Dear Dr. Coleman,
Re: your book, When Parents Hurt: “Would love to hear more about why we have to not argue, not demand of our kids, not tell them our feelings. I am willing to do it, and it does help, but I would love to hear more about that whole way of thinking. Thanks again for writing the book.
Dear Reader,
I get asked this question a lot and it’s an important one. I recommend this to parents who have been estranged from their adult children because I think it’s critical that they keep the door open long enough so that one day they can have a more mutual relationship. But, if things have gotten so bad that there’s been an estrangement (or it’s on the verge of one), it means that you don’t have the luxury of a mutual relationship in the way that you might with a non-estranged adult child. With the non-estranged, there would be plenty of room for both of you to talk about your feelings and even have more open conflict because the whole basis for the relationship is not on the chopping block. With an estranged child, you have to create the conditions where some time, maybe years later down the line, there’s enough goodwill for your child to either see you more clearly or accept your perspective. If they’re estranged, they’re probably not yet ready to hear your perspective. It may make them turn away because it makes them feel too guilty; they may think that you’re defending yourself for something that they just want you (wrongly or rightly) to take responsibility for. They may feel (wrongly or rightly) like you’re blaming them for their feelings.
This isn’t fair, of course. I know that. But I’m a pragmatist when it comes to families. We have to start with where the 2 of you are right now, not from where it should be.
You can’t be demanding because you don’t have that much power. It’s a little like a marriage where one person has a foot out the door and is willing to divorce. The person who doesn’t want the marriage to end doesn’t have the same power to make demands as the one who is okay with it ending. I know this is very hard to do, but it’s a good thing to do, nonetheless.
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Hi -
Once again Mother’s day is here (and nothing) I might add this was going on a lot longer that this estrangment – and I can’t imagine how my daughter must be feeling in thinking that this is OK. For those who have not read my story – my daughter is a pysc. nurse, and got to that place with all of my support both emotional and financial. Since then -in the course of 5 years past we have communicated face to face only once, she wasn’t prepared to explain to me why she feels that ignoring our situation is going to be good for her in the long run. My story is a long one and I am past all the anger I feel towards her so I will not diarize it again. The biggest fact for me -is the part of this situation that she believes that I don’t have a life – and and owing me so much money -”what does it matter”. My biggest thing is getting off her mortgage which is coming up – might you not soon enough. I would love to retire – yet helping her put that out of reach for at least 7 years. Always I can’t figure out why that part of her -the part that she doesn’t think she is accountable to me and what goes on in my life. For me – I am lucky tI am not sad on having that relationship with her ended.-there was too much take and not enough give . There has to come a time in one’s life that the door slams shut and is locked. After I found this site – the people on here helped me to get to that point with their situations. I have a very comfortable relationship with my grand kids who are teenagers now – who love me -and listen and appreciate all that I can do for them So HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all of you.
Patricia,
I remember your story. I’m so glad for you that you have a good relationship with your grandchildren. You certainly deserve it and you surely deserve to be treated better by your daughter. It’s impossible to know or figure out why it is that they don’t appreciate the sacrifices we’ve made for our children. They seem to have no clue as to what it took to get them where they are now. Like you, probably, if I had “invested” our money elsewhere, I could be retired now. Still, I’m luckier than you in that retirement is in my sights so I feel for you that your ungrateful daughter has delayed that for you. I does sound, though, like you’re getting other aspects of your life together and that you’re at peace with your situation. I’m so glad for that. A belated Happy Mother’s Day to you and I wish for you continued healing. Love, Lisa
Hi Patricia – nice to see you back here again. I haven’t been on here for a while thus my delay in posting.
Just keep going, Patricia. You are doing well. I am convinced that there are some situations in life that have no answers. And these estrangements with our grown-up children is one of them. Four years have passed since I saw my daughter and each week gets a little easier. Acceptance. I still cry every day but maybe that is a healthy release. Like you, I don’t understand the absence of interest in my life, the disrespect, the lack of appreciation, the total ignore.
Don’t beat yourself up – or compare yourself with others – about having to continue to earn an income. We are more than likely around the same age, and I have to work. Had I not been such a generous mother then this wouldn’t be an issue. Would I change that knowing what I know now? No. I like being generous, and helping my daughter was intrinsic in me. The fact she has no gratitude or acknowledgement of my efforts is something she will have to bear as she matures. Financially for me, it feels as though I am starting again – a new chapter of working – and the worst thing I can do is feel embarrassed about that, or look over the fence at greener pastures. Everyone is different and we are all dealt different cards to play.
Stay strong. Maria x
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Why is it just assumed on this site that the parents are not responsible for the estrangement of their adult children? My elderly parents are very manipulative and controlling and take delight in denigrating myself and my siblings. This has gone on ever since we were children and about 15 years ago, I got fed up with it.
I have written my parents 2 letters describing their destructive behaviors, but they refuse to change. Two of my other siblings went through years without contact with them as well. So I suspect that there are those parents who have written of their experiences that can’t understand what went wrong because they are blind to their behaviors that drove their adult children away, either that or they just don’t care to change.
Liz,
That does sound the case in your situation but many of the parents who post here have not really gotten a reason from their children. If we did, we would try to fix it. I’m very sorry that you had to grow up in such an unpleasant atmosphere. I can assure you that was NOT the case with my sons. My husband and I worked very hard to make their lives pleasant while still teaching them good morals and values. Both of them are very successful and have lovely families of their own. We don’t begrudge them that. We are, however, dismayed by the fact that they don’t (mostly the older son) include us in much of what they do nor do they display any concern at all for our well being. I have stated many times that they sure know where we are when they want something from us. We have obliged them many times. Other than that, there is very little contact and in the case of our older son, the contact all but stopped since we “denied” his last request for funds. We did not do so out of any vengeful feelings, we made the decision to stop the huge checks at Christmas and for birthdays simply because we are concentrating on getting comfortably set up for our own retirement. Our younger son and DIL are fine with all of that and we see them about once a month or so. Our relationship with them is not as close as it once was but most of the time I’m at peace with that. Until they let us know what has them upset, we can’t correct it.
So, I’m asking you not to put all of us in the same category as your parents. Most of us who post here are not perfect by any means but we have been very loving, supportive parents who have been hurt by our children for reasons unbeknownst to us.
I wish you peace and happiness with your situation. Lisa
Not all parents have to be “bad” for a child to need to have some form of estrangement from them. My mother was a wonderful loving mother all through my growing years. She was a close friend, someone I could always go to. She always promised me I could, and we shared every part of our lives.
And then she got married. And I had moved out to college, and then to grad school, so no big deal right? Except over the next ten years our relationship went from close close close to hardly capable of talking with any sort of understanding. Agreements would be made…and not kept, on her end. There was always a good reason. I forgave and forgave and forgave, and tried to have a new relationship with her each time. Everything she said she would do to help heal the rift was never followed through on, though she is full of apologies now.
And apologies for the loss of income she’s caused me (promised to support me like her parents did her when grad school went bad, then I quit and her first words were, “Well, how are you going to support yourself?!), but can’t fix now or it would jeopardize her retirement. Gee, I guess my retirement doesn’t matter as much (fyi the money I’m still paying off for her “semantics” issue is coming out of MY retirement, and thank god I had friends so I wasn’t forced to STRIP to survive, no I’m not joking).
Apologies don’t fix the relationship with the (black) boyfriend who was more than a little upset because my mother told me he’d have to stay in the hotel for Xmas as my grandparents wouldn’t appreciate his blackness. She has since told me I should have just told her “screw you” and brought him home anyway, as though that were an option at that point.
Or how about the surgery scheduling issues, the forcing of a family member I didn’t know well on me during recovery from surgery?
So what does one do with this situation? Did she hit me as a child? Actually, yes. I have no memory of it, but after 8 years of leaving therapists because they wanted to focus on the abuse I must have suffered as a child, I found out, off-handedly from her, that she HAD in fact hit me as a child.
So do I hate her? No, I miss my best friend and cry over it everytime I think of it. But she’s not my friend, she has proven that over and over, that when she is with a man she is not my friend. That she will turn her back on me when I need it, when she’s come to ME to promise ME something, then when she doesn’t come through there’s some “semantic” reason for what happened.
And she’s always very sorry, very apologetic and HURTS when she talks to me about it. But the problems don’t stop.
So every time I read about some parent who is mystified about why their child is estranged from them, I don’t waste time wondering. Just feeling sad for the child, who’s never going to have that parent back who will listen to them, or hear them. If you wonder why your child is estranged, try thinking a bit more about it, it’s really NOT a mystery to anyone but you.
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Hi. I read your letters and try to figure out what each of you did wrong, but I also know that it’s something SUBTLE that we all did wrong. I know people who’s parents sexually assaulted them or burned them with cigarettes, and they are still in communication. So what did we do? If only I could identify it, I could take responsibility, and maybe say the “right” thing to get my son back into my life. Here’s my story: my husband was abusive, he didn’t let me work or have friends. When he left me, I hadn’t had a job ever. He left me with the 3 kids, and he didn’t pay child support. We went from a 1/2 million dollar house to the soup lines. Still, I managed to get money for a down payment on a small house and filled it with renters so I could keep the kids stable. I’m still here. The first few years my ex wasn’t too interested in seeing the kids. The 4 of us were really close and, really, joyful. After 5 years my ex came back and wanted the kids, saying I had “alienated” the kids from him – hey, he left and never came to see them. Me, with no money, couldn’t get an attorney and I lost the boys. My ex let me see them rarely. D was only 8. The first son came back to me as soon as he turned 18, but over the years D has drifted farther and farther away. He’s 22 now and won’t answer the phone from ANY of us. We haven’t seen him in a 2 years. The kids I raised went to college and are doing fine. D flunked out of high school and doesn’t have a steady job last I heard. I know it is because of his abusive father, but why won’t he let us help him? I’d do anything. Why can’t I share his life? Every day I worry about his very existence as well as missing him terribly. If he won’t let any of us communicate with him, I don’t see any way he could come back into our lives. I can’t understand and so I can’t accept. Why do child abusers get a relationship with their kids and I don’t? I feel as our lives go on he will think about us less and less and never, ever come back. I can barely face the idea of a future without him in it . . .
I know what I did wrong, but Im not even sure that is what is continuing the estrangement with my son. He was estranged before I did it. We had a very close relationship before he met “Carol”. She was 7 years older than his 25 years and had two young children. We took them in and loved them but Carol has a chip missing. I ignored that, I wasn’t going to be my ex mother in law. But she didn’t like how close my son and I were so she started making stuff up and he chose to believe her. He didn’t want to be his father and destroy what he had for the sake of his mother. I still ignored. Then he gave me a random ultimatum regarding a choice between him and his sister and I didn’t jump. He didn’t speak to me for a year before I got cancer…Carol sent me an email from my sons phone saying it was a shame I survived the surgery but to not worry…the cancer would kill me yet and they were hoping it was slow and painful. This was her third in a string since I let my son know I was ill. Finally I found out that he not only knew about the emails he was okay with them. I am not excusing what I did next…just explaining…I fell down the stairs the night I got this death wish and was taken back to hospital by ambulance. I was hurting physically, emotionally and on some very powerful pain medication. I felt like I was in my right mind and decided that I would not spend my life waiting for him to return, but would send him such a nasty email that he would hate me forever and I would “know’ he was never coming back. I have not seen my son in just over 3 years. He is now moving to another province and I don’t anticipate ever hearing from him again. So today I sent him a text. I told him I was sorry I hurt him. That I had hoped to apologize in person but that at least he would know I was sorry. I wished him well and told him I loved him. And now I am dying inside.
My situation is a little different. My wife and I had a foreign exchange student with whom we had a wonderful year. We don’t take these students just to have someone interesting. We love them as a part of the family (while affirming that their true parents are the ones back home). So far, all but one of the students became very close, and they still call us Mom and Dad and include us in their lives. I am a pastor and my wife a musician, so we even went to Europe to do the wedding of our first one. And this later one came back to go to college and up to recently continued to be very close. And we have been careful to treat her like the adult she now is. She is in her later years of college now, and she is seeming more and more distant. The magic just isn’t there, and it seems like most of what I say sounds dumb to her. She has had a serious boyfriend over the last year and a half, but other than that not much different. I vacillate between wanting to have a sit-down ab0ut this, just letting her go, or trying to keep up contact. But the few times I’ve mentioned something she is bland about it and says everything’s ok. But it isn’t. That wonderful warmth is just not there. I don’t believe there is anything going on like drugs, trouble with the boyfriend, or grades. (Although I guess nothing’s for sure.) But it feels like I have a hole in my heart. At other times I tell myself to quit having a pity party and enjoy the other girls, especially one who is more and more close as she gets older. But I wish we could have a little of what we used to have with the other.
Mark,
For whatever reason, it sounds like this young lady is beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable around you. Or it could just be that you and your wife were “temporary” parts of her life and she now wants to move on. As a pastor I’m sure this will not be the first time this sort of thing happens to you nor will it be the last. Give her the space she apparently wants.
Thanks, Lisa. You may be right. (Although not very comforting.)
But you can take comfort in the fact that you and your wife were positive influences in this young lady’s life and that you truly contributed to her future success. This in itself is a gift to you and to her.
Yes, there is satisfaction in that. And, the other girls are so good about sharing their lives with us, even coming to America to visit. We expect that will continue, and we have plans to visit them again in Europe. We can enjoy them, and let the other go – sadly, but with good wishes.
Take care, Lisa.
“Pain is inevitable, misery is optional”. I have stopped self inflicting emotional wounds and feeling miserable regarding my relationship or lack there of with my two adult daughters. Instead I have shifted my thoughts and I am grateful for the wonderful relationships I do have. I put all of my thought and energy into what I want and no longer give thought or energy to what I do not want.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing, for me forgiveness is giving up the notion that things could have happened differently and when you understand how hard it is to change yourself you begin to understand what little chance we have of changing others. I also believe that when a person is defensive it usually means they feel guilt. It sounds harsh, but their guilt is not my problem and I will not allow it to become my problem. Others can only treat you badly if you let them.
A gem of a quote from a former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.
Sending love and peace to all who wish to receive.
Dora
Dora,
You are absolutely right. As soon as I stopped beating myself up over my relationship with my son and DIL things eased up a bit. I know full well it never be the same as it once was but that is their choice, not mine. I vowed a while back that I will follow their example and live my life as enjoyably as possible. If some of those times include them, that’s fine but I am no longer holding “spots” open just in case they want to spend time with my husband and me. Since the beginning of this year we’ve spent some VERY pleasant times with them and our granddaughter to include this past Easter. We’re going to their house for our GD’s birthday. I certainly can’t say the same for our older son and his wife but that “estrangement” has more to do with the fact that we closed up our checkbook (to both of them) for the time being. We haven’t heard anything from them almost a year. We sent cards and presents at Christmas and then again at Easter but…..
So yes, I’m at peace with this and our door and hearts are always open to them. I got here one day at a time! Love, Lisa
I agree that most of the parents on this site are in this position because we did too much for our kids. I like some of the other posters always put my son first, he was the little emperor and I was the slave. My son was married six months ago, wedding fiasco, me the single mother of the groom, seated in the back, not allowed in the pics, an unwanted guest..although he told me the night before the wedding I was the best mom in the world, of course I had just deposited $10 grand in his account. His wife is insanely jealous of his relationship with me, saying she thought we were too close. Well she changed that. He wont speak to me at all now, he’s even restricted my phone number… this takes such an awful toll..I am devastated..professionals Ive spoken with think he is in a controlling, abusive relationship, and that he is just weak…but wow, I didnt see this coming. If I could go back, I would not put my needs second to his every whim…Easter Sunday today, havn’t heard from him…bad day, it feels better knowing Im not the only one going through all of this..
I am right there with you. This is a first for me. An only child , single mom, best friends until 3 weeks ago the weekend of Easter mind you I had to spend it alone and ot has gotten worse. I do not know what I did wrong. He wont even give a chance to discuss . I have some compelling evidence of a crime he commited at work should I reveal it to his boss and cause him loss of job never to return to his field? As a parent, I have a hard time thinking about having to do this to my son.
Dear Dr Coleman,
I have a problem which I am facing since at least 4-5 years but it is strongest at the moment. I am an Indian child born to loving Indian parents & have all my needs fulfilled by my parents (I am 25 today). Though I am doing a service in a company & earning very adequate amount of money its surely not enough to sustain a family like my own(my parents & me).
The Problem: Since at least 4 years my parents(specifically my mother) is so cared about my future that almost all the time we have a talk she talks only about my future & nothing else. I don’t remember the last time she told me how much she loved me & how much she is cared about me. I don’t remember the last time when I felt that just my presence in her life is much more than enough then me being a person reputable enough to sustain a life as that of my siblings & cousins.
Its not that she doesn’t care for me, she is a perfect Indian mother model, in fact I am very pampered to the extent that I get food served to me all the time I sit to have a meal(Which is mostly done by her). I know that this is a part of her love towards me, but its not enough. I don’t need food, but affection to feel that I am more than a person whose life she wants to be secured. In fact, I am myself very aware of my situation & also that I need to perform better in my life. This gives me a lot of stress too. But my mother speaking about it almost everyday just kills my feelings of being happy(I am a person who is normally very happy). I am in love with a girl who she is not much fond of & also demands that I stop talking to her. She thinks that the girl is the reason for me performing not quiet well in my life.
I know that today after I told her to leave my room & leave me alone she has got a hint that I have had enough, but I am sure she is going to start worrying again about my future.
I hope you have time to suggest how I can feel better? & how should I face this in my life?
Dear Anonymous from India,
Hope you are fine and not stressed out for unimportant reasons. From your write up I understood that you have great parents who are always wanting good for you and will always be supporting you during good or bad times. You are actually blessed and you are not realizing it. Because of recession worldwide, all sensible parents talk about career, education, jobs, etc. and that is perfectly normal. Just hugging, kissing, partying, joking, feeding is not the only way to express love and care. In fact such modes of expressions of love are for the moment and does not reflect the feeling of real love and care for an entire life.
Friend, you parents have matured love for you and you should appreciate that instead of feeling stressed. You should also reciprocate their love instead of ducking. If you don’t like something about them then tell them politely. Frankness is very important for a stress free life. Very few people have the opportunity of having such matured caring parents. I am sure your parents too have some faults like all humans do. They are not super humans/gods after all. Accept them with the faults they have. Don’t you have any faults in yourself? Treat them like ordinary human beings and not like any home appliances. When we find faults in appliances we complain and then abuse the product, the manufacturer, the dealer etc. because the relation was made by paying money and we always want proper service in return. But human relation are not like that — it is not conditional. Always remember that a Normal Human Being does not have everything perfect and a Perfect Human Being is not at all Normal. So I think so should expect normal behavior from your parents rather than expecting perfect behavior and that makes life simple and beautiful and worth living. The standards you have set for your parents are too high and probably no normal parents will be able to get it…. Be more practical in life.
Bye! have a good and great future which is free from stress and strain.
Just shoulder some responsibilities at home. It will help your mom to realize that you can take care of yourself and of others. Ask your mom about what she wants and how can you help her. She will change for good and on a positive note. Punishing or mentally torturing the loving parents is not a decent way to find solution. All parents have some combination of errors and that is a part of the parcel. Your children in future will also feel the same for you too — and that is normal.
When parents do not ask about their children’s future then the child says ” my parents are not bothered about my future and have done nothing for me”. It is a problem either way. Do not pay much attention to these petty issues in life. Many real problems will pop up in life which cannot be avoided . Keep yourself ready for them.
