Dear Dr. Coleman,
Re: your book, When Parents Hurt: “Would love to hear more about why we have to not argue, not demand of our kids, not tell them our feelings. I am willing to do it, and it does help, but I would love to hear more about that whole way of thinking. Thanks again for writing the book.
Dear Reader,
I get asked this question a lot and it’s an important one. I recommend this to parents who have been estranged from their adult children because I think it’s critical that they keep the door open long enough so that one day they can have a more mutual relationship. But, if things have gotten so bad that there’s been an estrangement (or it’s on the verge of one), it means that you don’t have the luxury of a mutual relationship in the way that you might with a non-estranged adult child. With the non-estranged, there would be plenty of room for both of you to talk about your feelings and even have more open conflict because the whole basis for the relationship is not on the chopping block. With an estranged child, you have to create the conditions where some time, maybe years later down the line, there’s enough goodwill for your child to either see you more clearly or accept your perspective. If they’re estranged, they’re probably not yet ready to hear your perspective. It may make them turn away because it makes them feel too guilty; they may think that you’re defending yourself for something that they just want you (wrongly or rightly) to take responsibility for. They may feel (wrongly or rightly) like you’re blaming them for their feelings.
This isn’t fair, of course. I know that. But I’m a pragmatist when it comes to families. We have to start with where the 2 of you are right now, not from where it should be.
You can’t be demanding because you don’t have that much power. It’s a little like a marriage where one person has a foot out the door and is willing to divorce. The person who doesn’t want the marriage to end doesn’t have the same power to make demands as the one who is okay with it ending. I know this is very hard to do, but it’s a good thing to do, nonetheless.
176 Comments
A wise person once told me that it only takes one person to make a family dysfunctional. I have been estranged from my parents over 10 years and the person that makes our family dysfunctional is my narcissistic mother. Some day I intend to write a book about her controlling and manipulative games she has used over the decades to control everyone in the family including my spineless enabling father. I finally came to the point that I realized that I am not OBLIGATED to endure thier belittling, baiting games and manipulative tactics.
My Gosh, I’m 55 years old! Too bad I didn’t see what was really going on till the last few years! It would have saved me a lot of grief. I see parents of grown children complaining about their adult children cutting them off who claim
they have no idea why this occurred. My mother has the same kind of mentality.
SHE is never at fault in her twisted little world. She pretends SHE is the victim.
My parents are bent on repeating the same destructive behaviors over and over again in an effort to CONTROL everyone. Disagreeing with them was never allowed and if you dared stand up to either one, there was hades to pay…until
you knuckled under to them. And yes, I can see where an adult child might have their own issues which cause friction in the parent adult child relationship.
I just don’t believe most of the parents who claim they don’t have a clue why there adult child cut them off. There comes a point when people realize that they are not obligated to be a doormat for the sake of “family”. Someday I have to have to T shirt made for myself that says: Who needs enemies when you’ve got family.
Wow, I’m glad I found this forum….it never occured to me to look for one, especially on the subject of estranged adult children. Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think I would end up a sad lonely bitter angery mom! But I am. I am deeply hurt by my second, daughter 28, who will not call or return a call. She used to return a text but wont do that anymore either. My son is also moving in that direction. He and his girlfriend (living together 4yrs) go regularly to see her dad and step mom plus they go spend a week at her moms house every christmas. They didnt even set foot in my house this yr. Its to small to crowded. My daughter and her boyfriend came over for an hr on christmas eve…We live on the same block! and his mom is spending her christmas at my daughters and her boyfriends house! I was so heart sick I could barely stand it. My daughter son and I live in the same town. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. I also have a severly handicapped daughter, my oldest, she lives 2 hrs away. She can do absolutly nothing on her own. I always tred hard to keep the family as balanced as possible. She lived at home for 15 yrs. I bring her home every christmas to be a full family. Its getting harder I getting older. I had hoped to try to maintain contact with her siblings but they dont care. I dont undrstand how they cannot care, or how they can b embarassed of her, they grew up with her. Im so sad. I wish I had never met their Dad in the first place. What a broken sad and lonely outcome. I had always wanted to be a mom and was estatic to discover my first pregnancy was twins, a boy and a girl. Soooo happy. I was gonna go after that big happy family I always wanted…. That all fell apart. The first twin was a full term still born baby boy. No explaination….and my girl….severly brain damaged after being subjected to a vag birth. My husband wanted to leave her at the hosp…We did bring her home eventually…My second daughter, was my joy! She was born alive. My delight and what an easycdelightvshecwas. What a horrible mess now. My kids are 29,28,23. I wouldnt recommend marriage or children to anyone. Now I am trying to figureout whats left of me and what to build on that might lead me back to caring about something and leave this pain and life experience behind. When I was young I thought Id have an encouraging readers digest story at this age…haha. Cannot believe this…We r all devided up…My handicapped daughter can still come home at times…I dont know if she knows shes here but I love it on her good days when she smiles and makes happy sounds.
