We were indeed fortunate to have you with us. You are a terrific speaker!
— The John Hopkins University Center for Talented Youth,
Discuss conflicts around housework, money, chores, and differences around parenting. How to get help and support from your spouse; the right and wrong way to communicate; what’s a fair division of labor; how to solve parenting differences, etc.
NPR On Point with Tom Ashbrook
NPR: Tom Ashbrook interviews Dr Coleman and Kathleen Gerson on “Women Bringing Home the Bacon”
NPR Talk of the Nation: How women’s increased economic and educational power are changing marriage.
Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, families, and relationships. He is Co-Chair of the Council on Contemporary Families and is a psychologist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area.
22 Comments
My husband and I have been married for 1 and a half years. He works for his dad so he makes his own hours. He works on his dad’s rent houses. His dad is a slum lord. My husband doesn’t work a full day, ever it feels like. Our house is a old and could be nice, but is far from it. His dad bought it so we could supposedly purchase it from him in the future. Its been a year and a half and he has no intention of really selling it to us. He controls my husband in these ways, and my husband lets his dad do it. His dad is hooked up to his bank account, but I don’t have any control over money. We have been working on the house as long as we have lived in it and it is no where near finished. I bought $600 worth of tile over a year ago, only half of the kitchen floor is tiled. My husband puts down 5 tiles at a time. And its been months since the last time he did this. We have no cabinets in the kitchen. He has cabinets, he just is taking months to sand them. We needed the roof fixed, it took two summers. Because of the wait, we have major ceiling damage in every room, causing paint to peel and crack. ITS BAD. I worry about led paint because of the age of the house. He dry-walled over the ceiling in the dining room over a year ago, like the first month we moved in. He never sanded the mud, and it is still incomplete. All the kitchen ceiling and walls have looked like that for a year now as well. He is just lazy. I can’t paint till he sands, so our house looks like pooh. My daughter fell in a floor vent, like could have broke a leg, but didn’t, fell in up to her arm pits. He acted like I over reacted when I told him about it. It finally was screwed down a week later. The fridge is hooked to an extention cord, ran all the way across the kitchen. The basement has had flees in it for like 6 months. I refuse to go down there because of the mold problem. My husband says he will take care of these things but does not. We are constantly moving furniture around and selling off our stuff, because a room is too damaged to use anymore. The longer I am here, the less room I have. I am very unhappy. I ask him to do things for me, like change a diaper, or watch our baby while I cook, and he later uses these events as excuses why other big things don’t get done. I didn’t have a back door on my house for 3 months, then when he put the door on and took down the plastic, he didn’t put trim on it for another 3 or more months. It took it getting to freezing out, for him to finally do it, and my bitching finally helped a bit on that one.
He went to school and got a certificate for Heating and Air conditioning. He could go out and get a good job. But does he? No. I am fed up. I am leaving as soon as I can. I am finishing my last semester of college. I wanted to give him another 6 months to shape up before I ship out, but I don’t think I can wait. I feel like he is neglecting his family. Its sad. He is okay living like trash, but I am not.
I forget to say, that he isn’t big on spending time with the kids too. He barely reads to them (he hates reading) hardly takes them to the park or anything. He works all week but so the least he could do is read them a story before bed. His idea of spending time with them is sitting on the couch watching sport and having them in the same room. Occasionally he might play cards with the eldest and come along to the playground but thats about it. How can I get him more involved. He even says things like “I hate reading” in front of the kids. I want them to grow up loving to read, but he isn’t being very helpfull. He also hates special occasions such as Christmas and Easter and all that and last year he didn’t even come with us to Christmas lunch. If this continues I’m not sure if I want to be with him. I love this guy, but he is so negative, boring and doesn’t help much with anything (apart from finances). I guess I should be greatfull for what he DOES do (and I am) but when he just sits around doing nothing on weekends while I am running around organising kids, cooking, cleaning etc etc and he doesn’t even OFFER to help it gets me in quite a bad mood. I don’t want to break up with him, but not sure I can stay with him if things don’t change.