Illness, jobless, allegations and litigation, divorce, drug addiction, penniless, accidents, etc. etc. are some of the real life problems which need courage to face.
I hope you have realized that your problem is problem but of petty importance. Ignore it.
I pray for understanding, but I still do not understand.
My daughter has practically disowned me.
He mom died young, leaving me to be a single parent. I sacrificed everything to raise her. I gave up a career that would have taken time away from her. I gave up finding companionship – I did not want to bring woman after woman into and out of my daughters life and unbalance it.
We had a good relationship up until a a little over a year ago. The she and her husband had their first child and suddenly I am a stranger.
I went into the hospital, didn’t bother her with it since it was only for a day, but for some reason the hospital gave her phone number to insurance salesmen who called her looking for me. All I had done was give her as emergency contact. She flipped out and barked at me like a dog over the phone.
I guess she doesn’t want to notified if I die.
Not even a call at Christmas. No call on my birthday even.
I’ve only seen my grandson twice, over a year ago now. They live ten minutes away from me.
I called and wanted to bring a present over for his first birthday, but when I called to find out a good time, she couldn’t get me off the phone fast enough, telling me I could mail it.
I could mail it.
I don’t even have a current photo of him, let alone been able to see him grow.
All I have ever wanted for her was for her to have a life she could love.
And I think she has that.
I just wish I knew why she doesn’t want to even talk to me anymore, or see my only grandchild as he grows up.
This isn’t the person I raised.
I wish I knew why.
Steve, your letter brings me to tears. My 27 yo son has not spoken a word to me in over 6 years. 6 long years. We were once close but I noticed in his late teens he started to drift and eventually away at college, he dumped me completely and cut me out of his life. He still is in touch with my family and his half sister, my 18 yo who I am seeing the same signs with now and am terrified that she is next. Was I that bad a father? I don’t think so, maybe not the best but I always loved my children and tried hard to show them and tell them how much I loved them and how proud I was that they were my children. I never had much money, not to educated but I tried to be a good parent. My kids are not the ones I raised either nor do I know why. I am afraid of dying alone with no children to care for me. I don’t think either really care for me or love me.
Having another bad day. I happened to find this site and I have to admit that it eased my pain just a little to know I’m not the only one. My daughter has not spoken to me in over 2 years. She is 29, married to a very good man, and I’m happy that she is so happy. My friend tells me that my daughter and her husband are trying to have a baby. And I know I will never get to know any children they have. My daughter made it clear to me that neither she nor her husband hate me; in fact, they don’t care about me at all and just have decided they do not want me in their lives. We had a terrible argumnent after her father died a few years ago (we had been divorced for 15 years). To make a long story short, she and her 4 cats were living with me. I told her I thought it was time she start looking for her own place. She wanted to continue living with me for another year until her boyfriend was out of the service. I told her she really needed to get her own place. I talked to her older sister about this for advice. My daughter read my emails to her sister, became angry, left, and I have not seen her for over 2 years. I tried calling, emailing, texting, nothing. Finally she sent me a long and very hurtful email saying that they weren’t mad, they didn’t hate me, they just didn’t want someone like me in their lives. I try to accept this and move on, but the hurt sometimes gets so bad, I can’t stand it. I honestly do not think she will ever have a change of heart. Unfortunately, she is a lot like her father, who seemed to get satisfaction in hurting me and making me pay for my mistakes. My daughter is doing the same thing. She makes me feel as if I was the worst mother in the world. Despite a very bad marriage and a husband who belittled me and overindulged her, I tried to be the best mom I could. Yes, I made mistakes along the way. I have apologized for them, but she has made up her mind that she wants no part of me in her life. I just don’t know how to handle the constant hurt I feel. C
Have you tried doing something other than saying you’re sorry? Words stop meaning anything when they are overused and without anything behind them. People don’t just stop caring, there’s a reason. If you don’t know what it is, you’ve either not listened before when it was discussed, or you aren’t listening now. And I mean really listening. Not hearing the words as they come out of your kid’s mouth, but actually listening from her perspective.
I’ve seen a lot of parents complain that they don’t understand, blah blah blah….Were you a friend, and then suddenly not? This is the root of a lot of my and my friends’ issue with our parents–they wanted to be friends, then parents, then friends, then parents, then friends, then parents, and kids don’t appreciate that sort of thing. Once you leave a relationship for another (being the parent then the friend), it’s harder and harder to want to maintain that new relationship–the old one was fine for them! Why would you want to change it all up again? It starts going to the root of why the two of you were close, and it makes the kid start wondering….. It sounds like there is so much more to this, but to you your story is really just what’s included above. Believe me, you’re daughter didn’t leave you behind for no reason. Lamenting that you can’t imagine what you did won’t bring her back. I’m jealous of her, wish I could walk away from my own mother so easily
…..
And going to another child for help with one of your other children–advice on whether to throw her out of the house or not? That’s really not ever going to end well. You’ve clearly chosen one over the other, or at least that’s how it looks. Try apologizing for involving her sister in what was just between you two. That might be a place to start.
You’ve now said she’s just like her father, too, a father you divorced or were divorced from and then had a huge argument about as he was dying or recently dead. I can totally see that as being a problem. Not only did you have an unfortunate argument about someone she (if not you) loved and was close with who is dead, but you did it at a particularly bad time when she needed you–and it was a person she knew you had a contentious probably at best relationship with. That is probably a major source of pain for her still, resentment, etc. You might have to reopen that old wound to get it to heal
.
Timing is actually pretty significant in life. I can see all these things piling on and piling on, and I’d want to leave you behind too. If it’s too unpleasant to stay, why would she stay?
Conversely, how can you make it pleasant for her to come back? What would make her want a relationship with you again? I see that as being the question you should seek to answer.
Hi everybody, I notice a lot of women leave messages here so I hope this is ok from the husbands point of view ? I am retired British Military & am married, my father was career military too & in no way was I as hard on my son as my father was on me, that seems to have been a mistake on my part !
Like most if not all of you we provided a loving home for our son, great food (my wife is one heck of a good cook) always clean clothes, bedding etc etc & money whenever our son needed anything. Infact we spent way to much money on him & bought far to many expensive presents thinking we could buy his love…..
Right from the start there seemed to be a “rift” between us, I couldnt really put my finger on it but now I think about it there has always been “something” not quite right about the whole parent/child relationship ? We were basically just his slaves & had to act or react as needed or all hell would break loose & as the years go by you learn to live with this situation & start to believe its normal ! At the age of 7 we spoke to a doctor regarding this situation & his reply was “bottoms are for smacking” & maybe we should have heeded his advice but both of us coming from very strict upbringings we decided kindness was the way forward, wrong again !!! Then the lies started, never coming home on time, never answering his mobile or returning texts & so it went on…..
Our son is now very successful in his life so we didnt do a bad job after all but do you think he contacts us ever ? Well yes he does sometimes BUT only when he neededs something & now we have learnt to say NO he doesnt like that at all.
The latest call resulted in him using the “F” word to me 3 times in the same sentance & there were 90 minutes of that to myself & my wife. Two nights in a row she has cried herself to sleep again & this has been going on for years so last night I decided that enough is enough & this shall happen no more.
I have explained our situation to our son, via text of course as he wont answer his phone, & also stated to him that however much we want to see him & hear from him & he will always have a home with us if ever he needed it he has to appologise for his actions over the years or we have no choice but to say good bye.
I didnt mention he is now engaged to a women with a daughter & they live over 400 miles away so text, email or phone is an acceptable way to communicate especially as we never see them at christmas (also my wifes birthday !), easter, summer, my birthday or any day ever ! Yet her parents get all the quality time & we dont even get a phone call. When he left home I said to him that no matter what we are his family & he is ours, he is loved unconditionaly by us & a phone call every now & again to let us know he is ok will be great….. he never has bothered & that after nearly 6 years of him serving in the military himself !!!!!
We are so proud of his service & all he has achieved but we never hear from him & find things out about what hes up to via 3rd parties…… Why bother any more ?
What did we do wrong ? Why do we always say sorry for things we didnt do or say ? Why waiste the rest of your life trying to push water uphill through a sieve ?
I served for my adult life & always got a message through to loved ones so its time we got on with whats left of ours lives & to be honest if I told you how much money we have given him over the years, how many times we have bailed him out financialy after he wrecked 3 of his cars, how many times we have sent him money, a laptop because he punched his & broke the screen, paid for taxi’s to pick him up from his base to bring him home when he didnt have his car with him & we were both working, £300. one way by the way that journey etc etc….. you just wouldnt beleive me if I told you the total !!!
And his eventual reply to all this was…… I dont know what your talking about, its not my fault you never listen ! business as usual then….
So, all you people out there in a similar situation, its not your fault, you did your best but for some reason our child doesnt feal the same way we do so however much our parental instinct is to protect & to do everthing in our power to sort it all out so our child is happy & loves us sometimes especially when they grow into adulthood this isnt the best course of action as they will never be responsible for their own actions & will never learn to deal with their own problems so live your lives, forgive your husband/wife unconditionaly for all the arguements, yep we all had them, & get out there together & enjoy whats left of your own lives, if & when our “children” grow up & realise they have hurt us very badly our doors will still be open to them but the same doors will also open to let them pass back through to their own worlds so that we can continue to enjoy ours……
Thank you & the very best of luck to you all.
My heart aches every day for my adult son. I cannot talk to him, I have tried. I will love him forever, but sadly and hesitantly I know now after almost 2 years, I must move out of his way and on with my life. I realize that along with the loss of my son, I must accept also the loss of my grandsons as well. I have gone through all the stages anger, grief and even hurt but my heart will not ever heal and that I have to accept. I hold on to the memories and love we did have, and hope someday my son will remember that love and the memories but I cannot make that happen, that is up to my son and God! My family was close, my oldest grandson was very close to us and loved spending time with us until this happened when he was 5 years old. There is so much pain, it cannot be explained. I know this pain will never go away, but every day I have to find the strength, like each of you, to see and share the joy that others bring to our lives! Thank you for sharing.
Hi Trevor – I haven’t been on this forum for a while but did so just now and found your post. Thank you for telling your story – it does help others as these difficulties can be isolating. I can only imagine how you and your wife must feel. So many of us approached parenthood in a similar way to how you described. Although when parting with money for our children, I don’t think the motive is necessarily to buy their love. For me – and probably you and your wife – it was this unconditional and overwhelming feeling of love for my daughter. She came first. My mistake (of course, in hindsight) is that I didn’t keep a slice of life for myself. All of me was invested in bringing up my darling girl (who doesn’t speak to me!). And juggling a busy and successful career, carved out to make sure I could give my daughter everything! I watch young parents now with the same busy-ness that I had and the same fierce focus on their children – making sure all their needs are covered, all their desires granted, and on it goes. It is not appropriate to warn them – but that’s one of the key areas where I messed up. I didn’t nurture myself in the same way I nurtured my daughter. Trevor, this is not a forum for women only and I’m pleased you popped up. You are right – we all need to gather together with like-minded people, people who value our presence, and just let go. That took me years to come to terms with but I am doing it now. I had my daughter for 25 years and we had an enviable (?!) loving and close relationship. She then met her husband-to-be and life changed. I was suddenly irrelevant and treated with disdain, and such enormous disrespect. It was like being caught up in someone else’s nightmare. I hung in there for a couple of years trying to fix it – as parents do. I am not doing that any more. My daughter is not interested in me. And her rudeness was soul-destroying. In the end I wrote to her to (finally!) say I am appalled at her behaviour towards me; and should she wish to have me in her life, then it is conditional this time. Respect, courtesy, and kindness. That’s about all any of us want. All the very best to you and your wife with coming to terms with who your son is (for now), and for finding peace and happiness in a life that needs to be structured differently. Take care of yourselves. Maria x
So my boyfriend and I recently invited my 19 year old brother in our home to stay and for help. He hadnt been doing too well. He has been kicked out of my fathers house, kicked out of my aunts house for stealing and ended up getting drunk at a party waking up in the emergency room and scared. from that point on he asked for help said he wanted to better himself. I couldnt stand the thought of him going to a homeless shelter so we told him as long as he works on getting his self together he can stay with us. At first is was fine he was respectful he listened he was happier. within days all of a sudden if we say anything to him we get “stop mothering me” or “Im 19 years old, dont tell me what to do.” and the thing we simply ask is to please take his shoes off in our house, or make your bed ( he is sleeping on our couch and we have a small place and all he has to do is fold up the sheets we gave him and put it on the side) granted we didnt have the best upbringing whatsoever, were to the point where we dont want him here and we honestly dont trust him either because of the stealing.
I have three adult children. I moved from California to Indiana because of work. My wife was serving time during the move. She has since joined me. My oldest daughter helped me move. We had a few days of driving together and we talke about everything. I really felt that we had good bonding time. About two week after the move, she started texting me with the most horrible, hurtful words you can imagine. I have no idea why she turned on me this way. I would like to understand but she won’t talk to me. My wife and other children do not defend her. I have talked to them about it and they pretty much say the she can be that way. The thing is, she has cut off all communication with me. How can I work with her on this when she has written me off. My last word to her were, I’m sorry you feel that way. I never meant to hurt you. No matter what, you are my daughter and I will always love you. So far she pretty much acts as if I am dead. She actually stated so in her series of text messages to me. I havent heard from her in 3 months. I don’t want this to be how things end for us. But I don’t know how to throw a line out to her. i see that she has painted herself into a corner and I have given her pleanty of room to move. But so far, nothing. I’m 55, she is 34. She is not a kid and she is no dummy. I just don’t know what to do.
JM
Hi everyone: I found this site last night.. posted way down the list..
dated March 17th 2013 .. if anyone is curious. My name is Kate… My
story is very similar in many ways to other writers. I’m dealing with
the wrenching heart ache of feeling like a stranger.. to my 38 year old
son, who is now expecting his first child. Don’t want to repeat some of my
story. He’s a great guy, married a great girl… and she really appeared to want to
foster close ties.. and then it all changed. My husband and I are not
medalling, are mature and giving, and clued in to the fact that they
need space..but how much space???? If you are told we are too busy
for emails, and don’t answer calls on the weekend, and too busy and
tired in the evenings because on long hours and they want to caccoon…
how do you keep I touch????? My DIL has made it clear, that she is alpha..
and I’m okay with that. To make matters worse, my son, has
become extremely defensive lately… I’ve never seen this in him before. I’m
65, first grandchild on the way.. and wondering.. If they don’t have time
now.. what are you going to do when you have a child????? Obviously,
we have different expectations for this relationship than they do… but
it really hurts to the core. I noticed in some many comments on “the why”…. and “how”.. did we get here???? I want to communicate or negotiate
a outcome….. but as my husband has suggested… I don’t think this is
negotiable. The advice that is given from many on this blog.. is standback
and let them come to you. My fear is.. that if we don`t communicate we will grow apart.
that I won`t have a relationship with my grandson that is expected this
July… and that I`m losing my son. We are not what I would say
estranged, but feel it is heading that way.. just distant. I would prefer
short brief moments of conversation… and I believe they want to meet
on birthdays. My DIL is very close to her parents and 3 other siblings..
it`s like a clan… Funny thing… I prayed for my sons to marry into close
families.. as I was a single, caring mom…. so I supported him marrying into a large family….I just
cry inside, because I know I have no choice… JUST DON`T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THESE EMOTIONS. I`m sure my son thinks it is all in my
head. I`m hoping that once a child comes, he will grow up. I`ve really
fostered closeness when I had
my own children I always encouraged family first. I hear the message… let it go…. continue on with your life… I didn`t expect this at my stage of
life.. such emptiness. Any other suggestions in dealing with this grief..
I really feel like I want to communicate this with my son and DIL… but
something in me really does say `KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT`..
of my life.
Hello every one, i have been through series of spell caster and no one of them has been able to get my lost love of two years back which i cherish so much, then i lost all hopes and decided to let go. Then i pop into this email address on the internet that he is capable of bringing back lost love no matter how far and how worse the condition may have been and then i decided to give it a try and the to my greatest surprise it worked for me. How he did it, i don’t know till now that we are about getting married and he told me that nothing can separate us and that the spell is only working in accordance with my heart desire. i can never thank him enough because what he did for me was unbelievable, i would strongly advice the use of his services when it come to getting ex back. i am talking about priestandrew91@yahoo.com, i don’t know if any of you have heard of him. He is an honest man………..ALL THANKS BE UNTO HIS NAME
I’m in my 40′s, my youngest is 18 and still lives at home. He is the meanest kid. He talks to me like I’m garbage, calling me crazy, telling me to shut up. He doesn’t care how he hurts me and I think he likes to hurt me as much as he can to get what he wants, even if what he wants is to just hurt me. His father always gives in to him and despite and otherwise great relationship, I’ve threatened to leave my home over it. I keep having on, even though my other son has told me to come stay with him. My heart is broken. I love him and can’t imagine not seeing him, but I cringe at seeing him! He is kind one minute, but he is a snake in his quickness to strike, seemingly unprovoked. He never apologizes. He calls his girlfriend names, too. I wish she’d see how mean he is before its too late for her. I know he will move out, but I can’t wait. I am stuck in thinking his being a mean son shouldn’t make me shirk my duties, but I feel as if I’m rewarding him by packing his lunch, etc. I regret all the fights and tears and wasting my life with someone that can’t stand me.
Dear Saimi. My suggestion to you is not to say very much to your son at the moment. He’s young and he sounds angry. Keep yourself safe and don’t put yourself in the firing line. Quietly step back from doing so much for him, and get on with your life. Be busy with wonderful things just for you! Is there a course you could take that requires you out of the house a couple of nights a week? Step out of the chaos is a little expression I use. And also, what I am wondering is whether there is anyone your son would speak with outside of your family unit? He may have a few issues he needs to work through. Go gently with this. Don’t beat yourself up – you haven’t wasted all your efforts. It just seems as though your son is stuck in a bad space, and it might be helpful to find out why. I hope this resolves well. Maria x
I appreciate your taking the time to respond to my post. I have withdrawn, for the most part, in the last few months. Yesterday was the most I’d said to him, I asked him to lock the back door and he started screaming that I was “freaking out” and everything is “always his fault, according to me.” Barely six words had come out of my mouth. I regret that it hurts so bad when he’s so mean, and the door slamming in my face is like getting punched in the stomach. It would be easier to understand if he had a substance abuse problem, but its only that he can’t stand me. He’s had a good life, he’s been catered to, his father has bent over backwards for him, but nothing has ever been done for him, according to him. I fantasize about getting my own place and leaving them both to each other. You were spot on, though. I’ve been a stat at home mom for most of their lives and I don’t even know how to begin. I’m terrified something will happen to my husband and I’ll be stuck forever. Boy, I have more problems than a raging 18 year old, I guess. Thanks for your time. I’m going to work on it.
I feel for you, Saimi. It’s a hard and confusing path to go down when these once-adored children of ours change their behaviour. Don’t make any sudden decisions. Just go gently with yourself and know in your heart that you did your best as a mother. No-one has the right to treat you badly. If your son’s temperament doesn’t change soon, it might be a good plan to seek some professional advice. You can’t live like this indefinitely. Do not let all this defeat you. Stay strong. Come back and let us know how you are going. Maria
Is he on adderrol ?
