I Can Not Stand My Stepchildren!

Dear Dr. Coleman,

What do you do when you don’t like the kids of the man you married? I married a great guy 3 years ago, love of my life, but his kids drive me up the wall. They’re disrespectful to him (not to me yet, but I’m sure that’s coming), demanding, and spoiled. Worse, I just don’t like them as people. They’ll all be out of the home in about 5 years but that’s 5 years too long. How do I survive?

Dear Reader,

This is a common complaint that I get from stepparents. There is a lot to tease apart here:

  • Many stepmothers feel guilty that they don’t like their stepchildren. Most women are raised to feel like they’re going to love being a mother and therefore feel confused and self-critical when those feelings don’t spring eternal for their husband’s kids. Guilt and self-criticism are hard on oneself and hard on a marriage. Work to accept that you feel the way that you feel and that that doesn’t make you a bad person.
  • Sometimes stepchildren are difficult or unlikable as an expression of loyalty to the parent who isn’t in the home. Their guilt about being close to you may make them feel more conflicted about having you like them and of them liking you. Assume it will take some time for a relationship to develop. Maybe years. Don’t assume that it will go quickly.
  • While you don’t have to love them, you should try to find some common ground with them. Not only is this important for them, it is key to your having a life in a blended family.  So, see if you can find something, ANYTHING, that you might have in common. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy: a TV show, a musical artist, a love of a certain kind of food, an author–just some toehold of similarity and compatibility to build a relationship from.
  • Let your husband know what bothers you the most about their behavior. If they hog the television, talk on the cell phone during dinner, talk over each other all of the time, ask him to step in more. But don’t assume that he can change all of their behavior to accommodate you. If he can change even some of their behavior, that’s a good thing. However, if they behave in ways that are directly disrespectful to you, it’s better for you to set limits with them yourself in the same way that you would set limits with anyone else.
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96 Comments

  1. marci
    Posted April 19, 2014 at 10:23 am | Permalink

    My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but i decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then i went online there i saw so many good talk about this spiritual man King Shola reuniting families and homes with his spell powers. I asked for his email reunitehomespelltemple@gmail. com, so i had to contact him and in just 9 days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to, and that was what happened. I am so grateful.

  2. Posted April 17, 2014 at 4:55 pm | Permalink

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  3. Annonymous
    Posted March 5, 2014 at 1:19 am | Permalink

    I hate my 19yrs old stepdaughter, she hates me. I can’t wait for her to move out and it seems like it’s not gonna be anytime soon. It has been the most miserable 11years of my life.

  4. Daddy daddy daddy
    Posted February 9, 2014 at 4:07 pm | Permalink

    My story is just as crazy as everyone else’s! I feel like I’m not alone! Ok so I met my husband in 2012, I knew he had a kid, she was 2 at the time! We met in April 2012 moved in right away, poor mistake! We picked up his daughter in June from Michigan I thought she was just coming to visit but ohhhh no she was there to stay! The mom has bi polar and obviously has issues, but I felt like my husband just wanted to keep his kid! Now here’s the deal I have 2 kids of my own in high school so I been through this shit already! When his daughter came I wasn’t happy! She would follow him around the house and hold onto him constantly and then she would sit on his lap for hours! And I am not exaggerating I’m talking from the time I got home from work at 3pm till 9pm! Now I didn’t know what to say bc I was the new girl friend but it was over whelming! Then it hit to the point where I couldn’t have any alone time with him or sit next to him while we watched movies! Well she ended up going back to her moms! She came back in November and it got worse! She refused to do anything on her own, my husband catered to her and endulged her like crazy! She manipulates my husband and you would think that a year old wouldn’t know how to do that but she does! She would say daddy daddy daddy a million times, come sit next to me daddy! You don’t like me daddy! Well she went back to Michigan and came back this past summer and things blew up! My husband and I fight over her constantly because he doesn’t like to discipline her and I have to but nothing works! She is 4 now and refused to potty train and would poop on the bedroom floor she refused to put her clothes on, wanted daddy to it which is his fault! She screams at the top of her lungs when she doesn’t get her way and says to my husband Mel doesn’t let me do anything! She plays us against each other! My husband is a play mate not a father! She told my husband I just want it to be me and you daddy, like seriously! I’ve talked to her mom about it and his ex girlfriend! Everyone agrees that this child should be getting away with this! She is 4 and she won’t do anything to occupy herself like children normally do, watch cartoons play with toys, color ect.. She is constantly up my husbands ass! My husband said he would stand by me and I would stand by him when it came to disciplining but that didn’t last long! Supposedly I’m constantly attacking his kid when I tell her to stop repetitively about leaving the cats alone or getting into shit! So it gets put on me that she is just unhappy, well guess what you don’t handle your kid and you want put structure in her life she won’t listen! She smiles when we argue like it makes her happy, that’s messed up! No I don’t want her here in my house! I raised to kids and I didn’t let my kids get away with anything i put my foot down but still loved them! All I hear is daddy daddy daddy a million times a day! She is up his ass and vice versa, I’m saying don’t love your kid but Jesus when is enough enough! I’m on the verge of a divorce! Right now she is crying because she won’t try and learn how to use a wii remote to watch netflix on her tv she wants every one to do everything for her! She hurts the animals and tried to make up stories about my kids who are in freakish high school, like really! It’s like control your kid fix it, send her back to her mom or we are divorced

  5. Wayne
    Posted January 19, 2014 at 10:30 pm | Permalink

    hello

  6. James
    Posted December 30, 2013 at 11:30 pm | Permalink

    Hello to every one out here, am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me three days ago, My name is James mack i live in United State,and I`m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she did not love me anymore So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.(supremetemple@hotmail.com}, So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day what an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who did not call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {supremetemple@hotmail.com},i f you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to “bringing your ex back. So thanks to Dr PAPA for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.(supremetemple@hotmail.com}, Thanks..

  7. Edwin
    Posted December 30, 2013 at 11:30 pm | Permalink

    I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS UNTIL I MET THIS WORLD’S TOP SPELL CASTER. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK ONE’S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I’M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE WOMAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS… I REALLY LOVED HER, BUT HER MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND SHE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO USA, MY GIRLFRIEND(NOW WIFE) CALLED ME BY HERSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND SHE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY GIRLFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED HIM TO DO… WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY WIFE ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS;supremetemple@hotmail.com……HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT OUR OPPORTUNITY … CONTACT THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER VIA EMAIL:supremetemple@hotmail.com

  8. tammy
    Posted December 28, 2013 at 1:55 am | Permalink

    This all sounds so familiar. I married my husband 11-25-2011 and at that time he had visitation with his kids and it always went well. His ex began giving him issues about getting the kids and we did not see them for months. On September 15,2012 we received a call from social services that the kids were being removed from her and given to us because of drug issues and child safety. From this day on my life has changed for the worse. The boys{10 and 11 at the time} acted out, they are so far behind in school because she never sent them so we were struggling with that and limits and boundaries did not exist. My husband works a rotating swing shift so the bulk of the work fell on me. I have 3 children 23,17,16. My 23 year old is in college, my 17 year old son tried to help me and it was to much for my 16 year old daughter who now lives with her dad. The stress became to much for me with work and the kids. I began taking it out on co-workers and my husband. In the end we are now getting a divorce, not because we don’t want to be together, but because the constant fighting with the kids, about the kids and to the kids became to much for everyone involved. The kids are so damaged and as a parent he needed to do what was best for everyone involved. We want to stay together as a couple but his priorities have to be his kids right now . I don’t know many situations like this, so i don’t know how this is going to turn out, but the pain of loving each other so much and having to put “us” aside for now so he can raise these kids is horrible. We are determined to try to make it but know that little time will be focused on us and im scared to death that it might not work. The thought of two people who love each other so much and yet cant be together kills me, but i do understand and know he has to do for these kids.

  9. Amnotamouse
    Posted December 17, 2013 at 2:31 am | Permalink

    Married 4 years to non-custodial father. His kids have been a nightmare on visits. I like the younger boy because he seems to have accepted me the older one, 18 now, has been a manipulative, ungrateful, hostile missile.

    I didn’t foresee such huge problems, have kids of my own. The only with real issues is the hostile missile, who seems to think the world owes him. If he were not my husbands son, he would not have been in my life this long for the strokes he has pulled.

    His most recent “visit” was terrible. He is spoiled, entitled and hostile. Can’t say much more than that, it seems to say it all. I’m having no more to do with him as he is now an adult and if he cannot be civil he is not my problem.

  10. anonymous
    Posted November 29, 2013 at 9:03 am | Permalink

    it will get worse….i have a 50 year old bitch of a step daughter whom i hate. to give you an idea of her personality and egocentric personality……she is an old maid -never been married…you ge tthe picture? She gave herself a birthday party that cost $5000 at a private club. she bought herself a tiara and sat on a throne while her friends held a microphone and bragged about her. She has become best friends with my daughter and has turned by daughter against me. My daughter has 3 children whom I adore but I am caught in the middle. For thanksgiving my daughter called me and reamed me a new one and bullied me about my behavior and that I had bette behave my self at the dinner. IMagine the gaul!!!!!!! I am caught between rock and a hard place, my daughter may just not let me see me grandchildren if I am not nice to the bitch sd…..have been in counseling have threaded to divorce my husband over it – he is 79 and I am 70…isn’t that unbelievable. the counselor -who didn’t have much great to say did offer “these are supposed to be your golden years” voila-she hit the nail on the head. I think I will divorce him – I need some peace in my life…and I will divorce my own daughter who has put me in this situation…..she really has chosen the bitch sd over her own mother. Hard to believe. She is a non communicator -so I dot know what is bothering her. Se doesnt blame me for the divorce from her father -the philanderer. she knows that part….I am befuddled about that and will probably never know.

  11. AnonyMouse
    Posted October 28, 2013 at 6:54 pm | Permalink

    Very grateful to find this site and also sad to see so many sharing the same struggle and turmoil over stepchildren. I worked hard on myself after a divorce (no children) and waited over 10 years to find the right partner. I’m ready to walk away after only a year of living with obnoxious SS16 who has no boundaries (DH condoned child drinking at 14…) no consequences and no respect for himself or anyone else. I’m in therapy and have tried very carefully and diplomatically to point out how upsetting it is to see my “manly” husband kowtow to a child and never follow-through on any requests made of the child. Hate is a strong word that seems appropriate. BM is meth addict so I do (did) have compassion for this child – I often think it is my husband’s behavior interacting with child and never teaching him i am to be treated with respect that I hate more than obnoxious child.
    Heartbreaking to think of leaving (infidelity is a deal breaker but parenting/kids seems a shameful reason to divorce.)
    I wish all of peace and joy – we deserve it!

