Dear Dr. Coleman,
What do you do when you don’t like the kids of the man you married? I married a great guy 3 years ago, love of my life, but his kids drive me up the wall. They’re disrespectful to him (not to me yet, but I’m sure that’s coming), demanding, and spoiled. Worse, I just don’t like them as people. They’ll all be out of the home in about 5 years but that’s 5 years too long. How do I survive?
Dear Reader,
This is a common complaint that I get from stepparents. There is a lot to tease apart here:
- Many stepmothers feel guilty that they don’t like their stepchildren. Most women are raised to feel like they’re going to love being a mother and therefore feel confused and self-critical when those feelings don’t spring eternal for their husband’s kids. Guilt and self-criticism are hard on oneself and hard on a marriage. Work to accept that you feel the way that you feel and that that doesn’t make you a bad person.
- Sometimes stepchildren are difficult or unlikable as an expression of loyalty to the parent who isn’t in the home. Their guilt about being close to you may make them feel more conflicted about having you like them and of them liking you. Assume it will take some time for a relationship to develop. Maybe years. Don’t assume that it will go quickly.
- While you don’t have to love them, you should try to find some common ground with them. Not only is this important for them, it is key to your having a life in a blended family. So, see if you can find something, ANYTHING, that you might have in common. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy: a TV show, a musical artist, a love of a certain kind of food, an author–just some toehold of similarity and compatibility to build a relationship from.
- Let your husband know what bothers you the most about their behavior. If they hog the television, talk on the cell phone during dinner, talk over each other all of the time, ask him to step in more. But don’t assume that he can change all of their behavior to accommodate you. If he can change even some of their behavior, that’s a good thing. However, if they behave in ways that are directly disrespectful to you, it’s better for you to set limits with them yourself in the same way that you would set limits with anyone else.
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56 Comments
I am engaged to a wonderful man who I love with all my heart. We have been together for 9 years. He has 3 kids who are all adults and I have 1 nine year old son. My fiancé’s kids are something else. His oldest one is in prison and we really don’t know for how long. He has been abusive and in and out of jail for the past 9 years. His middle son is 24 years old and is a drug addict and won’t do anything to help himself. His youngest is 19 and graduated from high school and we not have him in trade school. I guess the problem I am having is it doesn’t matter what his kids do he will shower them with gifts (even if they are shooting up drugs and stealing from everyone to get their next fix) and he doesn’t care that I am not comfortable around them. I’m really not comfortable with my nine year old son being around them at all! His middle son has been in and out of rehab centers and is now on probation for stealing from the store. He lives with his grandparents and doesn’t do anything. He won’t get his GED or get a job. He has only had one job in his life, however that only lasted for two days before he was fired. If he doesn’t get what he wants he tells everyone that he will kill himself and then go to the mental hospital to get the drugs he wants to abuse. He told us that he wasn’t made to work and he’s only 24! I don’t know what to do. My fiancé and I are purchasing a house and he insists on having his kids there and I’m not comfortable being around the older two. I love his kids dearly but I can’t get over what they have done to their father or themselves. His older two were even involved with loosening the tire on his car so it fell off when he was driving. They told the local police that he is on drugs and is an alcoholic! My biggest fear is protecting my son. This is the only father figure my son has ever known and he doesn’t know the things that my fiancé’s kids have done or do. When I try to talk with my fiancé about how I don’t want my son or myself to be a part of any of the drama he gets upset with me and very angry. He tells me that these are his boys, his kids and what is he supposed to do. The only time the older two have anything to do with their father is when they want something like money. Other then that they go by their mother’s maiden name, tell their father that they hate him and want him to die. They tell him that he is bad father and all kinds of things. And of course my fiancé gets upset at the time but all they have to do is call and say, “I’m sorry dad you’re right my mother is crazy and screwed all of us kids up.” Then everything is like nothing ever happened! My fiancé also wants to adopt my son after we get married and I’m not so sure about that since I have a feeling that we will have a very hard way to go with that since he stays involved with his two convicted felon sons. No one stayed with my fiancé until I came along because of his kids terrible behavior. His own family wants nothing to do with his kids. The grandmother stated that she doesn’t ever want to see them after everything that they have done to their father. Please anyone advise me on what to do! I have tried everything! Counseling with the kids, talking to them taking them to individual counseling and everything. I’m scared that this may not end well. Please if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do please tell me!
Reading everyones stuff makes me feel validated and sad all at the same time. I’ve been married for a very short time to someone I’ve been with for almost 5 years. his kids are with us half time, and are truly a challenge. one of his children are aggressive and hyperactive, and the other is a snotty little princess who whines to get whatever she wants. It’s making me resent him, and flip flop between loving him and hating him on a regular basis. I’m so sick of watching him and his ex wife be shitty parents and having me and my kids suffering because of it. I don’t know what i was thinking going through with the wedding, except I guess I thought I could make it through. Then i keep thinking, these kids are just kids, what happens when they are teenagers, what happens when they are adults and still a part of our life. i just wish my husband would grow a set of balls, and discipline his kids like hes willing to discipline mine. Thats the part thats frustrating, he disciplines my kids, and our child together while his walk all over him. its kindof pathetic and makes me think less of him.
Hi! I was thrilled to read your post!
I am going through the EXACT same thing. My husband and I got married last June and I wonder sometimes if I have made a mistake. My husband disciplines my children and is sometimes very harsh. I know everybody is biased about their kids but mine truly are good kids. They are polite, easy to please, pleasant, and very engaging of other people. Thank God his three grown kids live out of state. But when they come (and one is coming on Mothers Day:( ) they are so unpleasant to be around. They ignore my kids and never engage them. When my kids try to engage them there is no eye contact and curt one word replies. I find them very rude and unpleasant to be around. The daughter is no help, never lifts a finger (she’s too busy on her laptop and texting) and is a slob when she visits. My husband is always referring to her “poor thing” (she is a student and the University of Hawaii and is on her way to Spain to spend 6 weeks) and makes my kids clean up after her. My husband thinks she is an inspiration to my 16-year-old daughter…gag!
