Posted March 24, 2015 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

      I feel the same at the moment. I’ve lived with my girlfriend and her 2 teenage girls for just over a year and the older soon to be 15 year old drives me up the wall the way she swans around the house and the disrespect she has for her mother. She is always asking for money and doesn’t like doing any house work. She has a nasty attitude and is extremely lazy. I just want to tell her about herself but it’s not my place.

      I feel that I need to say something to my girlfriend because it’s driving me crazy and I dread coming home sometimes. This may push us apart as I would never expect her to choose me over her kids. This is a tough situation to be in and I feel like walking away to preserve my sanity and not be around kids that get on my last nerve. My girlfriend keeps hinting about marriage and having a child with her and we haven’t even been together 2 years. I don’t think I want 2 stepkids that I don’t particularly love and that get on my nerves. Any advice would be more than appreciated.

  3. Sally
    Posted March 17, 2015 at 10:27 am | Permalink

    I am SO glad to know I am not alone! I feel terrible as a person – as a mother of 5 – that I cannot stand my step son. I ask myself, “What kind of person has feelings of dislike toward a 10 year old”? There are many dynamics. His mother is now suddenly absent and lives in another state. He was not given guidance or support by her when he lived there prior to a year ago. He has ADHD, his dad makes excuses for him constantly, he is the only boy with my 3 youngest girls (my sonly son is 23), and he did NOT live with us when we started dating, and I was under the impression I would only have to tolerate him during visits (which was a stretch even then). I wish I could WILL myself to like him, to be nice to him, and even to bond with him; he needs a mother figure. But I cannot bring myself to do it. I feel very bad about it. His dad is really good with my 2 kids that live with us that aren’t his and our 4 year old daughter. I just never dated anyone with kids. I never wanted to. Plus I am the sole provider to now another person living in my house. I feel that he is being/been forced on me.

  4. Deanna Brose
    Posted March 9, 2015 at 8:16 am | Permalink

    I kind of have the same situation but am on the other side of the table. My husband and I love eachother unconditionally. When him and I met, my children from a previous marriage, got along beautifully. They clung on him. Always wanted to sit on his lap and cuddle with him. Now as the years go by, they are disrespectful to both of us, his parents and other people. They thrive to put a wedge between him and I. Everytime we fight, they ask if they should pack their stuff so we can go back to Michigan (where myself and my children are from). Like nothing bothers them that I am hurting from the fights they cause. He now doesn’t think he can handle being a parent anymore. It kills me to think of losing him. He told me this morning that he just can’t handle the disrespect from them and he is thinking he wants to walk away. What do I do? Anyone else on this side of the table? It seems to hurt no matter which side the person is on. Both of my kids have ADD/ADHD and absolutely hard to deal with anymore.