Maybe the tears will stop…they are slowing down at least.
I have wondered if this behavior could be genetic. My brother is estranged from me. I asked him one time, did you hate mexwhen we were growing up? He told me it was because I was born. Hed had mom all to himself then I showed up and ruined everything. I was stunned! He never calls plus he is also estranged from his son. My father was a teacer…but I had a hard time ever getting close to him. My mom was always easier and guess what? when I was young I pushed my mom awY too. I didnt want much to do with her. I really dont know why now. Now I pray often that she will forgive me and that shes not suffering in hell from bitterness I may have inflicted her with. I was at her bedside when she died many yrs ago.Now…I want to talk to her desperatly and tell her how dreadfully sorry I am! And beg her for forgiveness.
How I pray for a miracle here and that my children dont end up withe this remorse.
Chrissy
OMG I am almost in the same situation . The pain is just too much to bare.
We were married for 17 yrs. Had a very ugly divorce. Our daughter was 15 at the time, I had to talk to her about being respectful to her Dad, she did not want to go to his home, he remarried. She didn’t want to get on the phone when he called. I Never put him down to her or in front of her or even if she was in the home, kids overhear everything! After about 2 months she started seeing her dad a weekend here and there. One weekend she came home and had a hateful, different attitude with me and said I want to go live with my Dad….hmmm after much thought I thought ok as a trial period (believing she would not stay)…After 2 weeks she wanted to move in with him. Much thought again I thought OK if I keep her from it she will want it more, but she will be back…She moved, I talked to her many times a day and seen her 3 or 4 times a week, we were still very close. Slowly as time went by she wouldnt call as much or take my calls as much, visits became less and less. Then one day her cell phone had been changed and she emailed me saying she would call me if she wanted to talk but for me not to call her or come by she didnt want to see me…At 16 I gave her a 16th Birthday Party but she was very distant from me. After that she has NOT spoke to me or seen me….She will not be my friend on FB, she wont write to me, she wont talk to me, she wont come to the door the 50x’s I have went there and knocked on the door. I have sent cards every month and letters, just thinking of you, love you, Bday Christmas. Not only has she X ed me out but she has the same behavior towards all my family aunts uncles cousins grandparents friends, she has NOTHING to do with any of us…Then last April 2011 I find out via FB that she HAS a baby…She had a little boy Jan 2011, never knew she was expecting, never knew she had a son, NOTHING, I was in shock…Still to this day, my Grandbaby just turned 1yr, never held him kissed him nothing, She wont even acknowledge me. My heart has been crushed, this is the little girl that was attached to my leg 24/7 we read books together went to church together school functions everything. I use to worry how she was going to grow up and mature because she was do dependent on me…I did order this book When Parents Hurt but have not got it yet. Any wise advise? My love for her is unconditional I love her always and Yes her actions have hurt me greatly but I will let love win not the enemy. I would not have guessed or believed this to happen EVER….She is 19 now 20 in april and I cant believe i have missed so much of her life ; ( ………..
