Dear Dr. Coleman,
Re: your book, When Parents Hurt: “Would love to hear more about why we have to not argue, not demand of our kids, not tell them our feelings. I am willing to do it, and it does help, but I would love to hear more about that whole way of thinking. Thanks again for writing the book.
Dear Reader,
I get asked this question a lot and it’s an important one. I recommend this to parents who have been estranged from their adult children because I think it’s critical that they keep the door open long enough so that one day they can have a more mutual relationship. But, if things have gotten so bad that there’s been an estrangement (or it’s on the verge of one), it means that you don’t have the luxury of a mutual relationship in the way that you might with a non-estranged adult child. With the non-estranged, there would be plenty of room for both of you to talk about your feelings and even have more open conflict because the whole basis for the relationship is not on the chopping block. With an estranged child, you have to create the conditions where some time, maybe years later down the line, there’s enough goodwill for your child to either see you more clearly or accept your perspective. If they’re estranged, they’re probably not yet ready to hear your perspective. It may make them turn away because it makes them feel too guilty; they may think that you’re defending yourself for something that they just want you (wrongly or rightly) to take responsibility for. They may feel (wrongly or rightly) like you’re blaming them for their feelings.
This isn’t fair, of course. I know that. But I’m a pragmatist when it comes to families. We have to start with where the 2 of you are right now, not from where it should be.
You can’t be demanding because you don’t have that much power. It’s a little like a marriage where one person has a foot out the door and is willing to divorce. The person who doesn’t want the marriage to end doesn’t have the same power to make demands as the one who is okay with it ending. I know this is very hard to do, but it’s a good thing to do, nonetheless.
269 Comments
If you are estranged from a child or a parent, here is the most important thing you can do. First realize that nothing is more important than family. And to that end
Realize that the most important thing you can do in this lifetime is be loving towards each other in your own goals, thoughts, and actions. No one should be estranged. Every day is A new day and a chance to start over with your loved ones. Don’t beat yourself up. Do use the two most powerful phrases in our language. They are I am sorry and thank-you. Two things to know about these two most powerful bonding phrases are that you can be sorry for your part in it because all sides bear some part of the responsibility and look for things you can say thank-you for whether it is in the past, present, or future. The phrases never wear out and if you need to say them one time, one thousand times or 100,00
Times then do it! I too feel all of your pain and can identify. Wishing all of you the best and all of you peace and love.
100% of the time Parents are estranged it is because the child feels betrayed, abandoned or slighted in some way and the parent refuses to acknowledge their behavior.
Why are the words “I’m Sorry” so hard for the Baby Boomer generation to utter to their adult children?
maybe the kids of baby boomers were spoiled rotten and think that they deserve to be treated like royalty. baby boomers were generally treated poorly as children and were humble enough to respect their parents. most parents would gladly apologize for anything an adult child felt slighted about. if you really want an apology at least try to talk to your parent about the issue.
Well this will be my first year without my son at home and only my second ever without him with me for Christmas. The very first time was years ago when his “Dad” wanted him for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I remember my son calling me early and begging me to come and get him, which I did.
I did get my son gift cards for Christmas and I sent them to “people” he is living with – grandparents (albeit enabling grandparents). I am still his Mother and just because he refuses to acknowledge that (anymore) does not mean I have to. I only have to tolerate this situation – I never have to accept it – and I won’t. It has only been 6 months, with very very limited contact – and only via text. However, I will say this – I have nightmares – yes you read right – nightmares – that he comes back home to live and I have to start living the way I was living before – he was lazy, unambitious, thought my house was a hotel with food and laundry service, and was disrepectful to me. These last 6 mos have given me peace and perspective. I love my child, my son, with all my being. But it is up to HIM to make his way in this world – this life – it is not up to me to guarantee or even attempt to ensure his happiness. He is a angry, bitter 23 year old child and I am not sure this will ever change. If he needs to blame someone, and that someone is me – so be it. Again, doesn’t mean I need to, or do, agree with it or like it. When my son reappears, the boy that I dropped at college in 2007 – well that kid – he is welcomed back in my home any day of the week. But not this imposter….
My older son left home to pursue a career, met a woman and lived with her and her parents. They got married so she could be on his insurance when he started his new job…her parents enabled her so much, she is insecure, and jealous. My son lied to me, bankrupted my home, moved away with his growing family, and only visits my brother, who’s wife is like my daughter-in-law. They lie to my grandchildren and I am estranged.
I have started a new life…but I grieve alot. My younger son is estranged, too. He is angry. I know what I have lost, and I try to not get depressed, or put pressure on my younger son to be what his brother is not. All I know for certain is that trials make us trust in God, and I believe He knows everyone’s heart. He is the only judge, and so my peace is to leave this in His capable hands. And then I can hope, while I work on my new life. I actually was happy putting the Christmas tree up this year! My older son is a Christmas baby, who will be 32. I have my moments, but I make it a priority to keep praying for him and his family.
Being estranged from your children and grandchildren is harder than surviving the suicide of their step-dad, who really was Dad to them. There is no funeral…but they are not dead. Life is really tough, and my job was to raise my sons to be able to live in this world. I hope that my older son will one day see that I am not the enemy. I know I am not. It is just hard to watch your children make mistakes, too. I love them all, am disappointed and hurt at their choices, and I know they will reap what they sow. Non of their lifestyle is something I want to be around, so maybe it is best that they cut me off…but their children don’t deserve the mess they are born into, and I feel so sad for them.
Generations really do take baby-steps. Patience and forgiveness are virtues that have to be practiced. I never wanted my life to be like this, but I am not God. I cannot control others. I can only love them.
I pray that all of you here may have some peace and remember that there is only one we face when we die, so focus on Him. He is faithful to remember His promises, and loves us more than we can measure, even when we don’t even acknowledge He exists. Sounds familiar…being treated like we don’t even exist. I believe God has been through the same thing, and understands. I am so thankful He is my Father, and I can talk to Him about this very issue.
I hope that you can, too.
Be Blessed, and a Blessing,
Elizabeth
Listen to yourself,
Describing your son’s family as a “mess” wishing he “reaps what he sows”; most normal people would find it difficult to allow their children to be around someone who believes their kids are being raised in a mess of a family with an insecure, and jealous mother. If you were my kid’s grandparents you would get almost zero time with them, espousing that attitude.
You talk about patience and forgiveness, are you practicing patience and have you asked for forgiveness? Maybe you should just start with practicing kindness.
After years of this, successfully, then not so successfully, adjusting to the better part of a 10yr. estrangement from my daughter and grandkids, I had a visual given to me that stuck with me, as it was intended to do. A fish can do nothing but swim. You can’t expect a fish to do anything other than what is in its genetic and physiological makeup. Though she is my child, she is a fish I cannot expect to be identically wired like her mother. That helped me. If she can’t manage to forgive or want resolution like I have, then I cannot expect her to be like me. I have to accept her right to choose not to have a relationship with me and accept her right to choose who knows her children. I simply must accept, forgive and love who is in my life while never losing my love for my child.
Lana,
I love what you wote, ” I must simply accept, forgive and love who is in my life while never losing my love for my child”. I love my mother but after being disowned from my siblings 10 years ago and disowned from her boyfriends family and then being disinherited and even unfriended on Facebook to save face, I had to cut off all ties. My mom is a controlling narcissist and is more afraid of her lies coming out then our relationship.
The funny thing is how she has reacted to being disowned by me after all the years she was doing the disowning. She is freaking out because the last bit of control she had is now gone. I would never do this unless I was estranged and disowned twice. I feel such relief and I refused to be pushed aside any longer. No more two overnight visits a year and nothing else to do with my siblings or her new family. Sometimes it is best to just walk away from the insanity and give my love to my own child. A child who will never be told who in the family he can or cannot communicate with or else lose his inheritance and mother.
I thought I would post here as someone who has had to cut contact with her parents as an adult. Why did I do it?
Because after a lifetime of struggling with a strained ”relationship” with 2 highly disfunctional people, I simply gave up and realised I had no feeling left for them, nothing left to give. I saw them clearly for what they were: two people locked in an unhappy, abusive life based on lies, recriminations and bitterness. Two people who had chosen to hurt me and ignore my unhapiness at a time when I was in their care and vulnerable. As a child I was the victim of their narcissism and lack of empathy but as an adult I could make the decision not to put up with it anymore and to stop pretending that I cared. I think like many others, what hurts me the most is the fact that they will never admit or face the fact that their behaviour hurt me and poisoned my childhood and teenage years. In their minds they are always right. You cannot reason with people like that. For them any challenge to the idea that they are less than perfect is a crime that needs to be punished by shouting and hitting. Somehow they decided it was ok for them to tear a vulnerable child down with words and sometimes with physical strenght. It was ok for them to try to control a young person’s life according to what was best for them, not for the child. They will always be right and I no doubt will be viewed as a monster. To the parents on this forum please consider the following: being a parent is not like being god: you don’t automatically know everything and you have to earn respect, it is never a given. Cutting your parents from your life is not easy, but sometimes your very survival depends on it.
Reading your comment I could tell you are still very emotional about your breaking ties with your family. Life being a parent is extremely hard, you are always open to criticism of how you should, or should not act in certain circumstances. It’s very easy to criticizes parents once certain situations start to show their repercussions, but, in the parents defense…it doesn’t come with a manual, you learn from what you have experienced throughout your own life. What you didn’t like gets changed to some extent but, who is to say that this criterion fits everyone else? As for respect, you should treat parents just as you wish to be treated yourself ‘with respect’ it’s not something to be earned but it is something to lose!
Wow, your comments really hit home. Ive been trying for years to have a “normal” relationship with my dysfunctional, alcoholic parents but came to the conclusion that I simply can’t. They will never admit responsiblity for the strained relations, and never apologize for their mistreatment of their children growing up. Everyone always says that you neeed to forgive your parents to move on. Thie isnt always possible. Sonetimes, you need to cut people out of your lives to truly move on and be happy. There is a big difference between parents making mistakes and parents having no right to bring children into this world, knowing they do not have the capacity to be loving, stable parents. Anyone with ongoing major substance abuse issues/ emotional instability, who decides to have children, does not always deserve forgiveness.
I am very surprised by your response, but I do understand. I am a parent with a estranged son. My question to you would be If your parents apolizged and ask for forgiveness would you accept it? My situation is much different was because of a divorce.
in my situation an apology wouldn’t work.. I have too many reasons why I wouldn’t allow my parents back into my life. I wish I didn’t feel that way..Its just best to cut them out of my life completely..make a clean break..this way we can both quickly readjust our lives and move on apart from each other with minimal drama..
Please excuse all of the typos and grammar in my previous post, it has been a long 3 weeks, and I am on a Droid. I forgot to add that I wish all of the estranged, parents and children alike peace and reconcilliation as we move toward the end of another year. I wish for those of you in the position to take the first step strength and courage, and the wisdom to realize how short is our time here on this earth.
I am on the edge of estrangement from my youngest daughter. I read all the comments and I agree that I made mistakes. Probably my biggest one was trying to convince her that het dad was no good. She moved in with him and eventually had my granddaughter with het ex- boyfriend. Although we have been broken up for 23 years now, me ex continues to pick at me when I have to be around him, and vowed to spend the rest of his life making mine miserable even though he cheated on me numerous times. He works on my daughter and many friends and family see him trying to cause problems between my daughter and I. My daughter lives in another state. Before my daughters last visit with my granddaughter about 3 weeks ago, my daughter called and told me she wanted her new boyfriend to come too. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with him in the house SA they were dating for only a few months and I had only met him once before when they were only dating. I reminded her that we only have the one extra room and I was uncomfortable with him sleeping in there since my 2 year old granddaughter would be sleeping in there too. My daughter told me that if I didn’t let him stay I would never see my granddaughter again. I calmly asked her to think about what she said and talk to me later. When we talked later she took it back. The boyfriend said he understood since he has children and that he would rent a condo on the beach as he had always wanted to do that. On the second day of the visit and before the boyfriend flew down, my daughter became agitated with me because I offered to pass on a website for resources for children who are gifted ad my granddaughter is…the site is from my therapist friend who specializes in working with gifted children. My daughter got angry because she said I offer advice she doesn’t want. Then she told me she only visits our area to see other family members, that I an not a priority and never was, that she doesn’t care if she ever sees me again, and that stinks because now the other family members will suffer by missing out on my behalf but she doesn’t care because she had enough. She said I am mean, and she doesn’t remember any happy times, that I am mean to everyone and am generally f!@#$% up and don’t even know it. Then she said that she can’t fathom how I made it to become a psychiatrist or a psychologist, or whatever the f!@# I am (I’m an MSW). Then she collected all of her stuff, my granddaughter, and all the food we bought for the baby, stuffed animals I keep here for the baby when they visit, toys, all the diaper supplies and left. When the boyfriend came we barely got any time with the baby and my daughter treated us very differently in front of the boyfriend…she spoke as though she had never let our granddaughter spend time with us without her and created conversations that could sound like she never let us have the baby over night. We feel betrayed as we have done everything for her and our granddaughter without question. Everyone in the family is angry but afraid to speak on our behalf for fear they will end up in our position. She upset me so badly that my blood pressure sent me to the hospital. My mother said her whole body shook hearing the way she left and the horrible things she said, and my dads blood pressure went up too. My parents are so saddened and since I am my daughters Target I feel guilty for their pain. My husband is so upset as they always had a great relationship and he says she uses the baby a a weapon. She also told me my 50 th birthday was unimportant…it is on Halloween…so she wouldn’t come to my surprise party, the surprise now ruined. Then she said I could fly up and see my granddaughter for her third birthday but that I would have to find a way to arrange to see her…in other words, we can’t attend her birthday party this year. I also feel mortified that my old friends will attend the birthday party but I cent go because I’m somehow not good enough. Today she texted my husband and asked him to mail the costume I bought for the baby. I called her and told her I would mail it along with everything I bought for Halloween and Thanksgiving for her and the baby. When she answered the phone she thought it was her boyfriend and wad so sweet, but her tone changed when she heard my voice. The conversation was strained for her; I know it must have made her feel uncomfortable to speak to me after all she said and did, and then have the nerve to ask me for something. I pretended I didn’t notice in an effort to be the person she wants me to be so I could keep the door open. However, I feel like a complete doormat and feel as though she will respect me less than she must for not setting boundaries. I imagine this isn’t the time for all if that as in retrospect, I should have set boundaries for myself as well as for her. I’m only human, and everyone in the know is aware that her behavior and words don’t accurately reflect the past. However, if this is het reality, then what can I do? My first reactions in order were devistation, sadness, anger, sadness again, then depression. I never experienced depressive symptoms and had a difficult time pulling myself out of it like I ask others to Di in therapy. I finally woke one day this week with the desire to feel better, and then did for a couple of days until the phone request today for the costume. I am so deeply saddened and think thoughts like I should have been a Buddhist so I would feel less attached like the Dali Llama advises, and then I allow myself to chuckle. I don’t know how to act or what to do. I know my ex is realizing his long-time dream to get even with me and revels in this which gets me in the ego. My friends and family agree and worry that he works behind the scenes to promote this awful situation. I’m so sick of triangulating with my daughter and my ex in a relationship that was over 13 years ago, I’m tired. Worst of all, my sweet little granddaughter cried terribly ad her mother took her out of our house each visit, saying that she wanted grandma, for which she was admonished. I hate seeing my parents feel sad, I hate my husband being sad, and I hate seeing my other daughter torn between two of her closest family members. What the heck do I do? How do I act? Someone please give me some advice! Have a wonderful weekend, and thank you for reading my story.
I love my parents soooo much. I’m so devastated. They loved me I think when I was at the height of my career as a renowned prof. They bragged a lot, but didn’t know me beyond that. My mother is seriously mentally Ill with a personality disorder.she is a danger to herself and other, as is my violent brother. My dad is the passive observer, never protector. My other brother got a restraining order against the violent brother. I was away living my life, forgetting weird stuff from childhood, doing anything to get them to love me & to be good enough. Sadly, in my mid 40s, I was dxd with a rare multi system fatal illness. I’m still financially independent unlike my brother whom they admit they pay to love them. Now, when I need their love most (I always loved them so much), they reject me and punish me & say I deserve abuse when I cannot defend myself. I’m staying with them (I own a house I need to get well enough to arrange to sell) at their invitation, as they told everyone they knew they were taking care of me..I just needed to be near my medical care. My brother plans to “get every dime they have,” cuz he secretly hates them. They believe his charm & nothing anyone can say will get them out of denial. They encourage his abuse of me. Im desperately trying to get out of here as impossible as it seems. My docs are furious with them. I’m confused, angry, mostly hurt. I’ve been strongly advised to get a protective order but fear that will make them hate me more. I’m blamed fr everything even things it would have been impossible for me to do. If I get the protection order, I know they will never speak to me again & there will be no hope of reconciliation. They refuse family therapy. I’m blamed for my mother’s regular overdoses and suicide attempts (she hides her meds for next time) and you name it whether I’m sleeping, out of state, getting treatment. I cannot figure out what to do. I was married to my job, and wish I had children. How can a mother reject her only daughter & say I deserve abuse? My illness has taught me a lot &’maybe some see all ive lost &’not what I’ve gained. I love my family but I am afraid of them. I just can’t seem to accept divorcing them. They refuse to get help. I’m going to have to face the time left either miserable and harmed or grieving the loss & alone. I have friends, but I somehow believed my parents would always love me &’i know for sure they dont or can’t…they betrayed me beyond my imagination. I cant write it all here. Parents, please learn real love is free & loving children don’t act irresponsibly and make u bail them out, but rejection due to illness, disability, things they didn’t plan and that could happen to you too, is really a horrible thing to do.whether ur the child or parent be humane. Cruelty drives your most devoted “loved ones” away and all suffer in the end. Behave.
