WHEN PARENTS HURT: Al Roker and Hoda Kotb interview Dr. Coleman on the topic of parents who have been cut off by their grown children.
TELESEMINAR SERIES FOR COUPLES AND PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN AND TEENS
TELESEMINARS FOR ESTRANGED PARENTS
Today Show
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23 Comments
Dr. Coleman,
I would like to be the one contrarian to the comments above and say simply this:
Sometimes parents are toxic. Sometimes they have personality disorders or emotional dysregulation that makes them impossible to have a relationship with. And for the adult child this is incredibly sad and painful. Who wants to cut off a relationship with their parent unless absolutely necessary for their own emotional survival? No one.
And yet—-many parents of adult children will not look at themselves and question what THEY may have contributed to the soured relationship. Because they can’t. Mental illness is a powerful thing.
Just another point of view.
Stella
I have 4 children. They are all in their twenties. I have a son..28 and daughter ..21 whom we have a good relationship with. We also have two daughters..with whom we have been cut off for about the last 5 years. Absolutley no contact with one…she has threatened to call the police if I ever visit her…the other has called to inform us about her wants if we ever change the will..Our emails are generally ignored or answered with name calling and swearing. One daughter has in the past gotten drunk and phoned us swearing and calling names…this is the one who is getting her Masters in Philosophy. All four children are married. The two estranged daughters have husbands in military.
I/We have no issues re: lifestyle choice, educational choice, or marriage partners..I think they all have chosen wisely from what we have seen of our son in laws…having only met two of them once or twice.
The last time we were all together I felt I had walked into a Grade 9 school room of all girls and was being bullied. The dirty looks, the dismissive comments, the walking away as I spoke in mid sentence…it was horrible.
I keep sending Chrismtas presents and birthday cards…emails to keep them in the loop.but no answer..no acknowledgement..
Any advice from anyone I would like to talk to one of these children who have come back to their parents life..I want to know what is going on in their heads when they are blocking their parents out of their lives. Maybe if I had some insight to that then maybe I might know what to do next. Life is short and they will feel really badly not getting over this issue if something happens to any of us.
Penny
I just dont understand ‘WHY’ our daughter is with a man that has destroy our family, it is so heartbreaking, our daughter does not have anything to do with her family and we were such a loving family and loved her and would do anything for her, she moved in with the boyfriend away and we were happy for the both of them, and slowly over the last 2 years he has brainwash her and is so controlling. I text her and tell her we love her and miss her, and can we come and see you and she does not respond back to me. She is having a baby in a few weeks time and I have told her that we love this baby of hers but no answer…
Dr. Coleman:
I was the grandparent who wrote in 2006 with regards to learning we were grandparents from a local paper and was part of your interview on the Today show. I am happy to say we have reconnected with our son and his family and we recently welcomed our third granddaughter.
We feel bless this holiday season to be part of their lives. However, it doesn’t make me forget how grateful I am for your help during some difficult times and your work educating communities about this difficult family issue when adult children become estranged from their families.
Thank you for all your work and publish books which helps so many parents.
Dear Dr. Coleman,
Thank you, thank you for your work!
My 2 sons were ailenated from me by my ex-husband after one of “those” types of divorce. My ex threatened revenge — and he got it. He took the most valuable thing in my life: the loving relationship I had with my sons. But I am writing to give others HOPE. Hope is not frail — so don’t give up and don’t stop reaching out! Keep your heart open and forgive — it is not their fault. Educate yourself on parental alienation thru professionals like Dr. Coleman, attend events and talks. You may feel like it, but you will learn you are not alone.
My older son stopped talking and seeing me at age 16. I was devastated. I emailed Amy Baker for advise — she was the only one I could find at the time who wrote and spoke about parental alienation — exactly what was happening to me. She advised me to continue reaching out even if there was no response. So I did. Many, many emails I never knew were read, many cards sent not knowing were received and birthday and Christmas presents delivered by a neighbor to my son — never knowing were ever opened. No connection with my family or my parents with whom they were previously close. Neither son attending my father’s funeral with whom I was very close.
