You were terrific and now are part of our Sesame fun and furry family.
—
PBS, Life Part 2: Boomer Grandparenting
http://www.pbs.org/lifepart2/exclusives/-threat-being-cut-grandkids
According to the panel, Boomers are often wealthier, better educated, and younger looking, than their own grandparents. “My kids dress like I do, and they listen to same music,” says Coleman. Their advice? Be cautious: don’t give advice that’s not asked for. If you want to open up a dialogue, start admitting your own mistakes as a parent.
NPR: Tom Ashbrook interviews Dr Coleman and Kathleen Gerson on “Women Bringing Home the Bacon”
Dr. Coleman was invited to speak to the faculty and students on Dual-Career Couples at Harvard in November 2010
Boomer Grandparenting on PBS: LIfe Part 2
Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, families, and relationships. He is Co-Chair of the Council on Contemporary Families and is a psychologist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area.
5 Comments
I truly feel your pain. I am 69 years old, my husband is 76. We are torn apart by our 37 year old son choosing to abide by his wife’s insistence to separate him and their children from our entire family.
Last Saturday we were visiting another grandchild, literally 10 minutes away and they were cognizant of this. They did not want to see or be with us. I am sick with heart – ache. Our son met us at a bookstore later and just does not want to speak of this estrangement. The separation, lonliness, is getting worse. I would like to scream, yell, confront her parents, go ballistic but my psychiatrist of 8 years tells me repeatedly to get real, to accept what we are fortunate to have, and to ignore the unpleasantness. It is truly so very difficult.
I would like to know some books I can buy to read to get through this. I have 4 grandchildren that I have not seen in over 2 yrs. They have kept them fro me. My 2 ED’s have really ganged up on me, and they have no reason. They have little petty excuses. They are both disrespectful, and hold me to a higher standard. Everyone else can be themselves and have their own opinions. But not me, everything I do and say is twisted and turned into an ugly lie. It has been the most painful journey of my life. I miss the kids. Its not their fault. They have been ripped from our lives. I have been grieving for over 2 yrs now. 3 out of the 4 dont even know me. I have done nothing but try to guide and help. I get told I wasnt sincere. We paid all the bills, and bought clothes, food, babysat. I just dont get it. If someone knows any great books to buy. I would love to hear from you. Thank you. K
Wow. I thought I was the ONLY one who is facing this problem of having the grandchildren taken away. One thing I have done is keep a little journal for each grandchild. I write my memories and songs that we sang together. Any fun, happy memory I write it for them. I know that one day it will be a treasure to them. I myself was taken away from my beloved grandmother after a divorce. I reunited with her as a young adult. My feelings for her were planted in my heart as a young child, and those feelings returned to me when we reunited. I was able to be there for her in her last years, and I wouldn’t take anything for that gift. That is no consolation for what we lost, but I have to believe that in some strange way the years without her actually caused me to treasure her love even more. Take courage, K, it’s horrible now but God will make a way.
Dear Dr.Coleman,
I read “When Parents Hurt” with great interest and enlightenment, sharing many passages with my husband. Having acted upon almost all of your helpful suggestions, however, our estranged son and daughter both (40, 37yrs. old respectively, remain estranged from us and deny us any possibility of seeing our grandchildren. Our third child is a twin sister to our daughter and remains close to us. The pain and anguish that come from not being able to see our grandchildren is, at times, unbearable. We are a loving couple, married 43 years. Our estranged children will not tell us why they have separated and have refused intervention from well-meaning family and friends.
We are quite distraught, as we have apologized–even though we don’t know what we have done to cause such a rift.
Can you help?
Thank you ,
Georgene and Allen Weiner
I can surely understand the idea of daily pain which is almost overwhelming with the sadness of being cut off from grandchildren. I am a therapist, and the blessing of that is that I can view it through a different lens. However, even through that lens, grandchildren are such a special gift…and the ache of their loss is often unbearable. I miss so much my daughter and, in some way, seem to be able to better understand her own pain. However, she is 30 years old, and has to be responsible for every choice she makes.
My grandchildren and I are very close in just the few long visits we have had together. There are many ways this is evidenced, not the least of which was my grand daughter (when my daughter and son-in-law allowed a three hour visit when they came to my state), practically broke out of her carseat as we met in the parking lot, and she was yelling, “Granna…when are you coming to my house again?” Her little three-year-old hand grabbed mine, and never let go until we left. In those minutes and hours, I prayed so hard that she might somehow know of my love for her, for I had only that time with her. We have a very strong bond, and have had since her birth. My son-in-law becomes angry that when I have gone there, she wants to be with me a lot, as any normal grandkid does, and tries to draw her away from me because (in his words), “She is obsessed with you!”
During my last visit, I noticed with extraordinary pain, that my grand daughter seemed very aware of his trying to split us and , even at her tender age, so poignantly tried to “caretake” both of us. As you might imagine, there are marital issues, and in that area my daughter is fairly dependent.
In any case, I am almost 67…and I pray with gratitude daily that Creator has a plan for all of this, and has given me an opportunity to grow through such sadness and missing.
Letting go is the hardest journey here.
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Gaven Vanetten…
wow, awesome article post.Really thank you! Awesome….