The last week of January 2013 all the negative thoughts were coming through to me again about how I feel about my daughter. I have a good friend that I speak to on the phone only due to the distance from each other. Once again she reminded me why I got so mad the last time I spoke to my daughter. On my 60th BD my daughter contacted me to explain the terrible times my older granddaughter had been going through. *which of course I KNEW something was amiss as I saw my granddaughter ever weekend for three years and was watching her change before my eyes, did my best to find out, no luck and due to the lack of communication was unable to tell my daughter. Mind you if I had it would have been none of my business. She also said could we just forget about everything and move on. (not my personality she didn’t just meet me yesterday) Within a couple of weeks of that statement -she called me about my oldest granddaughter that she had tried to hurt herself and took her to emergency. Then I heard nothing after that, not she was okay etc. She left me in limbo, didn’t update me at all. That is when I saw red. . Having the conversation with my friend she reminded me about reason why I got so mad. I went “thats right” I had pushed that thought from my mind. I am assuming all is well with my granddaughter now – I get the odd text from her, my youngest is now hitting that troubled age -but I do get texts from her. Thank god this is the year she has to renew her mortgage and finally I will be free from that financial burden, it would be nice to get the $20k she owes but I’m not going to hold my breath. My friend is a bit younger that my daughter -and in our conversation the other night, she said to me that my story never changes. The truth usually doesn’t. So I wanted to say that sometimes you don’t want the estrangement to lift as my life is less expensive – and just because she is my daughter does not mean I have to like her. I worry about the patients she counsels -that to me is a scary thought. Thanks again for listening -the stories on her are so similar -yet I find this site has given me the opportunity to share with with others. Bye for now
Patricia – Good to hear from you again. I’m sure there are many people on this site reading your words. Be comforted always that you are not alone. Other people understand your situation.
You made a comment about your daughter saying ‘just forget everything and move on’. My daughter said the same to me. Well No, I can’t do that. The trust has gone, and she needs to tell me what motivated her complete turnabout in personality and treatment of me. And show some remorse. Her behaviour has been dreadful. How can any of us forget the hurt dished out to us without explanation or apparent reason? Perhaps others are stronger than us and they can just ‘forget and move on’. I choose not to. I want my daughter, who was loved and nurtured by me unconditionally and with great pride, to tell me what happened. The relationship will never be the same anyway – but without proper dialogue about this estrangement, there is little hope of it ever being on safe ground. I would be living on tenterhooks waiting for the next time she wants to toss me aside. I cannot put myself in that position again. Ever. Not even for my once-loving girl.
And I agree – maybe these estrangements are best left alone. If they are meant to resolve in the best interests of all parties, then that will happen. But if there is only abuse – and financial hand-outs – then why put ourselves in that space? I loved my daughter with all my being. She sat at the centre of my life. I will always be devastated and shocked at the fact she is not interested in anything about me. And every day I miss her enormously – the girl she was; not the one she became when she married. But you know what, Patricia, I have peace now. I have learned from this and my focus to self-protect is very strong.
Go gently. Maria x
Hi Maria
The understanding that I find here is amazing. One can have so much guilt about what we did or didn’t do. Yet, the fact that our children can not find a place for us in their life is pretty sad. So your daughter said the same, and you responded as I did. Lets just forget it and move on. Actually I wanted to share with you – that I am very confident that this relationship with my daughter as a daughter is over. I truly believe in my heart that her disrespect towards me, for all of my guidance and help I gave with an open heart and mind for her to be successful is far to gone, my feelings have changed. I put her first always – and never gave unwanted advise. The reason I am writing this down today, is I had a conversation with my investor – and he is so concerned that I will help my daughter again if she can’t get her mortgage (as it is up this year)When he told me that I have withdrawn out of my RRSP’s over 90K (not all for her for sure) made me stop and go OMG. I am very good with my finances, and to think I put myself in such jepardy to be shunned is the final straw. I like coming here and will continue to read and learn from this site. Its sad, but it is so good to know that I am not alone. You take care Maria X
Hi Patricia,
No, for sure you’re not alone. And I want you to know that I take comfort from your words. Like you I (and my husband) have worked very hard to place ourselves into a comfortable financial status. We put our sons through college, helped them with two houses and we feel that we set them up to very successful and prosperous which they both are now. So, our usefulness to them seems to have ended along with them caring anything at all about our well being. I couldn’t agree with you more that being shunned is the final straw. This site has helped to bring me to this state. Yes, it’s sad that it has to be this way but I now choose to accept the situation for what it is and go on with my otherwise fabulous life. I was/am a good mother and step-mother — not perfect by any means but good all the same. I am not at all ashamed of the love and caring my husband and I bestowed upon our sons. If they hold no value for it, then so be it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I send you wishes for all the best.
Hi Lisa,
Again thanks for the feedback. I strive not blame my daughter – and I would be curious to see how she would handle a patient in stress with the same circumstances that we appear to be in. There are so many people that told my daughter that they wish they had me for a mother, standing by her. Well, those days are over. I am a single woman for a long time and there is no support from family ie 2 sisters. They all turn their head ands put them in the sand at any type of confrontation. I am what you would call the “black sheep: being as I am outspoken and determined to have respect for my accomplishments.
They only think I do wrong, is not going out and socialize, working in a stressful job, doesn’t leave me time to go out. Hard also to do at 61 to meet anyone new to maybe have a relationship with. I am not shy about saying that my daughter doesn’t talk to me and why – to anyone who ask.. I send you best wishes as well, and keeping in touch is very nice.
I think I have just found the conversations that may save me from perpetual torment. My adult son absolutely hates me. In fact he has said that he is ashamed of me. He has his demons and blames me. There is no conversation to speak of. He lives away from home for now as he is in University.
I also have an older son who tolerates me. I think both my boys have shy’d away from me I believe because I had been a very strong source in their life after their father passed away 11 years ago. Unfortunately I was a determined single mother raising two boys (they were 8 and 10 when their dad passed). I coached them in hockey and made sure that they became academically successful. I really failed in the area of ‘sensitivity’ and ‘communication’. So I guess I shouldn’t be upset that I am now being tormented for the very thing that I didn’t instill in my boys as they were growing up.
My oldest son is doing well, he is a Paramedic. My younger son is in Engineering and doing well academically but he is on a path of self destruction when it comes to drinking and drugs.
I will persevere as I don’t have any other option. I don’t try to guilt them for the lack of communication and I just sit back and let them hurt me with their short responses and lack of respect.
It does help that I am reading your posts and will continue to do so.
Thanks so much….
Message for Dina. Dina, quite a number of us keep coming back here to make sure we’re sane. It is important we share our problems and know that we are not the only ones going through whatever the issue is.
Please don’t beat yourself up for how you could have parented differently. We all do that and it’s not useful. Somehow dig deep and find that self-respect within. You matter! And try to build yourself a new life where, this time, you are the most important person in it. Oh yes, it does sound selfish but perhaps it’s about time. Your sons are both adults now and, from my own experience, there is probably little you can do to influence a change in their behaviour. Just be there for them. Don’t be walked over. And nurture yourself as though you are the most special and worthwhile person you know. I hope this sorts out soon for you. Maria x
Hi. I just found this site. I have an adult daughter who hates me? I am having such a hard time in dealing with this, as she now has 2 children (1 new born). Its a long story. If you dont mind, i would like to share it with you later on today.Thank you. Julie.
To Maria: Julie here. I am new to this sight, and sent a reply to you earlier today. I guess im not very computer smart. L.O.L. Hope i can share my story with you, as yours has helped me. Please reply if you wish. Thank you. Julie.
Hi Julie – Sorry I didn’t reply earlier. I haven’t been on the forum for a while. Please share your story here if you feel comfortable. Remember that none of us know who you are and even which country you live in. And by sharing this part of your life with us, it may help you to release some of it – and it will certainly help others. That has been my experience, just knowing others will understand. Take care. Maria x
Reading all of a few comments, and glancing through the rest, I have come to this conclusion: first, the message from Dr. Coleman is really that as parents our wear and tear and selfless devotion doesn’t end after our children become adults any more than our sleep-deprived nights when I children sleep through the night. We still have sacrifice ourselves as parents and take the high road to continue to nurture our kids so they can be emotionally capable adults. The second is this: with all our good intentions, we’ve raised an awful lot of selfish, immature people! I’m on this page now because I’m trying to navigate an obviously rapidly declining relationship with my daughter before we are estranged. Our latest escalation involved my daughter throwing a relationship in her grandmother’s face with a person who hates her grandmother and has said horribly vile, hurtful things about her. I asked my daughter not to flaunt that relationship in her grandmother’s (my mother’s) face because her grandmother is emotionally fragile right now. My daughter and I are now, for all intents and purposes, estranged at this point because of that. As I thought about this scenario this weekend, I recalled another person who hated my mother and said horrible things about her. It was my aunt. And when my aunt’s son died and she wanted to come visit me I had to tell her no. Because I lived in my mother’s house with my daughter and with everything my mother was sacrificing for me, I didn’t think it was right to have someone there, criticizing and bashing my mother in the very house she had sacrificed for me to raise my baby as a 19-year-old single mom. I felt terrible for my aunt. I felt loyal to my mom. I don’t know how I managed to fail teaching that kind of loyalty to my own children.
Thank you for this area to read about other’s issues and to vent a little about my own. I get why we (the parents) have to work the hardest at fixing an estragement – it’s what we’ve always done.
Kay,
It is what we’ve always done but for me, it has become too much of a chore. I know I’m not perfect and I never have been. We’ve all made mistakes but I’m pretty sure the mistakes I’ve made have never been life threatening or physically abusive. I’ve apologized for those over and over along with those my child believes I made. I used to beat myself up over my son and DIL’s complete disdain for me but I’ve stopped doing that ever since I came across this site. If you read back through some of my posts you’ll see that I freed myself of most of the anguish associated with my situation one day at a time. I received a call from my son on a recent birthday and it was very pleasant. No drama at all…. I don’t expect things to return to the way they were. I’ve become cautiously optimistic that we will have a good relationship again one day but I will NEVER again tolerate disrespect or just plain meanness from them. I also will no longer open up my checkbook in an attempt to “buy” their love. It didn’t work before and it won’t work now. Thanks to our assistance they are now settled into a very comfortable, successful life. I’m taking their example and doing the same. The rest of my years will have my husband and me as the priority!!! I hope you take care of you as well. Love, Lisa
Hi
I have a story too – I’ve given too much and received too little. My son seems to believe he is the center of his universe and I have recently become so tired of his behavior that I find I can no longer reach out and engage with him. Our relationship consists of me maintaining the role of supporter, listener, and helper as needed. I feel if I need something (even his company) he will let me know he is unable to reciprocate because he is too ____ (fill in the blank). . I am 60 and my Mom is 80 and together we help my 98 yo grandmother. I just had shoulder surgery and after 3 months of physical limitations my son has managed to avoid doing anything to physically help me or my mom out. This is the way it is with him and always has been. If it were one of his buddies it would be a different story. He is 33, lives in town and has had love given to him in every form…money, physical help, listening and support when he is troubled or just needs to share. Problem is ITS ALMOST ALWAYS ABOUT HIM. There is so much more to this story. So much self absorption. His judgement about all of our family members is what do they do for me.
I feel so sad about his behavior and have decided to let go. I have hung in there and always make the first move to smooth things out regardless of who was at fault. I would probably drop over dead if I ever heard the words “I’m sorry” for anything from him. I don’t know how he will ever respect me or treat me in a loving caring way if I allow things to continue as they have been.
My greatest fear is that if I sit back and wait for him to contact me it probably wont happen and we will end up “estranged”. (Unless he really needs something)
I fear him dying before me and me living with regret. Does anyone understand this fear?
Dear Kathy. I have the same fears. What if something happens to my daughter and we haven’t reconciled? The grief would be enormous.
I understand what you are saying about your son. He is still in your life from what you’ve said and you don’t want to have the estrangement that most of us here have. Rather than risk cutting the ties by talking directly with your son….maybe one approach is to quietly step back; have no expectations of him; and contact him (for example) once a week just to say Hi. Spare him the details of everyone’s life unless he asks. That is the only approach I can think of that may work. Ask him about himself and his life, and see how that goes. Lighten the load for yourself.
With my daughter, it all came unstuck when she met her husband-to-be. Suddenly I became redundant. I lived in shock for years before I came to terms with this. And now, 4 years since I have seen my once-loving girl, I choose self-respect and no more drama. At this stage of our lives, it has to be easy – and any cruelty and unkind treatment needs to be rejected. Not sure about you, Kathy, but I haven’t got the emotional stamina to go into the boxing ring every day – not really understanding why there is an enemy there. An enemy that I gave birth to! It’s exhausting.
I miss my daughter so deeply but her behaviour has been appalling.
Have a think about my suggestion above. Don’t ask anything of your son and see how that goes. I know that is not good enough and we should all be able to assume our children are there for us. But it seems, at times, they are not. Maybe your son will notice the difference in your interactions with him, and change his attitude. And maybe one day he will mature in the way we all wish for our children. Here’s hoping!
Take care, Kathy. Give yourself the priority you deserve. Maria x
Thank you so much Maria for taking the time to reply to my posting. I am going to take your advice and hope my son matures enough to value family relationships and to realize that it involves give and take. I know he loves me but seems incapable of giving of himself. Everything is always about him. He has many family members who love him but he places little or no value on it and usually recites a litany of everything that he feels is wrong with them. How sad for him.
I hear the pain in your “voice” with regard to your daughter. How does a child walk away from a parent. I don’t get it. My father is a recovered alcoholic and despite a long list of reasons to not see him I kept trying to have some relationship with him. I finally decided his problems were not mine. I decided that i loved him and so i did not want to push him away any longer. Our relationship has its limits but when he dies I will never regret the effort I made. We have had many years of time talking and visiting.
Need to do the same with my son…. Love him but have no expectations and take are of myself.
I pray that your daughter will find something within her that tells her she is losing out on a most precious relationship. God bless.
Thanks, K
Thanks K.. Not sure if this will reach you.. not too computer literate… but I do my best. My relationship changed with my
son about 6 months after he got married. Loved the girl he married, and happy he found the love of his life. We had a lot
in common and I thought everything as good.. but after they got married, my husband and I sensed a change in attitude. They
bought a house, and the message was clear.. “do not come over
uninvited.” I thought.. no problem although I felt hurt, I realize
she is younger and stamping her territory. She wants to be alpha.
and so she should… However, things have now really changed…
I’ve now been told “no emails”.. I email because they can return
my email when they have time. I was told to phone.. I’m not
comfortable phoning and if I leave a message.. they don’t hear it,
just call be back maybe.. could be a week later. Geez.. lol.. not to be
dramatic.. but I could be dead and buried. They have made it
clear that our time allowed with them is family birthday parties and events..
Christmas will always be at her mother’s home. I’m very considerate and even so I’m in the dog house for doing or saying something. I can’t believe how defensive my son has gotten. For
example I sent an email asking if they still wanted to come to
an annual get together at our home.. if they couldn’t please let
us know. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter is always her parents, so
I set up an annual day.. as something we could do once a year. The response was a phone call saying.. I dont’ have
time to answer emails.. and it annoys me that you think we don’t want to come, or it’s a duty. I buttoned my mouth, because it
does feel like it is a duty for them to come over. I asked him
nicely.. If I hadn’t emailed .. would you have remembered the date?
He said “probably not”. Anyway. I’ve really worked myself up
into a lather or this !!! I’m going to take your advice, and my
husband’s advice and just stand back and hope that he will come around and call. I honestly don’t think I would know what to say if I called.. and don’t think I can deal with the rejection. My son has
never been the greatest at personal communication… I hope I can
retrieve a reply. Wow could I relate to the exhaustion of this. I’m
65 and it’s just too much. Don’t get it.. just not what I expected.
I have no daughters.. and I just am so surprised at this whole
turnaround. I’ve been a good, non medaling MIL.. Just a little
of what has been going on in my life.. UGH and tears !! HELP.
Hi Kate, your story sounds similar to mine. I welcomed my son’s girlfriend with open arms when they moved back up to our hometown. They would stay over on weekends etc., but I started feeling used when all I seemed to be doing was cook and clean while they sat and enjoyed themselves with my daughter and her family when they would come over. I was never being involved as I was to busy preparing. When I asked for help, it was like asking them to defeat the impossible. They didn’t like it and still didn’t help out. But things started to sour as my daughter rang me up one day saying that she heard that I was going around the town saying she was a bad mother. I was horrified and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I realised it was my son’s girlfriend who was making up stories and it all went downhill from there. I tried ringing my son for his 30th birthday and he didn’t pick up. He never rang for my birthday and endless times my husband and I tried contacting him, it was fruitless. So much more has happened, but I’m mortified as I never in my wildest dreams would ever think I would lose contact with my son. He is making up stories as well, so as to protect his girl. I’m missing my 4yr old grandson and we found out they were expecting while we discovered that our 14yr old daughter was on facebook when she wasn’t allowed and she had been lying to us for those months as well. She was poisoning my daughter’s mind as well. I’m so confused and frustrated, I just can’t believe what such a big mess it all is and at the end of the day, it is just complete petty ****.
Kathy,
You have a valid and very real fear but think about what exactly you would regret. You wouldn’t regret anything you have or haven’t done. You would regret that your son chose to treat you badly. There is very little you can do about that. For whatever reason your son doesn’t see himself as responsible for caring about anyone but himself and he sees you as a provider of that which HE needs. At his age, it is likely futile to expect anything different. If it remains an ordeal to keep in contact with him then do it on a limited basis. Send him some nice “thinking of you” cards with nice, sincere notes in them. The key is not to expect anything and you won’t be disappointed — Much like Maria L. says. This is apparently a different generation. They are not like us in that when the time came, we took care of our parents, our roles king of reversed. I don’t expect that to happen and to be honest, I don’t want my son (and especially my DIL) to take care of me. My husband feels the same. If something happens to my son before I pass away, I will definitely mourn the loss. What mother wouldn’t? But I will not regret the choice I’ve made to let HIM live his life as he sees fit even if that means it doesn’t include me a whole lot. I hope this helps you. Love, Lisa
Dear Lisa
Thank you so much for your insight, understanding and advice. You are so right that he is an adult and will live his life as he sees fit. Perhaps I have never acknowledged that to myself. Instead I have struggled to make things different and set myself up for disappointment time and time again.
I need to let go especially with regard to expectations and take care of myself. I hope that the love you have shared with others comes around to you. Thank you again. K.
I am estranged from my parents because my mother would beat me while drunk. She physically abused me & my sister for years. Along with emotional abuse too. Calling me nasty names. I rarely remember my mother being loving. My father was silent, defending us seldom. My mother lies about so much. Sometimes it’s just stupid what she lies about. It’s embarrassing because everyone in the room knows its exaggeration. She grabbed my breasts once and told me to cut them off since I was a lesbian. She has done such hurtful and embarrassing things to me. I’ve had to get myself on track with self help. I’ve also had chemical therapy & psychiatric help. It’s caused me a lot of grief. I am married of two years and recently found out we are pregnant with our first baby.
I chose not to have them in my life.
The last conversation I had with my dad, I hung up on him. I had thought about taking some blame away from my parents. I had a difficult situation regarding being raped. I thought maybe a lot of anger I had for them stemmed from the rape. I was 17 at the time and felt angry because my parents would have been angry with me for the event. I was angry because I didn’t trust my alcoholic abusive mother to help me. My dad said ” you mean to tell me you did all 1084 E. Turquoise Way Sandy 84094 just because you were raped?!” I was sharing something with him. Something I thought could have been talked about further. Instead he made me feel like it was my own stupid fault in the first place. I’m 27 now and I told him this 2 yrs ago. It was so critical of him to be there for me.