Hi Joshua,
My fiance and I have been together 6 years and have 3 young kids (5 years, 2 years and 4 months) and I really need help with getting him to help with housework and parenting tasks. Some days (not many though) if I ask nicely for help he might, but it depends what it is and if I don’t ask specifically what I want he won’t do it. He never thinks for himself. For example, I was bathing the two eldest kids and our 4 month old was in the loungeroom crying for his bottle. Why couldn’t he feed him? He wasn’t doing anything, I was busy. Then later that night I asked if he could help me fold some clothes, which he did. But then he just put them on the floor next to the couch (where he was sitting, watching the tv) when I said to him he should put them away now, his response was “but you didn’t tell me to do that” I guess I am luckier than some of the other posters here, he DOES help, but not as often as I’d like. But I get annoyed that I have to constantly ask if for it. I mean, will he ever just think for himself. He knows what time the kids go to bed, he knows their schedule and all that, he can see the washing piling up and the toys on the floor, why can’t he just think to do things???
We have had a few arguments in the passed about all this. Alot of the time I don’t want to be near him and have sex or whatever because I am so angry and frustrated. Not to mention exhausted. I am thinking about getting a part time job, working a few nights a week, but if I have to come home to more mess I’m not sure I can cope. Like I said, he does help with small things sometimes if I ask nicely, but surely he should be able to use his brain. He’s 31, not 5. I often feel as though I have 4 kids instead of 3. Please help.
I think lots of men get married to replace mom, with benefits. This is a very immature approach to marriage, but in doing so they feel “disappointed” when women of today try and set their “fantasy” straight. Some of these men even refuse to work carrying the “fantasy” of total care and subservence to the “I am a teenager” level. Those who do work, often think that is ALL they need to contribute. Some, like mine, do a “bit” around the house and call themselves, “he-men” compared to “other men” who do nothing. I think, rather than see how smoothly things can go if they do more, they see it as a contest to see if they can do less and still get “benefits’ from an exhausted and hurt, and angry woman. Many are so bold as to compete with their own children or a “busy, overloaded womans chores” for their “me time” and to add insult to injury, expect a hot time in the sack, asap, getting up to complain and arm chair quarterback how their wives could “do more”.
These same men complain loudly to anyone who will listen how “mean, naggy, or bitchy or cold in the bedroom” their wives were, and try and get out of child support or alimony, which is the states way of saying wives have RECOGNIZED value and contribution to the house hold that does compute into monetary value. Of course, these men go forth to marry again, after finding their “freedom” from marriage doesn’t solve all their problems, only to repeat the cycle of procreating without responsibility.
It is very sad and needs to be dealt with as a society. Women of the world are overworked, treated as slaves, and often forgotten in the shuffle of a “me, me” society. Everyone should be concerned why the most advanced (at least at one time) country in the world is so backward in the homefront skills. A work ethic……..needs to be reintroduced in the American male, or our country is in big big trouble.
I have no doubt if war were to come to America, it would be the women expected to shoulder the baby and the broom, and fight it. Wake up men of America.
Dr. Coleman:
I sincerely would like to find some way to establish some way of living with my wife domestically, but I am not sure if it is possible. My wife is hyper-senstive to any perceived critical comment, often making the worst possible assumptions, and misrepresenting, forgetting, or fabricating things said or done to vilify me and establish her victim-status. While I do not think that she meets the threshold for Borderline Personality Disorder in any way, my difficulties with her are clustered around this domain. Books such as Walking on Eggshells etc have been helpful, and your book Imperfect Harmony was for me very helpful. We are both established professionals, and can “do therapy” with the best of them, but after 6 marriage counselors in the past 12 years I have concluded that my wife uses the one-week session to relegate all disputes and marriage work to that one hour. I also believe that she appreciates the emotional support from a therapeutic environment in an unhealthy way, and in more than one situation our marriage counseling became her healing session, with the approach being once she is better, then we will be better. I am aware that this is fundamentally flawed – but when we go to therapy she becomes very emotional (cries often) and accusatory with inaccurate information – so much of the 45 min is spent managing her mood and establishing basic facts. There is rarely forward momentum, and what progress is achieved is often short-lived. Domestically, she feels so much like a victim, that any frustration I share about our domestic life is resented and grounds for indignation and attack. For her my lack of perfection is permission for her general disregard. She has agreed and ignored to so many agreements about housework that it has become almost a joke to even suggest it.