  12. Posted October 26, 2013 at 11:32 pm | Permalink

    i am giving this testimony cos l am happy

    I never believe that there are people who can help people to get back there lover once,my husband who divorce me last year just because i was not having a children for him,so my husband never love me so my life was so bad,i did everything just to make him happy, he was not happy and i so much love him,so one day he came home angry and he told me that i should live is house that i can not given birth to a children that i should live is life that he had already call the lawyer that we are going to sign our divorce so when the lawyer came we sign the divorce,i now started living my life, so one day i was going to my friend place when i saw my old time friend,with are two kids when she now ask me about my kids and my husband tears fell off my eye she now ask me why was i crying what is the problem,she now told me to come to her house that we should talk about it,on Saturday i went to her house, when i told her all that happen,she smiled then i ask her, what is the problem that make her to smile or is she laughing at me she said no;that a man can help me to solve all this problem she said that prince ogbondu help her to get her husband back and make her to have children of her own so i told her that were is this man that can help people so she told me that this great man does not use black magic or voodoo power that this great man name prince ogbondu use Gods power to help people,she now call this great man for me we now talk on the phone, he now told me that he will call me later that he should do some prayer which he did and he call me and told me every thing that i should not worry that i am going to have children of my own he now said that my husband is going to call me back after 24hours,after the next 24hour my husband call me to come back to him that he will want me back again,now will are happy again in our marriage thanks to this great man prince ogbondu for his help and now i am three month pregnant i am the most happiest woman on this earth today thanks to him so if any body needs help contact him on his email imong.illuminati.temple@abv.bg or call him +2348070687763 once again thanks to this great man for the help and the miracle he did for me prince ogbondu you are great
    Name:Walker roselin
    Country:uk

  13. stella
    Posted September 27, 2013 at 5:04 am | Permalink

    I heard there’s grant spells for love problems?I need help

    I am Stella, i want to share testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband four years ago, i love him so much. When he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady who made my marriage a problem, he told me that he is no longer interested in our marriage any more that he want to divorce me. I was so confuse and seeking for help and i want to a life coach who did not to my problem, i don’t know what to do until i explain to my friend and she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr muku who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 2days. She gave me an email address to contact Dr muku and ask him for help. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he told me not to worry about anything that the gods of his fore-fathers will bring him back to me. He told me by two days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to stay with me and the kids, i was surprise when i saw him and he started pleading for forgiveness. I am happy to have my husband back with me again, you can contact Dr muku for any problem you are facing, he will help you out. Here’s his contact olokunspellcaster@gmail.com. He is the real spell caster on the internet so far

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  15. joy philip
    Posted September 14, 2013 at 10:50 am | Permalink

    THE GREAT POWERFUL SPELL CASTER THAT
    BRING BACK MY EX BOYFRIEND.
    I just want to say thank you prophet ahmed for all you have done for me.
    He is back now. That very powerful spell caster STOP THE DIVORCE – and get my ex boyfriend back.
    My name is Joy Philip, from Canada. I never believed in love
    spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went for a business summit
    early this year. I meant a man who’s name is PROPHET AHMED
    he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone,
    lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or
    luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to
    marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because our
    relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was
    against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster,i
    told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At
    first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try.And
    in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend(now husband) called me by
    himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his
    mother and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I
    didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my
    boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now
    and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and
    our lives became much better.in case you are in any situation you can contact
    prophet ahmed at his email solutiontemple399@gmail.com or his personal cell +2347053375151
    Thank you for all your help prophet i promise to share this Testimony to every body in the world wide.

  16. Tammy
    Posted September 12, 2013 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    I have 4 stepchildern. My husband had an affair with their mother during our marriage and the 4th child is a product of that affair. This affair has driven a wedge between me and my husbands childern. When I see them I see their mother.
    The oldest of the 4 is very munipulative, to say the least. He lies and tells his father he does not feel comfortable in our home and that is due to the fact my son does not care for my husband.
    We are now separted because my husband feels it necessary to bring the child he made in adultery to our home. Though these childern all have the same mother and live in the same household, I do not feel that I should have to continue to suffer the memory of his unfaithful by having this child in my home.

    My husband feels it is wrong to leave the child behind while his other childern are over. As it is not the child fauld I understand how he feels, but he can not seem to understand that I it was not my fault as well. He committed adultery I did not. I do not stop my husband from caring for the child or spending time with the child, but I do not what the child in my home.

  17. Lonely
    Posted September 9, 2013 at 6:00 am | Permalink

    It is sad that we all experience a lot of the same things, my situation may be a little different in that my 24 year old step daughter is a very high functioning adult with Asperger’s Syndrome, a high level form of Autism. This makes things much harder for my wife, her Mom and I because we do not know if she is capable of some of the simple things we want her to do or be.
    My wife and I have been best friends for 10 years and married for 6 of those, she is a wonderful person and I love her so much but her daughter and I just do not get along…it is terrible living in a house with someone that you have no relationship with. Part of this is the Asperger’s, she does not know how to relate to anyone besides her Mom who babies and coddles her terribly. I would like to have a relationship with my step daughter but not on the same terms as my wife’s relationship with her, I do not want to take care of or baby her like my wife does. My wife and I argue a lot about her daughter every time we argue, I feel like it is the end of our marriage. I do understand that her daughter is her only child and that she wants to take care of her but, as a man and Father of my own 2 very successful daughters – I want to help my wife and my step daughter, she needs to learn to be independent and take care of herself so she is not a constantly relying on others to take care of her or even becoming homeless someday when we are gone. Her life since graduating high school 5 years ago consists of playing on the computer or games or TV for over 14 hours a day – I would say she is an internet addict. She mostly stays in her room and we (or my wife I should say) have to remind her to do anything at all…there are dirty dishes piled up in her room, trash all over the floor/bed/can overflowing, the room and her bathroom smell like animal cages – she does not dress appropriately for our very hot weather, she wears long sweat pants and heavy cotton shirts and nightgowns which makes her sweat constantly. It is a horrible smell that permeates the entire 2nd floor of our home. We battle with her constantly to shower, help with chores and come out of her room. I have lost my temper with her in several instances and we have tried everything from reward systems, taking away priveleges, family meetings, contracts, etc. Nothing seems to work for more than a day or 2. What is even more frustrating is that she can work but she does not want to and does not make much effort to find a job after she loses one, she has worked at a job for up to 9 months before being fired. She has a car, drives, buys some of her own food and pays for her car/gas with disability money and we pay the rest of her bills and she pays no rent at all. My wife and I on the other hand, work full time during the day and run a part-time business in the evening/weekends so we are extremely busy most of time.
    We are in the middle of a terrible argument which is my fault, we came home from our first mini-weekend vacation in over a year recently to a kitchen that had dirty dishes, food on the counters and was a mess and I lost my temper and yelled again. I keep a lot inside and it takes it’s toll on my health with stress, tension, headaches and stomach issues. I am very afraid that this will ruin my marriage but I have no idea what to do or how to deal with this. Thanks for listening/reading.

    • RubyRedRabbit
      Posted October 26, 2013 at 11:26 pm | Permalink

      I feel so sorry for you there. I kinda think that’ll be my life with my aspie stepdaughter. I can’t connect with her, her hygiene is disgusting (she fights with her dad when dad makes her shower) I given her so much of my time and empathise with her, listen to her and compromise compromise compromise. I may as well be bashing me head against a brick wall. At least Id get a better response.If I say something contrary to what she wants to hear she raises her voice, screams sometimes and runs into her room. Her room is a shrine to disgustingness. I know she’s 13, but gee whiz. I hate how we can’t have interesting lively discussions at the dinner table,if she doesn’t like what she walks out of the room. She doesn’t even want to hold hands anymore when we say grace.
      I’ve decided to do that disengaging thing with her. I wish she would go and live with her ASD non functioning mother I’m so sick of it.

  18. James Carlyle
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 2:39 am | Permalink

    I have been married to my wife for three years, and been together just over four. She has three children, 22,20 and 17. And I am on the verge of leaving this incredible woman. The eldest moved out for six months, to live with her Dad, he became violent and she moved into our 3 bed house, she currently sleeps on the living room floor and shows no signs of moving out. The youngest has a part-time job and is studying towards going to University and is not really an issue. Though we rarely talk. The middle child is the problem and from day one has strived to drive a wedge between my wife and I. Nothing is ever his fault, he pays for nothing, does nothing around the house, cannot hold down a job, I could go on and on. I am normally a laid back guy at home and will support, not do anything for anyone. As I believe we make our own luck in life. However, I do find myself hating this 20 year old boy. And then I start questioning what/who do I really hate? Him for being a dick? His mother for not backing me up and making excuse after excuse for his behaviour or myself for not following my head and not my heart and getting a divorce? As I type this I am looking for a decent solicitor and seeing my options and costs.

    • Anonymous
      Posted September 23, 2013 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

      Get a divorce if you don’t have any children with this woman and don’t look back.

  19. Delilah
    Posted July 29, 2013 at 3:44 pm | Permalink

    How heart breaking that there are so many of us out there in the same boat. Yet, some bit of comfort to know I’m not the selfish, hateful, bitch I feel like right now. I am married to a man with 5 children, 2 live at home (18 and 21). The 18 year old has a part time job, pays for ‘some’ of her own things, but is the most inappropriately rude, disrespectful, lazy, demanding, foul-mouthed, bossy child I have ever met. (I wanted to type bitch, but this child surpasses that word. A word comes to mind that I refuse to utter.) Then out of the blue, she is loving and kind and grateful. It’s a mix. The 21 year old is moving home this week. She has been out of the house for a year. She has held a job for approximately 3 weeks since she moved out. She had a baby. Her father and I have paid for her rent for the full year, bought her a car, furnished her apartment, etc., etc., etc. We provided things for her and the baby so she might have a little easier time being a single mother. Huge mistake. First of all, she is extremely ungrateful. Blames her father for her foul attitude, inability to get up and get/keep a job, always has an excuse why she doesn’t have money, food, gas, etc. She smokes pot. She tends to act like this house is hers. I am the woman of this house. When I moved it, it was the foulest pig stye you could imagine. I loved my husband, he was depressed at the time. I loved him long before he was depressed. I came here and took care of him. I cleaned the home, fed him and the girls. I bought them clothes and things teenage girls need. I had the 18 year old doing chores (she was 15 at the time) to earn her allowance. It was a bit of a struggle, but she did her share. Then the other daughter came, she refused to lift a finger. When she turned 18, she stopped doing any help around the house. No cooking, no cleaning, no taking out trash, no shopping, no yard work–nothing. Foul mouthed, rude, disrespectful. The 21 year old–eats whatever she wants, cooks herself and her friends full on dinner meal at all hours of the night, leaves a mess in the kitchen, wastes half the food she prepares, her friends leave cigarette butts around. She’s moving back home this week and I am in full blown anxiety. I like her as a person, she’s nice to talk to. She has a good heart. BUT, I have a hard time with people I don’t respect: get a job, keep the job, go to work every day, pay for YOUR bills, pay us back by helping out when we ask, ask if you want to feed the neighborhood, if you’re going to have a snack, have a snack, not a 3 course meal. Clean up, this is my house now, my kitchen–I shocked this house back into a home, respect that. AND, my husband. Oh God, I just pray pray pray. I love him so much. But, every fight we have — 99% of them are because of his disrespectful children. I have a problem that he allows them to speak to him disrespectfully. I have a problem that he doesn’t enforce the house rules. I lose respect for him when his children are around. I am afraid I won’t make it with her moving back home. I love him but I can’t be in an environment where children do not respect their parents, home, etc. I can’t deal with them blaming him for everything wrong in their life, and he falls apart. It makes me despise them. They know they are hurting him, breaking his heart, and they do not care. My anxiety level goes through the roof when they are around. I am so afraid we will not survive because of his children and his inability to put his foot down.