This is quite the interesting topic. I recently cut off contact with my mother and will likely never go back. But, it’s not always the adult child’s fault.
My entire childhood – my mom provided for every physical need I could have – that’s just wonderful. But – no “I love you” no hugs, and any problem I ever had with friends or school was brushed off as “don’t worry about it”, “you are too sensitive” “you take things too personally”. Every thing she did for me (which wasn’t much) it was clear that it was an inconvenience to her.
Since I have been on my own (20 years) she has done nothing for me. No emotional support and she’ll come around on birthdays and holidays- making it clear what time she has to be home. The rest of the relationship was on me. I visited her. I helped her, I emotionally supported her. When I needed her, she couldn’t be bothered. She didn’t want to be at the birth of my son, she didn’t want to be at the birth of my daughter but reluctantly came to both because i got upset. It was tough to watch her consistently check her watch – it was such a burden for her to be there.
Now, spends no time with them when she sees them. When we go there, she puts
them in front of the tv. She has been in a room with them for as long as maybe 7 hours and might have given them 30 minutes of her time.
I have done everything for her – including taking her to doc spots 2 hours away, 3x per month. But she has never watched my kids, or seen them play sports or attended a school function. And last month when I really needed someone to watch them? Nope. But she expects me to continue doing things for her and if it doesn’t fit in my busy schedule, that’s a real problem for her.
When I tell her how I feel ( not often, learned my lesson – she blows up so I have to keep it to myself until i blow up) she blames me and tells me how hateful and hurtful I am. All I ask is that she respect me and my feelings on this – not agree – but respect them. And she tells me that no parent should have to endure this amount of pain from her child. She has never apologized to me and I have been trying to get this out for 20 years to no avail.
I cannot even explain how unimportant and unloved this has made me feel- all my life. And all she cares about is how painful that is to HER to hear. If she only knew how this has manifested in my life…
NO MORE.
Hello,
Thank you for posting your comment. I felt as though I was reading about my relationship with my Mother. I am 46 years old, until recently I began to distance myself from her because I thought it would be the best thing I could do. Otherwise, continue to talk with her and build up resentment in my heart. It got to the point where I realized that everytime we talked, she would either offer advice (I never ask for her advice), criticize or complain about me. When she was mad, she would say the most hurtful things. The truth is that I dreaded being around her because after talking with her, I often felt drained, angry, and then depressed. For instance, when she calls me I feel that I tighten up and get in a defensive mode. One day, I came across a wonderful book “BOUNDARIES” by Dr. Henry Cloud. I learned to set up boundaries when dealing with my Mother instead of ignoring her. For example, when we talk, the moment she begins to criticize or make negative remarks, I tell her that I will not talk to her when she is criticizing me and immediately end our conversation. She often tries to make me feel guilty. I realized that her making me feel guility was her way tof controlling me. So now I do things that I want to do and am not forced to do. I have a loving and supporting husband. But best of all, I have my FAITH, I pray for my Mom and ask God for his help. I need that higher power to teach me how to love someone unconditionally, forgive, and cleanse my heart from all the anger and resentment I feel toward my Mother. I yearn to have a loving relationship with my Mom because in spite of our relationship, I love her so much. In the meantime, I thank God for sending me a loving husband. He is so loving, supportive and nurtures me to death. He is the MOM, I always wish I had. : )
Anna and Sheila,
Yes to move on is the healthy and faithful choice to make. Our Higher Power will take these relations and heal them when they are no longer in the spotlight.
I pray for everyone here on this site. What a comment about our society and the times we live in.
Honor thy father and thy mother.
I was never honored by my ex and he never honored his parents, and so I have stepped into the house he made for me if I dared to cross him and I did.
But it is his house only if I allow that. Take back your center and build a healthy happy life for yourselves. Forgiveness and surrender. Let God do the rest.
prayerfully,
My daughter has distanced herself from me, her mother. I have three grandchildren. We live a long distance from each other and have for the last ten years. She is quite successful. I lost my job recently….limited money. For the last ten years she has held some type of grudge. I have tried to get to the bottom of this-but with no avail. She and her family traveled here to visit. I arranged a condo nearby walking distance- because thre was no room where I live to accomodate. I had a hot dinner waiting for them. I arranged for entertainment for us all. When they left, she never wrote a thank you note, and never called, never tried to talk with me. The first night they came in I had dinner with them, played with my grandchildren, sat down with my daughter hoping to regroup and try to talk with her. I began small chat with her, although she was reading a book. She looked away from her book and said “I am reading a book.”
I politely let myself out. Not knowing why this attitude? I assumed she was tired from the trip. I respected her.
I sent a b.d. gift to my young grandson and she never replied. Finally I chased her down to see if he receved it and to say happy birthday. I call and call and send texts to her but no reply for the last three months. At least before the trip there was contact-but always me as the one calling, contacting. Once before I said I will not call her again, even though my grandchildren are involved. I cannot continue to chase her. It is demeaning, and devastating. I am clueless. I go on hunches. Once before the trip when weeks went by and I had left messages for her, I wrote “Have I done something to offend you in anyway?” She called later and said “We are just very busy.” However she is constantly texting others and calling! It is worse than a slap in the face! Since I noticed that you pray, and so do I, I am asking you to pray for my relationship with my daughter. Her first initial is T. My real initial is H. So many things go on the web I am afraid to give real names. Anyway God knows my heart and who I am. I am a Christian, and yes I have lifted this in prayer..but it has gotten worse. Thanks for letting me vent.
I have a similar situation with my oldest daughter accept she hasn’t got children. We were always very close. My daughter and I always had a very good relationship. We loved each other very much throughout her upbringing. We argued too, but we always made up before going to bed. I supported my daughter financially all the way into her 20′s and I expected very little in return. All I wanted was for her to finish college. Suddenly everything changed when she met her current boyfriend. He’s 9 years older than her and he’s a very needy guy. She went through a sudden change when she met him. She quit school and insisted on living with him at 21, even though he had no car, and shortly after meeting her lost his apartment and lost his job. Despite all my objections and warnings she insisted he was what she wanted and she wanted him now. From the moment she met him she began to do everything for him and stopped focusing on herself. She took what little money she had saved and tried to find an apartment but because of the cost decided they would move to Orlando. All this happened several years ago. She claims it was simply because of the cost of housing and weather. Neither of them had a job offer. She’s now 24 and still claims she misses me but she continues to live several states away. Several times since she moved in with this man I had to help her financially. I have flown there many times to visit her too. I miss my daughter terribly but the truth of the matter is I spoiled her all her life and now she’s too selfish to care how much she’s hurting me by living so far away. I believe the only way she’d move back is if she needed money. I overindulged her all the way into adulthood and when I refused to indulge her boyfriend she punished me by moving to another state.
I am amazed at all the estranged relationships. How do you even start to rebuild it when the child wants no part of you? I am broken hearted that my son and I dont have a relationship. We had a great relationship until he was 18 and I divorced his father due to a addiction and the whole divorce became ugly. My son has cut off my whole entire family too. My son has a girlfriend who doesnt like me either now. I just pray daily that God heal the hearts of all involved and send people to minister to all. I have apologized for whatever I have said or did to my son because I have never really recieved a answer from him except he doesnt like who I have become. Thanks for all the feeds I no I am not alone.
Dear WJS,
Having just scanned thru this blog, I observe your negative comments but no suggestions on how to fix the problems. It would be most helpful to provide some useful advice. I have an estranged daughter and have made mistakes. Yes, the pursuit of money, in the context of a career made my daughter feel unimportant. Yes, i broke promises and was busy many times when she came for visits.
However, I was always the one she called when she got into trouble and when that happened I dropped everything and gave her my complete attention and time. After the separation (my x left me) i felt increasingly pushed away. I tried to find common ground but could not breake thru the ice.
The mother really did a good job in poisioning her mind. However, that is in the past.
I am have no problems in taking responsibility for my contribution to her stress and anxiety in her teenage years. But she made mistakes too. I forgiver her for that and i wish that i could reach out to her without precondition and establish some form of communication.
Since you frequently are critical of others on this blog and seem very angry and hurt (similar to my daughter)’what would you suggest I do? Just move on and forget about her? Or is there another alternative?
Just note that I am simply reading you most recent responses and really hope you can come back with something other thanmamput down.
We’ll see.
Sorry for the typos
Just to say, that I have faced parental alienation, with one son, and his brother and sister. They seem to only point a finger, and pick out the bad things in their childhood, and blame as their Father, did, and also he outcasted, and abused. I see their learning in him, as they decided to treat me that way. How sad they teach their own children, how to treat themselves in their coming futures. I find that no parent is perfect, NOR A CHILD. Somewhere along the line, the CHILD expected perfection, and found, blame as a way of life. I have had two other children, and they do not hold those same values, as the first family. I have even endured the older ones, wanting the younger ones to conform to their way of thinking, which has failed. When forgiveness stopped in families, from lack of church and spiritual values this gave children ammunition, to fire at parents, because their life was less then happy. Blaming them for their unhappiness, instead of taking responsibility to make life happier for themselves. I know of no one who had a perfect childhood, yet I have seen people that have had worse upbringings, be more of a human, with compassion, then some of the younger ones, who felt an entitlement to complete perfection….so sad.
My other two children, have not had the influence of a parent that blamed, and was narcissitic…and alienating…and have come along with love and care, and will in my opinion be better people for that. I am sorry, but children, lack respect, for the simple fact that their parents gave birth to them. And did their best, to give them wants and needs. They will reap what they sow, with their own children..in time. Estranged parents must learn, that life does not revolve around their children, and they must strike a cord of their own happiness separate and apart from their children. To give their children all that power over their own happiness, is dangerous. It allows adult children that are not happy the tools to try to make their parents lives whats left of them, after sacrifice, love, unending action…etc…a miserable place to be.
I think one of the problems with this forum, as with life, is that we don’t get both sides of the story. I have been estranged from my father for six months now. He was, and my assumption , still is a very emotionally abusive person. Well, that is at least my point of view. He begs to differ.
I can read some of these posts and I see that there are legitimate estrangements. children who have turned to drugs , who have mental issues etc. but I also read these and see that there are many people who remind me about my father. People who are so caught up in individual martyrdom that they fail to see that they may have actually caused some of the problems that led up to the estrangement. It is a two way street.
Sometimes it takes the simple and painfuly humbling act of saying “Okay you often complain about x,y, and z and I didn’t realize how much it hurt you”
People here seem to think estrangement is something that happened overnight. But from my experience it happened as a series of events that were never resolved. Yes your child might be angry at you for a long time, I am still not sure I could ever forgive my father. But I don’t know the future.
Geniunely asking for forgiveness goes a long way. Who knows they might surprise you and apologize to you in return. But a majority of the posts here seem vindictive and there seems to be a “take it or leave it” attitude and this child..your son or daughter is more likely to leave it as they have already left you. If you don’t have direct communication with them a sincere hand written letter sent via a third person that your child still trusts could open the door.
There is a lot of hate on both sides. You have to understand that what you feel is probably felt in the same manner by your child. He or she is your son or daughter but they are adults. They have work , possibly there own families, and you probably aren’t on the top of their priority list. Nothing is given for free. show that you are willing to earn their respect (and yes at this point respect needs to be earned, it is not given) and they may do the same. If not they tried your best. Don’t try during holidays or birthdays, those days are painful for us too. Try on a random day. Do not be accusatory at all, let them vent for a letter or two. I do hope things work out…trust me there is ample pain and greiving being done by them as well…things may not be the same but maybe “the same” was not a good situation for them..or you
Thank you for your post. I can totally relate to your perspective on this issue. My estrangement from my mom 11 years ago began when she chose not to attend my wedding. It was not of course this singular gutless event that led to my estrangement, but really just years of abusive treatment in one manner or another. This was really the cherry on top for me. And of course my wife and new family were not charmed by her actions either. In my mind, she left me very few options but to turn my back on her. Not to mention, my life has been a lot less stressful and negative without her in it.
I grew up a good kid who did well in school and stayed away from bad things. I put myself through college and have a good career and great family. However, my freedom from this person has cost me a great deal. I have 3 half siblings that were also lost. I also have an older sister who is still in contact with her even though she has also been abandoned at the alter and has been bullied for years. This dynamic has created a real strain on me and my sister’s relationship. She recently asked me to stay home from her most recent 2nd wedding as not to upset the apple cart on her special day, because I guess mom decided that this time she would attend. Others also reached out to me asking me not to attend as well. So I did what I was told. Funny, my attitude was like, “hey, I’m nervous about going and facing this person, but maybe this is a good opportunity for a small begining”. Apparently my mom felt differently and could not stand to be in the same room as me. She threatened my sister with all sorts of consequence if I was in attendance. So to silence the bully, my sister pleaded with me to stay home. I have been punished like this for 11 years now.
I have 3 children 2, 5 & 7 that do not know that they have a grandmother. Sometimes they ask, “how come daddy doesn’t have a mommy”? And my heart breaks as I try to come up with something to say.
In my mind, if someone is truly sorry for what they have done, the birth of a child is the perfect excuse to swallow one’s pride and break the silence.
In my situation that has not happened 3 times now. No call, no visit, no letter, nothing. Yet I hear rumblings from my older sister all of the time about how I need to call her and “bury the hatchet”.
Why is this my move? I did not do anything wrong. I did not ask for this situation, I was forced into it. My mom would rather be ignorant and stubborn the rest of her days then to accept accountability for the situation that she has created.
So yes it is painful for me almost daily, and I often feel guilty and sad, however, I have 4 other people to think about now and I can not come up with a good reason why I should subject them to a situation that is sure to inject negativity into their lives. It is clear to me that my mom has not changed at all, which means I lose either way. I am miserable with my current situation, but will most likely regret it the other way as well. Bottom line here is that everyone loses big time and there is no easy solution. With each passing year it gets more and more painful. She obviously is willing to take this to her grave based on her actions or lack of.
I really do not know what the answer is here, but maybe my story resonates with others who have taken action. I am curious to know the results.
I have a question, if anyone has advice for me.
My dad left our family for his mistress when I was 6. He kept in loose contact with my sister and I (visits 3-4 times a year at first, later twice a year, and nothing by the time I was 17). When I was 20, I decided that I would take the first step in building a relationship with him as an adult. We would wipe the slate clean (there had been a lot of hurt on all sides) and go from there.
Ever since then, my mom has taken personal offense to my wanting to have a relationship with my dad. She says mean things, and tries to manipulate me by offering me money if I promise her I won’t see him. She’ll pick fights with me at holiday gatherings. It’s humiliating. It makes me so angry. She’s told me that I’ve betrayed her because I’ve had coffee with his wife and stayed over at their place (the old mistress, mother of my half sisters).
Growing up, my mother was my hero, my protector, my support, and my favorite person in the world. She was a great mom. And in her defense, Dad was a total scumbag to her. She told me it was “okay if I loved my dad.” But her actions tell me otherwise. It hurts so much, because I am still working on my relationship with my dad, and it’s not always easy. It is so clear whenever I speak to him that he has always lavished attention and love on his children from his second wife, while my sister and I barely knew him.
My point through all this is that while I am trying to reconnect with my dad, and have a positive relationship with him despite being estranged for years, my mom has been hurting me so much because of this (in my view) positive step. How do I get her to back off? I am starting to resent her. I don’t want to push her away, but I don’t trust her not to hurt or humiliate me.
PS – I have been to therapy, and will soon start it up again. Mom doesn’t believe in any therapy or counseling because her own father told her it was all bunk.
Please go easy on your Mom. My husband left me and our two children for his brother’s wife. They were married for some years, then he ran off with her best girl friend. It is all I can do to be polite at family weddings and events like that. When I married the father of my children, I was a young innocent girl with great hopes. I did not know all the men in the family were philanderers and wives were to just shut up, smile and not mention it. My children will never know the pain and heartbreak their father caused me. He has charmed them, just like the Pied Piper. There are two sides to the story. Your father was a poor husband.
I read these posts and it really upsets me coz I am the daughter on the recieving end of pure BS from my adoptive parents who decided to start a bunch of trouble with my family thanks to my idiot adopted sister who I have never been close to but who always always started trouble for me as a kid growing up. I left home at 17 and got married to get away from that garbage. I am now a grown 52 year old woman married 35 years with five kids.