  5. VG
    Posted March 9, 2015 at 6:05 am | Permalink

    I’m so glad I’m not alone. My boyfriend/newly fiancé has 4 children. The 3 oldest are daughters 19, 18 & 16 and the youngest is a son 13. The daughters are not his biological daughters, he helped raise them since they were 5 & under. He was with their Mom for 12 years off and on or so. We’ve been together for almost two years. The 18 year old never comes around and she’s part of the reason my boyfriend and his ex broke up. The 19 year old has 2 kids, 2 different Dad’s. She lives with her Grandma and doesn’t have a job, car or home of her on (obviously). The ex relationship was super dysfunctional full of alcoholic parents and partying. Although my boyfriend is pretty strict, the kids were raised with little boundaries and structure as he was always drunk. They are accustomed to drama and a lack of enforced rules. Their Mom had the 19 year old at age 15. My boyfriend is about 4 years older than her and she was under 20 when they met. Anyway, he took on a huge responsibility with the Mom and the girls. He was very unhappy but never wanted to admit it. For some reason he gel obligated to these kids. It’s almost like he was guilted and tricked into it. In the beginning, I though he must be an amazing person for taking on this huge responsibility. His family didn’t seem to care for them much and the girls even told me that was the case in beginning. My boyfriend said he always saw the girls as his own and it seemed that he spent several years defending that position. I thought what a great guy! Until he started getting defensive with me over them for no reason. The whole thing is just really weird all driven by their Mom, I believe. She’s very passive aggressive. She’s an only child yet had 4 kids of her own starting at a very young age. She’s barely 33/34 and is a Grandmother but she doesn’t even take motherhood seriously at all. She expects everyone to help take care of her kids for her and give them guilt trips of they don’t. She acts like she’s a good mother but she’s very fake. She lies a lot and is very weird and manipulative. I can’t even describe it. Well her daughters act the same way. They didn’t at first but then it had all unfolded later. I have rules. I’m strict and have boundaries with my own daughter. I don’t hold them to any rules or expectations that I would with my own daughter yet I get accused of “hating” them or trying to “oust” them. He constantly hears from them and ther mother that I’m “trying to push them out”, I guess because I won’t give in to their every antic or whim and he’s stopped too. I’m an easy target and everyone blames me because they don’t come around as much anymore. Yet the son lives with us. Apparently, I’m “evil”. I’m trying to understand what I’m evil for? Because I have rules? Because they have to do chores when they come over? Because I’m not at the beckon call and their “Dad” isn’t anymore either? There is something very contrived and disingenuous about that whole relationship and I don’t underatand it all. Despite being teens, it goes beyond what would be expected of teens in a blended family. It’s hard to explain and its weird. They don’t respect my boyfriend as a Father but they expect him to act like a Father out of their convenience. I can tell when he’s talked to them because then he tells me things like I “kicked” them out of his life. Yes he doesn’t bend over backwards and kill himself doing everything they say anymore. He doesn’t drive them all over town, they don’t come over as often and he doesn’t ho broke to buy them whatever they want anymore. We don’t do that for my daughter either. To me, pretending like they are “his” kids is a flat out weird lie. You would have to experience it to understand what I mean otherwise I know I just sound like a cold hearted witch – and they love to make me out to be that way. We were all really close at first until I realized it was fake and all driven by their mother. She is very controlling and weird in a passive sort of way. She plays nice, especially with her ex, but it’s only to get her way or hustle. It’s really hard for me to explain and it’s all very trivial and exhausting. I can’t stand constantly being told that I’m trying to push people out when I’ve done things for ALL of them, including the girl who doesn’t ever come around. She decided that before my boyfriend and I ever got together. I’ve given them rides, bought them things they need and hung out with them. I’ve cooked for them and helped them with homework, taken them to appointments, etc. I’ve done more for them than a lot of people have, including their own Mom. I don’t say this to them but everyone knows it. The only thing is that they constantly make demands on their Dad and now me. The 19 year old with kids would expect us to cook for her. She would demand that he do this and that for her. She would stay at our place during the day with no job and she would barely lift a finger. She had no respect for herself or our household. None of them are blatantly bad or disrespectful. Let’s just say they know how to work it. The 19 year old would have her friends/boyfriend over while we were at work. Many things got broken and stolen. She’s lazy. Her daughter (under 1 at the time, 2 now) would always walk around snot nosed and dirty. She would have to be told to change the baby’s diaper. They were all kind of slobbish in their ways. My boyfriend said he worked all the time while the Mom and kids would stay home and he would come home to nothing but filth and stuff everywhere. I’m a neat freak. I love a clean home and so does he. It was a culture shock for them. I tried to help them and teach them. I told my boyfriend that he