Your Difficult Child May Be Your Most Successful Child

Every parent with more than one child knows that similar parenting does not always produce similar children. Children come into the world genetically blessed or cursed with traits that may either serve them or put them into harm’s way. Recent research has helped identify the genes that cause some children to be more resilient regardless of how they are treated by their parents. Researchers refer to them as “dandelion children” referencing the notion that they can bloom in almost any environment. Common-sense would predict that these kids would be the most successful. And often they are. They are only surpassed in adulthood by a group of children that are being labelled “orchid children.” These children require far more careful parental intervention and nurturance, but when they do, can bloom spectacularly.

We have known for a long time that there is an ongoing interaction between parenting and the genetics of the child (and, the parent’s genes, since their genes will affect their parenting behavior). Recent models argued that the genes that produced vulnerabilty to aggressive acting out, anti-social behavior, depression, or anxiety could be turned off by good parenting. Or, stated differently, that those genes were more likely to be turned on in the face of abuse or neglect. The new research shows, however, that the same genes that can produce problematic behavior, can, in a nurturing setting, not only cause these children to do as well as the dandelions, but to do even better. You read it right. The same children who are the most genetically at risk for behavioral problems, with nurturing parents, do better as adults than their easier-to-raise siblings.

The challenge for parents of difficult children is that it’s harder to be nurturing to a difficult child than an easy child. Most parents of difficult children feel like no matter what they do, it’s wrong. However, being a nurturing parent doesn’t mean being a perfect parent. Here are some recommendations.

TIPS FOR PARENTING THE DIFFICULT CHILD

* Talk to other parents with difficult children. Nothing is more discouraging to a parent with a difficult child than to only spend time with parents who have easy kids.

* Spend 15-20 minutes a day doing something that is pleasurable to your child. Difficult children sometimes make it harder to be close to them because of their defiance, aggression, or moodiness. However, spending quality time doing something of their choosing is not only good for calming them down, it also gets you out of the role as disciplinarian. And children benefit from the quality time even if they’re still difficult during that time.

* Try to emphasize rewards over punishment. Difficult kids constantly test our patience and can draw a lot more punishment from us. My favorite book on this topic is by Yale psychologist Alan Kazdin titled The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.  Even if your child isn’t difficult, there is plenty of great parenting advice.

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