My parents totally disowned me, and my family over something THEY did to us. Not us doing anything to them. I live 3 thousand miles away and could care less about their life! THEY DID IT ALL! Yet, when I asked for an apology… oh no way….oh heck no. Are we serious? Us say sorry? No way. They made their way to the top of the corporate ladder and think nothing of flaunting all they have and treating others as if they are above everyone and everyone else is garbage…..which is fine if you want to be so shallow in my opinon…but to act like this and then disown my family when we did nothing yet to be accused of something nobody did and then call and start a fight and not apologize along with the crap they had been pulling the last few years…games, lies, bs..I had enough. I flat out told them what I thought and refuse to speak to them ever again…EVER. I do not even care if they die..I will not be there. They hurt us beyond what they should have ever done to us… with the nasty things they said, the put downs, the bs. AND..to be adopted is something I have struggled with my whole life so they were special to me…and then they do this and throw me away as if I did not matter at all. Sick. There is no unconditional love from them. The minute I stood my ground and told them how I FELT that was it for me. Done. DISOWNED. I never stood my ground with them growing up coz I was not allowed to speak my thoughts ever. I was blamed for things I never did that my sister always did..not me, but I got punished all the time..oh the list goes on but I never spoke my mind and I finally did at 50 years old and for that…disowned. I do not owe them anything. I have my life to live, and I have been devastated by how they turned on me and my family and I will never forgive them ever coz we did not deserve this treatment. My idiot sister..oh man…she is such trouble with her lies and games, but they always felt so sorry for her coz she was a fat pig who stuffed her mouth, was nasty and had no friends and I was the pretty girl with friends so all my life it has been poor poor her…..poor her. So sickening… she has caused me troubles all my life and now…..she caused the whole family to not speak and for me to be disowned by her actions yet the parents refuse to say sorry for their actions, calling me accusing us of things and screaming how they wanted nothing to do with us when we did nothing. I was not even allowed to speak or say anything that day…all my loving dad could do was SCREAM at me at the top of his lungs and everytime I tried to speak to defend me, us, my family he just screamed LOUDER at me. I am not a kid anymore and I DO NOT have to take that! Nobody screams at me like he did. Nobody. It is NOT how you treat others. Period.
My kids are devastaed as the parents stopped calling them or sending them presents for birthdays or Christmas even…oh it gets more involved and I cannot explain it without getting into more which I won’t do here, but the point is…reading what these parents say is like…oh my god…they could NEVER be bad parents..they all say they were such good parents but if they were why then are they estranged from their own kids??? LIKE MINE ARE AS WELL??? COZ THEY PROBABLY DID THINGS TO MAKE IT THIS WAY BUT ARE TOO BLIND TO SEE IT, OR REFUSE TO ADMIT THEY COULD BE WRONG, OR ARE WRONG. THEY WANT TO BLAME THEIR KIDS!!!! NOT THEMSELVES. NO WAY! WAKE UP PARENTS….no child wants to be estranged from the parents unless YOU did something to cause it. Nobody is perfect and that means parents as well.
Now, if mine could only get over themselves, call and say sorry and mean it, and make things better than things would have been different, but they refuse. It is now going on three years and I SEND emails and they never respond so guess what…go die and do not count on seeing me ever again coz I AM DONE with them. So it goes BOTH ways parents…STOP blaming your kids for your estrangment coz that is all I am reading here. You have all blamed your kids but not yourselves at all and trust me you are part of the problem coz no kid would not want to love and be with their parents otherwise. You played a part in this estrangment like it or not, admit it or not..you did. NOBODY can be a perfect parent..that is IMPOSSIBLE. And, no kid can be a perfect kid either….IMPOSSIBLE.
So really…stop PRETENDING to all be so perfect and you just cannot understand this estangement with your kid or kids. You are all in denial and blaming your kids here. No wonder your kids want nothing to do with any of you. I feel the same with my parents. If they want to continue to act this way…then so be it, but they lost a daughter in doing so. Admit it..you all made mistakes that caused this to happen. Stop blaming your kids. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO! Truth can be brutal all you parents……time for a reality check!
When the choice became one of saving my sanity so I could take care of my children versus fighting the never ending battle to save my mother, who refused all medical/professional help, it became not so hard at all to say goodbye for good. It was not done to punish her, although she does feel that is the case. I “raised” my mother, fought off my father and no, I do not owe either of them the second half of my life. Will I regret my decision when they are dead? I am willing to risk that. I don’t want their money. It is possible to get pushed to the point that for your own sanity it is necessary not to care. Sounds harsh. Life is like that sometimes.
My younger son at 22 met a girl who he did not want to go out with at first as he felt she was heavily pursuing him. And she started buying him clothes, and I guess the girl buying him clothes/taking care of him, appealed somehow, she was all about how did he want their relationship to be, they got involved. She moved him out behind my back, he never would have moved out behind my back if he had not been influenced, I know that to my bones. He had been to college but didn’t like it and had gone straight into career. I was not one to push my kids out, felt they would evolve to moving out, as all kids do. Older son had lived at college, I guess I expected my younger son to, as well, so he was at home when this girl “found” him. Right away I was made into 100 different things by her, to him. I started realizing he was becoming very influenced and also very mixed up, she, and her mother, were causing him to doubt me, made it seem to him, and said to him, I had not let him grow. In reality, he had been across the country on his own prior to meeting them, and also out of the country on his own with an earlier girlfriend, had even been across the country on his own with his brother to see their Dad, when he was in 7th grade…this girl and her parents had no honest realization of his life, they just judged me for being a single mother, at that time living in an apt that I had not intended to stay in. We had lived in nicer, beautiful rentals…they did not realize that, but I was judged for not owning a home, and for not remarrying, her mother said I did a disservice to my sons by not remarrying.
And it has gone on, 4 yrs now in all….and of course my son and his girl live together, he has not been able to answer his phone to me, since they moved in together 3 yrs ago….I was not invited into their apt for a whole year, her parents were there the day they moved in, helping, I was not told of their moving in together and not invited, it all has hurt. Once living together, gifts I gave him for birthday or Xmas, were left out in a cold and dirty hallway for a month. I noticed clothing I had given him less than a yr ago, being readied for a donation to a thrift shop… seemed anything from me, was not allowed in to their apt.
Learned early on that if I tried to go see my son for 2 seconds to just tell him some family news or to say Hi, that the door would not be opened to me, they would just pretend no one was at the door. So, I learned early to not go there, because it hurt too much, to face that.
Only way I can ever speak to my son, like to tell him a loved family member was dying and then when our family member did die, the only way I could tell him aside from texting it, has been to go see him briefly at his work, which is a public place and which I am a customer of…but that is just terrible. He has become very changed by his relationship, the girl spins any and everything, and has him portray things, so his work place cronies/coworkers became part of who the show was for, I would say that is fair to say, too.
I am and was a good mother, and I raised my kids right, and with a lot of love and also, we were a happy family. Our family made no sense to her and her mom, because it was me and my 2 kids, no father nearby, he had relocated many yrs before back to his hometown across the country, and had remarried and had basically not bothered to see the kids once remarried. which the kids’ Dad, now regrets…but he wasted yrs of life with his priorities not in the right place that way, until he got over 50.
Some of my son’s confusion, I know is because he has been unsure about what Dad is really like and where was Dad and why questions. I have encouraged my kids to spend time with their Dad now that he is more available and I sincerely have wanted that for my kids. His girlfriend caused him to doubt many many things about his life. At this point in time, I think she is just plain not a healthy girl, mentally, seems to be intent upon destroying everything she can, about our family. Remarkably unaware that she creates drama and thinks wrong things, my son has been unable for some reason, to straighten out when she thinks things that are not real…but the girl has thought tons of things esp about me, that honestly just aren’t real. And over time, my son has become where he thinks things that aren’t real as well. And it is scary, like watching your kid lose his ability to stay in reality 24/7. She puts doubt into him, convinces him of stuff, or they do it together, but he can honestly believe something about his childhood now that never ever happened….his brother and I know he is not thinking right. We don’t know what to do. My son gets pulled into believing whatever his girl believes, sometimes I can pull him back into factual reality, and he realizes what he had just been thinking along with her, is not true. But he seems to go back into that again along with her. I’ve watched the girl lie and believe what lie she tells, and now my son lies too, to me and it blows me away. He will say one thing and do another now, and can cause me a lot of stress and upset by never knowing if he will come thru with what he said he will do. Girl seems to intentionally create something to run counter to anything that is important to me. It finally came out, that my son told a family member that he has been hurting me on purpose for something he felt deprived of in childhood. My son always was an honest and loyal person, these words, are not even words he would use, they are his girl’s words, and I know that, but my son does not know that, he can’t keep track anymore of where he begins and ends in relation to his girl. I know it is a real unhealthy relationship they have, but he doesn’t know that, and I’ve never seen anyone get that lost in a relationship, as he has with his. The dynamic their relationship has is that i have to be the bad mom, her mom is the good mom ,and he can’t see me and has to hurt me…that is what their relationship requires. And I know it is her stuff and her issues, if not a pathology….but my son is getting sick by being with her, acting in sick, destructive ways, and this was a REALLY great kid, everyone knows he is a great kid, but now as an adult, he has become like who he is with, and I don’t know how to help him, or how to keep our family together, or how to even get beyond the depression I have had off and on, over this 4 yr long nightmare, it certainly was not ever anything I expected. His girl is cruel and has issues from her own family and they have spilled all onto our family, and I have tried my very best to be open to her, however I find over and over that she takes anything and twists me to him always, so it is not intelligent to keep trying to know her. My son has developed resentment, she is a resentful girl who believes in payback, which is appalling….I can’t do anything right according to them, and realize I can’t do anything to make any difference…I thought he would outgrow this by now, but has not, none of this is like him at all.
I have tried not trying to see him or stay in touch…everything I’ve read says don’t lose touch with your kids. It goes against every instinct to not try, however, my always being the one who tries, just sets me up for being abused really, so there is not point in being a willing victim.
I just don’t know what will happen. I just pray his age will take over and finally wake him up/grow him up, I raised my kids with good values, yet my son is acting very opposite of anything I raised my kids to value. It is a terrible generation, this group of 20 to 29 yr olds, I think….so much drinking and so far I think my son has stayed away from drugs but I do believe he is in trouble with alcohol, and that that is half of this problem, his relationship is a drinking relationship — there has been real alcoholism on both sides of my boys’ family, I raised my kids to have healthy fun, and didn’t have alcohol around, and this girl in part tempted him thru alcohol…now it is a daily thing, I believe and has been for the past 3 yrs, but while he holds down a good career, he complains all the time about his job, doesn’t value how lucky he is to be earning a lot more than many, many ppl do. He has done well, and the girl is about money…they are into buying real expensive vehicles, she likes 300 dollar purses, she doesn’t come from money but seems to value nice things. This is only his second big relationship, his prior one was with a wonderful girl, this girl has been a nightmare. Our family has embraced her and welcomed her in, but it will never be great because she likes to shaft ppl and misreads ppl and makes a lot of mistakes. She is young emotionally, and doesn’t realize a lot about herself yet, like she does not realize she is emotionally manipulative, and I am sure not going to be a person to help her realize that…all I can do is care about my son’s being emotionally manipulated and completely changed by his relationship with her, and not all changes have been for the best certainly…but it works best when we accept her, which we have done, yet I’ve learned very seriously that any encounter just leads to more running me down to my son and brainwashing him…so I don’t think it is even safe, to be around her, for me. She can’t stop needing to demolish me to my son, she even tries to run me down to my own family members behind my back when we are at a family funeral, so I can’t deal with it any more, the low class and lack of sense of right and wrong…. Relatives who I hadn’t seen in many years said to me that she runs him, but there is nothing anyone can say to him…he has to realize himself.
It’s been horrible and he becomes more estranged every month, and I know none of his life would have been like this…I know it is not his right path. She needs him to take stands for her. I can’t even deal with the mentality. He was a very adored kid and young man, by me and also by his brother growing up, and he knows that, and he was given most of whatever he wanted…knows I gave him everything I could and he knows I loved my children, and since with her, new versions of what was real, have been created, and so his girl has been in the dark due to that, but she also helps convince him of not real stuff too….it’s like Casey Anthony in the lie zone, his girl is very dishonest and quick and manipulative, she is very bright but uses intelligence in devious and harmful ways, and I always have been honest with my kids and raised them to be honest.
I can’t deal with the drama any more. I love my son and I am disappointed in him now, which is a real shame, because I was always so proud of him, really, and he has done stuff over and over since with her, almost as tho to provoke disappointment in him, almost as tho to live as “the bad kid”, and it has all been at his girl’s prodding to become “bad”….but it is killing me. Part of it seems to be to try to be like some idea he has of Dad, altho I was very careful to never make Dad bad to my kids altho his neglect and absence was pretty unforgiveable, I still maintained my very best efforts at wholeness for my kids with their father. I never thought my son would make me bad. I was the one who was there for my kids. Totally. I pulled in a 2 parent income as well as i could, and I loved them every single day of their lives and they know this. And I don’t know why my younger son was so vulnerable to what another person or family could think, why that would tip him so badly like this.
Thank you for the posts I read here, it is good to be able to find someone else to talk to about it, others who have been through it. It’s so hard to understand.
Dear Another Mom
I read your story and I am so sorry. I can hear your pain. I too have a daughter and your story is almost identical to mine. I believe i read the term “gaslighting” as to what is taking place with our children.I am not a therapist …only searching for some answers I pray every night and day.
I decided to write a journal to my daughter expressing how I feel.
She has 2 beautiful sons from a previous marriage that he treats like trash.
My poor grandsons…..I am so disappointed in her.
Good luck to you….I will keep you in my thoughts
I am a 70 year old woman who has one adult son who is 42 years old. I divorced his dad when he was 6 and came out as a lesbian when he was 7 although I didn’t know
my orientation until after the divorce. He saw lovers in and out of our bungalow during his growing years and they were kind to him but never formed a true relationship with him. His dad was very involved and nice to him. His step mother mean but I didn’t know it. I am a nonforming writing and visual artist and his dad is a wealthy business man who is kind to him. I received no money after 17 years of marriage and so my son had a rich, straight conforming stable father and he lived with a poor, lesbian nonconforming unstable mother for several years.
He is very self conscious to the point it interferes with his job. He seems to have a lot of shame. I suggested it might be because I was a lesbian mom (even though I never came out in the neighborhood and told him that I wouldn’t. The 70′s and even the 80′s wasn’t a kind time for lesbians and their kids.) He never told anyone until he was ready to marry. He says no, he never thinks about that. I know he loves me but wonder if he likes me. I have this sad thought that he feels he came from something abnormal and that is his deep shame. I have never read this and wondered what you think of this. He doesn’t like to talk about feeling although he’s had therapy for not knowing how to fit in this society as a man after traveling around the world for a few years. As I said, his father was a good father but never gave much direction. I am probably the stronger minded of the parents and he is closer to me. He stands up to me but doesn’t say much personal to his dad.
Feels sorry for his dad because of his stepmother and her troubles.
Hey out there,I can empathize with all of your stories.I have adult children of my own.My oldest daughter is longing to reunite my and grandmothers relationship after I experienced years of childhood sexual abuse in the care of my mother.Yet because I have refused to even speak to my mother for nearly 12 years my daughter is somehow miffed at me without understanding anything about me or my experience with that type of abuse.My second oldest daughter after being raised in a loving,home educated via homeschooling decided after getting her 1st job at McDonalds that she would listen to her friends who alienated her into believing that her parents didnt know what was best for her.So after moving in with a gay-lover(so I was told)she went on into the Navy..But I choose not to have a relationship with her because she stole money from me before she left /or rather before her father kicked her out but I tried desperately to get her to return home.But her being in the military still has not changed her lying,or or selfish ways.So in final,these two relationdship confused,angered,and saddened me at some points in the past.But it is funny how when you release your burdens and hurt to the Universe,that things would slowly come around for your betterment.My oldest still wants a relationship,and my second daughter hs tried to make some contact with her siblings….But I choose to have them remain out of my life because I long for love,serenity,honesty and consistent people in my life.I don’t feel I owe them anymore of me because they have life because of me and this gift is immeasureable….I know now that although love from my children is a bonus in my life,it is no match for the love I have begun to give myself!!!!!
You are really ***up. You are right to let your kids have peace. As she is an adults the military will “cure” dishonesty issues. You see they can’t afford to have enlisted people who are not ridigidly controlled. Who live in a fantasy world. I am so happy for your daughter and happy you were smart enough to keep your toxic ways away from them. I am very proud of you
No, she’s not ***up. She’s honest. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not allowing a child to be in your life when they steal, lie and manipulate. There’s something wrong with ALLOWING it to continue in your life. Having a birthright doesn’t mean having a right to create chaos in a parent’s life. And a parent has a right to not allow it. EVER.
Sorry Vicki, but the “cure” for dishonest people in the military is to kick them out. They may get a chance or two, but if they don’t WANT to change, they won’t… can’t… be forced. They’ll simply be shown the door like any other liar or thief. Hopefully more quickly though, so they don’t get a shipmate killed.
The best thing lovingme4ever can do is to keep caring for herself, just like she’s doing.
My door is always open to my estranged son, but I do not have to be in emotional punching bag, for him or anyone. All I can do is set the best example I’m capable of.
~a retired Naval Officer
This ifonmrtaion is off the hizool!
Hey out there I
My oldest son has stopped communicating with me. Took my granddaughter away at age 4, we had spend every possible moment with her during her first 4 years and then nothing. I have tried every thing I know how. I have called, emailed, texted, facebook post, ect. When I sent gifts for christmas and birthday, ect. he did respond in a text for me not to send that stuff, she doesn’t like it and it is just a problem for them to return or get rid of. My heart was broken. For most of the first year, I cried and begged, prayed and cried some more. The daughter-in-law’s family has become the only family they have. The other Mother was a colleaque of mine and I thought a friend, but she refuses to discuss it or be of any help. I have retired and I am traveling. I have my faith, I pray for courage to get stronger everyday. I concentrate on what I have, My husband, my church family, my other family, my friends. Life goes on, It is not easy, I still have bad days, but most of the time, I count my blessing and realize that I am a lucky person and this one tradgedy does not define me or my entire life.
My 37 yr old adult daughter – wants nothing to do with her side of the family. Everything is about my son-in-laws wealthy parents. They own their own business – which my son-in law works for; my daughter gets a $300 weekly paycheck (but does not work); phone, cars are leased by his dad’s company, private schooling for grandchildren, vacations, etc. all paid for my inlaws. My daughter has cmpletely stopped all assoication with all relatives on her side. Now she doesn’t even permit us to see our grandchildren. I emailed her and apoligized for anything that we may have said or done. I am at wits end. It is like she has been bought and we are not good enough. Any suggestions?