can’t do everything for them because then they’ll never know how to do anything for themselves. I said the 19 year old can get in and help cook and clean. The other kids too. So apparently giving them any level of reaponsibility and not putting up with filth makes me a horrible person who is “trying to push them out”. They don’t live with us anymore. They don’t come around a lot and that’s my fault apparently. The 16 year old is a flat out brat. She does things subtly just to antagonize people. She’ll stuff dirty socks in the couch on purpose just to annoy me and cause a fight between her Dad and I. I’ll ask her to pick them up and her Dad will get all defensive. I’m tired of getting accused of hating them. In the beginning, he would say “oh my slovenly ghetto kids” as if he were mocking me but I never said those things. He’s a great guy otgerwise but when it comes to them, it’s all really weird. I never said they were slovenly and I’ve mever said they were slobbish in front of him. It’s just a fact, they are. The 16 year old will get in and help when asked. That’s not a problem but she will act like a brat and demand things in the process. It’s like they use him and don’t know any better. They treat him how their Mom treated him and its not good. If he sticks up for himself, they text him when I’m not around (the mom does too) and tell him hes mean to them now “because of” me. I’m sick of it. Then he takes his guilt and anger out on me. We never fight. We have a LOT in common until it comes to those girls. Then we fight horribly. I’m not going to back down or give in like he does and it’s not like I torture them. I just have rules and boundaries and I don’t want my own daughter (11) to think certain behaviors are okay or getting pregnant at a young age and insisting everyone take care of you and your kids is okay. It’s not okay. Their Mom goes out and drinks a lot and she’s rarely there for them. She’s not the type of Mom to take them to the doctor or dentist or to get them things that they need. She didn’t have a job or a car for awhile. When my boyfriend stopped giving and doing everything for her, she despised me. He has his biological son full time. She sees him maybe once or twice a month which is fine because now that she has her own apartment, job and car, it’s a lawless household where teens run rampant. The Mom tried to act like a teen herself. It’s crazy. So when the son goes down there he shoplifts and is bad. He comes home with an attitude but then it goes away and he’s pretty good otherwise. I run a tight ship and he seems to really thrive in the structure. The girls, on the other hand, can’t stand it. Also, the girls and their Mom used to play with game with my boyfriend before I was ever in the picture that he’s “not allowed” to do certain things without them. He’s not allowed to eat at certain places without them or go to the mountains without them, etc. To me, it was weird and I wasn’t about to play that game too. They aren’t here 100% of the time so it’s impossible anyway. Of course I was the bad guy for that too. When we first got together the now 19/then 17 year old with a baby would tell him he “better not” do this or that or go to this or that party or babyshower because he didn’t go to her babyshower. They were serious too. It would just annoy me and still does. The 19 year old now has a boyfriend and a 2nd baby with him. She is somehow wrapped up on child protective services with the first baby and we have to get background checks (which is fine but…) in order to take the baby for a weekend as we used to when we first got together and, somehow though we had nothing to do with any of that at all, it’s all my fault that he hardly sees them and the baby anymore. I get blamed for it all. I didn’t get her wrapped up in child protective services. She did that to herself along with her ex and new boyfriend/both the kids Dad’s. It’s all just so strange and dysfunctional and I can’t understand why my boyfriend just goes along with it all and gets mad at anyone who doesn’t want to put up with it all or “judges” them. Weird. I can always tell when he’s talked to them because he’s in a bad mood. Even though we love each other and get along great otherwise, I kind of want to end this relationship. I’m to the point where I can’t stand those girls or the thought of them coming around due to all the drama and his anger. The 16 year old is “dating” my 17 year old nephew (my sister’s son) and they worked up with whole scam and manipulation for him to live with her at her Mom’s. It caused a lot of heartache and drama in the family and of course my boyfriend blamed my sister and I and took their side. Why? I lost all respect for them after that – my nephew and his daughter. It grosses me out. We don’t allow them to spend the night together at out house and neither down my sister so, of course, we are the band guys. My boyfriend has really done and said nothing about the whole thing and only comes back with his teenage logic and their Mother’s excuses. Apparently if my sister was a better Mother, none of this would be happening. Apparently, my nephew “would rather” live with his ex than my sister, because that’s what they say. It’s sickening and annoying. I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We have a great relationship otherwise. He just has some claws that are deeply sunken into him and I don’t know what to do. I feel I’ve tried and done my part and it’s all on his shoulders to make it all better. I don’t know. Those girls are spoiled brats. What can I do? I’ll admit, I am to the point where I don’t like it when they come around but they aren’t tiny innocent little helpless babies as my boyfriend seems to think.