Ok, my story ıs pretty outstandıng. I had a very distant relatıonshıp wıth my father growıng up. His presence was next to nothıng and he never really supported me emotıonally and fınancıally not to mentıon the physıcal and emotıonal abuse ı suffered. I was not even allowed to laugh when he ıs ın the house. It was my mom who had to do everythıng for us. Sınce my mother’s death I had to earn the love by workıng really hard to pay hım for hıs any money worrıes untıl ı got marrıed and left my job. What is when he started becomıng abusıve agaın because ı couldnt fınancıally support hım anymore even he lıves ın my spare appartment and drıves the car ı bought for hım. He pıcked up argument for every lıttle thıngs and I put up wıth hım untıl the day he knocked my down on the floor and pulled me by my haır besıde my screamıng 2 year-old. I kıcked hım out of my place told hım we are done but after we had gone to our home he returned to the apartment yet tellıng every kınd of lıes to relatıves and my frıends tryıng to make me bad person ıncludıng ı had stolen hıs bottle of whıskey..Currently we are estranged and I am keepıng sılence on every lıes he saıd. I just dont know how to deal wıth ıt. One mın ı feel quılty by kıckıng my father out but other tıme ı feel enormous amount of anger towards hım. Dont know ıf ıwıll ever forgıve hım..
The last time I went to see my dad was in June. I thought he would be happy to see us especially his 12 year old grandson. He and his wife were not happy. We were there a short while and felt very out of place. My dad made some hurtful remarks and a lie or two, all of which was unkind and unnecessary. His wife followed it up with a hateful email. I realized that they do no wish to see us and that being a grandfather is not something my father values. He is only interested in his son, my brother, his namesake and my brother’s family. My whole life, I have recieved mixed signals and tried to connect with my father in a positive way only to be hurt again and again. What changed things for me,is to realize that my father does not care about his grandson either. That woke me up. I let go of the relationship without looking back because I realized he would treat our son with the same ambivalence and contempt he has treated me my whole life. I love my son and this love gave me the power to walk away from a man who is a father only by chance but not in his heart. I forgive him and walk away and I have peace for the first time. I always worried what if one of us died and kept hanging on with all my strength. I realize now, when someone is indifferent to you and doesn’t care, it is the same as death, even if they are alive and well. I leave it in God’s hands, knowing I have tried my very best for all these years, to no avail.
Thanks for sharing your story.
“He and his wife were not happy. We were there a short while and felt very out of place. My dad made some hurtful remarks and a lie or two, all of which was unkind and unnecessary. His wife followed it up with a hateful email.” This has happened to me many times also. It’s so disappointing and hurtful each time. I’m almost 40 and I’ve tried for years to get along with my dad and step-mom. There just doesn’t seem to be room in their lives for me and my family. I really relate with the mixed signals. They are always saying that I make things difficult for them but each time we get together them seem really put out and indifferent. I’m very happy with the rest of my life. I’ve been told I should just “let them go” but when I don’t try to have a relationship with them, they get angry and accuse me of starting “something” like I need attention or something. I think it would be better if they would just leave me and my family alone instead of insisting we have a relationship.
I hope you find the peace you are seeking.
Dear Anonymous and Anonymous Too
Although you are writing from the adult child’s point of view, and I am a parent, I relate very much to your stories. The emotions and details of our stories are very similar: feeling hurt, disappointed and rejected in response to the loved one’s indifference, unkindness, ambivalence/mixed messages, no time for you, and, even, contempt.
My 29 yr-old daughter cut me out of her life a year and a half ago, following a 4-yr period (approx.) of increasing hostility on her part, which was nearly identical to what you have described. (Previous to that, we were very close–perhaps she has managed to put this out of her mind…).
I won’t go into more details for now–let me just say that she gave me an ultimatum: that I had to “get help”, if I wanted to keep her in my life.
Yes, I have made some mistakes. I admitted them, apologized for them, then sought help for my problems–as she demanded. But she still won’t talk to me. I have left phone messages and sent birthday and anniversary cards. Recently, she gave birth to her first child (I only found out she was pregnant from other family). I sent a package of gifts for the baby, her husband, and herself, with a sincere letter of apology. I have heard nothing from her.
