Working with Dr. Joshua Coleman is a producer’s dream.
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A place for people who are considering divorce or for those who want to learn how to solve the conflicts in their marriage. Discuss how to recover from an affair, when should you divorce, when are children affected by divorce; how are children affected by troubled marriages, and other issues.
NPR On Point with Tom Ashbrook
AARP The Stranger in Your Family Dr. Coleman was interviewed in a recent AARP article by Meredith Maran on parental estrangement. To read the whole article go here: The Stranger in Your Family
NPR: Tom Ashbrook interviews Dr Coleman and Kathleen Gerson on “Women Bringing Home the Bacon”
Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, families, and relationships. He is Co-Chair of the Council on Contemporary Families and is a psychologist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area.
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39 Comments
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I recently saw your appearance on ABC-TV where you stated that it is important for both parents, no matter what the circumstances leading to deciding to divorce, to tell the children it is a mutual decision. I can understand your reason for this yet I have this question. For me, choosing to divorce is a destruction of a child’s safe, protected, secure world of a stable family. I would like them to think that at least one of the most important people in their lives would not choose to do that to them but sought to preserve their world as they knew it. I do not want them to be angry at their father, I would seek to encourage their relationship as much as I am able. But somehow making it appear as if we are both willingly breaking up their home makes me feel they are left feeling that their security is not important enough to either one of their parents. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.
Hi Mamalia,
It’s a good question and one that I think will benefit others, so I’ll answer later today and post on the home page. Thank you for writing.
Josh
Thank you very much for your reply–even though it was not what I wanted to hear! I have one additional question/factor related to the original question and your comment. You mention talking with the children when they are older, much older. Our children are ages 21, 19, 15 and 10 with only the two youngest currently living at home on a regular basis. Do their ages change the picture at all? Is it ever appropriate for the older ones to be told (told that it is a “one-sided” choice to divorce) but not the younger ones until they are older (if ever)? Thank you again.
How encouraged I am to find someone who speaks with such wisdom, love and authority on what is arguably one of the most controversial and critical issues of our time.
I have only just discovered this book on Amazon and will be buying it. But at the risk of sounding like a spammer I just want to say that the book I have just written called “How To Be A Good Parent In A Bad Marriage” echoes the your own philosophy and approach to marriage and parenting.
I have two adult children with whom I have wonderful relationships. They both say that they are glad that I stayed in the marriage to be as good a parent as I could be. They were aware that our marriage wasn’t a good one, but they also knew that growing up in a stable, if imperfect family home was far better for them than having to grow up with divided parents.
I learned that loving my children more than myself and desiring their happiness above my own gave me fulfilment in life which I could never have found through marriage. I found ways of compromising with my wife to give my children the home and the parenting they needed and deserved.
I won’t put my url here because I think that would be rude. But if you are interested in reading my book I will gladly send you a copy. I’m just glad that I’m not the only one who believes that being a happy parent is more important than being a happy spouse.