    • Leo
      Posted March 20, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

      Run far and run fast while you still can.

  6. Emily
    Posted March 3, 2015 at 6:24 pm | Permalink

    I am so glad I am not alone. However, from reading the comments I don’t see much hope for myself. I wish I had read this before I got married! I have been feeling so bad that I cannot like, let alone love, my husband’s kid even after 5 years. I can’t stand the kid now 12, she is a lazy, spoiled, manipluative, disrespectful, spiteful little witch. She steals, destroys, and has driven wedges between me and other family members. She seems to thrive on causing drama and I am her number one target but she has also caused drama and misery for classmates too. (maybe eventally she will pick on the wrong one and get her butt kicked!)
    I have tried to like her, I really have. I try to be nice I keep thinking maybe she’ll come around. However, usally the more nice things I do for her the nastier she becomes. It seems like the only time she is decent is when I am hating her and then she becomes this demure innocent little waif and I look like the bad guy.
    It has taken me some time to realize that she is just a bad person plain and simple. She will probably be a evil little witch her whole life. I didn’t want to believe that, I wanted to believe that she is just a child and so on but bad adults are often bad when they were kids too.
    The other thing that took me so long to realize is the number one problem is her father, my husband. His lack of consistant parenting and always making excuses for her has given her the green light to be the witch that she is.
    I don’t see this getting any better for me. I was doing like others on here and counting down the days till she leaves but I don’t see it that way anymore. The witch is always going to cause me problems and if my husband dies before me she will cause me some BIG problems for sure. Now I think the smartest thing to do to preserve my assets & my child is to try to stay married until my child comes of age then divorce. If I can handle living in a prison until the witch leaves the house that is.

  7. Ali Dale
    Posted February 19, 2015 at 10:55 am | Permalink

    Hi Everyone, im going through this hard Situation almost 5 years now.
    I have 2 Stepchildren. A (Girl-14) and a (Boy-12)…With different Mothers.
    I have a Son age of 6, he believes that my Husband is his Father,
    My Husband and I were together when he was 8months old.
    And since 2010 we had our own child (Boy-4)- Everything is very well with our common Child. We dont fight at all.
    All Kids are living with us.
    The Mothers of the Kids doesn’t care at all…
    I am the One who takes care of them almost 5 years now.
    They are both disrespectful, Lazy, they even look for reasons for me and my Husband to fight.
    My problem is that, whenever I say something to his Kids or asked them to do something, like to bring thier Plates in the Kitchen or tell them they should Stop whatever Stupid things they are doing, they dont listen at all.
    24/7 no rest, they try everytime to Piss me off.
    To the point that I have to complain to thier Father everything what I dislike about his Kids, and he is everytime trying to Protect them, like as if Its all my Fault.
    And now what happen is, when his Kids get scolded for whatever Stupid things they make, my Husband finds reason to scold my Son, like its making me feel that his trying to send a Silent message ” If my Kids are scolded by you,then so your Son too”… Like when he must be told 5 times to do something,then he shouts at him and make some terrible comments like “this Child has a very Big Problem”…
    And thats making me giving up. My Son is 6 and he just started to go to school get bullied everyday because he looks different and resulted Bulimia” correct me if Im wrong) and at this young Age he goes to a psychiatrist to refrain this Problem.
    And he is now even starting to tell me that your son has his Fathers Attitudes.
    He didnt even knew him at all, We separated when 1 was 16weeks preganant.
    I am starting to dislike his Kids because of thier Attitude towards me, and thier Fathers attitude towards me and my Son.
    What I did is Ignore his Kids, when they make Stupid things then I come to him and tell him whats going on and let him handle the Situation, because Im tired to be mis understood. And Now his complaining that I am Neglecting his Kids.
    I came to be the Snow Whites Stepmother again just because i let him Handle everything regarding his Kids.
    I just cant take it anymore.
    I need help.

    • Ali Dale
      Posted February 19, 2015 at 11:33 am | Permalink

      I dont have Real Friends to talk to that is why i seek help here.

      • Don't like skids
        Posted February 23, 2015 at 5:06 pm | Permalink

        Contact me. I have 2 skids – teen, one thank goodness doesnt live with us – – but the son who has ADHD and aspies is nasty annoying and lazy and my husband just doesnt discipline. Feeling resentment towards him also. I so hate these kids. If I would have known what I know now, I would had ran like hell…You dont see things til you live with them 27/7