When my older son turned 21 he responded to one of my emails. We met for coffee, then lunch, then dinner — and then I traveled to Japan where he was going to school and we continue to this day rebuilding a relationship torn apart. My son told me he could not live his life without me being a part of it. Can you imagine how I felt? I cried but this time the tears were simply relief. All the seemingly empty prayers and the HOPE is now being realized. I am thankful every day.
Unfortunately, my younger son took the same path exactly at age 16. He turns 18 September 10, 2011 and I do not stop sending emails. — “I hope you are doing well. How is school? I love you, I miss you. Let me know if you want to meet for coffee. Here is a picture of — Love, mom.” — Only this time his older brother insists he deliver my cards to his younger brother instead of me mailing them & presents I would have otherwise sent with a neighbor.
I continue to pray and continue to hope. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!
Carolyn
Unparalleled accuracy, unequivocal clarity, and undeniable importncae!
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Aftering my divorce my 29 year old daughter is extremely close with the other woman who my ex had an affair with. I have struggled with the pain and depression for years but it just gets worse. Four years after the divorce my daughter got married and I did not have alot of money to help with the wedding. I offered to help with the planning but she made it clear that I should stay out of it. I do not have a larger family and was only allowed to invite two friends to the wedding. My daughter asked if I would sit with my ex at the head table and I told her yes. The wedding was extremely difficult for me because my ex was with the other woman and I was still not in a relationship. I arrived at the reception a little stressed and feeling out of place. I hugged my daughter and she pushed away and said she had things to do. Went we were told to be seated at the head table my daughter informed my that I was to sit on the other side on the grooms parents and the other woman would be in my spot near me daughter. I was humilated and I didn’t say anything because it was her day. I left the reception at 8:30p.m. After watching my daughter invite her up for a father daughter dance and never asked me. Since then it has only gotten worse. I now have two beautiful grandson who I adore. She posts videos of my grandson saying hi to the other woman. This includes picture and comment about how much fun she has going out with the other woman. I know I such not dwell on it but I would love to feel like a mom and grandma. There is so much more. I need to get past this.
This year marks the 17th yr. of our strained and/or totally estranged relationship with our son and his family. Today, Mohter’s Day is always the most difficult day of the year for me. This estrangement has now been for over 3 years, with other periods of total estrangement. Prior to that time, we might see our 37 yr. old son, a couple times a yr., even though it was always brief and always strained. However, now there is no communication with him. (he lives less than 100 miles from us). We’ve been prevented from seeing our grandaughters for over 3 yrs. When rearing our children, we always believed we were an average family of 4, doing all we could for our two children, including giving them dozens of opportunities in life, as well as paying 100% of their college educations to enable them a “jump start” in life. We were not a couple with bountiful finances, so the privileges we provided our children were tremendous sacrifices to my husband and me. Due to the longevity of the estrangement, I don’t cry as often and/or as severely, but the pain and sorrow of the estrangement never diminishes.
Estrangement – better known as Family Rifts – is not new. But it is put in the “closet” and the door held shut with much strength and concentration!
Estrangement / Family Rifts are not dedicated to just parents of adult children – injustice collectors have long grocery lists of wrongs they feel others have done to them…. and it affects all aspects of a family.
Sometimes the situation forces people (who have been abandoned by their Family of Origin [FOO] ) to first mourn the “death” (loss) of family members as they knew it and seek out extended family and friends to cope with the emptiness of rejection from their family….. the family that we all “assume” should love us unconditionally. This pain runs deep…….
Perception of the family situation by the members of the family can be very interesting – those who believe the family myth / those who do not buy into the family myth. Rejection can come from just that – not buying into or believing the family myth causes the estrangement / rift.