He thinks his kids walk on water but he’s very hard on mine. He is mean sometimes to my 14-year-old son and has even called him an asshole.
Like you, I am thinking lesser of my husband and don’t want to. I have been too uncomfortable to him about any of this. You don’t say anything negative about his kids. His then 3-year-old stopped wearing pullups and when she fell asleep early one night I suggested putting a pullup on since she hadn’t poddied before falling asleep. He got very angry and said that I was trying to humiliate her!
I had the means to pay for our plane tickets to take his daughter to school in Hawaii. I had a conflict of time and he wasn’t wanting to change the flight time he had in mind. He suggeseted just he and his daughter fly to Honolulu. Without me! I have provided many other things too for his kids. Sometimes I feel as if I am just a means for him to do things for hids kids.
He has a 4-year-old daughter who stays with us a couple days a week. I love children but I cringe when I know she’s coming over. She’s very odd for a child her age….can’t put my finger on how but other people think so too. Her father dotes on her. She continually pouts and cries to get her way. I can’t feel the warm and fuzzies towards her and I feel badly because I love most kids.
Good luck to you and thanks for givingme the opportunity to vent.
My husbands kids are 8&9… Oldest is a control freak having to know everything and telling everyone what to do. Youngest is disrespectful and never does what he’s told. Kids are suppose to be with us every other week but bio mom is ” stressed out” she has older kids and these two were the product of her second marriage to my husband. Bio mom screams yells and demands we take them whenever she can’t handle her time with them. Husband travels for work so oftentimes she is calling me. Both kids are spoiled disrespectful to me and their dad. I stopped listening to them and now demand please and thank you’s. if I don’t get one they get ignored. I have a daughter in college and she was raised so differently. Oldest control freak is so bad our lives seem ran by. 9 year old- if we go out she calls constantly if she doesn’t get her way she throws herself on the floor in a tantrum. Youngest one will shit and smear it all over when he’s angry…. I love my husband but I’m contemplating leaving- I’m just too old to raise ungrateful and disrespectful kids- even their own grandparents stopped visiting us.
I separated from my husband this month. He has five kids from a previous marriage. The mother is never around – she is crazy. She doesnt pay child support – she is good for nothing. I left because I’m pregnant and want my pregnancy to be stress fee, and also bring a newborn into this world without worrying if something bad will happen. My husband needs to get his kids help – major help, and in the mean time, I’m okay with moving out and making myself and my unborn baby #1. My husband cant do it right now – he’s a single parent raising 5 ungrateful, messed up kids. I am going to work on myself – I know my feelings of hate toward the children are not right. They just arent. I know that I will never love them as if they were my own, but to hate them is not right. They didnt ask for their mother and father to split. I need to work on myself and he needs to work on him and on the kids. Ladies, if you have to step away for a while, step away for a little while. Dont divorce.
You need to take care of yourself. I’m in a similar situation – partner has three kids and youngest two are a nightmare. Youngest has ADHD and dh refuses to discipline him or set any boundaries. Bm has borderline personality disorder. I’m pregnant with my first and just don’t want to live with his kids so considering moving out like you. Good luck with it.
I met my husband 10 years ago. We fell in love. We dated long distance for 2 years, each living in another country. I was divorce with two beautiful older children and had a high paying career.
I wanted to break up with him after the two years but through time he convienced me to move to his country.
I got here with all of my savings, my belongings (5 bedrooms, living room, dining, family room) and me. My older children did not want to move, so we made an arrangement that I would return every three months. My husband agreed. He also agreed to come with me at least once every two years. He has never visited them.
My husband had been married before me and has four children. They would come and visit during holidays- about 120 days a year- up to nine weeks at a time. His ex-wife has a substance abuse issue. Most often she would just be out of it, problem is she is also a surgeon so many people brushed it aside. Once she passed out while operating.
Once I moved to his country I had to find a job. My career turned out not to be an option in this country. I tried other avenues. I did not make much money and helped my husband pay bills for our home and for his children. My savings dwindled and was gone over the years. I did visit my children every three months for the first four years, but my husband did not go. Due to my career options and my dwindling savings I decided I better go back to college and reeducate myself so that I could earn a living. Also, along the way my husband’s ex would just drop the kids off and leave the country. Because my career had not taken off and I worked prn or consulting I “helped” him so that he did not have to stop working. I did go back to school and was doing well. Then the ex wife was found with needles in her arms and feet and passed out, so the children came overnight to live with us. I stopped school to help get them settled into their new city, schools and helped promote whatever I could for friendships and sporting activities. What a nightmare! The oldest is a girl, then a boy and the last two are girls. They all ignored me, were majorly disrespectful to me and my husband. My husband did nothing. He allowed them to do whatever they wanted, including breaking my grandmothers dining set (which is about 150 years old, and was in great condition prior). My husband laughed when they did this. The oldest girl stole my belongings, she went through my personal papers (tax returns, my divorce papers) and she was very manipulative. The boy was disrespectful, completely rude and broke many of my belongings, but did not steal my personal items nor go through my personal papers. The third child was disrepectful, at age 10 told me ” I find it very strange that you would smile at me”.
Anyways, my husband was working 7 days a week and I was here with the children to take care of them. I did all the work in the house. The children had no responsibilities because my husband would not enforce any sort of arrangement, and would undermine me at the slightest opportunity-giving the power of the house to the children. My husband enrolled them in 3 and four activities after school a week. He sent them to very expensive schools and then had to work extra to pay for it. My husband complained he never had time to do anything for himself, but of course he did not count the three nights a week of karate with his son or the times on sunday sailing with the other children or the dinners I arran
ged for him with the oldest child so she could have one on one time with her dad.