  8. KatieP
    Posted November 29, 2014 at 2:20 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for this blog. I cannot even put into words how dysfunctional, narcissistic, greedy, nasty and delusional my stepchildren are. I love my husband dearly but in all honesty know that getting those spawn out of my life will feel like a millstone has been removed from my neck. The younger daughter (who is probably not even my hubby’s biological child, psycho ex had several affairs) is evil to him and to us. She only calls to either berate him or demand money. She is married, with a baby now, and almost 30. The other daughter (who is definitely hubby’s), is so dysfunctional, she married a man like her narcissistic, borderline mother and is now going through a horrible (and very expensive) divorce and custody case. The ex – by everyone’s definition (except – of course – the PAS victim daughters) – is plain evil. From the moment she conceived the first daughter, she went on a campaign to alienate my hubby from the kids. He stuck in there like Job, and almost died from doing so. He was literally almost dead from physical illness and stress when I met him. In the first six months, he had three surgeries just to get rid of what was wrong. His kids didn’t even come to visit. Truly, the situation is the worst I have ever seen. I’m almost ready to see a therapist. The alienation worked, however, and nothing my husband does is ever good enough, or right or anything. Not one holiday have they ever even visited him since I’ve known them but they feel no qualms about calling asking for pricey gifts! If you suggest that maybe they should treat their father better they rip your head off and start blaming him for everything under the sun. Believe me, this man has been a saint. We are really left with only one “healthy” choice and that is to walk away, but as an adopted person, I disagree with abandoning children, however, I am at a loss as to what to do. It’s not like these girls are young, they are 29 and 32. My husband has funded their lives, desperately tried to play a role in their lives, and still they act like being less than rude to him is an “insult” to their hellspawn mother. You can’t even tell anyone else this because it is so extreme they don’t believe it. My hubby feels bad, says I’m “not happy” and this has changed our relationship. I don’t know what to do, frankly. We are nearing retirement and I’m terrified of something happening to hubby and having those evil things come after me. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks.

    • KatieP
      Posted November 29, 2014 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

      Another problem I have with all of this is that they are 29 and 32. Neither my hubby or I were dependent on our parents, nor as dysfunctional in the world, as they are at that age. It’s mind-boggling. Though we offered to pay for a townhouse, SFH or condo for the older daughter when she left her (remarkably similar to her mother) soon-to-be-ex-husband, the girl moved back in with her mother, then started posts on FB about how happy she was that “her mother was there for her” … this after we offered to get her a place where she could live cost-free! It’s as if there are some major cognitive deficits … I told my hubby once that if he hung the moon for them, they’d denigrate him for a loose thread on his astronaut suit. Sadly, this is not an exaggeration. Now, we are on our vacation (we get one week off a year), and the younger “daughter” claims that “mother would never leave” the other daughter during her time of need (though she’s over there living with her mother) and we just gave her almost $5K two weeks ago for legal fees. It’s like a sick joke, and it makes me feel sick, and I worry that it is harming my marriage…but when I got married I sold my house and gave up everything, now I just feel depressed.

      • KatieP
        Posted March 18, 2015 at 6:20 am | Permalink

        Thought I would write an update here, just for the record, and as a cautionary tale to others. Over Christmas, the skids ignored and neglected their father. The older one called to threaten him that he would not see his grandson at all if he didn’t give her more money. Hubby flew into such a rage at this, his face turned purple and I thought he would have a heart attack. When he got angry at the older skid, she threatened to have him killed! These two skids have Narcissistic Personality Disorder in spades, and quite simply are sociopaths like their malignantly narcissistic mother. Hubby refused the request for $9,500 and said he was not going to be bullied like that and if they wanted anything from him they had to be respectful and nice to him, his wife (me), and his family and friends (they refuse to talk with their paternal uncle, aunt, grandma, or cousins). Needless to say, that’s the last we have heard from them. Hubby thinks now we won’t hear from them until his ex dies, if ever. It is really sad and has caused him so much heartache words cannot describe. It’s a pall that kind of hangs over our lives. While he and I are doing okay, if you have not yet married would strongly caution you to ‘stay far away’ … this type of parental alienation is known as “pathogenic parenting” as it passes on the parent’s mental illness to the children. There is no question that all three (his ex, and the two girls) are mentally unsound. I even said to the younger girl that she should visit any one of the therapists or counselors in our area, and describe her behavior if she wanted outside input into whether or not she was “right” or “justified.” Not surprisingly, she was dead silent in response to that. It’s truly sick. But at least they are not pushing hubby over the edge any longer, and he has come to see that the mental illness of the ex has been passed to them. It is very sad. Certainly not for the faint of heart, and extremely difficult to work through as a married couple. These “adults” who alienate should be totally ashamed, but then sociopaths don’t feel shame, and blame everyone else. I wonder, if when the skids lives still suck 15 years from now, if they will still blame hubby, in spite of no contact, and the answer is most likely yes. There doesn’t seem to be any real cure for narcissistic personality disorder. The mental health of the family you are marrying into I think has a lot of influence on your happiness as a couple and ability to handle a “blended” family. Good luck to all.