Dr. Coleman, Just completed Imperfect Harmony. Have a 40-year marriage in dire straits. The story is very long, lots of strands, so I won’t give all the details here. In the early 1990s, after a crisis that cost him his profession, he decided to go back to school, earning multiple graduate degrees up to a Ph.D. He was in college for a number of years – I actually lost track of how many, but 10-15 is a fair estimate. His widowed mother came to live with us w/ my permission for what I considered short-term mutual assistance, and she stayed the better part of 7 years. He lost big-time that ‘differentiation’ you describe. After he got the Ph.D. (thank goodness they call it a terminal degree!), I expected him to be out on the street the next day starting to look for work, but Mom was still in the house, so while I was at work they would do their own thing with errands, field trips, visits to grandkids, etc., etc. This impasse went on until everything came to a head about 18 months ago. He had to tell me he had been using old credit cards I didn’t even know were still active to run up mountains of debt to finance his lifestyle. He’d had to go to an attorney and a credit counselor, again without my knowledge. When we sat down to figure up how much the debt was, it was between $250K-$300K, not counting the toxic mortgage we had on our house. I told him to get his mother out & we sold the house, getting out from under the mortgage. There were other unfortunate ‘mixed blessings’ during this time, again too much to explain. Since his graduation, which is 4-5 years ago, he has held down a couple low-paying outside sales jobs and done some adjunct teaching. We are both 61, have raised 2 children who have what I believe are good fiscal values and strong families w/ 5 grandchildren total. I am trying to stay faithful to this marriage for the sake of the children & grandchildren, because we are a close family. They were told about his indebtedness when it happened, and they are so shell-shocked that after some very spirited discussions with them about it, I won’t bring it up. It makes them have to choose sides and I can see that even in their 30s they can’t bear that. I have no money except what I earn to keep basic expenses going. This mountain of debt is always on my mind, collection calls are now routine, even leaving the marriage wouldn’t absolve me of my part because I think about $63K he put on joint accounts with my name on it. There is such a sense of betrayal but we continue to ‘play’ normal older married couple. I appreciate very much all you said. I just don’t know if we are past the point where it will help.
Dr. Coleman, Just completed Imperfect Harmony. Have a 40-year marriage in extreme trouble. The story is very long, lots of strands, so I won’t give all the details here. In the early 1990s, after a crisis that cost him his profession, he decided to go back to school, earning multiple graduate degrees up to a Ph.D. He was in college for a number of years – I actually lost track of how many, but 10-15 is a fair estimate. His widowed mother came to live with us w/ my permission for what I considered short-term mutual assistance, and she stayed the better part of 7 years. He big-time lost that ‘differentiation’ you describe. After he got the Ph.D. (thank goodness they call it a terminal degree!), I expected him to be out on the street the next day starting to look for work, but Mom was still in the house, so while I was at work they would do their own thing with errands, field trips, visits to grandkids, etc., etc. This impasse went on until everything came to a head about 18 months ago. He had to tell me he had been using old credit cards I didn’t even know were still active to run up mountains of debt to finance his lifestyle. He’d had to go to an attorney and a credit counselor, again without my knowledge. When we sat down to figure up how much the debt was, it was between $250K-$300K, not counting the toxic mortgage he’d put on our house. I told him to get his mother out & we sold the house, getting out from under the mortgage. There were other unfortunate ‘mixed blessings’ during this time, again too much to explain in a blog. Since his graduation, which is 4-5 years ago, he has held down a couple low-paying outside sales jobs and done some adjunct teaching. We are both 61, have raised 2 children who have what I believe are good fiscal values and strong families w/ 5 grandchildren total. I am trying to stay faithful to this marriage for the sake of the children & grandchildren, because we are a close family. They were told about his indebtedness when it happened, and they are so shell-shocked that after some very spirited discussions with them about it, I won’t bring it up any more. It makes them have to choose sides and they can’t bear that. I have no money except what I earn to keep basic expenses going. This mountain of debt is always on my mind, collection calls are now routine, even leaving the marriage wouldn’t absolve me of my part because I think about $63K he put on joint accounts with my name on it. There is such a sense of betrayal but we continue to ‘play’ normal older married couple. I appreciate very much all you said, but I don’t know if we are past the point where it will help.