We were in court with the ex for 3.5 years, because she wanted the children back— she was still using but we still had to go every month, spending about 6K a month. We had no money for anything other than the children= his children. I could not go anywhere, especially to see my children/family. I could not work, because I had to be here for his kids. One of the kids was tested positively for major learning disabilities when first arriving here, so I was doing an hour of homework a night, and cooking dinner-sometimes starting at noon to get it all done. My husband would not spend time with me alone, except sex at night. At the time I felt it was a crisis situation and did what I felt was necessary to integrate the children into the best childhood life I could help it be. The problem came when my husband failed to do his part. Allowing his children to be the head of our home. He catered to them and gave into their desires. I have told my husband many times that the household he was creating was not one I wanted to be a part of in any way, and that over time I was very unhappy. I also pointed to exact behaviors from him that put his children in the power position over me in our home and marriage and explained that this was ruining our marriage. I wanted to leave. He said he would change…….I told him he HAD to go to counseling. He went once and said he was all better.
Turns out now I can’t resume the studies I was involved in and have to take second best or a lower paying role. My license for what I do in my country has expired, being in my new country, I had to give all or nothing. Therefore, I have no means of supporting myself right now. I can’t visit my children related to money, I can’t work because he can’t afford for someone to take care of his children. I am actually quite worried that if I did work he would slow down his work and want the money I make for the home instead of for me to see my children.
I started noticing feeling resentful toward him a few months ago and then all of the sudden I think I hate him. Just like that. I am shocked how fast this happened.
This has been going on for 5 years.
How does one plan an exit strategy when they have nothing left to exit with. Shame, but I think I will find a way.
Good for you! You need to get away from that asshole.He is using you and has no respect for you or he wouldnt be so stupid. When
You finally leave his sorry ass he will miss you but not for the right reasons. Now hell need to get a nanny and pay for that service. Good luck and God speed!
I am at the where I can’t stand it any more. I have a nightmare of a stepdaughter. My Husband and I got married 10months ago He is currently in the Army and had 3 kids to other women. Right before we got married he told me his middle child is coming to live with us, I told him not right away I am not ready for that as I have no kids of my own and wasnt ready to deal with someone elses. He told me ok thats fine, well that was a lie two weeks after I got to his base we went and got her. So I thought lets make the best of it but I guess she wasnt having it. I tried bonding with her but all she gave me was crap and on top of that she only gave me crap when he wasnt around. I started working and it just got wores because he was away alot and I got even more crap from her. So I grounded her but as a working woman she had time before and after school to do what she wants. I got laid off and didnt tell her I knew something was up , So I got up before she went to school but stayed in my room to see what she was up too. Well I was right she was letting her friends into the house while I wasnt home and not coming straight home after school. Had a talk with her but she didnt care. I dont know what to do any more. I want to have kids of my own but not with a teenager in the house that tells me if I have kid she will hurt them. I am to the point now that I am ready to walk away I feel like what I said before to my husband went in one ear and out the other. I am not cut out to be a step parent full time. I dont understand I have both a step mom and step dad and I have love them both from day one I have even asked if I was this bad when I was young and they both told me NO, So they werent able to help me. So where do I go from here???
I was lead to believe my step-kids to be were ok with our relationship. We plan a destination wedding, they along with my 2 kids were our wedding party. My daughter and step-daughter to be helped me pick out my dress, shopping excursions in NYC to find their dresses and the 2 boys picked out their outfits as well. Our wedding was in Key West in January with immediate family joining us for a fun-filled week. Everything was fine until the day after the wedding and then all hell broke lose. I’ve been told “don’t take it personal we just aren’t ready for this” we want our Dad to not be with anyone and their Biological Mom is a mental health book waiting to be written. We’ve only been married 5 weeks and I’m ready to run! We’ve been together 3 1/2 years, I’ve known the kids for 2 1/2 years and we’ve lived together for 1 1/2 year. My kids ages 15 & 19 are fine, happy and getting quite annoyed at their step-sibs ages 13 & 14 who are spoiled beyond belief, treated like they are 8&9 and have no accountability for anything. Evidently, my Husband knew how they felt, but figured with time it would all work itself out and feared if he told me that I wouldn’t have stayed with him, moved in with him and never would have married him. I’ve been sold a bill of goods, I’m sad, angry, hurt and quite honestly physically sick daily about this. I have a great job, earn a very good income while their Mother is on disability due to Fibromyalgia. For someone on disability she certainly leads a very full and active life, unlike friends of mine who’ve worked while battling cancer. I’m not strong enough to handle this, nor after a very difficult divorce after being married for 18 years do I want to deal with this. I feel trapped.
Get out and do it fast. nobody is worth that treatment and if they disrespect you that much you mayas well put your boundries up take care of yourself and make plans to leave. The brats dont change just get worse so stop the madness and alam your foot down on all including your master or q
somhou can call him huaband. But husbands are to love and treasure their wives.doss he? Good luck!
Ds
I am in the same situation. My husband (love of my life, a very noble and amazing man) has primary custody of his 11 and 15 year old daughters because his ex is a nut job as well. She’s been deemed too nutty to raise the kids herself but apparently not nutty enough to lose visitation so now she just screws them up part time but it is enough to make things nearly intolerable. It is comforting to hear that I’m not the only one that feels this way. I used to beat myself up and feel guilty, assuming there must be something wrong with me since they’re just “innocent kids” but I have finally grown to accept how I feel and now I’m just trying to maintain until the oldest one leaves at 18. She is the main issue, she appears to have the same disorder (or set of disorders) that her mom has. I like the 11 year old. She still annoys me to no end at times and I would prefer to not have her around as much but I do like her, she seems to have potential that the other one just doesn’t seem to have. It is SO hard to live like this. I just don’t know what to do. I am in counseling, we all are, but it doesn’t help much. The last time I saw the counselor I made the comment that at this point I’m just looking forward to her turning 18 so it will end and his response was that it doesn’t end there because we still have to decide who’s paying for her college… Really?? WTH? Nobody paid for my college but me. My husband paid his own way too, all the way to a PhD. I swear, some of these people who make 300 bucks an hour just seem to be out of touch with the rest of us. Unless she makes some serious changes in the next 2.5 years, the only thing she’s getting from me at 18 is a boot to the ass. Unbelievable, this guy. Yeah, counseling is helping a lot….not!