I have a daughter in her early 20′s that resents me texting and calling her. She ignores about 90 percent of all calls from me, Im worried that she will become an estranged daughter someday without any valid reason except that “its easier for her to not have me in her life”. Sounds so pathetic but it’s true. I don’t know why some kids are respectful and appreciative of their parents and others don’t want anything to do with their parents. I need advice on what I should do to turn this behaviour around before she pulls away completely. any help?
I can barely get through the days without thinking of all the great things about my son and how I spent so much time teaching him to be a good man, giving him damn near everything he needed through school, etc, I was a good mom, I was a great mom, till he moved out at 18 and into his girlfriends family house, the separation started, but I thought he was just spending time with her. After two years of avoidance, can’t make lunch, doing the holidays at their house and I am not invited, finally I met him and the girl (whom I like) for breakfast, and I paid, we even agreed to do lunch or breakfast at least once a month, we live about an hour away from each other and crazy work/school schedules, so that was best we came up with, I even gave him $200 for a new android phone cuz he said he was always dropping calls and texts. The very next day he sent me a text stating that he could not see me anymore or talk to me as having a relationship with me was putting his living situation in danger and it wasn’t healthy. It’s been two months, I have sent the angry texts, I have apologized for anything and everything, still nothing. NOW i feel I can’t trust him back in my life, what would stop him from hurting me again. Just don’t get it.
I am 35 and have been estranged from my mother for about 4-5 years. I honestly can’t remember how long it’s been. I never call her or send anything. She does not have a relationship with my child. I used to answer her calls and quickly answer her question, but now I don’t even do that. I have a lot of resentment going back through my childhood. I think she could have been a better mother. I was never her favorite child and I knew it. She said many hurtful things to me over the years. When I was around 5-6 she would laugh and chant “Sumo! Sumo!” with my sisters. I remember. I remember someone that yelled and screamed and was opinionated. The opinionated part was probably the biggest thing that made me not want to have contact with her. Everything just built up and then one day I just decided that I didn’t like her and didn’t want to be like her. I felt as though I didn’t even know her. I am angry because I feel I should have had a happier childhood. I hope this helps explain to some parents why their children don’t want a relationship. I just don’t care anymore.
Amy,
I understand how you feel. I’ve been on both sides of this issue myself. I am really impressed you came in here to help people understand how an estranging child feels. You didn’t have to do that, but you did anyhow. You are so honest when you say, “I am angry because I feel I should have had a happier childhood.” Boy can I relate to that. I had a disabled sibling who regularly beat up on me and my parents did nothing. A person who was a lot bigger and stronger. And who was older than me. I was told to take it because this person was disabled. Now that is the stuff nightmares are made of.
It took almost fifty years to forgive them. And that person had to die first. But with a great deal of counseling and acceptance of my parents as human beings I am much better off now. I was finally able to accept how limited they are as human beings. And how much the did that was good. Then accept it all and love them anyhow.
I am not trying to rain on your parade, but I want to say it is impossible for parents to do a perfect job of raising kids and they will do selfish, dumb things. The question is, did they do it deliberately? Were they not being good parents when they could have? Would they do it again if you try to explain the problem?
Down deep inside we do not want to tell our folks how to be good parents. We want them to automatically know how.
I never did get an apology for the pain and suffering my sibling did to me. And believe me. What happened held me back in every area of my life for fifty years. So we are not talking about some minor irritations.
But part of growing up is to understand that our parents are just people too. And they do not have all the answers. So some of those answers will have to come from you. Unfair as that sounds.
What you hope for are parents who will listen and not get upset or throw it back at you once you do change the game plan. Meaning that you are going to act differently so they are forced to act differently.
If you can tell your parents the stuff they do that hurts you and why it just isn’t cool, it might sober them up.
That would require therapy to sort out. And if you are willing to go that far and your parents are willing to go to therapy with you I say do it! At least give it a try.
Now one last question. Would they hurt you again?
In truth, that is the BIG question. I am excluding real abuse here. I am talking about how people rub each other the wrong way. Or overwhelm others with their neediness, don’t respect boundaries, etc.
Not big problems with abuse where you can get truly really hurt.
Given the chance to communicate your needs, your feelings and your desire to be treated well to them… If they did it again would you walk out permanently? Remember that we are creatures of habit. And sometimes kids gotta train their parents to treat them right over time.
It is worth a try. If you mother teased and humiliated you, tell her. And tell her that it is driving you away. ASK her if she wants you to be driven away. It may not dawn on her that things are so serious. If she knows how serious it is I bet she would be very willing to work on things with you.
And remember that working on relationships takes time. It takes dedication. But please trust me. If there is anything worth saving you will be better off. My mother, who I hated for placing me in peril and then forcing me to believe it was my fault I was being attacked and abused… My mother is now very precious to me.
And I have inner peace knowing we have come to terms where she treats me like an adult now. It took a long time. My father died and we never resolved things. But I forgive him.
And I am glad I did. Because my life is much better for it.
My daughter walked out on me many years ago before I had my issues worked out. I hope some day she will come back and see how much I love her. And that I did not mean to be unavailable while I worked through my massive wounds. I hope and pray this every day. Because I love her from the depths of my heart. And I want her to know that.
So, please think about the things I wrote. And if they apply, please find a GOOD counselor who understands these issues. And tell your parents very clearly what your goals are. And why.
Best luck…
“I was a good mum, I was a great mum”… that’s the problem right there Mary. I am a mother of two boys and Iwould never consider myself a good mum or great mum. I’m a human being who makes mistakes. You need to come from a place of sincere humility with your son. Whenever I read a parent claiming that they’ve done no wrong, I feel sorry for the child because how unpleasant is it to be in a relationship with someone who thinks that they are right about everything.
How dare you tell this woman she’s the problem simply because she believes she was a great mom. Chances are pretty darn good that she was a great mom! She didn’t say she was perfect, and chances are that she did only her best that she knew at the time when was raising her children. I also have a daughter headed for estrangement – I was a great mom – a great single mom who did only the best that I knew at the time. My daughter’s adult problems are not because I wasn’t a caring, loving, giving and good mom! I don’t know her exact problem right now, but it isn’t because I didn’t do my very best at the time I was raising them. Shame on you to berate a mom in writing, in public, whom you really don’t know!
shame on you. who do you think you are? We can’t possibly berate a mom in public? Please get over yourself. You’re a human being that obviously thinks parents deserve respect no matter what they say or do. Well too bad, they don’t. They cannot do and say things to their children and expect zero consequences and continued respect. No instead, they should expect resentment and estrangement.
I agree i was a good mum, how can i say that, i can because i got married my husband and i together agreed to have kids and a home, then when he got tired of it he walked out, i was there to raise 3 girls on my own, and i did the best i could to balance which bills to pay, and how to afford girl scouts, and to pay rent when i lost my job, this was my struggle for 17 yrs, i never dated all i did was work and take care of my daughters, i never hit them, or say cruel or unkind words, i was cheer leading coach, and never missed a cross country meet, we took trips several times a yr, to beaches and museuems, we had little traditions like pop tarts on your birthday morning, and all the love i could dole out, now ,y daughter meets this guy who is a 7 time loser and i am the bad one, she says she had an unhappy childhood, and i am mean,,,when he was in jail i watched my grandson,,,while she worked,,now i cant see them at all,,and i didnt do anything except object to her nazi jerk boyfriend, this was the light of my life, a child who carried with her a glow and people adorred her, she had tons of friends was close with me and my other dtrs,,now she is mean, spiteful and wont even talk to ,me,,,she broke my heart so badly because i never believed any of my dtrs would treat me that way, we shared a bond,,that i thought coudlnt be broken,,but i am getting past the depression, the thoughts i did some thing wrong,,qd now i see she is a spoiled little brat, lashing out like a 10 yr old, and one day she will see the man for what he is,,and will realize what she missed by having me in her life and what her kids missed out on,,
so in closing one day i was pissed and i was in the kitchen slamming cabinet doors,,just one after the other,, my dtr comes in and says,,,,mom your nuts,,,i said no,,i could be hitting you instead,,,,,,
Thank you for saying that sometimes the problem IS the parent. I am so sick of comments like the ones all over this site. If you were really so awesome as a parent, maybe you would have a better relationship with your adult children. Everyone in a relationship is a human being and we all make mistakes. Maybe it’s time for adults to accept that hardly ever do children estrange themselves from Mom and Dad lightly. Perhaps if you would admit you are less than perfect in all ways, you would not be facing the situations you are in. But I can promise you one thing, until you come from a place of a bit more humility and some realism, your children are right in not dealing with you. It would take some work on your part as well as your child’s to fix a relationship that has gone south. If you can’t or won’t realize that fact, then you could at least accept the consequences of your own actions. It takes two to tango. So stop with all the phoney “what did I ever do wrong” stuff and try to approach things more honestly. If you are ever able to make amends and take some responsibility for the estrangement too, then you might be able to restore the relationship.
Exactly true! “I was a good mom, I was a great mom”… So the kids owe you right? What kind of grandparent are you? What’s more important, your grand-kid’s birthday, school event etc or your trip to Mexico/Vegas, snowbird lifestyle?
I am an estranged son. I am 56 and stopped talking to my parents at age 53. In my case the basic problem with our relationship was their inability to recognize boundries between my life and theirs. I see the same theme in many of the comments written in this post. It makes my blood boil when I read how so many of you parents out there still try to control your adult childrens behaviors when you have no control over them. Clearly some adult children have resentment issues but the majority are simply exercising their independence and are tired of fighting for it every time they talk to you.
On our last phone call my mother told me my relationship with my wife and family was a failure, my faith was a failure and my career was a failure. She that said she wished she had beat me more as a child so I wouldn’t be so insubordinate. All this was because I had the audicity to tell them they should pick another time for their uninvited visit.
I am a mother deeply wounded by a beloved son in his 20′s . I only went so far into his life as I was invited, and was always there for him.
Two yrs ago, my husvband , who was a terrific dad, was dx with serious cancer. I called my 2 sons and asked if they would help us as I was devastated at the thought of losing him. I was in crisis and believed we would gather round.
My oldest son pretty much avoided us for a long time. My youngest (in his 20s ) dropped from the scene completely.
It’s like he’s dead … and yet, he’s not.
I couldnt be more heartbroken if he were in a tragic car accident.
He ignores emails, phone calls and texts completely so I have NO way to reach him.
My loss can never be expolained.
lori,
I couldn’t have said it better. It is like he’s dead…..but he’s not. I too have a son who has been estranged from us for 6 years. I am heart broken and do not understand. Yet, I have a hard time relaying how I feel to people because it is all just so hard to grasp. I worried about so many things when he was growing up, but never in a million years would I have thought this could happen. We did not have an argument or disagreement, he just cut us off and now refuses to talk about it. He ignores any calls or any attempt to talk with him. This has had such an impact on our lives. I’m beginning to forget what a kind, decent human being he was. Honestly, I do not think he would even attend my husband or my funeral. Now, I actually fear him, because he has this incredible power to hurt me more and more.
Lori, I have a son who is at least on the verge of becoming estranged from me. I also have a brother who went missing 3-1/2 years ago and was never found. In my search for answers, I came across Dr. Pauline Boss, who wrote about such relationships, and she gave it a term, “ambiguous loss.” It is one of the worst losses a person can suffer. To quote her, she says, “The process of comprehending and moving on when someone we love is physically or psychologically missing is immensely difficult.” She has a web site at http://www.ambiguousloss.com/ I found her book, “Ambiguous Loss–Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief” immensely helpful. You can find it easily with a Google search.
I identify completely. I never imagined my son would or even could X me out of his life. I enjoy raising him. He was a problem child. and became a problemed young adult. My love and dedication never waivered. I sought him help and stood by him during the process. He’s a wonderful young man. He’s brilliant and funny. He decided three years ago he no longer wanted me in his life. I haven’t seen him durning that period. Nor heard his voice. I have recieved 2 text messages in the past 3 years. I don’t deserve this. I may have been flawed as we all are. However I have always been solid. He was raised right. So here I am 46 and he 24 and I’m tired. Tired of wondering, hoping and begging. I’m tired of the embarrashment and shame of his absents in my life. I’m tired of the panic attacks and restless days and nights. I love him more than I can put into words. And I deserve better from him so does his brothers………I’m ready to let go. Move on and began to live with the acceptance that HE IS GONE,DEAD. And if and when he returns I pray to live long enough to see it. But if i don’t GOD have mercy on his soul.
Way to go on the drama here. Maybe if you hadn’t labelled him a problem child and acted like you were so awesome for standing by him in spite of it, he would want to talk to you now. I hope you see the error of your ways and pray for some forgiveness for even posting such a comment.
You sound like a thankless child.
WJS – REALLY? How was that reply in any way helpful? It was mean spirited and very bitter. You seem so judgemental perhaps seeking some professional help to deal with your anger would help you in life. Good luck and may you find some peace and compassion for others and perhaps you could pray for some forgiveness yourself.
Robert. I have an estranged son and do not know why. At 22 he’s mad at me for things I have no control over.
If I were you I would not want to have any relationship with my mother either.
Not every estrangement is for no reason…
Hey, this brings up a really important point. There is a common theme about boundary crashing and estrangement. BUT! Sorry, this has affected me for a long time with my own child and I’m upset…
But, there is also cooperation to discover how to set up healthy boundaries. Parents are in “parenting mode” for a long, long time. It is very short sighted to think they can do a U-turn without some help. Without some information. And you are that source of information to them! Meaning that if your boundaries are violated, don’t cut them off without getting some help communicating the problems. Go to counseling or simply get some friends to come over and help you explain. Expect them to not get it at first. It may take several tries. Many tries in fact!
Estrangement is like death. It is like destroying and shattering the other person’s soul. When that person is your parent, it is especially shattering to them.
I wish people could grasp that primary relationships take a lot of effort. And unless you are being severely abused it is in your best interest and the best interest of your parent to explore together the reasons for unrest.
Why do I say this? Because unresolved conflicts like this will affect the way you feel about your mate, your work, your life in many ways. Resolving those conflicts with the other party will free you from a huge ball of anger and frustration. Your life will change from the inside out when you demonstrate you are an adult and why you need to be treated that way. Do not run from that opportunity! It will also help you “realize” that your pain isn’t just about you. After years of being raised by another person it is about them too. And chances are they will grow into a new maturity once the next level of mutual understanding is reached.
I know some people will probably cry “foul” over this. Let them. Our family has been rife with estrangement problems and I feel I am coming from a position of strength to say – work it out. You have to make it very plain what your boundaries are. After a few months, or maybe even years your parents will get it. But don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. You are better off being around them, acting like an adult with boundaries and having those boundaries understood and respected. You are better off than you are running away. Trust me please.
And the lady earlier who said it is wrong to say you were a great mom? Hey. Nothing wrong with saying that. It can simply mean, “I did my best.” Not, “I’m never wrong.” I thought that attack on her was pretty harsh.
My 33-year-old daughter and I have been completely estranged for ten years. I’m not perfect, but I was very good to her. For a long time, it hurt me so badly but now I’m just plain angry. As far as I am concerned, she can kiss my a*s. My son is 24 years old and I almost never hear from him. He was 13 when his father and I got divorced. My kids blame me for the divorce and their father getting “hurt.” There is so much they don’t know. My kids and I were very close when they were young, but I guess they think they have a right to take over God’s job and judge me very harshly. Bottom line – I’m glad to be rid of that patholgical lying piece of garbage that was my husband. If my kids don’t like it, then that’s just too bad. They’ve never seen another side of their dad that I had to deal with. The irony is he’s the parent in their lives and I’m the outcast and I was always afraid that might happen throughout the years of marriage. I’ve been asked why I didn’t get out sooner – well, I knew what he would do if I did and it was worse than anticipated. He even took my motherhood away. Bye kids. I’m done.
Wow. That’s sad.
Heidi, I have had the problem longer than that. There is a philosophy common today that if someone upsets our calm you cut them off. It’s so harsh. It doesn’t really solve the inner conflict when that person is your parent. Children bail out for their own sanity. I’ve done it myself. But I learned it was a shortcut and an avoidance of reality.
Eventually I worked things out with my mother. And I never felt so grown up and protected as I did the day I realized she couldn’t really hurt me. She is just another human being with weaknesses too. And most of the time I tell her when she has hurt me. She still has her holy grails of wrong doing that she won’t admit. But let her. She is just human too!
Far better to have her in my life with her respecting me than be cut off!
My 33 year old beautiful, talented daughter wants nothing to do with me. Nothing. And will not let me see the kids. I am not sure how much longer I can go one…………………………..
I think out of all the postings ur short and sweet one drove it home for me.
I havent been able to verbally express it until now…….and it is that my 23 year old son that i loved with all all my heart doesnt want anything to do with me. I’m sick over it. And im powerless. its been 3 years of waiting wondering wishing hoping praying and begging….i feel so lost not all the time but when it comes on i lose my composure. i cant breathe i cant speak . i would do anything for a second chance with him. i raise him as best i could. i gave him everything. i love him more than i have ever loved another human being. he feels dead to me.. and i do put up a brave front but so do I. my son took a piece of me along him 3 years ago. in 2006 my mother betrayed me in a way no mother should. it was hard to trust her so i kept my distance. during that time i had flash backs of the times we shared. i realized that i did love her. and thats all it took. i beagn slowly allowing her into my life. and presently we’re not where we use to be. but we’re on the mend. i love her. and thats all it has took to began the repair of our broken relationship. i pray my son still has some love for me. theres nothing in this world i would want more than to see him again.