  20. dominique
    Posted July 20, 2013 at 4:06 pm | Permalink

    Well, I am surprised at how much all of these comments have in common. All of the stepchildren are bad, and all the biological kids are good. I know it’s easy for me to say this because I don’t have children myself (never wanted to), but I do have two idiot stepdaughters.

    The youngest was seven when I met her, and she was the most adorable kid I have ever met in my life. Her sister was fourteen, and she was never my favorite person on earth, but we didn’t spend much time together because she was more interested in being with her friends.

    When my youngest sd became thirteen, she turned into someone else. People frequently say that that’s how teenagers are, and that eventually they turn into human beings again. Well, she is now thirty and may be a human being, but she’s not a person who I want to associate with. We have very different values.

    When my sd was sixteen, my husband and I moved to another country, and to my surprise, my husband’s ex – a psycho who had always gone to great lengths to prevent her daughters from spending time with us – allowed the girl to come with us. I guess if I had such a despicable daughter, I would have allowed her to go live with my ex husband in another continent too. Fortunately, at that time, my other sd, who was then twenty three, was studying in Europe.

    For the record, my husband didn’t listen to me when I asked him to give us a year until we were used to our new country before bringing his daughter to live with us. He brought her against my will. My life became a living hell overnight! Very soon I realized that I had two enemies under my roof – a horrible teenager and my husband. No matter what she did, my husband wouldn’t say a thing, so that she wouldn’t go back to mommy’s house, which she was dying to do. The mother she had complained about her entire life, all of a sudden became the best mom in the world! She said the most horrible things about her father and me to her friends and their parents. Even though she did go away eighteen months later, my husband and I still fought over her for many years after that.

    You’d think that the story is over. But no! After finishing college in her country, my youngest sd started having bellyaches about not knowing what to do with her life, and asked her father to come spend some time with him to clear her mind. Excuse me?! What the f@$&%* is wrong with this generation?! She had gone through college without working, living in mommy’s house, and now she needed a break to think?!

    Well, guess what? Daddy and her planned it all behind my back (which I later found out), and he paid for her trip. She spent three months in our house (just to get her foot in the door, then she asked to spend another three), and at the age of twenty four she was working as a hostess at a small pizza place nearby, smoking pot, drinking and driving our cars, while daddy didn’t say anything about her bad behavior. When I found out about their “conspiracy,” I flipped out, but still wasn’t strong or independent enough to pull the plug. Eventually she left.

    I have been married for twenty one years now. I’m in college, trying to get my act together, to be able to stand on my own two feet. At forty five, without a job or a career, no experience and no degree, it’s hard to trust myself. I guess this is why men treat women like shit. Because they know that we’re not going anywhere. If I were a professional with an advanced degree and a career, I’d be in another position.

    A few months ago my older sd, who is now thirty seven, asked to borrow some money. She doesn’t need it! She has an inheritance, she has rich relatives (who she has juiced for money and gifts over the years, while she says that they give her stuff because they want to), and she still lives with her mother in the apartment her father bought when he was still married to her psycho mother.

    My husband keeps promising me that he will create boundaries between him and his daughters but he doesn’t have the guts to say no to them. When they come over, they ask him to buy candy! I swear, they change the tone of voice and ask for candy! It’s so ridiculous it makes me want to throw up!

    In the end, it’s my fault to put up with this shit. I’m the week link in the chain. My husband doesn’t understand that I’m not asking him to choose between his kids and me. But he doesn’t understand that I’m just asking him to treat them as adults either. His head is messed up. They take advantage of him and this situation is never going to change. It doesn’t matter their age.

    Couples therapy hasn’t done anything for us. Somehow, I sound bad when I talk about those children. I sound like I’m the one with problems. I guess people who have children don’t understand people who don’t.

    I don’t think for a moment that my head is perfect. I know I’m messed up too. But I know that I have taken more than my share of disregard and disrespect. I know that I can hold my head high to say that I have put a lot of time, energy, and love when I helped to raise those girls. Especially the youngest. And I got nothing back. I guess people who have children at least get a special joy in return that I never will.

  21. TL
    Posted July 4, 2013 at 6:22 pm | Permalink

    I seem to have the same problem, I am suppose to get married next week. I absolutely love him but I am having doubts about getting married. If it wasn’t for his spoiled child there would be no question. I have a daughter (11) of my own and he has a son (8). They constantly fight and hate eachother. He drives me insane, we get him every other week and I despise the day he comes over till the day he leaves. He can be disrespectful at many times and is always trying to prove he is better than anyone, his mothers family spoils him and he brings it back to rub in my daughters face. We try to take him on vacation but he never appreciates anything. He doesn’t pick up after himself and always leaves messes. I have OCD so everything has a place and remains clean. He doesn’t have friends because he doesn’t want to play with them unless its his rules and and he is always bragging. I have told my fiancé that he needs help, professional help. We believe he is ADHD and he has anger problems, always wanting to grab or hit things or people when he gets mad. I have never seen any child throw tantrums like this, or seen an adult with that much anger. I told my fiancé that I don’t think its fair to him or his child that I feel this way but he stills wants to get married but I just don’t know what to do. Whether I can handle this much longer, we have been together for 2 1/2 years and only lived together for 1. I have even mentioned moving out but my fiancé says that may not help as his child will get his way by getting myself and my daughter out of the house. People say it gets better after being married but after reading all of this I am not sure it will.

    • Anonymous
      Posted August 13, 2013 at 7:45 pm | Permalink

      I wonder if you went through with the marriage. If it’s not too late, I say don’t do it! I’m in my second marriage and dealing with stepchildren again and I’m wondering why I did this to myself again. It does not get better after you get married. It gets worse. You end up living just waiting for the day the stepchild moves out.

      • Anonymous
        Posted November 8, 2013 at 8:25 pm | Permalink

        I totally agree with you ! I have an almost 21 yr old stepson who is so coddled and babied , it’s sickening ! He is above disrespectful to his Dad , but never any consequences for his actions .. It’s always ” ALL ABOUT HIM “. I see no problem with him either moving out ( he works full time and can afford it ) or just go live with his mother and just visit us . Dad would rather have turmoil in the house and fight with me than ask his baby boy to move out His room reeks , he gets mad when the door is closed … God forbid anyone does ANYTHING to upset the poor baby !
        I love my husband , but I just don’t know how to wait it out until he moves out ! God help me !!!

    • Anonymous
      Posted August 14, 2013 at 12:24 pm | Permalink

      It doesnt trust me sweet heart! I made that mistake my step son is a holy terror and im fixing to run for the hills… hes twelve and when I see him or hear his voice my heart rate accelerates and my stomach turns. I cannot stand this kid! I love my husband and I cant ask him to choose, ill lose of course. So im going to move back to my hometown. And to think I moved three hours away from all my family for this. I know I dont like him. I have two kids 5 and 6 and they are so sweet they help me do laundry and clean and kiss me and respect me. I love them more than my own life and honestly I dont want them to be around this kid with his horrible disgusting ways. Im saying if you cant do it now then being married will not help unless the dad is willing to put a foot in the eight year olds ass! Sorry… I thought it would be different and its not. I’m miserable I feel uncomfortable in my own home and I dont like who this kid makes me. So im moving, and now ill have to get a divorce yuck. Think about it sweetie if your having doubts theres probably a good reason your gut is feeling that way! Hold off the wedding for another year and see if things chnage if they dont then you have your answer…

      • Anonymous
        Posted January 25, 2014 at 11:36 am | Permalink

        Hi I just have to say I thought it was just me who would cringe when I hear my partners lazy spoiled useless price of shit. As soon as I know he’s on his way home from his fat assed aunts house that buys him any and everything he wants. My heart starts beating really fast. And I get extremely angry knowing her precious does nothing wrong in her eyes boy is on his way. I don’t even like eating dinner with him anymore or going anywhere in general with both of them. I need to move away from these two lazy asses but I made the mistake of doing a home business with her and now she holds all and I mean all the money. I have to ask for money but won’t get it. She says I should be the k full my bills are being paid.only the gas electric car rent water car insurance all in my name.i hate both of them and hate myself even more for allowing myself to get into this situation. With no way out without loosing everything. Sad

    • Anonymous
      Posted September 23, 2013 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

      It will never get better , I encourage to move on and try your best to find someone with no kids .

  22. Anonymous
    Posted June 23, 2013 at 12:34 am | Permalink

    OMG thank you thank you thank you!! I have felt so evil for not liking one of my stepdaughters for sooo long!! She is rude and lazy even when I ask her to do simple things like clean off the table I get a ton of attitude from her. She never does anything unless it involves her sitting on her ass a movie, TV, video game a book if I won’t let her do anything else. This girl is 12 and when her Dad and I got together about 3 years ago she couldn’t even tie her own shoes and until then someone else bathed her ugh its soooo ridiculous.

    • Dad
      Posted June 27, 2013 at 2:27 pm | Permalink

      My wife and I have been married for 6 years. She has a 12 year old son with ADHD from a previous relationship in which we have been dealing with his behaviors modes. The meds she choose to give him is not working because he have not changed. Although I was against the meds, I still try to work with him to make his and our days managable. However, it is a rollercoaster and my wife uses his ADHD as an excuse for his behaviors. We have 3 addition girls together (6, & twins 1), and I have a 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Recently, my 11 year old has been going through hormonal changes (period, breast, and attitude) and my wife find it difficult to consume. Aint that a b#@!^. All these years I’ve dealt and helped her son with ADHD and this is the thanks I get. Be mindful that my daughter only comes over on the weekends, whereas her son is with us everyday. We recently had a big argument because my daughter told her that she is not her mother. I spoke to my daughter privately about her behavior to explained that her behavior and attitudes toward her stepmom was unexceptable. My wife felt that was unexceptable because she should have been present for my counseling. We normally take the kids on summer vacation after the school year has ended. This year we planned to go to her mother’s house in Florida so all her family can seen the twin. I was unable to attend due to the start of a new employment. This led to my wife not taking my daughter because “I don’t want to deal with her attitude around my family without you being there”. I’m torn how my wife has handled this situation and seek some help in handling it. Thanks.