I wish I had thought to get support sooner and am so glad that I found the websites for step parents. Being a step parent is a thankless job. Like the previous post-er, it has taken me a long time to get to the point I am at also. Over 15 years ago I met my DH and dealing with this situation has been intolerable. I married a man with 5 kids. I made all of the classic mistakes and now I sit here 17 years later trying to figure out why I’ve betrayed myself. My DH and my sks treat me in a way that I am embarrassed to admit I have tolerated. I am trying to come to terms with why I allowed this behavior. I tried to manage it alone and I entered into counseling approximately 3 years ago and have a good relationship with myself now. I am 53 and have decided I want nothing to do with his children (no more pretenses) and am reconsidering whether I want to be with my DH. I am angry that they got all of the benefits of having me here and I will never receive any gratitude for what I have sacrificed. In the end, I regret most that I tolerated this and put myself in this situation. I am a woman who has had few regrets in my life and this is a bitter pill to swallow. I really f’d up. I should have left him years ago. I have given him an ultimatum. Either this situation changes, or else.
i was hoping by reading this it would give me faith that someday i will like maybe even love my step sons…. i have been with my husband for about 10 years now and have a good marriage. i knew when we met he had kids already but they lived far away and their mother would not let my husband have any contact with them at all so it never crossed my mind that i would have to raise them someday. we have three great sons together that i love more than anything and we all had a great life, that all changed about 4 months ago when cps called my husband saying that we took the boys or they would go to foster care cause their mother is a crazier bitch than i even thought. now these two boys ages 10 and 12 who i dont know didnt want to know and didnt really ever think about are living with us. they are nasty lying spoiled disrepectful little shits…. they are mean to my kids hitting and lying about them. i cant stand them in the least i know that 4 months is not that long but with them yelling at me lying about me to my husband and just being little reflections of their cazy bitch of a mother i just want my life back… is there any hope that maybe someday i will like them?
My 13 year old stepson came to live with us about a year ago. I don’t like him either. He is spoiled, lazy and entitled thanks to his Mother who babied the crap out of him. My husband works 2nd shift, so I am the full time care giver, I am basically a single parent to this child. Not to mention that I have a 5 year with Autism that needs my full time attention. I have guilty feelings over my dislike of this kid, but I can’t help myself.
I have a problem with my stepson he is 5 spoiled and
Annoying. I try my hardest to feel something for him but it seems hopeless. Not to mention his stupid uneducated mother doesnt help. She plots him and his father against me and ihate it. My boyfriend spoils and babies him, and it pisses me off. I love my man and want us to work but I dont agree with the way he is raising him. Granted he doesnt live with us but when he comes to visit my first question is “when is he leaving”. Feels good to know im not alone. But I still feel like im wrong for feeling this way. I also see his mother in him and it makes me wanna hurl. I have no children, and although I would like to have some one day I feel as if tho if I have them with my
man his son will becomea even bigger problem. Only bc he doesnt want to share his father with me a sibling will create Ww3. And I refuse for my child to play 2nd
I found comfort in the comments… I too HATE, despise, loathe my step sons (hubby managed to knock up 2 vaginas in high school) and for years I have felt guilty about it although now I don’t. It’s taken me 15 years to get to this point. The boys were tots when we got together and now thank goodness they are almost to the age where their money grubbing mothers will lose their income aka child support and their ammo (kid under 18) to make us miserable.
I want nothing to do with either one, could care less about them and if given a choice I’d probably push them off a cliff. Now… its not because they are bad, horrible or rude. They simply remind me of their mothers. Their mannerisms, the way they talk, their personality and every fiber of their being is their moms. It sickens me.
The way I feel now wasn’t how I felt when we got together. I loved his boys however as they got older they become more like their moms it now takes every ounce of my soul to not wish cancer on them.
What I’m writing is harsh, crazy, evil and even insane but this is how I feel and I sugarcoated it for years which made it worse. I hate them! I can’t stand them! And I can not wait until the day that my husband gets his freedom back when the courts finally release him from their grip. He is a good man, a good father however he was never given a real chance at raising them. Instead it was relatives forcing us to play nice or the other spectrum of threatening to increase child support as he struggled to pay it if his back seat bangs didn’t get their checks.
Thank you for letting me vent. And we’re not alone…. don’t feel bad, you’re only going to make things worse if you lie to yourself about caring for a kid you don’t like or want.
I truly understand where you are coming from!! My husband and I married 26 years ago and the problems have been constant with his children. I do not have any children! He has children from 2 failed marriages, two from the first marriage and 1 from the second. Two ex-wives and both of them have given problems as well.
I am at the end of my rope with the disrespect, the enormous sense of entitlement, and they are constantly causing problems between me and my husband. It would take me another 26 years to go into all of the details.
I have tried to help, I have tried to care about them, but I am so tired of being pushed around by them. They are the most disgusting group of individuals I have ever met, bar none, I have decided to completely remove them from my life. It’s the only thing that is left for me to do.
My stepson has tried to hit me, and my husband is right in the room and doesn’t even get off the couch to come to my defense. He is a scary person and has a tendency to be mean. The two oldest ones are the worst.
Can’t stand them and it is not for a lack of trying on my part! My husband is 20 years older than me and I believe his kids are bound and determined to make our last years together as miserable as they possibly can.
Thank you very much for your honesty. I am in a long term relationship and met his children when they were small. I loved them very much and sacrificed my energy, money and time to make their lives better. 20 years later, I have nothing to do with any of them. Nothing.