I have received counseling and I educate myself often. I wondered if I was crazy all those yrs because my dad & mom told me it didn’t happen. Well it did. The woman locked me in a shed when I was 5 yrs old, she abused me really bad. It’s not just some out of the blue thing. I don’t want to face my abuser any longer. The relationship is awkward. She never said sorry to me. I never expect that and learned to move on. My relationship with my parents is far to painful for me. The worst part is, my sister has a relationship with them and frequently talks about me to them. I’ve had to deal with so many emotions & issues & face bad habits. The bottom line is they abused me severely.it was a painful childhood and teen hood. One of constant ridicule and bombardment of privacy. I just wanted to share why I chose estrangement. I can’t even say I’d want them around. I can’t handle her attitudes. I’m almost considering not telling them about my pregnancy. I see 1/5 of me says to tell them and maybe they will change, but my therapy has taught me to stop expecting that. I’m not some bad kid who blames her issues on her parents. I’ve come a long way in healing. I just don’t see how a mother could do something so horrible to her babies. It’s disgusting how I was treated. Sometimes she’d make me eat off the floor!! I did my chores. I had lots of them. I never talked back. I never snuck out, no drugs although my father smoked weed with us in the same room. I never even drank until I was out on my own. My sister shoplifted and stole money, she talked back a lot and went behind my moms back with my dad to get birth control. I just felt too much anger.
Sorry for the typos. I meant I told my dad & he said ” you mean to tell me your angry just because you were raped?!”
Sarah,
Your parents should be prosecuted and thrown in jail for what they did to you. It is certainly easy to understand why you don’t want them in your life. I truly wish that you somehow achieve the fortitude to deal with this and that someday, somehow you find peace and love in your life.
Love, Lisa
Dear Sarah – your story is heartbreaking. You have a genuine reason to feel betrayed by the very people who brought you into the world. You deserved to be safe and you weren’t. You now have the opportunity to create wonderful memories of your own, for you and your family. Family are the people who treat you well. Never again will you accept abuse from anyone. Sarah, I pray you are safe now and attract only the very best that life has to offer. Take care. Maria x
My husband and I have been estranged from our son, 21, for three months. Are there any success stories in which after a period of estrangement, the child came back into the parents’ lives?
Our son is showing such a disappointing lack of character these days. It’s a virtual display of amnesia for the love we showered him with for years and the support we gave him, despite the challenges he put us through during his teen years. He’s also being influenced by an older girlfriend who’s apparently convinced that we’re a negative force in their lives. She is uneducated, already been through one brief marriage, and has had just enough therapy to be sure of her convictions about what constitutes healthy relationships, and to know that we’re not good for them. She brings a lot of drama and he’s smitten.
We’ve reached out on a number of occasions, and finally indicated that we will respect that he’s not yet ready to rebuild a relationship with us. My husband is disgusted with our son and prepared for this to take time. I worry that the rift will grow with time.
I’m looking for some ‘best practices’ here… Does anyone have strategies that have been used successfully for mending such relationships. Thanks.
Hi Reece – I am so sorry to read of your son’s changed attitude towards you. You must feel very hurt and bewildered – like most of us here. When you ask for advice, I wonder where Joshua Coleman is. This is his forum – his name and photo at the top – but I can’t recall him ever responding to anyone on here. I suggest there is a duty of care by him to show interest in people’s questions and outpourings. So Reece, I hope on this occasion he offers you a best practice or two.Advice from an expert may guide you.
My own suggestion is to step back for a while until you see the situation more clearly. Don’t get caught up in the panic and drama (like I did!). Go quietly and listen to your instincts. Be guided more strongly by those than anything else. I was so devastated by my daughter’s behaviour that I tried everything to fix it. Everything I did seemed to give her more power. I must have looked and sounded desperate to keep her in my life. And that of course boosted her own position and her behaviour towards me worsened.
So my advice – based on no research, just my experience – is go gently with yourself. Loosen the ties with your son and step back until the fog lifts. Don’t say very much right now. Nurture yourself like you never have before and keep the rest of your life simple and easy. All our children know somewhere in their hearts that we love them and the door remains open should they change their behaviour. But there has to be respect. If my daughter changes her views about me (which I pray she does) then the relationship will have boundaries and conditions this time. I will not be treated badly by anyone – especially my once-loving daughter who seems to have reinvented the story of her life.
I hope this path is easy for you. Stay strong. Maria x
Dear Reece,
I remember so clearly being at the stage you are now. The hurt is still new and fresh and still so painful. It was at that time that I found this site. Your son is relatively young and likely very impressionable. It sounds as though he is being heavily influenced by his girlfriend and like it or not, you’ll have to accept that for now. You know which “brain” he is thinking with right now so just keep your fingers crossed that this too shall pass. In the meantime, as Maria L says, step back from it. It’s hard. Your husband is disgusted and you’re just plain hurting. Give him the space that he believes he wants right now. Take this time to “repair” your broken heart. Start to enjoy things with your husband and prepare to go about your life without your son in it. This is a decision your son made so he has to live with it as well and right now you have no control over that decision. You only have control over your own life. It’s difficult but if you take one day at a time you’ll find you have the strength to do this most especially since you have a supportive husband. That’s the situation I have. I can tell you from my own experience that once I backed off trying to get my son’s “forgiveness” and stopped tolerating his awful treatment of me, things turned around bit by bit. If you read through some of my posts, you’ll see that I had great resolve to accept the situation as it was and I was able to get to the point where it no longer occupied my every waking moment. I set out to appreciate all of the other numerous good things about my life. I recently had a milestone birthday and guess what!!! I received a call from my son. We had a very nice, 30 minute conversation and we got “caught up” with things going on in our lives. I believe it rather surprised him over this last year or so that I stopped begging him to love and respect me and by doing that I showed him that no matter what I will always retain my self respect. I don’t think the rift between you and your son will grow with time. I believe your husband is right to prepare for this to take a good bit of time. But hopefully your son will see that Ms. Wonderful is not the end all authority and he will seek the path back into your lives. I’m sorry I went on but I had to share the fact that stepping back not only helped me come to terms with my situation, it likely was the solution to my son coming to his senses as well. I hope you have the same results and that these issues are resolved for you soon. Grasp as much other happiness as you can. Love, Lisa
Having been in this horrible situation myself, I found the best thing to do is instead of holding on to all the pain they have caused you and how bad they have treated you, to stop and ask what have I done to hurt them? It is very hard to admit we too make mistakes. Whatever they feel for the one in their life, it is their decision and if they are happy with that person, you must shut your mouth, no bad talk of that person, just see the good in her and talk face to face as to how your sorry you hurt them. Promise yourself you will not walk down the road where you say.. i did all this for you..what did you do for me. If you think that way, you may as well kiss them good-bye.
My adult daughter has turned her back on all of her family on both sides. She is highly successful and gave birth to our grandson a year ago. She left us all out of everything including his first birthday. She is a bully who uses her son as “the ball” and controls everyone with him. Our son in law does not agree with her and is on verge of divorcing her because he feels strongly about having all of us in our grandchilds life. She is a very sad, pitiful person who has so forgotten all the wonderful things we experienced in our life with her from vacations to me being her girl scout leader and cheerleader coach to the extravagant wedding and the help with college and buying her first home…I only hope someday she feels the same pain and maybe someone will treat her the same way…I WASH MY HAND OF HER.
JC – I agree with your approach. Let go. You need to take of yourself and step out of the drama. You’re probably like me – if my daughter came back into my life and communicated fully and with respect, then of course I would welcome her back with open arms. But in the meantime, I choose to survive and to live my life as though I matter! And we all matter. This is not just about them. Yes, they have short memories, JC. Go forth and reinvent yourself. You did your best and, for whatever reason, that wasn’t enough for your daughter. Same for mine. One day they will understand. Maria x
Dear JC,
Your hurt truly comes out in your post. My heart goes out to you. Our stories are similar in that my ES chooses to remember his childhood as a horrible experience and he and his wife seem to choose to forget how much my husband and I helped them become the successful couple they now are. Each day I become almost fascinated by the disdain they hold for us. But all the same, it no longer rules my life. I have also washed my hands of any attempt to “fix” this and I have closed up my checkbook. I don’t wish this pain on them in the future but I still get sad at the fact that they just might realize the true situation too late. You take care of you. You have the right idea!! Love, Lisa
I am glad I found this sight. Next month will be one year since I spoke to or laid eyes on my oldest son. And one year and six months since I saw my only grandchild. I struggle deperately with feeling like I am such a horrible person that my own son doesn’t have anything to do with me. He is the product of a shocking divorce. Dad walked out for girlfrind when he as 15. Not much attention from his dad…trouble followed with a lot of anger. Right when all of that was happening, I was diagnosed with a totally blocked abdoninal aorta they told my husband at the time was catistrific. He didn’t care and preceeded with the divorce, so there I was having dated his dad 9 years the married 18 at 41 years old, no family in the state, both parents passed awayand in fight of my life at age 41. Fighting for my kids, my finances and my home No, I probably didn’t do everything right. But I did the best I could. Story sounds the same, center of my world, 9 years of baseball practice, football soccar, karate, gituar lessons, most expensive BMX bikes, skate boards and roller blades and on and on and on. His father married his girlfriend a week after our divorce was final and they pulled out all he stops not to pay child support etc. Then finally, my son came around. He asked if he and his girlfrind could move in. I wouldn’t let him bring his girlfriend as his younger brother was still in high school and I did feel it appropriate. Then he annoynced he was execting a baby with her. I gave in allowed them to move in with me. Might I mention I was laid of after 23 years at the space center and was only receiving unemployment at the time. Anyway, they moved in in Januray 2011 and my little grandsone was born March. I feed them, housed them, helped them care for that baby as if he was my own. (she was 18 year old drop out without a drivers license). I finally got a job 2 hours away and made n arrangements with them to stay here with my youngest son and all they had to do was pay utilities approx 200.00 per month, after they lived here for 6 months with them paying nothing. It was pure hell the during every week while I was gone. She had my son call me to tell my youngest son was using Hot water to wash cloths and that would run the bill up. I didn’t get a minutes piece and within a month and prior to them paying one bill, it can to a head, she got mad and left. He followed. That was it. I had to quit my new job and come home. I have been under employed every since. Then I learned they got married even though, he pomised me they wouldn’t. Lord knows I am not perfect, I admit that, but there is something fundamentally wrong with not being able to see your son and grandson and share in their life. It is the cruelest thing one could do. I didn’t murder anyone, or hit anyone, or kidnap their son. I loved them and did right by them. My youngest son has occasion to see them at holidays. If I ask my youngest son any questons, you can tell he is uncomfortable. After the death of my parents and my surprise divorce, nothing compairs to having the joy in your life ripped away. I am devistated everyday. I don’t know what to do. I gave up trying to contact him and I too send simple cards for the holidays. I send my grandson gifts and take pictures of each present and place t in a book, every card I buy him, I buy two. One I mail to him, the other I mail to him in care of me which I put in that same book. I want him to know one day how very much I loved him. Heart broken does not discribe the pain I feel even today, nearly a year later. Is there anyone on here that can say one day they will see the big picture and remember how much they were loved and how very difficult it was for me to mearly survive everything I have been through over the past 7 years.
What has happened to an entire generation of kids? When I say that, I don’t literally mean the entire generation, but this is far too common to be a coincidence. I truly feel our kids were taught by society (i.e. teachers, society, parents) that they are the single most important person in the world. Everything revolved around the, from the beginning. My parents didn’t have time to be running me around to all kinds of organized sports, school, or social events. If I couldn’t get there, I didn’t go. My mom didn’t drive, and my dad worked 3 jobs at one time. Yet I loved my parent’s dearly, was never disrespectful (other then some silly time during the teens years,) and had a wonderful relationship with them up till the day they died.
I never expected them to bow to me, like my estranged son seems to think I should be doing (or we.) It’s one drama after the other, with constant rehashing of perceived hurts. It doesn’t matter how many apologies there has been, it just goes on and on.
It does hurt, and that hurt doesn’t got away. I think just as in the loss of my parents, I am moving on but at a much slower pace then when they passed away. My parents didn’t choose to die, which is easier for me to accept. My son has chosen to do what he has done, and that hurts deeper then any natural or unnatural death. It’s the choice that drives the knife in so deep, because we know how much love there was and wonder how could they cut things off and be so cruel?
Sometimes it makes me think I should’ve just been the most neglectful parent on earth since the end result couldn’t be any worse.
It’s beyond comprehension, but it is something to do with how they were treated and raised as children. No last place teams, no c grades, no red marks on the report cards, nothing negative. Lots of praise whether they deserved it or not. It’s as if they really believe they are the greatest thing that has ever walked the earth, that they are better then we are, and they convince themselves they deserve better then what we are giving them.
I wonder if some day they will be lonely? I can picture a deep, dark despair one day when they realize that they wasted the years their parents were alive by setting unrealistic expectations and demands of them. Despair so deep at realizing they can’t get us back once we’re gone, and they have no one to blame but the person they see in the mirror. What a sad life that would be. I’d rather be dead then think of suffering like that over having wasted my life not seeing my parents due to my own selfish acts.
As it is, I realize how much more time I wish I had had with my parents and I saw them all the time.
I could’ve written your words exactly!! I also miss my parents desperately and I so wish my son would feel about his parents the way I felt about mine. In addition to loving them dearly I really LIKED those two people. My husband and I used to have a lot of fun with our son and DIL. It seems to have changed over night and at times it still makes my head spin. Your words really hit home with me in wondering about loneliness for my son when we are gone. I wonder if he’ll miss us since he doesn’t seem to miss us now. I don’t know.
I do know that after about a year, I’m on the other side of daily pain thinking about this. I’m far too fortunate in other areas of my life to let my son’s choices ruin it. He along with this wife have chosen to live with little to no interaction with us. I can’t even say that they “expect” anything from us because they just seem to not really want anything from nor do they really CARE anything about us. It’s as though they’ve gotten everything from us that they want or need and now they’re “done” with us.
Guess what……. We’re done with them also. I don’t mean to say that we never want to see them again….. Far from it!!! We’re done shelling out money to help them out. They’re very successful and doing well financially so we decided that we’ll no longer write big checks to them for birthdays, holidays, etc. It got to feel to us like we were trying to “buy” their love. Instead, we send loving cards with sincere handwritten notes from us. It seems to have worked well for us.
I hope you also find some kind of resolution to your baffling situation as well. Like I always say……. take one day at a time and the hurt may eventually subside or at least not occupy your whole life. Take care and love, Lisa
Hi Lisa,
You and Maria always comment such truths and it is so nice to come on this site and read your thoughts. After finding this site – it so helped me to get to the other side of this mess. in my mind. I felt so much guilt, and what did I do so wrong, and really, it had nothing to do with me. So thanks so much.
Patricia – I’m glad you are finding support here. There is nothing as helpful as sharing a problem. Like you, I blamed myself fully for my daughter tossing me aside. And it wasn’t until I came on here that the guilt started to dissipate. I was a loving parent, my daughter was safe and loved, and if she can’t remember all those happy memories – then that is something she has to live with.
These situations may have no answers for us right now. But in the meantime, let’s all confuse the hell out of our poorly-behaved offspring: loosen the grip, stop showing so much interest, and get on with our own lives. They do not deserve to be at the centre of our thinking. Doesn’t that sound deliciously selfish?! And that’s exactly my mindset now. I choose not to beg for a crumb of kindness and respect, and I do not want to be part of ongoing drama and emotional turmoil.
Grab the peace wherever you see it, Patricia. And do not feel any guilt. This is your life. Maria x
Thank you Patricia. This site helped me get to where I am and I am so at peace with it. Yes, my heart still hurts at times because I love my son very much and so does his Father. But, I’ve come to know that it is what is and who knows, maybe someday it will improve.
You take care of you!!! Love, Lisa
This January is moving along very smoothly. The self doubt has gone – and I refuse to let it run me. My life is very self sufficent, have had 2 long term jobs 1 for 14 years and now my current job is 12 years. NO anwer still for my July 2012 letter requesting a monthly payment of any kind, and as I write this -nothing. I am a great beliver in Karma – and this will come back to my daughter and haunt her. I should share that my sister tried to tell me when she saw my daughter , she could see the need she had for me and missed me, which of course would be true. But actions speak much more than words, and that is what will be the healng process for me- but I feel that there has been such a shift in how I feel about her, that wanting this financial burden gone from my life is at the top of my list. Mending the relationship with her is not at all a priority -she is now a 44 year old woman and should know what she is about.-
But I feel awesome, and enjoy this site – to know that we are not alone. Love Pat
Hey Lisa,
Maybe start posting in the forum as well.
Thanks. Chris
Pat,
I’m so glad to hear you’re moving forward as well as you are. It’s very uplifting to me as well!!! You go Girl!!! Love, Lisa
Your words ring so true. I was ill treated as a child by my father and I still showed respect to others no matter what. Like you, I never got to do sporting things etc., I just stayed on the farm with my brothers and sister and made our own fun up. I think it has alot to do with society today, with all the new technology and violence as such on games and T.V. and it is all acceptable as it’s allowed to make us perceive it to be.
I teach children and we are not allowed to discipline in the way we were disciplined. But the students have every right to say what they want to us and not be in trouble for it. They are getting away with blue murder. I was always there for my children and instilled good morals into them, so I thought. It’s like as if the World owes them something.
There are endless reasons, or a combination of reasons for the estrangement, but the bottom line is the estranged parent is shocked, numb, sad, angry, disappointed, dismayed, cannot believe that this has happened to them, depressed to the point of not being able to function, and even suicidal. It feels like your child has died. But you know they are alive and just not available to you anymore.
This is exactly how I feel. My daughter was recently married in Hawaii and after we all returned we had some words about the holidays and since then (10 weeks) she has refused to speak to me.
I am sad, numb, mad, shocked and very depressed.
I cry just about everyday. I think about taking her pictures down because it is just too painful sometimes to look at them.
Some days I simply cannot function.
I will never understand it.
Hang on tight, dear Laura. You are important in this world. This is not just about your daughter. Ride it out as best you can, and try not to enter the drama circle. If you are in any doubt about what to say to your daughter, in order to understand, then say nothing for a while until you get some clarity. Nurture yourself in the meantime. Bubble baths. Chocolate. Whatever it takes to make you feel well. Regarding the photos, I put all my framed photos away in a box. I can’t look at them for now. We are all different – so listen to your body. If you don’t feel comfortable with the photos around you, tuck them away until you do. Look after yourself. And treat every day separately. Keep on going. It may be a rocky road for a while but remember this: You can do it. Stay strong. Hug from Maria x
Laura,
Something happens after they marry. I’m convince of it. I’m not just trying to find someone other than myself to blame but as I have read through these posts over the last year or so, there is a common thread. It doesn’t always happen immediately after they marry but it’s not too long after — 3 years in my son’s case. The holidays or any other special occasion that requires some give and take on the newly joined families also seems to be a point of contention. Son or daughter, they just don’t know what the proper amount of compromise should be. When I saw signs of that in my situation, my husband and I tried to be as agreeable as possible. We are the ones who compromised to make things easier on everyone involved. That didn’t seem to be enough. We seem to get left out of more and more until we’re lucky to get to spend a few hours with them over the holidays and they only live about an hour away from us. Day by day I came to the realization that in our sons’ eyes, we are not of any great importance to them or their lives. That was emancipating in a way but still hurtful. It always will be but I’ve learned to live with it since I can’t change it. All I can do is make the best of my life with my wonderful husband. My son called me on my last birthday and we had a nice chat but I don’t know that things will ever be really good between us again. In fact, my stepson did also…… Needless to say neither DIL got on the phone. It will remain puzzling to me but it no longer occupies my mind day in day out. Stay strong and try to realize that you’re not alone in this. We’re all here to support one another in this lousy situation and we do all provide a lot of understanding. Love, Lisa
This is exactly how I am feeling. Isn’t it horrible to feel this way. I have picked my old favourite book up that I have had for years, I call it my bible. It’s called “The Seat of the Soul” by “Gary Zukav”. I am feeling a bit better as I begin to read it and it’s starting to flood back to me, that at the end of the day it will be O.K. it just will. Also I like to share with one phrase is….with any form of loss, hardship or what ever, it is necessary to feel for spritual growth….this is so true!!!!