Dr.Coleman, I have been married for 19 years and have 2 children 15, 8(girls).I got married to my husband out of obligation because we had relations before we were married and I felt that was the only way to fix the wrong I had done.I did’nt love or was even attracted to him.I had moved out on my own due to not being able to get along with my mother(she was clinicaly deppressed)She had basically caused break up with my HighSchool sweet heart.Which hurt me alot.I meet my husband on the rebond i guess you could say.He was nice, but that was all.So after we had realtions, he started talking about getting married, he never proposed, we just started moving towards it and then we got married.I knew on my wedding day, this was the wrong reason to marry someone, but I went on with, my Highschool sweet heart had already gotten married,so I knew I needed to move on,so I did.Without even praying and asking God if this was his will for me.We got married and I took my decsion serious, because I know What the bible says about divorce”God hates it”So I gave it my all.We had our ups and downs like normal.After 4 years we had our first child.He never help with her at all, he played alot of golf and work alot.But life went on.I got pregnant with my 2nd when my daughter was 6 years old.I found out right before that my husband was looking at porn on the computer.That devastated me.I felt I had been a good wife in everyway.I moved everytime he got promoted, or changed jobs.I was submissive.So I could’nt understand why.He lied at first, then he admitted it to me.He went to a pastor at our church and met with him on a weekly basis.He never told him why, he just wanted him to ask him how his week was going and pray with him.I felt I needed to stay because he was trying.Well he got another job and moved us to the beach, i was 5 months
preg and very very sick.I had been admitted to the hospital for fluids on and off, it was this way for 39 weeks.He took me away from family and support which I needed so bad.To an area 5 hours away form home.But I was submissive and went.After she was born, he started playing alot more golf, we moved to the beach(golf galore) he met friends that he played with.He left me at home with the girls,never helped.He has never been an involved father, which kept me upset and plus he never gave me anytime for me reenergize from the demands of being a mom and wife.So I stayed depressed.He got back into the pron, which kept me depressed, he stopped going to church.We have been going down hill eversince.We now have moved again.We have been where we are for 4 years now.I have stayed for my children, but it is gettin harder to do that.He want talk to me about anything and if we do talk he says I am nagging and he ends up calling me names f___ing b__ch, and f___k you.This has casued me to sink deeper and deeper into depression to the point I really don’t care anymore.I just try everyday just to be a good mother to my girls and I just tolerate him the best I can.I’m not happy and my girls no it.But i don’t want to break up their home.I feel it’s all my fault because of the reasons behind why I married him.I was wrong to enter into a commintment so lightly, but I was young and i felt so ashamed and I thought that would fix it.But here I am 19 years later, very unhappy, still ashamed, depressed!!!! We have not had a sex life for a year now, just the thoguhts of it makes me sick.It’s hard for me to be phyically open with him ,because he has treated me so ugly alot of times, it has pushed me away.I feel very disrepected, unloved, worthless ectt….. you could go on.I don’t know what to do, I just don’t feel I can keep going like this.He don’t make me feel i even have anything to work for .He says he loves me, but he sees nothing he does is wrong.He thinks cause he works, he derserves to play golf 7 days a week, he want to anything around the house.I have had to get a partime job, which before he totally supported me being a stay at home mom.He has changed and I feel stuck in this marriage.I know this is alot, but I wanted to explain it the best I can.I know I have not been perfect and I don’t claim to be.I know I have done enough.Can you help me?? Thank you !!
Dr. Coleman:
I would like advice on swaying my husband to consider the arrangement described in “Imperfect Harmony.” For the last 6 years of our 10 year marriage, emotional intimacy has been absent in our relationship. While this is not important to him it is essential to me. He either cannot or does not understand this. When I mention my need for emotional intimacy he insists that I am wrong about what I need, that he knows best what I need (physical intimacy and to “get over” the need for emotional intimacy), and says I am unappreciative of the ways in which he loves me. He seems to see me as an extension of himself and not as a separate individual with a different and legitimate set of wants and needs. We have 2 girls ages 8 and 5 and I am open to staying together for the girls, but he wants a full-fledged marriage in every sense of the word. For me, this is not possible. How do I move him to being open to imperfect harmony?
Hi Dr. Coleman
I think my relationship with my husband would be best if we were coparent friends or roommates. We have been married for 8 years and have 4 children. The last couple years I have realized that I am a lesbian. My question is, is it okay to have seperate bedrooms? Or would that be too much for the kids to understand?