I come back here from time to time-to check in and see the people who are much worse off than I am. Folks you HAVE to shut these emotions downand move on. Truly- I know I have been there- still there. My daughter is now 3 and we haven’t spoken or communicated since she was 30. I think the biggest help to me was moving to a new residence and making new memories and new friends who have not known her. IF I had too look at her old room or anything to do with her everyday I would be nuts too… so IF you can possibly afford it.
MOVE. It helped 100 %. I have moved on with my life- sure there will always be a big hole. I was a great mother and I know it. I don’t have to stay in the past
and mourn this relationship. IF she ever comes home fine- but in the immortal words of Gloria Gaynor– I will survive. Good luck and thoughts and prayers for each of you to move away from this ship wreck alive !
Not realistic.
We can’t all just pack up and move !
Besides, wherever you go …there you are / pain and all Some of us are grieving.
Anna: Amen! Thank you for stopping in from time-to-time…as I do and reminding us all to ‘move on’. Should these children ever come back we will be better to be around, should they not at least we a happy people! Oh by the way: You don’t need to move to move-on…Just Move-On
There was a time when my family was so close. When my daughter in law first starting dating my son, she did everything to make us literally fall in love with her. I did just that. Then after the engagement things changed drastically. After the wedding it became more difficult than ever. The holidays, birthdays, etc. never got celebrated anymore. At least not for us. The stress on the family became so great that I ended up divorcing my husband. My son has told me over and over again that his wife felt intimidated by the closeness of his family. No matter what I said or did it was never right. I struggle with the fact that I don’t see my sons very much at all. Sitting alone on every holiday is difficult. If I say anything or ask for some of thier time, they get upset and tell me that they work and are busy. That hurts. Now I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and yes, still I have angered them for begging for a little attention. Going to the surgeon to hear my fate alone is something no human being should ever go through. My son tells me that a consult with the surgeon does not consitute an emergency. I just don’t know how to deal with this hurt. I’m angry that they are so selfish. I don’t understand how they can be so insensitive. That’s not how they were raised. They say you get what you give, but I know that I did a good job as a mother. If they only knew how this kind of pain never really heals. I do pray that they wake up some day and understand that a good family life doesn’t come easy. Not everyone gets that opportunity. Being a mom was the best job I ever had, but Ido think I would have done a few things a bit differently. I blame myself for not teaching them better.
Linda,
Thought for a moment I was reading my own post. Everything you have said here is truly the same with my son other than the breast cancer.
Well, the part about her trying to make us fall in love with her too,,as I knew well into their courtship she was nothing but a spoiled lazy brat who would order him around like a servant. They finally broke it off and we were so relieved!! Well, next thing I know he is back here talking to us about getting back together with her. We told him that if he wanted to live like that his entire life being ruled and his manhood taken from him then it was his choice..He did just that and ended up marrying her.
What a disaster it has been,,,she is nothing but a spoiled brat who wants nothing more than to keep him from our house and has convinced him that her parents said as she said his younger brother was the favorite in our family which is not true. We had a great family life until she came around and our other son and his wife are wonderful and thoughtful to us and want to spend time with us. Now they have a child and he is 2.
I can count on both hands how many times they have been to our home with that child…It just makes my stomach sick at times but nothing I can do. My son told me that she is intimidated by me..Well that is her fault not mine. I have done everything but bend over backwards to keep the peace but she will do everything she can to stir up the pot!! She is intimidated cause she told me one night while they were going together that her relationship with my son was none of my business. I shook my finger at her and said “Don’t you EVER speak to me in that manner in my house again” She stomped out the door starting swearing and cussing in my driveway and I had to tell my son to tell her to stop it that we had neighbors and it was late!! She ended up calling her parents to come and get her. That was the first red flag! Best part? My son went to seminary to be a music pastor. After meeting her he did a 180. So that is what we live with. Now he has an attitude toward us..It’s awful!!
You need to respect your son’s marriage. Why are you interfering in his relationship? Would you like someone constantly criticising your relationship? I feel sorry for your daughter in law. You sound really mean spirited and controlling. Do you see that in yourself?
My daughter, 30, has shut me out for the past 5 months. She said that I should not take it personally, she knows it is in her own head, but that she thinks I didn’t raise her well so I don’t deserve to be in her life. It’s one of the situations where she had everything given to her and much love. I am tortured like all of you and finally am trying the approach of being civil but distancing myself and no longer trying to get her to communicate.
The one thing I see missing from most of these posts is hope.
Perhaps it will help someone if I tell you about my mother. I was adopted by a pretty dysfunction family, told I was never good enough, etc. Even to this day when I visit my mom she wants my hair a certain way and has purchased “appropriate clothes” for my visit. I am mid 60′s. The GOOD news is that I hated this woman. hated hated hated, but over the years have com to see how powerless she really is and how good she wants to be. I finally love her and do whatever I can for her, call her several times a week. I am simply grateful that she lived long enough for us to open our hearts to each other and become dear friends. Never give up, but meanwhile protect your heart. That’s what I am going to try to do with my daughter.
Seriously??!! It’s not about the daughter-in-law. It’s about the son and his mother and father. How did she interfere in their relationship? She stuck up for herself and refused to be talked to like that in her own house. Good for her! The daughter-in-law is the one that seems controlling and mean-spirited, not the other way around. This is about her, which is probably why she is controlling the situation, to try to make it about her.
Wrong again. She was obviously leaving out her part of the conversation regarding a relationship that really is not her’s to be involved in. Sheesh…I see why your kids don’t talk to you. If you act like a jerk to people they will back away from you. It is not your place to butt into an adult child’s relationship with his spouse. You can say your piece, but you need to expect some consequences for the bad behavior. It’s pretty disgusting how so many parents on here are more interested in enabling each other than actually fixing the relationships with their children.
WJS – You speak of labeling and how wrong that is, yet you continue to do just that in your replies. You judge by saying things like “Bad Behavior” – you may not agree with it, and perhaps it really isn’t nice but BAD BEHAVIOR? Please, hold your judgements to yourself. Are you here to let off some of your own anger or here to offer some useful suggestions? If you really would like to offer some useful suggestions holding back the anger and judgement would be a start. You are NOT helping and when you are not called on YOUR remarks we have been ENABLNG you to contiue with your BAD BEHAVIOR.
Ugh, listen to yourself. Leave and cleave, mommy. Your son is simply giving himself to his imediate family. You are now the extended family. His marriage is none of your business. His wife is supposed to be # 1 and you should encourage that. Good luck with your pride.
While looking back I can remember the emotional games that were played especially by my son and it’s very clear that my childrens intent is cruel and malicious.
The son stopped talking to me right after he married and the daughter stopped taling to me once she found out she was going to be an aunt. The two of them didnt speak for years themselves.
So, does one let these children back in our lives to only have this happen again? Do you then walk around on eggshells holding your tongue and your breath?
I miss who I thought they were or would be… not who they’ve become. Not letting the idea of what should be cloud the ugly reality of what is, has been my biggest obsticle. At this point I’m really not sure I want them back in my life.
I once read that when dealing with personal problems you should try to look at the situation like a science experiment as it removes the emotions and pain from your problem.
I’m not sure I have it in me to forgive and love someone who is enjoying bringing me pain. Call it survival.
Hi there,
I just read your email and I could have written your exact words. I am currently going through a similar situation. I don’t normally like to respond on line to other people to share my feelings. However, it would be great if you could contact me via email and then I would love to tell you my story.
I am a mom 64yrs old, my son is 38.
Hello!
I just read your post and would love to communicate with you via e-mail. I am a 60 year old mother who has not communicated with daughter/grandson for 4 years.
Hope to hear from you.
Sorry, my e-mail address is spiritdancer@chaffee.net
Me too. These open forums scare me. My email is elbowwings@gmail.com. I am in a similar place too.
Dear Laura, you speak from my heart.
It is particularly true that we have to let go of this brightly painted, hoped-for picture of the children we wished or wish for and instead look with open eyes, with clarity and wisdom, at the ugly truth.
It’s the only way to move on, I believe.
We need to be proactive. MAKE the moves.
Often I think the attachment to our children is too much, too overwhelming. Particularly after reading so many of these posts, on this site and others, I find this confirmed, also after talking and trying to support fellow abused parents. Some true horror stories.
And yet – still we hope, still we try, still we bear abuse, still we cannot let go. “Hope dies last” – we hang on to it like drowning women.
In many cases we also define ourselves, our worth, by how the “kids” – who are no longer kids – turn out or how they treat us. How proud mothers can be at their children’s successes! How despondend are they when the children “fail” or turn out “bad”.
It has often been mentioned in threads like this that we DO have to look at the behaviour and respect of our children as if they were adult friends or other relatives. Most of us would stand that kind of atrocious behaviour from no-one! We would choose to remove ourselves from the situation.
Issues like loneliness and need also play a big role, particularly for older folks. Support, company, love and meaning can and need to be sought elsewhere, as the children do not offer any.
I am working very hard on myself to let go.
My own mind is what I need to take care of.
I work with meditation, wise reflection, positive affirmations and mindfulness. I acknowledge my feelings as clearly and honestly as possible. But I try not to identify with them. I know that everything is impermanent and that we do have the power and the wisdom to change our lives, if we train our minds in the right way, in a wholesome, healthy, wise way.
My heart reaches out to all of you. I have cried many tears over these stories. Broken hearts just like mine.
Life is full of suffering. That is a fact.
Over and over again we practice to face Life bravely, with courage and confidence in ourselves, with faith and trust in ourselves and the process.
Much Love to all of you.
That is just what I needed to hear. Some days are better than others, but I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life that help to offset the bad things. Thanks so much for your words.
Wow, I agree with your thoughts completely ! I am in the same situation and hate is thrown my way. I didn’t even know they were so angry until they just didn’t show up for invites. Pure hate was sent my way and they enjoyed it ! They even used it towards my children. How or why would you ever allow and ever trust thesepeople into your world again. You don’t feel the same way about them as you used too. How you feel is not even good. Finally someone has the same feelings as I do and I miss the people I thought I knew before not the people they have become.
I am also losing my only daughter and granddaughter. My daughter moved 3000 miles away from friends and family. She had a few friends in her new location and a well paying job that she could take with her anywhere. She had told me from the beginning that she wanted me to move with her and she wouldn’t have moved there if I hadn’t promised to follow her. She met an Asian man (she’s white) dated for 3 yrs and got married, not close to my home but his so his family didn’t have to travel. I’m a single mother with a large family who helped me raise her. I also had a very well paying job, was 50 yrs old, good pension and my own townhouse. Many members of my family attended the wedding, including my mother who was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer, had a hysterectomy, took a week off to recuperate so she could go home for chemo. My significant other found a job in the new location, so I put my home up for sale and it sold in a week. I wasn’t ready for that and all the other things were overwhelming. We moved our belongings, I came back to my job for a few months, bought a home in 2006 and moved without a job and in total daze. The wedding was good, moved into our house, finally found a job for a lot less money. I considered the less money would be worth being close to my child and grandchildren. My mother began visiting for the winter (she lived 45 months after her diagnosis). My daughter became pregnant and he filed for divorce within 2 yrs of getting married. She was devastated financially and emotionally. He was a verbal abuser and was treating her like a member of his culture, not as an American. My family grew up with an alcoholic father, siblings, co-dependents and enablers. I don’t suffer from the alcoholism, but the affects of my childhood has repercussions. My daughter was not without fault in this divorce, she was corresponding with an old boyfriend instead of working on her marriage. By the time she told her ex, he told his family and she was voted out. My daughter got her own apartment, went to work, had to give him 50% custody. He is a good Dad as far as we can tell. When she didn’t work, she laid in bed crying, drinking and being a slob. I continually asked her to move in with me and my boyfriend until she could get back on her feet, as she couldn’t pay her bills. All the credit was in her name and she was constantly in court. She has paid $70k in lawyers fees and still did not get a final decree. The stress of having her and her child ( not so much the little one) in our house resulted in my significant other moving out. My daughter told me she would pay xx amount of $$ for rent and also pay for babysitting. I barely make enough to pay 1/2 the expenses and have been running on credit card debt. I trying to modify the mortgage, but things are not so easy. Anyhow, my daughter is planning trips hiking to the Grand Canyon, hiking in the rain forest of Hawaii, returning to visit cousins all while she is drowning in debt and still owes me about $20k. We’ve had blow ups over each of these incidents. I took a trip for a week, came home and she had a new boyfriend for me to meet. Dropped like a bucket of ice water; he’s 8 yrs younger, high school graduate, mixed of two other races, and she REALLY likes him. Met him in a bar 6 wks prior and already had her 4 yr old over to his house to visit. Her ex is trying to get more custody and it may be possible in our state. He also has a 3 yr old child, who the mother removed from the state and changed his name. The new boyfriend changed his name, said he had a uncle with the same name, convicted of child molestion and was using him a the bait to lure the young girl. After catching my breathe, I asked her to take it slow, go out on dates and get to know him. She tells me she already knows everything about him from talking to him for 3 weeks on the phones. She has also screened as being safe around her daughter?? I don’t know what method she is using. We had a big fight last week, because he came over, walked into my garage like he owned the place when he knew she wasn’t home. She was expected home shortly. I had asked her more than once; was he sleeping at my house when I was gone? She lied each time. She’s 33 and can sleep with whoever she wants but she slept with him in my bed and I’ve lost my mind over it. I feel violated, my only privacy in my house is my bedroom. I keep my office in there now and any financials. She didn’t even try to clean up evidence of it.
I yelled at her in another room, told her I didn’t approve of this behavior with her child and even living with me as we are not roommates. I felt it is a respect issue; we are 2 women and a young child living alone. Now, this man ( he may be ok) has any and all information he needs. Needless to say, she is now spending all her free time with him and starting to cut me out of her life. She is blaming me for addl lawyers fees, saying she didn’t want me to move with her, that I did nothing to help get her through school; that was her own doing and I only gave her money occassionally ( I never claimed I was the one who “made” her finish school). I am also to blame for her moving into my house, emptying her storage locker, as she didn’t want to do this. I have spent a lot of money on her, besides the $20 and told her I didn’t want any of that back just pay off the loans.
I’m sorry for this terribly long story, my good friends and family have had to listen it also. She also unfriended my on Facebook, as I asked her if she was so positive this boyfriend is a serious relationship, why has she told any of her cousins or friends?
I have done nothing to help this come to a good resolution. I have been the whipping post for the past 4 years and at her beck and call. She’s been sleepwalking, losing her debit card so she wakes me at 4:30 in the morning and at times I just don’t want to continue on. I can’t return to my old home, as I’m too old to get another job in my field there and I’m losing my house here which is upside down. I really feel that I’ve only had 5 yrs break when she went to school, in the past 33 years, from all this drama. I’m really done with this behavior and she’s telling me I need to see a counsellor to deal with my issues as her new boyfriend is helping with hers.
I hate to lose my granddaughter also, but I might have to break the ties with her mother in order to salvage my mental health. I’m packing, looking for a rental in a 55+community, where I wanted to be and will see what happens. I have stayed on friendly terms with her ex, being pleasant when I see him, and he knows how much the baby loves me. I’ve babysat her since she was 3 wks old. So if push comes to shove, I’m going to jump ship; not yet only if I have to do it. My heart breaks for all parents and for my own parents, as I can only imagine the pain they went through having 7 children and many issues.
Thank you for listening to my long drawn out story.
I know from simuar experience with a niece the hardest thing to do is to loose that baby for both you and that baby. Just let the house go ( I lost mine over the modification plan that was never really out to help people) short sell it or exchange title for few bucks and go somewhere where she cannot invade your life like the 55 and over place. I miss my great niece so much sometimes I feel like Im going to die from broken heart. She was 2.5 when she left with her mother and I have not heard from either one in over a year. I did everything I could for my niece babysat many many many hours weekends overnights and loved every min of it, moved them physically several times (even though I told her not good to keep moving a child from place to place. I believe and I could be wrong that she gavet he child to the father and is ashamed to tell her family therefore she just left. I want the baby back in my life because she needs her family that she loved so much and who loved her so much but I cant find them and any emails go unanswered (except one where she told me I was controlling and selfish) I can tell you I was not selfish (I always put myself last) and I was being controlled cause I loved them both.
I believe you need to let her go and be with mr. wonderful and guess what she will learn on her own he is not worth it. No one is worth cutting the people who love you unconditionally from your life. She will come around but make it on your terms. Its narcisstic and I believe it is running through the veins of many young 20-35 yr olds like a devil searching for prey. Good luck I really mean that.
My parents were shockingly abusive, immature, malicious, violent, egotistical, controlling, refuse to take responsibility. I was their best friend, confidante, protector, PSW, therapist, referee and health advocate throughout my childhood and twenties… what an idiot I am. They live in an isolated dream world, leaching my Grandparents money by the thousands. I cut them both off just over three months ago because I was starting to crumble under the pressure after many years of being the “magical” child who had endless energy for them.
So how do you set a good example or influence and start a new relationship with parents like this? I cannot bring myself to be in an informal setting with them… their lack of mental hygiene, discipline, moral standards is very toxic for me to be around. They act negative and then feed on me like parasites.
I have considered offering to meet them in a church of the denomination of their choice, in their town for Sunday services. We could sit together, see the sermon, maybe have tea after and connect with people in the community then go our separate ways.. hopefully with something to grow on for the week?