Thank you for sharing! I’m in the same boat, and I can’t add much to what you’ve written, as it is my story as well…almost. I had a unique circumstance in that I was a heavy drinker when I met my wife and her children. Upon quitting the booze, a good friend told me to try to form a more solid relationship with my step kids (they’re 11 and 12 now, were 8 and 9 when I met my wife) The reasoning made sense; I was drinking alot, and I had a very negative approach to issues in the home. Fair enough. So now I’m sober, completely, and I have much more patience and I;m no longer confrontational. Trouble is, my wife is a jellyfish parent..she gave in to their every demand for a very long time. It is now almost irreversable. I am always being accused of picking on them and favoring my own children over them. But a typical day in our home consists of the step kids fighting over the video game console, refusing to clean up after themselves, getting extemely mouthy and pushing their mom until she gives in to them. I detest them. I feel terrible…I belong to a 12 step program and the big emphasis is to become more kind and loving in the home…but I would rather throw those kids into the street than to even look at them. I’ve almost given up trying to “bond” with them..there is no respect returned.
I’m in a 12 Step group and wish I’d practiced the program in my relationship with my step kids. Yes, the program of AVOIDANCE. They are awful and I should have taken care of myself sooner and now have to deal with coming to terms with why I let myself run around delusional that I would ever feel emotionally secure or physically secure around them when they lie and are manipulative. The oldest ss slashed her own sister’s tires…why did I think we’d get along?
omg i hate my boyfriends 1 1/2 year old daughter, she will be 2 in march of this year. we have been together since she was 4 months….long story short he moved to vegas from la…dated this gross bitch for 3 years and accidently knocked her up, she kept the kid and they split up and then he met me im 25 with no kids but i want my own which his bitch daughter has gotten in the way of and hes 27 with 2 kids ( an autistic mistake he had in highschool that he barely sees and this new mistake) he def shoes the baby all the favoritism the other one might as well not even exist everything is about the “baby” he also makes me go outta the room and hide when his BM comes to drop off the baby and i dont know why …he says its cuz it would be weird and he afraid she would try to fight me, its clear they r over but this bitch has her claws in deep as hell….we have her every other week…i have gotten to where i do not go to vegeas with him the week that he is stuck with that mistake (his daughter) and i stay in la and wait for him to come back out here…i make excuses saying i have to work and dont wanna put the miles on my car and thats why i dont come with….he NEVER tells the BM NO….EVER everytime she asks him to watch her, he takes her..even if its longer than a week…. for the last 2 halloweens he has taken her out trick or treating with his baby momma, i think its weird because they r no longer together and it pisses me off….he once talked to his BM very early into our relationship about moving to LA and she threw a fit , so he dropped it and everytime i bring it up whining about how i dont get to see him enough and i miss him ….he yells at me and tells me “im jealous of his daughter and im always trying to come before her and that will never happen and if i have a problem with it to kick rocks ” not to mention i have had 3 abortions this year …because he doesnt want another baby cuz ” he already has one” idk what to do …hes hot and cold….one min he talks like we have a future toegther then the next he tells me its never gonna happen meanwhile im constantly being tortured with this child i wish would die….he tells me we need to be together for a couple more years before we discuss marriage and a baby ….hes always throwing it in my face that his daughter is more important that me, how smart and cute she is , hes always testin me to see how i will respond to her (i wanna vomit everytime i even hear him kiss her or baby talk to her ) ….hearing that little bitches name make my skin crawl!!!!! i have never hated someone so much in my life ….lately he has been talking about moving out here to LA to be with me but he keeps saying he has to figure out something with his bitch daughter(ever since sep i have been pulling away , i dumped him for a month and said alot of mean shit to him over the phone telling him that his daughter has been tearing our relationship apart and that he has her too much, i even called her a mistake) he knows i dont like her hes a very smart man… and i didnt go see him for halloween or christmas i think hes scared he will lose me)….im hopeing if he moves out here it will be a strain to have to meet halfway to get her constantly and this shit ill stop…i dont care if she ever sees her daddy ever again, i hate her….our relationship isnt moving forward because of her …. how do i get rid of this baby bitch and her mother for good so that i can have my own happy family with him …without her in the picture?????
Omg youre a cold hearted selfish person this baby is innocent why do you hate a little baby so much i think you need to move on and leave this child and her dad alone
You take care of yourself ok? A big hug.
Oh my god!!! You are completely gross and disgusting!! How can you call a 1 year old little baby a bitch? Honey, you need to check yourself! That little girl did not have the option to be here……I hope you NEVER have children of your own!
Your relationship isn’t moving forward because you are a mean and hateful person. Your boyfriend and his daughter deserve better than you. If he’s truly a smart man he’ll dump you.
Hi, I am sorry to hear your story, and all I can say (which you probably won’t like) is walk away. I know you love this man BUT he has made it quite clear that his daughter is always going to come first.
Please, you are young and wasting your time (not to mention your health) on this guy.
You have no ties, I know that it will hurt to separate, but you shouldn’t live with so much hatred especially with someone who will be in your life a very long time if the baby is only 2. You should free yourself while you can.
I know this because my husband and I were seeing each other for approx 2 years whilst we were with other people. He has a 15 year old son to his ex wife, and while he was with his ex fiance (who he was with while we were seeing each other), she knew things were going bad and decided that she wanted a baby, which she had. My husband left her when his daughter was 1 and we have been together since then.
Every single time I look at that child, who is 6 now, I see her mother and I severely regret everyday that I didn’t beg him to get her to have an abortion, or to let him know that I wanted to be with him sooner so then the kid was never even considered.
Now, the 15 yr old SS, who stays with us every other weekend, more on school/xmas holidays, he is wrecking our marriage. His BM is extremely religious and babies him so he is useless. He is so sneaky, a liar, and he makes me so angry inside that I could literally self com-bust! I try to talk to my husband about him, but he overprotects him and feels guilty due to the failure of the marriage to his mother, then the other failed relationship to the 6 yr old’s mother.
Please don’t make my mistakes, you can be happy and free. You have a chance to get rid of this bitch kid and her mother. I am stuck in my circumstance but you don’t have to be.
Good Luck
Holy crap! I hope he gets rid of you. You are vicious. I’m afraid for that little girl.
