Dear Dr. Coleman,
What do you do when you don’t like the kids of the man you married? I married a great guy 3 years ago, love of my life, but his kids drive me up the wall. They’re disrespectful to him (not to me yet, but I’m sure that’s coming), demanding, and spoiled. Worse, I just don’t like them as people. They’ll all be out of the home in about 5 years but that’s 5 years too long. How do I survive?
Dear Reader,
This is a common complaint that I get from stepparents. There is a lot to tease apart here:
- Many stepmothers feel guilty that they don’t like their stepchildren. Most women are raised to feel like they’re going to love being a mother and therefore feel confused and self-critical when those feelings don’t spring eternal for their husband’s kids. Guilt and self-criticism are hard on oneself and hard on a marriage. Work to accept that you feel the way that you feel and that that doesn’t make you a bad person.
- Sometimes stepchildren are difficult or unlikable as an expression of loyalty to the parent who isn’t in the home. Their guilt about being close to you may make them feel more conflicted about having you like them and of them liking you. Assume it will take some time for a relationship to develop. Maybe years. Don’t assume that it will go quickly.
- While you don’t have to love them, you should try to find some common ground with them. Not only is this important for them, it is key to your having a life in a blended family. So, see if you can find something, ANYTHING, that you might have in common. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy: a TV show, a musical artist, a love of a certain kind of food, an author–just some toehold of similarity and compatibility to build a relationship from.
- Let your husband know what bothers you the most about their behavior. If they hog the television, talk on the cell phone during dinner, talk over each other all of the time, ask him to step in more. But don’t assume that he can change all of their behavior to accommodate you. If he can change even some of their behavior, that’s a good thing. However, if they behave in ways that are directly disrespectful to you, it’s better for you to set limits with them yourself in the same way that you would set limits with anyone else.
4 Comments
I am in the same situation. My partner and I have been together for five years now. She has three children. The oldest 12, and 10 are girls. The youngest is a boy, 5. I thought that being a stepparent would grow on me, but over the years I have come to realize that it will not. In fact, the opposite is happening as the children get older and more disrespectful. This is a constant source of conflict for my partner and I. I wish that she would just accept the fact that I am not a “kid person,” and love me just the same. Just as I have to accept the fact that she has three kids. I wish she would either just accept me how I am, or find someone else to be with that want to raise her disrespectful children. Yeah. Good luck with that.
I cannot stand my stepkids and make no apologies for it. Just plain and simple – can NOT stand them. I went into this marriage with high hopes, but as each day goes by I see nothing will ever change. The youngest is in middle school and all I see stretched out before me are all the years left until she is finally GONE! The boy is the oldest and he is just useless. I mean, useless! If he wasn’t my stepson I wouldn’t even want him in the house around my other kids. Rude, arrogant, sloppy and just all in all a jerk. There are times I wish I had never gotten remarried. Seriously. There are times I wish I could just run away from this entire situation, but I really love my husband and I want “us” to work. Just wish I didn’t have to deal with these stupid stepkids.
I agree with all above. But what happens when, after 9 years together, his children of 16 and 18 now refuse to come to our house. We have been separated for 4 months because he would leave constantly over his children (not liking it here). He is now put in the situation where he has to choose between them and myself and still is unable to stand up to his children who have never wanted us, liked sharing him and have huge issues about being disloyal to their other parent. I only want him to come back if he can be 100% supportive of me and our marriage – without the fear of him leaving again for his children. He has always “over protected” them, no matter what and I fear he is still doing it. They don’t like me because they think I treat him terribly and he deserves better. They don’t know their mother had an affair and went out every weekend for a year or so before they broke up. They also think my teenage daughter is bossy (aren’t most teenage girls.. he has one too). My kids have always wanted this family, and been very loving and forgiving.
I have two children of a similar age who love him dearly – asked to call him Dad four years ago and he refused them but did eventually change in our last year – which was great for my kids but his kids didn’t like it either. They are now very hurt and don’t trust him not to leave again. What would you do in my position?
I’m kind of in the same situation here. My stepkids think their mother is just this wonderful person – far, FAR better then me since you know, I am THE mean, wicked, ugly stepmother. Little do they know she is some piece of work. Just some alcoholic, drug popping, sleeping-around on her husband kind of gal. Yes. A fine “upstanding” citizen through and through. NOT. You are in an uphill battle here, just as I am. The stepkids are going to do whatever it takes to get rid of you. If your husband doesn’t pull his head out of his butt and stick by YOU, he is going to find himself divorced again – mark my words. You aren’t going to put up with being second in his life. I told my husband that I had better start coming first, or I’ll go off and get my life back (the one I had before I became the mean, wicked, UGLY stepmother) and go back to being a normal, divorced woman with 3 wonderful children of her own – and not have that stigma of being a mean, wicked, ugly stepmother. I hate it. I really do. I HATE being a stepmother.