Thanks
Kiri
“5) You believe that your children need you around on a daily basis to counter the psychological problems of your partner”
WOW. This is the first time I’ve seen anyone capture the main reason I remain married. My wife is clinically depressed, and only a person who is unfortunate enough to be married to a clinically depressed person – even one that is ‘treated’ – can understand what that entails, but in a nutshell it means that you get pulled down into the swamp along with them, you take on extra burdens around the house (while they sleep), you end up being the only breadwinner, and most importantly – you need to be on guard to “undo” any wacked-out depressed views of the world they subtly inject into the child rearing process.
I stay in order to build strong values for my child and to innoculate him from the adverse, continual downward pull of her depression. I stay to provide a positive energetic responsible example for him. Unknown to him, I’m putting in far more energy than he can see externally, since I have to swim twice as hard to stay ahead of her depression.
Dr. Coleman, your #5 statement convinced me that I need to pick up your book. Thanks, I look forward to it!
I have read Imperfect Harmony backwards & forwards, for going on three years now. Most of the book is enormously helpful to me as I continue to stay married for the sake of the kids and for my own sake as their full-time parent. But in the chapter on sex I haven’t found the help I need and I have wanted so much to ask you about it. Sex is the one aspect of life with my husband that I find intolerable. I am highly erotic and responsive with other men but frigid with my husband. During periods when I abstain from affairs, sex with my husband is even worse. Sometimes I can give him a blow job or hand job without feeling too bad. But the very worst is when he touches me sexually or goes down on me. It is truly horrible to submit to these behaviors in the absence of desire. I never pretend to enjoy any of our sexual encounters but he persists anyway, and I comply to keep the peace and stability in our home. I am scared to tell my husband I will “do him” but he can’t “do me” because whenever we speak openly about our marriage, he goes into crisis mode; we can’t afford for him to stop working, eating, and sleeping. (This is a big reason we have never continued with marriage therapy, though we’ve tried it… also, he doesn’t believe in therapy). I’ve read every conceivable marriage book and all but yours have an underlying assumption that there is love between the partners. In my case this isn’t true (he says he loves and desires me but I don’t reciprocate), which may be why none of the advice on sex has helped me at all. Since your book comes so close to giving me everything I need to endure this marriage, I would really appreciate some additional support from you in this area.
Dr. Coleman,
I’m just starting your book at my therapy’s advice and wanted to thank you for giving me another way to thinking of marriage that is not the story book view.
My wife and I are both working on resolving our differences in parenting which was causing our marriage and family life to be very volatile. We where in couples therapy for several years till I realized that our therapist was just facilitating our dysfunctional life. Since then both my wife and I are in individual therapy which is allowing us to remove most all the volatility at home and hopefully start to remember why we first got together. My wife is finally starting to stand up to our children and to be truthful to me. Which is a great thing for both or us as I now am starting to respect her more. We both didn’t grow up in a full or functional family for us to use as a guide for ourselves and didn’t get an owners manual when the children were born LOL. I’ve lost the feeling for my wife that I had when we first met and don’t remember why I thought she was the one. But, I’m realizing the story book version of marriage is just that and we need to decide what we can have and work for that in our marriage. We truly have a lot of things in common and when we work together are great partners.
Thanks
Frank
I have been married for 15 yrs & two weeks ago my husband gave me and our three children a 12 hr notice that he was leaving. He had been planning his escape for quite a long time – renting a newly built TH in our development and furnishing it slowly – so he could be close to the kids. He says he can’t stay in this marriage because of the loss of “romance & intimacy”. We are good parents together, work well together. He tells me he hasn’t really been that happy throughout the past 15 yrs. Do I fight for my marriage (this is the second time he left and only came back because I begged him). Do I let him go and pray for him and feel sorry for the life he will be missing? I live every day with anxiety and depression and don’t know where to turn. Your thoughts?
Dr. Coleman,
I’ve read Imperfect Harmony. I read it when my marriage was in a difficult time earlier this year. I have since learned that my husband has had MULTIPLE affairs, at least 10-15 in the last 10 years of our 11 year marriage. 3 confirmed affairs in the last 6 months alone. I’ve also found that he has a very active, and perverted online sexual life.