  23. Mary T
    Posted May 15, 2013 at 7:01 pm | Permalink

    I am engaged to a wonderful man who I love with all my heart. We have been together for 9 years. He has 3 kids who are all adults and I have 1 nine year old son. My fiancé’s kids are something else. His oldest one is in prison and we really don’t know for how long. He has been abusive and in and out of jail for the past 9 years. His middle son is 24 years old and is a drug addict and won’t do anything to help himself. His youngest is 19 and graduated from high school and we not have him in trade school. I guess the problem I am having is it doesn’t matter what his kids do he will shower them with gifts (even if they are shooting up drugs and stealing from everyone to get their next fix) and he doesn’t care that I am not comfortable around them. I’m really not comfortable with my nine year old son being around them at all! His middle son has been in and out of rehab centers and is now on probation for stealing from the store. He lives with his grandparents and doesn’t do anything. He won’t get his GED or get a job. He has only had one job in his life, however that only lasted for two days before he was fired. If he doesn’t get what he wants he tells everyone that he will kill himself and then go to the mental hospital to get the drugs he wants to abuse. He told us that he wasn’t made to work and he’s only 24! I don’t know what to do. My fiancé and I are purchasing a house and he insists on having his kids there and I’m not comfortable being around the older two. I love his kids dearly but I can’t get over what they have done to their father or themselves. His older two were even involved with loosening the tire on his car so it fell off when he was driving. They told the local police that he is on drugs and is an alcoholic! My biggest fear is protecting my son. This is the only father figure my son has ever known and he doesn’t know the things that my fiancé’s kids have done or do. When I try to talk with my fiancé about how I don’t want my son or myself to be a part of any of the drama he gets upset with me and very angry. He tells me that these are his boys, his kids and what is he supposed to do. The only time the older two have anything to do with their father is when they want something like money. Other then that they go by their mother’s maiden name, tell their father that they hate him and want him to die. They tell him that he is bad father and all kinds of things. And of course my fiancé gets upset at the time but all they have to do is call and say, “I’m sorry dad you’re right my mother is crazy and screwed all of us kids up.” Then everything is like nothing ever happened! My fiancé also wants to adopt my son after we get married and I’m not so sure about that since I have a feeling that we will have a very hard way to go with that since he stays involved with his two convicted felon sons. No one stayed with my fiancé until I came along because of his kids terrible behavior. His own family wants nothing to do with his kids. The grandmother stated that she doesn’t ever want to see them after everything that they have done to their father. Please anyone advise me on what to do! I have tried everything! Counseling with the kids, talking to them taking them to individual counseling and everything. I’m scared that this may not end well. Please if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do please tell me!

  24. mom of 2 too many
    Posted April 22, 2013 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    Reading everyones stuff makes me feel validated and sad all at the same time. I’ve been married for a very short time to someone I’ve been with for almost 5 years. his kids are with us half time, and are truly a challenge. one of his children are aggressive and hyperactive, and the other is a snotty little princess who whines to get whatever she wants. It’s making me resent him, and flip flop between loving him and hating him on a regular basis. I’m so sick of watching him and his ex wife be shitty parents and having me and my kids suffering because of it. I don’t know what i was thinking going through with the wedding, except I guess I thought I could make it through. Then i keep thinking, these kids are just kids, what happens when they are teenagers, what happens when they are adults and still a part of our life. i just wish my husband would grow a set of balls, and discipline his kids like hes willing to discipline mine. Thats the part thats frustrating, he disciplines my kids, and our child together while his walk all over him. its kindof pathetic and makes me think less of him.

    • Mary
      Posted May 8, 2013 at 11:47 am | Permalink

      Hi! I was thrilled to read your post!

      I am going through the EXACT same thing. My husband and I got married last June and I wonder sometimes if I have made a mistake. My husband disciplines my children and is sometimes very harsh. I know everybody is biased about their kids but mine truly are good kids. They are polite, easy to please, pleasant, and very engaging of other people. Thank God his three grown kids live out of state. But when they come (and one is coming on Mothers Day:( ) they are so unpleasant to be around. They ignore my kids and never engage them. When my kids try to engage them there is no eye contact and curt one word replies. I find them very rude and unpleasant to be around. The daughter is no help, never lifts a finger (she’s too busy on her laptop and texting) and is a slob when she visits. My husband is always referring to her “poor thing” (she is a student and the University of Hawaii and is on her way to Spain to spend 6 weeks) and makes my kids clean up after her. My husband thinks she is an inspiration to my 16-year-old daughter…gag!

      He thinks his kids walk on water but he’s very hard on mine. He is mean sometimes to my 14-year-old son and has even called him an asshole.

      Like you, I am thinking lesser of my husband and don’t want to. I have been too uncomfortable to him about any of this. You don’t say anything negative about his kids. His then 3-year-old stopped wearing pullups and when she fell asleep early one night I suggested putting a pullup on since she hadn’t poddied before falling asleep. He got very angry and said that I was trying to humiliate her!

      I had the means to pay for our plane tickets to take his daughter to school in Hawaii. I had a conflict of time and he wasn’t wanting to change the flight time he had in mind. He suggeseted just he and his daughter fly to Honolulu. Without me! I have provided many other things too for his kids. Sometimes I feel as if I am just a means for him to do things for hids kids.

      He has a 4-year-old daughter who stays with us a couple days a week. I love children but I cringe when I know she’s coming over. She’s very odd for a child her age….can’t put my finger on how but other people think so too. Her father dotes on her. She continually pouts and cries to get her way. I can’t feel the warm and fuzzies towards her and I feel badly because I love most kids.

      Good luck to you and thanks for givingme the opportunity to vent.

    • nicky
      Posted July 5, 2013 at 1:48 am | Permalink

      hi, i feel your pain. I only got married 3 months ago and we stayed together for a year. my husbands two sons aged 13 and 16 stay with us and i have two daughters aged 8 and 14 from my previous marriage staying with me. As with you I raised my kids well and they are polite, hardworking, respectful and really try their best to engage with their stepsiblings. I too feel that im being used as a means to an end as my stepkids have a much better standard of living before they moved in with us. they used to stay with their mother who is a drunk and doesnt want to work or take care of them, and they decided it was much nicer at our place. i allowed it as i hated their circumstances and i tried my best to help them. they even do so much better at school as i help them alot. i had to buy clothes etc as they came with nothing, and my girls understood that they needed more help at the beginning. but my kids are miserable now as they get shouted at and verbally abused by their stepsiblings. they have no use of the things in our home even tho it belonged to them before the boys moved in. I made it clear to my girls never to treat the boys as if they dont belong and never to refer to anything in the house as if it only belong only to the girls. but in return the boys dont even allow the girls to watch TV or access their own PC without a fight. The boys hate sharing. the girls love my husband and respect him when he disciplines them, yet he is too afraid to discipline his boys, allowing my girls to do all the cleaning and obey the rules which the boys dont have to. I had a good relationship with the boys till we got married, now it seems that it was all pretence and as long as I give im accepted, but when I say no then im the evil stepmom. Things are so bad that my 16yr old stepson even asked my 14yr old daughter for sex, even exposing himself to her. We spoke to him but he wasnt even punished. Since she told us he has treated her even worse. I put my foot down and said he should return to his mom as she has custody of him. My husband then offered to move out with his 16yr old until he learns to behave. he then expects me to look after his 13yr old son in the meantime. This doesnt sound right to me. i’m lost and confused and feel really stupid for getting married. thank you for sharing your experiances as it lessens my guilt and self hatred, I realise im not the only one going thru this. i have a stepdad who treated me like dirt and i tried to be a perfect stepmom but i cant keep doing it at the expense of my girls. i really understand what you going thru and thx for sharing

      • nicky
        Posted July 5, 2013 at 1:50 am | Permalink

        ooops i meant to say they have a much better standard of living now than what they had with their mom….

  25. Monsters
    Posted April 13, 2013 at 3:24 pm | Permalink

    My husbands kids are 8&9… Oldest is a control freak having to know everything and telling everyone what to do. Youngest is disrespectful and never does what he’s told. Kids are suppose to be with us every other week but bio mom is ” stressed out” she has older kids and these two were the product of her second marriage to my husband. Bio mom screams yells and demands we take them whenever she can’t handle her time with them. Husband travels for work so oftentimes she is calling me. Both kids are spoiled disrespectful to me and their dad. I stopped listening to them and now demand please and thank you’s. if I don’t get one they get ignored. I have a daughter in college and she was raised so differently. Oldest control freak is so bad our lives seem ran by. 9 year old- if we go out she calls constantly if she doesn’t get her way she throws herself on the floor in a tantrum. Youngest one will shit and smear it all over when he’s angry…. I love my husband but I’m contemplating leaving- I’m just too old to raise ungrateful and disrespectful kids- even their own grandparents stopped visiting us.

  26. Anon
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 7:34 am | Permalink

    I separated from my husband this month. He has five kids from a previous marriage. The mother is never around – she is crazy. She doesnt pay child support – she is good for nothing. I left because I’m pregnant and want my pregnancy to be stress fee, and also bring a newborn into this world without worrying if something bad will happen. My husband needs to get his kids help – major help, and in the mean time, I’m okay with moving out and making myself and my unborn baby #1. My husband cant do it right now – he’s a single parent raising 5 ungrateful, messed up kids. I am going to work on myself – I know my feelings of hate toward the children are not right. They just arent. I know that I will never love them as if they were my own, but to hate them is not right. They didnt ask for their mother and father to split. I need to work on myself and he needs to work on him and on the kids. Ladies, if you have to step away for a while, step away for a little while. Dont divorce.

    • Naomi
      Posted April 15, 2013 at 5:27 pm | Permalink

      You need to take care of yourself. I’m in a similar situation – partner has three kids and youngest two are a nightmare. Youngest has ADHD and dh refuses to discipline him or set any boundaries. Bm has borderline personality disorder. I’m pregnant with my first and just don’t want to live with his kids so considering moving out like you. Good luck with it.

    • Anonymous
      Posted September 23, 2013 at 2:45 pm | Permalink

      Your feelings will only get worst after your baby is here. If you hate your stepkids now you will despise them even more so after you have your own child. I’m sure you are not believing this but you will see once that time comes you will remember my post. So this separation and not divorce is not going to work but the real problem is you will be stuck with this man and your step children forever as a means to protect your child because if you divorce this man you legally will have to allow your child overnight without you there. If its not too late think abortion then leave this man for good..