She is a good mother and we both love our son very much who has special-needs. Outside of our relationship she has many friends. My frustration with her is her pervasive avoidance and/or hostility of anything that makes her accountable for her actions in the home, and the large degree of energy she invests in self-pity and encoding her victim status.
I would greatly appreciate any advice you could offer.
Thank you
A.C.
I am glad I found these posts when I was just about to go and tell my husband something about not helping with chores. I read all these stories and I realized there are people much worse off than I am. My husband works as a Chef cooking and cleaning all day at work so I think I cut him a lot of slack for that at home. The thing is I hate that I have to constantly remind him to little things such as throw out the trash. He will do it but its rare if do not remind him he will on his own. I feel taken for granted because I don’t mind doing all the housework because I stay home. Its just that he thinks because I don’t complain its not hard. He will tell me you go to work and I’ll stay home. I say you would’nt be able to keep up with all I do. TO the point I want him to see just how easy he has it.
I have been married to a lazy man for 20 years, and I am starting to hate him. He is beginning to look so ugly to me.
Hi Joshua!
Finally after 1 year and 5 months of marriage my husband got a full-time job. I still work 2 more hours a day, am more driven.. but at least he is now working on it.
The only reason he changed is because he finally saw that his lack of motivation translated into a lack of love, which was destroying me – and he, fearing losing me, started to actually try sending in those resumes.
Of course the dishes are never clean and but I am just relieved im not the sole bread winner anymore.
He was never like this until we got married – just 2 months into it – and i have tried to talk with him about it from the start to no avail. just ends in frustration and tears.
I just don’t know who to continue to improve his actions. What did your wife do really that jolted you out of it??
i just dont understand why men can’t be super heros like us women and our strong moms. I mean, yeah us girls had that roll model superhero mom.. thats how I learned- from them (my mom, my grandma, and my dad:: all 3 raised me, all 3 hardworkers)…
ALSO, why?????? why why why???? seriously, why are men lazy?
it translates to me as: “I do not care enough to help out”
can’t you guys see it is killing us women? we are working ourselves to death until there is nothing left of us. nothing.
Thanks for your insight, i could really use some words from a fellow who has gone from point A to point B.
-Rachel.
PLUS::::::: kudos for your change reversal and your relationship with ur teenage daughter. sounds like you got it pretty under control… Props in todays lingo.
Hi Lynne,
I think if you’re planning on leaving him that you should use that as a motivator. Something like 1/4 of men are completely surprised when their wives serve them with divorce papers. Since you’ve tried everything else, you should say to him, “I’m very seriously considering divorcing you over this issue. If you don’t get back to work within x amount of time, I’ll be filing once our last child leaves home.” Sometimes, fear of divorce is the only thing that works. If that doesn’t, it’s not a good sign.
In desperation, I Googled Very Lazy Husbands and came upon your site. It has a few good suggestions, but I am doubtful they will change our circumstances. My husband hasn’t worked in the last two years and has only put his resume out twice. He sits in front of the tv and his computer all day and night. He does the grocery shopping. Period.
I work full time, have an editing contract business I work on 2-3 hours in the evening, and take in exchange students to supplement our income. It is still barely enough to make ends meet.
He gets a partial pension (he’s 54). We both ussed to work fulltime, but I always took care of the house and kids. I’ve heard all of the excuses other’s have, why he couldn’t help me after work and on weekends.