  9. Mimi
    Posted October 20, 2014 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    I’m so disgusted with my Stepson. He steals, lies, breaks things . I feel zero love fir him. I want him back with his bio mom. It is where he belongs. They are just alike, liars, and thieves. I have tried. To the point of complete exhaustion with him.
    He’s ADHD , which I am calling BS on. He is bipolar, and moody.
    I don’t know how to convince m husband to just let him go to his mother.
    This will save the rest of our family.

    • Bj
      Posted November 12, 2014 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

      Omg I’m going threw the same thing I’ve tried and tried and get told I need to respect them or they won’t respect.. I can’t stand even being around them and there grown and we still argue because I don’t want them in our home

      • KatieP
        Posted November 29, 2014 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

        Well I have been just the opposite – tried to be kind, understanding and loving; rolled out the red carpet for the spawn, and all they do is crap all over the place. My hubby has seen his newest grandchild exactly three (short) times, and his “daughters” treat him like absolute garbage. I’ve never seen anything like it. They also said to him once, “We don’t have a problem with Katie, we have a problem with you” … not even having a darn clue how flabbergasted I am (and not in a good way) at their stomach-churning behavior. My hubby has wanted to walk from the scene time and again, he doesn’t even want me to mention it. I am beginning to think I need therapy.

  10. Melissa
    Posted June 3, 2014 at 11:24 am | Permalink

    It is so nice to find a place to vent like this! I met, fell in love and married the man of my dreams or so I thought. Yes I knew he had 3 kids and had been divorced for 6 years at that time ages now 20, 16 (sons) and a daughter who is now 9. He’s the one who filed for divorce after finding out his ex had been sleeping with an old high school love whom she got pregnant by back then but had an abortion. This woman never held a job while they were married so he was busting his ass to give them everything they needed solely on his own. They tried counseling but she said the problems were his and his alone as he came from a “broken home” so she refused to go. When he finally left, the youngest was a year old. The counselor he was seeing at the time told him it would be “best” for the children if he could leave her the house so the kids could still retain their friends and stay at the same schools etc.

    This is what he did and he moved into a shed with no electricity or water so that his kids would not go without. He sacrificed so much!!! He had to pay out the nose in child support but he signed the house over to her and suggested she get a job since she hadn’t worked in 19+ years to help pay for utilities, food etc. She went on food stamps but never did get a job. She’s the very nosy type and never missed get together with friends to commiserate about her life. Since he left she has blamed him for leaving and takes no responsibility in the dissolution of their marriage.

    We met in 2012 and had a long distance relationship for 6 months before he proposed. I refused to move where he lived until we were married so we married one year ago in 2013. I felt so sorry for him and all that he had been thru and I knew I wanted to spend my life with him though I didn’t see the children when I came down but a few times. We got along ok I guess and in never really saw any red flags until just before the wedding when she called him about something and he was whispering in my hallway. I could hear the other person chewing him out on the line but not once did I think it was his ex because by this time, they had been divorced almost 8 years and in my mind I thought no way could it be her yelling at him but sadly it was. Apparently she still wore the pants even tho they were divorced. This pissed me off royally when I found out!!!! How could she? How could he let her still run his life? Apparently she was upset because he didn’t tell her he was getting remarried but the kids knew.

    I am a mother of two, a son 24 and three years ago my beautiful 17 year old daughter was killed in a tragic accident so I kno a little bit about kids you could say. I had left my husband in 2007 after years and years of abuse, verbally, physical and emotional. He was this way with all of us and I just could not take anymore!!! I was raising my daughter on my own as she had a dad who was too busy to spend time with her so I pretty much had her 100%. It was the best decision I ever made though even tho times were very hard. I am a good mom and I believe I raised my kids to work hard, respect everyone and treat others as they would like to be treated. It wasn’t easy but I did it by the grace of God.