People with Bi-Polar or Narcissistic type personalities, along with those personalities that need to be in a position of control, are at the root of many estrangements / rifts – but when knee deep in the middle of all that craziness, you don’t consider the dynamics – you just feel the pain of family rejection. Any of us who are people pleasers or enablers play out our roles in the weird dynamic of such families too.
It is not a situation which can be fathomed or totally understood – and the pain is too great for us to understand.
I also recommend that you read Mark Sichel’s “Healing from Family Rifts” and check out his Yahoo Group Blog site too.
Dear Dr. Coleman and Ms. Sander,
I am deeply moved and grateful to see the attention that is finally being given to the issue of family estrangement. I have experienced the particular pain of alienation from both sides of the issue – as an estranged daughter for nearly 30 years, and again as a mother estranged from my two grown daughters for 3 1/2 years. With a great deal of resilience, personal responsibility, and compassion, both estrangements are now healed. However, suffering the awful silence of estrangement, in silence, was the most damaging part of the experience for me. With very few resources available and as part of my own healing, I conducted a search into my family history and found that estrangement has been a multi-generational solution to strife and hardship of many kinds. I suspect this is so in many instances.
There is much to be said on the topic, and much work to be done to bring this skeleton out of the family closet with dignity. Having faced estrangement most of my life, it has informed my identity and my work with both enormous sorrow and great strength of purpose. As a semi-retired psychotherapist specializing in family reconciliation and writer of a just completed memoir on this experience, I aim to inspire alternatives to a family closing the door on one of its own.
Again, I congratulate you for your work on behalf of so many parents and children, and for our future.
All my best,
Veronica Picone
What is a parent supposed to do when their 29 yr old son decides to rewrite his history only after falling in love with someone ,who from the very start never tried to connect with us-no matter how hard we tried. Our story is like so many others here-we were a very close and loving family,we have 3 sons and only one of them has closed the door on us. He recently married and he and his new wife did everything they could to alienate us at the wedding. I guess we were lucky that we were invited. It started after he met her but in such a passive way that we didn’t notice right away. But when we brought it to his attention that they were always blowing off our family things it started the first fight. The rest is beyond our comprehension. We are heartbroken and cry every day for him. We haven’t seen him in 4 months and before that it was 5 months. He has cut us off from his life and never acknowledges any correspondence from us. Actually refused to sit down and air their grievances with us. Did I mention that his wife is a therapist? We need help and we are not sure how to get it!It is so unreal to us that this has happened I question myself daily-my husband says that we shouldn’t do that because it is his choice not ours but I still feel that maybe I did something wrong!
I feel for Betty Lou Goodwin, my husband and I are going through this with our adoptive son now that is 26 yrs old. He moved out a year ago with his girlfriend and another roommate in our rental condo. We did a big mistake renting to them…they went through 3 roommates in past 6 months and I have been getting less and less rent and now no rent. The girlfriend is like a black widow who controls him in every way. They have so many fights yet still together. He has chosen to not deal with us anymore, because I am trying to evict her or serve a 30 day notice to move out. We let our son live their free, while unemployed, yet we don’t want his girlfriend to take advantage of us and she is. We just pray and wait upon the Lord, it is very hurtful. Thank you for reading our story. We wish you the very best.
Betty Lou…uncanny … your story could be my own, except our daughter-in-law is not a therapist. I still can’t fathom that the son we love and would protect against all hurt doesn’t care about the hurt that he is inflicting by ignoring us. It, too, started slowly when they got married and now, three years later, we barely get acknowledged. Our once loving son has now created a life we are not included in. The hurt runs deep and I am at a loss at what to do. Contacting him results in a quick text reply, at most. It has now been over a month and he has initiated no contact whatsoever. There was never any issue to cause an estrangement, so we are baffled. The only variable appears to be a wife who wants all of his attention. It is so helpful to read other stories here from obviously loving parents who are in similar situations. I would like to ask if continuing to keep in touch or no contact has brought results for any of you over time? My best to all.