Although our roles and circumstances are different, I feel there is a lot of common ground between us; essentially, we are all trying to please and/or make peace with someone who obviously has no interest in us, has no intention of changing their behaviour because they do not value the relationship, at least at the present time.
In your case–actions speak louder than words, don’t they? It is inconceivable to me that a grandparent could be so indifferent and uncaring towards their 12 yr-old grandson. I can tell you, if my daughter ever contacted me–if she ever let me see my baby granddaughter, I would weep with joy.
Have your fathers always been this way? How awful it must have been to grow up with a parent like that. You say you have achieved happiness in other areas of your life, with loving families of your own–well, I congratulate you!
I guess my main point is that some relationships are just a no-win situation. You cannot ever please a person who enjoys finding fault so much–even, or perhaps especially, if they are obviously interested and loving to others in the family.
Believe me, if my daughter was willing to go to family therapy, I would be overjoyed at the chance to repair our relationship. Judging from the way your parents are treating you, I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask them to do the same, although it doesn’t sound like they would be receptive. But I hope you care enough about yourselves and your own families to at least set some limits with them; for example, to say something like, “Enough is enough–if you cannot at least be civil and polite, I can’t talk to you. If you change your mind about this, please let me know.”
Reading your stories has reminded me that some people are just mean or cruel by nature, whether they are parents or adult children (or teenagers). No one is perfect, and virtually no relationships are conflict-free, but both parties have to have at least some insight and willingness to compromise to make a relationship work–in other words, to be honest and demonstrate some good faith, to show that the relationship with the other is important.
Thank you for sharing.
I did hear from my son on Christmas Day – a welcome text message to first wish me Merry Christmas and “hope everything is going good” (ummm….no, it isn’t….). The second text was about an hour later when he thanked me for the all the gift cards I had sent to him. He also mentioned something about “stopping over” but you know what, as sad as it was I didn’t really want that to happen. My son treated me horribly – not that I was the perfect Mother – but I gave my heart, my soul, my love and almost every dime I had, to him. He was disrepectful to me and my property – believing it was the Hotel MaMa. So I just didn’t know what his intention was, or is, if he was going to “stop over”. It never did happen – and I really had very little reason to believe it would. The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. My son was a liar in the past. I have little reason to believe that has changed. There are several conditions if he ever truly decides he wishes to call this place home again. Cease lying – to me and to himself – is one of them. I am glad we touched base on Christmas – if only for selfish and guilt reasons. In all though there is only so much I can do.
I was a single mom rasing my daughter alone, we had a good relationship up until Oct 2011. Then she started becoming distance and would not take my calls, if I go to her apartment she will not open the door. When I call her at work she is very rude and anger. I am not really sure what to do, I am thinking about hiring a private Investigator because her actions are not like her at all. I recently found out she blocked my cell and home # from her phone. I know when I tell this story to people they think something really bad happened, but honestly it was like a light switch, one month she was fine and the next she started acting like she hated me. If anyone can give me some advise it would be a blessing.
I find this to be very far off base in my situation.. I estranged myself at age 35 from my parents when it became clear to me the only time my former parents would have anything to do with me was when they needed help around the house or the obligatory family holiday..and for the most part it was show up..sit there for a few hours,,not say a damn thing and leave..My parents were very emotionally and physically abusive growing up.My father once grabbed my by the throat and held me up to the top of a door jam because I was having a hard time understanding long division. He also constantly talked down to me, telling me I will never become anything…Too bad..he should see me now…but still will never tell me he’s proud of me..I refused to let that be part of my life anymore..if your child has estranged themselves from you..they probably tried to tell you a looong time before hand..parents today are too stuck on the ” I’m the parent” frame of mind and didn’t listen to your kids as we tried to tell you that your actions are not acceptable. I know I did for years before finally walking away without any remorse.