I too have a sad story. This involves my Son. My Husband and I always had behavior issues with him growing up. We raised him in the house with a special needs medically fragile child We did the best we could for him, but it was never good enough. He has been in and out of our life since he left for College. We never know what will set him off. He is married no kids doesn’t want them. DIL has never had anything to do with us. We weren’t invited to the wedding and had to handle that with dignity and grace. We had for a while and tense and unpleasant relationship with him several years after the wedding. Last month he flew off the handle over something we had no control over. We got dumped again. I got brave and sent him a heart to heart e-mail. Haven’t heard back and probably won’t. I am so so sad about this. I am having trouble dealing with this, but now know I’m not alone. I pray for all of us to heal
Abbie
This is an interesting forum that has allowed me to re-examine my own behavior and situation in various ways, and for that, I am grateful. However, your (blog’s owner) responses are clearly biased toward the children of the relationship with no regard to the simple fact that parents are fallable, growing beings as well. No parent is perfect, but not all children are not completely void of responsibility in the parent/child relationship. Being a trained professional requires you to acknowledge this. Please, these people are clearly in pain; make an effort to be more unbiased. Wishing you the best in the new year.
Thank you so much for saying that!
Hi Everyone. I haven’t posted on here for a while but I have been reading through all of your most recent posts. Estranged Daughter (I believe) has posted before and tries to insert her own situation into all of ours as parents……. ED, believe me my situation is nothing like yours with your Mother. This time last year my husband and I were getting ready to celebrate the holidays at the end of 2011 which was a fabulous year for our family. We had gone on a wonderful vacation all together (In-Laws included), we gathered up to receive the joyful news of a granddaughter on the way, we helped the “kids” with the purchase of a bigger home to accommodate their growing family and we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas all together. In January of 2012, our DIL asked if we wanted to come with her for another ultra-sound and we gladly did so. She indicated though that we couldn’t stay at their house for this visit. I was a bit taken aback by that but said nothing. We made reservations at a B&B near them along with dinner reservations for that evening. 30 minutes passed and they hadn’t arrived.. I was getting worried so I called. Our son told us his wife wasn’t feeling well so they wouldn’t make it. I expressed my disappointment, sent well wishes and said we would stop by their house the next day after we finished up some plans. The next day while my husband and I were out and about, I found that my DIL had posted the fact that she and my son had dinner reservations for that night. It was obvious we weren’t included… no biggie. As we finished up with what we were doing, I called to see if we could stop by to see them before they went to dinner. My son shouted at me for trying to make him and his wife feel guilty for wanting an evening to themselves. And that’s where all of this started. I apologized and tried to assure him that this was certainly not my intent. And this is where and how it all started. I cried and stressed about it for months until I found this website. I was at a complete loss as to how to handle this. I truly had no idea anyone else was experiencing this same thing. Many of you have specific, concrete situations or outside factors that have caused estrangement with your children but like me, many of you have no earthly clue as to what has caused them to “turn” on you. I sure can’t figure out what happened. What I’ve gained from this website though is strength and support. This horrible situation no longer dominates my every waking hour. My husband and I decided to make a new beginning with each other. Our sons and grandchildren will always be welcome in our lives but we no longer live in limbo hoping they’ll call wanting to get together with us. We send them birthday and holiday cards but for now, they no longer contain the huge checks they used to. That’s not to say we’re punishing them, we’re not. We decided that we are not going to try to buy their love and consideration and we are making preparations for our own well being in our retirement.
So with this post, I send to all of you sincere wishes for a peaceful, content Holiday and all the best in the New Year. I hope that 2013 brings you all some comfort either with resolution to your issues or with knowing that you’re not alone in this and that you’re still worthwhile, valuable people in someone’s life if not your childrens’ lives.
Thanks to all of you who have helped me get to this point “one day at a time.” I could not have gotten here without you. For the New Year, I will raise a toast to you!!! Love, Lisa
Lisa,
Apparently you did not read my post very carefully, as is evidenced by your need to lash out at me. First of all, I would like to clarify that I have not posted here before, the person you are referring to identified herself as “EstrangING Daughter,” and is a 29 year old woman… I am 49 years old with children of my own. I find your presumptuousness is offensive. Secondly, I am not trying to “insert” my situation anywhere, I was simply trying to point out to parents that even under the worst circumstances, adult children are reluctant to cut off their parents. There are always signs, your adult child HAS tried to tell you that you are overstepping boundaries, yet you have chosen to ignore them… perhaps because it is to painful/embarassing for you to admit it to yourself. But refusing to acknowledge your part in the estrangement will only prolong it. Unfortunately, that is what many of you choose to do. You are right, my situation is nothing like yours… I have never accepted financial assistance from either of my parens (who btw have been divorced for over 25 years). Quite the contrary, I have attempted to ease my mother’s financial burden since she is retired on a fixed income, which has gone largely unappreciated.
I am sure that there are some adult children who have been brought up to be selfish and think only of their own needs, wants and desires… in which case, the parents have brought this problem on themselves. But I am fairly confident that the vast majority of children who have made the painful decision to estrange themselves from their parents have done so as a last resort because their parents refuse to allow them to be adults and live their own lives in the way they see fit and want to continue to treat them as children and continue to insert themselves into their every move.
I was not/am not perfect and have never claimed to be. But I know in my heart that I have never deliberatly done anything to hurt my mother. My mother has done some nice things for me in the past, but never without strings attached. Any assistance or favor ever rendered always had a price, and that price was usually her interference in some decision about my life. I have never been allowed to do anything on my own without criticism, constructive or otherwise, and I have certainly never lived up to my mother’s expectations. So at the age of 47, I had to finally walk away or forever be under “mommy’s” thumb.
Once again, I attempted to reach out to my own mother on Christmas Eve… I sent my husband over with a small gift of homemade goodies and some firewood. No thank you, no inquiries about her two grandchildren, nothing. So… I tell all of you as an adult child… I have spent the last three years grieving for the relationship that I have never had and never will have with my mother. And I say again, look inside yourself and you will find at least half of the answer.
I am wondering what were the “strings” your mother attached? Obviously she didn’t contribute financially. Can you name the 20 worst things she has done to you? I find it very ironic that you say”again I tried to reach out to her…..I sent my husband over with cookies” …..Sorry young lady, but to me a 72 year old mother with an estranged daughter……..I do not think her husband and cookies could make any impression at all. Truthfully, I think it is a slap in the face. Just saying. I don’t know how “mentally sharp” your mother is….Sometimes it is very easy for the elderly to cover up their forgetfulness, their agitation, depression, fear of dying, loss of self, etc. And never mind, the guilt we carry around KNOWING that PROBABLY we made you the way you are. Sounds like you are leaving out the real problem. Just saying !!
Estranged Daughter. I am sorry to hear that you and your mother are not in each other’s lives. And secondly, don’t go on the defensive because Lisa (on this forum) had the courage to write to you. If you read Lisa’s writings you will hear that she is a decent person, and certainly doesn’t deserve a smack on the wrist by you. She is one of the few who has the decency and care to comment on so many people’s outpourings. And her words are supportive and kind.
Regarding your mother, how sad for you – and all the other estranged daughters/sons out there – that you place little value on the good times: the love, care, nurturing, laughter, sacrifice, that I hope was bestowed on you without conditions. Was your upbringing that bad? I’m so tired of the disrespect I read and hear from our offspring, for relatively minor mattters. Unless you were physically abused and neglected, then just stop it. If the former was the case, then I am very sad for the loss of your childhood. And I sincerely hope you have found peace with having such bad parenting. If your mother did abuse you, then I agree: step away. Protect yourself. But if not, just stop and think about your harsh attitude. I am not saying that this is the case with you – because I don’t know your story – but what an ungrateful lot of offspring so many of us have brought into the world. There seems to be an extraordinary ease with which parents are tossed aside for, what appears to be, not behaving according to the rules of their children. I never had rules for my parents. They weren’t perfect but I respected them for the good people they were. It would never enter my head to have treated them so poorly. ED, I am not judging you as every story is different. But if there is any chance of softening your attitude towards your mother, do it before it’s all over. As you get older, the memories and regrets will face you – as they do with all of us. Have no regrets about your relationship with your mother. Fix it if possible, and treat her as though she was the person who gave you life. I wish you well, ED. Maria xx
To Maria,
That is well said. My 50 old daughter’s vision is clouded by drugs (pain meds and now suboxone) BUT she is lucid and we (me her mother and her siblings) have , after some of her usual rantings and lashing out at us, decided to ignore ignore ignor. If this means we cut the ties and I cut the apron strings, so be it. I have watched almost 3 decades of her ups and downs . This last lashing out at all of us asking her to get into rehab has put distance between her sisters and me. We stand by our choice, rehab or isolation from us. She has a co dependent husband (with plenty of $$$) and three grown children who have never left home. She forces her husband to support them all. Sometimes, it is actually a much needed rest to finally be able to detatch yourself from a child who continues to break your heart. Does she throw my not so great past in my face….? Oh yes, but I say GET OVER IT. My parents had their faults. But they gave me this life and for any pain I may have ever caused them, I think of it every day. Again, if my daughter should send her husband with cookies as her way of reaching out…….that would be an insult. So to estranged daughter….my advice to you is to honor your mother, and get over these riduculous reasons you think you have to not do every thing possible to mend fences before it is too late.
Maria L and Pam,
I didn’t respond to ED’s diatribe on me because I view this particular site/forum as a place for parents to articulate their own situations and express their pain bestowed upon them by their children for seemingly invalid reasons. I also had the hope that perhaps she felt better after writing that to me. Who knows? I sincerely thank the both of you for “coming to my defense” and I really appreciate your kind words. I truly mean it when I say that this forum has given me the fortitude to view my situation as something unfortunate that has happened to me and not the result of something horrible that I did. For the most part I am in the company of some awesome people who also had the misfortune of having their sons or daughters begin to disrespect them, treat them badly and ultimately just cut ties with them for no justifiable reason. They sometimes don’t even afford us the courtesy of conversation to try to work on these “issues.” Still comments like those from ED tend to momentarily cause the self doubt to return and make me wonder, “What on earth did I do?” Then, I read postings from wonderful people like yourselves and I quickly realize……. I’m on the right track here. I send you both big hugs and keep the hope that our situations change one day. Love, Lisa
OMG thanks for that. I recently had a situation like this and it was not the first time being “punished” for something insignificant. It strikes me as odd that our adult children are so quick to judge. Mine recently decided (after inviting us for the holiday) to uninvite us (just 24 hours before the event). No explanation – no reason – just she made other plans. It wasn’t until later that we found out we had – again – done something so aggregious that she decided we would not see our grandkids for the holiday or her. I am so tired of apologizing. Every time she speaks her mind it is ok, but let someone else and they suffer with her not speaking to them. It is hard to even try and figure out what your “alleged crime”is when the person won’t speak to you. Not too enlightening. My daughter is harsh when it comes to me and very unforgiving. She always says she has moved past something, yet I feel she never moves past anything and at nearly 40 she continues to act like a petulant child of 14. I just don’t want to surround myself with people who are always going to make the relationship conditional and on their terms only. She always feels free to speak her mind and opinion, but if you do the same, she is quick to tell you how wrong you are and that you are “hurting her” by not agreeing with her. I always thought relationships move in two ways and that it is not really much of a relationship if it is one sided.
Keep the bad people out, Bad Mommy! That was very rude of your daughter to cancel the holiday plans with such short notice. This is some form of power play which is unacceptable. I recognise it from my own daughter’s behaviour towards me. Yes, it sounds like it is on her terms – like so many of us here have experienced. Take back your power. Quietly and strongly. Refuse to play the game.
I hung around in my daughter’s space for way too long. Hoping for a change. Looking for an answer. Wanting to know what it was I had done. Waiting for a sign that she would revert back to the young woman I knew. None of that happened. And the mental torment created havoc that flowed through every day. No more. I choose to like myself – and if other people don’t, then let them get on with their own lives.
I still find this whole situation mind-bending. Why have so many adult children flicked their parents off onto the scrap heap? None of us on this forum sound like no-hopers. I don’t read any evidence of abuse or addictions or neglect when they raised their families. The writings come from a place of deep sadness and bewilderment. So where did this shocking behaviour come from? Sometimes there are no answers in life. In the meantime, I have stepped out of the chaos. I can’t change the situation with my daughter. And I can’t seem to influence a change. So I am safer on the outside for now. Every day I say a little prayer for her that she is healthy, safe and happy. And then I live my day as I want to. Putting myself first! Should have done that decades ago. My advice to any new parents would be – never lose yourself in the process of raising your family. Sounds as though too many of us did that. Ok, Bad Mommy, stand tall. Smile. Look as though you have a secret of great happiness. And find that peace that is so elusive when confronted with nastiness. Take care. Maria x
Bad Mommy (I doubt that)
Oh yes, the apologizing for and the crying over things that were not made clear to me…. I was just ready to admit to whatever if it put me back into the good graces of our ES……. So stupid of me. Like you, Maria L, Pat, Pam, Joey’s Mom and countless others I not only felt mental anguish but the physical toll it took on me was unbelievable. I’m so grateful to have gotten way on the other side of both. My husband and I are immensely enjoying life and each other. We’re happily plotting out our plans for retirement. This feeling of emancipation is truly amazing to me and it gets better every day. I hope you get to that same point if you’re not already. Take one day at a time and the happiness will return. Love, Lisa
Once again, I am struck by the similarities of stories and appreciated the comment from the estranged daughter. What confuses me the most about this estrangment from my daughter is based on her giving me her word as I wanted a written agreement- if she took my my financial help but no she said her word was good. . As Nancy said above – her friend saying about her daughter “she has always treated you like that” I also had come to that realization that I was only ever a bank -that the hard work I did to be able to help her meant nothing. I got so mad 8 months ago -and spoke my mind and totally ruined the relationship with her. And sadly – it was the first time truly that I said how unhappy I was with how she was treating me. in this situation. In 4 years she has made no effort to pay (nor talk to me)- and has now decided that I am narcissist (had to look that word up) and she always had to please me. I lived 3,000 miles away from the time she moved out at 18 until she was 34. -She has and was making all her own decisions, so I thought – and I did pride myself on letting her tell me how she felt with very little feedback from me. When she did decide to make a big chane she asked me for a big financial commitment I was very clear that there was a big assessment coming on my condo so she this time needed to pay me on a monthly basis. However she may feel about me as a mother, should not be an issue towards the financial commitement. She is in a committed relationship since the purchase of the home so there is not struggle other than mentally for her to pay me and remove me off the mortgage. All it takes is a letter to the Mortgage company and I am unsure why I am to be responsible for her house after all this . She has decided that my behavior is not acceptable, but still continues to keep me binded financially. Another thing that I don’t understand. And no , I am not going to say – “oh this is okay, because this time its not. So, yes I am confused, but certainly not unhappy – more mad at myself, because when I hear she has always tried to please me – was this a getting even with me point? One can read articles, get counselling, but the when you make a financial commitment to anyone it should be honoured.
Merry Christmas and thanks for listening……
I am so glad I found this website, although its a shame it’s a forum for pain and not joy. Lindas experience is almost identical to mine and the mystery of why we are shunned i share with all of you. I want to tell those of you who are estranged from their daughters about a website i found yesterday called http://www.motherrr.com . That is not a misspell. There are many helpful articles written by professionals that were very insightful and helpful to me. Especially one that points out that from the time our children are born we are adding points of how good we are as parents. For example; 2 points for our Childrens good grades, 4 points for going to every single game they played, etc. Our children, on the other hand start subtracting points right from the start. For example; 2 points off becauseyou won’t buy me the latest electronic gizmo; 4 points off you won’t let me stay overnight with my friends. That article made me see that our children expect no less than full entitlement from us and we see them as ungrateful and selfish. Many of us have set ourselves up for disrespect and hostility because we allowed them to start trading us this way from a young age. I was telling an old friend who has known my 28 year old daughter since my daughter was 5 how rude and hateful mtg daughter has been treating me and she said, but your daughter has always treated you like that and you have allowed it. I’m just to a point now where i refuse to be treated like that any longer so my daughter thinks i have won’ changed because now I have changed for the worse because I will no longer put up with it. I have spent $70 grand helping support my daughter and two grandsons for the past 2 years and now she says i can no longer see my grandsons! So i took back the car i let her use and have cut her off financially. She’s furious and has used my grandsons to try to guilt me out of more money. Its not going to work ! She can treat me decently or struggle on her own. Its her choice! My grandsons and i have been close all their lives and they will come around when they are older. I am also leaving them detailed information Abbott their mothers behavior with my estate should I pass before there is a reconciliation ! She had better hope they don’t do the same too her when they become adults!! Well, its almost Christmas and I will surely be alone but at least I will have my dignity and self love to sustain me. Have courage and peace everyone on this site. I don’t want to hurt any loners and I refuse to!! I’m going to use the $1,000.00 I spend on her every Christmas and I’m going to Hawaii !!!
I came to this site while looking for help in dealing with my 3 year estrangement from my mother. I am amazed at the amount of information/support out there for parents and how little there is for adult children. However, in reading the comments here, I am struck at the overwhelming denial on the part of the estranged parents, as well as Dr. Coleman. I see the word “toxic” frequently… apparently this means nothing to the parents. When your child tells you something… it would behoove you to listen. When they tell that you are toxic, it means that YOU are not respecting THEM. It means you are overstepping or ignoring boundaries after being repeatedly told that your advice, interference, criticism is not acceptable, you continue to act in a disrespectful and inappropriate manner. This is certainly the case with my own mentally ill mother. After years of physical and emotional abuse, I chose to forgive my mother and tried to be the best daughter that I could. It wasn’t until after I married, and had my own family and my own home that the emotional abuse, constant criticism, and perpetual negativity started up again. My mother could never understand that I wanted to live my life, run my household and raise my children in my own way… not her way. When I tried to express my feelings about her behavior and its effects… her response was, “Isn’t that just too GD bad!” Finally, my mother came to my home and verbally attacked me one day, and turned on me like a rabid dog, unleashing her venom on me in front of my children. I told her that if she really believed what she was saying that she needed to get some professional help and that I did not want to talk to her until she did. Since then, I have reached out to her several times, only to get a very hostile and sarcastic response. I have come to the conclusion that it is far better for me and my family to stay as far away from her as possible… a decision made particularly difficult as I am an only child. Parents need to get a clue… listen to your children, and do not dismiss their opinions or complaints. Take some responsibility for your own shortcomings without making excuses. No child wants to cut off their own parents without good reason.
hi – i read your post and i agree with you, there are signs. my adult daughter just had a baby and after asking me to buy her a $1,000 stroller or ask my family to buy her one, i gave her some money toward the stroller. After the baby was born, i was told, repeatedly she was too busy to see me followed by an email asking for time. I texted her she can have all the time she needs. but i a extremely hurt and feel betrayed. one day warm, the next cold.
So, yes, I can admit my faults as a parent and listen and give money, but when out of the blue, i get – i need some time. i just do not have any more tears to cry for her. i cannot let myself be hurt by her again. a counsellor once told me it is like having a child who is a drug addict, you want to love them but you know they will hurt you in the end, steal from you, etc. so, the hard work of distancing myself begins.