From your posts above, I think that well meaning, healthy parents would jump at this chance to be in a beautiful, positive place with their responsible, successful, kind daughter, religion aside. But I can almost guarantee that my parents would never do this. They have always rejected community and my mom especially is ashamed to be seen in public, her self esteem is very low. I am not worth it to them to face their demons.
I am TIRED of trying to build them up and help them heal. I am SO afraid to extend even this branch to them, because they would surely reject the offer – instead accuse me of joining cults, being a lesbian, trying to make them feel guilty for not going to church, whatever they could think of. They would try to push and guilt into other things and I can’t reopen those wounds. They lack boundaries and respect… even SHAME is an energy that feeds them somehow.
I refuse to be part of the culture of negativity.
Don’t hold your breath waiting for this guy to reply. Any time he receives a comment from an estranged adult child he ignores it. If he does reply he’ll probably tell you to buy his book. He is in the works on a documentary of the subject and on the surface it appears he’s putting estranged adult children on the hot seat. Unfortunately the estranged adult children who’ve seperated themselves from a toxic situation must suffer in silence while Dr. Coleman and his band of crying parents go on their happy way making their self-serving documentary.
hey- – I have an immediate opening for an older daughter – would you like to apply ?? I would love to meet you at a church ??? I was a great mom. I did everything for my daughter. I am even “into ” positive thinking !!
wow – a match made in heaven!! So are you 35- or 36- I am looking for a direct replacement age wise – if possible… and are you in the midwest?? I DO have a younger nicer daughter who loves the crap out of me — so if you insist on being a “pooper” don’t bother to apply. We will love the socks off of you IF accepted. !!
I would like to respond to Lyn’s comment about her parents. I am someone who has the same problem with my parents as your well articulated comments state. It is interesting to me how well you actually articulated exactly what my situation is. And, ironically, I also have some difficulties with my two youngest adult children myself, however in this generation, the adult kids want to be the ‘controllers’.
Your suggestion on offering the ‘branch’ as to meeting them for church sounds grand. That would be asking them to meet on your terms and a good 1st start to better relations. For parents who still are very controlling even though they do ot still provide for the children’s welfare, it leaves a child little room to respectfully communicate when having to constantly reinforce boundaries* Thank you Lyn, for sharing your comments!!!
Hi,
I also have been disowned by my son and his wife, until recently, I thought everything was alright. He then unloaded on me and said that because I didn’t leave a previous abusive marriage at first, that I ruined his life. I had no where to go and was very very young, my mom couldn’t take me in, because my dad had heart issues at the time (he was older than my mom) Now, they won’t even talk to my mom which is his biological grandmother. I don’t understand at all. They in fact won’t have anything to do with anyone in my family. Who are basically good people. They are supposed to be Christians, as my husband and I are, and believe in forgiveness in all things. I did nothing wrong to him, and protected him and was always there for him. His wife made it known to me that she didn’t like me, and would humiliate me in front of her family, hence they at family gatherings would hardly speak to me or my new husband (who has nothing to do with this nightmare) We sent the grandkids presents, and cards, but no reply, my mother
sent them presents (she does every year) and not even a thank you. Mind you, they live only 20 minutes from her and never even visit. I am about fed up, we
are getting ready to write our wills and if this is the way it is, they will be left out until such a time that they ask for forgivenness. Again, he and I went to counseling years ago, while the abuse was going on, that marriage ended in a divorce. This was before there were alot of domestic violence shelters, I have talked until I’m exhausted but they won’t listen, not only that, now I heard there is slander going on. Help.
honey- leave them out of the will. I am so sorry for you. move out of state if you can. start a new life. forget them- you are too good for them and they are not worth it- and they are NOT Christians to behave like that–
yep and leave them out of the will- give your money to an animal shelter or a museum etc. those places will appreciate your estate.
good luck.
Do you people hear yourselves? You all suck…
WJS – Again with the anger… do you hear yourself?
Dear Dr. Coleman,
I divorced after 22 years of marriage. My ex was an attorney and the divorce was devastating emotionally and financially. I had never worked and because of the court orders barring me from the home and taking my car I was strpped of all my dignity. I had to take a job in another state to survive. My parents and children felt I abandoned them. That was 21 years ago. My parents swiftly disowned me and took charge of my children befriending my ex spouse and his new wife. No one cared about my side of the story. To them, I had no side. I have grown grandchildren I have never seen. I have sent gifts and letter when I knew where and how to contact them. I get a holiday card each year with the photos of the grandchildren. That is all. I have tried to recouncil to no avail. The answer is “I am angry” but they won’t discuss why. My mother is a very competative woman who was always very intrusive in my life. She cut out my ex husband’s family when we were getting married, fighting with his twin sisters, leaving a rift and has done that between me and my children. She has to have total control. My children were in need of her and she used it against me. Now my twins are 41 and the youngest is 38. The last they needed me was to pay for weddings. I sold my last worldly possessions to do that and never heard from my youngest again. She has 3 kids and lives in another state. One of the twins lives in another state as well. I saw her first child for a few years, but, she became depressed and suicidal trying to have the second. For some reason she confided in me that her marriage was affected and I told her to get into counseling and talk with a lawyer. Since then she and her husband blamed me for tyring to break up her marriage. I have not seen the second child nor do I have contact with the first. My third daughter is childless and lives within 20 miles of me with her husband. Her relationship with me has a cycle reminiscent of domestic violence. She needed surgery 2 years ago. Her husband and I were there in shifts. Since then she would not talk to me at my father’s funeral. I am sure it was so she would not be seen talking to me. NOW I am finally angry. I am tired of hearing how bad I am no matter what I do or say. I am tired groveling. Yes, I am lonely at times. However, when I am, I remember that trying to love them HURTS. I no longer trust their intentions nor their motivations. I have grown and am not the person they remember. They have not grown. Where there is no mutuality there is no relationship. Let me add, I am a social worker with a masters degree. When I started my education (the first female in my family to do so) my children were young. My parents told me that I would destroy my family if I went to college. Apparently individual growth- development was not a value. Under my parents tutelage my daughters remain dependent and angry supported by controlling men. History repeats itself. There is no use in talking when you are talking to a lampshade.
I am an adult only child who has “divorced” my Father. I have read all of the columns written here and wish to express condolence to each of you as you sound as if you are all decent, caring parents. My reason for writing here is to give you a look at this from a paradoxel manner, from a adult child who has made the decision to be estranged from his parent. I lived with my Father from the time I was 12-18, my parents divorced when I was 7, I was a good kid, no drugs, didn’t get into trouble….I was to scared to as I always worried about what others would think of me, not so much my Father but what others would think of me. My Father was mostly absent during the time I “resided” with him, he worked many hours (Bar/Rest business) and “played” many more hours and it seems I was always second choice over his work and women. He never really scolded me for anything, didn’t have a reason to, as he was so wrapped up in his life being him, he was never physically abusive, was never mean to me…he just wasn’t there….I adored my Father though, he was my hero, the most important person to me in the world…MY IDOL! and he was for many, many years but after much time and much dissapointment (broken promises) something just snapped and that was it…I’m done!, I guess I was pushed to far and just don’t care anymore, I’m done, done being hurt and while I feel sad/bad about my decision and do hurt as well I feel I had to do this for me. I know I am harboring most of these feelings mostly out of resentment of the past but I know the sorrow, the hurt and the broken promises will only persist if I allow them to by having a relationship with my Father, ie; showing up 2-3 hours late, rarely calling or wanting to see me (I live 22 miles from him and 1 of his businesses is in the small town I live) so now I just go on with my life now knowing I will never be hurt again. This is my story and I am not saying all of you deserve how you are being treated by your children but my Father has no idea why I won’t talk to him anymore either.
Dear “Does Not Matter.” It does matter. You have been hurt by your father and feel he doesn’t care enough about you. Perhaps that’s true, but remember there are two sides to every story. Just like every child thinks their parents love their sibling more, we all have a one-sided perspective. We can’t really place ourselves inside another person’s head and know their motivations or what they truly feel. Suppose your father really does care about you and is hurt by your estrangement. Does it make you a better person to hurt someone else? I’m not asking you to take abuse, but for all of us parents who would give the world to hear from our child, please stay in minimal contact and be the stronger man.
I agree with Tylenol 54 being on the side of the hurt person I can say two wrongs dont make it right. My niece hurt me terribly by bringing her baby to me to care for for a year allowing us to fal in love with the baby and her with us, then without warning took her away and never looked back. I was good enough to use as child care but as soon as her husband returned from deployment she could use him. She was leaving him (waited until he left, packed her bags and left to be with her famliy so she claimed) I later found out it was just to have help at her beck and call with the baby.
Keep it casual and dont expect alot but its clear you you are still hurting. I have raised two wonderful sons with my husband (we started when we were 16 and 18) we made commitments to raise them together and in the mist of it we really did fall in love with each other. So we are going on 30 years now. But I know we made some mistakes raising our kids but while is the most important thing you can ever do – you dont get directions. When my 1st son was born I said did he come with instructions? We are just trying to survive a hard world while at the same time raising our kids. Yes some parents make bigger mistakes then others (mine did) but who am I to stand on a mountain pointing my finger in their face telling them what they did wrong when they too were just trying to make it in this big old world. Never hurt good people even if they hurt you. Hope that makes sense.
That’s very sad that you feel that way about your dad/
Remember, you will never have another (biologically speaking)
and I’m sure he loves you and did the best that he could at that time
in your lives.
No physical abuse and not really emotional, I would suggest for your
sake you try to reach out to him, because…when something does happen
to him(death, or illness) you may be sorry you didn’t reach out to him at that time. I have seen this happen over and over. Children/parents estranged from each other and then something happens, and one or the other wish they could take back all of the words ect.
God Bless You on your journey
I have a daughterthat is now 27 and has been estranged for the last 5 years. We were close, I thought, until she met and left town with a man her age those 5 years ago. I have seen her once and only met him once since that time. There was no clue as to the impending cut off. I would never have conceived that she would do this to me or to think that this kind of behaior would ever be acceptable. There was no reason given for the estrangement and I don’t even know her address. I try to text her by her phone number every few weeks to just keep in touch and to keep the door open, but I am losing hope. She is my only child and I am divorced.
I will never give up on her, but am also realistic that my own life must go on from this point.
What are some of you doing to “get by” in this extreme situation?
I have a 30 yr old son who married a year ago, once he married his wife said I was not a very good mother and she wanted him to have nothing to do with me. He has become a father as of a month a go and I have not seen or even got called to say his daughter was born. He is my only child also. I hve try to call and leave messages on his cell phone just to not get replies. His wife wrote me a message telling me to give up that they have written me out of their lives. I have not given up hope, some day he will talk to me, but in the mean time I do crafts, knit, quilt, sew and do alot of volunteering. I work full time and am a nurse; so I get plenty of people time but its not the same as your own child. There is a saying and I do beleive in it “everything will come around in time; the full circle” I am going on with my life; just praying he is healthy and hope he knows how much I love him…hang in there we are not the only parents going thru this …God Bless.
Dear Gail,
You are SO NOT ALONE! I am honestly afraid to start talking about the horror of my non-relationship to my 37 year old son since he married a couple years ago. Like you, they pointedly did not even call me when their child was born. Trying to love him/them hurts so long, deep, and hard I could literally scream. No matter what, I end up hearing how bad I am. I’m so angry … afraid to be honest and annihilate the contact; worn out emotionally from trying to be a peacemaker (which doesn’t seem to accomplish anything but more abuse); afraid to hope when things go marginally well for a short time before they explode again in accusations and recriminations.
I wish I could offer you something, but I have nothing except the thought that it sure ain’t all your fault and you are not alone.
I am about in the same situation as you, my son’s wife called me
everything but…trash. which I’m not, we just moved into a different
area, and I am looking for work, and going to start doing arts and crafts, and maybe next Christmas adopt a family that wants to be
around people who really do have love and care in their hearts.
Thank You
I too am a mother of an estranged 24 year old son.We had a good relationsip until about 2 years ago when he became involved with a young woman. He is in a very unhealthy relationship.She has no friends and does nt allow him to have friends or have any thing to do with my family.His father and I are divorced.I can not even send him a friendly e mail, she reads them and deletes them, I suspect.I try to leave something by his door step on Valentines,Easter,Birthday and Christmas, so if he does decide to speak to me it wont be so awkward!? I love him very much.I worry about him.His health is not good.I love him so much, and I hurt so much, especially Holidays.For now I pray every day for him.Maybe some day…..
My daughter is in her 30′s, beautiful talented and wonderful. She is so hard on herself. I help her as much as I can but worry about how self destructive especially in her relationships with men. She is modeling after me, I fear, as I had an affair that lasted a long time during my marriage. I loved my children but somehow felt entitled to this affair they were still in high school. Sure there was trouble in my marriage; instead of fixing that I acted on impulse, wanted to feel good, and started seeing my boss as much as I could and neglecting my family. I have no excuses…. I felt and still
feel intense guilt and remorse and have worked to build my relationships with my son and daughter after a horrible end to my marriage.
Needless to say, my relationship with them has been very rocky and now I have a granddaughter from my son and his partner, I barely see….. mostly because of miles but I know he does not care much for me… I barely hear from him maybe a few times a year. He too has and ivy league education is wonderful and talented and now drinks way too much…. He is unemployed and cannot find a job.
My daughter has a male partner ( a musician with a part time job), who she supports and owns a house with, they cannot afford. She has little money herself and has she too has an ivy league education. I give her money and my car when she needs it and have little myself. She professes to love him but runs off each weekend 300 miles away to another man, also unemployed. I give her my car a lot so her boyfriend can have hers and I go without. Her boyfriend is devastated but does not move out, begs her to stay and fights with her a lot. She has a chronic condition, and is ruining her health…. I am at a loss to know what to do.
She loves me but I know she has never forgiven me. Her father has always been the one both of them want to see and now I am wondering should I contact him to talk with him about this and see how to help our child? How can I support my adult children and help them through such troubles?? I am living with a male partner (poor modeling)who is also not helping me financially is distant emotionally unless I draw him in constantly but who helps me with the upkeep of the house and in other ways too. I sound like a mess, but I have a job, I like very much and a nice place to live. I do not have a lot of friends but people really like me…. I recently found that I have a fairly significant learning disability and wonder how much that has hurt me through my life, in spite of my success in my work. Maybe that is why I have little friendships….How can I help my kids and me too????
My daughter has left home and refuses to answer texts, calls or e-mails – my husband/her father died last year and she hasn’t coped with it at all – it has made her angry and that anger is directed at me. She has contact with a family friend – what do I do about her birthday and Christmas presents? Do I send gifts with the friend or just ignore her?
I full understand your pain. My 24 year old son withdrew completely from my life, after his brother/my son was killed. It is devestating when a family member lashes their pain out at us. That son maintained contact with my ex husband & his surviving brother … but has ignored me for 3 years. Cruel & evil is how I describe it.
I dont get it. My niece done this to my sister and now to everyone. My sister was a single parent to my neice and yea she screwed up somethings but always loved her daughter. Her daughter plotted at 15 to move in with her father and she has not been right since. She got married at 20 moved to another state and treated her moms side of the family like we had a disease. The only person she had contact with was my son, her cousin with whom was like a brother to her. 5 yrs into her marriage she got preg with a little angel, a year later her husband went on deployment
she was not talking to me at the time because I told her to stop the hurt she would do to my sister, she didnt like what I had to say, she had a lot of people believing her mom was a monster. My son her cousin believed it as well (not anymore). Well even though she was not talking to me when her husband went on deployment, guess what she needed my help with her baby. She couldn’t do it alone. She decided she didnt want to be married anymore rented the family house and moved to state to be with her “family”, so she said (more like to use her family). She moved here and her mother and I (her mom lived with me) became her fulltime plus nanny. I can tell you we loved that baby so much and she loved us. She always wanted to be with us and her mom was always willing to bring her to us (she needed a break, like all the time) I would have denied her in effort to make her spend time with her baby but she would have dumped her on someone the baby didnt know or god knows who. She still didnt talk to her mom she come in my house and completly humiliate her mother or ignor her. 9 months later she took her daughter and moved 2000 miles away with no contact, chgd phone number , blocked us from all emails and facebook. I feel like I lost a baby that was bonded with me through no fault of her own. Now all I want is to be sure the baby is OK and her mom also. I want the baby to know we love her and didnt abondon her. Poor baby I know she wonders what happened to her family she bonded with and who loved her soooooooo much. Poof she gone. She sent us a test that she was moving to CA after she took her baby to visit with her father. I tried to go thru the dad but he is just as happy to have us out of there lives as she is. How can you do this to your child. She dont talk to my son anymore, heck at one point we were called police how do we know they are ok? Police said cant touch is as she said in a tesxt she was leaving. Im sure she is ok and I think I found where she works. I’d go to CA to see the baby in hot min (once I gathered air fare) but they shuffel the child between mom in ca and dad in maine, I never know where she is going to be or for how long, nor do I have exact address. I pleaded with her after setting up new email addresses countless time to avoid being blocked and get her to respond. I got nothing except “leave me alone”. I asked the same question of myself
what do we do when baby birthday comes around christmas? I know she will just toss anything I send in trash and evenso were to do I send it.
I came up with savings bond I will hold them until the child is old enough so she knows we thought of her everyday of our lives. She wont remember us she was only 2 when she left and gosh that breaks my heart. I started a journal for her with the memories we made together and that along with the bonds will be given to her when she is 18 or if we are lucky enough to be needed again when she is older. Hang in there these adult kids are narcissistic (sp?) have no idea how they hurt us and if they do they are enjoying themselves. Read up on narcisstic see if your child does not fit the bill.