I feel so betrayed by him. I never would have married him if I knew he was like this. I am not a critical wife. I only mention the sorrow this has caused me once or twice a year to him. I have gone to counsellors, but have found no real solution.
I cannot understand why a healthy, able-bodied male could be so selfish and cruel to his wife. I am a Christian, or I’m sure I would’ve left him for someone else a long time ago. I am planning on leaving him in one year, when our last child leaves home for college. If he dies before I leave him, I will feel only one emotion: relief.
This is his one “vice”, but it has destroyed what could have been a wonderful relationship.
Hi Joshua,
I would like to reply to your blog – you are absolutely right!
I have teenage kids – 17yrs, 15yrs & 13yrs. My two oldest daughters are currently in high school and my oldest is finding it hard to concentrate at school. She had sought advise from the school councellor but to her disbelief was told she had to seek help from a shrink. I wasn’t too happy about that and had a few hard words with the councellor as she clearly didn’t understand what my daughter needed even after my daughter told her her problem lay with her father.
For years my husband has been “a slob” around the house. He works 8-10 hours a day and thats it. He will come home, shower and then sit in front of the TV for the rest of the evening until its time to go to bed only getting off the couch when nature calls or when dinner is ready. Even when dinner is ready, he expects either myself or one of the kids to bring his food to him so he can eat in the lounge while watching TV. The grass will grow long and the garbage will start to overload & smell in the bin. He expects my 13 year old son to take out the garbage (he does this when its full), and also to keep the yard clean. When the kids were in grade school, I found myself cleaning inside and out. Mowing the lawns and maintaining the garden was a weekly chore because he was quote “too tired” from a hard day sitting on his backside at the car yard. Every time I brought up the subject of his lazy attitude he would blame me and make out I was nothing but a nagging cow who was never happy with anything. “Why are you women like that!”, he would comment. We have had many fights over his lazy behaviour and he only makes an effort when I tell him to pack his bags and f#@k off out of our lives. Its always short lived though. I can time it when he’ll be back to his usual tricks. When he does do chores – its like that worst chore he has had to endure in his life! He makes out that its so difficult and its killing him – mowing the lawns. There have been many instances where over the years I have told my kids I have wanted to split with their father. My oldest daughter, because she is very close to me and I have confided in her over her fathers behaviour has begun to hate him. She did tell me that every time I tell her something about her dad, she doesn’t want to believe it, but because she sees it all the time, she began to resent him as she grew. When she is at school, she thinks about us and becomes angry at her father for the way he is. She knows that its always me picking up after everyone in the family at home. Her father only makes an effort when it comes to his extended family stuff. They praise him for a job well done and backstab me because I don’t meet their expectations of a good wife. He’ll get off his butt when something interests him – rugby & rugby league and will only support our son because of the sport. Other that, he won’t support the kids in anything else. Its always Mum at the parent/teachers meetings, always Mum dropping them off to school, going to their concerts, making their lunches, wiping their tears when they are sad, always Mum encouraging them to do well in school, giving them words of support when they’ve failed a test, screaming at them when they’re running late for school, making sure they have their school lunch, their school uniforms are ready on Sunday night for school on Monday. Mum knows everything! When they want/need something – they always ask me – not their Dad. Why, because I am always there for them. They can see I am exhausted and tired from a hard days work, but I will always turn up, even if I have to walk a mile. I will find the money when we don’t have any, I will argue my point to whoever to get my child what they need. My daughter knows all this, hence why she needs her Dad. He needs now to take on the responsibility for his children and their growing pains. He thinks he’s doing a good job – how about spend some quality time with them! Get to know them. He claims he talks to them and the kids listen – they don’t voice their opinions because they feel he’ll just get mad at them if they tell him like it is. They’ll just tell me after. I’m just waiting for my children to fly the nest, my time with my husband is almost over. I fell out of love with him a long time ago. My kids know that, and they respect me for sticking around for him. I know he will be lost without us as many times he has admitted that life will end for him if we walked out. I stay because of him, because I feel sorry for him and his pathetic need for love. He knows it was over a long time ago – I won’t say the “I love you” anymore because I will only be lying. I have told him that his daughter needs him, but he doesn’t understand what he has got to do with her problem. I asked him to try and do chores with her – clean the kitchen and talk while they’re cleaning. He was too tired. Oh well, me as a wife and a mother can only do so much. I will do my duty as a parent and only pray my parenting will benefit my children in a good way when they become mature adults. I pray that my son does not become his father and my daughters do not marry a man like their father. I heard girls look for a man who is like their own father. Unfortunately, I did just that. My Dad was just like my husband at home. The only difference is – my Dad was a well educated man!