  27. sam
    Posted March 27, 2013 at 1:19 am | Permalink

    I met my husband 10 years ago. We fell in love. We dated long distance for 2 years, each living in another country. I was divorce with two beautiful older children and had a high paying career.
    I wanted to break up with him after the two years but through time he convienced me to move to his country.
    I got here with all of my savings, my belongings (5 bedrooms, living room, dining, family room) and me. My older children did not want to move, so we made an arrangement that I would return every three months. My husband agreed. He also agreed to come with me at least once every two years. He has never visited them.
    My husband had been married before me and has four children. They would come and visit during holidays- about 120 days a year- up to nine weeks at a time. His ex-wife has a substance abuse issue. Most often she would just be out of it, problem is she is also a surgeon so many people brushed it aside. Once she passed out while operating.
    Once I moved to his country I had to find a job. My career turned out not to be an option in this country. I tried other avenues. I did not make much money and helped my husband pay bills for our home and for his children. My savings dwindled and was gone over the years. I did visit my children every three months for the first four years, but my husband did not go. Due to my career options and my dwindling savings I decided I better go back to college and reeducate myself so that I could earn a living. Also, along the way my husband’s ex would just drop the kids off and leave the country. Because my career had not taken off and I worked prn or consulting I “helped” him so that he did not have to stop working. I did go back to school and was doing well. Then the ex wife was found with needles in her arms and feet and passed out, so the children came overnight to live with us. I stopped school to help get them settled into their new city, schools and helped promote whatever I could for friendships and sporting activities. What a nightmare! The oldest is a girl, then a boy and the last two are girls. They all ignored me, were majorly disrespectful to me and my husband. My husband did nothing. He allowed them to do whatever they wanted, including breaking my grandmothers dining set (which is about 150 years old, and was in great condition prior). My husband laughed when they did this. The oldest girl stole my belongings, she went through my personal papers (tax returns, my divorce papers) and she was very manipulative. The boy was disrespectful, completely rude and broke many of my belongings, but did not steal my personal items nor go through my personal papers. The third child was disrepectful, at age 10 told me ” I find it very strange that you would smile at me”.

    Anyways, my husband was working 7 days a week and I was here with the children to take care of them. I did all the work in the house. The children had no responsibilities because my husband would not enforce any sort of arrangement, and would undermine me at the slightest opportunity-giving the power of the house to the children. My husband enrolled them in 3 and four activities after school a week. He sent them to very expensive schools and then had to work extra to pay for it. My husband complained he never had time to do anything for himself, but of course he did not count the three nights a week of karate with his son or the times on sunday sailing with the other children or the dinners I arran
    ged for him with the oldest child so she could have one on one time with her dad.

    We were in court with the ex for 3.5 years, because she wanted the children back— she was still using but we still had to go every month, spending about 6K a month. We had no money for anything other than the children= his children. I could not go anywhere, especially to see my children/family. I could not work, because I had to be here for his kids. One of the kids was tested positively for major learning disabilities when first arriving here, so I was doing an hour of homework a night, and cooking dinner-sometimes starting at noon to get it all done. My husband would not spend time with me alone, except sex at night. At the time I felt it was a crisis situation and did what I felt was necessary to integrate the children into the best childhood life I could help it be. The problem came when my husband failed to do his part. Allowing his children to be the head of our home. He catered to them and gave into their desires. I have told my husband many times that the household he was creating was not one I wanted to be a part of in any way, and that over time I was very unhappy. I also pointed to exact behaviors from him that put his children in the power position over me in our home and marriage and explained that this was ruining our marriage. I wanted to leave. He said he would change…….I told him he HAD to go to counseling. He went once and said he was all better.
    Turns out now I can’t resume the studies I was involved in and have to take second best or a lower paying role. My license for what I do in my country has expired, being in my new country, I had to give all or nothing. Therefore, I have no means of supporting myself right now. I can’t visit my children related to money, I can’t work because he can’t afford for someone to take care of his children. I am actually quite worried that if I did work he would slow down his work and want the money I make for the home instead of for me to see my children.
    I started noticing feeling resentful toward him a few months ago and then all of the sudden I think I hate him. Just like that. I am shocked how fast this happened.
    This has been going on for 5 years.
    How does one plan an exit strategy when they have nothing left to exit with. Shame, but I think I will find a way.

    • Anonymous
      Posted May 14, 2013 at 7:30 pm | Permalink

      Good for you! You need to get away from that asshole.He is using you and has no respect for you or he wouldnt be so stupid. When
      You finally leave his sorry ass he will miss you but not for the right reasons. Now hell need to get a nanny and pay for that service. Good luck and God speed!

  28. Help!
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 1:36 pm | Permalink

    I am at the where I can’t stand it any more. I have a nightmare of a stepdaughter. My Husband and I got married 10months ago He is currently in the Army and had 3 kids to other women. Right before we got married he told me his middle child is coming to live with us, I told him not right away I am not ready for that as I have no kids of my own and wasnt ready to deal with someone elses. He told me ok thats fine, well that was a lie two weeks after I got to his base we went and got her. So I thought lets make the best of it but I guess she wasnt having it. I tried bonding with her but all she gave me was crap and on top of that she only gave me crap when he wasnt around. I started working and it just got wores because he was away alot and I got even more crap from her. So I grounded her but as a working woman she had time before and after school to do what she wants. I got laid off and didnt tell her I knew something was up , So I got up before she went to school but stayed in my room to see what she was up too. Well I was right she was letting her friends into the house while I wasnt home and not coming straight home after school. Had a talk with her but she didnt care. I dont know what to do any more. I want to have kids of my own but not with a teenager in the house that tells me if I have kid she will hurt them. I am to the point now that I am ready to walk away I feel like what I said before to my husband went in one ear and out the other. I am not cut out to be a step parent full time. I dont understand I have both a step mom and step dad and I have love them both from day one I have even asked if I was this bad when I was young and they both told me NO, So they werent able to help me. So where do I go from here???

  29. Wits End
    Posted February 21, 2013 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    I was lead to believe my step-kids to be were ok with our relationship. We plan a destination wedding, they along with my 2 kids were our wedding party. My daughter and step-daughter to be helped me pick out my dress, shopping excursions in NYC to find their dresses and the 2 boys picked out their outfits as well. Our wedding was in Key West in January with immediate family joining us for a fun-filled week. Everything was fine until the day after the wedding and then all hell broke lose. I’ve been told “don’t take it personal we just aren’t ready for this” we want our Dad to not be with anyone and their Biological Mom is a mental health book waiting to be written. We’ve only been married 5 weeks and I’m ready to run! We’ve been together 3 1/2 years, I’ve known the kids for 2 1/2 years and we’ve lived together for 1 1/2 year. My kids ages 15 & 19 are fine, happy and getting quite annoyed at their step-sibs ages 13 & 14 who are spoiled beyond belief, treated like they are 8&9 and have no accountability for anything. Evidently, my Husband knew how they felt, but figured with time it would all work itself out and feared if he told me that I wouldn’t have stayed with him, moved in with him and never would have married him. I’ve been sold a bill of goods, I’m sad, angry, hurt and quite honestly physically sick daily about this. I have a great job, earn a very good income while their Mother is on disability due to Fibromyalgia. For someone on disability she certainly leads a very full and active life, unlike friends of mine who’ve worked while battling cancer. I’m not strong enough to handle this, nor after a very difficult divorce after being married for 18 years do I want to deal with this. I feel trapped.

    • Anonymous
      Posted May 14, 2013 at 7:39 pm | Permalink

      Get out and do it fast. nobody is worth that treatment and if they disrespect you that much you mayas well put your boundries up take care of yourself and make plans to leave. The brats dont change just get worse so stop the madness and alam your foot down on all including your master or q
      somhou can call him huaband. But husbands are to love and treasure their wives.doss he? Good luck!
      Ds

  30. Lyn
    Posted February 15, 2013 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    I am in the same situation. My husband (love of my life, a very noble and amazing man) has primary custody of his 11 and 15 year old daughters because his ex is a nut job as well. She’s been deemed too nutty to raise the kids herself but apparently not nutty enough to lose visitation so now she just screws them up part time but it is enough to make things nearly intolerable. It is comforting to hear that I’m not the only one that feels this way. I used to beat myself up and feel guilty, assuming there must be something wrong with me since they’re just “innocent kids” but I have finally grown to accept how I feel and now I’m just trying to maintain until the oldest one leaves at 18. She is the main issue, she appears to have the same disorder (or set of disorders) that her mom has. I like the 11 year old. She still annoys me to no end at times and I would prefer to not have her around as much but I do like her, she seems to have potential that the other one just doesn’t seem to have. It is SO hard to live like this. I just don’t know what to do. I am in counseling, we all are, but it doesn’t help much. The last time I saw the counselor I made the comment that at this point I’m just looking forward to her turning 18 so it will end and his response was that it doesn’t end there because we still have to decide who’s paying for her college… Really?? WTH? Nobody paid for my college but me. My husband paid his own way too, all the way to a PhD. I swear, some of these people who make 300 bucks an hour just seem to be out of touch with the rest of us. Unless she makes some serious changes in the next 2.5 years, the only thing she’s getting from me at 18 is a boot to the ass. Unbelievable, this guy. Yeah, counseling is helping a lot….not!

  31. StepMonster
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 7:29 am | Permalink

    I wish I had thought to get support sooner and am so glad that I found the websites for step parents. Being a step parent is a thankless job. Like the previous post-er, it has taken me a long time to get to the point I am at also. Over 15 years ago I met my DH and dealing with this situation has been intolerable. I married a man with 5 kids. I made all of the classic mistakes and now I sit here 17 years later trying to figure out why I’ve betrayed myself. My DH and my sks treat me in a way that I am embarrassed to admit I have tolerated. I am trying to come to terms with why I allowed this behavior. I tried to manage it alone and I entered into counseling approximately 3 years ago and have a good relationship with myself now. I am 53 and have decided I want nothing to do with his children (no more pretenses) and am reconsidering whether I want to be with my DH. I am angry that they got all of the benefits of having me here and I will never receive any gratitude for what I have sacrificed. In the end, I regret most that I tolerated this and put myself in this situation. I am a woman who has had few regrets in my life and this is a bitter pill to swallow. I really f’d up. I should have left him years ago. I have given him an ultimatum. Either this situation changes, or else.

    • Anonymous
      Posted September 23, 2013 at 2:52 pm | Permalink

      Sorry because its true . Us stepmoms do so much and it will never be appreciated. I hate being a stepmom. It’s the worst decision I ever made. I can’t stand when these bio moms respond to stepmoms saying we knew what we were getting into. It’s not true if we really knew what was all Involved in being a stepmom and putting up with their mothers every man on this earth would be single forever…

  32. -amberlynn
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 2:49 pm | Permalink

    i was hoping by reading this it would give me faith that someday i will like maybe even love my step sons…. i have been with my husband for about 10 years now and have a good marriage. i knew when we met he had kids already but they lived far away and their mother would not let my husband have any contact with them at all so it never crossed my mind that i would have to raise them someday. we have three great sons together that i love more than anything and we all had a great life, that all changed about 4 months ago when cps called my husband saying that we took the boys or they would go to foster care cause their mother is a crazier bitch than i even thought. now these two boys ages 10 and 12 who i dont know didnt want to know and didnt really ever think about are living with us. they are nasty lying spoiled disrepectful little shits…. they are mean to my kids hitting and lying about them. i cant stand them in the least i know that 4 months is not that long but with them yelling at me lying about me to my husband and just being little reflections of their cazy bitch of a mother i just want my life back… is there any hope that maybe someday i will like them?