Chris:
I don’t know why my child (male, psychologist, age 44) chose to estrange himself. Because it’s gone on for so long, I’m just about able to accept the pain.
A question: My son took my things to put in storage in his house while I was in a facility (broken back) and when my things were returned after 16 mos, he did not return the most precious of all, the 2 family photo albums. I have no way to replace any photos, which he knows. Since some of what you say sounds familiar–the lack of remorse and the needing of help–while not the other things (he has told me I was a good parent), I’m baffled. I cannot replace the only photos I have of the few (deceased) family members I loved who were not abusive to me (my child was not abused). I have asked repeatedly if I might have the albums returned with no response. The day we spent together to unpack my things, he did not leave as early as he might have. He also said about the day that he had “No complaints”. Have you any suggestions about what I might say or do to get back my photos? I feel hopeless about the relationship, but any comments or suggestions are most welcome.
By the way, good for you and I am grateful for your kind consideration.
You have no idea why he is estranged from you really? Maybe it is because you put more value in 2 picture albums than you do in your son?
Next time you break your back maybe you should call a moving company and pay the $5,000 – $6,000 to have your things moved & stored professionally. Your son worked hard for you and majorly inconvenienced himself the entire time your stuff occupied his house. How did you show your appreciation? $5-$6k worth other than complaining?
the pictures are legally your property, you probably bought the film and paid for the photos. get them anyway you can. then if u have the money and time you can copy them all and give a copy of your album to your son.
people often think a pic of themself is theirs…thats not the case.
Chris
You shouldn’t assume that everyone’s situation is like your own. Ok, in your case, if what you say is true, then your parents were violent, and that was certainly reason enough to end the relationship, particularly if your parents are unwilling to discuss it or make amends. But what does that have to do with Sheila Rankin’s situation?
Violence is one thing–imperfection is another. I don’t know if you are a parent yourself, but if you are, then you’re going to find that out.
Frankly, I question your motivation in participating in this discussion forum. Are you trying to get back at your own parents by blasting somebody else? Why don’t you find a forum for adult children of abusive parents?
After becoming a born-again Christian, my adult children rarely communicate with me. Their choices are not what I feel is the best for them, and I think they know this. Whatever they do, they have to live their lives, even if that means no communication with me. My prayers go out for them every day. Other people have stopped communicating with me also. No problem. God is in control and He may have removed certain people from my life for a reason. I just keep it moving, keep praying, keep trying to live righteously. What I’ve always wanted and planned isn’t always what is best for me. Folks, have faith knowing God knows your struggles and pain. Believe He will make everything alright and give you peace and joy when life seems unbearable.
Thank you for your words. I am struggling with this also. My children who are in their mid and late teens live with their dad. I beknownest to me they have harbored deep seeded anger towards me over our divorce. They have stopped speaking and won’t communicate dispite my reaching out. I am trying to keep in mind all of what you said. That no matter how hurtful this is I am praying that they are able to share their feelings some day and
That healing for them can begin. I am trying keep Faith that God is in control and that they aren’t out of my life forever.
I find it so hard to believe that there are so many other people out there that have estranged children. I have 3 grown children, two of which are estranged and one that has borderline personality disorder and fights with me constantly and uses my grandkids as weapons against me.
I was so close to my children when they were growing up but I left after 24 years of marriage because my ex-husband was mentally abusive and I know they hold this against me but have not openly said so.
I pray constantly but can’t seem to get any peace. I can’t believe this has happened and I don’t foresee them changing their minds since several years have past and things are only getting worse.
They will not tell me what is bothering them and why they are acting this way.
you are crazy.
I’m curious as to why you say this lady is crazy.All she is trying to do is rebuild a relationship with her children,and you decide that you have the authority,or education to make a judgement as to whether or not she is mentally competent.If it weren’t for people with your judgemental attitude,and superior attitude,and disrespect for anyone other than your own feelings,we would not even need this forum.
Well said!!!!
Here here , boy do I agree with you !
Why do you say she is crazy? I can’t figure that one out!