I envy any woman who has a husband who meets them halfway all the time – at work and at home.
I forgot to mention that he spends those 3 1/2 hours on the internet, watching tv, or playing video games. When I get home it doesn’t stop. That is why I get so angry. There are a million things to do every evening and he is laying on the bed watching tv. He’ll come when dinner is ready and leave right after. He is in a band and doesnt get to work on his music as much as he likes. Maybe thats why he acts the way he does. I am so good to him though. So I dont get it!
Hello Doctor. I am having such a problem. I have 2 boys 6 and 3. I work full time. I get my kids up, ready, and off to school every day. I work 9 hours. Pick up one of my boys and get home at 6:30 every evening. My husband gets home at 3pm every day. However, I have to cook dinner, clean kitchen, dishes, pack lunches, give baths, & put my kids to bed. I also have the other responsibities of bill paying, Homework, grocery shopping, and all the other tedious household chores. I am so overwhelmed and exhausted. Keep in mind he is home for 3/12 hours before I get home. When I ask him for help, he laughs or tunes me out or says “Shut the F*** up! or straight out says “No” in the most disrespectful way he can. He says all I do is bark orders at him and I need help with everything. I ask him what he expects from me, and he says he doesnt expect anything from me. He always tries to turn around our arguments back on me. I get so resentful, hurt, and angry that my anger builds up and I explode. I don’t know whats is like to ask him for help with something and him just saying “ok”. I try to talk to him in a nice way to understand why he acts and talks to me the way he does, or what he wants from this family but he refuses to communicate with me about anything with household stuff. Please help me. I love him but I can’t live like this anymore. Aside from household stuff we get along great. Maybe he’s upset that I make more money than he does. What is a fair houshold chore divide if both parents work fulltime and the husband gets home at 3 1/2 hours before the wife? Please advise. I don’t want our family to break up.
I forgot to add that he is irresponsible with money and will not help me put together a family budget. He spends money on luxuries when our obligations are not met. So the pittance I earn working hard part time is usually needed to bail us out of a hole he dug us into. What’s worse, he acts like I somehow created it since I do all the household bill paying and grocery shopping, which is all the “spending” I do. He thinks that because he is the main bread winner, I am somehow not entititled to decide how our money is spent and that I am trying to spoil his good time by reminding him that we need to meet our financial responsibilities first. And certainly I am not entitled to rest like he is.
Sooooo like I said in my previous post….. help me please. Should I just go back to work ASAP so I can get a handle on things…. But then my son won’t have me to be there for him.
Seriously, I cannot even suggest my husband do anything to help us around the house without suffering the wrath of his reaction to even the mention of it. I’ll come home at the end of the day (he works at home) and the house will reek of garbage because he won’t even take the trash out all day no matter how bad it smells. He just complains about how messy things are. He also complains that I don’t do a thorough job, that I don’t cook good enough, that I am a bad housekeeper, and that I’m not good in bed. He has very high standards for a lazy slob. He won’t even help with heavy work, like the yard work and really expects me to take care of it all. I work at several part time jobs, am working on a masters degree so I can go out and get a job that will pay so someone else can do all this bull work, plus I help him with his business at a moment’s notice. I have a 6 year old son and am a very involved parent, teaching him to read beyond his grade level and attending all activities. I take care of all the bills, a vegetable garden, pets, shopping, meal prep (he expects gourmet meals and homemade deserts). He also wants me to cook high quality dog food for our dogs. He wants me to even prepare his breakfast and lunch since he works at home. When I try to set limits he acts like I am unreasonable. I have no money to hire help — even for such things as carpet cleaning, which I also do. I am so tired of his constant needs. I feel like am am going to have a heart attack from overwork. When I tell him this, he thinks I’m exagerating, but I’m not. I’m aging rapidly from this slave work. Somebody help me, please.