Wowzers, get out of that relationship NOW!
I can’t believe you can hold such much hatred for a child of that age. If you aren’t able to accept that child, you best move on because she will be in her daddy’s life forever.
If you do stay and continue to show such detest for her, she and her father will both resent the hell out of you. You can’t blame the kid for misbehaving or quite frankly anything at that age. Kids that age are still developing and need guidance.
If you are bound and determined to make the relationship work, start reading books or do research about kids her age, what developmental stages she is at. Most kids her age are imitating. Be a good role model, have fun with her. That is the easiest time to bond with a child.
If you can’t bond with a child that young, then you are the problem, not her and should really seek professional help (unless the child is autistic in which it’s still not her fault). If you are totally losing your mind about it, then get out. Get out of the relationship before you hurt that innocent child, the father, or yourself!!
I’m not saying this at all to be mean, it’s just that those negative feelings aren’t going to fade or disappear without changes within yourself and him. He needs to hear and understand your concerns (as long as they aren’t fueled by jealousy). Children will (to good parents) always come first.
Remember that abortion is not a form of birth control. Get on it or use condoms. If he is deciding this for you, then you are being used and need to get out of the relationship anyways. It sounds like he is turning you against his own daughter (purposefully making you jealous), be it that it may be indirectly or unintentional (which he is either completely cruel or ignorant).
Surely you do not want to be with someone who is emotional tormenting you and making you feel less worthy of a woman.
If you want to come first in a man’s eye, be with one that doesn’t have children. Remember, there are lots of men out there WITHOUT children. Treat him like a fish and throw him back in.
Good luck and hope you find your true happiness, it seems like it isn’t with him.
Thanks so much for your honesty. I HATE my stepson too. I really do There is absolutely nothing nice about him at all. I really really wish he would just disappear. I make no apologies for these feelings, it is very very easy for people to judge and make sweeping generalisations about how they are “damaged and traumatised and only children and I should love them in to being nice” but this is absolute bullshit. NO ONE should judge until they have been called a “f*cking Spastic” a hundred times in one night, been kicked, been stolen from, run away and told everyone who will listen how evil you are. Until this is YOUR life every day, day in day out, do not judge.
He is a nasty drug abusing, alcohol abusing, stupid yet arrogant, self entitled, self centred, disrespectful little shit who thinks nothing of using and abusing anyone who crosses his path.
There was a big blow up again only last week that ended up in the police being called, community services being called and endless verbally abusive texts from his mother (who incidentally ended her lease on her rental and moved in with her friend with no consultation and advised us one week before that there was no room for her son so he was coming to live with us), telling us what useless idiots we were.
He is back now after much drama – I suspect he will last three days. I have told husband in no uncertain terms that he pulls this rubbish one more time and I WILL kick him out myself and I really don’t care if he hates me for it. He hates me anyway and always will, so I have nothing to lose in that regard. If I lose my husband along the way then so be it I’m afraid. I love him deeply, but I love ME too and if I don’t stick up for myself no one will. I have NO rights as a step parent, but I do have the right to say no more.
When I married my husband, his 2 kids lived with their mother. We’d see them every weekend. It has turned into them living with us FULL TIME because she decided she didn’t want to be a mother anymore! Really? I don’t have any children and have known my whole life that I didn’t want any. I’ve lived the past 3 years as a full time mother and I’m done! I don’t like these kids! There disrespectful, lying brats that will do ANYTHING to make my husband and I fight. The best part is when my husband isn’t talking to me, the kids ignore me too! Although I see this as a bonus, you can see my point. I do everything for these two and there only 12 and 7 years old! I’m ready to hang up my keys and I know nothing would make my step son happier! He thinks if I leave he’ll have his daddy all to himself. What he doesn’t realize is that he’ll be a 12 yr old kid in day care! I’m at my wits end!
Allthough I don’t hate my 18 year old stepdaughter I am very angry with her & my own 18 year old daughter. I’ve been married for 4 years & throughout they’ve never gotten along with each other. My husband & I seperated a year ago due to this. 3 months ago we moved back together but low & behold we are
seperated once again because the girls acually had a fist fight with each other. I love my husband with all that I am but I am so tired of having to seperate because of children who are now adults. I wish
they would grow up & live their own lives so we can truly be one & livetogether.
Allthough I don’t hate my 18 year old stepdaughter I am very angry with her my own 18 year old daughter. I’ve been married for 4 years & throughout they’ve never gotten along with each other. My husband & I seperated a year ago due to this. 3 months ago we moved back together but low & behold we are
seperated once again because the girls acually had a fist fight with each other. I love my husband with all that I am but I am so tired of having to seperate because of children who are now adults. I wish
they would grow up & live their own lives so we can truly be one & sghlive
Hi, I really don’t like my stepkids either. I don’t understand why because they’re sweet, kind, funny, obedient (8 & 9, puberty hasn’t hit yet
. I’m also blessed with an awesome husband who does put me first and makes sure they know it. Their mom can be a B, but she’s still a good mom to them and mostly leaves us alone. I have so much to be thankful for, but still, after almost 4 years together, I hate it when the kids come over. I tell myself “I don’t hate it when they come over, I don’t hate it when they come over”, and I have to keep telling myself that because deep down… I hate it when they come over. It took about 3 years to realize I didn’t hate them personally, because for a long time it felt like I did hate them. They’d come in the door with the crying and whining and my nerves were shot right away. After some counseling I figured out that I really didn’t hate them, in fact sometimes I like them, I just hate it when they come over. The first few years we were married I felt like a glorified babysitter. Just because they’re outta school or sick doesn’t mean I want to take care of them. That happened so many times, even after our baby was born somehow it was my job to take care of kids over christmas break. Ugh, I just have no maternal feelings for them at all. I could never see them again and be ok. I do realize I married into having them and as the adult I need to buck up and deal with it. Just thought I’d leave a note to say even when the stepfamily situation isn’t terrible, it can still be hard. I cringe when I hear stepparents say “Oh I just love him/her/them like they’re my own”. How do you do that? You know who you love like your own? Your own. Maybe it would be different if they lived here and were part of the family everyday, but they’re not. They’re visitors, and it’s hard to feel ‘family’ with visitors. I wish the best for all of you, keep hanging in there 
.