Caro,
I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter is pulling away from you at a time she should be sharing with you. I remember I couldn’t get enough of my Mother ( and my father actually) when I first gave birth to my son. They were so supportive of me and when I saw how much they loved that child, my heart practically burst. I forged an even deeper bond with my parents. Not so with my son and DIL. They also seemed to pull away even before my granddaughter was born but they were not shy about asking for help with specific pieces of furniture for her room. I just don’t get it. You’re right to distance yourself. I’ve been working on that very same endeavor, at least emotionally. I’ve not completely closed my heart to them but I have closed my checkbook, stepped back and tried the see the situation for what it is. I’m hoping that they will come to their senses one day and put a halt to this nonsense. My husband and I aren’t getting any younger and I fear that one day if/when they see my value, it will be too late. I hope this happen to you either. Love, Lisa
Dear Estranged,
There is a forum here dedicated to the view of estranged adult children. Go to forums on the lower right half of your screen. Click on any of them. Look at the top of the new page where you can choose which forum you’d like to visit.
I wish you peace and love, and send you compassion. It’s hard to lose your mother, regardless of the cause.
Chris
I like it when people get together and share views. Great
website, keep it up!
This site has been such a huge help to me, realising that I am not the only person who has a grown child who won’t have anything to do with them.
We have always been a close family, I have four children and recently my eldest son who is 30 had a fall out with my daughter and her partner over something quite small. His fiance said that she was pushed, which she wasn’t and they all had an arguement, which I hoped would be sorted the next day.Instead my son said that he wanted nothing to do with them again and that they weren’t welcome to their wedding. He phoned me a few times and was upset because I wouldn’t side with him against his sister , telling me how dissapointed he is in me. I told him that it had nothing to do with me and they should sort it out as they are two grown adults and their are two sides to every story,I said how upset it made me as we have always been close and he told me to go and get counselling. I’ve seen him once in 6 months and it’s broken my heart.If I call he never answers and I have to leave a message, then I get a text back saying we will talk soon( which never happens)His fiance won’t come round as she said she feels unwelcome now. I’ve always been kind to her and can’t believe that she would say that, it’s like an excuse so that he won’t have anything to do with us.I tried to befriend her on facebook and she declined. We are still invited to their wedding in January but I am absolutely dreading it now as it will be awkward and I will probably be upset all day. I have searched my inner self to wonder how my son could change so quickly as we have always got on so well and been able to talk about anything.I’m beating myself up daily wondering where I went wrong, only to realise that he may be influenced totally by his fiance or in a different space right now.My other children have tried to talk to him and he always sends a polite but impersonal text back.How can a child that you raised and done everything for and thought you knew do this? It’s beyond me.
i totally agree with you and I am asking the same question, how? i know that these children are still young, but how can one disown their own blood?
You say your mother is “mentally ill”…Diagnosed? or just your guess. Something is missing from this picture. I am inclined to think she may very well be ill. If she had cancer and was screaming out in pain for you to let her be, or help her…..would that be different from mental illness. And my dear, I dont think a daughter who bad mouths her mother for whatever reason is doing the right thing. Give it some time….by the time your children are your age, no matter what they think of you they need to show respecst. You may end up with that same “mental illness” your mother has. Prayers for you, your family, and your mother.
good reply Pam, I was thinking that mental illness oftens runs in families. I was also thinking ..that ES daughter sounds some what like my daughter lately, the ‘hardness’ towards her mom.
Right on! My son did the same thing to us with his new wife and I have the same question of how a child can do this to his parents or family when it was sooooo close! Outside sources especially (sons with wives or girlfriends) seem to acquire lots of power.
Lesley, it was like reading my story. My son to is 30 and I have always been close and would never dream of something like this happening to us. But through pettiness which escalated to something that he can’t even remember happening, I too don’t talk and have tried to and it’s just doing my head in. As I would never have thought I would see the day that we would not talk. I told him that there is always a solution for anything and that it needed to be aired out and anything else that needed to as well. But he refuses and just wants an arguement. He never use to be like this, but his partner refuses to have anything to do with us. I have come to the conclusion that I am Not going to be Responsible for his Unhappiness, because what else can it be if he was never like this before. I go to bed at night embrassing my Love for my son and his partner. What else can I do.
I just wanted to add here a daughter’s perspective. I have not spoken to/seen my mother in 10 months as she was causing me stress. She was constantly critisicing my choices and refused to respect my right to parent my children my way. She insulted me, my husband and children either directly/indirectly at every visit. On paper you could say she was a great mother, but in practise she was very damaging. She never listened to me whenever I tried to talk to her about this, and her answer for everything was “nobody’s perfect”. I see a lot of that above. Have you all honestly had no clue that you were behaving disrespectfully to your children? I think the warning signs are there, if you look. I wish my mother would get therapy and realise she has been wrong, apologise properly (not making excuses) and then we might have some hope of a relationship.
Dear Iso. Thanks for adding your post on here. Only the two people involved in the situation – for example, you and your mother – know the true issues. And even then, each person’s perception of a particular event/s can only be through their own eyes. Sometimes it is tricky to get the balance right and to see the other person’s side. But Iso, please may I suggest that you gently speak with your mum. The two of you together in a quiet safe spot. There is no point in her going to therapy – or even you – if the two of you are still not on the same page. Try speaking with her. Make time. This process of life is very strange and short. I don’t know your history but I’ll assume that your mother loved and cared for you as well as she could. Maybe some acknowledgement of that alone may be a starting point. Iso, try to make this work. You only get one mother. And the day will arrive that she will no longer be there. Make peace now. Nobody is right or wrong. Find some middle ground and please go gently in the process. I hope you and your family have a peaceful Christmas with lots of hugs and laughter. Maria x
Iso, you say “I wish my mother would get therapy and realise she has been wrong, apologise properly (not making excuses) and then we might have some hope of a relationship.”
I suspect your mother thinks “I wish my daughter would get therapy and realise she has been wrong, apologise properly (not making excuses) and then we might have some hope of a relationship.”
I find it hard to believe that most children would just cut-off ties with a parent for absolutely no reason. It would be like amputating a limb for the fun of it. I am 40 years old and expecting my first child. My parents are in a co-dependent relationship with a sibling that has devastated our family. This older sibling has a long (continuing) history of drug use and has inflicted physical (sexual & physical assault) and emotional pain on the others, while my parents have continually shielded him from the legal consequences of his actions (borrowing money against children life insurance policies & spending siblings college funds to bail him out of jail). This extreme neglect of the rest of the family has resulted in all my siblings (except the one they are co-dependent with) becoming estranged from my parents. I am the last to cut ties with them, but now that my wife is expecting our first child I feel I must to protect my baby from their unhealthy relationship with my brother. Still if you asked my parents why I ended our relationship they would say (and have said) “I don’t understand why they can’t just forgive their brother & all get along”. If your child is contemplating such a drastic thing as ending a relationship, ask yourself, why?
I can see how that would be needed in your case Nic. And I do not think that anyone here is saying most children do anything one way or the other. Some people maybe are just that selfish that they cannot see past their own needs that would be parents and children alike. As I have said I have done everything for my children and the one that cut me off was the one most like what you are describing your brother to be, minus the sexual abuse thing. I could never imagine cutting off a parent either, this is likely why it is so hard for many to understand, how they can be cut off by a child. I can see how your situation would be hard for you, and I am sorry that you and your siblings feel neglected. Being a parent of a difficult child I can say you do indeed get wrapped up in trying to save the one falling apart. I am quite sure your folks would have never done those things if they were thinking clearly. No on starts off with intent of neglecting kids. You can not imagine the amount of emotional blackmail some of us go through. I myself am still being blackmailed by my son, who now says I cant see my grandchild due to be born until I see what I am doing wrong. My wrong doing began when i could not afford to pay his way anymore. Story is different for everyone, we must all be careful to not interject our own situations upon the stories of others. I hope it works out with your folks, and you can protect your child from your brother without cutting them out. Maybe a simple no brother mentioned near the kids plan would help? Good luck
Sorry Nic F, I do not agree with asking ourselves why, that won’t give us as parents the answer. We would like to ask the estranged or the child contemplating the estrangement why but as you have heard from most of these posts for some reason that child never wants to get involved with the question!
Well Hi everyone,
Its with a sad yet selfishly someone grateful heart that I found this site. I feel like I am not alone in a situation that has plagued me for sometime now and nearly broken my heart completely. I like many of you have adult children, my son who is 23 and a daughter that is 20. My husband is in the military and so we have had to travel far away from them. When I moved away (to Germany for now) I was guilty of one thing clearly when it came to my children, I over indulged them. I did it because like so many of you as well, I was a single parent who felt guilt for my children being estranged from their “fathers” using that term very loosely. To be clear, my sons dad was just non existent and I always tried to get him involved with my son. He was a drop in kind of guy, once every few years we would get a visit and very minimal of support. My daughters father was a different story, after i became pregnant with her, i found him to be abusive, a drug addict and an alcoholic. For obvious reasons then when he went off to prison, i stopped his contact visits with her for her own safety although I still allowed her grandmother on that side in their lives without hesitation. My daughter and I went through a lil rough patch when she moved out because she began a relationship with her father again, who tried very hard to poison her against me. It worked for a moment, until he proved to her that i had been telling the truth all along, going to her house drunk and high and starting a problem! Now my situation is a lil different with my son also because my son is somewhat of a local celebrity in the mma world. And here is where the problem begins for me. He was 21 when my husband (that has helped raise them since 13 and 16) was stationed in Germany, The army therefore would not let him come live with us without jumping through all sorts of hoops. I was more than willing to do those things, unfortunately one thing was that he had to be enrolled in school of some sort, which I was unable to get him to do. And I might add he was not employed for several years at that point and supported by my husband and myself. so fast forward almost 3 years we have been here, We (my husband and I) have been sending him money, paying his cell phone bills and fight entry fees and all sorts of things to the tune of close to 20 grand.. not to mention that both of my kids received 25 thousand dollars on their 18th birthday and a part of trust I had set up for them along with my family. Now he met a young lady, they became pregnant very fast (under 2 months) then were married within another month.. I tried very hard to be close to this young lady I even went so far as to come all the way from germany to meet her, and see my sons first televised mma fight. All was pretty good while I was there, i stayed part time with them and part time with my daughter and then friends as well to give both a break! The only issue I had there was with the young lady’s mom who obviously hated me and my son.. shrug.. moving on. So at any rate, since I have been back in Germany, I have seen many many things on his fan pages, and interview saying how badly he was raised. How I was never there for him, how he was raised in the ghetto, how he struggled for food and basic necessities. I am in shock! he lived in median areas I was not rich, but i made 40 to 60 k a year! It was nothing at all for me to spend 500 to 1500 on birthdays and Christmas for each child! I did all holidays huge and they wanted for nothing! that’s why I say I can say that they were over indulged, I get that.. my fault for doing that. I did not know any better, I felt like I had to do so much more because they did not have others. My parents had passed away when I was 21 and my kids were 3 and 6 months. so they did not have dads, and grandparents and aunts and uncles and such, just me… now I sit here reading his stories of horror and wonder what can I do? What DID i do? I went to all of their events, did everything with them when I was not at work. I never went out, never drank nor did drugs. Was the first parent to bake cookies for parties.. I am crushed. My husband says it is just him needing to fit into some stereotypical fighter ideal.. but its hurts me, a lot.. I want to call him out on it publicly so badly! but then I may ruin his chances and surely ruin his image and loose his respect in the public eye. I feel trapped.. When I tried to tell him how it made me feel he accused me of abandoning him when I came to Germany, and that sealed my despair. I turned to my daughter who tells me that I did all I could, and that they had a very good life. Reminded me of how I sat for hours out in my car with them letting them open Pokemon card packs I was spending tons of money on until they got the perfect card they needed. How can he now say these things about me. He has pushed me away, removed me from facebook, will not answer my calls on the phone I pay for, nor emails on the computer I gave him.. I’m at a loss. I feel maybe he has pushed me away from his own guilt of the things he is doing and saying.. I don’t know what to do now. I am ill I was diagnosed with a tumor in my brain some months ago before I ever went to visit him, he is aware of this also and does not care at all.. I just do not know how to proceed. Should I call him out? or sit quietly while he drags me through the fire over and over? I do not want to sound like I am saying I was a perfect mom.. I made mistakes obviously, but being a mother was my priority, and I took it very seriously. I feel like the pone pride I had in myself was taken from me and I am less of a person now because of it.
Thank you for listening, it felt good to say it all.
hi – your story resonated with me. and i know the pain you feel, i have cried for a whole week – non stop. the story is not important, what is important is that you know that you did everything and your daughter is your witness. who know why your son is doing this. i talked to a friend last night who told me all the things i had done for my daughter. that i should find strength to move on and not let this hurt me so deeply. just having my friend acknowledge the things i did for my daughter helped me.
it is going to be hard but i do not want to be hurt again.
thanks for sharing your story – it helped me.
So very thankful to have found this website! I have two daughters, 27 & 28, both married and happy. I raised them on my own without the help of their father. Because of my own mothers’s advice, I always encouraged my children to have a relationship with their father and his parents. For some unknown reason, my eldest daughter quit speaking to me the day her paternal grandfather died. She said she was distancing herself from me and me toxic behavior. Let me clarify one thing that puzzles me. His parents never helped us financially, and I always allowed them visits with my children whenever they wanted. As a result, they grew very close to their grandparents. Needless to say, I was thrilled when my oldest daughter became pregnant. When my granddaughter was born, I assisted with whatever she needed. She would call and ask me to babysit, I was there. She included me in celebrations. My new little grandchild was the love of my life! Then came that terrible day when she told me she no longer wanted to be around me. I’m devastated. I’ve seen a therapist. Was told to keep communication open, by sending cards, leaving phone messages just to let her know that I love her. I’ve done all that. I even baked her a cake as well as her favorite dish, flowers and a card for her birthday. (she didn’t even call me on my b-day). I was recently in the hospital, and she never called. I’m hurt, depressed almost suicidal. The pain from not only loosing her, but my relationship with my granddaughter is unbearable. I cry daily. I’ve bought Christmas presents, but know I’m not included. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m at a loss as to what I’ve done to deserve this treatment. I’m trying to accept this, but I really don’t feel I can live through this pain.
My Mom died at 70 “ovarian cancer” my father 5 yrs later. They were married when Mom was 16, Dad 21, I am 61 and have a 42 year old son who I have always loved dearly. I lived at home with my parents and my son until he graduated from high school and went to the army. Yes I wanted to have my fun too and the only way I could do that and keep my son in perfect safety and love was to do things this way. I had a brother who was killed in a car accident 18 yrs old , my son was about 9yrs at the time and my parents became overly spoiling of my son. Oh, there was never an absentee father for my son, he always said his grandpa was the only Dad he needed. I always thought my Son and I had a loving mom and son relationship and also good friends. He was never the same after he came home from the army “Dessert Storm”. He did however manage to marry a wonderful Korean girl and now I have 2 grandchildren who I took care of for years when they were small while their parents worked. Anyway, when my father passed away 2 yrs ago, my Son decided that I had not given him enough, I guess, now mind you I have another brother who is 58, and every thing was suppose to be split (3) ways which is exactly what I did. Right after the funeral he wrote me right out of his life and I was not able to see my grandchildren for awhile until my daughter in law just went over his head and brings them to me. It has been almost (2) years and like so many other stories I read on this website I just don’t know how to keep on living with this ever present grief. I also lost completely, a good speaking friendship with my 58 year old brother. If it sounds like I am person that no one could get along with,well thats not the case, really. My brother is living in my parents home of which I own 1/3 of and he not only quit paying me 200. per month, (he does not know why he should) he didn’t even say thanks. Did I also mention that my son and probably my brother, are heavy drinkers? It seems like there might be some connection between the grandparents dying and throwing away your mom at the same ? I loved my parents dearly, then after my dad died I did not even get a chance to mourn him, the way that I needed to, my son was there with the straw that broke the camels back. I am ill myself, this even before my dad died, copd, on oxygen 24/7/365. This keeps me from going after him. I sent cards on his birthday, and a christmas gift last year, and i have sent a few text messages. I heard somewhere on here that maybe I should back off completely. For all who read this Charles Stanley pastor said that God allows things in peoples life to teach us and because we are on the verge of something very important. I think I will just continue to keep on enjoying what comes my way, be thankful for it, and pray to God that all of our burdens might be more manageable in the new year. God Bless.
Dear Amy – I can hear your pain. It’s fine for someone to say ‘keep the door open’ but make sure you have new boundaries set up for yourself. No more disrespect from your children. My daughter also advised me that I was ‘toxic’. What an insult. She was loved and nurtured and we had an enviable relationship. And then she decided I had a personality disorder of some kind. All of this came after she met her husband. What to do? Amy, at some point in the past 4 years, and on the advice of a psychologist, I wrote to my daughter and stated clearly that her behaviour was absolutely appalling. I refuse to be treated with such disrespect any longer. If she can’t recall her upbringing clearly, and really wants me out of her life, then her wish is granted. Sad? Ooh yes. Amy, please nurture yourself. Oil burners, nutritious food, maybe a new hair colour and cut, take up a hobby that puts you out of your comfort zone – something light and fun. It is so important you do not allow your daughter’s behaviour to stop you living. And living well – not just existing, waiting for these adult children to throw you a crumb of kindness. Be your own best friend, and put self-care high on the list. Most of us mums have not done that for decades. Everyone else was first. But the time has come. Make it all about you. Of course continue being kind and thoughtful to others. But in your heart, remember this is your time now. No room for any rudeness or unkindness. As I do with my own situation, I hope that yours changes soon. But while you are waiting for that to happen, the best confusing sign you can give your children is to live well. Maria x
I like what you have to say. If the reasons for an estrangement were logical, then “keeping the door open” and “sending cards” etc. would be the best advice in the world – but many of the people writing here were blindsided by an estrangement after many years of a seemingly untroubled relationship (as I was). I have come to realize that there is absolutely no logical basis for this estrangement, and so probably no healing until my daughter, who suffers from intermittent crippling depressions and panic attacks, heals herself rather than blaming me. I have a good relationship (mostly!) with her sister, who is schizophrenic, and I suspect that the estranged daughter suffers from some of the same paranoia. I hope for a better future, but along the way I will try to live the best life I can, and be of whatever help I can to my friends, my community and my schizophrenic daughter
As I read through these letters I have a sad comfort in seeing that I am not alone with my broken heart. I thought I had a not perfect but good relationship with my daughter. It changed after some major changes in her life. I guess I have to accept her choices even if it is the end of our relationship. My heart is so very broken. My only daughter. Irreplaceable.
oh, i am so sad to read your story. i know too well what you are going through. too well.
Amy
I understand your pain. It is the worst pain I have ever felt to be estranged from my only child, a 28 year old daughter. A couple of years ago I attempted suicide to escape the pain. My daughter has been angry with me for nearly 10 years, each year it has gotten worse and worse. I raised her alone. I’m wasn’t a perfect mother; I suffered from depression and anxiety and came from a very dysfunctional family. But I did my best not to repeat the mistakes of my parents so that she would repeat the dysfunctional cycle, or follow in the steps of family members who became alcoholics and drug addicts. In that I succeeded, but she claims that she raised herself! She is the first in our family to get a college education. I always believed I was a good mother and she was loved so very much. She was not abused or neglected. I have done everything possible, including apologizing multiple times, to mend our relationship to no avail. To make matters worse, she is very close to my mother who has usurped my role in my daughter’s life. I have been estranged from my mother for 3 years due to emotional, and verbal abuse and betrayal. I have sought counseling, and just recently followed advice to let go of my daughter because I would be consumed with sadness and angst every time I received an email accusing me of things I was not thinking or feeling. Her perception of the past is skewed, and things taken out of context. She has anxiety attacks that have actually sent her to the emergency room. I realized that I had to make the choice to move forward, with or without her, to save my sanity.