Good luck and hang in together.
let her go- it is hard- I tried the message and gift route a long time. It didn’t work
Moving did. after 6 years I am doing ok.. and moving helped a bunch. I have declared my daughter as “Dead”… I have 1 child who still loves me and I am adopting rescue dogs . They are really appreciative.
Good luck and I am praying for you and pulling for you !!
Screw you and your rescue dogs. Can’t believe you people and your self-righteous bulls**t.
Screw you back! I just bet you are perfect in your own mind.
WJS – you are a very bitter person. No matter what any parent on this site says – you put them down…we aren’t all “your” parents and I’m sad for whatever it is you went through – but please allow others to have a point of view that isn’t the same as yours.
Hahahahaha! People, I do believe WJS is either a total fraud or a child… if you review the remarks it becomes clear. If we ignore the person, perhaps they will go play somewhere else.
buy her bonds for holiday gifts, keep them with you, when she does come around she will know you still cared for her even through this tough time.
My adult daughter has apparently decided that anything that wasn’t perfect in her life was all my fault. I always supported her in anything she wanted to do, took her side when she said boyfriends didn’t understand her need for her own space or why she didn’t always want to talk to them a lot of the time. Her friends are everything to her and I am nothing. Since she became an adult, she hasn’t had any interest in anything I do, can hardly be bothered to listen to or talk to me, never passes on any of my activities to her partner, who is very close to his parents and a lovely man. When she visits with her child and partner, my usually allotted visit is around three hours before boredom sets in and she makes an excuse to leave. His parents can meet up on holiday with them but I would never be invited to do the same. Infact I can just imagine her horrer if I suggested it but she made sure that I knew about the holiday…it’s as if she wants to provoke me into having nothing to do with her. Birthday cards I send her partner mysteriously don’t arrive…only hers does and he isn’t told that I’ve sent him one..making me look as if I don’t have any interest in him. I’ved been to her house approximately three times in total. I am not allowed to babysit, despite offering several times and her partner suggesting it as well. My friends and relatives agree that I’ve raised one very selfish, self centred daughter but I still love her and keep hoping that she will suddenly have a change of heart and I’ll become more important in her life. Unfortunately, I’m now convinced that this isnt going to happen and I’m on the point of giving up as I find her treatment of me insulting. It’s funny how over the years, she has always been able to find the time to contact me when birthdays, Christmas etc are looming. I think the only reason she stays in touch is as she thinks any money I might have if I died would go to her. It is all very upsetting and depressing and I feel for all the other mothers who have similar problems. I agree that it is a sign of the times and because we made the mistake of letting our children think they were the most important thing in life and other peoples feelings are unimportant.
I too have the same experience. It has hurt me in my life with my new relationships. Holidays hurt. Now she tells me I give too much to our grandson and doesn’t want me to see him much any more. This has been going on for 23 years. Sometimes I just start crying and I feel so sorry for myself. The last 3 years I have seen my daughter a few brief times. My daughter is a parapelegic. She had a car accident when she was 17. This has been an ongoing hate/love relationship with her since then. It is tragic for all of us. Life goes on and she is stuck at 17 when it comes to me.
I know exactly how you feel – my daughter has just left home, aged 23, to move in with her boyfriend. I have no address for her and she ignores any texts and phone calls. I only know she is alive as she does sometimes contact a family friend. I have no idea why she is doing this – it came completely out of the blue.
I was pregnant at age 17 …lost my virginity to my boyfriend of only 6 months…he offered to pay for abortion….I said no… parents sent me to a home for unwed mothers….exboyfriend saw my son when he was 3 months old…denied being his father and moved away. So, I raised him with my abusive parents until I married. It was devastating for me and changed my life forever. I did the best I could, stumbling through relationships in fear of being abandoned. Still today.
My son is 33 now. He is the most loving, gentle, kind natured, hard working man I have ever known. I told him the little I knew about his father when he was 16. He told me it was not important to him, he was just happy that I chose to give him life. He never questioned me about it again until 3 years ago. He cheated on his wife with a woman 5 years older, with 3 children and a bipolar condition. He married her after only 3 months of dating, while he was married to his ex.
My son’s divorce was by trial. His girlfriend (now wife) came to his hearing and sat with our family just to spite his ex. Needless to say my son lost everything. Now that I’ve established her character….she and my sister,neice decided they . wanted to find my son’s father. They did…I found out about it on Facebook…the reunion pictures. Since then, my new daughter in law has accused me of robbing my son of knowing his father for 33 years. She has welcomed his father with open arms, the man who abandoned me and did not want my son. Now, my son has abandoned me. Orders from her.
I did not keep my son from knowing his father. I was too busy trying to grow my children’s relationships with each other. Back in the day, we did not have Facebook, only a phone book. I tried a couple of times, with no luck. I thought, what’s important is making sure he grows up to be a confident, well rounded, understanding, loving man. Where did I go wrong?
Where do these people (adult kids) get off picking apart how we did our very best to raise them. Its not a movie, a play, or a song, nor is it a perfect world. Mistakes are what we make when we are working, working on raising a family, working a job whatever, if we dont make mistakes we are not working. Unless your family is abusive, to cut off your parents is to not honor thy mother and thy father and they will have to pay the price. I dont have children who disowned me but I have a niece who did to me and to her mom, and I see first hand how cruel it can be. My sister holds out hope while personally I’d like to give my niece the a$$ beaten she so badly needs. THESE ADULT CHILDREN WHO CUT OFF THEIR FAMILY ARE JUST SELFISH, LITTLE BRATS STUCK IN CHILDS BRAIN. They are teaching or will teach their kids its ok to hurt or treat your parents as such and then guess what “what comes around goes around” I dont wish it on them or anyone, but I am not in control of their lives only they are. Good luck and GOD Bless every hurt parent / and granparent out there cause if your didnt love your child you would not be hurt.
You are an idiot, and I am glad for your children that they don’t deal with someone who acts the way you demonstrate here.
WJS…..
why do you come here?
you seem so very angry.
none of the comments or stories seem to help you.
what are you looking for?
Yes, WJS, I was just wondering myself why you are on this blog. All these people, whether parents or adult children are in emotional pain and are looking for answers that, like myself, have not been able to find on their own. Reading these comments help me to see both sides of the picture, as I am a result of an unhappy childhood, and now estranged son of my own. If you have nothing positive or helpful to add, then move a long.
You just called someone an idiot… labeling, name calling, useless information, anger, lack of control… CHILD is my call. Isn’t 10:42pm past your bedtime?
Dear Dr.Joshua Coleman
My grown up daughter always lost patience during our conversation. Her conclusion brings much hurt and condemnation that make me feel “useless” each time. I gave up my good carrier and raised her up, gave her good education. Now i am useless to her in return.
I know the feeling!! I think we just have to decide that it is our daughter’s who are in the wrong and make our lives elsewhere and to not let them win by making us depressed.
My son became increasingly abusive after I came home from working out of the country. I was gone for 4 months as a trail run to see if he could manage the house. I came back to a mother’s nightmare. He brought a young woman from his jr high, high school days into the house as his girlfriend. This woman grew up in a very dsyfunctional family, with a boat load of problems, the more I talked to her, the more trouble I could see in the future. She was only in the house for a month before my son decided I was imposable to live with. Now it has gotten to the point that everything is my fault, this would be her third attempt in 6 months to get pregnant, although she has a history of alcohoism. When I talk to my son he is heartless and abusive, and it sounds like her words not his. My son had told her that it was his house, so this whole thing stems around them wanting the house, which they are in no way capable of taking care of. In the mean time, I am left out, and am the bad guy. Fortunatly I am going out of the country to work, but I gringe at the thought of those two raising children. Yes I do believe it is a change in attitude that parents are expendable. I could see these attitudes starting to develop when he turned 15, I thought it was imaturity and he would grow out of it but apparently not.
Sadly, I have observed that many parents simply don’t adequately evaluate how devestating divorce and/or maritial disharmony is to a child. In most cases children grow up and began to see the lives of their parents through the eyes of an adult. Once you put the two senerios together it can be difficult or impossible to see your parents in the same light. Conversely, when you see you parents successfully navigate from a difficlut marriage to a happy and peaceful one, you applaud them for doing the right thing and you can appreciate the sacrifice because of what you are working on in your own marriage. The culture of divorce in America is killing families one generation at a time. I wish parents would work harder for the future and not escape their commitment to feel better in the short term.
I am the adult daughter of an emotionally, verbally and occassionally physically abusive mother. My mother will not own up to anything. As a child and teenager, any of her actions/words were due to me…a child and teenager. I am now a parent. I have learned that a child is a child…I am the adult and I carry the resonsibility of being the adult. This means I am responsible for my own reactions for the normal behavior of children/teens. I have never called my daughters a whore or slut. I have never accused my daughters of making out with anyone simply because eating dinner with a friend has rubbed off all her lipstick. I have never accused my daughter who has never been kissed of taking a shower and saying, “You may wash it off your body but you’ll never wash it off your soul!” I believe my daughters when they really need me to. I have never clawed my daughters’ arms until the skin broke and bruised. I have never slapped my daughters while they are huddled and crying. I have never driven my children to chase their father down because I’m tired of taking care of them. I have never told my children they were only born to prove my husband’s manhood and that I wanted an abortion but since I didn’t have one I almost died to giving birth to her. I hope to God I never enter one of their homes when they are in their 30′s with their own children and start to verbally punch them for the sake of hurting them. And I also hope I’m never the kind of person that marries so many times my children aren’t sure how many times it is and leave one husband because he finds out he is dying and not wanting to deal with that. ???? I could go on…and on…and on…and on…I forgive, but I am not stupid. If I get hit by a car because I’m standing in the street, I think I won’t stand in the street anymore. Forgiving means to let go of the anger and hurt…it doesn’t mean to be stupid.
Good for you. Don’t open yourself up to more hurt just because someone thinks they have a biological right to be awful to you. I think these parents commenting on here need to seriously grow up. No wonder you are out of contact. Your commentary alone is hair raisingly awful!
I have 2 estranged sons, and it feels worse than a death! I have tried to contact them, but they don’t want to know. Even with a death you have somewhere to visit. I feel as if I have lost my world. I have found a really useful site called ‘daily strength’, and it is really supportive. Someone once said this is a ‘silent epidemic’, and I believe it is getting worse for many of us. I wish there was more help available.
Same w/me. 2 estranged sons. no reason why except for the divorce of their father & the fact that they work for & are supported by him & his family. It is a daily struggle being a mother without contact with my children.
Have you ever considered writing a heartfelt letter and in simple words tell your sons that you love them more than life; how your heart is breaking without them; explain the divorce comes from differences between two people that have nothing to do with them; ask them to be a part of your life and how much you miss them; wish them well and let them know you hope life is good for them. Ask them please not to forget you. If that doesn’t work, considering there are two sides to every story…change your life and surroundings and begin a new chapter. Leave a forwarding address for them in case they wise up, but turn the page. Give your broken heart and tears to God – write – garden – paint – create. Join a club or church and meet a couple of people. We all have but one life. If those we love don’t love us – what can we do but find someone without anyone to share our love and time with. Life is hard and weird at times. When sons marry, things change. Sometimes it’s okay, sometimes not, but do expect things to change and never be the same. Our generation was different. I loved my folks so much. They were strict and didn’t allow us to really ‘know’ them, but I loved them so much and miss them. I wasn’t perfect, but I was a very loving mother to my children. I did the best I knew how. Things are different now that they are married. My husband and I are thinking of moving to a different state. Not to get away from the kids, but to live the rest of our lives and maybe feel more independent. God bless us every one…
Dear Marissa
I know how you must feel, my only daughter of 33 years has kept her distance from me since her marriage. As a widowI had a tough time raising her alone in another country, never expected her to stab me in the back
now that I dont keep well and am older in age. Her husband’s hatred of me is the underlying problem, he wants her to forget her mother knowing we got along very well before he arrived. I liked him as well until he transformed with marriage. Wish there was more support out there.
My adult son and daughter grew up with my husband and my drinking and partying…My husband has always been verbally abusive to all of us….I am sober 20+ yrs. and have written amends to both of my kids… my husband still has a drink or two at night and still exhibits toxic behavior at times….
my adult kids are tired of the way he talks to them….he has started this behavior with the g-kids, also..
My daughter is divorced with 3 children and has decided to make changes and try to focus on she and her kids to make life better…..her ex (their dad is still around) and does not make things pleasant…..
She has asked us to stay out of her life for the time being until she can work on her family unit…she wants to protect them from people she feels will never change…she feels she is becoming verbally abusive herself, and does not want this generational thing to continue….it all came to a head at Christmas where I thought it would be fun for all of us to be together…..the whole thing was awful !!
My daughter was mean, spiteful and down right angry half of the time….she is angry with me because I have stayed with her dad…..and she feels I don’t stick up for her enough when he gets “perversely peevish.” (this is the best way for me to describe it……I take my kids sides, and then I try and listen to my husband’s side…..I am so torn as to what to do….
I feel I have lost my daughter in all of this….my son shows compassion and is more loving to me…..she is just plain hateful toward me and her dad….she says she needs time to work on things with her kids and does not like the person she has become….After saying the “Serenity Prayer” over and over, I think I am at the place where I can give her space….her silence and ignoring me really hurt….and I know why….my mother would do that with me when she got angry at me…..she would clam up and ignore me….that hurt so much and made me very, very angry….
I mentioned this to my daughter as to how it makes me feel…..I want to believe that she is doing it for a different reason, but I think it is a control thing…..funny how your own daughter can remind you of your mother
I was alcoholic for most of my daughter’s childhood, however quite functional unitl she reached high school and the alcoholism became more prominent. I have been sober since my daughter was 18 and have made a good life for myself. My daughter and I started to have “problems” when I became sober and it has been downhill from there. Six years ago we had a disagreement about her upcoming wedding, my husband (who is her stepfather) engaged in an argument with her fiance and then said things to her fiance that were threatening. She states that she has accepted her stepfather’s apology and that it was all my fault and will not forgive me. Since then we have tried to make amends, my husband has apologized, I have apologized, and we have tried to include them in our lives. She has refused to accept Christmas presents, refused invitations to our home, refused to talk to me on the phone, does not answer my emails, and did not invite us to her wedding. I’ve had to grieve a lost mother/daughter relationship and move on with my life although I still have bad days when all I do is cry. I really never expect her to come back into our lives. She has no problem being in her father and stepmother’s lives and they were physically and emotionally abusive to her. She has told people that she has “let go” of the way that they treated her as a child. Why is it that she can’t “let go” of my mistakes?
I have to say that reading these posts makes me angry. As angry as seeing my own daughter’s silent treatment of me, when I have done nothing but encouraged her and given her a good life.
Unfortunately, I do agree with Dr. C. that the estranged parent doesn’t have enough power to make even the smallest demand. We can’t ask that our children read our emails, take our phone calls, or in any way listen to our point of view. It’s like being dumped by a guy who just “isn’t that into you”.
My belief is that in our current society, grown children have a lot of power. They can easily start new lives with a new set of friends & cohorts, then re-write history to explain an abandoned parental relationship as being all the parent’s fault. When in reality, it may have been nothing more than the parent not caving to the child’s every whim. Because after all, if the child doesn’t get everything they see on TV, everything their friends have, or everything they might otherwise want, we have been abusive.
I will not apologize to my daughter for trying to raise her with love, standards and values. I will not beg her to take my phone calls (she won’t anyway) or compete with her father for how much money I can give her. But I also respect her right to make her own decisions, including who she allows into her life. She may be making what I believe to be a very poor decision, but it’s her right to make it and there’s no point in my begging her to take me back.
I will email her every few weeks just to let her know I’m still here. But I have no expectations that she will reply or otherwise reach back.
Has anyone noticed a trend in our society? A few generations ago, it became OK to divorce a spouse. Now it seems to be OK to divorce a parent or child. I’m divorced myself so not necessarily complaining. Just observing a progression in social norms.
Hi Alison,
I think you’re right about the trend. We have become an increasingly individualistic society and in the same way that parents can decide whether to stay together on the basis of how the relationship makes them feel, so too can the adult child. I wrote this recently in response to the NYT’s article on estrangement:
Certainly ongoing abuse in childhood is a legitimate reason for an adult child to consider cutting off contact with a parent. Especially an unrepentant or on unempathic one. However, I disagree with those who say that those constitute the majority of parents who have been cut off by their adult children. I think it has far more to do with the changing role of the parent and the child in our highly individualistic culture.
For example, from the 1920’s to the 1970’s, Americans steadily changed their child rearing emphasis from valuing conformity, church attendance, loyalty, and obedience, to focusing on children’s autonomy, tolerance, and the ability to think for themselves. This change was accompanied by a transformation in the family climate from an authoritarian to a more democratic and permissive one. Children went from being quietly kept in the background to being loudly and proudly paraded into the foreground. In many households, children became the axis upon which the household turned.
As a result of this shift, parents began to feel tremendous pressure to produce a child who is self-aware, but who is not unduly fettered by the corrosive effects of guilt, self-consciousness, and the burdens of “co-dependency.”
This focus on an “internal locus of control” created a slew of relational and parenting experts to help people overcome the guilt, anxiety, and fear that came as people began to wrestle with these newer identities. One of the central obstacles to this unfettered individualism became the “toxic” parent. Parents began to be viewed as potential baggage to be contained, if not eliminated, in the quest for self-esteem, psychological health, and personal fulfillment. A visit to any bookstore shows the success of this enterprise.