Perfect response. I feel exactly the same!
It doesn’t make a difference if they live with you or not apparently because my stepchildren do live with us and I pray everyday that they will go live with their mom and the one that’s about to turn 18 will move out ASAP!!!!
I feel the same way about my step daughter who is 17…shes a lazy lying no good for anything snot nosed twit….just like her mother whom she hates
Alot of this is so familiar. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and were planning to divorce until his teenage daughter shows up to live with us. He barely ever saw her over the years. I don’t like her; she’s way too much like her Mom and loves to start trouble anytime she can. In no way does she fit into our house. Sorry, but I thought I was getting a divorce and gained a 16 year old kid I don’t even want around. The truth sounds so evil; but it’s the truth
I completely feel the same, I hate every Fridays because that the day when they always come and I need to accommodate my life for them ( I also hate when their mom finds something to do for us on the weekends, as if using me on the weekend as a babysitter is not enough!!!). I love Sundays, because they are leaving… In all this situation no one is considering that it is absolutely inhuman to ignore the tension in the family created by the “visitors”…. I do not even remember when the last time, I could stay at my own house on the weekend without them!!!
The lesson here, DONT marry someone with baggage plain and simple let some other sucker support them and put up with the BS .They will never respect you.Over and Out.
You said it Mike. That is the only real solution in alot of cases. Some relationships are just not meant to be, and if one goes ahead, like I did and marries someone knowing they have children, and it doesn’t work, there’s a whole new problem that isn’t easily solved by a long shot.
Unfortunately I’m now realising this too. It’s a bit late for me though as I’m pregnant and will likely have to give up my job. I’ll manage though.
I hate being a step mother too!!
I hate being expected to love him. It fills me with guilt but as much as I try, I simply can’t.
For anyone considering this, this is the truth of the matter.
It all started Rosey with my ss. He was 2 at the time… Cute and easy to like. I thought (naively as I was full time sm), I’d see him as my own.
Fast forward and he is now 7. I can’t stand to even look at him. It started to happen when I fell pregnant a year in to being a step.
It’s as if all of a sudden his mere presence was enough to make my blood boil.
I felt as though all of my firsts had been taken.
People didn’t say how adorable, he has your eyes etc after I’d given birth instead-
They said to ss Oooh look at your brother he looks just like you.my son went into special care as soon as he was born.when he was well enough to be held…who was he passed to?! Ss
I can’t tell you how resentful I was… It was as if i was just an incubator. I tried to control it but I couldn’t.
With every year that passes it gets worse. The more sneaky he becomes the more he gets to me.
My bs is now 2 and he can get on my last nerve too…
The difference is after I have told him off I can snap right back into cuddles and kisses. It doesn’t happen with ss.
I am being honest here and I may get slammed for it, but it’s the truth. I feel bad for it believe me I do! I have to force FORCE myself to cuddle him.
I wish with every fiber in me that I had never got involved.
It causes problems in your marriage.
Stress with the bio.
Random people look at you like your the devil when they know your not the bio. (I have actually had people turn their backs to me and then only address my husband!!)
In my case the inlaws have not accepted me(I think because mil was also a step and knows that you just don’t have a bond).
You will never get out of it unless you divorce (which has crossed my mind).
My own parents love him and I find myself angry because I can’t.
I am not evil and have a big heart infact I always had hoped to adopt one day
But this is just something I cannot do, and definately makes me feel like the scum of the earth.
I feel like I just wrote every single bit of what you did because it is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.
I too do not like my step-children but my husband sides with them all the time. They hav stole, lied, and any number of things to me and he fights with me when/if I say anything. What do I do? I have a good idea but is this normal?
Gigi–
I am going through the same thing as you. I know that this has to end and it will end in divorce because he does not respect or love me when he fights with me in front of his daughter when she does wrong so now I don’t even interact much with him as a result and separate myself from both of them when she is here. Please know that while you might love him you don’t like him and love yourself first so you will take the right course of action. He will not change and you will resent things more as time goes by. Get out and get someone who will love you and respect you.
Where is anyone to step in and offer feedback? I see multiple stories that relate to mine here but no one saying how to fix it. I have tried to have a relationship with my stepson for YEARS now and everything seems to go ok until he starts getting in trouble by being disrespectful and not handling his responsibilities. Then I step in as I am the disciplinarian in our household, and then my stepson throws a fit and so his Dad gets protective and says, in front of his kid mind you, that I just hate his kid! I have never once said this myself. It is always my husband claiming I do for disciplining him. He does the same thing to coaches, teachers, ANYONE who gets after his kid. He has been doing this for the past 7 years now. Then whenever his kid gets in trouble, my husband immediately throws my kids into it when they have absolutely NO involvement and do not even live with us!
My husband has even gone as far as to say, again in front of his kid, that he will ALWAYS choose his son over me and will divorce me over him. He has threatened to divorce me multiple times over him.
When the stepson is gone, my husband and I get along great and our home runs smoothly. And when my husband is gone, my stepson and I get along great. But when they are together its like they gang up on me. The stepson will not do as I ask him to do (chores, homework, etc), he will be rude and disrespectful, and my husband attacks me telling me how worthless I am and how I don’t do anything.
I cannot live like this anymore! It’s INSANE!!! What are you to do when you are in this situation?? My husband is bringing divorce papers home today. I dont want to divorce him, especially since we have 3 children together. But what else can we do?
You should divorce him definitely and find a real man, a man that loves abd respects you cause he doesn’t …
A man that really love his wife puts her first, cause when the couple are happy all is well.
What he did by telling his son he would prefer him is unforgivable , you should have walked out. Be strong and believe you can be really loved, this man is just a coward , tell him to marry hus son.