  33. Beth
    Posted January 11, 2013 at 11:48 am | Permalink

    My 13 year old stepson came to live with us about a year ago. I don’t like him either. He is spoiled, lazy and entitled thanks to his Mother who babied the crap out of him. My husband works 2nd shift, so I am the full time care giver, I am basically a single parent to this child. Not to mention that I have a 5 year with Autism that needs my full time attention. I have guilty feelings over my dislike of this kid, but I can’t help myself.

  34. Annoyed
    Posted January 4, 2013 at 5:53 am | Permalink

    I have a problem with my stepson he is 5 spoiled and
    Annoying. I try my hardest to feel something for him but it seems hopeless. Not to mention his stupid uneducated mother doesnt help. She plots him and his father against me and ihate it. My boyfriend spoils and babies him, and it pisses me off. I love my man and want us to work but I dont agree with the way he is raising him. Granted he doesnt live with us but when he comes to visit my first question is “when is he leaving”. Feels good to know im not alone. But I still feel like im wrong for feeling this way. I also see his mother in him and it makes me wanna hurl. I have no children, and although I would like to have some one day I feel as if tho if I have them with my
    man his son will becomea even bigger problem. Only bc he doesnt want to share his father with me a sibling will create Ww3. And I refuse for my child to play 2nd

  35. I'm Guilty Of It Too
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 2:30 pm | Permalink

    I found comfort in the comments… I too HATE, despise, loathe my step sons (hubby managed to knock up 2 vaginas in high school) and for years I have felt guilty about it although now I don’t. It’s taken me 15 years to get to this point. The boys were tots when we got together and now thank goodness they are almost to the age where their money grubbing mothers will lose their income aka child support and their ammo (kid under 18) to make us miserable.

    I want nothing to do with either one, could care less about them and if given a choice I’d probably push them off a cliff. Now… its not because they are bad, horrible or rude. They simply remind me of their mothers. Their mannerisms, the way they talk, their personality and every fiber of their being is their moms. It sickens me.

    The way I feel now wasn’t how I felt when we got together. I loved his boys however as they got older they become more like their moms it now takes every ounce of my soul to not wish cancer on them.

    What I’m writing is harsh, crazy, evil and even insane but this is how I feel and I sugarcoated it for years which made it worse. I hate them! I can’t stand them! And I can not wait until the day that my husband gets his freedom back when the courts finally release him from their grip. He is a good man, a good father however he was never given a real chance at raising them. Instead it was relatives forcing us to play nice or the other spectrum of threatening to increase child support as he struggled to pay it if his back seat bangs didn’t get their checks.

    Thank you for letting me vent. And we’re not alone…. don’t feel bad, you’re only going to make things worse if you lie to yourself about caring for a kid you don’t like or want.

    • Anonymous
      Posted December 29, 2012 at 8:01 pm | Permalink

      I truly understand where you are coming from!! My husband and I married 26 years ago and the problems have been constant with his children. I do not have any children! He has children from 2 failed marriages, two from the first marriage and 1 from the second. Two ex-wives and both of them have given problems as well.

      I am at the end of my rope with the disrespect, the enormous sense of entitlement, and they are constantly causing problems between me and my husband. It would take me another 26 years to go into all of the details.

      I have tried to help, I have tried to care about them, but I am so tired of being pushed around by them. They are the most disgusting group of individuals I have ever met, bar none, I have decided to completely remove them from my life. It’s the only thing that is left for me to do.

      My stepson has tried to hit me, and my husband is right in the room and doesn’t even get off the couch to come to my defense. He is a scary person and has a tendency to be mean. The two oldest ones are the worst.

      Can’t stand them and it is not for a lack of trying on my part! My husband is 20 years older than me and I believe his kids are bound and determined to make our last years together as miserable as they possibly can.

      • StepMonster
        Posted February 5, 2013 at 7:10 am | Permalink

        Thank you very much for your honesty. I am in a long term relationship and met his children when they were small. I loved them very much and sacrificed my energy, money and time to make their lives better. 20 years later, I have nothing to do with any of them. Nothing.

    • Posted January 4, 2013 at 11:17 am | Permalink

      Thank you for sharing! I’m in the same boat, and I can’t add much to what you’ve written, as it is my story as well…almost. I had a unique circumstance in that I was a heavy drinker when I met my wife and her children. Upon quitting the booze, a good friend told me to try to form a more solid relationship with my step kids (they’re 11 and 12 now, were 8 and 9 when I met my wife) The reasoning made sense; I was drinking alot, and I had a very negative approach to issues in the home. Fair enough. So now I’m sober, completely, and I have much more patience and I;m no longer confrontational. Trouble is, my wife is a jellyfish parent..she gave in to their every demand for a very long time. It is now almost irreversable. I am always being accused of picking on them and favoring my own children over them. But a typical day in our home consists of the step kids fighting over the video game console, refusing to clean up after themselves, getting extemely mouthy and pushing their mom until she gives in to them. I detest them. I feel terrible…I belong to a 12 step program and the big emphasis is to become more kind and loving in the home…but I would rather throw those kids into the street than to even look at them. I’ve almost given up trying to “bond” with them..there is no respect returned.

      • StepMonster
        Posted February 5, 2013 at 7:14 am | Permalink

        I’m in a 12 Step group and wish I’d practiced the program in my relationship with my step kids. Yes, the program of AVOIDANCE. They are awful and I should have taken care of myself sooner and now have to deal with coming to terms with why I let myself run around delusional that I would ever feel emotionally secure or physically secure around them when they lie and are manipulative. The oldest ss slashed her own sister’s tires…why did I think we’d get along?

    • jayden
      Posted January 20, 2013 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

      omg i hate my boyfriends 1 1/2 year old daughter, she will be 2 in march of this year. we have been together since she was 4 months….long story short he moved to vegas from la…dated this gross bitch for 3 years and accidently knocked her up, she kept the kid and they split up and then he met me im 25 with no kids but i want my own which his bitch daughter has gotten in the way of and hes 27 with 2 kids ( an autistic mistake he had in highschool that he barely sees and this new mistake) he def shoes the baby all the favoritism the other one might as well not even exist everything is about the “baby” he also makes me go outta the room and hide when his BM comes to drop off the baby and i dont know why …he says its cuz it would be weird and he afraid she would try to fight me, its clear they r over but this bitch has her claws in deep as hell….we have her every other week…i have gotten to where i do not go to vegeas with him the week that he is stuck with that mistake (his daughter) and i stay in la and wait for him to come back out here…i make excuses saying i have to work and dont wanna put the miles on my car and thats why i dont come with….he NEVER tells the BM NO….EVER everytime she asks him to watch her, he takes her..even if its longer than a week…. for the last 2 halloweens he has taken her out trick or treating with his baby momma, i think its weird because they r no longer together and it pisses me off….he once talked to his BM very early into our relationship about moving to LA and she threw a fit , so he dropped it and everytime i bring it up whining about how i dont get to see him enough and i miss him ….he yells at me and tells me “im jealous of his daughter and im always trying to come before her and that will never happen and if i have a problem with it to kick rocks ” not to mention i have had 3 abortions this year …because he doesnt want another baby cuz ” he already has one” idk what to do …hes hot and cold….one min he talks like we have a future toegther then the next he tells me its never gonna happen meanwhile im constantly being tortured with this child i wish would die….he tells me we need to be together for a couple more years before we discuss marriage and a baby ….hes always throwing it in my face that his daughter is more important that me, how smart and cute she is , hes always testin me to see how i will respond to her (i wanna vomit everytime i even hear him kiss her or baby talk to her ) ….hearing that little bitches name make my skin crawl!!!!! i have never hated someone so much in my life ….lately he has been talking about moving out here to LA to be with me but he keeps saying he has to figure out something with his bitch daughter(ever since sep i have been pulling away , i dumped him for a month and said alot of mean shit to him over the phone telling him that his daughter has been tearing our relationship apart and that he has her too much, i even called her a mistake) he knows i dont like her hes a very smart man… and i didnt go see him for halloween or christmas i think hes scared he will lose me)….im hopeing if he moves out here it will be a strain to have to meet halfway to get her constantly and this shit ill stop…i dont care if she ever sees her daddy ever again, i hate her….our relationship isnt moving forward because of her …. how do i get rid of this baby bitch and her mother for good so that i can have my own happy family with him …without her in the picture?????

      • Anonymous
        Posted January 28, 2013 at 12:15 pm | Permalink

        Omg youre a cold hearted selfish person this baby is innocent why do you hate a little baby so much i think you need to move on and leave this child and her dad alone

        • Anonymous
          Posted February 9, 2014 at 3:40 pm | Permalink

          Hey my husband fucked his kid up when she was a baby! Coddled her and I mean held her 24/7. She is 4 now and is uncontrollable and it’s his fault too! You don’t even want to know my story!

      • StepMonster
        Posted February 5, 2013 at 7:16 am | Permalink

        You take care of yourself ok? A big hug.

      • Nicole
        Posted February 22, 2013 at 7:22 pm | Permalink

        Oh my god!!! You are completely gross and disgusting!! How can you call a 1 year old little baby a bitch? Honey, you need to check yourself! That little girl did not have the option to be here……I hope you NEVER have children of your own!

      • Dorothy
        Posted March 2, 2013 at 11:53 pm | Permalink

        Your relationship isn’t moving forward because you are a mean and hateful person. Your boyfriend and his daughter deserve better than you. If he’s truly a smart man he’ll dump you.

      • Shane
        Posted March 17, 2013 at 7:44 pm | Permalink

        Hi, I am sorry to hear your story, and all I can say (which you probably won’t like) is walk away. I know you love this man BUT he has made it quite clear that his daughter is always going to come first.

        Please, you are young and wasting your time (not to mention your health) on this guy.

        You have no ties, I know that it will hurt to separate, but you shouldn’t live with so much hatred especially with someone who will be in your life a very long time if the baby is only 2. You should free yourself while you can.

        I know this because my husband and I were seeing each other for approx 2 years whilst we were with other people. He has a 15 year old son to his ex wife, and while he was with his ex fiance (who he was with while we were seeing each other), she knew things were going bad and decided that she wanted a baby, which she had. My husband left her when his daughter was 1 and we have been together since then.

        Every single time I look at that child, who is 6 now, I see her mother and I severely regret everyday that I didn’t beg him to get her to have an abortion, or to let him know that I wanted to be with him sooner so then the kid was never even considered.

        Now, the 15 yr old SS, who stays with us every other weekend, more on school/xmas holidays, he is wrecking our marriage. His BM is extremely religious and babies him so he is useless. He is so sneaky, a liar, and he makes me so angry inside that I could literally self com-bust! I try to talk to my husband about him, but he overprotects him and feels guilty due to the failure of the marriage to his mother, then the other failed relationship to the 6 yr old’s mother.

        Please don’t make my mistakes, you can be happy and free. You have a chance to get rid of this bitch kid and her mother. I am stuck in my circumstance but you don’t have to be.