Dear Dr. Coleman,
I have been married for almost seven years and have two daughters 6 and 3. My husband and I have fought over the household division of labor ever since my first child was born. The twist is it is him always upset with me that I am not doing enough. He grew up in a home where the wife did everything and the husband went to work, came home and watched tv. He gets very angry if I want to relax or watch tv myself. He complains that since he works on the outside of the house that the inside is my responsibility, mind you that I do all the household finances, take take of our kids needs, the shopping, the cooking, the deep cleaning and work full time. I think I am doing a really good job and I feel like I am never good enough for him. I rarely want to be intimate with him because of the last 6 years of him making me feel inadequate as a women and mother, then he feels rejected as we grow further apart. I think we are in a downward spiral and the only thing that saves us is inbetween the arguements and crying we have a great time together, we laugh a lot, we see eye to eye on parenting and genuinely care for one another. I would have a great marriage if he appreciated me for the great mother, wife and person I feel I am. Am I totally out of bounds here? Am I too sensitive like he says? Thank you for your advice, Shawna
Dear Dr Joshua
I am a mother of a six month old who lives with her, my husband and his two brothers in a big house. My husband is a very hands on father and does a lot for the child. He has also started cooking and maintains the exterior of the house. However, his one brother does nothing around the house and since there are so many of us, I find I am doing a lot of cleaning all the time. The brother is schizophrenic and my husband says I should have compassion for him, but I just feel that I don’t want to be doing all this cleaning. I already work full time and want to spend time with my child when I get home. The brother manages to have a part time job, socialise, go to gym and study part time too so I don’t see why he can’t do a small bit of housework. He did do housework when he first moved in but now he just does nothing at all. Please advise.
Hi Jennifer,
You’re raising a really important question: “Should I have children with my partner when I have serious reservations about his behavior?” In a word, no. Or, at least, not yet. Children create a 7-fold increase in housework. SEVEN-FOLD INCREASE! So, if you think you’re overwhelmed now, wait until the baby arrives. In addition, for a majority of couples, the arrival of a child results in a decrease in marital satisfaction, not an increase. In fact, couples don’t experience the same level of satisfaction that they had prior to children until the kids go off to college.
The good news is that if he really wants kids, your refusal to have them unless he changes his evil ways can be a serious motivator. Sit down with him and write out how the marriage would need to be different before you’re willing to bring children into it. Give him a year to get better (he’ll NEVER be as clean as you, but if he significantly improves, you may find that that’s good enough). Let me know what you think!
Dear Dr. Coleman,
My husband and I have been married for two years, together for five years. We have no kids. I have always ignored his laziness in the past, but over the past two years, I have become more and more irritated with his lack of help around the house. We recently purchased our first home and with this came the added responsibility of maintaining the exterior of a house, which he has had little or no contribution in doing. So far, seasons have past and the gutters have not been cleaned. The grass has been cut only once last summer. Our house is impeccably clean, but that is due to a “system” I have developed for myself, which includes picking up after myself. My husband has never cleaned a toilet in his life. If he does help around the house, he only does “fun stuffâ€, and if I force him to do something (i.e. taking out the garbage), he laments and complains during the whole time, out loud. He sighs and struggles with the task and gives up many times before finally doing it. When he does fun stuff (for example, he might spend three hours re-organizing his office, while I spend the same amount of time cleaning our home or working in the yard), at the end of the day, when the work is done, he’ll high-five me and say “great team work!†My husband also doesn’t wake up in the morning unless I ask him to wake up about five times. He’s in his mid thirties and an alarm will not wake him up. There have been a few times when I have blown up and told him, in tears, that I need his help around the house. Those times have resulted in apologies from him, and a few chores being done, but then things return to usual. Lately, he has been talking about having kids, but I’m afraid I can’t move on to the next stage in life unless I start seeing a significant contribution on his part in the household. Should I give him an ultimatum; tell him that I’m not willing to have kids with him until he can prove to me that he will be involved in raising them and taking care of them, through maintaining and taking care of our home? I would appreciate any advice you can give me on my situation! Thank you!