This could be my story except that my son keeps in close contact with my husband, but generally ignores me. My words have been used against me so many times by my daughter-in-law that I find myself closed-mouth when I am around her. The power she has to alienate me from my son absolutely scares me to death.
Betty,
Your story sounds so close to mine… it’s almost uncanny.
So comforting to know that I’m not alone.
Dr.Coleman,
After nearly 17 months of separation from my daughter, son-in-law and 3 little grandsons the pain is crippling. My daughter has over the last 3.5 years had begun to develop a pattern of punishing those that didn’t bend to her will. She and her husband had estranged her husbands parentsf or nearly 7 months. During that time I would occassionally tell my daughter that they had done nothing to deserve this treatment. I had also suffered a month long separation prior to that. Little did I know that would be boot camp for this painfully long separation. She has severed ties with her fathers mother, my half sister, school friends and acquaintences as well as her brother. Before this separation my daughter and her family lived with us for about 3 months during my son-in-laws unemployment. When he refused a 40 k job after being fired from 3 jobs in as many years and on the verge of unemployment benefits soon to run out, plus a house offered to them by his parents rent free we were completely bewildered. In haste and against my request to have them sit with us for a “roundtable” discussion to determine what their plans were, my husband jumped the gun and told them over the phone while on a business trip that they had a week to make arrangements. They had been out eating dinner and return home furious, my daughter begain destroying things like her baby hand prints that had hung on the wall. Two days later when they return for more of their things unaware my husband was home, he had the opportunity to tell them he had been hasty and he didn’t want them leaving. To no avail they refused!! and when he went to say hello to his second littlest grandson who just loved him to peices, my daughter whipped back and said don’t you speak to him! My husband was frozen with grief. While my daughter has been diagnosed with Bi-polar I have no idea why we my daughter had turned on us and everyone whether at this moment or in the past. Is there anything we can do. I am having a very very hard time moving on as my daughter and I have always been close. WE have always been supportive, but I have been there with her through so many issues. Lastly, after trying to communicate with her we recieved a voicemail message telling us that she didn’t want to know anything about us unless she was called to be told we were 10 ft under and as far as my grandsons are concerened we are dead. This alone has caused me to feel like I’ve lost my mind, my heart, my joy for living. Please help!
It is heart breaking. My son married and I was never given a chance to develop a positive relationship with his wife – who comes from an abused family situation. I have tried in the past to call him with no response. I will always send him a birthday card and have done so for the past two year. I am in therapy and will continue to be. It is so hard to put into words my feeling. He has cut off relationships with his cousins, aunts and uncles on my side of the family. He has continued to see his father, step mother and step brothers. I have been divorced from his father for over 25 years. It is so sad – I have almost given up hope. It has been a little over two years.
I am so thankful that I have read these posts. My situation with my son and daughter in law is almost identical. I have the same questions and every day I wonder why!
Our whole family has been disowned by our son,starting with us, for almost 3 years, his parents.WHY?, we really don’t know. After many attempts via phone, mail, gifts (all sent back unopened) a face to face after a church service; sought help thru our son’s priest and those visits between them made no difference, even tho they behave like good God fearing people; then they served us with papers to not attempt to contact them or anyone else on our behalf. This is an open wound that bleeds every day and has affected my husband’s health. Our only biological grandson, with whom we had a great bond, and relationship adds to our heartbreak, and wonder what he thinks has happened to us, his aunt, and uncle.
Is there any recourse for us; we live in NYS, and they are in VT, my home state.
Hi…
Just ran across your interview on the Today Show where you talked about parental alienation. Nice job. Thanks for raising the visibility of an issue that is affecting countless parents, children and extended family members every year.
Keep up the great work!
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation
Hi Mike,
Thanks for writing. Glad you liked the show.
Josh