    Back to the marriage, at first his kids treated me ok and I did all I could to try and get to know them as individuals which wasn’t always easy. They even seemed to like me too but soon enuf they stated saying things like……my mom does this better or I don’t like your cooking so they wouldn’t eat unless it was junk food. I’m the kind if person who loves to cook for others and that is how I show my love, thru my cooking but when this started I just gave up! Nothing I do is right in their eyes so I just shut down emotionally when it came to them after a while. I tried staying in my room but this only made my husband angry and he said some nasty remarks about me not liking them. Some of what he said is true, I don’t like them at times. They are entitled, spoiled, dirty little brats. When I say dirty I mean that literary!!!!!! Apparently hygiene is not taught in their moms house because every time they come over they need to bathe and brush their teeth especially the daughter!!!!! She littary smells with stinky feet and her hair is always a rats nest and greasy!!!!

    We just bought a new home and I try my best to keep it tidy and clean at all times but when they are here, the messes are everywhere!!! They don’t listen to me, make their beds or bathe unless dad tells them to!! I feel like a stranger in my own home when they are here and sometimes I look for excuses so I don’t have to spend anytime with them. I swear I’m not a mean person but all this instant parenting my husband expects me to do is causing some very real problems for us and we are already in counseling!!!! I don’t know where else to turn so if you have ANY answers I would greatly appreciate hearing them. The kids are here tues and thurs and every other weekend. I just want to take my dog and run away when they are here!!!! I love my husband with all my heart but I can’t stand his kids!!!!!! HELP

    • blue
      Posted June 13, 2014 at 11:34 am | Permalink

      I am lucky not to have to deal with my step-children. I just don’t care for them, and don’t ask about them, am I wrong?

      • Anne-Marie
        Posted March 5, 2015 at 11:11 am | Permalink

        No, you’re not wrong. I love my boyfriend but don’t have any feelings for or interest in his two spoiled-rotten adult daughters.

    • thinkthrice fts
      Posted October 3, 2014 at 6:39 pm | Permalink

      For those of you who think the nightmare will end at 18 you are sorely mistaken! Especially in states like New York and California. The fault lies with the biological parents and their nonparenting by GUILT! The stepkids are so coddled and spoiled that in most cases they will fail to launch.
      My oldest stepson who has been shunning his father for over six years turned 18 today. He has no plans for the future as mommykins told him he’d be a rock star. Kind of hard to do with no musical talent! He barely graduated high school, is a pot fiend and has a part time job making smoothies on a food truck. The worst part is that biodad has two younger ones that are even worse than the oldest! And to top it all off biodad OVERPAYS his child support to the point of being impoverished for the last ten years; completely relying on my salary and has NO problem with it!!! Mommykins is remarried and uses the child support for her fun money while I struggle
      Do yourself a favor and RUN!!!

  11. CE
    Posted May 22, 2014 at 11:10 am | Permalink

    This sounds all too familiar…. I have been with my boyfriend over 3years now and we get along great. There is one issue though. His grown ass daughters. I am nineteen years younger than him, and in the beginning his daughters and I got along just fine. It wasn’t until he moved in with me and they started to see stronger commitment between us. Then things started to get crazy. They have manipulated and created issues out of nowhere due to their jealousy and insecurities. I continued to be very nice and polite to them, but things just became harder. I’m 29, his oldest is 25 and youngest 22. I know age may be a factor in this, but for me it was a positive for common ground with them. They have lack of respect and maturity though unfortunately. I guess it boggles thier mind that thier dad could love someone slightly older than them. Not sure if that’s the real issue but I do think it plays a part in this scenario. The thing is, I also gave a 10 year old son, graduated college and have my own house and worked for everything I have. They started to even compete with me on these levels. I got pregnant and we now gave a for month year old son, plans to marry and moving soon into our own house. They straight up told him that they wish for us to split custody and not live together. I really think this roots back to their childhood due to their parents divorcing and they wish that for us, too. I think it’s extremely selfish, and displays disrespect to their father. He even recently found to the has stage three cancer and I’ve been very supportive along the way and felt like this could be the very thing to bring us all closer. Unfortunately, they have only created more drama since then. When they visit, I have given them each gifts, hospitality, and caring for them but seriously nothing is appreciated or good enough. I’ve decided to take the high road instead of the dead end that gets you nowhere. It us what it is. Just gotta move forward and live your life and choose to be happy. Not going to allow their negative influence affect me any longer. I’ve come to terms with this, and the fact that I don’t need to go out of my way to please them. I can be civil, but I refuse to be pushed around and that’s his decision to be disrespected. I’m removing myself from situation and he is the one to have a bond with them, not me. I’m blessed to have two sons and can only hope one day they will grow up.

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