        Good Luck

      • Anonymous
        Posted March 20, 2013 at 6:55 pm | Permalink

        Holy crap! I hope he gets rid of you. You are vicious. I’m afraid for that little girl.

      • Wowzers
        Posted April 21, 2013 at 12:37 am | Permalink

        Wowzers, get out of that relationship NOW!

        I can’t believe you can hold such much hatred for a child of that age. If you aren’t able to accept that child, you best move on because she will be in her daddy’s life forever.

        If you do stay and continue to show such detest for her, she and her father will both resent the hell out of you. You can’t blame the kid for misbehaving or quite frankly anything at that age. Kids that age are still developing and need guidance.

        If you are bound and determined to make the relationship work, start reading books or do research about kids her age, what developmental stages she is at. Most kids her age are imitating. Be a good role model, have fun with her. That is the easiest time to bond with a child.

        If you can’t bond with a child that young, then you are the problem, not her and should really seek professional help (unless the child is autistic in which it’s still not her fault). If you are totally losing your mind about it, then get out. Get out of the relationship before you hurt that innocent child, the father, or yourself!!

        I’m not saying this at all to be mean, it’s just that those negative feelings aren’t going to fade or disappear without changes within yourself and him. He needs to hear and understand your concerns (as long as they aren’t fueled by jealousy). Children will (to good parents) always come first.

        Remember that abortion is not a form of birth control. Get on it or use condoms. If he is deciding this for you, then you are being used and need to get out of the relationship anyways. It sounds like he is turning you against his own daughter (purposefully making you jealous), be it that it may be indirectly or unintentional (which he is either completely cruel or ignorant).
        Surely you do not want to be with someone who is emotional tormenting you and making you feel less worthy of a woman.

        If you want to come first in a man’s eye, be with one that doesn’t have children. Remember, there are lots of men out there WITHOUT children. Treat him like a fish and throw him back in.

        Good luck and hope you find your true happiness, it seems like it isn’t with him.

      • Anonymous
        Posted August 14, 2013 at 12:51 pm | Permalink

        STOP RIGHT NOW GIRL! Abortions are dangerous and the more times you abort you risk your life and your chances of really having a baby inthe future! Get on the shot or something but stop having abortions. Im not agaisnt them I had one at 15 it was a good choice I wasnt ready. But its dangerous. The more you have the more dangerous they get. 3 in one year your going to hurt your fertility if you do it more. He doesnt respect you or love you honey. Tell his ass jto kick rocks.

    • Liz
      Posted April 9, 2013 at 3:04 am | Permalink

      Thanks so much for your honesty. I HATE my stepson too. I really do There is absolutely nothing nice about him at all. I really really wish he would just disappear. I make no apologies for these feelings, it is very very easy for people to judge and make sweeping generalisations about how they are “damaged and traumatised and only children and I should love them in to being nice” but this is absolute bullshit. NO ONE should judge until they have been called a “f*cking Spastic” a hundred times in one night, been kicked, been stolen from, run away and told everyone who will listen how evil you are. Until this is YOUR life every day, day in day out, do not judge.

      He is a nasty drug abusing, alcohol abusing, stupid yet arrogant, self entitled, self centred, disrespectful little shit who thinks nothing of using and abusing anyone who crosses his path.

      There was a big blow up again only last week that ended up in the police being called, community services being called and endless verbally abusive texts from his mother (who incidentally ended her lease on her rental and moved in with her friend with no consultation and advised us one week before that there was no room for her son so he was coming to live with us), telling us what useless idiots we were.

      He is back now after much drama – I suspect he will last three days. I have told husband in no uncertain terms that he pulls this rubbish one more time and I WILL kick him out myself and I really don’t care if he hates me for it. He hates me anyway and always will, so I have nothing to lose in that regard. If I lose my husband along the way then so be it I’m afraid. I love him deeply, but I love ME too and if I don’t stick up for myself no one will. I have NO rights as a step parent, but I do have the right to say no more.

    • Anonymous
      Posted September 23, 2013 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

      Ditto

  36. jessica
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 11:00 pm | Permalink

    When I married my husband, his 2 kids lived with their mother. We’d see them every weekend. It has turned into them living with us FULL TIME because she decided she didn’t want to be a mother anymore! Really? I don’t have any children and have known my whole life that I didn’t want any. I’ve lived the past 3 years as a full time mother and I’m done! I don’t like these kids! There disrespectful, lying brats that will do ANYTHING to make my husband and I fight. The best part is when my husband isn’t talking to me, the kids ignore me too! Although I see this as a bonus, you can see my point. I do everything for these two and there only 12 and 7 years old! I’m ready to hang up my keys and I know nothing would make my step son happier! He thinks if I leave he’ll have his daddy all to himself. What he doesn’t realize is that he’ll be a 12 yr old kid in day care! I’m at my wits end!

  37. T Cross
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    Allthough I don’t hate my 18 year old stepdaughter I am very angry with her & my own 18 year old daughter. I’ve been married for 4 years & throughout they’ve never gotten along with each other. My husband & I seperated a year ago due to this. 3 months ago we moved back together but low & behold we are
    seperated once again because the girls acually had a fist fight with each other. I love my husband with all that I am but I am so tired of having to seperate because of children who are now adults. I wish
    they would grow up & live their own lives so we can truly be one & livetogether.

  38. T Cross
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 3:58 pm | Permalink

    Allthough I don’t hate my 18 year old stepdaughter I am very angry with her my own 18 year old daughter. I’ve been married for 4 years & throughout they’ve never gotten along with each other. My husband & I seperated a year ago due to this. 3 months ago we moved back together but low & behold we are
    seperated once again because the girls acually had a fist fight with each other. I love my husband with all that I am but I am so tired of having to seperate because of children who are now adults. I wish

    they would grow up & live their own lives so we can truly be one & sghlive

  39. anonymous
    Posted November 21, 2012 at 11:52 am | Permalink

    Hi, I really don’t like my stepkids either. I don’t understand why because they’re sweet, kind, funny, obedient (8 & 9, puberty hasn’t hit yet :-). I’m also blessed with an awesome husband who does put me first and makes sure they know it. Their mom can be a B, but she’s still a good mom to them and mostly leaves us alone. I have so much to be thankful for, but still, after almost 4 years together, I hate it when the kids come over. I tell myself “I don’t hate it when they come over, I don’t hate it when they come over”, and I have to keep telling myself that because deep down… I hate it when they come over. It took about 3 years to realize I didn’t hate them personally, because for a long time it felt like I did hate them. They’d come in the door with the crying and whining and my nerves were shot right away. After some counseling I figured out that I really didn’t hate them, in fact sometimes I like them, I just hate it when they come over. The first few years we were married I felt like a glorified babysitter. Just because they’re outta school or sick doesn’t mean I want to take care of them. That happened so many times, even after our baby was born somehow it was my job to take care of kids over christmas break. Ugh, I just have no maternal feelings for them at all. I could never see them again and be ok. I do realize I married into having them and as the adult I need to buck up and deal with it. Just thought I’d leave a note to say even when the stepfamily situation isn’t terrible, it can still be hard. I cringe when I hear stepparents say “Oh I just love him/her/them like they’re my own”. How do you do that? You know who you love like your own? Your own. Maybe it would be different if they lived here and were part of the family everyday, but they’re not. They’re visitors, and it’s hard to feel ‘family’ with visitors. I wish the best for all of you, keep hanging in there :-).

    • Anonymous
      Posted December 1, 2012 at 11:05 pm | Permalink

      Perfect response. I feel exactly the same!

    • Walked on stepmom
      Posted January 6, 2013 at 10:35 am | Permalink

      It doesn’t make a difference if they live with you or not apparently because my stepchildren do live with us and I pray everyday that they will go live with their mom and the one that’s about to turn 18 will move out ASAP!!!!

      • Anonymous
        Posted January 28, 2013 at 12:18 pm | Permalink

        I feel the same way about my step daughter who is 17…shes a lazy lying no good for anything snot nosed twit….just like her mother whom she hates

        • Anonymous
          Posted April 30, 2013 at 3:29 pm | Permalink

          Alot of this is so familiar. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and were planning to divorce until his teenage daughter shows up to live with us. He barely ever saw her over the years. I don’t like her; she’s way too much like her Mom and loves to start trouble anytime she can. In no way does she fit into our house. Sorry, but I thought I was getting a divorce and gained a 16 year old kid I don’t even want around. The truth sounds so evil; but it’s the truth

    • Katrine
      Posted February 11, 2013 at 11:05 am | Permalink

      I completely feel the same, I hate every Fridays because that the day when they always come and I need to accommodate my life for them ( I also hate when their mom finds something to do for us on the weekends, as if using me on the weekend as a babysitter is not enough!!!). I love Sundays, because they are leaving… In all this situation no one is considering that it is absolutely inhuman to ignore the tension in the family created by the “visitors”…. I do not even remember when the last time, I could stay at my own house on the weekend without them!!!

  40. Mike
    Posted October 4, 2012 at 9:33 pm | Permalink

    The lesson here, DONT marry someone with baggage plain and simple let some other sucker support them and put up with the BS .They will never respect you.Over and Out.

    • Posted January 4, 2013 at 11:21 am | Permalink

      You said it Mike. That is the only real solution in alot of cases. Some relationships are just not meant to be, and if one goes ahead, like I did and marries someone knowing they have children, and it doesn’t work, there’s a whole new problem that isn’t easily solved by a long shot.

      • Naomi
        Posted April 15, 2013 at 5:48 pm | Permalink

        Unfortunately I’m now realising this too. It’s a bit late for me though as I’m pregnant and will likely have to give up my job. I’ll manage though.

  41. Marie
    Posted September 30, 2012 at 11:31 pm | Permalink

    I hate being a step mother too!!
    I hate being expected to love him. It fills me with guilt but as much as I try, I simply can’t.
    For anyone considering this, this is the truth of the matter.
    It all started Rosey with my ss. He was 2 at the time… Cute and easy to like. I thought (naively as I was full time sm), I’d see him as my own.
    Fast forward and he is now 7. I can’t stand to even look at him. It started to happen when I fell pregnant a year in to being a step.
    It’s as if all of a sudden his mere presence was enough to make my blood boil.
    I felt as though all of my firsts had been taken.
    People didn’t say how adorable, he has your eyes etc after I’d given birth instead-
    They said to ss Oooh look at your brother he looks just like you.my son went into special care as soon as he was born.when he was well enough to be held…who was he passed to?! Ss
    I can’t tell you how resentful I was… It was as if i was just an incubator. I tried to control it but I couldn’t.
    With every year that passes it gets worse. The more sneaky he becomes the more he gets to me.
    My bs is now 2 and he can get on my last nerve too…
    The difference is after I have told him off I can snap right back into cuddles and kisses. It doesn’t happen with ss.
    I am being honest here and I may get slammed for it, but it’s the truth. I feel bad for it believe me I do! I have to force FORCE myself to cuddle him.
    I wish with every fiber in me that I had never got involved.
    It causes problems in your marriage.
    Stress with the bio.
    Random people look at you like your the devil when they know your not the bio. (I have actually had people turn their backs to me and then only address my husband!!)
    In my case the inlaws have not accepted me(I think because mil was also a step and knows that you just don’t have a bond).
    You will never get out of it unless you divorce (which has crossed my mind).