We have a 9 year old son. Up until this point, I thought I could somehow stay in a very unhappy marriage for the sake of my son (financially, emotionally, sense of family stability). Now it seems impossible. I can understand being able to work through 1 affair, but countless affairs???
I also fear divorce because I don’t know the full extent of my husband’s sexual perversions, and am concerned for my son to be with him unsupervised. I don’t know if the information I could provide could protect my son in a custody ruling. I almost feel I need to stay married to this man to be able to be present to ‘guard’ my child.
What is your take on this? Please give me some guidance. Thank you.
Hi Joni,
If he’s really sincere that the affair is over, and that he loves you, and you feel like you may one day be able to forgive him, then your marriage may be able to be saved. Men sometimes have affairs even though they love their wives, and even when their sex lives with their wives is good. Women, in general, are less likely to have affairs simply for sexual purposes, though that’s more likely these days than in prior generations. You would need to get to the root of why he had it; what it means about him and his psychology; what it means about the marriage, his feelings about you, etc. A good book on the topic is After the Affair by Janis Spring Abrams.
My husband has been having an affair for 7 months and I just found out. He claims he loves me. right now I hate him .Will these feelings change?
Hi Tim
They’re the same book: Marriage Makeover is the paperback version of Imperfect Harmony.
Dr Coleman,
Can you please describe the differences between your books “Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony”, and “Imperfect Harmony: How To Stay Married For The Sake of Your Children And Still Be Happy”.
Thank you!
Hi,
My husband(35) decided that he wanted a divorce 3 weeks after our son was born. We had conflict in the past and he claims “you hurt me for 9 years”. Nothing precipitated his decision – no fight or animosity towards each other. I think he is just having a midlife crisis and the baby threw him over the edge. He is a very lazy man and I don’t think he really wants to be a father. He would rather go out every night and have no reponsibilities. He also admitted that he met another woman (while I was pregnant) but nothing happened, she just “opened his eyes”. Our son is 3 1/2 months-old now and his father hasn’t seen him in 2 months, but he’ll tell you that he is trying to give me space so I can cope. We both consulted lawyers, but the divorce papers haven’t been filed yet. I want to save the marriage if it’s possible. He “doesn’t want to”. Do you have any advice?
Kelly
Dear Mr Coleman:
I am so glad I found your website which provides some help to solving some conficts with my husband. But I cannot seem to stop his behaviour of complaining, cursing and grumbling about things around him. He is easily angered, impatient and very negative. This behaviour maybe due to being unemployed and inherited from his stormy father. When he is stressed, he starts blaming at me or his parents and shouting. His behaviour hurts me and kept me thinking about divorce. When ever I tried to point out his rude attitude, he would say that I knew that he is like this before I married him and why stop him now. Also, a wife should listen to what the husband says which he mentioned is in the bible. He never hits me but at times he would break things when we quarrel.
In one of your responses, you state that if you decide to stay in a “less-than-ideal” marriage, you must commit to a number of items. One of these items is:
I will work to keep the tone of my household calm and in control because that is what’s best for my children and me. While I don’t have control over my partner’s behavior, I have control over my own.
Are there any ways to deal with a partner who tends to get stressed and anxious and “explodes” when he cannot deal with the situation at hand? If I always remain calm – even when he says some “not so nice things” how is that going to help him to not rage or explode?
Hi Pam,
There are a lot of reasons why your husband might be defensive even when you don’t feel like you’re attacking him:
* If there has been a history of bad feelings between the 2 of you, he may have lost his ability to read you, and assumes that you’re feeling mad or critical even when you’re not.
* He may be a very thin-skinned person and expects conflict
* You may sound more mad or critical than you realize.
What to do?
* Lead with compliments. “I think you’re a great dad, but I’m wondering if I could brainstorm some parenting stuff with you?” or “I appreciate how much you do, but can we talk about housework. I’m feeling really overwhelmed.”