It is 5 in the morning and here I sit in bed, crying and crying. Not sure if it is comforting to know that I am alone in my heartbreak. My only child got married 3 years ago and my mother died suddenly 10 days later. Immediately, my daughter became distant and not supportive. When I asked for her help support or care as I dealt with cleaning out my mothers home, she refused. She opted instead to spend all holidays and vacations with her new husbands family. Over time, she tells me goofy things like my requests or statements insulted her husband but she loves me. She has little contact with me and her husband has not been in my house since they returned from their honeymoon. She will be kind one day then the next tell me she is estranged and she twists anything I do around to make it wrong. If I gave them a million dollars tomorrow, it would be an insult to them that he was not supporting her well or that it was not 2 million. My daughter has cursed me with words I did not know she even knew, lied to me repeatedly, and then sends emails saying I should know she loves me. I lost my mother and daughter at the same time and her up and down love/hate hate hate is killing me. I don’t want to cut off contact with her, especially since I do believe her husband is pulling these strings, but it is killing me physically. I cry and cry, cannot sleep, blood pressure through the roof. Is it time for me to say call me when you want to treat my fairly with love and respect? I am prepared to accept the fact that she will not call me at all then? Is this negative destructive contact better than none? By the way, my daughter was my life. I carried her through a critical bout with childhood cancer, provided every possible educational opportunity for her including sending her to Harvard and Ivy League medical school. I spent more than a years salary on a wedding that I will be paying for for another 7 years. It just seems too unbelievable.
I’ve been up since 4 in the morning unable to sleep because I can’t believe I haven’t seen my son or granddaughter for 6 months and will not be seeing them at Christmas. We have been excluded by a daughter-in-law who wants nothing to do with us, and therefore does not want our son to as well. I’m looking at a pile of unwrapped Christmas presents in the corner of my dining room. On top of the pile is a beautiful dress I bought for my 2 and 1/2 year old granddaughter that I know she will never wear or even see. I hide my pain because its just too embarrassing to tell people that your son no longer bothers with you at his wife wishes. We have a daughter as well. She was always close to her brother…we were such a happy family and I am at a loss as to how to fix this. We’ve tried apologizing (for what we don’t know), sending cards and messages but nothing. I spent for days in hospital 3 months ago and yet did not receive a call from my son. I’m not looking forward to Christmas but will put on a happy face for my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson. I thought my daughter-in-law was a good person who cared about us and our family but since having a child things changed. We were no longer included in events or holidays. If we planned something for our family we were told they would come only to be called at the last minute saying something came up and they couldn’t make it. This has been going on for the past few years when suddenly 8 months ago they called us up out of the blue and started yelling and screaming at us…we up to that point had never even had an argument. If we did call our son he always put it on speaker phone. We can’t write him…she’s been know to throw out the mail, and read his phone and test messages. I don’t know how to put my family back together. She makes a point to make sure she is nice to extended family and friends so that it appears we are wrong about her. They literally drove by our house last Christmas morning to go to our brother-in-laws before even coming here, ate dinner at left shortly afterward. I would just like to skip the holidays altogether.
Diane,
Like the rest of us on this site have done you’re trying to take the blame for this situation and subsequently trying to fix something you didn’t break. I know it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that out of the blue and for little to no reason these “people” to whom you were very close suddenly want little to nothing to do with you. It’s maddening to go through, I know but once you come to realize that you can’t change any of it, you may be better off. Try your best to get through the holidays but after that, allow yourself to time to breathe. Take one day at a time and put your own life back together. Try to enjoy your time on your own terms and get comfortable in your own skin. Strive to not let this occupy your every waking moment. It is difficult but believe me, it can be done. You need to take care of yourself and re-gain your confidence and self worth. You will have set backs but each day you will get stronger. I wish this for you and I sincerely hope you can come to terms with this and find peace and contentment in your life. Please know that you’re not alone in this. Love, Lisa
Dianne – welcome to this strange club of broken-hearted and bewildered parents. I’m so pleased we are all here talking to each other. I may have gone mad if it wasn’t for this lovely group of people. Just a thought: how would your daughter-in-law respond to a phone call from you suggesting you both catch up for lunch one day? Just the two of you. Sound upbeat and positive. A catch-up before Christmas – girls only – that sort of thing. I gather they live nearby. I wish I had that option open to me with my own situation but I don’t. Maybe it is something that could work for you. Is it worth a try? I don’t know whether I would mention the main issue – skirt around the edges and try to get close. Stay strong, Dianne – these are horrible episodes in our lives and most of us don’t have a clear way forward. If all doors appear to be closed, then step out of it for a while. Don’t beg. From what you’ve said, you’ve done nothing wrong. There are too many similar stories on here now that I feel there is some (mostly) unspoken epidemic going on. Your life matters. Remember that always and fill the gaps with people who value you. Get through this holiday period as best you can. Learn all the words of some irritating Christmas carol, and sing it around the house on Christmas Day! Look after you. Maria x
Nancy,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your daughter’s behavior makes it so much worse. Please know that you’re not alone in this kind of situation. Most of us on this site are at a loss to try to come up with reasons for this horrible behavior. I hope you can come to terms with this and get to the point where you no longer cry constantly about it. Best wishes to you for peace with this and I hope you eventually come to have joy and contentment in your life again. Love, Lisa
Nancy – I don’t have the expertise to answer your question based on any solid background. But…when you ask if it’s time to tell your daughter to call you when she treats you with respect, my take on that would be Yes. That is the right thing to say. Do it as calmly as you can. You are not a doormat, Nancy. You brought this girl into the world, and loved and cared for her. To lose your mum at the same time as your relationship with your child unraveled must be very difficult. My self-survival approach now is to ‘step out of the chaos’. It’s a killer. Create some new chapters of your own life now and pray that one day your daughter will treat you with the respect you deserve. It’s damn awful. We all feel it and the pain is unbearable at times. Get your strength back, Nancy, and don’t allow anyone to treat you badly. The fact your blood pressure is up, and you are not sleeping, are signs to just be for a while. Permission to let go. Your daughter knows you will always be there for her. But that must be conditional now – no more rudeness or unkindness. Very important we all get on with our own lives. Do whatever you need to do to relax. Take care of yourself please. Maria x
o – this is all just too sad. if all the tears we cried over our daughters – we could change the world.
Hi Everyone
4 years ago my daughter decided to leave the father of her children. Kids were 11 and 8 She was in school-to be a Psychiatric nurse. (for which she was successful-which makes this all the worse) – Every weekend for 3 years I drove 30 minutes to pickup my granddaughters at school, they stayed with me and went home on Sundays. Took them to soccer – dance. I was a single mom at 17, and my daughter and I were very close -speaking daily – I never gave advise just listened. Now I realize it was financial all the time. My daughter asked me to help her buy her family home, I was very clear about what she needed to do to get my help.I knew she was very poor with managing her money but after all she was 40 at the time (now she is 44) I was looking at a 40K renovation on my building, asked that she should sign a paper. because she need to make monthly payments to make sure I could manage the debt Her exact words were “Mom I would never let you down”. Well it has been 4 years and not a dime and she doesn’t speak to me. The struggle has been immense, my granddaughters are teenagers, so I understand in this age of communication that phone calls are not forthcoming – only texts. I wrote my daughter a letter in July 2012 stating that she should be paying me something per month -and as of today not a dime. My retirement should be happening now, I am finally coming to terms that she has turned her back on me – and yes there was a new man since she bought the house -(my grandkids find him extremely controlling) for us to go forward she does not -want to acknowledge the hurt she has caused. Comments on this site, have helped immensely and reinforced the ability to look in the mirror and not keep trying to find a reason why she doesnt speak to me . I did not let her down at any point in her trying to better herself – I will book mark this page.
Dear Patricia,
You’ve done what a lot of parents on this site have done and that is to not only provide ta decent childhood but you’ve gone the extra mile to make adulthood a bit easier and successful. Then, for no reason at all you’ve been cast aside as though you barely exist. I know it hurts but after finding this site several months ago, I found that I am not alone in this curious situation and neither are you. I’ve gotten the strength to come to terms with with my particular situation and I no longer let it occupy my every thought and I’ve stopped trying figure what I’ve done wrong to cause this. A big part of it is someone else’s choice and I’ve no control over that whatsoever. So now, I just don’t worry about what I can’t change. My heart and my door are open should my son and DIL wish to share more of our lives but in the meantime, my husband and I plan to live our lives to the fullest and completely enjoy each other to the max. Good luck with your ordeal…. Check back and let us know how you’re doing. Love, Lisa
Oh Patricia – it’s all very hard, isn’t it? We trust our children will treat us well and you must feel deeply saddened by your daughter’s actions. She has to live with her decision to not pay you back the money you loaned her. Her guilt may be part of the reason she has cut you off. Maybe she has a conscience, after all. In the meantime you must look after yourself. Keep working if you can and no more loans to anyone. This is about you and your retirement in the future. Head high, self-respect in place, and back out into the world as the worthwhile person you are. You did your best with your daughter. And now the time has come to focus on you. Like Lisa, her door is open for her son. That applies to me with my daughter, and probably you with yours – but this time it is conditional. No more poor treatment. None of us deserve this. Keep going, Patricia. Hug from Maria x
Thanks Maria and Lisa.
You have no idea how much this site put my situation in perspective for me. Thank you for your kind word….
help !! going crazzzzzzy !!!! my 80 yr. husband will not speak to our 60 yr. old son because he cannot get what he wants, that is to control him and his wife. they live about a couple hundred miles away and he expects them to move near us, so they can help us in our older age, ect…….. theres more, thanks, weary mom.
Hello all,
I am new to this forum and like you all I have 3 adult children (twin daughters 21, almost 22, and a son about to turn 20). I haven’t read about anyone else in my situation, but I’m sure you are out there!
My ex husband was physically abusive (twice, the second time I kicked him out), my kids were 8 and 5 at the time. I had quit a great job to be a stay at home mom, with my parents help all kids went to private schools…and I provided a fun, loving, home for them.
Their dad has always tried to buy them and keep them away from me (he’s on marriage no. 3 and new wife just inherited $2M), he is paying for college, cars and rent for all three of them BUT, if they have any contact with me he has threatened to cut them off. Hence, I haven’t seen or spoken to any of them since August 2012. (I get an occasional text, like Happy Thanksgiving but dad controls their cell phones too and can tell if they have called or texted me).
After many tears and heart break I think I have finally come to terms with the situation, my home used to be full of kids, now it’s just me and the dogs (which isn’t so bad really!).
My question is do I bother to get them any Christmas gifts or just ignore the holiday? So far ignoring it has been such a stress reliever! I was underemployed for 2 years but have a great job now (since Aug) and am playing catch up with bills, etc…so the thought of not having to purchase and wrap gifts is somehow appealing. I’m afraid though that when the holiday is here, I will regret not having a tree, or any gifts for them.
Any advice would be great, thank you!
Dear Letting Go,
If you find it less stressful to not get gifts for your children then by all means, follow that instinct. If you want to send good wishes for a nice holiday season, then send them some nice cards. Christmas shouldn’t be about the gifts, it should be about family and friends sharing food, laughter and good will. Put your tree up and decorate if you want and maybe just have some baked goods around if they decide to grace you with their “presence.” Take care of yourself right now and get yourself back on track financially. It sounds like you’re on your way. Best wishes for success in doing that and enjoy your peaceful holiday. Love, Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for your words of encouragement, it is so nice to know that other people have been through this and really care.
I have good days and bad days but am trying to stay positive.
Will report back in a week or so.
Thank you again for your care and compassion.
xo LettingGo
Welcome to this forum, LettingGo. I can relate well to your feeling of peace by stepping back out of “enemy territory”. It is too stressful being around anyone who does not value our presence. Like you, I raised my daughter on my own. Grown up and married, she is well-entrenched in her father’s life. He is onto his fourth marriage and contributed zilch to our daughter’s upbringing. This process of life is a mystery to me. But may I suggest you do whatever you need to have peace and self-respect. Always hang onto that. I am sending my daughter a Christmas card wishing her and her family all the best for the holidays. Someone once said to me, ‘Don’t reward bad behaviour” – so my daughter no longer receives happily purchased gifts. Oh yes I miss all of that. We were very close and these occasions of Christmas and birthdays meant a lot to both of us. I also have to play catch-up financially and have just started applying for jobs. My focus now is to cover the basics: good health, peace of mind, and financial independence. I can’t waste any more energy on trying to re-enter my daughter’s life when there is so much drama. I need to take care of myself now. Put up a Christmas tree, LettingGo, sing carols, eat scrumptious food, and enjoy your Christmas day with or without other people. It’s only one day. I hope this all works out well for you over time. Maria L x
Hi Maria,
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Taking things day by day, and staying busy with work helps. I find so much comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in this. Stepping out of “enemy territory” is the perfect description! And you are so right about the stress we put in our life trying to be with people who don’t value our presence…I will keep your words with me over the next few weeks.
Good luck with your job hunt, there is something out there for you and you for it!
Thank you again for your kindness.
xo LettingGo
I am so thankful that I found this website, I have searched for several years to try and find the answers that may have caused my daughters to treat me with hostility and such a lack of respect. Have I made mistakes ? of course I have, but like many parents who now find themselves estranged from their children, I found myself apologizing for years, but was not even sure what I was apologizing for. Although I am hopeful that some time in the future my daughters may want to build bridges and need their father in their lives, I am also am realist and at 53 its time to have some self respect and dignity. After reading similar stories on this site, I also choose no longer to be a doormat for them to wipe their feet on . If my daughters wants me out of their lives that badly – and have to resort to such enormous rudeness and unkindness – then reluctantly I should grant them their wish. . One day it may be resolved but the its time I feel, to finally give myself permission to look at myself in the mirror and say ” I am a good person” even if my daughters choose to think otherwise. I stress I love both my daughters with all my heart and wish only good health and happiness to be in their lives.
Paul,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s frustrating to try to figure out what you’ve done and it sounds like (as with most of us) that there is nothing concrete that you can fix with this. I’m glad to see that you have taken the stance that you are a good person and you seem to be at peace with what your daughters have decided. I’m also glad you found this site as it has helped me tremendously to come to terms with my situation and to also realize I’m not Mommy Dearest. I have also made my share of mistakes but none so horrid as to cause this vile treatment I receive from my sons and DILs. To say that it no longer hurts at all would be a lie but like you I’ve allowed myself to exhale and not let this situation occupy my every waking moment. Best wishes to you for a resolution but in the meantime, you keep up that awesome attitude. Check back every now and again and let us know how you’re doing. Love, Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Thank you so much for your words of support, it really means a lot to me knowing I am not alone regarding this situation. I really had no idea this site existed. Like your good self Lisa, I also have to admit it still hurts, yesterday was my eldest daughter’s 30th birthday, and for the first time ever I as not able to speak to her,(her request certainly not mine). however like always I did send a nice card with sincere wishes, Christmas is fast approaching and again I intend to send both my daughter’s and Granddaughter a loving Christmas card, wishing them all good health and happiness. I am not excepting anything in return, but I am at peace with myself and can look in the mirror with a clear conscience that I have taken the higher road and at least tried. I sincerely hope that you give your self permission to you live your life in a happy and positive manner. Take great care Lisa and thank you once again for caring.
All the very best to you.
Paul
Paul, just over one year ago, on December 10, 2011, my 42-year-old son decided he no longer wanted me in his life.
I tried to contact him a few times since then to no avail. He does not reply to my e-mails.
Our life has not been without ordeals and tragedy. His father and I married quite young, I was 20 and he was 24. We had our son in 1970, then a daughter in 1972 and a third child, another daughter in 1974. We did the best that we could with the tools that we had. Money was scarce, but we always had healthy food on the table and a nice home. In 1981, our middle daughter was diagnosed with bone cancer and died in 1983. This was devastating to our family. It was particularly hard on my son, I think, because he was at a traumatic age when she died (13 years old). In 1991, my husband I divorced. Another difficult situation. Life was difficult but we always seemed to find the strength to move forward. I later remarried and things seemed to stabilize. After 18 years, my second husband died very suddenly of a heart attack. The family was in shock. My son and daughter were there for me, supporting me, loving me. We were very close. Three years ago, I met a wonderful man who has since become my partner. This is when things startd to change. My son gradually became rude, distant and insulting to me. He would refer to my partner as “what’s his name”. Although his behaviour was rude, I did not have the courage to call him on it, making excuses that he had had a rough childhood, with losing his sister, and his parents’ divorce, and then the death of his step-father, I kept hoping that he would stop this poor behaviour. Last December 10, 2011, I was at his home and he was very insulting to me. I said nothing, but went home feeling confused and depressed. I decided to take a short break from seeing him and his wife, and let them know a couple of days later that we would come to their place for a couple hours on Christmas Day, but that we would have Christmas dinner at my partner’s family. My son then told me that rather than come to their house for a couple of hours only, we were not welcome at all. That was the end of of it. I have tried writing to him, e-mailing him, and texting him. This Christmas, I sent him and his wife a card. They did not send us one, I e-mailed both him and his wife that I missed them both and wonders if they would like to meet for coffee in the new year, no reply. This hurts me very much. My daughter and ex-husband are also baffled about it. I find his and his wife’s behaviour cruel. But what to do? My partner does not deserve any of this and has been extremely supportive. I have been in therapy for a year, which is helping…..Bewildered.
Paul – it’s a horrible experience to come to terms with, and one that no good parent thinks they will face. I’ve been through a similar process to you (and many others) and it is nearly four years since I have seen my daughter. A daughter who was loved and treasured and happy. I suddenly became unacceptable when she met her husband-to-be. But there came a point of no return when I had to choose between my health and the struggle to engage with my once loving daughter. The first won. The latter was humiliating, degrading, and so unhealthy for me. And the reality was that she didn’t want me in her life. Accepting that I was no longer required was very challenging. And I still don’t understand why. My girl is never out of my thoughts and I pray for her every day. In the meantime, I choose to take care of myself. Just do your best every day, Paul. Keep sending the cards. Don’t beg. And let it play out. Keep in touch with us. Maria x
I have read these comments and I would like to tell you a little bit about my problem. I, too, am estranged from my daughter and her children. I want to tell those children who wrote in this blog, that said it was all the fault of their parents. that They may not realize how the parents were raised. Their parents might have had a terrible life and raised those children the only way they knew how.. I had toxic parents. I was mentally, emotionally and sexually abused. I could never tell them what they were doing to me because I would be beaten or yelled at.
I tried with my child to raise her best I could, but my therapist said that I was never taught the right way, because of the way I was raised. I did things my family did , for which I am sorry about, but I didn’t know any different and she held that against me. Also, although she said that her dad never talked about me, she has told me things he has said about me.so I knew. I was told bad things about my dad from my mother all the time, but I knew he was a very bad man and the things he did were true. I have gone to counseling for around 10 years to get over all that. Also, I raised her the best way I knew how considering I had interference by her dad. I am trying to get contact with her because I want to have the beautiful relationship we had when she was a child. I have sent many messages to her for which she answered a couple of times with bitter stuff in it. I realized that she apparently took the letters the wrong way..