Hi Melanie,
I hope other mothers of twins weigh in here, because I’ve got a stack of letters exactly like yours sitting on my desk as I write this. Let’s break this down a bit.
Your husband should have been much more involved when the twins were born and it’s understandable that you would have felt resentful about his lack of involvement, especially recovering from a C-section! Most women would feel resentful under those circumstances.
You also say that your twins are the loves of your life. That’s good, and is as it should be. However, there’s a saying that goes “When a man becomes a father he gains a child and loses a wife.†In addition to your understandable resentment, I wonder if some of the tension that exists between the 2 of you is a function of the loss of centrality that your husband has experienced when you became a mom? I’m not advocating a traditional bring him his paper and slippers when he gets home from a hard day at the office. I’m focused on the loss that many men feel when their wives become mothers. New babies aren’t necessarily the loves of men’s lives. Men, not infrequently, can take weeks if not months to gain the same level of attachment that their wives can experience almost from the outset. The love of men’s lives is often the same person that it was before kids-their wives. So, while there’s a whole lot your husband is doing wrong, I want you to start by also thinking about the ways that he could be feeling rejected by you.
You also say something that I hear a lot from moms: “He never helps- I have to ask.†Again, in a fair world, you shouldn’t but since it sounds like he does participate when you ask, then you should ask. You should also try to get him to agree to some kind of schedule that he’ll initiate and take responsibility for without your being in the role of supervisor. You’ve said he’s improved immensely, and frankly, that’s all that any of us can expect from our partners- a willingness to improve. Yes, he agreed to have children with you and may have implied he’d share everything equally with you. But now the reality is upon the both of you of what that actually looks like; unfortunately, it has to get re-negotiated all over.
I don’t think you can compel him to go to church. You can say, “It means a lot to me and really makes me happy†and hope that serves as a motivator. You can also trade something that is really meaningful to him. Some people bristle at this kind of horsetrading approach to marriage but I’m a pragmatist. Marriage is an environment of limited resources. You have to use what you have to bargain with and persuade your partner to do what will make you happy if they’re unwilling to get there without your persuasion.
Let me also summarize some of the key points of persuasion from my book The Lazy Husband: How to get men to do more parenting and housework (St Martin’s Press).
Negotiate standards: Women often have much higher standards around parenting and housework. In general, to maintain the peace, men typically have to raise theirs and women to lower theirs. Women who act like they’re the experts around parenting, for example, produce husbands who constantly need direction. Research shows that when women can hand dad the baby, walk out the door and not look back, men generally rise to the cause. In those families, they not only do more parenting, they do more housework!
Approach with affection: Conversations end the way that they begin. If you want him to change his behavior, approach him when you’re feeling close. Studies show that men do more housework and parenting in those homes where they feel loved and cared about.
Be assertive: Be direct and clear with your requests. Don’t beat around the bush. If he refuses to do his share and you’ve tried affection and negotiation, consider going on strike.
Don’t give mixed messages: Many women feel guilty about getting their partners to do more and end up communicating in a confusing way (he agrees to clean up the dishes and you get up and start doing them before he can).