For example, the statement, “I’m bored” grew to be a statement of the parents’ adequacy and worth. Children could now judge parents by how well they provided opportunities and therefore, how deserving they were of the child’s love and respect. They could later, rightly or wrongly blame them for the ways that they turned out, or failed to turn out. They could attribute the failure to provide “formative opportunities” as being far more central than they may have been.
In comparison to the past, parents have far fewer support systems of kin and neighbors to help them strike the right balance in their child-raising. With people spending less time with their friends and communities, many parents turned to their offspring for fulfillment, intimacy, and long-term security. While more time and more involvement creates the possibility for more intimacy between parents and their children, it also creates the potential for more conflict, resentment, and disappointment on the part of both parent and child. In addition, a close, intimate relationship with a parent may make it harder to separate from that parent and, as a result, tempt the adult child to push away more aggressively in order to launch her own adult life.
While parents are expected to provide an even greater investment in childcare, entertainment, protection, college, and after college care than prior generations of parents, there are few guidelines for what they might expect in return. Parents may feel betrayed if they do not get the love and gratitude they look forward to and believe that they deserve. But children can now review their childhoods from the calculus of how supportive or affectionate were the parents and declare the relationship null and void if evaluated as something less than they needed or deserved.
The modern parent has much in common with another cultural icon, the soul mate. For example, in the soul mate ideology, one’s partner is supposed to be sexy (though not insatiable), independent (but not too independent), intimate (but not cloying), funny (but not obnoxious), well-educated (but not arrogant) and sensitive (but not wimpy).
In the ideology of the soul mate parent, Mom or Dad is supposed to be sensitive (but not intrusive), tolerant (though not neglectful), forgiving (though not weak), current on child development (though not a pedant), a good playmate (but not trying to live their life through the child), and a good mentor (without using the word, “mentor”).
Both the ideology of the romantic soul mate and the soul mate parent suffer from fundamental problems: the first is that most individuals don’t have the bounty of traits, attitudes, and attributes to bring to any one relationship. Second, what we want and need from a person at one point in time is often quite different from what we may need from them at another. Third, our own character flaws, genetics, and moods du jour may cause us to wittingly or unwittingly shut down or greatly inhibit the other’s capacity to provide the interaction that we may so desperately crave.
An overemphasis on parental responsibility ignores compelling evidence that children are also affected by peer group, neighborhood, class, genetics, and siblings. Yet, most of the stories that end up in the media feature parents who are (or were) selfish, abusive, neglectful, alcoholic, drug addicted, intrusive, or weak. It’s just so much more complicated than that.
You are seriously a moron who is causing damage by supporting a bunch of delusional bad parents in their quest for absolution. So totally sad…
WJS,
Why don’t you “estrange” yourself from this blog? You offer nothing but venom spewing from your fingertips! Go hit some balls or beat a rug….get it out some other way than lashing out and hurting those who are already suffering enough.
Bye Bye WJS.
WJS – I TOTALLY agree with your comment: So totally sad… but in regards to you. Please get that professional help you so obviously need. It really is so totally sad to see someone in such need and pain.
Alison: Wow what a great attitude and way to look at things. I struggle with the issues I have with my son. I miss him terribly (he’s been gone 6 weeks) but I put my foot down and would not let him date a under age girl while he lived in my house. I am also very angry .
I was a good parent, was always there for him, I , too raised my child with values and morals and always taught him the life lessons he would need to navigate through this world.
I agree, I will not apologize for doing the right thing.
He is 18 years old and I can only hope that the lessons I taught him will serve him well and make him realize the mistake he has made.
Alison,
It’s been so long between my daughter and I… I don’t even know what to write to her. I’d love to know the gist of what are you writing about. Just everyday stuff?
Thanks,
Annie
well said
I read and enjoyed Dr. Coleman’s book and am so glad someone has written a book to address what seems to be a prevalent way that children are deciding to treat their parents. I’ve emailed my son, gave him Christmas gifts, etc. and he ignores me. He is 18 and I asked him to leave the house 5 weeks before he turned 18 because he didn’t respect me or my home. I have to say that I spent months blaming myself, crying, etc., but now I have come to accept that no matter what I do, I can’t MAKE him want me in his life and forgive me for my mistakes. My parents treated me far worse than I treated my son. I did the best I could as a single parent and I deserve love, forgiveness and respect. If I don’t get it from my son, I will give it to myself. All I can do is pray for him.
Dear Dr. Coleman,
I guess accidentally I am doing something right. I have only sent one letter to my son after he emailed us saying that he wants nothing more to do with us. A year later I sent a simple email just asking for his forgiveness, saying I loved and missed him. He responded saying everyone makes mistakes but made it clear I wasn’t to communicate any further with him.
I feel that, knowing him, pushing would distance him further. Maybe he will come back in time, maybe not. My heart is broken and I still dwell on figuring out what all I must have done wrong. I really thought we had given him a pretty good life. Obviously not. Thanks for being here Dr. Coleman.
Dear Elsie,
How do you get through the days? Life is very long. Do you have other children? We only have one daughter and it’s been torture. It’s like someone has died daily. The pain is indescribable for me and unless you go through you, no one can imagine it. Depression has been getting worse and I don’t work so all I have time for is to think about my daughter. She’s getting married and has left us out of everything.
Dear Elsie, I know your pain, I have a 24 year old son who has nt had any thing to do with me in nearly 2 years.I pray for my son every day.If some one had told me 5 years ago this would happen to me, I would have told them they re crazy. My advice to you, as hard as it is you can do it, get on with your life, go places, do things with your family, they have been my saving grace.Dont let the ungrateful brat get you down. Keep your chin up.
Gladys,
I have not spoken to my daughter since June 21, 2011. That includes my granddaughter adn grandson. She is my only daughter and I completely understand your feelings. I have bene out of work 2 years now and am divorced. I have given this to God and I choose to believe that He is working in favor of all involved. Continue to pray over the situation and then cup your hands together and imagine it and all of your pain in the palm of your cupped hands. Life it up to the Lord and ask Him to take it because you don’t understand it nor know what to do with it. And then, move on and live your life the best way you know how. Big hugs from me to you.!
Hi Elsie,
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I do agree that if the adult child has made it that clear that you should respect it and trust your judgment of who he is. However, sometimes adult children change their perspective over time so I wouldn’t assume that this is the end.
I have read every comment on this thread and I can see both sides. I’m a mother…my son is 31 years old and our relationship has been turbulent from his teenage years to the present. I was not a great mother, and to be quite honest, I probably wasn’t even a good mother. I wasn’t quite 20 when I had him…his father knocked someone else up right after I had him, so I ended up being a single mother…I struggled financially, emotionally and my son suffered because of it as well. I ended up being married 3 different times while he was younger (not the greatest at stability, was I?) While I was in search of security for us so that we wouldn’t have to struggle and he wouldn’t have to go without, I forgot one very important thing….I was emotionally neglecting him. I wasn’t abusive…I didn’t use drugs….I didn’t drink…but I was always so wrapped up in my own problems that I failed to see what my life was doing to him. He pretty much hates me now and I understand his reasons and have owned responsibility for my failures as a mother, as well as apologizing time and time again for what I put him through. He is now grown…has 2 children of his own and is divorced….he has been unemployed for going on 2 years and doesn’t even get unemployment now and he lives with me. I provide a roof over not only his head, but my grandkids heads as well (he has them 50% of the time and they have their own rooms in the house that I bought)….I buy all of the groceries and pay all of the bills (I’m single so only living on my income) and I’ve been having to give him gas money for his car so he can “look for a job”….I just paid $230 to get his cell phone turned back on because he needs it in case of an emergency with the kids….I’ve been saddled with the responsibility of feeding and caring for the dog that he and his last girlfriend just had to have…I help out with keeping the kids as much as I can..and the list goes on and on. He helps me with nothing around here…not even yard work that is so hard for me to do myself…I do all of the laundry…I clean the house…he lives in the basement and won’t even keep that clean. I have tried so hard since he’s been older to make up for my shortcomings and failures when he was younger….even to the point of draining what little financial reserves I have been able to build up in order to help him out. Do I feel guilty for his childhood..you bet I do. I regret it every single day and wish I could go back and do it over again…but I can’t. My question is this….when can I stop feeling guilty? Does it ever stop? Is my apology ever accepted? If he hates me, why does he continue to live off of me? Is this my punishment? It’s almost as if he’s living off of my feelings of guilt…using them to his advantage. He treats me terribly….he has called me names that I don’t care to repeat…he has told me he wishes I’d die. Seriously, how much more do I have to give? I’ve supported him through a divorce…through breakups with girlfriends…through job loss…I’ve paid for things for my grandkids that a parent would normally buy….all he has to do is make me feel guilty for what a terrible mother I was and I cave. It breaks my heart that he thinks so little of me that he can, without any conscience or remorse, treat me the way that he does…I’ve convinced myself that I deserve it, which is why he’s still in my home. Again, I can see both sides, but at the same time….after trying repeatedly to make up for mistakes…after trying repeatedly to show someone that you love them, only to have your attempts to help go unnoticed and unappreciated….when does it stop? When do I get to move on? Or do I have to pay until the day I die? Just curious….
There’s only one person who can stop you operating on guilt and that is you. Your son will continue to lean on you for things until you put out the stop sign and let him know that a) you’re sorry for anything you mightn’t have done well b) you did the best you could do at the time and c) it’s time for him to start shouldering the load as the parent that he is and that d) you’ll support him to do it but you won’t do it for him. If you need help to tell him this, get yourself a counsellor/psychologist and work out a plan.
Kerry,
Thank you for your post which helps no end to know that none of us on here are alone or going through this awful experience without any understanding from anyone.
I am so sorry to read of your pain and exclusion from your daughter’s life. I pray one day she will realise what you have done for her and will ask for forgiveness.
I will always leave the door open for my daughter, but will not suffer the abuse or hurt that she was throwing at me for my sanity more than anything else. Noone deserves to be treated so cruelly.
There was me sitting watching old movies of her as a child and crying my eyes out and she couldn’t care less how I felt, so I decided to stop wallowing in it all and just get on with my life.
There is nothing worse than being rejected by the people you have made sacrifices for and always put first before yourself, going without to make sure they are well fed, clothed and get to do all the things they want to do, such as brownies, girl guides, school trips, etc.
Like you, I had the most amazing parents who were so family orientated and they lived for family, everyone adoring them. My Mother was a little difficult to get on with at times but I would never have cut her out of my life.
I thought my girls were brought up the same as me with compassion and love/respect for others.
When Mum died and Dad developed alzheimers, I used to go down to England for my whole school holidays to look after him and give my sisters respite.
When I broke my ankle in 3 places and was in a wheelchair for 11 weeks and on crutches for another 9 weeks, my daughters could not have given a jot about me. I reproached them about their lack of care and reminded them of what I did for my Dad who I loved. The response I got was, ‘He was old and you are not!’
I still hurt daily, and started a new teaching job last week, taking pics of my girls to sit on my desk. I suppose I want the world to see me as a normal Mum with daughters I adore and am proud of, but behind this lies the pain of knowing they care little for me.
I wish my Mum and Dad were still alive for me to talk to.
Much love,
Carrie xxx
Kerry,
I agree with Carrie. Your post helps tremendously and your words are spot on. I have a clear conscience where my son and stepson are concerned. My husband and I did our absolute best to show them that love and family are the most important things in this life. So now, as you say, peace harmony, love and laughter are key to surviving the rest of our lives. I am blessed to have the most wonderful husband and we are very lucky to truly like eachother and we love spending time together. It will always hurt to not have the close relationships with our children and grandchildren that we’d always hoped for but we must let it go lest we go crazy. Thanks so much for sharing your ordeal. — Love, Lisa
I’d like to begin with saying that I sympathize with your recent misfortune–the accident and the pain management. But I would like to very gently hazard an opinion. Reading your descriptions of your daughter’s husband–the abundant use of ironic quotation marks to describe his job, his being the only “Asian” at the wedding and your suspicions, and the “inter-racial” marriage comment–stunned and dismayed me, and I think that the younger generation, for I am about the age of your daughter, would perceive them as (frankly) racist, rigid, and insufferable. If she is as bright and savvy as you limned, she probably fancies herself in a better position to judge her own spouse than you are, and these kinds of comments–assuming that you shared them with her–could possibly have caused the rift.
Moving to other posts on this board, I think it’s very telling that although we have have the daffy Christians (one wonders why no one speaks to her anymore), sexist males (that idiot who keeps maundering about how fat his wife is), and a few that I think are beyond the cusp of being mentally ill, I see no mention of any of the parents of this board of an estranged gay child, yet I know many gay/lesbian adults who are estranged because of the execrable or denigrating way they were treated by their parents.
For all of the parents decrying “selfish” children, in my experience–with friends and family–the most common reasons seem (to me) to be, aside from outright abuse:
1. Ugly Divorces
2. Non-acceptance of gay children
Carrie,
My husband and I also took care of our parents and hoped it would serve as an example to both of our sons but I don’t hold much hope for that. In fact, given the inconsiderate young men they’ve become (along with their wives) we actually don’t really want them “taking care” of us. If they treat us this way now, can you imagine how badly we’ll be treated should the day come that we become a bit of a burden to deal with??
Yes Lisa, I fully understand, more than you know.
I have actually just changed my will so that my house and belongings will go to my partner but should he not be on the scene, I will sell up and use the equity to pay for a care home for myself so I can be assured of care and safety.
I would have loved to have left it all to my girls but why should I when they show little, sorry, NO care for me whilst I am alive?
How sad it all is when all I ever wanted to do was love them.
Hugs,
Carrie xxx
Hi Kerry,
We have so much in common and with Lisa too. At least we have each other to talk to.
Are you on Facebook by any chance?
You can find me if you are under Carrie Shields…my profile pic is of my partner and me.
Carrie
Hi Kerry,
Even if you join Facebook, you do not need to publicly discuss anything. There is a private messaging facility where noone else can read your mail to other facebookers.
It is a nice way to keep in touch as you can see photos of your friends/family and keep in touch on a daily basis.
Hope you do,
Love Carrie x
Hi Lisa,
Are you on Facebook by any chance?
You can find me if you are under Carrie Shields…my profile pic is of my partner and me.
Carrie x
I am on facebook Carrie and I am “friends” with my sons and daughters-in-law at this time. Thank God because it’s the only way I can see and kind of keep up with the progress of our granddaughters. We have three from my stepson. So, needless to say, I wouldn’t post anything on there about our present woes with them. I’ll message you so that we can communicate privately. I feel so lucky to have happened upon such caring, lovely people who truly understand what my husband and I are going through. Oh and Carrie, if I found the right Carrie Shields, you have such a warm smile and you look like Mary Travers (Peter, Paul and Mary) in her hey-day. xoxoxo — Lisa
Awww Lisa,
What a lovely thing to say and I would never post anything about what we discuss on here either.
We gals need to stick together and give support when needed, but privately.
I still hold up this facade that everything is well with my family and daughter and would not want to broadcast the upset to the world.
You have my word that I would never discuss such personal issues in the public forum xxxxx
I was astonished at how similar your story is to my own. I had a close and very loving relationship with my youngest daughter until she met her future husband. The change was immediate. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t invited to the wedding (courthouse) but brushed it aside telling myself not to be too sensitive. She had a baby girl 7 months later and I felt as tho I had just started to live. There are no words to express the awe and wonder of seeing your first grandchild. I work a full time job (I’ve been divorced from her father for years) and was overjoyed that she asked me to babysit 3 day’s a week. For 8 months I bonded with this precious angel, then came the banishment. I was shattered. This was a bad dream, and I would wake up any second. Her husband accused me of STEALING THE MONEY OUT OF MY GRANDBABY’S PIGGYBANK!! My world went black with disbelief. Shock. There just aren’t any words to describe what was happening. I didn’t see the baby for a year and 6 months. I wanted to be dead. Anything to stop the pain. I called to see if she would have lunch with me so maybe we could talk. She said she would have to talk it over with her husband first and would let me know. I never heard from her. I wrote both of them a letter, bleeding, and no response. the months went by and I felt like a zombie. Auto pilot. I was dead inside. Unable to grasp the reality of what was happening. Eighteen months later, my daughter called and wanted me to meet with her. Long story short, her husband was using drugs, and she filed for a divorce. In the meantime she had her second daughter who was 6 months old at this time. Once again I was babysitting 3 full days a week. Loving those babies and bonding. After 6 months I was banished again because “You bought the wrong kind of yogurt!” I felt like the earth was moving beneath my feet. This can’t be happening! I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Please don’t do this. OMG. Help me! Now I’ve had 2 babies ripped from my heart, not to mention my daughter (whom I don’t recognize…the daughter I raised was GONE). It’s been 3 weeks now, and I just found out she’s back with her husband. I will never understand this and have felt so ALONE and isolated. Reading every book I can get my hands on to try an understand this craziness, which led me to this website. I know I’ve been wordy but feel like I’ve been thrown a lifesaver. Thank you for letting me vent. Anna
Anna,
What you’re going through is horrible. It sounds like someone else has control over your daughter though. It seems like when she gets away from her drug abusing husband she’s more like the woman you raised. You can’t help but feel helpless. But, like Kerry said you must self-protect. It’s easier said than done but take control of your own life one day at a time. We can’t beg our children to love us and we shouldn’t have to pay for their love either. Read through the posts on this site and know that you’re not alone. You’re not too wordy — you go ahead and vent as you must. We’re here for you. Let us know how you’re doing. Love, Lisa