* Make amends for whatever ways that you have hurt him in the past that might still be in the air. “I’ve been feeling bad about how I scolded you. Do you feel like that’s resolved”
* Ask him how you could change your communication with him to ensure a better response.
* Finally, make sure you’re giving lots of praise and appreciation for what he’s doing right.
Hope that helps.
I was wondering if there are any ideas/comments on why my husband responds defensively (like I’m attacking him) when I try to talk about any issues.
I have stopped to take note of the tone and words I am using when I bring up issues. I will admit that there have been times when I’ve come across as nagging/complaining/blaming etc. But I now stop and think of what I want to say Before saying it to avoid coming across that way.
Sample topics would include all the usual suspects; parenting/disipline, sex, housework.
Grieving the Marriage You Wanted
Many people enter marriage with highly unrealistic expectations of what marriage will look like and what they’re entitled to get from it. Studies show that people who enter marriage with more modest expectations are at lower risk for divorce and are more likely to have higher levels of satisfaction. In every marriage and long-term romantic relationship, we have to grieve that we are not going to get the exact kind of relationship that we hoped we’d have and move to some kind of serenity around that.
Two Kinds of Acceptance
Acceptance of your partner and of yourself are the two most important ingredients to a peaceful household.There are two types of acceptance in marriage. The first is when we accept our mates while we strive for more intimacy, involvement and depth. In this scenario we work to understand our spouses at the same time that we do everything we can to have our needs addressed in the marriage. This means learning how to communicate more effectively, examining how our behavior affects the marriage, and trying to rekindle what was once positive in the marriage. It is based on the assumption that our goals for the marriage are reasonable and realistic, based on who we are and who we have chosen as partners. In this case, there is reason to believe that the marriage is capable of revitalization.
In the second scenario, you accept your partner, while also accepting that he or she can’t give you what you need and want. This presumes that you’ve tried everything to have more of what you want, and have solid reason to believe that it isn’t going to happen. This doesn’t mean that you’ve told your best friends what a jerk he is and they all agree that you should dump the loser. This also doesn’t mean that you’ve dipped a few toes in the water of trying to change your behavior and concluded that it’s too cold to go in. It means that you have examined your communication style, that you are fully aware of your own liabilities and limitations, and that you have a reasonably empathic view of who he or she is based on a solid understanding of their childhood, or other important formative experiences. Most of all, it means that you have given the marriage time to grow, change, and develop.
Hi Emily,
You certainly have a lot to contend with being married to a vet with PTSD, no sex, and a demanding career. You know more than anyone that there are no easy answers to your situation. Sometimes life only hands us two far-from-ideal options: in your case, you could stay in a sexless marriage with a man you love and who is the father of a child that you also love. Or you could leave your marriage, get a better sex life (hopefully), become a part-time mother, and miss what’s good about your marriage.
Let’s look at what, in particular about this makes you depressed? Some things you may be able to change and some you can’t. Let’s start with your husband:
* Is he in therapy?
* Is he getting medication?
* Are you using enough of your power in the marriage to make him do either or both of the above, or to get into marriage counseling?
* If you’re fantasizing divorce, have you let your husband know? Sometimes people don’t change until they know that their partner is close to leaving.
Let’s look at you:
* Are you getting enough support from friends, individual therapy, or group therapy?
* What do you tell yourself about your situation? If you’re going to choose to stay with your partner, then you have to do it in a non-victimized way. In other words, you have to tell yourself that you could leave if you want to, but you are choosing to stay because you’ve decided, all things considered, that it makes the most sense.
This is no small task. Here’s what I wrote about this in my book Imperfect Harmony:
A mindset for going forward:
If you aren’t able to revitalize your marriage and you decide to stay married for the sake of your children for the long- or short-term, you will need a new belief system to orient you to this new way of being together. The following statements are written to help you with this process:
*I will stop looking to my partner as a source of intimacy for now, and maybe forever more.
* I will grieve the loss of the marriage I thought I’d have, and stop bemoaning what I’m not getting from my partner.