Communicate productively: Even if you have a “right to be mad†you’re not going to get a very productive response if you’re broadcasting resentment and disappointment 24/7. Most men really do want to make their wives and girlfriends happy. So calling him names or blasting him with resentment is just going to make him shut down.
Hope this helps. Let me know.
Melanie wrote, 11 Feb 2007 at 6:26 am
Greetings Dr. Coleman,
I have 16 month old monozygotic girls…the loves of my life. Since their birth, my relationship with my husband has changed dramatically. I notice that I don’t feel close to him and feel very disconnected from him. I have very little interest in being intimate with him…and I hear this protest alot. I believe that, deep down, the reason I don’t feel as close to him is because the way he acted when the girls were born. He was very hands off, I did ALL of the feedings, changings, etc., morning and night, while recovering from a horrible C-section. He never offered to help (nor does he now..I always have to ask) When the girls were 5 months old, he told me that he doesn’t like caring for them and that I do fine by myself, so when he is home, I should just pretend like he’s not there and take care of it!! I felt like I was married to a complete stranger!! He loves the girls–I know that–and he has improved immensely, but it’s still always only on his terms. For instance, I have been suggesting for sometime that we need to take them to Sunday school…he says, “I agree that they should go, but you do it yourself…I am not going with you…I don’t like going to church†I find myself resenting him more and more. It’s like he wants to remain self-absorbed and not bothered very much with the kids. I have tried to talk to him and he turns it around on me…that I am so evil witch and have changed completely from the person he married. Additionally, when he watches them, he is so passive–basically he watches TV while they run around. And, of course, we argue all of the time over his part in household chores (I did quit my job when they were born…) I just want to scream at him most of the time and my marriage–which I once felt was so strong, is a mere shadow of what it once was. I love him, but I want to strangle him!!!!!! Am I expecting too much? Is it from my exhaustion of being a mom to twins? Is it hormones? Help!
Hi,
Some men have inquired why I would write a book about getting men to do more housework. I think the best answer is to quote from the first few pages of my book, The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework:
“They say that you should write about what you know, and I know all about being a lazy husband. My laziness once stretched like the British Empire, from the small villages of my children’s toys and bottles, to the teeming civilizations of dirty laundry, food to be prepared, kids to be played with, and kitchens to be cleaned. I developed advanced techniques to avoid work and prided myself in their execution. I feigned exhaustion when the grass began to grow so wild that my children could hide in the yard and the fire department couldn’t find them. I developed allergies to all household cleaning agents, especially anything that could ever be used on a toilet, run through a washing machine, or poured on a kitchen floor. My laziness was a work of art, a lifestyle happening, an inspiration to all of my (male) friends.
And then, over time, something terrible happened. My wife began to change. Not as in screaming, crying, guilt-tripping, change. But, as in, “Okay, Jack, game is over. I am no longer pulling my weight and yours in this household.†I was concerned. So I tested her limits just the way the raptors did in the first Jurassic Park movie by hurling themselves against the side of the cage. She didn’t flinch.
I tried acute, hysterical sensory loss such as
Memory failure: “I never agreed to take out the garbage every week!â€
Hearing failure: “You never said I should change their diapers more than once a day!†and
Loss of vision: “Actually, I don’t see any dust balls.â€
What’s in it for men to be more involved? Here’s what the research shows on this topic:
*Women with partners who are actively involved in parenting and housework are happier and more satisfied with their marriages.
*Women who do the majority of housework and childcare in a family are more prone to physical illness and more likely to become depressed.
*Children score higher on academic tests in homes where dad is more involved.
*When children are raised in homes where dad isn’t involved in housework, boys are often more anxious at three-and-a-half, and girls are less warm and less task-oriented.
*School age children who do housework with their fathers have more friends at school, and are more likely to get along well with others. They’re also less likely to disobey teachers.
*Women are far more likely to think about divorce when they’re married to men who neglect the house and kid.
*Men who regularly do housework are associated with wives who are more interested in sex.
*Children who do housework with fathers are less likely to be socially withdrawn or suffer from depression.
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