I commiserate with all these posts above. I too am a stepmother and i hate my stepkids as well. Only, it’s mostly because of their horrible actions and life decisions. They are 17, and almost 21. My husband is older than i am, on his second marriage with me and i’m on my first. I love him dearly but his kids have caused SO my discontent in our marriage that sometimes i don’t know how i’m going to make it. I feel like due to his “guilt” of only having them part time through the divorce, he is overprotective of them as well and they are both spoiled. I wish he’d practice tough love on them, as his son has now knocked up 2 girls…so there are 2 grandchildren. Don’t even get me started on his 17 year old daughter. His ex wife is also a complete psycho and never was there for his kids.
There are days where it gets so bad that i just want to walk….as I feel like my husband is more focused on “fixing” his children than protecting our relationship from all their dysfunction and problems. It’s devastating to me.
My husband and your husband have similar issues it sounds like. My husbands guilt about divorcing has caused him to overlook his kid’s awful behavior. I am a tolerant person but his children do not come around except when they need money and aren’t nice any other time. Being from the “outside” the behavior is glaringly noticible but he just takes it to maintain a relationship and avoid conflict. We have come close to divorce many times and spent hours in counseling for this exact issues. Finally, 6 years later, he sees the light. His son and ex-wife had been lying about the son’s criminal activity for years all to secure the continued use of our vehicle and college support. After several bouts with marijuana charges right out of high school my husband laid down the law…any more run-ins with the law and financial support stops. Over the years, I had a feeling that something sinister was going on but my husband refused to look deeper until one day the son’s “baby’s momma” (oh yea, we have a grandson too and he didn’t support the child or the mother) slipped up and mentioned something about him being on probation. Finally, I went inside the house, logged on to a website, paid $30 for a criminal record and WOW it was longer than I had even suspected. DWI’s, public intoxication, multiple marijuana possession charges. That got my husband’s attention and he pulled the financial plug. His whole family was screaming how can you abandon the kid? Well, pulling the financial plug on a 26 year old is not abandonment, in this case it is refusing to support unacceptable behavior. The now 25 and 27 year-olds obviously have Mommie issues. I’ve tried to have relationships with them but continually get blamed for everything that doesn’t go their way. At this point, I really dont’t care and won’t allow them to cause uphevel in my life. My own children have started with this behavior, my 16-year-old is punishing me for leaving his dad 8 years ago by not talking to me for over a year. I miss having a relationship with my boy, it breaks my heart, but I refuse to have a relationship based on control, dominance, and bullying.
Wow I dont feel left out now, I can’t stand my step children. They have not done anything wrong I just don’t like them or there mother. I feel my husband is nicer to them then the kids we have together, and bends over backwards for them. I get no attention when they are around, I totally hate hate hate the situation, we only get them on the weekends. Ages from 10 to 5. Grrrrrr
Yep. Get it.
I am in the same situation. My partner and I have been together for five years now. She has three children. The oldest 12, and 10 are girls. The youngest is a boy, 5. I thought that being a stepparent would grow on me, but over the years I have come to realize that it will not. In fact, the opposite is happening as the children get older and more disrespectful. This is a constant source of conflict for my partner and I. I wish that she would just accept the fact that I am not a “kid person,” and love me just the same. Just as I have to accept the fact that she has three kids. I wish she would either just accept me how I am, or find someone else to be with that want to raise her disrespectful children. Yeah. Good luck with that.
I cannot stand my stepkids and make no apologies for it. Just plain and simple – can NOT stand them. I went into this marriage with high hopes, but as each day goes by I see nothing will ever change. The youngest is in middle school and all I see stretched out before me are all the years left until she is finally GONE! The boy is the oldest and he is just useless. I mean, useless! If he wasn’t my stepson I wouldn’t even want him in the house around my other kids. Rude, arrogant, sloppy and just all in all a jerk. There are times I wish I had never gotten remarried. Seriously. There are times I wish I could just run away from this entire situation, but I really love my husband and I want “us” to work. Just wish I didn’t have to deal with these stupid stepkids.
I agree with all above. But what happens when, after 9 years together, his children of 16 and 18 now refuse to come to our house. We have been separated for 4 months because he would leave constantly over his children (not liking it here). He is now put in the situation where he has to choose between them and myself and still is unable to stand up to his children who have never wanted us, liked sharing him and have huge issues about being disloyal to their other parent. I only want him to come back if he can be 100% supportive of me and our marriage – without the fear of him leaving again for his children. He has always “over protected” them, no matter what and I fear he is still doing it. They don’t like me because they think I treat him terribly and he deserves better. They don’t know their mother had an affair and went out every weekend for a year or so before they broke up. They also think my teenage daughter is bossy (aren’t most teenage girls.. he has one too). My kids have always wanted this family, and been very loving and forgiving.
I have two children of a similar age who love him dearly – asked to call him Dad four years ago and he refused them but did eventually change in our last year – which was great for my kids but his kids didn’t like it either. They are now very hurt and don’t trust him not to leave again. What would you do in my position?
I’m kind of in the same situation here. My stepkids think their mother is just this wonderful person – far, FAR better then me since you know, I am THE mean, wicked, ugly stepmother. Little do they know she is some piece of work. Just some alcoholic, drug popping, sleeping-around on her husband kind of gal. Yes. A fine “upstanding” citizen through and through. NOT. You are in an uphill battle here, just as I am. The stepkids are going to do whatever it takes to get rid of you. If your husband doesn’t pull his head out of his butt and stick by YOU, he is going to find himself divorced again – mark my words. You aren’t going to put up with being second in his life. I told my husband that I had better start coming first, or I’ll go off and get my life back (the one I had before I became the mean, wicked, UGLY stepmother) and go back to being a normal, divorced woman with 3 wonderful children of her own – and not have that stigma of being a mean, wicked, ugly stepmother. I hate it. I really do. I HATE being a stepmother.