*I will work hard to develop my life because that will be the best remedy for resisting my partner’s negative pull on me, or my destructive need of him or her.
* I will work to examine my counter-productive beliefs about marriage as being central to my happiness.
*I will work to keep the tone of my household calm and in control because that is what’s best for my children and me. While I don’t have control over my partner’s behavior, I have control over my own.
* I may have to accept that sex with my partner will be rare, non-existent, or less satisfying than I would like.
*I will give up my addiction to being right.
*I will stop hoping that my partner will change and will stop pushing him or her to change.
Thoughts or reactions?
Joshua
Greetings,
In our “soul mate” culture, people are often made to feel as though they are existential cowards if they choose to remain in a marriage that they would leave if they didn’t have children. While each person has to weigh the pro’s and con’s, there are many perfectly valid reasons why someone would choose to remain married rather than go through a divorce. Here are seven:
1) You like being a full-time parent and believe that it’s worth the sacrifice of the romantic life that you’d also like and may never get with the person whom you married. You realize that you can have one and not the other, and you choose being a full-time parent
2) You fear the downward mobility that can happen with divorce, especially for many women
3) Your partner is a great parent, even if he or she is a not-so-great romantic partner
4) You wouldn’t trust your children with your partner in a shared custody arrangement
5) You believe that your children need you around on a daily basis to counter the psychological problems of your partner
6) Your culture or religion forbids it.
7) You’re going through a crisis and and are hopeful that the two of you will be able to work it out, some day.
These are all perfectly valid reasons to remain married.
Have I left any out?
Joshua
Hi
Something I often hear other therapists say that gets on my nerves is “If the parents are unhappy in the marriage, then the children must be too. In those cases, it’s better if the parents divorce.” This is one of those simplistic summaries that glosses over the many other ways that parents can benefit children, even if they’re dissatisfied with their partners. Yes, it’s better if children can see parents who are crazy about each other-all children want that because they want us to be happy, to not have to worry about us, to role model a good relationship, and to know that there’s sufficient love to go around that they won’t be deprived.
But, not all parents have great marriages, in fact a minority do. However, many parents do a good job of protecting their children from their conflicts and successfully raising them, despite a lack of romantic love. This is a benefit to children. In my book Imperfect Harmony, I talk about how to do that, as i will in future posts.
When is divorce a good thing for kids?
The research shows that children are hurt by parents staying together when there is ongoing hostility between the parents such as verbal and physical abuse. In those situations, children appear to do better with a divorce if it means a cessation of hostilities between the parents, which it does in roughly 75% of the cases studied.
Children may also be hurt if the marriage causes one or both of the parents to become so depressed or anxious that he or she is unable to parent effectively.
It is also harmful to children if parents try to stay together, ostensibly for their sake, but then act so victimized or martyred by the decision that the children are made to feel as though they’re ruining their parents’ lives.
However, while divorce is sometimes a reasonable option, it doesn’t always create what people think it will. It can close the door on some problems and open it on others.
I’m not against divorce, but I think a lot of people have very unrealistic ideas about what they’re supposed to get from marriage. Brian Wilson wrote in the song, “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” –We could be married. And then we’ll be happy.” Nice sentiment, but Frank Pittman was more right when he said, “Marriage doesn’t make you happy. Marriage makes you married.”
Dear Mr Coleman
I haven’t read your book yet (its not easily available in Australia), but from what I’ve read about it, you seem like a very sensible man.
I love and respect my partner, who is a very good man, and we have a beautiful little boy together.
But he has a number of chronic illnesses, he is a Vietnam veteran with PTSD and our relationship is badly affected by these things. In particular, we have virtually no sex life (despite many attempts to resolve this issue) and I am SO TIRED of living this sexless life in which I feel so undesired. In addition, I find the whole carer role often feels like it is sucking all the joy out of my life.
I don’t really want to leave my partner over our problems, both because I love him and because of our child. But I find I am getting very depressed.
What can I do?
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