    My own parents love him and I find myself angry because I can’t.

    I am not evil and have a big heart infact I always had hoped to adopt one day
    But this is just something I cannot do, and definately makes me feel like the scum of the earth.

    • Renae
      Posted October 1, 2012 at 9:20 am | Permalink

      I feel like I just wrote every single bit of what you did because it is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

    • Jessica
      Posted July 2, 2013 at 6:32 am | Permalink

      I know EXACTLY how you feel! My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 yrs now. He has a 4 yr old from a previous relationship. I tried really hard in the beginning to be her e friend. (She was 2 when we got together) Now every Thursday is a dreaded day and so is the every other weekend that we get her. We have a 17 mo old together. She’s my world and he gets upset when I “favor” her. My sd is a horrible brat. She’s mean to my baby, disrespectful to me, whiney, and doesn’t listen. Yet, Im the problem….I hated it when my baby was form and everyone kept talking about how she looked like her sister. Ugh! Guess we just gotta wait it out…..

  42. Gigi
    Posted August 15, 2012 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    I too do not like my step-children but my husband sides with them all the time. They hav stole, lied, and any number of things to me and he fights with me when/if I say anything. What do I do? I have a good idea but is this normal?

    • anon
      Posted December 30, 2012 at 1:46 pm | Permalink

      Gigi–

      I am going through the same thing as you. I know that this has to end and it will end in divorce because he does not respect or love me when he fights with me in front of his daughter when she does wrong so now I don’t even interact much with him as a result and separate myself from both of them when she is here. Please know that while you might love him you don’t like him and love yourself first so you will take the right course of action. He will not change and you will resent things more as time goes by. Get out and get someone who will love you and respect you.

      • Annonymous
        Posted March 5, 2014 at 1:27 am | Permalink

        I hate my stepdaughter. I never pictured myself in a miserable marriage like this. My husband always plays her puppet,always runnig around after her like I do not exist. Hating her make me hate my husband now.

  43. anonymous
    Posted June 7, 2012 at 1:29 pm | Permalink

    Where is anyone to step in and offer feedback? I see multiple stories that relate to mine here but no one saying how to fix it. I have tried to have a relationship with my stepson for YEARS now and everything seems to go ok until he starts getting in trouble by being disrespectful and not handling his responsibilities. Then I step in as I am the disciplinarian in our household, and then my stepson throws a fit and so his Dad gets protective and says, in front of his kid mind you, that I just hate his kid! I have never once said this myself. It is always my husband claiming I do for disciplining him. He does the same thing to coaches, teachers, ANYONE who gets after his kid. He has been doing this for the past 7 years now. Then whenever his kid gets in trouble, my husband immediately throws my kids into it when they have absolutely NO involvement and do not even live with us!

    My husband has even gone as far as to say, again in front of his kid, that he will ALWAYS choose his son over me and will divorce me over him. He has threatened to divorce me multiple times over him.

    When the stepson is gone, my husband and I get along great and our home runs smoothly. And when my husband is gone, my stepson and I get along great. But when they are together its like they gang up on me. The stepson will not do as I ask him to do (chores, homework, etc), he will be rude and disrespectful, and my husband attacks me telling me how worthless I am and how I don’t do anything.

    I cannot live like this anymore! It’s INSANE!!! What are you to do when you are in this situation?? My husband is bringing divorce papers home today. I dont want to divorce him, especially since we have 3 children together. But what else can we do?

    • Anonymous
      Posted November 21, 2012 at 3:30 am | Permalink

      You should divorce him definitely and find a real man, a man that loves abd respects you cause he doesn’t …
      A man that really love his wife puts her first, cause when the couple are happy all is well.
      What he did by telling his son he would prefer him is unforgivable , you should have walked out. Be strong and believe you can be really loved, this man is just a coward , tell him to marry hus son.

  44. Frustrated
    Posted March 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm | Permalink

    I commiserate with all these posts above. I too am a stepmother and i hate my stepkids as well. Only, it’s mostly because of their horrible actions and life decisions. They are 17, and almost 21. My husband is older than i am, on his second marriage with me and i’m on my first. I love him dearly but his kids have caused SO my discontent in our marriage that sometimes i don’t know how i’m going to make it. I feel like due to his “guilt” of only having them part time through the divorce, he is overprotective of them as well and they are both spoiled. I wish he’d practice tough love on them, as his son has now knocked up 2 girls…so there are 2 grandchildren. Don’t even get me started on his 17 year old daughter. His ex wife is also a complete psycho and never was there for his kids.

    There are days where it gets so bad that i just want to walk….as I feel like my husband is more focused on “fixing” his children than protecting our relationship from all their dysfunction and problems. It’s devastating to me.

    • DeannaC
      Posted April 7, 2012 at 11:40 am | Permalink

      My husband and your husband have similar issues it sounds like. My husbands guilt about divorcing has caused him to overlook his kid’s awful behavior. I am a tolerant person but his children do not come around except when they need money and aren’t nice any other time. Being from the “outside” the behavior is glaringly noticible but he just takes it to maintain a relationship and avoid conflict. We have come close to divorce many times and spent hours in counseling for this exact issues. Finally, 6 years later, he sees the light. His son and ex-wife had been lying about the son’s criminal activity for years all to secure the continued use of our vehicle and college support. After several bouts with marijuana charges right out of high school my husband laid down the law…any more run-ins with the law and financial support stops. Over the years, I had a feeling that something sinister was going on but my husband refused to look deeper until one day the son’s “baby’s momma” (oh yea, we have a grandson too and he didn’t support the child or the mother) slipped up and mentioned something about him being on probation. Finally, I went inside the house, logged on to a website, paid $30 for a criminal record and WOW it was longer than I had even suspected. DWI’s, public intoxication, multiple marijuana possession charges. That got my husband’s attention and he pulled the financial plug. His whole family was screaming how can you abandon the kid? Well, pulling the financial plug on a 26 year old is not abandonment, in this case it is refusing to support unacceptable behavior. The now 25 and 27 year-olds obviously have Mommie issues. I’ve tried to have relationships with them but continually get blamed for everything that doesn’t go their way. At this point, I really dont’t care and won’t allow them to cause uphevel in my life. My own children have started with this behavior, my 16-year-old is punishing me for leaving his dad 8 years ago by not talking to me for over a year. I miss having a relationship with my boy, it breaks my heart, but I refuse to have a relationship based on control, dominance, and bullying.

  45. Vanessa
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 6:58 pm | Permalink

    Wow I dont feel left out now, I can’t stand my step children. They have not done anything wrong I just don’t like them or there mother. I feel my husband is nicer to them then the kids we have together, and bends over backwards for them. I get no attention when they are around, I totally hate hate hate the situation, we only get them on the weekends. Ages from 10 to 5. Grrrrrr

    • Anonymous
      Posted December 1, 2012 at 11:21 pm | Permalink

      Yep. Get it.

  46. Veronica
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 12:24 pm | Permalink

    I am in the same situation. My partner and I have been together for five years now. She has three children. The oldest 12, and 10 are girls. The youngest is a boy, 5. I thought that being a stepparent would grow on me, but over the years I have come to realize that it will not. In fact, the opposite is happening as the children get older and more disrespectful. This is a constant source of conflict for my partner and I. I wish that she would just accept the fact that I am not a “kid person,” and love me just the same. Just as I have to accept the fact that she has three kids. I wish she would either just accept me how I am, or find someone else to be with that want to raise her disrespectful children. Yeah. Good luck with that.

    • anonymous
      Posted December 31, 2011 at 10:19 pm | Permalink

      I cannot stand my stepkids and make no apologies for it. Just plain and simple – can NOT stand them. I went into this marriage with high hopes, but as each day goes by I see nothing will ever change. The youngest is in middle school and all I see stretched out before me are all the years left until she is finally GONE! The boy is the oldest and he is just useless. I mean, useless! If he wasn’t my stepson I wouldn’t even want him in the house around my other kids. Rude, arrogant, sloppy and just all in all a jerk. There are times I wish I had never gotten remarried. Seriously. There are times I wish I could just run away from this entire situation, but I really love my husband and I want “us” to work. Just wish I didn’t have to deal with these stupid stepkids.

      • Anonymous
        Posted November 8, 2013 at 8:54 pm | Permalink

        Yes ! If we all just had a crystal ball back then or a time machine now to have a do over ! I try to tolerate my 21 yr old stepson who’s father refuses to give notice to no matter how obscenely disrespectful he is to his Dad ! It blows my mind ! I can’t say anything to my husband re: his baby boy or say anything to the kid himself without all hell breaking loose ! I wish I could speed up the clock to moving out day or hypnotize my husband into seeing the light and putting more value on our marriage than his dickhead kid

  47. Anita
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 8:54 pm | Permalink

    I agree with all above. But what happens when, after 9 years together, his children of 16 and 18 now refuse to come to our house. We have been separated for 4 months because he would leave constantly over his children (not liking it here). He is now put in the situation where he has to choose between them and myself and still is unable to stand up to his children who have never wanted us, liked sharing him and have huge issues about being disloyal to their other parent. I only want him to come back if he can be 100% supportive of me and our marriage – without the fear of him leaving again for his children. He has always “over protected” them, no matter what and I fear he is still doing it. They don’t like me because they think I treat him terribly and he deserves better. They don’t know their mother had an affair and went out every weekend for a year or so before they broke up. They also think my teenage daughter is bossy (aren’t most teenage girls.. he has one too). My kids have always wanted this family, and been very loving and forgiving.

    I have two children of a similar age who love him dearly – asked to call him Dad four years ago and he refused them but did eventually change in our last year – which was great for my kids but his kids didn’t like it either. They are now very hurt and don’t trust him not to leave again. What would you do in my position?

    • anonymous
      Posted December 31, 2011 at 10:23 pm | Permalink

      I’m kind of in the same situation here. My stepkids think their mother is just this wonderful person – far, FAR better then me since you know, I am THE mean, wicked, ugly stepmother. Little do they know she is some piece of work. Just some alcoholic, drug popping, sleeping-around on her husband kind of gal. Yes. A fine “upstanding” citizen through and through. NOT. You are in an uphill battle here, just as I am. The stepkids are going to do whatever it takes to get rid of you. If your husband doesn’t pull his head out of his butt and stick by YOU, he is going to find himself divorced again – mark my words. You aren’t going to put up with being second in his life. I told my husband that I had better start coming first, or I’ll go off and get my life back (the one I had before I became the mean, wicked, UGLY stepmother) and go back to being a normal, divorced woman with 3 wonderful children of her own – and not have that stigma of being a mean, wicked, ugly stepmother. I hate it. I really do. I HATE being a stepmother.

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