It isn’t entirely the parents fault. As the parents try to make their children happy, The children have to realize that the parents have feelings too. I admit that I still cry when I think about my daughter. My therapist said that is okay because of what I have lost because the children are growing up and I missed a lot of their childhood.. I know they used to love me but they don’t even send messages to me on the computer. I love all of them very much. It gets very lonely around vacation time because I have my daughter, her children and another close family members living in the same city as I do and don’t see her. It gets very lonely, but I am trying to socialize although it is hard for me. .
I have a son who has written off his family for a comment I made to him. My oldest daughter is going through a divorce. Two of her three children are afraid of her husband and her husband also has a girlfriend. My son (youngest) sent her soon to be ex pictures of his kids and is communicating with him. I asked my son not to communitcate with him or send pics of the kids. Due to the fact he uses this to throw up to my daughter to make her feel even worse. Now I ask is this a reason to cut yourself off from your family? I have tried to call, email and text. He does not respond. He was married a year ago and has changed so much none of know him anymore. His wife was great to us BEFORE they were married. The day of the wedding she turned on us. She has been rude and disrepectful. We believe she is maybe the reason he is staying distant from his family. But he is an adult and is hurts that he can just write us off so such a thing as this. So I have stopped trying to contact him. My last email I said if he did not get a hold of us then I would just assume he wanted us to leave him and his family only. Well I guess this is the case. Now I just have to go on and try not to hurt that I may never see him or his children.
Dear Hurt,
It’s true that something seems to happen when sons marry. I also had a wonderful relationship with my son and my daughter-in-law. I can’t for the life of me pin point when it all turned sour but it sure did. This is a tough time of year we’re all coming to and although my husband I resolved to live our lives as free of this hurt as we can, it seems to resound at this time of year. We used to have fabulous Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings. Now, it’s as though it is just an obligation to them to include us. There is no warmth there nor any feeling of well being towards us. You’re right to stop contacting your son even though I know it hurts deeply. My hope for you is that he comes around to realize his loss. In the meantime, take care of you and do what you’re doing by trying to go on without him in your life. Remember, this was his choice to do this and you have no control over his choices anymore. Take one day at a time with this horrible situation and you may see in time it will no longer occupy your every waking moment. You’re not alone in this so know this and also know that many of us hurt right along with you. Love, Lisa.
Dear Hurt – do you notice a trend in our posts here? Our relationships with our kids seemed to change for the worse when their partners came on the scene. What is that about? Someone please correct me if I’m reading that incorrectly. My daughter thought I was fabulous – well, maybe not that good, but close enough. And then she met her future husband. Nearly 4 years since I have seen my beautiful girl. I understand you giving advice to your son about those photos. You’re his mum, and also mum to your daughter, and you were trying to protect everyone. Again, I read a trend in this forum that parents lose their ‘right’ to have any opinions or offer any advice. Who knew that was in the manual? Maybe the seen-but-not-heard rule is one our adult children would like us to adopt. What a dreadful way to live, walking on egg-shells, too terrified to say a word out of place – simply to be in their lives? It’s all a mystery to me, and so so sad.
As Lisa mentioned above, we are heading towards Christmas and I find this time of the year awful. Heart-breaking. I try to stay strong but the emotional pain is deep. Does anyone have any tips for getting through this festive season without falling into a heap? I waffle on with advice to others about faking the happiness – but as the time nears, I cry a lot and the unfairness of it all hits me.
Hurt, I hope your situation improves with time. Maria x
Maria L.,
I’m very lucky by the fact that I have an amazing husband who makes it a bit easier for me to endure this hardship. Our sons’ (yes both of them) behavior hurts him too but together he and I are able to weather this nasty storm. I wish I had some answers for you. I believe being the lovely person you are that you have some wonderful friends and perhaps some other extended family members who will share the holidays with you. There is also the possibility of volunteering and spending Christmas with those less fortunate and perhaps even lonelier. You’re a strong, determined woman so have your cries but don’t let it take over your resolve to live with your situation. Let us know how you’re doing. Love, Lisa
Linda and to all my fellow mothers who have been abandoned by our daughters and all our children:
We love our children (daughters’) with every pore in our bodies and by some quirk in their personality or brain washing they turn on us. For the past 2 years I raised my four grandchildren when my daughter divorced her extremely abusive husband. In the past year I stopped working so I could take care of my daughter and the kids since my daughter became acutely ill last summer and almost died. She regained her health and wanted to continue with her career. I made this possible for her and gave her all the money that I had for her and the kids. Beside taking care of all of them, I gave them all my love. I love my grandchildren with all my heart and soul. Her ex-husband kept coming around her in the past 6 months until she relented and took the kids and went back to him. She gav
I have only one child, an adult daughter who is 36. We have had fallout’s off and on but they usually resolved. My daughter never apologizes, she just would act like nothing happened. I would go along with it and we would be OK for awhile.
The problem is that she doesn’t show any respect to me and puts me down and has no patience with me at all. She’s abrupt with me but she is not like that with her friends. She is married and has 3 kids. One is a son with Autism which puts a lot on her plate. I have been there to help out financially and watching the kids for her on Saturdays so she can go shopping for food. I work full time and live alone. We had our last fallout 4 months ago. This time I fear it’s permanent. She said some very hurtful things to me. When I told her how this is hurting me she says things like “It’s always about you”, or “You hurt, but you do not take responsibility for your life”, “I am not responsible for you”, “I love you BUT you are toxic to me”. She basically has no time for me. I raised her by myself and I was a bit too lenient on her. I was over disciplined so I went the opposite and that’s no good either.
I haven’t seen my grand kids in 2 months. She says I can see them whenever but I don’t drive and I have to get a ride whereas she used to pick me up. My grand kids don’t seem to miss me. I call them but they are nonchalant about it.
My heart is broken in pieces over this. I feel I have been cut off from the only family I have. My mother passed away in 1998. I live by myself but I used to have phone calls and plans with my daughter. But they all abruptly stopped. I put myself in debt helping her out in the past decade. I would buy tires for her car, I even bought a used car that she would make payments and I ended up forgiving the debt anyway. I would buy food if they needed it. She is too proud to ask me for anything but she would hint and I would offer. I even bought her a new laptop with Office 2010 and a bag to put it in. Cost over $800 which is a good price but at the time I bought it, I didn’t know if I was going to have my job or not – it was on the line at that time. Now I feel I have been an enabler.
I feel that I am no longer needed and they are out of my life. I have been nonstop crying and sobbing. It’s hard at work because I have to get up and go in the restroom it comes in waves and I can’t control it. I haven’t been at this job very long so I don’t want them thinking I am a flake.
My daughter had to see me going through depression and OCD and anxiety and only since 2001 was I able to get it treated. I feel bad that she saw me that way. Because of that, she sees me as weak and therefore doesn’t respect me. If she would only talk nice to me instead of mean the way she does, we would be ok. But she never thinks she does anything wrong. It’s never gone 4 months and counting like this. I feel like it’s a death and I am in mourning. I am almost 56 and there isn’t anything left for me.
It’s not like I talked to my daughter every day. But a few minutes on the phone and seeing the kids on Saturday was fine but now it’s nothing. I feel she doesn’t need me anymore and despises me. I don’t feel I have anything left to live for.
I no longer have my sisters living near me, my mother is gone and now I have lost my daughter and the grand kids don’t seem to miss my not being there. Whereas before the youngest one would run into my arms “Grandma!”. I feel so alone and like nobody cares.
I have read about estrangements going on for years. Life is too short to do that since I am over 50 and she is over 30. It’s particularly hard because she was the only child I ever had. I feel I have failed as a parent. I have apologize to her about that. But it doesn’t help.
I wanted to be close to my mother but she pushed me away. Now my daughter is doing the same thing.
Dear Linda – it is all so filled with heartache, isn’t it? I hope you find some comfort in reading other people’s stories here on this forum. I am so sad to read about your daughter and the losses that go hand-in-hand with that. My own daughter has a similar attitude to me. Like you, I raised her on my own – not a choice I made but we don’t all get to choose the ideal family environment. When my beautiful girl started treating with such disrespect, I was stunned. Where did that come from? Did I deserve it? Was I really such a bad mother? She had everything I could possibly give her and was showered with love and laughter. And now it’s over.
I did the apologies also but was not even sure what I was apologising for. Don’t do that anymore, Linda, unless you have a sound reason to say sorry. Maintain your self-respect and dignity. It took me years to stop trying to resolve this horrible and totally unnecessary estrangement between my daughter and me. I choose no longer to be a doormat for her to wipe her feet on – no longer to be sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for some attention from her. If my daughter wants me out out her life that badly – and has to resort to such enormous rudeness and unkindness – then her wish is granted. I release her with love and peace. One day it may be resolved but until then I am trying to value myself and live each day with gratitude. Linda, I truly hope this sorts out well for you. Be strong. Focus on setting yourself up safely and comfortably for the years ahead, and remember that this is now about you. You are worthwhile. Most of us seem to have forgotten that as we juggled parenthood and jobs, and suddenly found ourselves made redundant by our kids. How appalling and ungrateful. Treat yourself as though you are your own best friend. Keep in touch with us on here. I check this site regularly because it keeps me sane. Maria x
Linda,
It’s impossible to know why our kids have chosen to push away from us. You have NOT failed as a Mother. Like the rest of us, you’ve done your very best to provide a happy healthy life for your daughter. I’m sure you weren’t perfect but none of us are. You said that you’ve tried to apologize but those apologies fall on deaf ears. I’ve apologized myself for being human and not absolutely perfect. Thanks to this site I’ve been able to get through each day without beating myself up for something over which I have no control. I’m getting to the point where I’m at peace with the decisions my son and DIL have made in regards to having me (and my husband) in their lives. My door and my heart will always be open to them but at the same time I feel that if they don’t want to be in my life there is no sense in saving room for them. My husband and I are committed to living our lives to the fullest for the years we have left. I sincerely hope you also get to that point. Love, Lisa
I have a son that I haven’t spoken to in over 2 years, not because of me but he no longer wants anyting to do with me. I have done nothing wrong except divorce his abusive father. His religion doesn’t believe in divorce so as he says I am going to hell. Religion has torn so many people apart and that was never Gods intention. His wife’s parents are also divorced but they are still very much in their lives. I can only say over and over, I just don’t understand. I raised my children and gave up everthing for them. I didn’t have much of a life because it was so important to me to be there for them. My x-husband was not a good father nor did he spend any time with them. Yes, he is still in my son’s life. What is wrong with people.
I completely understand how you feel. The one thing that each day gets me through is prayer. I ask God for strength and peace and every day I seem to get through. You will always miss her and your grandchildren. My son has two beautiful little girls that I miss so much I cry for days at a time. Two years is a long time and I know the girls have changed. My daughter won’t even tell me about her brother. I so want to hear about him but they have agreed that I am not to know about their lives.
Life is not fair at times, I also had a thief of an attorney steal all my money in the last few years so a double whammy has not been easy to bear. I will be strong and I will be OK….
Dear Della – find strength wherever you can. You are not alone and that in itself may help you. It helps me. I keep popping onto this forum to re-balance myself. And yes, you are strong and you are ok. Lisa often says on here to take one day at a time. And she’s right. That will also steady you.It’s all such hard work, sad, and deeply painful. But what choice do any of us have? We all seem to have tried most approaches to enable reconcilation with our kids. What is it they want us to do?
Is there a way you can keep in contact with your beautiful grandchildren? Maybe just sending a card or small gifts on the occasions when it matters? No-one can really give any of us advice as our situations are all unique. But I hope your son sees you differently one day soon.
A lesson I have learned the hard way, and it only became clear as I look back over the past 4 years: be hesitant of the people you confide in. That can back-fire when least expected. To expose your vulnerabilities, you need to be in safe hands. We all need people to talk with, and to witness parts of our lives. But this matter of estrangement is personal and difficult – and I wish I had kept quiet. Perhaps I should have sought out a good counsellor and only shared my thoughts with that person.
Keep yourself safe, Della, and I hope that attorney you speak of is being forced to recompense you.
Maria x
Della,
I’m so sorry for the losses you’ve endured. It’s mind boggling to realize that the very people for whom you’ve cared, sacrificed and struggled for turn their backs on you. Maria L is right. Find the strength where you can and take each day as a new beginning. I’ve not been on this estrangement wagon very long but this blog helps me to no end. I garner a lot of strength from reading everyone’s posts and it is so helpful to know that I’m not alone in this. I have my setbacks, I think we all do, but by and by I have come to the point where I realize there is very little I can do to change anyone’s mind about their feelings towards me. I’m not perfect by any means but I’ve certainly been a good Mother and Mother-In-Law. Now, I’m only regarded as a possible gift giver or “bank” when the need arises. I can tell you that I put a stop to that. Not an abrupt stop and there were no words “exchanged” but it came to a stop nevertheless. My husband and I are concentrating on our retirement and looking forward to spending our “golden” years together having as much fun as we can. Look to yourself for the strong, vibrant woman you are and take pride in that fact. I wish you success in re-building your life followed by some sweet contentment. Love, Lisa
Della I’am new at this I. Was looking for a site and found this,I am so sorry for you ,I have same problem i have 3sons my husband passed away 26 years ago it has been pure hell for me my eldest I have not seen for 5 years my second 8 years and only yesterday I got told off by my youngest ,I don’t expect to see him again if I don’t do what they want me to do they abuse me then leave I believe my daughter inlaws are a big part of it all I gave them all that I had its like walking on eggshells I have tried everything I have lost a lot of money because I was always helping them now I have nothing I can’t do this any more I never had a family growing up and wanted one so bad ,today I believe was the biggest mistake of my life I raised them better than this so I thought,was always there for them I have found that the daughter inlaws have a lot to do about it because when they were home with me we could always fix things not anymore I have tried giving in but it doesn’t last long so now I am old I am on my own and for the hell of me I don’t get it, Margaret
I am someone on the opposite end of the scale here, but I thought I’d offer up up some perspective for the estranged parents here. I am an adult child estranged from my mother, and have been so for more than 20 years now. Most of the dialogue I’ve read here is that many of you estranged parents are hurting and confused about being estranged from your own adult children. You often repeat the same basic question: “Why is this happening to me?”
To most of you, it is incomprehensible why your children have decided to shut you out of their adult lives. But you mustn’t forget one very important fact: It is *their* lives and, rightly or wrongly, they feel strongly that they DO have a reason to disconnect from you. In my situation, I do have such a reason. Many reasons in fact, but I will not elaborate here. It should be sufficient just to say that I do have them, though. My mother, on the other hand, has taken the position that I am the ‘problem’. That she has done nothing to deserve this response from me. That *she* is the wronged party. Because of that attitude; that lack of taking responsibility or even acknowledging her past behavior, there can be no reconciliation between us.
At first, she felt I would just ‘get over’ whatever was upsetting me and was content to wait until I ‘came to my senses’. Perhaps many of you parents have similar thoughts. Unfortunately the reality is that your estranged child is likely prepared to wait indefinitely until a solution to your situation presents itself — if indeed it ever does. They have moved on with their lives and made the decision not to include you in it. Instead of sitting around on some forum, patting one another on the back and commiserating about how cruel your estranged children are… or how they are so weak-willed that they’re allowing themselves to be controlled by their significant other, why don’t you take a long look at the present instead of trying to make sense of the past?
If you want to be a part of your estranged children’s lives again, you have to be invited back in. By them. You have to try to build a new, positive relationship with them because the one you thought you had with them is long gone. I have long since accepted that this will probably never happen between me and my own mother, but I have genuine sympathy and some hope for the rest of you. I hope that you can find a way to reconnect with your adult children.
Most important of all, they may be your children but do not ever, EVER forget that they are adults now. If you do manage to speak to them again, be patient and treat them with the respect due an adult. Do not expect them to owe you the same kind of obedience and respect they had for you growing up. That trust and respect has been severed for some reason. You may not know why, but they do. Trust and mutual respect between both parties must be re-built before you can ever hope to have your estranged adult children letting you into their lives once more.
Paul – thank you for your perspective. It’s always helpful to hear people’s stories. I do wonder, however, why you are on this forum. You seem to have accepted the situation between you and your mother, and your advice to us is to stop reflecting on the past. I wonder what brought you to this forum…
By the way, I do think you have misinterpreted the sharings we are having here. We’re not ‘patting each other on the back’. Paul, as I’m sure you know, there are times in people’s lives when we need to talk. Sometimes that is better done away from our usual support structures. Even the simple act of putting the words in print may help relieve the burden. And in return, maybe someone here on this forum may offer advice that helps that person. It’s called being human. Connecting. Reaching out. Sharing.
I hope you are ok. And I hope your mother is also.
Maria
I’m very happy to have found this website. I have 3 children who do not speak to me. They grew up primarily with their dad and he was toxic to any relationship I could have had with them. He would say things like “your mother doesn’t want you”. Very untrue….
As they grew into adulthood, young college students, they began to distance themselves. My 33 year old has not spoken to me, or called me since college. Until very recently I have made sure that I call him every 3 weeks or so just to say I love you and I am thinking of you. My daughter pregnant with her 2nd, did not invite me to the baby shower for her first child. She will be two in Dec. and I have seen her twice. My third child, late 20′s did not invite me to his wedding last month.
I have apologized, said I’m sorry, over and over, and please let’s try to discuss and resolve our problems. No one is interested in doing this. My daughter’s response was “life is too short”.
I’m sad every day, think of them all the time. I remember my grand daughter’s birthday and Christmas and will continue to do so. I feel empty and like I am a complete failure at mothering. I guess that’s pretty accurate isn’t it?
Dear Susan,
If you read through these posts you will not find one of us who claim to be perfect. We’ve all made mistakes and many of us have tried to apologize for things we didn’t really do. Your “children” need to realize that the past cannot be changed. You’ve made the effort to rectify the existing issues but they’re not interested. That doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you a person who is willing to take ownership of your part in causing these estrangements. Yes, I said your part because you don’t own the entire problem. Your children own another part of it and their choice to not have contact with you is another thing that you can’t change. They will have to make that decision. It will likely be difficult since their father has such a negative influence over them. Try to fill your own life little by little and each day some of the emptiness could subside. You can do all of this while you leave your heart open should they want back in your life. I hope that in time you can come to terms with your situation and that you can once again feel whole. Love, Lisa
Dear Susan – No, you are not a failure. Of course you’re not – we all did our best. It’s so damn sad when I read our stories on this forum. The majority of people here sound like loving and caring parents stunned by the disrespect from our kids. What precisely was it they wanted from us? Love, safety, security, education, hobbies, money, family, laughter – why wasn’t that enough? I simply don’t understand. Susan, I’ve said this before somewhere on here but no longer apologise to your children. I did all that, as a lot of others have, and it seems to strengthen their position of power. Build your new life now and strengthen the core of who you are. I am trying to do that – to give me the emotional resilience to always hold my own, and have the trust in myself to withstand any problem that comes my way. Come back and update us, Susan. You are among people here who can relate to your story. Stay strong. Maria x
Susan,
What have you done to apologize for? Please don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. God forgives you. I know it is sad. I have an estranged daughter (on drugs) who must sit up at night trying to remember the times I was not the mother she wanted me to be. She has even critized my life that I was living ALONE, working hard to support myself. She was married, two children…I was visited her at least twice a week and called more often than that. Just a few days go, i got an email saying that when I moved to ______ _____ I used men….???? I married again, divorced and dated one man for 7 years……He never spent the night at my house, we went on vacation once a year, had lots of good times, but take advantage…no no…This is how adult children can justify their behavior…they must lay the blame on the parents. I love her, but at my age of 72, I am OVER it…I live my life like I think God wants and I do not think my overlooking her drug abuse and her abuse of me and her siblings is sinful. Quite the opposite….I over looked it for 20 years and am Finished. I pray she gets well. That is all we can do